A woman is sitting at her recently deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”. “No, go right ahead”, the woman replies.

The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora”, and sits back down.

“Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot”.

What award did the deceased chick pea receive?

A posthummus award

A priest, a doctor, and the deceased's widow are talking after the funeral. [Long]

A priest, a doctor, and the deceased's widow are talking after the funeral. The priest says, "I have something I need to confess. Before he died, your husband gave me an envelope with $250,000 in it and requested I place it in the casket with him. I know he was rich and loved his money, so I swore t...

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Where do recently deceased female dogs get written up in the newspaper?

The o-bitch-uaries

I'm horrible at funerals.

Whenever I'm at funerals for some reason no one ever likes my speeches. You see, when i go up to the podium speak about the deceased, i like to compliment their intelligence. "He knew too much" is what i usually say. Not sure why people give me the funny looks there, and I'm usually kicked out when ...

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A newly deceased Englishman, stands at the pearly gates

St. Peter tells him that he cannot go to heaven right away because he cheated on his income taxes. The only way he might get into heaven would be to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. The Englishman, decides that this is a small price to pay for an eternity in heav...

How does Mario communicate with his recently deceased sibling?

Luigi Board.

Our clan has a tradition of naming our children after deceased family members.

We named our son "Grandpa."

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A line of four recently-deceased souls lines up at the gates of Heaven, awaiting their judgement...

St. Peter addressed the first man in line. “While you were alive all you cared about was getting drunk. You loved alcohol so much that you married a woman named Brandy.” St. Peter promptly turned the man away.
To the second man St. Peter said, “While you were alive the only thing you truly cared...

What's the difference between a pervert and a dead bee?

One is a seedy beast and the other is a bee deceased.

A funeral home director was meeting with a grieving widow

The funeral director was showing the widow the final touches they had done to her husband's corpse before the funeral the next day.

As the director was showing her the way they had put the finishing touches on and dressed up the deceased, the widow burst into tears.

The director,...

Why did the deceased mans family remove his chair from the living room.

The carpet was getting depressed.

A rich man demanded to be buried with his money

Upon his death bed a miser demanded he be buried with all his money leaving behind nothing for his wife and children. After his death some friends approached his widow to offer her jobs and gifts but discover she has bought a new home, car, and wardrobe. The friends ask how she can afford all of thi...

The other day I decided to buy a Ouija board, so I could get in touch with deceased celebrities that havent crossed over yet,

The only celebrity I could get in touch with was Stephen Hawking.

I asked him a few questions including why he was a ghost and not gone to the after life yet.

Turns out Led Zeppelin was right all along,

there is a stairway to heaven.

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A woman grants her mother's unusual dying wish.

She specifically requested pictures of her right foot be sent to an address in Rhode Island.

A couple of days later, she realizes that reversed pictures of her mother's *left* foot were sent instead. Unsure of the importance, but determined to fulfill her wishes, the woman travels to Rhode Is...

A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral. A man asks “May I place my hand on your shoulder?” “Sure” she replies *places hands on her shoulder*

“Thank you. that’s is really touching” she said

A group of friends are hiking in the mountains, when they spot a bear running towards them...

They frantically drop everything then start running from the bear. But the bear soon catches up to the slowest friend and mauls him.

The horrified friends watch in horror as the bear feasts on their deceased mate.

Then one of them breaks into tears sobbing:


"I feel so guilty...

Hey guys, let me know if you hear about any recently deceased drummers....

....No Rush....

I was recently targeted by an organ donation scam

They tried to convince me that, for a small monthly fee, I could have priority access to organ donation from the recently deceased.

It was a dead giveaway.

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A mortician needed to identify a body, so he requested the help of the deceased's two good friends.

Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".

So the mortician ro...

Europeans have been testing aircraft engines against bird strikes for a long while, using a cannon which launched (deceased, obviously) chickens at the aeroplane.

