UPJOKE
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A lost dog wanders through the jungle. In the distance a lion sees him and whispers: "I'm going to eat him, I have never seen anything like that before."

The lion then began to approach the dog in a threatening manner. When the dog realized this, he panicked, but as he tried to run away, he saw a bone nearby, and he got the idea to speak out loud. "Lion meat is delicious!"

The lion suddenly stopped and said: "Wow, this guy is stronger than he...

An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that ...

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A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown.

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

...

Jesus was wandering the desert, when he met an old man.

"What brings you to the desert?" asked Jesus.

"I'm looking for my son. I lost him many years ago."

"How did you lose him? What happened?"

"I had one son- not by birth, by a heavenly miracle. He had tremendous struggles with temptation. At one point, he even died, and came back ...

A man was wandering around a carnival.....

and he happened to see a fortuneteller’s tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down.
“Ah...” said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. “I see you are the father of two children.”

“That’s what you think,” said the man scornfully. “I’m the father of THR...

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An Arab man is wandering lost through the desert

An Arab man is wandering lost through the Sahara. He sees a man in the distance and struggles to get there hoping it's not a mirage. He finally arrives and sees a nice Jewish man with a table of ties.

"Please, I've been lost for hours and so incredibly thirsty, do you have any water?". The Je...

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony

On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'

The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'

...

A politician dies

So a politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.


"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people...

What is the opposite of a wandering Jew?

A Roamin’ Catholic

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A small plane crashed in the middle of the desert. The pilot and co-pilot wandered around for days in search of food, but could find nothing. Finally the co-pilot announced: ‘I’m so hungry....

I’m going to chop off my dick and eat it.’
‘Before you do,’ said the pilot. ‘Think of your girlfriend.’
‘What’s the point? At this rate I will never see her again anyway.’
‘I know, but if you think of her first, hopefully there will be enough for both of us

What do you call a caveman who goes on long, wandering walks?

A Meanderthal.

A chicken and a horse become best friends on their farm.

Every day, they go out walking together, talking, laughing and generally enjoying each other's company. One day, they happen to wander too closely to a sinkhole, and the horse falls in. As the horse flails about, the chicken looks around desperately, trying to figure out how to save her friend. That...

Did you hear about the Russian wolf that wandered into Ukraine and got in a trap?

It chewed off three of it's legs and was still caught in the trap.

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard.

. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.
He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This cont...

Benny the Viking

Benny was your typical Viking. Strong, tall and courageous, he was the ideal viking in every way, except for one.

See, Benny couldn’t grow a beard. For all his 30 winters on Earth, he still had just as smooth a face as the day he was born.

This bothered Benny, because when he was out p...

An old nearly blind marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar

He sits down at the bar, squints through his old eyes, sees a woman at the end of the bar and gives her a wave.

She sees the old man, lifts her arm and gives him a big wave back, revealing a very hairy armpit.

The old marine says to the bartender “I’ll take a shot of whiskey, and sen...

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A city guy decides to pursue his dream to be a lumberjack

So he moves to a remote logging town in the northern woods. It's just 40 men in this little community, hundreds of miles from the nearest town of any size, and he wonders how they manage their "loneliness," if you know what I mean.

One evening in the spring, after the day's work has ended, a ...

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One night a guy goes to get a room in a hotel. "Hello, I want a single room for the night please." "Fine, sir, here's one of our best rooms. Room 13," says the concierge and hands him the key

The guy goes upstairs, takes a shower and gets straight into bed. At about 2 0'clock in the morning, two gorgeous naked women come in and slide under the covers. When he realizes what is going on, he starts screwing both of them. He can't believe what's happening. Next morning, still surprised by la...

A cat wandered into a museum last night and scratched up one of the impressionist paintings The Water Lilies.

It’s a clawed monet.

i was in Jerusalem for a holiday

Needing my cuppa of java i wandered into a cafe and was served by a male barista. I found it odd that there were no female Baristas so i made it a point to keep a lookout for them across the holy land.

From Starbucks to coffee club, from hipster cafes to neighborhood coffeehouses, not a femal...

