What do you call a shoe that is made from bananas?

A slipper

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing...

...but mean your mother.

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Freudian slip

A man was waiting in line to buy a train ticket for himself and his friend. When he was almost to the front of the line, he noticed that the person selling the tickets had a rather nice, large pair of breasts. When it was his turn to buy the tickets, he accidentally blurted out "Two pickets for Titt...

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A guy walks into a bar and slips on a huge pile of dog shit.

He gets up and goes to the bartender to tell him about the mess. Meanwhile another guy walks into the bar and slips on the same pile of shit.



The first guy walks over and points at the mess and says "I JUST did that"...he woke up a few seconds later with a black eye.

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I had a Freudian slip today...

We were at the dinner table, and what I *meant* to say was "Mom, will you please pass the hot cross buns?" But instead what came out was "You bitch, you ruined my life!"

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What do vaginas and the mafia have in common?

One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.

Let me slip into something more comfortable...

Like a coma

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Freudian Slip (possibly NSFW)

Two friends were chatting it up, as friends often do, when one brings up Freudian Slips. He says, ”The craziest thing happened to me the other day. I was going to the big game with my son, and we finally got up to the ticket window. You would not believe the size of the tits on the lady working the ...

Brought a girl home from a bar last night and after we went down on each other for a while I slipped on a condom. Suddenly, she looked me dead in the eyes and demanded either forty more minutes of foreplay, or that I drop down and give her 100 pushups. When I asked why she said

"The idea is to provide you with a sense of pride and accomplishment for unlocking different holes."

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My tongue slipped when I was asking my wife to "pass the milk, honey" when we had breakfast yesterday

I accidentally said: "Fuck you Helen you ruined my fucking life"

How many mobsters do you need to push a man off a cliff?

None. He slipped and fell by himself.

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Slip of the tongue

Two guy friends were out at dinner and the one friend says to the other, “guess what happened to me at the train station today?”
“What” says his friend
“I was at the train station buying a ticket for my wife to go to Pittsburg and the lady at the desk was wearing a very low cut top, so I acc...

Freudian Slip

One day there was a priest sitting in a pew with a very worried and nervous look, and a another priest saw him and wondered what was wrong.

The second priest thought he should try to help, so he approached his distraught associate and asked him what was wrong. "Well" the first priest said, ...

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Freudian slips

Jeff and Bob were talking about Freudian slips

Jeff: Man I was trying to order two tickets to Pittsburgh from this big breasted woman and accidentally said "Two pickets to Tittsburgh!" I was mortified.

Bob: Oh, that's nothing. I tried to ask my wife Karen to pass the salt at dinner th...

I really hope this country doesn't slip into depression...

Because if it does Trump will make sure it is the *Greatest* depression it has ever seen.

A man dies, standing before death. Death tells him that if he can beat him at a game, he can have his life back. The man thinks for a moment, asks for a slip of paper and a pen. He writes on the paper, folds it, and hands it back to death.

"The Game"

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Freudian Slip

One friend says to the other "Wow dude, i have to tell you an embarrassing story"
"Sure..What is it?"
"Well, I just had the worst freudian slip experience. I recently had to go on a business trip to Pittsburgh and when I went to the counter in the airport to buy the ticket, the lady working ha...

Two dairy farmers are walking through the creamery when suddenly one of them slips and falls in a large vat of milk...

...the other one yells angrily, "get out of there, it's pasteurized!"

And the farmer in the vat shouts back, "no it's not......It's only just past my waist!"

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When I was little, we were so poor that Dad had to bust a hole in the septic tank just so we could slip and slide.

It was a shitty slip and slide.

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Freudian Slip

Two men are sitting at a bar together, one with a black eye, having a pint. Eventually the unbruised one asks his friend about the eye.

"Ah, I had a bit of a Freudian slip this morning. I needed to buy two train tickets to Pittsburgh, and the girl behind the counter had ENORMOUS knockers. ...

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A man with a black eye takes his seat on a plane...

...where he notices the gentleman next to him also has a black eye.

"So how'd you get that black eye." he asks

"Well it was a slip of the tongue. I meant to ask the attractive woman at the desk for, "one ticket to Pittsburgh". Instead I asked for, "one picket to Titsburgh" and she pu...

Two men are climbing a mountain. One of them slips and falls.

"Oh my god are you alive?!? Can you hear me?!?"

-- "Yes, I'm alive."

"Did you break your legs?"

-- "No, my legs are fine."

"Did you break your arms?

-- "No, they're OK."

"Well, thank goodness, climb back up!"

-- "I can't."

"Why not?"

-- ...

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What's a Freudian slip?

Two old men are playing a round of golf. One says, "in my old age, I find myself making more Freudian slips." The other says "what's a Freudian slip"?

The first man says, "is when you intend to say one thing, but actually say what you were really thinking. Like the other day, I had a new secr...

Slip sliding away

A man comes home from work to find his wife sliding down the banister.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
She answers, "Warming up your dinner."

