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Wander Jokes

An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that ...

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard.

. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.
He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This cont...

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An Arab man is wandering lost through the desert

An Arab man is wandering lost through the Sahara. He sees a man in the distance and struggles to get there hoping it's not a mirage. He finally arrives and sees a nice Jewish man with a table of ties.

"Please, I've been lost for hours and so incredibly thirsty, do you have any water?". The Je...

Did you hear, Little Timmy wandered straight into the mine field?

The whole town heard.

Some say he was distracted, that his mind was all over the place.
It certainly is now.

Timmy wasn’t too smart.
The warning sign next to the minefield *literally* has more brain than him.

The mine field always filled Timmy with awe and wonder.
It ...

Jesus was wandering the desert, when he met an old man.

"What brings you to the desert?" asked Jesus.

"I'm looking for my son. I lost him many years ago."

"How did you lose him? What happened?"

"I had one son- not by birth, by a heavenly miracle. He had tremendous struggles with temptation. At one point, he even died, and came back ...

While wandering in the desert I came across a lamp

When I rubbed it a Genie popped out.


Genie: You have released me from my prison, in return I shall grant you three wishes.

Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way won't it?

Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it w...

A lost dog wanders through the jungle. In the distance a lion sees him and whispers: "I'm going to eat him, I have never seen anything like that before."

The lion then began to approach the dog in a threatening manner. When the dog realized this, he panicked, but as he tried to run away, he saw a bone nearby, and he got the idea to speak out loud. "Lion meat is delicious!"

The lion suddenly stopped and said: "Wow, this guy is stronger than he...

A mathematician wanders back home at 3 a.m. and proceeds to get an earful from his wife.

“You’re late!” she yells. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”

“Actually,” the mathematician replies coolly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”

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A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown.

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

...

What do you call a wandering caveman?

A Meanderthal.

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3 men are drinking at a bar when a drunk wanders in...

He staggers up to the counter, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best fuck in town!"

Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same g...

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A young man was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came upon a small house.

Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, gray beard.
"I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst C...

Two men were wandering through a forest and found some tracks

One of them thought they were deer tracks, the other thought they were elk tracks. They were still arguing about it when the train ran them over.

What is the opposite of a wandering Jew?

A Roamin’ Catholic

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Three young boys wander into a pharmacy...

The first one: "I wanna have the pink sweets with the jelly filling for 10p"

The old pharmacist pulls out a ladder and climbs the shelf to the top, opens the glass of candy and takes out 6 goodys, climbes down, packs them and hands them to the boy.

"So what do you want?" he asks the se...

A guy sees a lonely penguin wandering in the streets downtown

He takes him immediately to the nearest police station to ask for advice.

"Officer, I found this penguin, what should I do?"

Officer is concerned and says:

"What is he doing there?? Take him to the Zoo immediately!"

Man says ok and leaves the police station.

A coup...

Two Cannibals are Wandering the Jungle...

They come upon a big fat missionary and brain him with a rock. They're excited to have such a feast before them.

Being equitable to one another, as all cannibals are, they decide that one start at the feet and the other start at the head; they'll both work their way to the middle.

Aft...

A man was wandering around a carnival.....

and he happened to see a fortuneteller’s tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down.
“Ah...” said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. “I see you are the father of two children.”

“That’s what you think,” said the man scornfully. “I’m the father of THR...

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Two guys wander into a bar...

One of the men shouts to the bartender, “Hey Mike - set ‘em up for me and my pal here.” Then he turns to his slightly dim-witted friend and boasts “This is a great bar. For every two drinks you buy, the house gives you one. And the pinball machines in the back are free!” That’s not so great”, re...

A Hindu, a Rabbi, and a Jehovah's Witness are lost..

They wander across a farmstead and ask to spend the night.

"I only have room for two, so one of you will have to stay in the barn," says the Farm Owner.

The Hindu immediately volunteers, insisting it's no problem. However, a few minutes later, he knocks on the front door.

"I'm s...

An old nearly blind marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar

He sits down at the bar, squints through his old eyes, sees a woman at the end of the bar and gives her a wave.

She sees the old man, lifts her arm and gives him a big wave back, revealing a very hairy armpit.

The old marine says to the bartender “I’ll take a shot of whiskey, and sen...

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A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton-balls and a ball of string on the counter.
The sales girl says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my w...

