UPJOKE

Going To Church Jokes

After many years of not going to church an elderly lady decides to go to her local service.

Although very poor and with worn-out clothing, she dressed in her best and headed out. As she approached the church, she saw all the people dressed in such splendor. Not a stain, not a rip or tear on any of their clothes. The preacher and deacons stood and welcomed people as they entered.

She...

Two nuns were going to church.

Riding their bikes, one suggested they take a side street. The other nun asked, "Do you come this way often?" The first nun replies, "Yes, it's the cobblestones."

A dad told his 15 year old son that he would buy him a car…

…in 6 months on his 16th birthday if he (the son) got a job, made all “A’s” in school, started going to church every week and cut his hair. The son agreed to do all four things.

Six months go by and the dad told his son, “Son, you got a job, you are going to church every Sunday and are making...

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian

any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Going to church in Chicago

When I heard Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson were guest preachers at a nearby church, I decided to go there and check them out in person.

As soon as I sat down, Reverend Sharpton came over to me. I don't know why, maybe it was because I was the only white person in the church?

He laid hi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why don't young boys like going to church?

It's a massive pain in the ass.

My Christian friend keeps asking me to go to church and I keep refusing.

Friend: Why won't you go to church with me? he asked.

Me: Well you see, I'm Jewish and going to church isn't something we do.

Friend: Well, you just haven't found Jesus yet.

Me: Oh no, that's not it. we definitely found him...

I love going to church.

I like that they pass a basket were you grab money.

What did the lion say to his pride before going to church?

"Let us prey"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

George raises his beer mug in the air and says, "Here's to spending the rest of my life having sex with my wife!" The bar is filled with whistles and claps, and the bartender even gives him a ribbon that says, "Best Toast of the Month".

When George gets home, he shows his wife, Linda, the ribbon. "And what exactly was your award-winning toast?" she asks.

George thinks for a while and says, "Here's to spending the rest of my life going to church with my wife."

The next day when George is at work, Linda is walking down ...

going on social media these days is like going to church

after 5mins, I feel guilty af

What do you call it when Batman skips going to church?

A Christian Bale

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do black people like going to church?

Because it's the only time they get to call someone father.

A boy doesn’t want to go to church on Sunday, so he stays in bed.

His parents are furious that he’s not ready to go so they instead leaves without him. His parents talk to him for a long time about why going to church is important so he promises to go next time.

The next week he just feels so tired and really doesn’t want to go to church. So he hides in hi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies, "Yes, father. I used the "F-word" over the weekend."

The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language."

The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-wo...

Because the government can't seem to get out their own way and are actively hindering relief efforts, evangelicals have a point still going to church

Only God can help them now

A 16-year-old boy passes his driver's test and gets his license.

He says to his father, "Dad, I've got my license now, and I want the keys to the car."

"You're not getting the keys to the car. Before you get the keys, I want three things from you. I want you to cut your hair, I want you to dump your loser friends, and I want you to start going to church ag...

A doctor is going around doing house calls with his new postdoc assistant.

Before entering the first house, he tells him: "I'm sure you think you learned everything you needed to know about the job, but you'll have to learn how to observe the patients and their habits if you want to diagnose them properly."

They go to the first patient, a bed-ridden woman. The docto...

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A woman brings another man home while her husband is away at work...

A woman brings another man home while her husband is away at work. Her kid is home, sees the man and gets scared and runs into his mothers closet. The woman brings the man up and they start to do their thing. Suddenly, the front door opens up, and the husband is home from work early. The wife tells ...

A man comes walking out of a brothel

Right as he walks out i to the street, there's a little boy, smiling and pointing at the man, saying "Hah! I know what you've done! Ooh, I know *exactly* what you've done!"

The man is red with embarassment. "Would you keep it down, son? ", he said and gave the boy 10 dollars. "Take this and f...

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