UPJOKE
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Just a friendly reminder to show respect to Ramadan

Yes, yes. I know we all like to have a good laugh about certain things. But Ramadan is a very important and sacred time for Muslims. And as a non-Muslim, I have since learned that we need treat it with some respect.

See, my next door neighbour is a Muslim. Ever since the start of Ramadan, I h...

I told my new flat mate that she reminded me of my little toe. “Is it because I’m small and cute?” she asked....

I replied “No, it’s because when I get drunk I’ll surely end up banging you on the coffee table...”

Doc: you remind me of my cell phone

Lady: why?

Doc: Because you're about to die

Yesterday I saw two teenagers making out in the park, reminds me of my teenage days….

reminds me of my teenage days when I used to see other teenagers make out in the park

The new guy at work reminds me a lot of Matthew mcconaughey

He keeps saying things like, "Hey man, don't forget about Matthew Mcconaughey".

Sometimes when I'm feeling down I like to remind myself,

At least I'm closer to being a millionaire than Jeff Bezos is!

There are a pair of twins called Ving and Ling. Ving decided to go to the town hall to change his name. Ling decided to give him a lift there. When they arrived Ling reminded Ving that he would disgrace their family if he changed his name to Lee.

Ving takes a form and quickly fills it out to change his name. He sends off the form, but immediately starts to regret it. He is told that to revoke his form he must pay a small fee. Ling takes out her purse and is about to hand over the money when suddenly…
A man, their father, bursts through th...

You remind me of Jupiter

Equally big, and eats everything.

If a girl says she will be ready in 5 minutes, she will be

No need to remind her every 15 minutes about it

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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community..

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'si...

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross. “Something for this I have.” Yoda says.

He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a ...

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My girlfriend said my dick reminded her of a star. I asked, "Because it's hot and brightens your day?"

She replied, "No, because it's a white dwarf."

A woman comes home and finds a letter from her husband on the dinner table

She opens it and reads:

"My Dear Wife,

you will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, as a 54-year-old, can no longer satisfy. I'm very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. However, after reading this letter, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact th...

Reminder

Dear Mr Putin,

As a quick reminder, the Geneva convention is not intended as a checklist.

Sincerely yours,

Everyone else

My husband called me a p*ssy, and I had to remind him...

"You are what you eat."

I've been a d*ck ever since.

My friend and I frequently give conjugal visits to an all-female prison, to remind the inmates what it's like to have a selfless guy go down on them.

It just gives us some scents of perp-puss.

This time of year reminds me of that time I spent Christmas on the road ...

I stopped into a little diner for breakfast, and ordered the Christmas Eggs Benedict. The waitress came and delivered it on a shiny metal plate. I said, "This is fancy." She replied, "Well hon', you know there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"

Friends, just a reminder to those who received a book from me at Christmas...

They are due back in the library on the 29th.

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A Vietnamese man who recently moved to America is down on his luck and missing home. He decides to spend his last $5 on an authentic Vietnamese dinner hoping it will remind him of home.

He finds the nearest Vietnamese restaurant and makes the walk there, hoping to make it in time before they close. When he enters the owner greets him in Vietnamese and he responds in kind. Happy to be speaking his native language again the man makes small talk with the owner. After pleasantries he a...

A friendly reminder that gyms get really busy around the new year as people make their resolutions

So it’s best to wait for it to die down, usually around January 2nd

Why do men in tight pants remind me of a cheap hotel?

No ball-room.

A man is driving home after a long day at work.

Frustrated by another day working for his insufferable boss, he fails to notice a pothole and blows a tire. Stranded on the side of the road, he begins to drag out his spare when suddenly a genie appears next to him.

“Greetings, mortal.” The genie says. “I have taken pity on you, and will th...

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A man walks into a bar...

He goes up to the bartender and asks him if he likes to gamble.

The bartender says, "Sure, I'll take a bet. What's your action?"

The man offers a $50 bet that he can bite his own eyeball. The bartender, thinking it's easy money, accepts his bet, and is shocked when the man removes his ...

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What does Donald Trump say before sex?