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An American tourist stopped at a local restaurant while wandering around Madrid...

While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious
looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look
good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Si, Señor, you have excellent taste! Those are calle...

CEO spots a man wandering in a factory

In a factory, A man standing on the floor, not doing any work and looking aimlessly.

CEO of that factory came and asked his salary.

Man replied "5000 sir"

CEO took out his wallet and gave 15000 and told him
"I pay people to work and not to waste time, This is your 3months sal...

how many Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?

None; they're content to wander around in the dark pretending everything's okay.

A man Is wandering in the desert

He is lost with no food or water, and is starving. He assumes quite rightly that he is going to die.
However just then he sees a church off in the distance. He sprints for it and inside he gets down on his knees and prays for food. *PLOP* A lump of meat appears before him.
He wolfs the food ...

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A Neutron Star wanders near a Black Hole...

Neutron Star: Hey, imma just pass by real quick."

Black Hole: \*Laughs\* You dense motherfucker.

There is person who wanders the Gobi Desert

They call her, Lone Lee

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3 men are wandering trough a desert.

3 men are wandering lost and hungry through a desert.
They've all but given up hope to make it out alive when they stumble upon a golden lamp in the sand. One of them picks it up and start rubbing the sand off of it. As the last grain of sand falls off the lamp a magical genie appears and with ...

My cows just wandered into a field of Marijuana

The steaks have never been so high.

A bear wanders into a police station

He was just there to bear witness

Did you hear about the Russian wolf that wandered into Ukraine and got in a trap?

It chewed off three of it's legs and was still caught in the trap.

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Your Girlfriend Is Pregnant !

Guy: But doctor that can't be right. We use condoms everytime we have sex.

Doctor: Well, the test result would suggest otherwise. Maybe the condom broke?

Guy: No I'm sure it didn't.

Doctor: Alright then. Let me tell you a story. A guy was wandering in the forest where he encount...

One and Eleven left the other numbers and wandered off.

After quite some time, One came back.
“Why’d you go?” Asked the other numbers.
“I wanted to be a Roamin’ Numeral,” said One.

“Why did Eleven go with you?” They asked.
“Eleven wanted to be a Roamin’ Numeral two.”

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Why did the Jews wander in the desert for 40 years?

Because one of them dropped a nickel.

When the zookeepers come in the morning, they find a kangaroo wandering the zoo...

They put it back in its environment, and add barbed wire to the top of the fencing to keep it from jumping out. Yet the next morning once more the kangaroo is found out and about, relaxing near the arctic exhibit.

Perplexed but not perturbed, they return it to its enclosure and call in the c...

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A gentleman is wandering around the campus of a school looking for the library...

He approaches a student and asked, “Excuse me young man. Would you be good enough and tell me where the library is at?”

The student, in a very arrogant and belittling tone, replied, “I'm sorry, sir. But at this school we are taught never to end a sentence with a preposition!”

The ...

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks...

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.

"No" replied the Irishman "I've lost all me luggage!"

"How'd that happen?"

"The cork fell out!" said the Irishma...

Did you hear about the wandering nun?

She was a Roman Catholic.

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.

When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcef...

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A man was driving home late one night,on a lonely road and is feeling very horny. As he is passing a pumpkin patch, his mind starts to wander...

He says to himself, "Ya know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside and there's no one around for miles."

He pulls over to the side of the road, picks up a nice juicy looking pumpkin, cuts the appropriate size hole in it and begins to do the pumpkin. Very shortly he is really into it and does...

Vladimir Putin suffers a heart attack amidst the Ukraine crisis, and falls into a coma...

... A few years later, he wakes up, gets back on his feet and walks out of his room, right past the sleeping guard.

He walks out of the hospital onto the streets of Moscow, and finds that most people don't recognize him. Several years of vegetative coma seem to have taken its toll on his appe...

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A little boy wanders into a construction site next to his house.

A few hours later, he comes home and quickly finds his dad.

"Dad guess what. The guys at the construction site showed me how to build a house."

The dad excited, asked his son to show him what he learned. The son gets a roll of string, hands one end to his dad, runs to the other sid...

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A husband comes home to his wife after being fired from the pickle factory...

His wife asks him "So what happened?"

The husband explains "I often get bored at work and today my mind was wandering and I thought to myself 'what would happen if I stuck my penis inside the pickle slicer?'"

