What do you call an expired avocado?

A guacamoldy

Today, Ronald McDonald put a quarter in my expired parking meter ...

what a kind jester!

If canned goods were to expire, would that make them canned bads?

Alright alright I’ll show myself out.

I ate an expired can of alphabet soup...

Now I have severe cramps in my vowels and I've been in-consonant all day

I finally finished getting through my whole bottle of multivitamins before they expired!

I didn’t feel very good after having half the bottle yesterday, but I think I’m doing alright.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Vietnamese man who recently moved to America is down on his luck and missing home. He decides to spend his last $5 on an authentic Vietnamese dinner hoping it will remind him of home.

He finds the nearest Vietnamese restaurant and makes the walk there, hoping to make it in time before they close. When he enters the owner greets him in Vietnamese and he responds in kind. Happy to be speaking his native language again the man makes small talk with the owner. After pleasantries he a...

My milk expires next thursday

That means my milk has a date on Valentines Day, and I still don't.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a cold that you catch from a sexual expirence?

Sniffulus.

Mini van roll over results in one fatality.

As the older model Ford Aerostar rolled over the driver was ejected. The vehicle then rolled over the driver, piercing him with the exterior mounted antenna. The driver expired before paramedics arrived.

Medical examiner's report states. The driver died of a Van Aerial Disease.

I’ve heard it said men have been in charge and called the shots throughout history. So explain this to me:

Why do you need a new fishing license every year while your marriage license never expires?

I once set an alarm to tell me when my milk would expire

Spoiler alert

What do you call an expired avocado?

Guaca-moldy

(Courtesy of my 12-year-old that hears Dad jokes all the time)

On March 10th, 1876, Alexander Graham Bell made the first telephone call.

Moments later, he learned his auto warranty had expired.

The town drunk stumbles over to a parking meter, stands in front of it, and reads that there are sixty minutes left until it expires.

“I don’t believe it!” he cries out. “I’ve lost 100 pounds!”

What do you call an expired invisibility cream?

Disap-ointment.

(OC)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did Ice Cube say when his Teletubbies rental expired?

Fuck the Po lease

Why didn't the expired dessert get invited to the party?

It was very off pudding.

With all my high level degrees and PHD's, I stumbled upon these questions.........

1. If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?

2. Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?

3. Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

4. Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?...

Dessert??

My wife made dessert with expired milk.

It was really off pudding.

I dropped the expired blood tubes as I was handing them to my coworker

Now there’s bad blood between us

Passwords NSFW

"Sorry, your password has been in use for 90 days and has expired - you must register a new one."

roses

"Sorry, too few characters."

pretty roses

"Sorry, you must use at least one numerical character."

1 pretty rose

"Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces." ...

What do trains and expired milk have in common?

Chugga chugga chugga chugga CHEW CHEW

If a poison expires,

Will it be more poisonous or less poisonous?

I was just about to watch Armageddon on Netflix, when my subscription expired.

"Ah well," I thought. "It's not the end of the world."

A scientist performed an expirement on a spider...

He put the spider on a table and told it to jump, and it did. Then, he plucked off one of its legs and told it to jump, and it jumped again, but not as high as the first time. The scientist did this again and again, taking off another leg each time until all of its legs were gone. When the spider ha...

I found some dressing in my fridge that expires on 12-21-2012....

It's called Mayanaisse....

A man calls Pizza hut to order a pizza

CALLER: Is this #PizzaHut?

GOOGLE:No sir, it's Google Pizza

CALLER: Sorry, I have Dailed wrong number

GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Pizza Hut last month.

CALLER:Ok, I would like to order a pizza

GOOGLE:Do you want your usual, sir?

CALLER: My usual? You know ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once Viagra's patent expires....

There's gonna be stiff competition

I was working in poultry and a women held up a package and asked me, "When does the chicken expire?"

"At the factory, when they cut its head off."

I opened a can of expired beans

It let out an uncanny smell.

Just checked that the carton of milk in my fridge expired December 31.

Unlike me, it had a date on New Year’s Eve.

Anyone got a fork and a plate?

Reddit handed me a slice o cake, but 2hrs til it expires and they left me without silverware and fine china needed to enjoy it :(

Client: And a pack of condoms please

Shopper: Pack of 24?

