If you can't think of a word, say "I forgot the English word for it."

That way people will think you're bilingual instead of an idiot.

Ah yes, I forgot it!

Sometimes I experience both amnesia and dejà vu at the same time, and I'm like:"Yep, I've forgotten this before ".

A soldier shows up for military training, but realizes he forgot to bring his gun.

The sergeant hands him a stick and gestures to the training field.

"You'll have to use this, soldier. If you need to shoot someone, just aim your stick at them and shout 'Bangity bang-bang'. If someone gets too close to you, poke them in the gut with it as though it was a bayonette and shout ...

I forgot how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6, and 500 in Roman numerals.

I’M LIVID.

So my friend forgot to bring the mayonnaise for the party tonight…

I was like, “What the Hellmann”

Bob forgot his wedding anniversary

His wife was mad. She told him “tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!!”

The next morning she saw a big gift wrapped box in the driveway. She rushed out, opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

I can't believe I forgot to go to the gym today.

That's 5 years in a row now.

Do you know the story about the guy that everyone forgot about?

Me neither

Him "I know we agreed to trade my cheese for your chicken, but I forgot the cheese at home. Will you still give me the chicken?"

Her "Absolutely not! You know what they say: 'No parm, no fowl!'".

I bought minced meat but forgot to pay the butcher

He now has a beef with me

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A Man Buys His Wife A Special Type Of Dildo

A man was looking around a sex store searching for a special sex toy to buy his wife so that she won't screw around on him while he is away on a business trip for a few weeks.

After not finding anything special he asks the old man working the store.

The old man replies "Well there is...

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A man goes to an animal market

He goes up to a rooster seller and buys a rooster.

The seller hands it to him and says, "Oh, in this business, we call it a cock".

The man takes note and goes to buy a hen seller.

The seller hands it to him after paying and tells him "By the way, in this business, we call it a ...

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I've been getting the same prostitute to come to my work and secretly give me felatio for a while now. I forgot to tell her that I was sick yesterday and had to call in a cover.

Safe to say my cover was blown...

I’m so busy with Covid and homeschool that I forgot to drain the kids mac & cheese.

Next time I'll set a Google Colander reminder...

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Soap for sister

Two men on a pilgrimage spend the night at a Nunnery. They take a shower across the hall. When they want to start they notice they forgot the soap and one of them quickly darts back to their room to get two little travel soaps. Just as he wants to cross the hallway two nuns walk by, thinking on his ...

This is why divorce rates are always increasing

Why did I get divorced, you ask? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't get me a present and didn't even wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my co-workers didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy b...

I forgot how to use a boomerang

But then it came back to me

My mom's sister was telling me she forgot a bunch of basic math...

Please Excuse My Dear Aunt Sally

I forgot where my boomerang was

Then it hit me.

I asked an old man, "Even after 95 years, you still call your wife 'Darling', 'Honey', 'Love'. What's the secret?".

OLD MAN: "I forgot her name 10 years ago and I'm scared to ask her"

Jonathon Ross forgot to record the new Star Wars film...

What a wookie mistake

I forgot the gaeilge for weather

Aimsir it'll come back to me

My wife was annoyed that I forgot to get bread at the Indian grocery store

I'm not sure what she's so mad about. I see this as a naan-issue.

I almost forgot what this Friday is (Good Friday).

My mom would be so disappointed... she’d crucify me.

When I was born my parents were so lazy they forgot to give me a name!

So they just called me

Yo momma’s so fat...

She slept on a memory foam mattress and it never forgot.

What do you call Post Malone after he forgot his phone overseas?

Post Ma Phone

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My girlfriend was angry after I forgot to buy tampons.

Apparently telling her to "go with the flow" wasn't a good response

I forgot - what's the name of that two-faced villain, something "dent"?

Never mind, I was able to remember. It is President.

My husband: I forgot how to spell briefly

Me: do you remember how to spell now?

I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from?

Then it dawned on me.

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John, Paul and Frank go to heaven (flagging it NSFW just in case)

When they arrive at the gate, St. Peter checks the list and tells them a bit about heaven: "It's a great place. The fountains are full of the best wine, we have the best food that appears when you think of it. Your housing will be the most beautiful and luxurious villa you couldn't even dream of on ...