The wife is clearly blind-sided by this confession and doesn't know what to s...

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Three guys are drinking in a bar, and this drunk wanders in..

He immediately goes to the middle guy, slaps him on the back and says "HEY! .. I fucked your mother last night.."

The guy in the middle ignores him, and the drunk shifts to the other side to start drinking and talking to himself. He comes back over ten minutes later and does it again!

...

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony

On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'

The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'

...

A cat wandered into a museum last night and scratched up one of the impressionist paintings The Water Lilies.

It’s a clawed monet.

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An American sailor walks up to a urinal and starts peeing...

... A few seconds later, a fellow Irish sailor goes to the urinal next to him and starts peeing. The American's eyes start to wander, and he can't help but look down at the Irish man's penis and notice a "W" and "Y" tattooed down there. "I'm really sorry that I looked over," says the American, "bu...

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filthy old man

A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a cliff, about to jump off.

An old homeless man who was wandering by stopped and said

"Look since you'll be dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a quickie before you go?"

She screamed "NO! Fuck off y...

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A lion sees a spring running while wandering through the jungle.

He leans in to take a drink, head down, rear up and his tail swaying in the air. A gorilla wanders by and gives the lion the old Liberace and runs off. The lion gives chase through the jungle. The gorilla comes upon a campsite at the edge of the jungle and dashes into a tent. He grabs a hat, puts it...

What do you call a wandering warrior who never gets angry.

A nomad.

A woman was wandering in the desert

A woman was wandering in the desert with her donkey.

After some time she saw a man walking towards her.

After walking for so long, he fainted and fell down.

The woman, seeing him ,bent down to give him some water.

Then the man said something.After hearing what he said
...

[OC] A farmer was wandering around the ranch

He stopped at regular intervals along his wire fence, mumbling to himself.

"Hey Howard, what's up?" His neighbor cruised by on a pickup truck.

"Bill, there's something wrong with my fence." He points to the vertical piece of wood which held up the wire.

"This is exactly identi...

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One night two drunks were wandering the town trying to get drinks

but between the two of them, they only had a dollar and change. So the first drunk says, "Hey, I've got an idea - we put our money together and buy a hot dog."

The second drunk, looking at him puzzled, says, "What the hell? I don't want a hot dog; I want a goddamn drink!"

The first say...

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A lost poodle wanders through a forest

On the first day of an African safari trip, a woman gets distracted and her poodle wanders off into a forest. As the dog trots through the forest, it realizes it is lost and starts to panic.

While the poodle frantically runs around trying to find it's way back, a lion sees it and decides to ...

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving.

They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says………

“Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk.”

“Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. ”

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tr...

A Glaswegian has the munchies and wanders into a bakery

and asks the baker "Is that a doughnut or a meringue?"

"No sir, you're perfectly correct, it's a doughnut".


(I don't expect many folk to get this btw)

An old lady was wandering through a forest.

A ranger asked her: "Ma'am, are you lost?"

She said: "No way"

I once saw a caveman wandering aimlessly in a roundabout manner.

I think it was a meanderthal.

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The Jews wandered in the desert for 40 years.

Who the hell gave them such lousy directions?

One day a man wandered too far away

From his camp, he knows he needs to head east and he searches for hours trying to find the sun.

Then it dawned on him.

(Thought of this joke at work, might have sounded better in my head)

A concerned citizen sees a distraught woman wandering around desperately calling out for someone she had become separated from...

Ever vigilant, the concerned citizen offers his help and asks what the lost individual looks like, and the woman describes a young girl who looks a little like her.

They decide to split up to cover more ground, and after a while the concern citizen sees a girl who matches the description. "De...

A man and woman are wandering a forest

They wander the forest and stumble upon a suitcase. The man opens up the suitcase. Inside, there are 2 mice that appear to be dead. The woman reacts by saying "Oh my god, are they moving?" The man replies, "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."

So Gandhi wandered the desert barefoot and had hard, worn feet...

He was very thin from fasting often, his followers considered him prophetic, and because of his fasting and strange diet had chronic bad breath.

In short, you could say he was a

Super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis

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What do you call a food advertisement wandering in the desert?

A Nom ad

A tourist wandering through the back alleys of San Francisco’s Chinatown finds his way into an antique store

A bronze statue of a rat catches his eye, and he asks for its price.


