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Neglect Jokes

What happens when you neglect to pay your exorcist?

You get repossessed.

My wife said that our son feels neglected.

I didn't even know we had a son.

Neglect.

It's a topic I've always ignored.

My wife said that I'm a neglectful father.

"What are you talking about?" I shouted. "I took our daughter to the park this morning."

"Yes," she snapped. "And you ought to have brought her home with you."

What does a mime do when feeling neglected?

Acts out.

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The plastic surgery industry seems to neglect the market for middle aged dangling balls

Seems like low hanging fruit.

TIFU by neglecting the fence between our marijuana farm and the cattle ranch next door.

We're struggling to salvage our crop for harvest this year, and the steaks have never been higher.

Jesus Christ, 12 years old, steps out of his home but neglects to close the door behind him.

Mary: Hold on, son! Were you born in a barn?

My son said I'm neglectful.

I said, 'Be grateful boy, I'm the one that puts a roof over your shed.'

Did you hear about the donkey that neglected its kids to go work out every day?

Such a jacked ass

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After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable – an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

F...

Stay neglectful my friends

I adopted 3 kids recently and named them after my favorite beers; Bud Light, Miller Light, and Dos Equis. I work long days and am occasionally allowed to bring one child with me to the office. When faced with the decision of which child to take with me to work I always pick Dos Equis, because I don'...

You can't tell me I neglect my children.

Nobody else knows where they are either.

When the coroner's report came back, it stated my nine month old son had died due to neglect…

Nothing to do with me though, I was at the bar at the time…

Me: Dad, to be frank your years of neglect towards us has left us scarred for life and incapable of developing sincere and loving relationships

Dad: ...

Me: ...

Dad: HI FRANK!!!

Is it ok to ignore dumplings in my Chinese takeout?

Or will I be charged with wonton neglect?

What's the difference between the Great Pyramid in Egypt and the Luxor Hotel in Las Vegas?

Ages of neglect and pillaging have caused one of them to fall into utter disrepair. The other is in Egypt.

Sherlock Holmes' wife being very neglected took to compensatory eating and put on an enormous amount of weight.

The master detective took her to his friend Dr. Watson for examination. After the doctor had given her a thorough examination, Holmes asked him, "What is the problem, doctor?"
Dr. Watson replied, "Alimentary, my dear Holmes!"

My baby daughter said her first word today!

She said “Neglect!”

Or something like that at least. I don’t remember, I wasn't really paying attention.

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go hunting...

The three see a buck a little distance away.

The physicist makes a quick, back-of-the-envelope calculation, assuming an ideal bullet and neglecting wind resistance, and then fires. The bullet lands 10 meters in front of the buck.

The engineer has been doing his own calculations, adding...

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What's the scientific name for a child who grew up with parents that never gave them attention?

Homoneglectus.

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Having a cat is just like having a girlfriend ...

They both

* wail and moan when you neglect to feed them
* bite and scratch when you try to pet them
* keep escaping from the basement

All these dating sites are terrible for your self esteem.

If I wanted to feel neglected I’d go sit with my wife.

Check your emails more often

Turns out my DNA ancestry results came back 100% Nigerian and I’ve been neglecting my royal prince cousin for years

Why are all engineers atheist?

They neglect the higher order.

Another Lawyer Joke

A very successful attorney parked his brand-new Bentley in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a truck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver's door.

Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and ...

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A young priest is new to a confregation

And he strikes up a conversation with a young nun. He tells her that on his studies in The Vatican he’s come to understand an important teaching that’s been neglected. Basically, it turns out the kingdom of heaven is sealed with an earthly lock. Luckily, men posses the key and women, the lock itself...

I can’t believe some people don’t eat the crust

like seriously. wtf?? It’s PART OF THE FOOD. I get that the inside of the coconut tastes better but that’s no reason to neglect the rest.

The local parish priest was overdue for his vacation.

The diocese sent a young, zealous priest to replace him. The local priest had become so tired of hearing women confess to infidelity, that he established a code for them: just say you fell in the hole, and I'll know what you mean. As the priest was eager to begin his sabbatical, he neglected to men...

I am like air resistance

Everyone neglects me

Rick, a salesman, specilized in real estate. As he was talking to a client names Down about a property. The client said to Rick...

"Never in my life have i seen such a pretty house!"

"Gonna buy it?" asked Rick.

"Give me the paperwork" said Down. "I'm gonna."

"You made the right choice." said Rick, while grinning a grin. What he had neglected to tell his client was thay the upstairs was completly damaged....

[Long] A man goes into a hotel with a built-in restaurant

He checks in, goes to his room to read, then he goes to the restaurant and sits on one of the central tables.

He then orders the meal and waits for it, but he also notices that the waiter seems to always serve guests who are sitting near the room's walls.

The man gets a bit irritated...

Thought I'd share a favorite on my cake day

Gandhi used to walk barefoot on most days, neglecting modern footwear, and eventually grew a strong set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather weak and with his odd diet, suffered from very, very bad breath. To others he smelled atrocious, this super calloused frag...

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Hygiene was an issue at the farm

John, the farmer was an old man who couldn't tend to his farm any more. His children had left for the city for greener pastures.
Few years back his wife passed away of old age.

Seeing the farm in neglect, all the domesticed animals on the farm called for an urgent meeting.

The cow, ...

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A colonel in the French Foreign Legion was given command of an isolated outpost in the middle of the desert.

