My wife says we should split up because I keep pretending I'm a detective

I said good idea, we can cover more ground that way

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

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I once had to pretend that i was taking a shit, so I dropped a bottle of soap in the toilet

It was a shampoo.

(Work in progress)What do you call a bunch of ravens pretending to be crows?

A conspiracy to commit murder!

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A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink. [NSFW]

A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink.

The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees ...

If Queen Elizabeth farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened

Noble gases should have no reaction

A woman wants to know if her 3 future sons-in-law will be thrustworthy... ... So she decides to take them one by one on a walk and pretend to slip and fall into the water to see what they will do. And so it goes.

On the first walk, she pretends to slip and falls into the water. The first son-in-law takes of his shoes & coat and jumps in the water. The next day there is new family sedan parked in front of the house. There is a letter for the son-in-law which says:

_Thank you for saving me, here is ...

Pretend you're in a jungle, what do you do if a tiger is chasing you and catching up to you?

Stop pretending.

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You know that thing in middle school we all used to do, where you got a mechanical pencil and pressed into your arm to pretend it’s a needle...

Well I fucked a dead moose

When Arnold Schwarzenegger was a little boy back in Austria, he and his friends had a game where they would pretend to be famous composers ...

Georg would say "I'll be Handel!”

Franz would say "I'll be Schubert!”

Arnold would say "I'll be Bach!"

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A woman who is constantly embarrassed by her husband falling asleep in church goes to the priest to ask for help.

The priest says, "Look love, if he falls asleep again, poke him with this hat pin. I'll nod to you as a signal to poke him.". The woman agrees to the plan.

So Sunday rolls around and sure enough, good old Mr. Jones nods off again. The priest notices and asks, "Who is our savior?" then nods to...

Vaginas are like gyms.

I'm rarely inside one, but when I am I just sort of pretend to know what I'm doing and hope no one notices I don't.

What is it called when a person pretends to use the toilet.

A sham poo.

This is a good joke to play on others. Pretend you're trying to solve a crossword puzzle- and say aloud "Postman -blank-. Any ideas?"

They'll likely say something like "Postman Pat" to which you reply- "no that doesn't fit.".

Then- if they're not completely thick- they should ask "How many letters?" and you tell 'em "A SACKFUL!"

Then they'll leave in disgust.

So the other day I was arrested for pretending I was an American politician!

I was just sitting there doing nothing

I was doing a pretend job interview with my 6 year old daughter and I asked her, “where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

She said: “in a mirror”



This really happened and I still laugh every time I think about it.

People need to stop pretending Die Hard is a Christmas movie.

It's a Christmas Eve movie.

What do you call a noodle pretending to be someone else

An impasta

It's that time of the year when many Americans go around in public pretending to be something they're not, with many choosing to appear as monsters and ghouls. But enough about the elections, it's also Halloween.

But enough about the elections, it's also Halloween.

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A man and woman, both married separately, had to share a room one night on a business trip.

They feel weird at first, but they both fall asleep in their separate beds.

After a few hours of sleeping, the man wakes the woman up and asks her, "Could you grab me another blanket from the closet? I'm really cold."

The woman responds, "Or we could just pretend to be married for the ...

A comedian pretends to enter a marathon...

It's a running joke.

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A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable.

However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they can't afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can a...

If you encounter a polar bear in the wild, lie down and pretend that you're dead.

It's good practice for when you'll be really dead, five minutes later.

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Did you hear about the guy with a scat fetish but pretended it was funny?

He was all for shits and no giggles.

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Jane is on her honeymoon with Tarzan.

He lays stiff in bed awkwardly staring at the roof of the treehouse. "Have you ever had sex?" She asks, he stands up and points out the window, "when Tarzan horny, Tarzan poke hole in tree."

She walks over to him and says "Just do the same, pretend i'm the tree." He nods, and swiftly kicks he...

Little Johnny in Religion Class

The teacher in religion class asks, "What part of your body do you think arrives in heaven first?"