“The rat costs twelve dollars,” the shopkeeper says, “and it will be a thousand dollars more for the story behind it.”


The tourist, being a shrewd American, pays for the rat, telling the old man he can keep hi...

A penguin goes on vacation..

A penguin is driving his car through the country when it starts to smoke. He brings it to the local garage and asks the mechanic to look at it. The mechanic shakes his head and says, "I'll take a look, but it might take some time." The penguin shrugs and replies, "That's alright, I'll wander aroun...

A man wandering the desert, finds a lamp...

Skeptical, he rubs the lamp and to his surprise a Genie pops out and says:

"You get three wishes, go."

The man thought for a moment before speaking

"You know, I've thought of the perfect first wish!"
He mulled it over a momemt longer before spouting
"I want the greatest ...

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Three guys survive a plane crash in the desert. They wander for days, starving and thirsty. They finally come across a lone house and knock on the door, desperate for help...

A crusty old lady answers, and says she'd be happy to help if one of them will agree to satisfy her sexually first. After a quick discussion, one of the guys decides to take one for the team. He walks in to her bedroom while the other two wait outside the house. He tells her to close her eyes and op...

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A city guy decides to pursue his dream to be a lumberjack

So he moves to a remote logging town in the northern woods. It's just 40 men in this little community, hundreds of miles from the nearest town of any size, and he wonders how they manage their "loneliness," if you know what I mean.

One evening in the spring, after the day's work has ended, a ...

While wandering through the woods....

I came upon a rabbit who said he could jump over the moon. So I shot him. Then I happened upon a deer who said he was faster than the speed of light. So I shot him. Then a bear appeared and said he was in the Russian space program. So I shot him.

Remember, only you can prevent forest liars.

The same German Shepard wanders over my front lawn every day.

Turns out he's just looking for his dog.

A drunk coming from a night club at dawn wandered off the path and trespassed into a military camp ... [long]

A drunk coming from a night club at dawn wandered off the path and trespassed into a military camp.

He was urinating on one of the camp’s flowerbeds when he was arrested and given a punishment to move a pile of some 1000 bricks from a shed to a nearby site on the camp where some construction ...

I was lost wandering by foot in Germany after my car broke down..

... When I came across a party where they were serving cheese and sausages. I suppose you could call it a wurst-Käse scenario.

Jesus is wandering through the desert

Jesus is wandering through the desert, desperately seeking his father. It has been 40 days and 40 nights since he last rested or had a meal and he is exhausted.

Just as he thinks he can't take it any more, he sees a figure on the distant horizon. He manages to summon up the energy to stumble ...

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So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest....

Kind of pissed off because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he was brown or green like the other toads. He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing.

Any way ... this yellow toad bumps into a Fairy Godmother, like you do, and he begs her; "Fairy Godmother please m...

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A small plane crashed in the middle of the desert. The pilot and co-pilot wandered around for days in search of food, but could find nothing. Finally the co-pilot announced: ‘I’m so hungry....

I’m going to chop off my dick and eat it.’
‘Before you do,’ said the pilot. ‘Think of your girlfriend.’
‘What’s the point? At this rate I will never see her again anyway.’
‘I know, but if you think of her first, hopefully there will be enough for both of us

A thesaurus walks into a bar

A thesaurus strolls into a bar.

A thesaurus saunters into a bar.

A thesaurus ambles into a bar.

A thesaurus walks into a bar.

A thesaurus plods into a bar.

A thesaurus hikes into a bar.

A thesaurus treks into a bar.

A thesaurus wanders into a bar.
...

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A man is wandering around deep in the forest when he comes upon a strange looking pub...

The man walks inside and is immediately greeted by the barkeep.

"What can I get you?" he asks.

"I'll just have a beer," the man replies.

"We're all out of beer," the barkeep says. "However, I do have another drink I can offer you... the Elixir of the Forest Elves!"

"What'...

A guy decides to wander the desert for 2 weeks with only supplies and a camel.

After a week though, he starts thinking about women and gets aroused. Considering he’s a week into his solemn stroll, he tries to think of a solution to fulfill his needs. The only solution he could think of was the camel.

He pulls down his pants and begins to try to ... seduce ... the camel...

A man is wandering around saying

15, 15, 15.

A passer-by stops and asks what is this 15.

He says come with me. The passer-by follows and they reach a well.