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Freudian Slip...

A guy sits in his seat on an airplane, red-faced, and turns to the guy next to him. "Oh man. I just made the worst Freudian slip. The ticket agent was really well-endowed and instead of asking her for a ticket to Pittsburg, I asked her for a picket to tittsburg. So embarrassing!"

The guy he's...

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As I lay in bed, gently nodding off, I felt a warm hand slip inside my boxer shorts and gently start to caress...

...my balls.

It was very nice, but I wasn't in the mood.

"Not tonight, honey." I mumbled. "I'm too tired."

"It fucking doesn't quite work like that in here." rasped my cellmate.

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Freudian Slip

A man is waiting in line at the bus station. He finally makes his way to the attendant and notices she is well endowed and certainly showing it. He avoids looking at her breasts and promptly states "I'd like a picket to Titsburgh." Realizing his mistake he grows red with embarrassment. After purchas...

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A Freudian slip is when you say something by mistake that gives away

What you were really wanking about...I mean thinking about.

-Ricky Gervais

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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s...

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Freudian Slip

Two guys were talking when one said "Man, I was at the train station the other day and had a Freudian slip. It was so embarrassing. I wanted a ticket to Pittsburgh, but the woman had such big, nice breasts, I asked for a ticket to Titsburgh!"

The other guy replied, "That's nothing. This morni...

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two guys are at work and one says to the other

“i had the worst freudian slip the other day..i was at the train station and the woman behind the ticket counter had these massive tits and i meant to say ‘could i please have two tickets to pittsburgh,’ but ended up saying ‘could i please have two pickets to tittsburg’” and the other guy laughs and...

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My teacher recently asked "What's a slip in the tongue called?"

Apparently it's not Cunilingus.....

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A man and his friend are having coffee one morning when the friend brings up the definition of a Freudian slip...

A man and his friend are having coffee one morning when the friend brings up the definition of a Freudian slip. The man asks what this "Freudian Slip" is and his friend describes it as this: "It's when you mean to say one thing, but another word comes out. For instance, the other day I was trying to...

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Freudian Slips

2 construction workers are standing at the pub. One of them says, 'Oh man, I made the worst freudian slip the other day!' The other one says, 'Why? What happened?' The first man says, 'I was buying a plane ticket to Pittsburgh, but the woman working the ticket stall had big boobs. I was going to say...

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My pencil isn’t prone to making Freudian Slips

but my penis

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

Still unsure as to whether or not that full stop adds to humorous effect.

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Two men with black eyes at a ticket office

One man asked the other how he got his black eye but was embarrassed to tell the story, as was the first. So they agreed that if one was to tell the story so would the other.

The first man said "I got my black eye because of a Freudian slip."

"A Freudian slip?" asked the...

What do you call a pink slip served in a coffee bag?

Grounds for termination!

I like my memes the way I like my freudian slips

Send dudes

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Classic Freudian Slip

Two guys are chatting over a beer. One of them tells the other,
"Man, I had the most embarrassing thing happen to me a few weeks ago - a classic Freudian slip - I was at at the airport and I swear, the gal the behind the counter had the biggest rack I've seen in a long time, and so, instead of s...

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A hitchhiker gets picked up by a trucker with a bullfrog on his dashboard.

The hitchhiker guy stares at the bullfrog for a while, fascinated by the animal, while the truck driver just grins. After a while, the truck driver decides to show him what's what. He pulls over by the side of the road.

"Watch this!"

He takes the bullfrog by the legs and SLAMS its head...

I saw a poor old woman slip over on some ice the other day...

... at least I think she was poor; she only had $3 in her purse.

The Boston Zoo had a large problem.

The Boston Zoo had a very large problem. Their most popular attraction, a gorilla named Jamie, had died unexpectedly in the night. Ticket sales were projected to plummet if this gorilla couldn’t be seen, so the zoo manager decided to hire a man to dress up in a gorilla costume and pretend to be Jami...

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The New York Philharmonic was conducting a rendition of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony

If you are not familiar with Beethoven's 9th Symphony it's a tremendous piece of work, but the bass line is atrocious. Not because it is complicated, but because it goes like this:

**"bbbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"**



And then approximately an hour an a half later it goes li...

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Freudian slip.

So this guy says to his mate that he had a Freudian slip recently. The friend hasn't heard of this before and asks him what he means. So the first guy says: "well it's when you mean to say one thing but instead you say what's on your mind- it's better if I give you an example: The other day I was...

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3 men meet at the top of a tall building with a wizard

The wizard said "If you jump off the building and say the name of an object, that object will appear beneath you."

The first guy, being the luckiest, jumps and yells "PILLOWS." Pillows appear beneath him and he lands on them safely.

The second guy jumps and yells "HAY." He lands safely...

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I won a competition where you had to make as many Freudian slips as you could in sixty seconds.

It was a race against the cock.

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Freudian slip

A couple goes to therapy to try and solve some problems in their marriage.