Little Johnny shoots his hand in the air. A chill runs through the teacher and she pretends not to see him. "Mary, you had your hand up first. What do you think?"

Mary straightens up in h...

My girlfriend told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo..

..it was at that moment I knew I needed to put my foot down.

The Oblivious Miner

A miner moves out to Colorado. Having spent a few years in California, he has a pretty good idea of the sort of lifestyle miner's live; up from dusk 'til dawn in the mines, and then from dawn 'til dusk drinking, playing card games and occasionally have some great night with them lady(or ladies).
...

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Had to shit

Just over halfway through the flight, all the coffee in my stomach feels like it's percolating its way down into my lower intestine. I hunker down and try and focus on other things. What feels like an hour, but probably isn't more than twenty minutes, passes. We then enter what turns out to be prett...

You hear about that lady who pretends to be a hooker?

They call her a hoax

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One day I'll pretend to be gay. I'll make lots of female friends, gain their trust. Become their confidant, and when they least expected...BAAM!!!

I'll fuck their boyfriends

I got so fed up with the trick-or-treaters last Halloween that I turned off the lights and pretended I wasn't home.

My lighthouse, my rules.

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A hippie enters a bus

(long)
A hippie enters a bus and sees a beautiful nun sitting. He sits next to her and says
- I would like to have sex with you
She shouts at him that she is a servant of God and she could not do that and runs out from the bus.
The bus driver who hear the conversation says to the hippie<...

My brother thought it would be funny to pretend to swallow a bullet, but it got stuck in his windpipe.

He was just choking a round.

A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a "Sugar Daddy".

He's an artificial sweetner.

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My mate and I were walking along when we noticed a gang of bat carrying youths in our way. He said "Quick! Pretend we're the police."

I sang 'Every breath you take' But we still got the shit kicked out of us.

If duct taping a Matchbox Trans Am to one's ear and pretending it's a Bluetooth device is wrong, then maybe—

hang on... I've gotta take this.

You should NEVER pretend to be something you’re not.

Except for sober. Sometimes you gotta pretend to be sober.

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There was a rude monkey who always made fun of the a lion.

So there lion always ignored him and pretended the monkey didn't exist. Anyhow one time the monkey came and barraged the lion with insults, while a lioness was watching.

As usual the lion ignored, even though the monkey was on the ground, not even trying to hide.

Angry at the lion, th...

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The four tiers of courage

FIRST TIER OF COURAGE: You come home drunk at 3AM. Your wife is standing by the door with a broom and you ask her: "You cleaning or flying off to somewhere?"
SECOND TIER OF COURAGE: You come home drunk at 3AM. Your wife is in bed, but she is not asleep.
You bring a chair to the bed and ...

Let's Pretend

At one night, a priest and a nun decided to get out of the convent together. They were looking for somewhere to pass the night, until they found a little hut, which only had a double bed and a wardrobe with some blankets. The priest asked the nun:

\- Should we sleep here?

\- Yes - the ...

I was out on the street, minding my own business...

when this guy Norman came up to me out of nowhere. I know his name because he immediately introduced himself without bothering to see if I was interested. I did not respond, yet he continued on, trying to strike up a conversation with me. I had things to do, so I pretended not to notice him.

...

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Henry Heimlich, the creator of the Heimlich maneuver, was having a horrible birthday.

Since he was a very important person, many famous people came to his birthday party. Henry was upset because people kept pretending they were choking to see what he would do. The Queen ate some birthday cake, grabbed her throat, and bent over. Heimlich ignored her, and she confessed that she was fak...

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Al, Ben, Carl, and Dan meet at a bar every Saturday.

Dan is exceptionally optimistic. Every time one of the other three mentions something bad, Dan simply responds, "Could be worse!" This really drives them up a wall.

One Friday when Al returns home from a business trip, he, Ben, and Carl hatch a plan.

The next day Carl goes to the bar a...

A lion is drinking from a puddle and his tail is up.

A gorilla walks up behind him, seizes the opportunity and has his way with him.