The man says look inside. He looks inside. The man pushes him in and starts saying 16, 16, 16.

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An elephant wandering the jungle gets a thorn in its foot ...

Unable to extract the thorn itself, the elephant leans against a coconut tree, waiting for some other animal to come along and help him.

Hours pass and no animal appears. Just then, an ant comes crawling along.

"Oh, Brother Ant!" the elephant says. "Could you please help me take this t...

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A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and wanders over to the confessional box.

He opens the door, sits down and says nothing.

The bewildered priest waits for a few minutes, allowing the drunken man some time to collect his thoughts.

Five minutes pass. Growing impatient, the priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.

The pries...

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A man walks into a bar with a Labrador.

He makes his way to the bar and orders a drink.

“I’m sorry, but we don’t allow dogs in here,” says the bartender.

“That’s my seeing-eye dog,” the man replies.

The bartender’s face instantly drops, knowing he made himself out to be a complete asshole.

“Oh God. I’m sorry. H...

After Adam and Eve arrived in Eden, he stayed out late a few nights wandering the garden.

Eve became suspicious.
“Are you running around with another woman?” Eve fired off.
“What other woman?” Adam exclaimed “ You’re it!”
That night, Adam was awakened by Eve poking him in the chest.
“What are you doing?”
“Counting your ribs.”

Wandering round Liverpool yesterday with my wife and our toddler son, when he decided to have a tantrum, throwing his favourite red toy car out of his buggy.

By the time I picked it up, it was blue and had new number plates.

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Three guys wandering beside a cliff find a golden lamp...

...one of the guys pick it and cleans it and because he rubbed it with his shirt, a genie pops out. He says to the 3 guys: “because you have woken me to see the world once more, I will grant each of you 1 wish. However you must jump and leap into your wish near the grass here!”

Filled with ex...

A dad was holding his daughter in his arms wandering the insides of their new home.

Daughter: "What's upstairs?"

Dad: "Stairs don't talk, sweetie"

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[NSFW] A huntsman wanders into the woods...

And he stumbles across a small brown bear. He pulls up his shotgun, and kills the animal. As he's celebrating, he gets a tap on the shoulder; it's a black bear.

"You didn't want to be doing that buddy. I either kill you, or I do you in the butt."

The huntsman is taken aback, but eventu...

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An Arab wandering through the Sahara

finds an old bronze lamp. When he uncorks it, out comes a genie dressed in black, with side curls a yarmulke.

"Oy, someone has *finally* freed me from that prison! I will grant you *1 wish*."

"You covetous Jew, you will give me *3* wishes!"

"It is 1 or I give you nothing, you v...

Wandering through the hot desert, a youthful looking man comes upon a tent. Intrigued, he ventures inside...

...there before him lies a table with three upright cups. Behind the table, grinning ear to ear, is the proprietor.

“Welcome! Welcome!”, the proprietor says. “Care to play? Only five shekels. Keep track of which cup has the bean under it and win double.”

Unmoved, the man replies, “Cert...

An old man wandering around a grocery store.

While wandering around the man is shouting Crisco. An employee finally walks over and ask the man if he needs help finding the Crisco.

Old man "Im not looking for the crisco"

Employee "then why are you calling out for it"

Old man "Im looking for my wife"

Employee "Then ...

What do you call a number that wanders about?

A Roman numeral

(stolen shamelessly from my friend)

A man stranded in the desert wanders into a store

A man stranded in the desert wanders into a store and says to the store clerk in a mumbled voice, “water...water...please...water”

The clerk says, “I’m sorry sir but we don’t have any water here, we only sell ties. If you want water, there is a restaurant about 10 miles north of here.”
...

So two guys are wandering the desert when they see a bacon tree...

So there's two guys wandering through a desert, searching for water. One guy is a little ahead of the other one and they are walking in a line. After a few hours of wandering, the first guy sees a dark shape on the horizon. He points it out and says, "Dude, I think I see something!" And the first gu...

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Wandering through the jungle, a lizard comes across a monkey getting baked

**Lizard** \- Hey Monkey, what's all that smoke up there ? You alright ?

**Monkey** \- Maaaan come up there and taste this shit with me. You gonna have the best time of your life !

*The lizard seems hesitant but climbs up anyway and joins the monkey on the tree and in his smoking sessi...