Wandering round Liverpool yesterday with my wife and our toddler son, when he decided to have a tantrum, throwing his favourite red toy car out of his buggy.

By the time I picked it up, it was blue and had new number plates.

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The Cigars and the Tampons

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles, looking at many things. After some time passes, the sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few ...

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Three guys survive a plane crash in the desert. They wander for days, starving and thirsty. They finally come across a lone house and knock on the door, desperate for help...

A crusty old lady answers, and says she'd be happy to help if one of them will agree to satisfy her sexually first. After a quick discussion, one of the guys decides to take one for the team. He walks in to her bedroom while the other two wait outside the house. He tells her to close her eyes and op...

A Newcastle girl goes into a hair salon

The stylist says "Why aye lass, what do yee want?"

"Can I have a perm please?" says the customer. The stylist responds:

*Ah wandered lernley as a cloud that flerts on high oer vales an' hills...*

A family of country bumpkins visit the big city for the first time.

A family of farmers--Ma, Pa, and their son Jim--take a trip to the city and walk into a shopping mall for the first time. They gape in awe at all the shiny surfaces and gleaming store windows full of fancy objects. Before long, the boys wander off and leave Ma ogling a kiosk of crystal jewelry.
<...

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks...

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.

"No" replied the Irishman "I've lost all me luggage!"

"How'd that happen?"

"The cork fell out!" said the Irishma...

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A gentleman is wandering around the campus of a school looking for the library...

He approaches a student and asked, “Excuse me young man. Would you be good enough and tell me where the library is at?”

The student, in a very arrogant and belittling tone, replied, “I'm sorry, sir. But at this school we are taught never to end a sentence with a preposition!”

The ...

A horse, a sheep, and a chicken lived together on a farm.

The horse had long dreamed of learning to play the guitar.


So the horse rings a music shop and he says, “Hey, I’d love to learn to play guitar. Is there anyone who can teach me”?


The music shop manager says “That’s not an issue, let’s get you started on some music lessons.” ...

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Three young boys wander into a pharmacy...

The first one: "I wanna have the pink sweets with the jelly filling for 10p"

The old pharmacist pulls out a ladder and climbs the shelf to the top, opens the glass of candy and takes out 6 goodys, climbes down, packs them and hands them to the boy.

"So what do you want?" he asks the se...

While wandering in the desert I came across a lamp

When I rubbed it a Genie popped out.


Genie: You have released me from my prison, in return I shall grant you three wishes.

Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way won't it?

Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it w...

CEO spots a man wandering in a factory

In a factory, A man standing on the floor, not doing any work and looking aimlessly.

CEO of that factory came and asked his salary.

Man replied "5000 sir"

CEO took out his wallet and gave 15000 and told him
"I pay people to work and not to waste time, This is your 3months sal...

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.

When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcef...

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A man was driving home late one night,on a lonely road and is feeling very horny. As he is passing a pumpkin patch, his mind starts to wander...

He says to himself, "Ya know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside and there's no one around for miles."

He pulls over to the side of the road, picks up a nice juicy looking pumpkin, cuts the appropriate size hole in it and begins to do the pumpkin. Very shortly he is really into it and does...

A concerned citizen sees a distraught woman wandering around desperately calling out for someone she had become separated from...

Ever vigilant, the concerned citizen offers his help and asks what the lost individual looks like, and the woman describes a young girl who looks a little like her.

They decide to split up to cover more ground, and after a while the concern citizen sees a girl who matches the description. "De...

Vladimir Putin suffers a heart attack amidst the Ukraine crisis, and falls into a coma...

... A few years later, he wakes up, gets back on his feet and walks out of his room, right past the sleeping guard.

He walks out of the hospital onto the streets of Moscow, and finds that most people don't recognize him. Several years of vegetative coma seem to have taken its toll on his appe...

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Three Hunters.

Three hunters, Bill, Eric, and Justin were going deer hunting, but they were having no luck. Bill says he needs to take a dump. He gets up and wanders away to find a log. While he was gone, Eric shot a deer. They skinned it. Bill didn't come back. They cleaned it. Bill **still** didn't come back. So...