The gorilla takes off and the lion takes off after him. The gorilla runs into a hunter's camp, jumps into a tent, puts on a safari outfit and a pith helmet, grabs a copy of The Johannesburg Times, sits down and pr...

Everyone knows of Cassandra, the Greek woman cursed to see the future but to never be believed. I would like to propose a new figure as her opposite: a man who pretends to know to future and have everyone believe him.

Or as I call him, Trump.

Light bulb

Paddy and John are working on a building site. Paddy says to John, “I need a day off, I’m going to pretend I’ve gone mad!”

Paddy climbs up to the rafters, hangs upside down from them and shouts, “I’m a light bulb! I’m a light bulb!” While John looks on in amazement.
The foreman shouts, “Pa...

My crush asked my help to impress a boy. So I told her we should pretend to date to make him jealous.

We've now been married for 10 years and have a kid and she hasn't made any progress with that guy. Maybe I should stop beating him up every time he tries to meet her?

Nah. Need to stay in character.

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I'm gonna be turning my lights off this Halloween and pretending I'm not in.

Fuck the ships. My lighthouse, my rules

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Are you hungry, statue?

While in bed with her lover, the woman suddenly heard her husband at the front door. “Quick,” she whispered. “Sprinkle this flour over you and pretend that you’re a statue.”
“Hi, honey. What’s this?” Her husband asked as he entered the bedroom.
“It’s our new statue,” she explained. “The Smiths...

A man took his son on a hunting trip.

One day, a man took his son on a hunting trip to Silver Mountain for his sixteenth birthday like his father took him and like his grandfather took his father. As they arrived though, they saw signs everywhere that said "Private property. No hunting."

The dad was upset since it was the end of ...

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Can we all please stop pretending Nazi jokes are funny?

They are Hitlerious.

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A woman was in bed with her husband.

Every night, the husband farts in his sleep. His farts were so loud and disgusting that, most nights, she couldn't sleep at night.

One day, she tries to tell him "honey, please stop farting in bed. It's hard to sleep when just as I'm about to get some rest I hear this sudden *POOMPH* from yo...

My girlfriend said shes leaving me because I keep pretending to be a transformer.

No, wait, I can change!

My girl likes to pretend she's 13 when we're in bed together

Which i told her is pointless & weird, because she'll be 13 next year.

My relationship status:

I just tried to reach for my dog's paw and he pulled it away, so I pretended I was reaching for the remote.

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Wife: Stop pretending your life is a youtube video!! It's ruining our marriage!

Me: Do you guys think it's ruining our marriage? Let me know in the comments below!

In my spare time I like to pretend I’m a giant

I fee fi for fun

My wife says adults shouldn't pretend the lawn is lava,

but I'm on the fence.

Yoda use to have the younglings put on white face paint and pretend to walk against the wind, be trapped in invisible boxes, you know...

Jedi mime tricks.

Two guys wanna go bar hopping, but they are broke.

So they try to think of a plan.

One guy thought of something: "Hey I got an idea. I have a pack of hot dogs here. Why don't I bring them to every bar we go to. We run up our tab, and when we're ready to leave, I'll put a hot dog in my pants and you pretend you're blowing me. People freak out ...

Giles was late for shooting practice so the Sergeant made him pretend he was holding a pistol and make "Pew pew" sounds.

Giles didn't want to make a fuss so he makes his hands into a pistol and starts saying "pew pew" while aiming.

But the idiot Giles was almost always late. So a lot of "pew pewing" was going on when he was practicing.

After 4 months, there's been an invasion and a full-blown war has s...

If I was a Medium I'd pretend to channel Marshall McLuhan..

then just sit there silently with a smug look on my face.

I hate people who pretend they're cultured when they talk about Mozart.

I bet they haven't seen any of his paintings.

What do you call it when Snoop Dogg pretends it's raining?

Faux drizzle

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A nurse in a mental institution goes to check on Charlie, one of the inmates and finds him sitting up in bed, pretending to drive a car. She asks, "Are you okay Charlie?" Charlie replies, "I can't talk right now! I'm busy driving to London for a meeting!"