You remind me of my daughter

if school was a game, there would be loading screen tips reminding you to

stay behind cover and only move when the enemy is reloading

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A college professor reminds her class of the next day’s final exam saying, “I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever"

A guy sitting at the back asks, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, and says, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”

A reasonable woman

A man eats with his wife in a fine restaurant. A strange woman comes to the table, kisses the man, and says, "See you in the evening, darling," and walks away. The woman stares at the man and asks, "Who the hell was that?" "Yeah, that's," replies the man, "well, that's my girlfriend." “Oh, is that s...

A Father Notices His Son's Bedroom Is Spotless, Then Finds An Envelope

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the...

If your husband tells you he's going to fix something, he's going to fix it.

No need to remind him every 6 months about it.

An older man is finally able to leave the Soviet Union in the late 1980s for the first time in his life.

His wife and son have already left and settled in the States, and he's finally able to go and join them.

On his way out through the Soviet border, the guard looks through his luggage and finds a bust of Lenin.

"What is this?" he asks.

"Don't ask me *what* this is, ask me *who* ...

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Blind Man: "Please help me, everyone keeps making nasty jokes about how my disability means I'm somehow inferior to them. I'm constantly hearing thoughtless, heartless reminders about how I'm different from other people, and lacking a sense they have."

World's Worst Therapist: "I see."

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face.

She told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!"

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut."

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mom asked, "Really small, was it?"

Sally replied, "No, salty."

[Serious] Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.

A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.

I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with.
<...

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Adam and Eve in the garden..

Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'

And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflec...

Just before a redneck had his first parachute jump, his sergeant reminded him,

"Count to ten, and then pull the first rip cord. If it snarls, pull the second rip cord for your auxiliary chute. After you land, our truck will pick you up."

The paratrooper took a deep breath and jumped. He counted to ten and pulled the first cord. Nothing happened.

He pulled the sec...

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Girl, you remind me of an alarm clock...

...you were a good idea last night but now I just want you to shut the fuck up

I’ve noticed a disturbing recent trend of people suggesting that we “eat the rich” and I’d like to remind you all that the rich are people too.

People with lovely soft skin that would make excellent TP substitute, so don’t forget to peel them first!

Well, that was embarrassing.

I forgot where I parked my car. Then my wife reminded me that I was shopping online.

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My GF is really starting to remind me of my dog...

We cuddle, I take her out every now and then, we walk together, I feed her...

And in exchange, we have sex!

Reminds of the time I was reincarnated,

I was never the same man after that.

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Day 584 without sex.

Went jogging in flip flops just to remind me what it sounds like..

Politicians in the US remind me of British teeth.

Some are sharp, most are white, and all are crooked.

When my dentist reminded me about my husband’s sensitive gag reflex, we laughed and laughed and laughed about it for a while, but then it hit me....

We have different dentists...

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A High School English Teacher reminds her class of the next day's final exam. She tells the class that there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for a serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's immediate family.

One smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Aw, that's so sad. Guess yo...

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Grown-up words

A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.
“You need to use 'grownup' words," she'd always remind them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana...

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Grandma’s Closet

When I was about 7 years old, I used to LOVE the smell of moth balls. It always reminded me of my grandmother’s closet. The only problem was that it was SUPER hard to spread the little fuckers legs apart.

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This reminds me of the time I fucked a half Korean girl.

Her mom was Korean and her dad was Korean and her legs were blown off in a car accident.

The three guys at an interview joke just posted here reminded me of another version we used to tell about 20 years ago.. is it a repost? I don't know, probably yes, but does anyone really care ;) ?

Three guys interviewing to be a detective.

The final step is with the chief inspector who says, "Ahh, so you wanna be detectives, eh? The first skill you need is perception, let's see how you guys do with that"

He calls them into his office one by one.

The first guy goes in and ...

A good psychologist once advised me to shut out all the negative people that remind me of my dark past and move on

It's been more than a month since I've gone to him and I am already starting to feel better

"I do not tolerate tardiness," a professor tells his class at the beginning on the semester.

Looking out at the sea of stricken faces in the large lecture hall he continues. "There are 300 of you, and only one of me. I will not allow you to waste my time. If you are late to class, I will count you as absent for the day. If you hand in an assignment late, it will not count towards your grade...

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Where did you last have sex?

A man calls into a radio station contest to win two tickets to Hawaii. He gets through and the DJs tell him the rules. The DJs are going to ask him a question and then call his wife and ask her the same question. If their answers match then the couple win the tickets. The man acknowledges the rules ...