Every morning, the CEO of a major bank in Manhattan went to the corner where a shoeshine man was always there.

He used to sit on the chair, read the Wall Street Journal, and the shoeshine man gave his shoes a shiny, great look.

One morning, the shoeshine man asks the CEO:
"What do you think of the stock market situation?"

The CEO arrogantly asks him:
"Why are you so interested in this...

A drunk coming from a night club at dawn wandered off the path and trespassed into a military camp ... [long]

A drunk coming from a night club at dawn wandered off the path and trespassed into a military camp.

He was urinating on one of the camp’s flowerbeds when he was arrested and given a punishment to move a pile of some 1000 bricks from a shed to a nearby site on the camp where some construction ...

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So there is this bear hunter

So this chap is out bear hunting. He sees a large bear, sneaks up on it, takes his shot and misses!

The bear spots him and charges. The hunter runs but trips and the bear is on him. To his surprise the bear doesn't maul him to death but says:

"Look, I've eaten today but I am a bit ho...

There was a shipwreck off a deserted island in the middle of nowhere! The only survivors were three boys named Mike, Kyle, and Nate. After the wreck the boys decided to wander the island to see if they could find some food...

As the boys were wandering the island one of the boys stepped on a lamp and began to rub it when out of nowhere a genie popes out and grants them three wishes. They all think about it for a while until they came to the conclusion that they all get one wish. The first wish was Nate’s and he said that...

A penguin goes on vacation..

A penguin is driving his car through the country when it starts to smoke. He brings it to the local garage and asks the mechanic to look at it. The mechanic shakes his head and says, "I'll take a look, but it might take some time." The penguin shrugs and replies, "That's alright, I'll wander aroun...

My cows just wandered into a field of Marijuana

The steaks have never been so high.

A tourist wandering through the back alleys of San Francisco’s Chinatown finds his way into an antique store

A bronze statue of a rat catches his eye, and he asks for its price.


“The rat costs twelve dollars,” the shopkeeper says, “and it will be a thousand dollars more for the story behind it.”


The tourist, being a shrewd American, pays for the rat, telling the old man he can keep hi...

Eric is stranded on an island...

Eric is stranded on an island. He starts hopelessly wandering around and hides behind the bushes when he comes upon a local tribe of cannibals and their cannibal king sitting on a golden throne.

"I'm screwed." Eric whispers to himself.

Then, out of nowhere, appears a wise old man. "No...

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Two guys wander into a bar...

One of the men shouts to the bartender, “Hey Mike - set ‘em up for me and my pal here.” Then he turns to his slightly dim-witted friend and boasts “This is a great bar. For every two drinks you buy, the house gives you one. And the pinball machines in the back are free!” That’s not so great”, re...

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Toilet humor I know you haven't heard before.

So, I can guarantee this isn't a repost because it just happened to me. But I guess to put it in joke form I'll just tell it like this:

So this man decides to buy a bidet for his toilet. He gets it installed, and over time (with a couple surprises) he gets pretty comfortable using the control...

An American, a Frenchman, and a Vietnamese are arguing where Adam and Eve were from.

The American says, "Adam and Eve must be American. Look at how much they love freedom - they have everything they could ever want in the Garden of Eden, yet they still pursue the one single thing that they're forbidden from by God. To love absolute freedom so much, they must be American!"

The...

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A lawyer boards a plane and takes his seat in business class.

A few moments later, two more men wander in and sit next to him. They get to chatting and he discovers they are doctors.

After a few moments, one of the doctors comments that he needs a drink.

"It's ok, I'll get it for you," says the lawyer, and gets up. The doctors notice he has take...

There is person who wanders the Gobi Desert

They call her, Lone Lee

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A Neutron Star wanders near a Black Hole...

Neutron Star: Hey, imma just pass by real quick."

Black Hole: \*Laughs\* You dense motherfucker.

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A little boy wanders into a construction site next to his house.

A few hours later, he comes home and quickly finds his dad.

"Dad guess what. The guys at the construction site showed me how to build a house."

The dad excited, asked his son to show him what he learned. The son gets a roll of string, hands one end to his dad, runs to the other sid...