An Australian gets off the boat in 1930's dust bowl USA and wanders around the land a while.

The harbor master meets him at the shore and asked him...why are you here now?
Did you come here to die??
Naw mate... I came here yesterdie.

What do you call a cow that accidentally wanders into a slaughterhouse?

A mis-steak.

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A man is wandering lost in the middle of nowhere

When he happens upon a single house. Hoping he to find a place to rest, he approaches the door and knocks. A middle aged Chinese man opens the door and the man pleads with him for shelter as he has been without food and water. As he is speaking he notices the Chinese man's daughter atop the stairs a...

An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life...

...when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

''Well, now,'' says the old lady, ''I guess I would like to be really rich.''

*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

''And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a...

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I was wandering through the cemetery earlier today when I saw a guy kneeling behind a gravestone

Trying to be polite, I said “Morning.”

To which he replied “Nope just taking a shit.”

I once dated a girl with a wandering eye...

...but she was seeing somebody on the side.

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A reporter walks into a bar

A reporter walks into a bar in a small Louisiana town. He's been sent by his editor in the big city to get a human interest story, and so he walks up to some burly guy in overalls and offers him a drink in return for the story of the best day of his life.

"Best day? Well, that must've been th...

A man is wandering the dessert, having lost his way, when he comes across a friendly looking salesman with a suitcase.

'Good day to you, good sir', the salesman greets him.
'Water, please!' is all the man manages to say through his sore throat.

'Oh, I'm afraid I don't have any water on me. But I can offer you one of these stylish ties.' With that he opens his suitcase and presents a collection of colored t...

A young girl wanders into a section of beach designated for nudists only...

A man sees the young girl approaching him and quickly covers up his privates with a small towel. She asks the man what’s under his towel and he says that it’s his little birdie. She asks if she can play with his little bird but the man insists that it is sleeping. The girl keeps pleading with the ma...

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The best joke I’ve ever heard which never fails to make me smile whenever I remember it.(NSFW)

Three explorers get lost in a huge jungle. After wandering around for days, they are found and captured by a jungle tribe. The tribesmen take the explorers to their leader and drop them at his feet. The chieftain looks at them for a moment and says, “ The three of you will die unless you manage to d...

Three blokes come across a castle while wandering the woods..

They knock on the door and an older man answers

The first of the three men ask if there's any place they can spend the night, as it was getting dark out and night was coming soon.

The old man responded to the first man "yes, but I don't like you. You'll have to sleep with the cows." ...

There was once, in a small town, a man named Don.

One day Don was walking on top of a fence, and he slipped. When he slipped, the fence split him in half, right up the middle, but miraculously, each half of Don survived! Each half got up, started hopping away, and essentially started living separate lives.

The left half, more prone to rati...

Why Bilbo had to be Male

Fun fact: Bilbo Baggins had to be a male in order for the plot of The Hobbit to work. If he was instead female, everything would have fallen apart in the goblin cave. Bilbo would have gone off wandering around in the dark and dreary caverns, found the ring, and seen Gollum fishing like in the origin...

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A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog For Sale.’

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a ...

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A cowboy is wandering through the desert...

He wanders by a Native American with a huge erection just laying on the hot sand on his back.

The cowboy asks "What exactly are you doing."

The Native American responds, "I am telling the time."

The cowboy noticed the shadow from the Native American's penis, shrugged, and trot...

A Calvinist arrived at the Gates of Heaven.

He sees that there are two lines going in. One has a sign that reads "predestined," and the other, "free will". He naturally heads to the predestined line.

While waiting, an angel comes and asks him "Why are you in this line?"

He replies, "Because I chose it."

The angel looks su...

Two Belgian men are wandering around, far away from their town...

...when they walk past a bus depot. One of the men has the idea to steal a bus, so they can go home. The other man agrees and one of them climbs over the fence to steal a bus. After a lot of noise and two hours later, the Belgian finally returns with a bus. The other man asked what took him so long....

An Arabic man is helplessly wandering through the desert when he comes across a Jewish tie salesman.

"Water! Water!" The Arabic man cries.

"I have no water, only ties. Would you like to purchase a tie?" Replies the Jewish tie salesman.

"No!" Exclaims the Arabic man, "I need water! Tell me where there's water!"

"I know where there is water. 20 miles east, there is a village w...

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks…

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving ...

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