The 97+ Best Slip Jokes

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I apologised to my girlfriend during sex for slipping it in the wrong hole

But of course she couldn't hear me with my dick in her ear.

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As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter.

I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.

I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat."

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My tongue slipped when I was asking my wife to "pass the milk, honey" when we had breakfast yesterday

I accidentally said: "Fuck you Helen you ruined my fucking life"

My wife made a Freudian slip while we were making love.

She said, "Yes! Oh yes! Oh my God Sigmund!!"

You know what a freudian slip is?

It’s when you mean to say one thing, but then you say ~~your mother~~ another.

I've just accidentally let slip to the family that I lied about earning my biology degree.

Me and my big face-hole thingy.

Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper left on my front step.

I have fallen on some hard Times.

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What time of day is best to make a Freudian Slip?

First thing in the morning, when the Cock grows.

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A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that.

About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the ta...

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Freudian Slip...

A guy sits in his seat on an airplane, red-faced, and turns to the guy next to him. "Oh man. I just made the worst Freudian slip. The ticket agent was really well-endowed and instead of asking her for a ticket to Pittsburg, I asked her for a picket to tittsburg. So embarrassing!"

The guy he's...

I slipped on some black ice yesterday.

At first I thought it was regular ice, but when I got back on my feet, I noticed my wallet was gone.

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of coma...

...for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what?

You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got f...

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Freudian Slip

Two men are sitting at a bar, both of them have a fresh black-eye.

First guy: (pointing at shiner) **So what happened to you?**

Second guy: **Freudian slip**

First guy: **What's that?**

Second guy: **That's when you accidentally say what you're thinking subconsciously, I ...

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Freudian slip

A guy is talking to his buddy.
\-I made a total fool of myself today. I was talking to a very well endowed young woman at the airport and I said: "I need two pickets to Tittsburgh." She was embarrassed and so was I.
His buddy replies:
\-Yeah, it's called a Freudian slip. I had one...

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I was having breakfast with my mother recently when I made a Freudian slip...

What I meant to say was, 'can you pass the butter please?' but what I actually said was 'YOU FUCKING BITCH YOU RUINED MY LIFE'.

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A guy walks with two bags in his hands. One of them is torn and 20$ bills are slipping out.

Someone stops him and ask:
- Why is there so much money in your bag?
- When there is a sport game in town, I hide in the bushes nearby and when someone goes to take a piss, I say “Give me 20$ or I cut it off!”
- Ok, and what’s in the other bag?
- Well, not everyone pays…

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Freudian Slip

A man is going through an airport after buying his ticket, and he walks over to a friend with his head down.

"Ah man, I can't believe what just happened. I had a Freudian slip. Do you see the ticket agent with the huge cans? I accidentally asked her for two pickets to titsville."

His ...

A woman wants to know if her 3 future sons-in-law will be thrustworthy... ... So she decides to take them one by one on a walk and pretend to slip and fall into the water to see what they will do. And so it goes.

On the first walk, she pretends to slip and falls into the water. The first son-in-law takes of his shoes & coat and jumps in the water. The next day there is new family sedan parked in front of the house. There is a letter for the son-in-law which says:

_Thank you for saving me, here is ...

A prisoner slipped on the stairs 5 years into his 14 year sentence.

He suffered some minor injuries but he decided to pretend to be in a coma for rest of his sentence.

When he finally decided to drop the act on the last day of his sentence, the warden arrested him again, because you aren't supposed to end a sentence with a coma.

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Freudian slip

Two dudes were discussing psychology and Freudian slips.

The first dude said, “ I went shoe shopping the other day. The lady who was helping me had a huge rack. Her tiny blouse was revealing. When she asked me what I was looking for I told her a pair of boobs. I was embarrassed becaus...

Brought a girl home from a bar last night and after we went down on each other for a while I slipped on a condom. Suddenly, she looked me dead in the eyes and demanded either forty more minutes of foreplay, or that I drop down and give her 100 pushups. When I asked why she said

"The idea is to provide you with a sense of pride and accomplishment for unlocking different holes."

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Freudian Slip

My coworker and I were talking the other day, and he mentioned a conversation where he accidentally said 'boob' to his girlfriend when asking her if he could hold her 'bag' while she visited the restroom at the nightclub they were at.

I said, "Yeah, that's called a Freudian slip. It happened...

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Freudian Slip

A man is waiting in line at the bus station. He finally makes his way to the attendant and notices she is well endowed and certainly showing it. He avoids looking at her breasts and promptly states "I'd like a picket to Titsburgh." Realizing his mistake he grows red with embarrassment. After purchas...

Swear on my life this is a true story. An experienced cook in my kitchen just slipped and fell in a fryer....

Was mostly ok, definitely could have gone worse as far as oil burns go. His elbow and a portion of his forearm were burned pretty serious and the whole kitchen had stopped and the sous chef was giving him medical attention when the new young cook, who people were still trying to warm up to, goes...

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What's a Freudian slip?

Two old men are playing a round of golf. One says, "in my old age, I find myself making more Freudian slips." The other says "what's a Freudian slip"?

The first man says, "is when you intend to say one thing, but actually say what you were really thinking. Like the other day, I had a new secr...

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My therapist said my Freudian slips make her uncomfortable

Boy, if I had a nipple for every time I've been told that...

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A slip of the tongue

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat.