A duck walks into a pub…

He walks up to the landlord and asks for a pint of bitter. The landlord is a bit taken aback, but thinks custom is custom, he’ll serve the duck. The landlord asks, ‘We don’t get many ducks in here, what’s your name? Had a good day? ’

‘Huey’, replies the duck. ‘Not a bad day. Just duck-stuff....

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A young man was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came upon a small house.

Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, gray beard.
"I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst C...

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Three people reach the Pearly Gate at the same time, where they are told a very simple rule right at the beginning: DO NOT STEP ON DOGS! As a punishment, ugliness or stupidity awaits you.

"That should be easy", the three think to themselves, but when they pass the gate, they see that dogs are lying around everywhere.

The first one sees a heavenly hammock in the distance and carefully tries to reach it. But after only a few steps he steps on a small dog. He reaches the hammock ...

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filthy old man

A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a cliff, about to jump off.

An old homeless man who was wandering by stopped and said

"Look since you'll be dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a quickie before you go?"

She screamed "NO! Fuck off y...

There was once, in a small town, a man named Don.

One day Don was walking on top of a fence, and he slipped. When he slipped, the fence split him in half, right up the middle, but miraculously, each half of Don survived! Each half got up, started hopping away, and essentially started living separate lives.

The left half, more prone to ration...

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Why did the Jews wander in the desert for 40 years?

Because one of them dropped a nickel.

A guy sees a lonely penguin wandering in the streets downtown

He takes him immediately to the nearest police station to ask for advice.

"Officer, I found this penguin, what should I do?"

Officer is concerned and says:

"What is he doing there?? Take him to the Zoo immediately!"

Man says ok and leaves the police station.

A coup...

A bear wanders into a police station

He was just there to bear witness

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One old lady's poodle got lost during a photo safari...

..after chasing some butterflies and enjoying a frolic in the bushes.


Not before long, he discovers realises he's lost.

Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly in his direction.

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately sett...

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A guy is driving around the back woods and he sees a sign in front of a broken down, shanty-style house: Talking Dog For Sale. He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says,

"Well, I ...

A Hindu, a Rabbi, and a Priest are lost. They wander across a farmstead and ask to spend the night.

“I only have room for two, so one of you will have to stay in the barn,” says the Farm Owner.
The Hindu immediately volunteers. However, a few minutes later, he knocks on the front door.

“I’m sorry, but there is a cow in the barn, and they are sacred to me.”

“No problem,” says the R...

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3 men are drinking at a bar when a drunk wanders in...

He staggers up to the counter, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best fuck in town!"

Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same g...

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A man is wandering around deep in the forest when he comes upon a strange looking pub...

The man walks inside and is immediately greeted by the barkeep.

"What can I get you?" he asks.

"I'll just have a beer," the man replies.

"We're all out of beer," the barkeep says. "However, I do have another drink I can offer you... the Elixir of the Forest Elves!"

"What'...

A man is wandering the dessert, having lost his way, when he comes across a friendly looking salesman with a suitcase.

'Good day to you, good sir', the salesman greets him.
'Water, please!' is all the man manages to say through his sore throat.

'Oh, I'm afraid I don't have any water on me. But I can offer you one of these stylish ties.' With that he opens his suitcase and presents a collection of colored t...

One and Eleven left the other numbers and wandered off.

After quite some time, One came back.
“Why’d you go?” Asked the other numbers.
“I wanted to be a Roamin’ Numeral,” said One.

“Why did Eleven go with you?” They asked.
“Eleven wanted to be a Roamin’ Numeral two.”

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving.

They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says………

“Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk.”

“Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. ”

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tr...

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A lion sees a spring running while wandering through the jungle.

He leans in to take a drink, head down, rear up and his tail swaying in the air. A gorilla wanders by and gives the lion the old Liberace and runs off. The lion gives chase through the jungle. The gorilla comes upon a campsite at the edge of the jungle and dashes into a tent. He grabs a hat, puts it...

What do you call a wandering warrior who never gets angry.

A nomad.

Did you hear about the wandering nun?

She was a Roman Catholic.

