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Expire Jokes

What do you call an expired avocado?

A guacamoldy

If a poison expires,

Will it be more poisonous or less poisonous?

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What happens to porn after it's copyright expires?

It becomes pubic domain...

Why did the body builder buy expired protein powder?

There was no other whey.

I ate an expired can of alphabet soup...

Now I have severe cramps in my vowels and I've been in-consonant all day

My milk expires next thursday

That means my milk has a date on Valentines Day, and I still don't.

I once set an alarm to tell me when my milk would expire

Spoiler alert

What do you call an expired invisibility cream?

Disap-ointment.

(OC)

Today, Ronald McDonald put a quarter in my expired parking meter ...

what a kind jester!

I finally finished getting through my whole bottle of multivitamins before they expired!

I didn’t feel very good after having half the bottle yesterday, but I think I’m doing alright.

I accidentally bought expired seasoning at the store

It was a bad thyme

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Once Viagra's patent expires....

There's gonna be stiff competition

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What do you call a cold that you catch from a sexual expirence?

Sniffulus.

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A man and his wife are driving down the road when a cop pulls them over.

The cop says to the man:

\- Do you know that you were speeding, sir?
\- No officer, I didn't know I was speeding...

The wife then says:

\- Come on, Henry, you knew you were speeding, I've been telling you to slow down for miles.

The man shoots a dark look at his wife...

What do trains and expired milk have in common?

Chugga chugga chugga chugga CHEW CHEW

With all my high level degrees and PHD's, I stumbled upon these questions......... 1. If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous? 2. Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?

3. Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

4. Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?r>
5. Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and It just takes 75-100 years to fully work.

6. Every time you clean something, you just make som...

I opened a can of expired beans

It let out an uncanny smell.

Why didn't the expired dessert get invited to the party?

It was very off pudding.

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What did Ice Cube say when his Teletubbies rental expired?

Fuck the Po lease

A scientist performed an expirement on a spider...

He put the spider on a table and told it to jump, and it did. Then, he plucked off one of its legs and told it to jump, and it jumped again, but not as high as the first time. The scientist did this again and again, taking off another leg each time until all of its legs were gone. When the spider ha...

I dropped the expired blood tubes as I was handing them to my coworker

Now there’s bad blood between us

I found some dressing in my fridge that expires on 12-21-2012....

It's called Mayanaisse....

How do you know when mutton has expired?

It tastes baa-d.

I was working in poultry and a women held up a package and asked me, "When does the chicken expire?"

"At the factory, when they cut its head off."

People who process expired passports are so lazy

they’re always cutting corners.

(Joel Dommett)

I was just about to watch Armageddon on Netflix, when my subscription expired.

"Ah well," I thought. "It's not the end of the world."

Just checked that the carton of milk in my fridge expired December 31.

Unlike me, it had a date on New Year’s Eve.

I don't get anti-vaxxers.

If you want a trial version of a kid why don't you borrow your friend's and babysit it instead of letting your own expire?

Cop pulls over a couple

Cop: Your back tail light is out

Husband: I didn't know. I'll get it fixed tomorrow.

Wife:I told you two days ago to get it fixed.

Cop: Sir, your license is also expired.

Husband: I didn't realize that.

Wife: I told you last week that the state sent you a letter a...

What do you say to the cashier when you're adamant about using an expired coupon?

dis counts!!

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I had just popped into a shop and when I came out there was a cop writing a parking ticket.

I said what the fuck are you doing?

He said the car is illegally parked.

I told him he's a pig.

So then he writes another ticket for a bald tyre.

I told him he's likes fucking hitler.

So he then writes another ticket for a defective wiper blade.

I said fuck ...

The only thing more depressing than finding a mostly-full pack of expired condoms in your draw...

is finding an empty pack of in-date condoms in your girlfriend's purse.

The town drunk stumbles over to a parking meter, stands in front of it, and reads that there are sixty minutes left until it expires.

“I don’t believe it!” he cries out. “I’ve lost 100 pounds!”

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Joke #3481 A man receives the bad news that he's going to die in the morning

Through an unfortunate miracle of medical science, a man receives the worst news possible from his doctor.

"I'm sorry, but tomorrow morning at precisely 7:23, you're going to have a brain clot that will kill you."

The man is stunned. "But I don't even feel sick!"

The doctor exp...

A cop pulls over an old couple…

Asks for license and registration and asks do you know how fast you were going sir?