Eventually, the Americans decided they needed to test their engines tbe same way. So they brought a device over and started testing. No matter how resilient they made the engines, they always failed. After months of testing, they gave up and sent for a European engineer to advise on what wad wrong.<...

A man stands over the coffin of his deceased wife. "Her star sign was cancer you know" he says. " I guess it's ironic..."

"That she was killed by a giant crab."

An elderly woman is holding a funeral for her recently deceased husband

After the viewing, she discusses how kind and honest of a man her husband was, how she was so sad to see him go, and she bursts into tears.

Her nephew, after consoling his mourning aunt , asks “May I say a word”.

Through tears she says, “Of course”

He takes a moment and says “Pl...

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Whenever I see a hearse, I am always proud of the deceased.

Despite their current situation, they are slowly moving forward.

I walked into the airport with my recently deceased dog.

I was immediately stopped by security and airport staff alike.

"Sir, you can't bring that on a airplane."

"Oh, I thought I was allowed one carrion bag."

A man was planning a funeral for his deceased father.

“I want only the best for him.” He told the mortician
A month after the funeral, the man got a bill for $70. He paid it. The next month he got another bill for $70. He paid it. The is kept going on until the 5th month. He called the mortician and asked about the bill.
The mortician said, “Wel...

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Mercedes for Sale @ $1

Someone put up this advertisement.
No one believed it, but one old man responded and went to see the car.
The Lady actually sold him a Mercedes, which had done just 12,000 kms, for $1.
She handed him the papers and the Car keys. Deal done.

As the old man was leaving, he said "I would...

I recently was told that a deceased relative left me with a piece of their property that's potentially worth millions of dollars:

a lottery ticket.

I always suspected that my neighbors had weird traditions, and it was confirmed when I saw them donating their deceased

It was a dead giveaway

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A guy is cleaning out his deceased grandfather's attic...

He discovers an old oil painting and an old violin. He decides to take them to an antique dealer to have them evaluated.

The antique dealer studies them both carefully and says, "What you have here sir is a Stradivarius, and a Rembrandt. Unfortunately, Stradivarius wasn't a very good painte...

Two friends were out golfing one morning.

One of them is just getting ready to tee off when he notices a funeral processing passing on the street adjacent to the golf course.
He stops mid swing, drops his club and takes off his hat, then begins to say a prayer. Once the procession passes, he puts his hat back on, picks up his club and is...

Neighbour pased away last week. My friend and I went to a gathering held by the family of the deceased lady, to share our condolences. After a while standing, my friend whispers "what is the WiFi password?". I give her a severe look: "Have some respect, we're at a funeral!!!"

"With no spaces?"

What kind of condolence package do you send to the family of a deceased soul singer?

A wreath of franklins

A man is at the funeral of an old friend.

He hesitantly approaches the deceased's wife and asks whether he can say a word. The widow nods. The man clears his throat and says, "Plethora."

The widow smiles appreciatively. "Thank you," she says. "That means a lot."

Another man comes up and says: "Mind if I say a word too?" She sa...

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Older gentleman walks into the brothel...

... He walks towards the brothel mama, as she greets him he says:

"I would like something special"

She looks at him with judging eye:

"Well we have something nobody else has, but it's quite pricey, are you sure you want it?"

He smiles:

"Don't worry, money are not p...

A recently deceased man was being shown around heaven.

St Peter was looking after him by showing him the various facilities that were available. At the end of the tour, St Peter asked the man if he had any questions.

The man could only think of one. He pointed to a long wall running along one side. "Why do you have a wall there?" asked the ma...

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Three widows are at a crematory collecting their deceased husband's ashes...

Three widows are at a crematory collecting their deceased husband's ashes and after mourning for some time, they begin to talk about what they plan to do with their lover's ashes.

The first widow says, "John was very outdoorsman, enjoyed hiking, rock climbing and nature, so I'm going to sprea...

A dying wish

A man spoke to each of his three sons when he sent them to college. "I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As a gesture of appreciation, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I ...

I glued a picture of my deceased parrot onto my boomerang.