I saw 3 men standing at the urinals.

The first man, a Jewish guy, was peeing 4 streams.
"What happened to you?" I asked.

He explained "Accident at my circumcision. The rabbi had Parkinson's."

The next man, a big tough trucker, was peeing 6 streams.
"And what is your problem?" I asked.

He grunted "I had a fig...

I forgot to save my new book, “1000 Ways to Cure an Itch” before my computer died.

Guess I’m starting again from scratch.

In a confession booth...

ME: I committed all seven deadly sins in 30 minutes.

PRIEST: Wow I gotta hear this.

ME: I was angry and envious at my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and I didn't share.

PRIEST: You forgot pride.

ME: No, Im pretty proud of this.

Today I accidentally made my coffee with red bull instead of water.

I got halfway to work before I realised I forgot my car.

A boy asked his father "Why is my sister named Theresa?" "Because your mother loves Easter and Theresa is an anagram." "Thanks dad."

"Your welcome Alan."

Pavlov was sitting in a bar and enjoying his beer during his spare time.

At that moment, bar phone rang loudly and Pavlov started worrying. Barman got curious and asked: "Sir, what's the problem?"
Pavlov stood up and shouted:"God damn it. I forgot to feed the dogs."

A man forgot his dog’s name, so he started yelling random names.

Then it came back to him.

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Forgot the tree this year, so I'm putting up a 6 foot, tinsel covered Tampon.

Just for the festive period.

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory.


After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember thing...

How did Burger King get Dairy Queen Pregnant?

He forgot to wrap his whopper!

I forgot to renew the fee for my Scrabble membership

Now they’re sending me threatening letters!

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I forgot why I decided to jerk off into the fan...

But it's all cumming back to me.

The God of Thunder crossed the skies, astride his faithful filly.

"I'm Thor!" He cried. His horse replied,
"You forgot your thaddle, thilly!"

A man forgot to zip his trousers...

so a lady told him politely...

“Sir your garage is open.”

The man gave her a naughty smile and zipped his trousers and asked..

“Did you see my Range Rover parked inside?”

The lady smiled back and said..

“No, just one small Toyota with two flat tires.”

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Pavlov walks into a hotel.

He rings the bell button on the reception desk and exclaims, "I forgot to feed my dogs".

How do you turn the NICEST thing into a terrible thing?

Switch the n with the i.

The local priest is tired of people telling him they cheated in confession

One Sunday near the end of mass he tells his congregation that he doesn’t like hearing people are cheating. He tells the church from now on refer to cheating as “slipping” in confession.

This goes on all spring and summer and when winter comes around the priest decided to retire. He forgot to...

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A Hindu, a Muslim and a Sikh all die in a car accident.

When they reach the gates of Heaven, God apologises to them for their abrupt deaths and tells them that before deciding whether they will go to Heaven or Hell, God will grant each of them one wish and let them enjoy for a year.

"I have been a devout Hindu and never eaten meat. I would like to...

I forgot how much I hated Nickelback until you blasted their song on the radio...

And this is how you remind me?!!!

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A man walks into a store

A man walks into a store. The cashier sayes "Sir you will need to put a mask on". The man replies"Ouh shoot almost forgot, thanks". The man puts on the mask and pulls out a gun, and yells out "ALRIGHT EVERYONE HAND OVER YOUR WALLETS!"

I asked Vincent van gogh to get me 6 eggs from the store, he came back with three...

Forgot he can only hear half of what I'm saying

Jimmy is in the school yard...

and goes over to his friend Billy and notices he has a brand new smart watch.

Jimmy: How did you get that?

Billy: well last night I walked into my parents room and caught them wrestling and my dad told me if I left and forgot what I saw he’d get me a watch.

Jimmy: Oh wow I’ve h...

Hacker sent me an email that he has hacked into my computer.

I said "prove it" and he sent me the username and password of my email, bank and social media accounts.

I replied "Thank you, that was the easiest Forgot Password process I have ever come across".

A man at work calls his house to check on his wife

A little girl picks up the phone.

"Hi honey, can you put your mom on the phone?"

"I can't, she's upstairs with Uncle Steve.""But you don't have an Uncle Steve."

"Yes I do. He's upstairs with mommy in the bedroom."

Getting angry, the guy keeps his voice cal...