A mathematician wanders back home at 3 a.m. and proceeds to get an earful from his wife. “You’re late!” she yells. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”

“Actually,” the mathematician replies coolly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”

I once saw a caveman wandering aimlessly in a roundabout manner.

I think it was a meanderthal.

After Adam and Eve arrived in Eden, he stayed out late a few nights wandering the garden.

Eve became suspicious.
“Are you running around with another woman?” Eve fired off.
“What other woman?” Adam exclaimed “ You’re it!”
That night, Adam was awakened by Eve poking him in the chest.
“What are you doing?”
“Counting your ribs.”

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Three guys are drinking in a bar, and this drunk wanders in..

He immediately goes to the middle guy, slaps him on the back and says "HEY! .. I fucked your mother last night.."

The guy in the middle ignores him, and the drunk shifts to the other side to start drinking and talking to himself. He comes back over ten minutes later and does it again!

...

When the zookeepers come in the morning, they find a kangaroo wandering the zoo...

They put it back in its environment, and add barbed wire to the top of the fencing to keep it from jumping out. Yet the next morning once more the kangaroo is found out and about, relaxing near the arctic exhibit.

Perplexed but not perturbed, they return it to its enclosure and call in the c...

A Glaswegian has the munchies and wanders into a bakery

and asks the baker "Is that a doughnut or a meringue?"

"No sir, you're perfectly correct, it's a doughnut".


(I don't expect many folk to get this btw)

So Gandhi wandered the desert barefoot and had hard, worn feet...

He was very thin from fasting often, his followers considered him prophetic, and because of his fasting and strange diet had chronic bad breath.

In short, you could say he was a

Super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis

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One night two drunks were wandering the town trying to get drinks

but between the two of them, they only had a dollar and change. So the first drunk says, "Hey, I've got an idea - we put our money together and buy a hot dog."

The second drunk, looking at him puzzled, says, "What the hell? I don't want a hot dog; I want a goddamn drink!"

The first say...

A guy decides to wander the desert for 2 weeks with only supplies and a camel.

After a week though, he starts thinking about women and gets aroused. Considering he’s a week into his solemn stroll, he tries to think of a solution to fulfill his needs. The only solution he could think of was the camel.

He pulls down his pants and begins to try to ... seduce ... the camel...

An Australian gets off the boat in 1930's dust bowl USA and wanders around the land a while.

The harbor master meets him at the shore and asked him...why are you here now?
Did you come here to die??
Naw mate... I came here yesterdie.

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A husband comes home to his wife after being fired

His wife asks him "So what happened?"

The husband explains "I often get bored at work and today my mind was wandering and I thought to myself 'what would happen if I stuck my penis inside the pickle slicer?'"

The wife is clearly blind-sided by this confession and doesn't know what to s...

Dalai Lama walks in to a Garden Centre and calmly wanders* around.

After some time an employee notices him placing something in to a small container of soil. Confused as to what he's just seen he approaches The Dalai Lama and asks him "Can I help you with anything, what exactly are you looking for?". The Dalai Lama replies enthusiastically "Peace on earth!". "Ah, I...

A man rushes home late from work, slams the door open and plops himself down on the sofa. He turns on the tv and looks at his wife “quick” he says “get me a beer and some food before it starts!”

The wife gets up slowly looking startled but slightly excited. She wanders into the kitchen and comes back quickly with a beer and some food for her husband.

The man gulps down the beer and looks back to his wife “quick!” He says “get me another beer before it starts!” The man goes back to fl...

Wandering through the hot desert, a youthful looking man comes upon a tent. Intrigued, he ventures inside...

...there before him lies a table with three upright cups. Behind the table, grinning ear to ear, is the proprietor.

“Welcome! Welcome!”, the proprietor says. “Care to play? Only five shekels. Keep track of which cup has the bean under it and win double.”

Unmoved, the man replies, “Cert...

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The path

A guy, down on his luck, is wandering the streets one day when he sees a ladder going up into the ceiling of a building. A note stuck on the bottom reads “climb the ladder to success”. Why not he thinks and starts climbing. As he crawls into the ceiling there’s a huge black dude sitting at the top w...

