This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bloke goes into a British pub on a hot summer’s day and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says....

..."You dirty pig!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."

The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread your arse cheeks and lick all that sweat."

She says, ...

A man wanted to literally die with his $$$, so he trusted a third of his money to a Priest, a third to a Doctor, and a third to his Lawyer to bury him with it when he died.

After his death, at the man’s funeral the priest whispered to his dead body and placed a bag in his coffin. The doctor then proceeded to whisper to the body and placed a bag in there as well. Then the lawyer went and dropped off a bag and moved on.

As they were carpooling back from the funer...

If you bury 10 vegans....

Would you get mass grave or compost?

Three rich guys bury a friend.

First guy throws a $1000 bucks into the coffin, saying "I want you to never need anything in the next life".
Second one, richer than the first, throws $5000 behind it.
All of them look to the third who is even richer than the other two. He writes a check for over 100 grand, throws it in the co...

Where will they bury Superman?

Crypt O' night

Two men and a woman are stranded on an island after a plane crash...

... Resourceful, they waste no time, build a house, find food and water, and globally have it good. After one month, the woman goes to the two men and says:


"Okay guys, let's be frank. I have my needs, you have your needs, let's do it. We'll take turns, one day it's you", she says to th...

My sisters and I met yesterday to discuss whether or not to bury or cremate our mother..

We couldn’t come to a decision between the two so we are letting her live for now.

Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt?

Because deep down they’re really good people

I saw a squirrel bury a nut in my backyard today.

I'm going to swap it for a grilled cheese sandwich and blow his mind.

You’re so ugly that when you were born….

Your mother said “what a little treasure.”

Your father replied “yeah let’s bury it.”

A lawyer died and was so big they almost had to bury him in a piano case.

Instead they gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.

A man is driving down an old dirt road

As he is driving he notices there are very few houses nearby, as he is enjoying the scenery he runs his car over into the ditch. As it had recently rained the ditch was slick and muddy and he had found himself stuck. He realizes his predicament so he starts walking. He walks up to a house and see's ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Little girl was digging a hole in her back yard.

When her neighbour said, hello Daisy what you digging a hole for?

Daisy replied, I am burying my goldfish, neighbour said, that is a very big hole for a goldfish why so big? Daisy replied.

Because it's inside your fucking cat.

If a rich man dies from a drug overdose, the headline should read "Pills bury dough boy"

Credit to my friend Chris

Why did the skateboarder bury his head in dirt?

Face plant

If you bury a person in the wrong plot of land, and the only thing you can give their family as compensation are the hand shovels you used...

you've made a grave mistake, and are paying for it in spades

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, “Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?”

“Are you nuts?!” – she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

“Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?” – he asks again.

“Listen you; I’m not that kind of woman! Got it?” So the guy runs around the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The man’s wife left him

Upset, he went for a drive and suddenly ran over a cop and crushed him to death.
Not knowing what else to do, he threw the cop in the trunk and drove to the cemetery.
When he got there, he came across a drunken watchman.
"Listen, if you bury this body with no questions asked, I'l...

People who live near cemeteries typically don't get buried there

You don't tend to bury alive people

Lying Politicians

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road, and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what had happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole to bury the politicians.A few days la...

We didnt know if we wanted to cremate or bury my grandmother

So we let her live

I just helped my neighbor bury a rolled up carpet in the woods.

Her boyfriend would've helped, but he's out of town.

There was an old lady who was very small

Her name was Reanne but everyone called her Re. After a while Re died of old age and the whole town was dismayed.

Re was so small that her family didn't bury her and instead later her to rest in a flower.

When the town folks came by to pay their respects they were surprised that inste...

When the time comes, I want to bury my parents when they die.

So I can let them down for one last time.

Archibald Strange was an honest lawyer (no, that isn't the joke)

He was getting old, so he went to the undertaker to plan what his grave would be.

"I want it to say 'Here lies Archibald Strange, a lawyer and an honest man,'" he said.