I forgot to tell you that you will die today

A man receives a phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."


The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."
The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then...

When John Kerry was running for Vice President he told Drew and Jim to load his baggage onto his plane until he got back. Then he forgot about them.

The Carey's carry on carrying on Kerry's carry-ons.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a businessman whose wife was REALLY into sex.

He was a hardworking guy but still managed to satisfy his wife's needs.

One time he had to leave for another country for a business meet. He would've been gone for a week.
He knew his wife's sex drive and didn't want to take risks so he thought he should gift her something so she can sat...

Why are women always so angry?

I forgot my girlfriend's birthday once and neither she nor my wife are talking to me now!

I forgot my date’s name...

...who knew fruit could be so difficult?

I forgot how to write concise statements

It's a real pithy

Back in 2006, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully...

Two ducks check into a hotel for their honeymoon. The we’re making out and the male duck said “I forgot to bring any condoms!” So he phones reception to see if they can help out. “Condoms? Of course sir. Should I put them on your bill?”...

“No way! If you did that I’d suffocate!”

3 guys checked into the hotel

Their room was on the 45th floor and administrator 1warned them, that elevator works just till 12pm. They left all bags at the room and went to the restaurant. When they arrived, the elevator was no longer working and they had to walk by foot. so it won't be so boring, they desided to tell some joke...

Chinese takeout: $11.77. Price of gas to get there: $1.90. Making it all the way home and realizing that they forgot one of the containers:

Riceless

Great performance!

There was once a great actor, who had a problem. He could no longer remember his lines. Finally, after many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, ”This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You must walk onto the...

It was a dark and rainy night and the stranger was soaked through to the skin

When he chanced upon a remote monastery. He went up and knocked on the old wooden door. There was nothing but silence from within. So he knocked again, this time a little louder. still, there was nothing but silence from within. So this time he hammered on the door with all his strength. And for the...

Whoops, almost forgot to bring my llamas

Alpaca pair

What did the Italian waiter say to the couple when he forgot their dessert?

"Affogato!"

Self checkout.

Dear Walmart, I'm sorry I "forgot" to scan so many items the last time I went shopping. In my defense... You literally gave me zero training before promoting me to checker!

Jim and Joe are sitting at a bar drinking and jim asks where is John? Joe says John is missing . What happened asks Jim . Well joe says

John forgot his wedding anniversary again. His wife flew into a fit of rage, walked out to the driveway pointed to the ground and said., I want a present that goes from 0 to 200 really fast and I want it here by tomorrow morning.
Fine says Jim but that doesn't explain where John is.
Well cont...

I felt like I forgot something before I left the house, and, gosh darn it...

It was the Alamo.

In every X-Men movie Wolverine looks at his claws like he forgot he had them

and then he gets real mad

I failed my Shakespeare test because I forgot to study and I used the wrong pencil.

I couldn't tell whether it was 2B or not 2B.

A blonde forgot car keys in the car.

A few hours later she was rescued by her husband who got her out of the car.

I went Chopin, but I forgot my Liszt.

Don't worry, I will go Bach later.

I forgot one of my daughter's birthday presents in the closet....

After six weeks, that pony really began to reek....

Take-home final exam

Bill always had a problem with school. He suffered from a fear of tests. When a professor hands out tests, it was almost like his brain shut down. He couldn't remember anything.
One of his professors gave the students a take-home test and told them to bring it back the next week for their final g...

If i had a nickel for every time someone forgot my name

I would be the first billionaire known as “man” or “fella”

What! You forgot your wife's birthday?

"What! You forgot your wife's birthday?"

"Yes, I did."

"What did she say?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?".

"That's right. Nothing. For three weeks."

A college student wanted to sit next to one of his teachers at lunch.

However, the teacher looked at the student with an arrogant face and said:

‘A swan shan’t be friends with a pig.’

‘Then I shall fly on,’ answered the student with a smile.

The teacher was clearly vexed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to...

Grandson Talking to His Grandfather:

"Grandpa, after 65 years of marriage, you still call Grandma 'sweetheart', 'darling' and 'honey'. What's your secret to keeping the flame burning?"

Grandpa: "I forgot her name 5 years ago and I don't dare ask"

My partner forgot to put broccoli in our salad.