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3 men are wandering trough a desert.

3 men are wandering lost and hungry through a desert.
They've all but given up hope to make it out alive when they stumble upon a golden lamp in the sand. One of them picks it up and start rubbing the sand off of it. As the last grain of sand falls off the lamp a magical genie appears and with ...

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3 men are wandering the desert and find a magic lamp

One of them picks it up and gives it a rub and a genie pops out.

"Thank you for freeing me, as a sign of gratitude I shall grant each of you 3 wishes."

The first man quickly speaks "I wish I had a million dollars!" the genie nods and the man gets his phone, checks his bank account and ...

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An American tourist stopped at a local restaurant while wandering around Madrid...

While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious
looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look
good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Si, Señor, you have excellent taste! Those are calle...

A dad was holding his daughter in his arms wandering the insides of their new home.

Daughter: "What's upstairs?"

Dad: "Stairs don't talk, sweetie"

Two Cannibals are Wandering the Jungle...

They come upon a big fat missionary and brain him with a rock. They're excited to have such a feast before them.

Being equitable to one another, as all cannibals are, they decide that one start at the feet and the other start at the head; they'll both work their way to the middle.

Aft...

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A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and wanders over to the confessional box.

He opens the door, sits down and says nothing.

The bewildered priest waits for a few minutes, allowing the drunken man some time to collect his thoughts.

Five minutes pass. Growing impatient, the priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.

The pries...

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A priest and a rabbi are strolling down the city together one evening when they spot a little boy wandering down an alley...

The priest says “Let’s fuck him!” The rabbi says, “Out of what?”

[OC] A farmer was wandering around the ranch

He stopped at regular intervals along his wire fence, mumbling to himself.

"Hey Howard, what's up?" His neighbor cruised by on a pickup truck.

"Bill, there's something wrong with my fence." He points to the vertical piece of wood which held up the wire.

"This is exactly identi...

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What do you call a food advertisement wandering in the desert?

A Nom ad

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I was wandering through the cemetery earlier today when I saw a guy kneeling behind a gravestone

Trying to be polite, I said “Morning.”

To which he replied “Nope just taking a shit.”

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The Jews wandered in the desert for 40 years.

Who the hell gave them such lousy directions?

An old lady was wandering through a forest.

A ranger asked her: "Ma'am, are you lost?"

She said: "No way"

An Arabic man is helplessly wandering through the desert when he comes across a Jewish tie salesman.

"Water! Water!" The Arabic man cries.

"I have no water, only ties. Would you like to purchase a tie?" Replies the Jewish tie salesman.

"No!" Exclaims the Arabic man, "I need water! Tell me where there's water!"

"I know where there is water. 20 miles east, there is a village w...

The same German Shepard wanders over my front lawn every day.

Turns out he's just looking for his dog.

I was lost wandering by foot in Germany after my car broke down..

... When I came across a party where they were serving cheese and sausages. I suppose you could call it a wurst-Käse scenario.

A woman was wandering in the desert

A woman was wandering in the desert with her donkey.

After some time she saw a man walking towards her.

After walking for so long, he fainted and fell down.

The woman, seeing him ,bent down to give him some water.

Then the man said something.After hearing what he said
...

A young man is vacationing in Spain…

… when he happens to wander into a pub populated entirely by tourists, most of whom are in the midst of playing some kind of trivia game.

The young man sits down at a vacant table and listens for a while, slowly realizing that the game is focused entirely on the many hotels, motels, and hoste...

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An elephant wandering the jungle gets a thorn in its foot ...

Unable to extract the thorn itself, the elephant leans against a coconut tree, waiting for some other animal to come along and help him.

Hours pass and no animal appears. Just then, an ant comes crawling along.

"Oh, Brother Ant!" the elephant says. "Could you please help me take this t...

A man Is wandering in the desert

He is lost with no food or water, and is starving. He assumes quite rightly that he is going to die.
However just then he sees a church off in the distance. He sprints for it and inside he gets down on his knees and prays for food. *PLOP* A lump of meat appears before him.
He wolfs the food ...