- husband: “gee officer Im not sure”
- wife: 85 mph officer, he passed several signs before you pulled him over”
The husband then looks the wife with the corner of his eye obviously upset

The poli...

I bought the 250 million year old pink Himalayan salt

Behind the package, on the label, it says that it expires in December 2022

Google pizza

- Hello! Gordon's pizza?
- No sir it's Google pizza.
- Ah okay, wrong number
- No sir, Google bought Gordon's
- Okay. Then can I order please...
- Do you want the usual?
- The usual? You know my usual?
- According to our caller ID, the last 12 times you ordered pizza with cheese...

Police officer

A police officer stops a speeding car and approaches the driver
Police: "Do you know how fast you were going?"
Driver:" Nope"
Police: "Can I see your Licence?"
Driver: "Sorry officer, it has expired"
*The officer raises an eyebrow*
Officer: "Can I see your Registration"
Driver: ...

On March 10th, 1876, Alexander Graham Bell made the first telephone call.

Moments later, he learned his auto warranty had expired.

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Password reset

A man was was unable to log into his online banking account and he pulled up the online chat support.

"I put in my password and I cannot access my account"

"Sorry that password has expired- you must register a new one."

"Did anyone discover that password and hack my computer?"...

Can we fix the American Dream?

No. The warranty expired after one generation.

I found a recipe for Morrocan rolls online.

They looked good, so I figured I would make them. The recipe called for some fresh thyme, but mine was slightly expired. I figured it would still be good because it was only one week expired. It was good, so I figured I would get some fresh thyme the next time I was at the store. I made it with the...

A man is lost in the forest late at night...

(Quick note: I first heard this joke in Chinese, so this is an attempt to translate it to English)

...and stumbles across a cabin with a light on inside.

He knocks on the door, and is greeted by a kind-looking old lady, who happily welcomes him inside, treats him to a hot meal, allows ...

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My sex life is like my credit card.

It expired a long time ago.

Dessert??

My wife made dessert with expired milk.

It was really off pudding.

I’ve heard it said men have been in charge and called the shots throughout history. So explain this to me:

Why do you need a new fishing license every year while your marriage license never expires?

I keep my coupons in the fridge

So they don't expire.

Anyone got a fork and a plate?

Reddit handed me a slice o cake, but 2hrs til it expires and they left me without silverware and fine china needed to enjoy it :(

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Valentine's Day is almost here

I wonder if my wife knows those FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine's Day are about to expire.

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License and registration

A couple gets pulled over on their way home. The police officer asks for license and registration. The husband apologizes "I'm sorry officer, I can't seem to find my wallet..."

His wife immediately speaks up "Who are you kidding, your license expired 2 weeks ago. I told you you have to renew ...

A guy walks into a bar and orders a White Russian.

"This tastes a little funny," the guy complains. "Has your dairy gone off?" The irritated bartender grabs the carton of milk and checks the expiration date stamped on the side. "It says here that it doesn't expire until this coming Friday," the bartender says. "That means my milk has a date for Vale...

Mini van roll over results in one fatality.

As the older model Ford Aerostar rolled over the driver was ejected. The vehicle then rolled over the driver, piercing him with the exterior mounted antenna. The driver expired before paramedics arrived.

Medical examiner's report states. The driver died of a Van Aerial Disease.

People say Millennials are entitled...

But have you ever tried to tell an old lady her coupon has expired?

Now that Oracle has bought TikTok...

...you can finally get a TikTok certification for $200 that expires in one year.

Am I the only one dying our kids’ food green this Saint Patrick’s Day...

...to acclimate them to eating expired foods a month from now in quarantine?

Poor Grandma

I was visiting my poor, penny pinching old grandma over Christmas break. When I tried to shower, I found that there was no hot water.

I shouted, "Grandma? Why does your shower only run cold water in the middle of winter?"

She replied, "I still have some cold medicine from last winter t...

You Know You're A Northneck (Northern Redneck) If......

Your rusty vehicle's resale value only goes up if you remember to put the snow tires on them during the winter.

You ever got into a shouting match based on which college hockey team you're a fan of.

You've ever used expired gas station sushi as bait for ice fishing.

(You're re...

I caught two bears banging around in the dumpster behind my house last night.

Apparently, their gym memberships expired.

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I finally quit watching porn.

My library card expired

My microwave will like anything I feed it.