My crush: You know, you remind me alot of my brother.

[Pulling out]

Me: Excuse me, what?

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My girlfriend said I remind her of a technology company.

I said I must be the Apple of your eye.

She said no it’s just that your penis is micro and soft.

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The local hot shot had never lost a drag race.

He had a souped up little dragster he pieced together himself. It was an old Honda, sure, but this guy had tuned it to perfection. Not only that, he'd squeezed every ounce of horsepower out of it possible: straight pipes, turbo, the works.

There's a straightaway on a back road where all the l...

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I was told women are most attracted to men who remind them of their father

It's a lie. My crush was pissed after I slept with her mother.

Sarah was so excited to be travelling without her parents for the first time

As soon as she entered the bus, she told the conductor to remind her when they reached Entebbe and soon they were on their way.

After a while, she asked the conductor, "Have we reached Entebbe?" "No," the conductor answered.

She asked again after some time but the answer was still the ...

Every 4th of July, America sends Britain a locket with a little tiny picture of the United States in it. They want to remind the crown that America is still...

(•_•)

( •_•)>⌐■-■

(⌐■_■)

In *da* pendent

You know that show naked and afraid? It remind me of a game I played with my uncle.

It’s a joke! I know it’s dark. Sorry.

On my birthday, my grandfather pulled me aside and said, “You remind me so much of your father.”

I said, “Wow! Thanks, Grandpa.”

Grandfather: Your father was a disappointment too.

Why does high school remind me of Fortnite?

Because you hop off a bus and shoot everyone you see

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in Grade 3.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

**Principal:** What is 3+3?

**Boy:** 6.
...

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Wedding Promise

On our wedding night my wife whispered to me that she would give oral sex once every year either on Christmas or New Years. Our first Christmas I reminded her of this promise and she blushed and said “let’s wait for New Years”. On New Years I again reminded her of her promise and she frowned and sai...

Three friends are sitting around talking about their boyfriends

The first girl says to the other two, “let’s play a game and say a drink that we like that our boyfriends remind us of. I’ll go first. My boyfriend is like sprite; he’s light and bubbly and sooo refreshing after my last couple relationships.”

The second girl says “ok, umm… mine would be a che...

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Your ex told me you remind her of her Christmas tree...

Your balls are only there for decoration purposes!

REMINDER: If you have promised your SO that you will love them 24/7

Today is 24/7

why don't claustrophobic people like accidentally meeting the same person twice?

They don’t want to be reminded that it’s a small world

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I had sex with this girl that would constantly remind me of her age

I guess it's a German thing

Whenever I see an Astronomy discovery it reminds me of this joke

An astronomer, a physicist and a mathematician were on the train from London to Edinburgh, as they passed the Scottish border they saw a black sheep.

'Ah ha' said the astronomer 'from that I can deduce that in Scotland all sheep are black'

'No' said the physicist 'we can deduce that in...

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A man walks into a bar

Tells the bartender that he’s gonna get shit faced and to call him a cab when he’s done. He also ask the bartender to remind not to blow bubbles when he leaves. The man gets drunk and leaves but the bartender forgets to remind him not to blow bubbles. The guy comes back the next day and says dude yo...

The Spice Girls want to remind you to set your clocks back an hour tonight.

Because tonight is the night, when two becomes one.

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Two Russian women are foraging through a previously harvested potato field.

One is lucky to find two large spuds. She holds them up and says,

“Deez potatoes remind me of my husbands testicles”

The other replies,

“Oh my, are dey dat big?”

“NO, dey are dis dirty”

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Why did god create the yeast infection?

To remind women what it’s like to live with a miserable cunt.

A man moved to New York from India and he opened a lunch counter where he served traditional Indian foods and sandwiches to go. He decorated it in Indian style to remind him of his home city and hired his friends and neighbors from the old country to work there.

You might say he was setting up a little Delhi.

My computer password in Incorrect

That way, if I type in a different password, it reminds me ‘Your password is incorrect’

And then I remember

Don’t you hate it when you can’t sleep because you are reminded of a mistake you made 2 years ago?

I hate it when my kid cries in the middle of the night

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Girl, you remind me of a cigarette

Because I wanna get you lit and put your butt in my mouth

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Three men are walking through the woods when they find an old, battered lamp.

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a genie.