It brings back good memories.

A scientific study

I recently read a scientific study that was performed to investigate the number of birds being found dead in North America.

The scientists collected the dead bodies to keep accurate amounts of the deceased birds.

After months of collection, the scientists realized that nearly every s...

My Grandfather is deceased

So I guess that makes me 1/4 Deceased?

If you made a corn labyrinth in the likeness of a deceased television pitchman...

You'd have a Billy Mays maize maze.

I don't attend funerals, even if I was close with the deceased.

I'm just not a mourning person.

A message to all you deceased American voters...

Vote Early, and Vote Often.

A plane climbs too high and passes by heaven.

The pilot gets on the loudspeaker and tells the cabin that if they look to their right, they'll see the pearly gates and the shining city beyond.

The passengers marvel at the sight, but one man spots his daughter who died from cancer the previous month. He rushes to the emergency exit, where ...

This was a favorite of my deceased stepfather...

A housewife is living in the inner-city during a crime wave and is concerned for her safety. She phones her husband, a travelling salesman, and lets her know that she's so scared she wants to purchase a guard dog. The husband agrees that it would be a great idea and she makes plans to go to the pe...

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary

... and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband lo...

Three deceased appeared before st. peter in heaven...

Peter asked one of the deceased what he made in his previous life. The soul replied, "$300,000, I was a lawyer." Peter questioned the second deceased with the same question. "$75,000" the second man replied, "I was a salesman." Peter finally asked the third deceased how much he made to which the thi...

A man goes to a cemetery

He asks to buy a plot for his deceased wife. The sales guy looks confused and says “but your wife died 10 years ago and is already buried here.”
The man replies that he needs a plot for his second wife, whom he married 4 years ago.
The salesman says, “Oh, I didn’t know you remarried. Congratul...

Two women approach the front door to a dads-only bar

The younger of the two asks "Mom, what the hell are we even doing?"

Mom responds "I know, it's dumb, but thanks for agreeing to come with me. My dad was very specific in his will about how his ashes would be spread. This place is number 1 on the list. He'd been coming here for the longest tim...

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A bus full of nuns is driving through the Italian Alps...

When all of a sudden the driver misses a turn and the bus is launched of the edge of the cliff, rolls down the side of the mountain and explodes in a spectacular ball of flames.

A few moments later, St. Peter, who was expecting an easy day, found himself faced with 50 newly deceased and quite...

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The Unlucky Wife

A very religious 30 year-old Catholic virgin who profusely protested using birth control, wanted a large family. She finally finds the perfect man who accepts and whole-heartedly agrees with her religious values. They marry 3 months later and are overjoyed to be blessed with healthy triplets. Sad...

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My brother works at a funeral home. He told me this joke.

One day a mortician is working on a recently deceased woman's body. He applies makeup to make her more life-like and retrieves a nice dress for her to wear for her upcoming funeral. He slides the dress over her but stops short when he notices a big shrimp is stuck in her private parts. He calls the ...

A young guy gets paired with an elderly stranger for a round of golf

A young guy gets paired with an elderly stranger for a round of golf. They're on the fifth green, the old guy is lining up a putt, when they notice a funeral procession passing by the course.

The man backs away from the putt, removes his cap, bows his head for a quick prayer, crosses himself...

Till death do us part...

... After a car accident involving a couple they both loose their lives. As the wife is waiting in line to get into heaven she sees her now decease hunsand making out with a younger better looking woman. In a fit if rage she turns to him "how can you do this to me Dave we have been married for almos...

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My dog disgraced himself by escaping and bringing home next doors rabbit.

It was very dead and covered in dirt but I couldn't see any wound so I thought I might just be able to get away without confessing. So I quickly washed and blow dried the deceased bunny, snuck round the fence and popped bun back in its hutch, all snuggled up looking in its straw so it looked just l...

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Preacher

A young preacher was asked by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side burial service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends.

The preacher headed out early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns. Eventually, a half- hour late, he saw the back...