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A lost poodle wanders through a forest

On the first day of an African safari trip, a woman gets distracted and her poodle wanders off into a forest. As the dog trots through the forest, it realizes it is lost and starts to panic.

While the poodle frantically runs around trying to find it's way back, a lion sees it and decides to ...

The Nigerian ambassador goes to visit the house of the ambassador of France

It's a huge and luxurious house with gardens, pools, greek statues and paintings.

The Nigerian ambassador wanders with the French ambassador after dining. The Nigerian ambassador then asks to the French ambassador how did he do to afford that house.
The French ambassador then tells him to ...

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Three old farmers, Frank, Adam, and Jake, are sitting on their farm and get a little bored.

Frank turns to the other two and says, "I reckon we haven't had much excitement around our farms these days, what do y'all say to comin' up with somethin' fun?"

Jake says, "Welp, I suppose we could use something new in our lives. I got a big old sow sitting in the pen, shits everywhere all da...

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So apparently a gorilla got shot at the zoo for grabbing a kid that had wandered into its enclosure..

And social media went apeshit.

So two guys are wandering the desert when they see a bacon tree...

So there's two guys wandering through a desert, searching for water. One guy is a little ahead of the other one and they are walking in a line. After a few hours of wandering, the first guy sees a dark shape on the horizon. He points it out and says, "Dude, I think I see something!" And the first gu...

A man is driving down a road when he sees a wandering man with his thumb out

Being the nice person he was, he pulled over and let the man in.

“Aww, thank you! I’ve been out there for about 2 hours just with my suitcase!”

They got to talking, and eventually the man got to his stop.

“Thank you, and I never told you what was in my suitcase. Come on out of y...

A young girl wanders into a section of beach designated for nudists only...

A man sees the young girl approaching him and quickly covers up his privates with a small towel. She asks the man what’s under his towel and he says that it’s his little birdie. She asks if she can play with his little bird but the man insists that it is sleeping. The girl keeps pleading with the ma...

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A man wanders about a casino and sees a gorgeous woman who is clearly bored

"Hello, I see you're sad, what happened?", he asks.

"Well, I'm not sad really, just a little bored", she answers, "you see, I'm a little kinky and most men around my social status don't really seem to like it".

"Oh really? Well I enjoy being kinky too, so it seems that we have the same...

A man and woman are wandering a forest

They wander the forest and stumble upon a suitcase. The man opens up the suitcase. Inside, there are 2 mice that appear to be dead. The woman reacts by saying "Oh my god, are they moving?" The man replies, "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."

One day a man wandered too far away

From his camp, he knows he needs to head east and he searches for hours trying to find the sun.

Then it dawned on him.

(Thought of this joke at work, might have sounded better in my head)

Donald wanders in to the hardware store and tells the salesman he’s got a lot of firewood to cut and what could he buy to do the job.

The salesman shows Donald the best chainsaw he’s got and tells him he should be able to cut at least 500 cubic ft of wood an hour with it. Donald says great and takes the chainsaw home with him.

The next day Donald brings back the chainsaw and says he was only able to cut 2 hundred cubic ft...

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A man and his monkey enter a bar..

A man and his monkey enter a bar. The man sits down and orders a beer, while the monkey begins to wander and examine his surroundings. The monkey picks up a peanut, smells it, and then swallows it whole. The bartender notices and says, "Hey, did you see what your pet monkey did?"

The man n...

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Once upon a time, there was a little sparrow who decided to be different from all the other birds by not flying south for the winter.

Needless to say, it soon got so cold that the little bird reluctantly started south anyway. A storm blew in, the little bird grew cold, and ice formed on his wings which caused him to fall to the ground in a barnyard. A cow wandered by and shit on him. This may seem terrible, but it warmed the po...

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The best joke I’ve ever heard which never fails to make me smile whenever I remember it.(NSFW)

Three explorers get lost in a huge jungle. After wandering around for days, they are found and captured by a jungle tribe. The tribesmen take the explorers to their leader and drop them at his feet. The chieftain looks at them for a moment and says, “ The three of you will die unless you manage to d...

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