C: When does they expire?

S: 2038

C: Pack of 6 please.

How do you know when mutton has expired?

It tastes baa-d.

What do you say to the cashier when you're adamant about using an expired coupon?

dis counts!!

People who process expired passports are so lazy

they’re always cutting corners.

(Joel Dommett)

Now that Oracle has bought TikTok...

...you can finally get a TikTok certification for $200 that expires in one year.

3 vampires met for dinner...

..they wanted to figure out, who manages to drink more blood in a certain time, so they agreed to meet again in an hour. They transformed into bats and flew away fast, in different directions.As the hour expired everyone arrived and the competition started.

The first vapmire opened his mouth ...

Google knows!

Subject: Today's Reality


CALLER: Is this Gordon's Pizza?


GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza.


CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.


GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.


CALLER: OK. I would like to order a ...

People say Millennials are entitled...

But have you ever tried to tell an old lady her coupon has expired?

I don't get anti-vaxxers.

If you want a trial version of a kid why don't you borrow your friend's and babysit it instead of letting your own expire?

Ya wanna know how pathetic my life is?

I finally had a reason to get out a condom from my nightstand drawer... They had all expired.

Pizza Google

A man calls Pizza Hut:

--Hello, Pizza Hut?

--No, sir. Pizza Google

--Oh, sorry. Wrong number..

--No sir, it's the correct number, it's just that Google bought Pizza Hut

--Oh... okay, so... take my order, please

--Same as always?

--And how do you know ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lawyer was driving more than 120 miles per hour when he was stopped by a traffic cop.

"You were beyond the speed allowed. License and registration please." - said the officer.

"Well, it's expired." said the lawyer

"Documents of the vehicle please" - said the officer

"This is not my car."

"Please sir, open the glove compartment."

"I can't, there's a ...

Three men are lost in the desert with no supplies, when the devil appears before them.

The devil looks at their skin and bones, their cracked lips, and says, “I see you’re in a bit of a rough spot. I can help you - let’s play a little game. You each get one chance to name a task I can’t do. If you succeed, I’ll save you.”

The first man immediately replies, “I bet you can’t buil...

Am I the only one dying our kids’ food green this Saint Patrick’s Day...

...to acclimate them to eating expired foods a month from now in quarantine?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had just popped into a shop and when I came out there was a cop writing a parking ticket.

I said what the fuck are you doing?

He said the car is illegally parked.

I told him he's a pig.

So then he writes another ticket for a bald tyre.

I told him he's likes fucking hitler.

So he then writes another ticket for a defective wiper blade.

I said fuck ...

Cop pulls over a couple

Cop: Your back tail light is out

Husband: I didn't know. I'll get it fixed tomorrow.

Wife:I told you two days ago to get it fixed.

Cop: Sir, your license is also expired.

Husband: I didn't realize that.

Wife: I told you last week that the state sent you a letter a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is driving down the road and runs over a rabbit

He slams on his brakes, gets out and walks up to the flattened bunny. The bunny is obviously expired. A passing car slams on it’s brakes and screeches to a halt. The driver of that car runs up to the bunny pulls out an aerosol can and sprays the bunny with the aerosol spray. The Bunny jumps up runs...

My microwave will like anything I feed it.

I give it expired food and it’ll still say MMMMMMMMMM.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a White Russian.

"This tastes a little funny," the guy complains. "Has your dairy gone off?" The irritated bartender grabs the carton of milk and checks the expiration date stamped on the side. "It says here that it doesn't expire until this coming Friday," the bartender says. "That means my milk has a date for Vale...

I caught two bears banging around in the dumpster behind my house last night.

Apparently, their gym memberships expired.

What’s 7 and a half inches long, white, and tastes funny?

An expired Zero bar.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I finally quit watching porn.

My library card expired

Poor Grandma

I was visiting my poor, penny pinching old grandma over Christmas break. When I tried to shower, I found that there was no hot water.

I shouted, "Grandma? Why does your shower only run cold water in the middle of winter?"

She replied, "I still have some cold medicine from last winter t...

I think I just found the oldest person alive...

I overheard a conversation of a man having a problem because his birth certificate is already expired.

A man passed a shop,where he saw a sign, "Magic Vulture for Sale"

Curious, the man walked into the shop and asked about the bird.