I give it expired food and it’ll still say MMMMMMMMMM.

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man drives his father casket back to mexico...

Man puts the casket in his truck and hauls his father from oklahoma back and gets pulled over in texas.

State trooper pulls him over. He asked the man for his license and registration with proof of insurance.

Man pulls out his credentials and hands it to the state trooper.

Troop...

I think I just found the oldest person alive...

I overheard a conversation of a man having a problem because his birth certificate is already expired.

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A man is driving down the road and runs over a rabbit

He slams on his brakes, gets out and walks up to the flattened bunny. The bunny is obviously expired. A passing car slams on it’s brakes and screeches to a halt. The driver of that car runs up to the bunny pulls out an aerosol can and sprays the bunny with the aerosol spray. The Bunny jumps up runs...

The PR team of Coca-Cola decided it was time for something big...

So they called Putin with an offer.

"Hello, Vladimir Vladimirovich, we have a very special offer for you. For 20 billion dollars you will return Russia's old flag, the communist one and with tiiiny tiny letters in the upper right corner will be the logo of Coca-Cola."

Now Putin didn't ...

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A guy gets pulled over by a cop ...

The officer says, "Sir, did you know you have a broken tail light?"

The guy's wife, sitting next to him, says, "I told you to get that fixed."

The guy screams at his wife, "Shut the fuck up!"

The officer asks for license, and registration, and says, "Sir, your license is expired...

Pizza Google

A man calls Pizza Hut:

--Hello, Pizza Hut?

--No, sir. Pizza Google

--Oh, sorry. Wrong number..

--No sir, it's the correct number, it's just that Google bought Pizza Hut

--Oh... okay, so... take my order, please

--Same as always?

--And how do you know ...

A quality engineer married an average girl...

​After a tough life with her for two years, he ended with his patience​ ​and finally wrote a note to his father in law...​

​Your Product Not Meeting my requirements. .​

​The smart father in law replied..​

​Warranty Expired.... Manufacturer not responsible.​

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A 70 year old virgin Nun goes to a gynecologist

Because she is experiencing some discomfort. When she explains what’s going on, the gynecologist runs some tests. Later he came back into the room and told the nun that her tests are positive for crabs. “That’s impossible, my body hasn’t been touched by anyone.” She says to him. So she leaves to go ...

IS YOUR REFRIGERATOR RUNNING?

If you answered no, you need to have that repaired as soon as possible. Many of your perishables that depend on the cold to stay fresh may expire and become unusable. This can become costly, having a faulty refrigeration system and continuing to throw away food as the appliance goes in and out of us...

Ancient relics

I pass by this ancient mailbox all the time when we drive down our road to the house.. The old rusty box is nailed to an oak that has to be 150 years old. After too many times of passing it by I decided to open the box to see if anything was inside. After all, there isn’t even a house nearby to whic...

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Basic Fuckanomics

Fuckanomics\-\-You're born with a ton of fucks to give, so you spend them like a kid with a credit card. You give fucks about your friends, about your grades, about your fashion sense, about strangers opinions. You give way too many fucks about way too many things. You have so many. Then, as you get...

Common ground among the German people

What are the German people in agreement with when discussing over-entitled children and expired sausages?

That Spoiled Brats are the Wurst

Baby you were beautiful

Until your Photoshop 30 days trial expired

Positive...

James finds a friend whom he hasn't spoken with for a long time, so to be nice, he breaks the ice:

" -Hey Oscar, how are you doing?"

" -Terrible."

" -What?! What about your Ferrari?"

" -Wrecked in an accident... and the insurance had just expired."

" -Well, you win...

January 20, 2017

The day America expires.

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A lawyer was driving more than 120 miles per hour when he was stopped by a traffic cop.

"You were beyond the speed allowed. License and registration please." - said the officer.

"Well, it's expired." said the lawyer

"Documents of the vehicle please" - said the officer

"This is not my car."

"Please sir, open the glove compartment."

"I can't, there's a ...

Things not to say on a first date

* I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.

* I used to come here all the time with my ex.

* Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.

* I really feel ...

A man passed a shop,where he saw a sign, "Magic Vulture for Sale"

Curious, the man walked into the shop and asked about the bird.

The salesman replied, "This vulture has special powers. Whenever you go shopping, bring it along, and the cashier will give you 90% off!"

"Really? How much does it cost?"

"A million dollars."

The man balked a...

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