"After all these years, I'm finally free!" the genie booms. "You know what, it's been so long that I'll make an exception and grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately blurts out, "I want a billion dollars!" In a ...

Hey Cutie, you remind me of my little toe you know that?

Why? Because Im cute?

No Because When Im drunk later on tonight, Im gonna bang you on the coffee table. ;)

Annoyed at my constant reminders to stop eating her own body parts,

my wife threw up her hands in frustration.

The allied prisoners

During World War II, four prisoners are captured and brought back to a German base, set to await the death penalty in their cells. The prisoners are a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman and an Englishman.

One morning, a German officer comes in and tells the prisoners, "You are to be lined up a...

During these uncertain times, it is important to remember that we are all still human beings and we should treat each other in a polite and respectful manner. If I come within 6' of you, just politely remind me about social distancing.

None of this, "I have a restraining order, creep!"

Two golfers and a priest went out to play a few rounds

The first golfer missed a key swing.

"Damn, I missed!" he said.

The priest scolded him, saying that God would punish him for taking the Lord's name in vain.

However, it happened again.

"Damn, I missed!"

The priest tutted and reminded him to keep the Lord's name hol...

Two women were harvesting carrots.

One of them pulled a huge carrot from the ground and exclaimed "This one reminds me of my husband!"

"So large?" asked her friend.

"No - so dirty."

I get so annoyed when my wife reminds me to fix something.

If I said I’m going to fix it, I’ll fix it.
There’s no need to remind me about it every three months.

I just got a reminder in Outlook that Friday is World Sleep Day.

I put it on snooze. I’m doing my bit.

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Remind me to tell you the crazy story about the last time I flushed a toilet.

Shit went down.

This 2020 Presidential election reminds me of the 2000 election....

But a lot less Gore-y

My lights remind me of my uncle

Because I turned them both on

How do you persuade elephants to go swimming?

Remind them that they already have their trunks on.

Balloons remind me of my dad

They don't come back

I want to remind everyone today that 9/11 jokes aren't funny...

...only 2/11 are.

My new girlfriend shares her first name with that of my sister.

When we're doing the deed and I'm on the final cusp of climaxing, I instinctively start moaning and shouting my partner's name.

In my current relationship this is actually very offputting, because while screaming my partner's name I'm reminded of my girlfriend.

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My girlfriend has the same name as my sister

It's very confusing. When I have sex with her I scream her name but I always reminds me of my girlfriend

Why would an imitation diamond remind you of St. Patrick's Day?

Because it's a shamrock.

Which Military Service Is the Best?

A Soldier, a Sailor, an Airman, and a Marine got into an argument about which branch of the service was The Best. The arguing became so heated the four servicemen failed to see an oncoming truck as they crossed the street. They were hit by the truck and killed instantly.

Soon, the four servic...

I don't need pictures of my wife on my phone to remind me of her.

The screen has a massive crack in it.

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'You remind me of a stallion,' said my wife.

'Big cock?' I said, smiling, rather flattered.



'No, you leave your shit everywhere,' she replied.

A lot of redditors who post in r/Jokes remind me of Carlos Mencia

Not just because they steal jokes but they're fat and stupid too.

My love, you remind me the sea...

Why? is it because of my beautiful blue eyes reminding you the ocean's water?

No

I know, it's because of my curly hair, reminds you the waves.

Not really.

So it's my perfume? reminds you that fresh air near the beach?

Nope.

So what is it then?

You mak...

Cake day is a sad reminder

Its been 3 years i need to get a social life

I told a girl that her eyes remind me of stars.

"Oh, you mean bright and shiny? :)"

"No, they're really far apart."

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In the wake of Trump meeting the "President of Virgin Islands", it remind me the two sides of Trump's brain: "left" and "right"...

In the left side, there's nothing right.

In the right side, there's nothing left.

A husband and wife were dining at a 5-star restaurant. When their food arrived, the husband said: “Our food has arrived! Let’s eat!” His wife reminded him: “Honey, you always say your prayers at home before your dinner!”

A husband and wife were dining at a 5-star restaurant. When their food arrived, the husband said: “Our food has arrived! Let’s eat!”

His wife reminded him: “Honey, you always say your prayers at home before your dinner!”

Her husband replied: “That’s at home, my dear. Here the chef know...

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