So the nurse closes the door and goes to check on Bob in the next room.

She finds Bob sitting up in his bed, wanking furiously.

"Bob, what are you doing?!" asks the nurse.

Bob grunts, "I'm fucking Charlie's wife! He's gone to London for a meeting!"

"I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am.

The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the ...

Teacher's pet

A boy was once given the task of babysitting his teacher's pet dog for a day. He was careless and the dog ran out the door when he wasn't looking. He tried searching all over town but he couldn't find the dog anywhere. He then thought of a plan. His teacher was old and losing the sharpness of most o...

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What is the name of a mime that pretends to have sex?

Elisocray.

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Everytime we have sex my girlfriend wants to pretend to be a teenager.

I tell her, "Be patient. You'll be one soon enough."

I’ve spent the past few days pretending to be a Shetland pony, but I think I’m losing my voice.

I’m currently a little horse.

Word has it Matt Damon will reprise his role as a CIA assassin, but this time he'll pretend to be a physicist specializing in scattering theory.

Title: "The Bourne Approximation"

I get so lonely on the weekends....

that I log into all my online accounts so my phone text tone goes off with authentication codes that I can pretend are my friends texting me.

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I think every guy has tucked their genitalia between their legs to pretend they have a vagina.

But I didn't know my girlfriend had been doing it for the past 3 years.

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Pretend Marriage

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the up...

My girlfriend got angry that I always pretended to be using walky talkies...

"it really annoys me" she said "this relationship is over"

"this relation ship is what? Over" I said. She hasn't spoke to me since.

Someone pretending to be a painter told a very convincing story and stole your Mexican food. What happened?

You’ve been hit by a chili-con-artist

I just found out a coworker was just pretending to be my friend.

He was a placebro.

Roy Moore is in bed with a girl, and says "pretend you're 14". She found that really weird...

Her birthday was in 4 months anyway.

How do you milk a sheep?

Pretend you didn't lose an election and ask for donations.

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My mate picks up women by pretending to be gay

He says it lures them into a false sense of security and when their guard drops he sleeps with them.

I thought that it couldn't reallly hurt my chances just to try.

3 years later, Mark and I now own a house together, 2 turtles, 3 fish and we are scheduled to be married next week. Sti...

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I paid a prostitute to pretend to be my wife for twenty minutes.

She argued with me for ten minutes and then I left her for a pack of cigs.

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My wife likes to dress up for role play. The other night she pretended to fly across the room, then jumped on top of me and shouted “Super Pussy!”

“I’ll have the soup”, I replied.

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My friend told me to try out a gloryhole, since you can pretend it's a woman on the other side

I've sucked 5 dicks so far and I still have no idea how this is supposed to work

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. - Mitch Hedberg

Best joke that's ever been told.

If muslims want to get into the US, they can just pretend they're Christians.

You know, just like Republicans.

A prisoner slipped on the stairs 5 years into his 14 year sentence.

He suffered some minor injuries but he decided to pretend to be in a coma for rest of his sentence.

When he finally decided to drop the act on the last day of his sentence, the warden arrested him again, because you aren't supposed to end a sentence with a coma.

A Kentucky farmer visits his farmer cousin in Ireland. The Irish farmer lives alone and the Kentucky Farmer asks how he avoids loneliness. Irish farmer says "The Sheep." "I could never!" replies the Kentucky Farmer. "Sure you could." The Irish farmer retorts...

"...Just pretend it's a chicken."

What did Mufasa say to Simba when he pretended to be a tiger?

Grrr, I know you lion.

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A man wins the lottery

He goes to the bank to open a bank account so he can keep his money safe. He sees this lovely cashier lady, approaches her and says: "I fucking want to open a shitty account in this lame ass bank."

Cashier lady resents that and pretends that she didn't understand what he was saying and asks h...

As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed

At one point, she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy’s gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my...

When I was a kid I pretended I was doing surgery on a stuffed animal inside a blanket fort

I guess you could say they were undercover operations

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