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Anymore Jokes

It's a shame nothing is built in the USA anymore....

Just bought a T.V. and it said, "Built in Antenna".

I don't even know where that is!!

nobody seems to upvote a cake joke on cakeday anymore

Feeling desserted

What’s purple and doesn’t fit anymore?

A dead epileptic

Does no one say YOLO anymore?

Or are they all dead?

What's it called when a chameleon can't change its colors anymore?

A reptile dysfunction.

I’m glad # is not called pound anymore.

Otherwise, the #metoo movement would be sending the wrong message.

A woman wanted to know how her husband would react if she left him. She wrote him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. She put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.

When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a numb...

Monopoly is fun but it has some really old stuff that isn’t valid anymore.

There’s free parking, a luxury tax and rich people can actually go to jail.

My friend can't afford to pay his water bill anymore...

...so I sent him a card, "Get well soon."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer has dozens of cows and two bulls, but both bulls are too old to mate anymore.

One day the famer brings a third bull into the field. The new bull is much younger than the other two, and immediately starts mating with cow after cow.

When the old bulls see this, one of them starts huffing, snorting, and scraping the ground with his hoof.

"Don't bother competing wit...

I told my wife, "I feel bad for saying this but you are getting loose and it doesn't feel as good anymore"

She replied, "don't feel bad, it's not your fault!"

Why can’t the Uk and the USA play chess anymore?

Because one lost its queen and the other lost its two towers

As an American, it makes me so sad to see that nothing is made in the USA anymore.

I just bought this new TV and it says “Built-in Antenna.” I don’t even know where that is.

My wife asked me, “Hey, can you give examples of jobs that don’t exist anymore?”

I said, “Steve.”

I can't see an end. I have no control and I don't think there's any escape. I don't even have a home anymore.

I think it's time for a new keyboard.

I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him..

Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As of today, I'm finally not a 25 year old virgin anymore.

I'm a 26 year old one.

Why don't you see brown envelopes in the mail anymore?

Because everyone knows white mails get through the system faster.

Jobs that don't exist anymore;

1. Steve

I asked my kid for a phone book. They rolled their eyes and said "OK boomer, we don't use those anymore" and handed me their phone.

Now their phone is smashed and they are furious, but I got that spider!

NO ONE BELIEVES SENIORS ANYMORE!!

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It...

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Does it hurt anymore?

A woman playing Golf hit a man nearby. He put his hands together between his legs. Fell on the ground & rolled around in pain. She rushed to him & offered to relieve his pain as she was a Doctor.
Reluctantly he agreed.
She gently took his hands away. Unzipped his pants & put her ha...

I don't think I'm strong enough anymore for my job as a personal trainer

So I guess I'll hand in my too weak notice

My girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying, "It's not working. I can't take it anymore. I am going to my mothers."

I opened the fridge. The light came on, the beer was cold.

What the hell is she talking about?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore....

My friend was wearing one and got shot by the woman's husband.

A guy wants a divorce. He tells the judge "I cant take it anymore she's out going from bar to bar every night way past midnight"

The judge responds "what's she doing"

The guy says "looking for me"

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I can't go back to the mid-west and gamble anymore.

Iowa lotta people out there.

Sally can't sell seashells down by the seashore anymore...

She was busted for conch-traband.

Where do you put toxic celebrities that just can't cut it anymore?

Haz-bins.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man with severe headache couldn’t take it anymore..

He went to the doctor and after examining him, the doctor said that your balls are too big for your size and take extra oxygen. The only solution is to cut them.

The man hesitated but agreed at the end. After waking up from the surgery and feeling good for the first time, he decided he will...

Me: I don’t think we should see each other anymore.

Her: Please stop saying that every time you switch off the lights at night.

I don’t believe in reincarnation anymore

But I used to in a past life

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So John can't take it anymore, so abandons society and makes to the hills.

He's happy as months go by. One day, a large, gruff looking Hill-Billy type man knocks on his door. "The name is Lars" he said. "I'm having a party tonight... wanna come?"

John: "well... I've been alone for months now, I like it but I do get lonely... Sure, I'll come"

Lars: nod. "Just ...

Mom: Why don't you talk to John anymore, you used to be best friends?

Son: Well, would you be friends with someone who was stupid, took drugs and was drunk all the time?

Mom: No, Never!

Son: Well neither would he!

In 2023 we're not calling them Halloween costumes anymore...

It's *occultural appropriation*

I'm never hungry anymore after all my friends left

Probably because they desserted me

Thank God we don't need to hunt for food anymore

I mean, I have no idea where pizzas live in the wild

Today I decided I won't smoke anymore

I won't smoke any less either though.

I can see why Paul Walker jokes aren't funny anymore.

Poor guy can't catch a "brake".









(P.S. Happy Birthday Paul Walker. I wish u were still here)

I don't see my wife & kids anymore. It's all due to gambling.

I won the lottery and I moved to Hawai'i

I don’t get nostalgic for things anymore.

I miss those days.

TIL: If you sit on your hand until you can't feel it anymore

and log in to your online banking system. It feels like someone else is paying your bills.

Why don’t American schools give Fs on report cards anymore?

Because they’ve already paid enough respects to their students.

I don't like going to the barber's shop anymore!

He is always looking down on me.