Guy dies in a car crash...

...and goes up to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter looks his name up in his book and shakes his head.

"What's that mean?" the guy says.

"You gotta go down," Saint Peter says.

The guy gets put on an elevator and takes the ride down to hell. When the doors open, he sees a large, oval...

A doctor is doing his morning rounds with the ward nurse. They come to the first bed where a man is laying half dead.

“Did you give this man two tablets every eight hours?” asks the doctor.

“Oh, no,” replies the nurse. “I gave him eight tablets every two hours!”

At the next bed the next patient also appears half dead.


“Nurse, did you give this man one tablet every twelve hours?”

“Oop...

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Last request

Let's see if I understand how the world works lately...


If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work,
he blames the restaurant.

If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer,
your family blames the tobacco company.

If your neighbo...

A man dies of a heart attack at 62 years old.

His widowed wife, after days of mourning, has to arrange the funeral service. She goes to the morgue and makes arrangements. During the detailing, she explains his last few wishes.

"He always told me, if he dies without disfigurement, he would like an open casket funeral so he would be rememb...

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One day the pope suddenly died...

...and around the world millions were shocked and saddened at the death of the man that lead the world to Jesus. An X-ray was done of his body as part of the investigation into his death and a strange abnormality was detected. Deep down his left ear canal was some kind of tiny device shaped like a s...

How do you catch an elephant?

First, you dig a hole and let a fire burn out in it. Then, you put peas all around it. When the elephant comes to take a pea you kick him in the ash hole.

Compliments of my deceased grandfather for telling me this joke when I was a kid.

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Three football fans were driving along when they

saw a body in the undergrowth. Stopping their car, the three guys ran over to see what they could do. Unfortunately, they found the nude body of a deceased young woman. Being gentlemen, the first guy dropped his Chicago Bears hat over one breast. The second guy, a Tampa Bay Bucs fan, placed his hat ...

A man has died, and his friends and family are gathered together in a small church for his memorial service...

As the service nears its conclusion, a man rises up from his seat on a pew in the very back row and begins to shuffle towards the pulpit, where the preacher is concluding his remarks and the widow of the deceased stands by weeping.

The man makes his way up to the very front of the congregatio...

Richest Man in Town

At the funeral of the richest man in town, a stranger saw a woman crying very loudly.  The stranger said, “Are you a relative of the deceased?”
“No.”
“Then why are you crying?”
“That’s why!”

A man is asked to speak at his best friend's funeral.

He walks up to the front of the church and stands in front of the casket. Overcome with emotion, he pauses, and then says, "Plethora . . . plethora." After that he goes back into the pews and sits next to the deceased man's widow. She leans over and says to the guy, "Thanks. That means a lot."

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A gorilla dies at the Zoo...

Just before the zoo opens. It's the only gorilla that that the zoo can afford, and it was by a large margin, the zoo's most popular attraction, so the owner goes to the former gorilla keeper and offers him an extra $300 every day if he'll put on a gorilla suit, go in the gorilla exhibit, and pretend...

Two old men playing golf

Two old men are out on the golf course one morning playing their usual round of golf when a funeral procession comes down the street next to the green on which they are putting. One of the old men notices the procession and immediately stops in the middle of his putt. He calmly steps away from his b...

The old shoemaker

Chet is going through his recently deceased father's stuff. He finds a twenty year old shoe repair claim ticket from Ginsberg's shoe repair.

Knowing that old man Ginsberg had been running his shop for over 30 years, Chet, on a whim decides to sees if he can claim his father's shoes.
...

In honor of the Notre Dame fire, here is the only Notre Dame joke I know...

Notre Dame is looking for a new bell ringer, so they put out a help wanted ad in the local paper.

After a few days a man with no arms shows up and inquires about the job.

At first the priest tries to let him down politely when the man insists that they bring him up to the tower s...

A Man Walks Into A French Restaurant And Orders Fish...