"I can't do that," replied the undertaker, "People would think I was burying multiple people in the same grave. I'll ...

my nagging wife died suddenly on a trip in Jeruselum

Funeral director: "Sir, it would cost about $45,000 if we send her home back to the states or $500 if we bury her here in Jerusalem"

Me: "ship her home"

Funeral director: "But sir, why don't you bury her here in the Holy Land and you can save money"

Me: "A long time ago a man wa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A manager dies

His wife asks the funeral director in a bitchy tone that her husband will be buried in a blue suit and not the grey one he is currently wearing.

At the day of the funeral her husband wears a blue suit so she thanks the funeral director who replies “oh it was easy. After you talked to me anot...

He Asked His Wife To Bury Him With ALL His Money, So This Is What She Did

There was a man who had worked all of his life and has saved all of his money.

He was a real cheapskate when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife:

"Now listen, when I die I want you to take all my money and pla...

Why can't you bury a man living east of the Mississippi in a graveyard west of the Mississippi?

He's still alive.




(Learned from my 6th grade math teacher Mr. Warren)

Do you think they can bury two people in the same grave?...

I've just been wondering ever since I saw a headstone that said, "here lies a lawyer and an honest man".

A plane crashes in the pacific ocean. The only survivors are five men and a gorgeous woman

After a few days they end up on a desert island. After several failed attempts to get in contact with the outside world, they give up and come to terms with the fact that they have to spend the rest of their lives on this island.

They quickly acquire the necessary skills to build houses and l...

A man asks that he be buried with a suitcase of gold

An old man asks his family that, when he dies, they take all his savings, convert them into gold bars, put them into a suitcase, and bury the suitcase with him.

The family obliges and, upon his death, buries the suitcase with him.

The man arrives at the gates of heaven with his suitcas...

Where do you bury people with OCD

A symmetry

A vain narcissist had his face disfigured in a horrible accident

A frenemy visited him in the hospital. “I’m sorry to inform you,” he said with glee, “but you’ve simply become the ugliest man I’ve ever seen. Maybe the ugliest in the entire world.”

The narcissist started crying, burying his face in his hands.

His frenemy, barely suppressing his satis...

After a fire, the corpse of a man is found in a burned-out warehouse. The investigation found that he first set a fire, ate an excessive amount of salt, then used a contraption to bury himself in tons more.

The investigators concluded that his self-preservation instinct must have kicked in.

As a parent I never want to have to bury my children

So I had them both cremated

A man and his wife are traveling to Jerusalem for vacation. After getting there, his wife suffers a heart attack and dies. Officials in Jerusalem say it will cost $30,000 to send her back to the US to be buried, or only $500 if they bury her there. The man thinks about it and returns the next day...

He says to the officials, “Okay, although expensive, I’ll pay the $30,000 to bring her home. I heard that you buried a man here once and he rose from the dead 3 days later and I just can’t take any chances.”

We have to bury my dog today.

Mom: Don't be sad. All dogs go to heaven.
Me: Thanks mom. Where does updog go?
Mom: What's up dog?
Me: Not much dog. Just looking for a shovel.

A plane crashes on the border of Canada and the U.S. Where do they bury the survivors?

Doesn't matter as long as they aren't caught

An old farmer calls into the town sheriff to report an auto accident he happened upon out on a county road near his farm.

By the time the sheriff makes it out to the farmer's property he sees the car in the ditch, but no one else but the farmer climbing down off his backhoe.

"What happened to the occupant or occupants of the car."

"Oh them? I buried 'em. All 4 of them."

"Doesn't look like much dama...

A government plane crashes between united states and mexico, where do you bury the survivors?

What plane?

One woman and four men had a plane accident and they landed on a deserted island

They all manage to survive and build their shelter. But slowly having four men for one woman becomes a problem. The men decide to solve the problem by not fighting but talkind and they decide that the woman should spend a week with each of them one by one. So they went to the woman and told the plan...

MY friend wanted to be buried with all of his cash.

A millionaire friend of mine found out that he had cancer. Being unmarried and with no children, he wanted to make sure none of his extended family got any of his money so we came up with a plan.

He would leave all of his money to me with the express instructions that I was to bury him with ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.