My friend and I frequently give conjugal visits to an all-female prison, to remind the inmates what it's like for a selfless guy to go down on them.

It just gives us some scents of perp puss.

My crush: You know, you remind me alot of my brother.

[Pulling out]

Me: Excuse me, what?

The Spice Girls want to remind you to set your clocks back an hour tonight.

Because tonight is the night, when two becomes one.

I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet because it's a sobering reminder of why...

...there's never any money in there.

Me: My friend reminds me of Gandhi.

My wife: He looks nothing like Gandhi!

My friend, tapping me on the shoulder: Don’t forget about Gandhi.

I always remind my teenagers to shave their pubes

The last time we had a bush, 9/11 happened

All day I felt like I forgot something very important, then Don Cherry reminded me..

I need to start looking for a job.

[Serious] Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.

A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.

I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with.
<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Even after 20 years of marriage, my husband still reminds me how juicy my ass looked on our very first date...

Which really pisses me off, since he was the one who suggested Indian food.

My nerf gun bullet reminds me of my father

Both disappeared after I've played with them

My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..

..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I over heard some sexist guy claim, “Women are the weaker sex.” So, I kindly reminded him

that technically all women are Body Builders.

My grandma got her foot amputated because of diabetes. Seeing her like this reminds me that no one can escape old age.

especially if you have one leg.

My dad reminds me of George Clooney.

Because they both don't know I exist.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors. There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. ...

A billionaire is leaving his doctor's office when he gets stopped and reminded to pay

"Doctor," he says, I've decided not to pay you for your services. Instead, I'm writing you into my will. Will that suffice?"

"Of course," replies the doctor. "But can you please give me back that prescription? I need to make a small change."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A college teacher reminds her class of the next day’s final exam.

“Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!”

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and ask...

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3 Cowboys NSFW

Three cowboys sat around a campfire, all exchanging tall tales about how tough they all were.

The first cowboy says “I’m the toughest of the bunch. I was out in the tall grass, looking for a good spot to take a piss. All the sudden this snake appears. And you can see in its eyes, it’s out fo...

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross...

“Something for this I have.” Yoda says. He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, th...

You remind me of Dracula.

You suck.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A train hits a bus full of Catholic highschool girls

They all arrive at the pearly gates, waiting in line to enter heaven.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Mary, have you ever had any contact with a penis?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "Well, dip the tip of your f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'si...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Girl, you remind me of a cigarette

Because I wanna get you lit and put your butt in my mouth

I told my roommate, "I just reminded my neighbor 6 times to take his cat with him when he moves tomorrow." My roommate replied, " That's just your dementia."

Ha, joke's on her. I remember all 3 times I told him.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar...

He goes up to the bartender and asks him if he likes to gamble.

The bartender says, "Sure, I'll take a bet. What's your action?"

The man offers a $50 bet that he can bite his own eyeball. The bartender, thinking it's easy money, accepts his bet, and is shocked when the man removes his ...

I told a girl that her eyes remind me of stars.

"Oh, you mean bright and shiny? :)"

"No, they're really far apart."

My credit card reminds me of school,

0% interest for the first 9 months.

Healthy Marriage reminds me of Cheap Electronics

Battery’s not included

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My secretary reminds me of my wife.

I was unbuttoning her shirt the other day during lunch when she said,"Remember, you have a wife."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

'You remind me of a stallion,' said my wife.

'Big cock?' I said, smiling, rather flattered.



'No, you leave your shit everywhere,' she replied.

When my dentist reminded me about my wife’s sensitive gag reflex, we laughed and laughed about it for a while...

Then I remembered...................me and my wife have different dentists…

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Was reminded of my dad’s favorite joke when I saw a similar joke posted earlier today. He owns his own construction company and would tell this to everyone.

All the body parts get together to decide who is the boss of the body.

First is the brain. “It’s obvious I’m the boss. I’m the smartest and without me the body wouldn’t even know what to do.”

The hands speak up and say, “Without us the body wouldn’t be able to get food to the mouth. Th...

My wife told me that I remind her of a pizza

I asked if it was because I was so cheesy but she said, "no, it's because I want you to go"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just a reminder

In Swedish, the word Gråtrunka means to cry while masturbating, and the fact that they needed a word for that is a real...
tear jerker

My lights remind me of my uncle

Because I turned them both on

I don't need pictures of my wife on my phone to remind me of her.

The screen has a massive crack in it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got fired from my job as a music teacher today

Called a student's house and told his parents, "you know, your son John is pretty good in my class. He reminds me of a young Elvis."

"Oh really? Is he really that gifted in music?"

"No," I replied. "I just found him dead on the toilet."

My love, you remind me the sea...

Why? is it because of my beautiful blue eyes reminding you the ocean's water?

No

I know, it's because of my curly hair, reminds you the waves.

Not really.

So it's my perfume? reminds you that fresh air near the beach?

Nope.

So what is it then?

You mak...

I went for a walk through Memory Lane today.

I found some boxes in my closet. In it were old family relics. My great-great grandfather's World War One helmet was the first thing I saw. There was also my grandmother's surgical gear when she was a nurse in the local hospital, and countless heirlooms I can't possibly list all of which.

The...

Don’t you hate it when you can’t sleep because you are reminded of a mistake you made 2 years ago?

I hate it when my kid cries in the middle of the night

A man and his son run a carpentry business out in the countryside…

They do small jobs here and there, mostly on farms and ranches, fixing up barns and building pens for farm animals. The father eventually wants his son to take over the business and has tried to teach him the ins and outs of woodworking, along with other important lessons he thinks that every carpen...

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A guy goes to a brothel.

A guy wants to go to a brothel. He arrives at the door and asks the guard :

"I want to check the services that this brothel offers"

"Sure man, the office is on the first door on the right"

The guard opens the door and guides him to the office.

The man behind the counter...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The current situation in America reminds me of a porn video i watched

Where everyone gets fucked but nobody gets paid

Anti-vaxxers remind me of the show GLEE

Both haven't aged well

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just met a guy in the supermarket who really reminded me of Elvis.

He walked up to me and said ‘don’t you fucking DARE forget about Elvis’.

Every time I eat eggs benedict I'm reminded of my time in the Netherlands.

You know, my Holland days.

Guy takes a girl home after a second date. He tells her that she reminds him of his little toe. “Ahhh is it because I am small and cute?” she asks..

Nope, if I have any more to drink there is a very real chance I’m going to bang you on the coffee table.

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