The waiter brings out his order and the man begins to eat it. After about fifteen minutes, the man keels over and dies. The waiter, panicking, calls the paramedics. When they arrive, they examine the body of the deceased man.

"Well?" asks the concerned waiter "What killed this poor man?"
<...

A man walks into a bar and notices a live band is playing...

After watching them for a bit he leans over to the bartender and says, "Hey, these guys are pretty good, but I can't help noticing the drummer keeps swinging at air with his sticks. Why is he doing that?"

The bartender responds "Yeah, I asked him about that. Apparently his favorite cymbal, th...

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A man was stopped for speeding

A man was driving along an overpass and was caught in a speed trap by a police officer with a radar gun. He admitted he was speeding, apologized, and told the officer that the reason he was speeding was that he did not want to be late for work. The officer wrote the ticket, explained the details of ...

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Zombies

Undertakers:

Tie the deceased's shoelaces together before burial.
That way, if there IS a zombie apocalypse, it'll be as funny as fuck.

There was a study on Crows done in the UK....

As we all know, crows are very smart animals. They've learned that if they drop a nut into traffic, cars will run over it and break it open. This is usually performed by 2 crows; one to do the dropping and retrieving, and the second to signal no the first one when traffic is clear and it's safe to g...

An old widower goes into a brothel

An old widower goes into a brothel.

"I want someone who reminds me of my deceased wife," he says.

"Certainly," the madam replies. "Now, was she blonde or brunette?"

"I don't remember." Says the widower.

"Well, was she short or tall?"

"I don't remember."
...

An Italian, a Mexican and a Newfie...

are working steel on a high rise 30 stories up in the air. At lunch time they all sit down on one of the beams and open their lunch pails. The Italian opens his and says "Mama mia not pizza again! If I get pizza one more time I swear I'm going to jump to my death.
Next the Mexican opens his lunch...

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An undertaker is showing a trainee around the morgue in order to get him used to dead bodies.

“Here I have three deceased men, an Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman.” Explained the undertaker showing the young trainee the dead Englishman.
“Why has he got such a big smile on his face?” asked the trainee.
“He died having sex with a beautiful woman” the old man replied.
Moving on to ...

Short Farewell

A man is at the funeral of an old friend. He tentatively approaches the deceased's wife and asks whether he can say a word. The widow nods.
The man clears his throat and says, "Plethora."

The widow smiles appreciatively.
"Thank you," she says.
"That means a lot."

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A man is on trial for murdering his wife...

The judge looks down and reads the charges, "The defendant, Mr. William Jones, has been charged with bludgeoning his wife to death with a hammer. How do you plead?"

Before the defendant can answer a man at the back of the room cries out, "YOU BASTARD!"

"Order in this court room!" the j...

Corny joke

So a local state corn production and manufacturing company had an open house complete with free samples of their in house sweets and confectionery made from their finest corn.

The reception was fantastic and everything was going great, until one of the over zealous freeloaders (you know the ...

A guy arrives at the gates of heaven.

St. Peter welcomes him and gives him a tour of the main building. One of the room is filled with clocks.
St. Peter explains: "These clocks keep track of every lie someone deceased or still alive has ever made. For example, this is Mother Teresa's clock. The time is exactly midnight 0 minutes 3 se...

Joke from a funeral I went to last weekend

widow: Is there anything anyone would like to say to the deceased?

man: yes, plethora

widow: thanks, it means a lot

A man inherits a priceless coin collection...

from his deceased grandfather. One day a friend of the grandfather sees the grandson and asks him about the collection.

"Oh that? None of those coins worked in the laundromat, so I swapped each one of them for a shiny new coin at the bank." The grandson replies.

"You did what?!" The ol...

A man walks into a bar, at night

He walks in and is seated next to the most beautiful woman he's ever seen in his life. All he can think about is how he has to marry her. He strikes a conversation with her and they hit it off. They leave the bar and as they're walking out she gives him her number, her name was Lela.

They had...