The salesman replied, "This vulture has special powers. Whenever you go shopping, bring it along, and the cashier will give you 90% off!"

"Really? How much does it cost?"

"A million dollars."

The man balked a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My sex life is like my credit card.

It expired a long time ago.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Traffic Cop

After spending an hour at the mall I was ready to head home, but as I exited into the parking lot I saw a police officer writing a ticket.


"Hey, what gives?!" I exclaimed, hoping for some kind of explanation.


Without saying a word, the officer pointed to the no parking sign abo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Password reset

A man was was unable to log into his online banking account and he pulled up the online chat support.

"I put in my password and I cannot access my account"

"Sorry that password has expired- you must register a new one."

"Did anyone discover that password and hack my computer?"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Basic Fuckanomics

Fuckanomics\-\-You're born with a ton of fucks to give, so you spend them like a kid with a credit card. You give fucks about your friends, about your grades, about your fashion sense, about strangers opinions. You give way too many fucks about way too many things. You have so many. Then, as you get...

Bought some 250 million year old Himalayan salt

But it expires in August.

Police officer

A police officer stops a speeding car and approaches the driver
Police: "Do you know how fast you were going?"
Driver:" Nope"
Police: "Can I see your Licence?"
Driver: "Sorry officer, it has expired"
*The officer raises an eyebrow*
Officer: "Can I see your Registration"
Driver: ...

A quality engineer married an average girl...

​After a tough life with her for two years, he ended with his patience​ ​and finally wrote a note to his father in law...​

​Your Product Not Meeting my requirements. .​

​The smart father in law replied..​

​Warranty Expired.... Manufacturer not responsible.​

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man's entire family was killed by a masked dolphin...

He set off on a quest for vengeance. He searched high and low for the identity of the masked dolphin. He traveled the world, asking dolphin Gurus and dolphin historians. He searched for ten years before he found his first clue.

In a shallow pool at the top of a tall mountain he found a dolphi...

Positive...

James finds a friend whom he hasn't spoken with for a long time, so to be nice, he breaks the ice:

" -Hey Oscar, how are you doing?"

" -Terrible."

" -What?! What about your Ferrari?"

" -Wrecked in an accident... and the insurance had just expired."

" -Well, you win...

I keep my coupons in the fridge

So they don't expire.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Valentine's Day is almost here

I wonder if my wife knows those FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine's Day are about to expire.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

man drives his father casket back to mexico...

Man puts the casket in his truck and hauls his father from oklahoma back and gets pulled over in texas.

State trooper pulls him over. He asked the man for his license and registration with proof of insurance.

Man pulls out his credentials and hands it to the state trooper.

Troop...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Old Teammate Ron.

So when I was in high school we had a standout basketball player (Ron) who was destined to be in the NBA in his life. As a sophomore, he was 6'7" 230, super athletic and was a star in any sport he played, but he loved basketball the most. One night he was out celebrating after a win and his buddy wa...

January 20, 2017

The day America expires.

The PR team of Coca-Cola decided it was time for something big...

So they called Putin with an offer.

"Hello, Vladimir Vladimirovich, we have a very special offer for you. For 20 billion dollars you will return Russia's old flag, the communist one and with tiiiny tiny letters in the upper right corner will be the logo of Coca-Cola."

Now Putin didn't ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old mechanic friend helps a drunk. (Kinda long, sorry.)

I was talking to this grizzled old mechanic friend one time, he looked like an old version of Yosemite Sam. Had a cigarette hanging out of his mouth, sounded like an old cowboy, his big ol' handlebar mustache wiggling and twitching with every word. Suddenly he starts telling this story about how he ...

IS YOUR REFRIGERATOR RUNNING?

If you answered no, you need to have that repaired as soon as possible. Many of your perishables that depend on the cold to stay fresh may expire and become unusable. This can become costly, having a faulty refrigeration system and continuing to throw away food as the appliance goes in and out of us...

Things not to say on a first date

* I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.

* I used to come here all the time with my ex.

* Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.

* I really feel ...

Common ground among the German people

What are the German people in agreement with when discussing over-entitled children and expired sausages?

That Spoiled Brats are the Wurst

Baby you were beautiful

Until your Photoshop 30 days trial expired

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.