I felt broccoli robbed.

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Two CEOs meet after....

One of them has visited Japan. So they are talking about how the trip was and one says:

"look I got this amazing robot secretary from there, it does everything human secretary does except 20 times faster and 200% more efficiently."

The other one says: "that sounds impressive but does ...

Remember me!

My son: Dad, will you remember me in an hour?

Me: Yes.

My son: Dad, will you remember me in a day?

Me: Yes.

My son: Dad, will you remember me in a week?

Me: Yes.

My son: Dad, will you remember me in a year?

Me: Yes.

A while later he asks,
...

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A king summons three of his most loyal subjects to a meeting

The king looks at the first man, who was named Rand.

"Rand, kiss my hand!" he orders.

Rand obeys him and kisses his hand. The king looks at the second subject, who was called Lee.

"Lee, kiss my knee!"

Lee obeys and kisses his king's knee. The king turns in the direction o...

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The Devil’s Deal

There were three guys- a sex addict a weed addict and a alcoholic. They went to hell for their sin and were standing in front of the devil.

The devil made a deal with them saying I will lock you in a room with for a 1000 years with your temptations and if you get over your sins I will send y...

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Blonde

A blonde is walking down the street. One of her breasts popped out of her blouse. Everyone gasped and gasped, and only one policeman found the courage to tell her:
- Citizen, why are you in such a public place !?
She looks at her breast and exclaims:
"Horror!" I forgot my child on the...

My mom told me she hated me today

She forgot to say April Fools

My friend and I had a tuxedo contest

But then we realized we both forgot a crucial clothing piece.

It was a tie.

Hacker: I have all your passwords

Me who forgot them all: Thank God

I forgot I marinated the beef 3 days ago.

I think I put more thyme in it than I should.

"I hate when I walk into a room and forgot why I went in there"

**Patient grabbing my ankle:** EpiPen

I was visiting the country to the north of the US and forgot how to spell its name. So I asked a local and he said

C, eh

N, eh

D, eh

My father and I were leaving our hotel in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.

I said, "Don't forget your Baghdad".

(Hopefully it isn't a repost)

I think my dad forgot my name

He keeps calling me adopted

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It’s Saturday morning. Bob’s just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon.

So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and calls home.
“Hello?” says a little girl’s voice.
“Hi, honey, it’s Daddy,” says Bob. “Is mommy near the phone?”
“No, Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank.”

After a brief pause, Bob says, “But you haven’t got an Uncle Frank, honey...

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My penis fell off and I forgot how to attach it.

But then I remembered.

My wife forgot to flush the other day

I‘m not taking „That won‘t fit“ as an answer anymore.

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They told me i couldn't eat the food i forgot in my basement 50 years ago

Little did they know i can

I forgot how to walk

I got waltzheimers.

I was bragging that I knew the hex code for every color, but then I forgot the one for blue

Yea, that was a big 0000FF

The Devils goes to Church

The devil went to church one day and upon seeing his red skin, big horns and cloven feet, all of the people ran from the building in terror. All except for one old man near the front. He didn't even budge. The devil was intrigued by the man's apparent disinterest in his hideous appearance. So he str...

Grocery Shopping

I wrote down some stuff I needed at the grocery store. When I got there, I realized I forgot the note at home. I wandered around the store feeling listless the whole time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nine medical tests you can do yourself.

Wander into the back garden and piss on your neighbor’s fence (again).

If it dries quickly, you have high sodium (salt) levels and pending heart problems.

If it attracts ants your sugar level is too high and you might be diabetic.

If your piss is dark and of limited quantity, yo...

This is a Mean joke.

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The e...

Forgot my pot in my pants and put it through the dryer

Now I have some tumbleweed

Dr calls man & demands he come into the office immediately.

Dr says you remember those tests we ran a couple of days ago? The man say yes. Dr says well I have some bad news and I have some really bad news. The man say well let me have the bad news first. The Dr says you only have 3 days to live & you need to get your affairs in order. The man says, wow...

I forgot to do the dishes again, and as punishment my wife read me the collected works of Kafka

I never did hear the end of it

If you smoke pot and forgot what day today is, don’t worry. You can celebrate again on the 25th of May.

Because 4/20 = 5/25

I forgot the Netflix password.

Who here remembers it?

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