I'm pretty sure my F5 key isn't working anymore

I keep seeing the same jokes on here

How come you never read about Will Smith anymore?

Because paper covers Rock.

I told my tailor I wouldn't be needing his services anymore

He said "Fine, suit yourself"

What do you call it when a rattlesnake can't make the rattle noises anymore?

reptile-dysfunction

I've decided to not drink anymore

Mind you, I'm not going to drink any less, either.

The World Health Organization has declared that dogs cannot transmit Coronavirus, and there is no reason to quarantine dogs anymore.

W.H.O. let the dogs out.

I'm not going to eat Thanksgiving leftovers anymore.

This year, I'm quitting cold turkey.

Why doesn’t Jesus play hockey anymore?

He kept getting nailed to the boards.

Titanic jokes aren't funny anymore. They're so old and outdated.

That ship has sailed a long time ago.

Even when your Roomba doesn't work anymore

it still collects dust.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Anytime someone goes into the stall next to me in a public bathroom, I just can’t go anymore.

I’m scared shitless.

Teacher : Why can’t Trump go to the white house anymore?

Student: Because it is FOR BIDEN

So, my girlfriend won't let me wear my mood ring anymore...

...I'm not really sure how I feel about it

I dont really like watching f1 racing anymore

because I find f5 to be more refreshing.

I hate that you cant say "black paint" anymore

You have to say
"George can you please paint the wall?"

Do we even need Halloween anymore?

I’ve been wearing a mask and eating candy for 14 months...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why I don’t play golf with Patrick anymore.

My wife asked me why I don’t play golf with Patrick anymore.

So I asked her, “Would you continue to play with a guy who always gets drunk, loses so many balls other groups are always playing through, tells lousy jokes while you are trying to putt, and generally offends everyone around him on...

My sister won’t let me hold her baby anymore...

Last time I held my sister’s baby, I dropped it. It wasn’t even a big deal, but she started freaking out. It was an accident! Just an accident, no big deal. What happened was, after I was holding the baby and I inevitably dropped it, we start arguing and she’s overreacting big time. She called the c...

Wife: i can’t take it anymore. You have to choose if it’s either me or the alcohol. Which is it?

Husband: it’s you, I can tell by the voice

I'm cannot stand to live with my flatmate anymore

She doesnt clean the flat, she doesn't cook and she basically just uses me for free rides.

I'm want to move so badly but my boyfriend says "we can't abandon our daughter."

Why do depressed people give the best head?

Because they don’t care about breathing anymore.

I don't have confidence or trust in elevators anymore

They always seem like they're up to something, but they also let me down quite often.

Why was no one able to go to the dock anymore

It collapsed because of Pier pressure

“Nothing looks good on me anymore,” complained a customer modeling an outfit in front of the department store’s mirror…

“Nonsense, ma’am,” said the salesclerk trying to reassure her.

“That dress says it all.”

“That’s the problem,” the woman replied.

“I need a dress that keeps its mouth shut.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife and I got into a fight a month ago and since then she doesn't talk with me anymore.

We have sex every day but I need to do all the work because she doesn't move either.

You don’t hear much about nip slips anymore.

They’re falling out of fashion.

It's not POTUS anymore

It's IMPOTUS.

I don’t find fat jokes funny anymore...

... I have outgrown them

I don't go to nostalgia conventions anymore.

They're not what they used to be.

It's not Coronavirus anymore...

It's now Boomer Remover

My wife told me I'm not allowed to impersonate a flamingo anymore...

I had to put my foot down

I can't put anymore toppings on my pizza...

There's not mushroom

I don't watch the news anymore

I just lie to my self and cut out the middle man.

I just can't take this long distance relationship anymore...

I'm moving the fridge to my room.

My wife and I decided decided to not have kids anymore.

We've been fighting for days about who has to tell them.

Why don't we use swords anymore?

Aren't they still cutting edge technology?

My wife was frustrated “ this vacuum just doesn’t suck anymore” she said

“What happened? Did it get married?”

Doctor: Your dad’s not with us anymore

Me: Damn, what happened?

Doctor: He’s at a different hospital

Me: Oh, whew

Doctor: Dead tho

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Let me tell you a story about why I don’t take hitchhikers anymore

So one time I’m driving down a country road with a friend. A hitchhiker signals us to stop, asks where we are headed and we agree to give him a ride.

Now the guy has a huge bag. I’m talking about the same size as a person kind of bag, we had trouble fitting it in the back. But at this point ...

You don't see people planking anymore,

but I hear they still do it at boarding school.

I can't watch that show naked and afraid anymore.

Reminds me of being at my uncle's house

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’ve gotten so bad at sex I don’t even masturbate anymore.

Its more like novicebating, on a good day its probation

Who buys dates anymore?

They're so outdated.

I don't hear people talk about beyblade anymore..

Guess they've just let it r.i.p.

The Pillsbury Doughboy doesn't date anymore

He's been burned too many times

Have you noticed how you rarely see Delorian's on the road anymore?

Apparently their owners only drive them from Time to Time.

Why don’t people dig holes underground anymore?

It’s boring

"Mom, I don't like my brother anymore"

"Shut up and keep eating what I put on the table"

When is a car not a car anymore?

When it turns into a driveway.

Robber: I can't run anymore

Cop: looks like you need *arrest*

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