The counselor says that maybe by recounting their morning routine, they can find some unconscious signs revealing deep-set issues.

The husband responds,

"Well, this morning, something peculiar happened....

I used to try and slip into bed quietly, pretending to be asleep after coming home late after a night out with the guys but my wife always woke up...

But I found out that if I come in making as much noise as possible, stumble around a bunch, strip down naked, fall into bed and make obnoxious advances at her, she pretends she's asleep.

Ever have one of those days where you're wiping away and the poo is all wet and slimy so your finger breaks through the toilet roll and your finger just slips inside, like two knuckles deep? I just had a day like that.

Anyway, I'm not allowed to volunteer at *that* child care centre anymore.

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A slip of the tongue

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat.

He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too.

He says to him, "Hey, this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?"

The other guy say...

In light of the recent Taylor Swift & Tom Hiddleston news. I believe they shouldn't have let slip they are dating and kept it Loki

(Joke above)

Why are all boats issued with rubber toilet seats?

Because loo slips sink ships.

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How the Germans bailed out Greece

It is a slow day in a little Greek Village. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted.



Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.



On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel...

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Guy's in a bar, moping over a beer.

Bartender comes up to him and says, "Well, Bill, what's wrong?"

Bill says, "Said a little Freudian Slip to my wife the other day, now she's talking about leaving me."

"Well, Bill, what'd ya say?"

"It just came out wrong, now she's talking about a divorce." Bill buried his head ...

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The problem with Freudian slips

Two men were sitting around chatting, when the topic of slips of the tongue came up.

The first man said: "The other day I was at the airport, and the girl at the desk was a gorgeous redhead with a D-cup in a *very* tight sweater. What I meant to say was: I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh. Wh...

A man goes to the doctor to complain about his problem with... ahem, silent emissions...

A man goes to the doctor to complain about his problem with... ahem, silent emissions...

"Doc,' he says, 'I really can't help it, but I've been having this problem with these silent farts for a long time now. In fact, the other day, the wife and I were having dinner with neighbors and qui...

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Freudian Slip

Two friends are at a bar talking about embarrassing situations they've had. The first friend says "Man, last week, I had a really bad Freudian slip. I was having dinner with my fiancée and her mother and our waitress at the restaurant was really curvy and attractive. While ordering I meant to ask...

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One day Jeffrey was complaining to his friend...

“My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor." Said Jeffrey.

"Don't do that! There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can...

At the gates of heaven Gabriel is deciding fates.

A man walks up ranting of misfortune. When asked why he's so mad he explained

" I was sure my wife was cheating on me. So one day I left work early to catch her in the act. When I walked into our apartment she was surprised. Nude and sweaty so I knew someone was there. I look under the bed i...

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Two business men are flying first class on an airplane...

They are both wearing suits, carrying briefcases, and both of them have a black eye.

Wondering what the odds of their circumstances are, they start up a conversation

Man #1: “Hey buddy, kinda funny that we’re both dressed for business, flying first class, and we both have black eyes. ...

A movie director is making a movie about a seal living in New York City.

A movie director is making a movie about a seal living in New York City. The director knows that the only chance of success is if he gets a very famous lead actor, so he pulls every connection he possibly can, and by a stroke of luck, he gets Jim Carrey to star the film!

The film crew creates...

my favorite punchline...

"No, nurse! I said 'slip off his spectacles'!"

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(some very basic french is needed to understand) During the international annual ice cat race, they introduced all the cat-racers!

There was a french cat - Un Deux Trois

A spanish cat - Uno Dos Tres

And an american cat - one two three

The cats got behind the starting line on the ice, which was frozen on real water. The whistle was blown and the cats take off! Eventually, the French cat seems to be winning!...

So my mom decided to sell her house, but she’d always promised she’d get the boulder out of her front yard.

It was an eyesore, but she couldn’t handle it herself. I was still in college, so on a long weekend, I loaded all the guys I could in my car, drove the 11 hours home. We borrowed a truck, backed it right up, and tried to lift it. We couldn’t move it.

So I called in all the old high school fri...

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A Morning Poem

I woke early one morning, The  earth lay cool and still. When Suddenly a tiny bird perched upon my window sill, He sang a song so lovely, so carefree and so gay, that slowly all my troubles began to slip away.   He sang of far off places, of laughter and of fun, it seemed this very trilling, bro...

Centuries ago, on a remote island in the North Atlantic...

Vikings arrived and began a settlement with help from their Irish thralls. But they weren't alone. All manner of otherworldly beings lurked in the island's hidden corners. The Vikings called these beings *vættir*; the Gaels called them *Aes Sídhe*.

Among these beings were the selkies who frol...

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Retiring mail man

So a retiring mail man is making his route on his last day. He has been working the route for 30 years. He receives a few thank you cards, and some small gifts, which really makes him feel appreciated.

As his day is coming to an end, he comes to one of the final houses. As he puts the mail in...

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