On his first day, he had his sergeant show him around. He noticed that there was a solitary camel tied up behind the enlisted men's barracks. "Sergeant," said the colonel, "what is that camel doing there?"

"Well, sir," the sergeant answered, "the men are out here in the desert for so long, an...

St. Peter was looking down at Earth one Sunday and saw a Baptist minister playing golf

After a bit of investigating, he found the man had asked his lay clergy to conduct that day's service so he could take advantage of good weather. Incensed, St. Peter goes to God to complain.

"Lord, can you believe this? A man who preaches your Word, neglecting his sacred duty so he can golf....

A penguin has car trouble

He calls a tow truck and rides with the driver to a service station. Inside they also sell snacks, so he buys two ice cream sandwiches. He scarfs then both down and walks out to check on his car, neglecting to wipe his face. He asks the mechanic “what’s this issue?” The mechanic responds, “it looks ...

Two old soldiers are reflecting during a visit to the town where they grew up.

The first soldier had had both arms amputated at the elbow following after the war, and the second both legs at the knee.

After a while of gazing upon old buildings and storefronts, the men come across a statue in the town park; the statue shows signs of age and neglect.

The second rem...

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Polish girl at gynecologist

A Polish girl went to the gynecologist. She disrobed and got up into the stirrups.

The doctor was so shocked at the neglectful state of her vagina he asked, "When was the last time you had a checkup?"

"Well, to be honest with you," she blushed, "I've never had a Czech up there, but I h...

Why'd the air resistance committed suicide?

Because he's always being neglected

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A newly married woman is distressed to find out her new husband plays so much golf...

My husband is on the links every day, she confides with her neighbor, I feel so neglected at times, Why don’t you learn to golf so you can be with your husband every day? the neighbor advises, yes that’s a great idea,
Next day she goes to the club to look for a woman pro, after finding one she’s...

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John and the parrot

John brought home a parrot as his pet. He taught the bird how to speak, and was amazed at its learning pace. Being a quick learner, the parrot started picking up words from its surroundings and would keep John entertained.

All was lovely and peaceful until one fine day, the parrot started usi...

There was this guy working at McDonald’s.

and it was his turn to cook the French fries. So he put the frozen fries in the metal basket and dipped it in the oil. You see this guy was a veteran chef and used to be able to sense when food was cooked by looking at it's color or by smelling it, he never needed a timer or a meat thermometer or an...

A college student is taking an end of the semester test for his bird study class

He realizes that if he studies the whole night, he can ace the final and get a good grade. So he pulls an all-nighter and feels good about the material. The next day, he arrives to his class, and the test begins. The thing he neglected to study was identifying certain birds by their footprint. This ...

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An extremely attractive young blond woman goes to a massage parlor.

She explains that this will be her first massage, and she really has no idea what to expect. The masseur tells her she'll need to disrobe and lie on the table. The young woman blushes, but strips off all of her clothes, struts across the room, and lies on the massage table.

The masseur can't...

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Doing the Boss

A woman's boss calls her into his office asking her if she would house sit when he's gone for a weekend.
Accepting right away she says , "I'll make a list right now of what you'll need. Whatll you need me to do?"

"I've a mini pig that has a rash, can you rub some soothing oil on it?" The b...

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Magic Penis

Dave was preparing to go on a long business trip to The Vatican, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, ' Well, Dave, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, exce...

[Long] A man lives near the edge of a forest with his wife.

The wife is a very kind woman. Every now and then she would find an injured animal in her backyard, and she would waste no time bringing it into their home and taking care of it until it recovers. The man doesn't mind the animals, just as long as they don't bother him.

However, during the wi...

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An upstart comedian speaks to a famous movie producer ...

"So, what's your idea?"

"Well, I want to make the film about how a wealthy New York businessman raised his child to become a selfish, arrogant prick just like himself. The boy's such a fucking asshole that even his neglectful father gets sick of the rat and sends him to a military academy. ...

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A businessman is going out of town for 3 weeks...

His wife is a total nympho and he knows that she will never be able to remain faithful for that long. In an attempt to quell her sexual appetite, he goes to a sex shop on the outskirts of town. He spends several minutes pouring over dozens of dildos, dongs, vibrators, and other toys. However, he kno...

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[Long] [NSFW] One warm autumn day,

A man walks into the patent office and slams a stack of papers down triumphantly. "I've bred apples that taste like different fruits, and furthermore, each half of an apple tastes different!"

The patent clerk looks up in boredom, "Sure, sure... But I need to verify the truthfulness of this cl...

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A talented but unemployed jazz pianist.

A talented but unemployed jazz pianist/composer was walking down Second Avenue in New York contemplating his sad life when he sees a sign in a restaurant window that says "Jazz pianist wanted, full time position." Elated at his good fortune he goes inside to apply for the job.

He meets the ma...

Old School Pirate Crime

Captain Normal Beard the up-and-coming pirate captain and his first mate Clumsy Edward were in desperate need of ink in order to make the numerous treasure maps they were sure create during all of their treasure-filled journeys. More than anything they needed red ink for the illustrious X's that wil...

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When Solomon the Wise received the Queen of Sheba at his palace, he needed grand new thrones for him and for her.

So by the power of the Seal of Solomon he summoned *djinn* and he said to them: Craft me a pair of thrones that shall be the wonder of all the ages, exquisite in both materials and workmanship and of a value surpassing all the treasures of the earth. And the *djinn*, bound under the Seal, bowed low ...

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