I recently attended a funeral

And the procession was going up a steep hill on Main Street. Well all of a sudden the door of the hearst flew open and the coffin fell out. Since the road was so steep it flew back down Main street and into a pharmacy where it crashed into the counter. The lids popped open and the deceased says to t...

A factory burned in a fire

One of the survivors, a worker from the factory, goes home to his wife
“Honey, there was a fire, the factory burned down and many of my coworkers died”
“That’s horrible!” She replied
“Tragic... The company is insuring the families of the deceased with hundreds of thousands of dollars”
<...

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A timeless, Irish classic.

About twenty years ago, the Irish government decided to set up a secret service, much like MI5 in the UK. The three best Gardai (Irish police officers) were selected to participate in a number of tests in order to determine who would receive the coveted title of 001.
The three Gardai, each repres...

Three men die with a smile on their faces.

The Vicar (V) speaks with the widows (W*) of the deceased men during the service. He walks up to the first widow.

V: “What happened to your husband?”

W1: “Well we always dreamed of winning the lottery and we finally won after 15 years of playing. He suffered a heart attack but died ha...

A tourist bus crashes and all the passengers die.

The crowd of recently deceased is gathered at the pearly gates. St. Peter comes out and says: "OK. I want you to form three lines. One for the women, one for the men who were always bossed around by their wives, and the last for men who were the boss of their household."

People shuffle around...

Burt and Arthur are playing golf

As Burt is eyeing in a putt on the 14th, a funeral procession drives slowly down the road right next to the green. Burt drops his putter, removes his hat, bows his head and mutters in a respectful manner.
&nbsp;

Arthur congratulates Burt on his display of respect and says he didn’t kn...

Mr. Smith is on vacation with his wife and mother-in-law in Jerusalem

One day, his mother-in-law dies quite suddenly. An undertaker proposes to bury the deceased there in Jerusalem.

'No, thank you,' says Mr. Smith. 'I'd rather have the body shipped back to New York.'

'But why not?' asks the undertaker. 'Shipping a body is expensive, and I could organise ...

Scottish Obituary

A woman goes to the local newspaper office to see that the Obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. The Editor informs her that there is a charge of one dollar per word.
She pauses, reflects, and then she says, "Well then, let it read: 'Fred Brown died.' "
Amused at the Woma...

The Guinness Factory in Dublin Experiences a Workplace Fatality

The unhappy job of giving the news to the widow falls upon the deceased man's best friend, Gerald.

Gerald knocks on the door of his dead friend's house and Mary, the widow, answers the door.

"Mary, I'm afraid there has been an accident at the factory, Tom was involved."

"My God....

There once was a man named Myas...

One day Myas and his two friends planned a trip to sail across the vast ocean. They rented a ship and when the date came, they set sail. Everything was going accordingly until the third night when a storm happened upon them. Waves buffeted the hull. Gusts of wind enveloped the sails. As the ship roc...

A man dies and goes to heaven. At the pearly gates, he sees two lines.

The first line has a sign that says "Henpecked Husbands." The line is full of an endless queue of men that stretches far out of site.

The sign above the second line says, "Non-Henpecked Husbands." This line is empty, aside from a single scrawny man who was just entering it.

The recent...

A lawyer was questioning a doctor...

A lawyer was cross-examining a doctor about whether or not he had checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate.
"No," the doctor said."I did not check his pulse."
"And did you listen for a heartbeat?" asked the lawyer.
"No I did not," the doctor said.
...

Graverobbers

These two men liked to dig up graves and collect the items deceased were burried with. They mostly dug up famous people, and took items like jewelry and other valuable items.

One day they decided to go to a graveyard in london. Their they found Mozarts grave. They spent hours digging up the ...

What do you call a lawsuit against a zombie?

Deceased and desist

A man was driving into town and found the road blocked by the local police department . . .

. . . he stepped out of the car and asked the nearest police officer what was going on.

The officer replied, "There has been a fatal accident on this road."

This was a small town, so the officer, figuring the man might know the deceased, asked if he would be willing to help identify th...

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