He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too.

He says to him, "Hey, this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?"

The other guy say...

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The bad news is that I slipped and fell while getting out of the shower and I landed on my glasses. The glasses went up my butt.

The good news?

Hindsight is 20-20

My Nokia slipped out of my hand and landed on top of my car so I took it to Best Buy

But they said they don’t fix cars

I saw a poor old woman slip over on some ice the other day...

... at least I think she was poor; she only had $3 in her purse.

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I slipped in my own driveway.

I wanted to sue but my lawyer told me I couldn't since it was my own ass fault.

What do you get when you cross an idiom with a Freudian slip?

Six of one, and a half dozen of your mother.

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A man was walking along the street when he slipped in dog shit..

A few moments later another guy did exactly the same thing. The first guy said to him, "I just did that."

The second guy punched him in the face and called him a dirty bastard.

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Freudian slip.

So this guy says to his mate that he had a Freudian slip recently. The friend hasn't heard of this before and asks him what he means. So the first guy says: "well it's when you mean to say one thing but instead you say what's on your mind- it's better if I give you an example: The other day I was...

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Just a slip of the tongue

A guy boards the flight and looks over at his row mate to see they have something in common and strikes up a conversation-

Guy 1 - Wow, what a coincidence. We both have a black eye!

Guy 2 - Yeah, it was really just a slip of the tongue. I was at the ticket counter and the woman behind ...

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An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

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A married man was having an affair with his Nympho secretary, and lost track of time.

Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demande...

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Freudian Slip

Tim needs to get to Cincinnati. He decides to take a train. When he walks up to the ticket counter the woman behind the counter had huge breasts. He tells her " I would like Cicket to TITSanati, um I mean a Ticket to Cincinnati." The woman blushes and laughs it off. Tim gets his ticket and boards t...

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I was installing a light in the attic today, when I slipped off a joist and put my foot right through the bedroom ceiling. It scared the shit out of my girlfriend.

I'm not surprised though, she kicked me out last August.

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What does a sexy Dalek scream as it slips into 'something more comfortable?'

*"ACCENTUATE!!"*

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Two psychiatrists were having lunch and talking about Freudian slips.

Shrink 1: Let me tell you about my Freudian slip when I ate dinner with my mother last night.

Shrink 2: Ooh yes, tell me.

Shrink 1: I meant to say, "Mom, please pass the salt "

Shrink 2: Yes, yes, what did you say instead?

Shrink 1: Well, I meant to say "Mom, please p...

You don’t hear much about nip slips anymore.

They’re falling out of fashion.

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If you feel like life is slipping through your fingers

Just stop masturbating.

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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50....

One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My head really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.”

His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply tell it the problem, put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose it and tell you what you can do about the issue you’re having. It only costs $...

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A British soldier returns from war after 4 years against the Germans.

His faithful wife, longing for sex all these years, dresses up in her sheerest lingerie, hoping to entice her returning husband. She waits by the door as her husband enters and her lingerie gently slips off her body and she stands there naked. “Darling, look what the wind blew away”, she says seduct...

In today’s European Championship soccer match, several players from the Czech Republic were seen slipping on the grass repeatedly in their loss to Denmark, while their Danish opponents didn’t seem to have an issue at all.

Must be an issue with Czechs and balances.

Soon after the General retired..., he decided he must do something different...

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...!

*He soon found himself on an island with no flagstaff, no batmen, no ADC, no club, no canteen, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.*

After about four months,...

Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor.

Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor. Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suctioned cupped herself to the floor.
She yelled out for her husband, "Bruce! Bruce!" and he came running in. "Bruce, I’ve bloody suctione...

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Freudian slips

Jeff and Bob were talking about Freudian slips

Jeff: Man I was trying to order two tickets to Pittsburgh from this big breasted woman and accidentally said "Two pickets to Tittsburgh!" I was mortified.

Bob: Oh, that's nothing. I tried to ask my wife Karen to pass the salt at dinner th...

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A gold one

Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50. Standing next to the cage the man asks, "I wonder why he is so cheap?" "Because I am defective," came the reply. "I've got no legs." A little surprised the man asked, "Well how do you stay on your perch?" The parrot draws him closer and whisp...

A dumb billionaire walks into a bar and orders a pint. The female bartender notices how attractive he is and slips him her number on a tissue.

" Preposterous! I could get laid for this much!"

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The Queen's breasts

The Queen's breasts

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.

Sid, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Sid revealed hi...

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This joke got me fired when I worked as a cook. Credit goes to Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling

A husband goes to his wife and says “You’re either going hunting with me, sucking my cock or I’m fucking you in the ass. I’m gonna go get the dogs ready and I’ll be back for your answer.”

After a bit of time, he returns to his wife who defiantly says to him “I’m not going hunting and there’s...

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[NSFW] Silently I slipped the condom over my erect

dick and unrolled it down the entire length of my throbbing shaft never once losing eye contact with the young woman as she stared at me in wide eyed, jaw dropping disbelief ...

Then breaking the silence I spoke ...

"Yes, that seems to fit alright, I'll take the whole packet please .....

Joke Johnny Carson slipped by the censors

I'm not sure if this was an original Carson joke or one he could have borrowed:

One night Johnny got to talking about his Nebraska roots and he told this alleged true story during a sketch scene. Johnny mentioned that the most fearsome Indian tribe were not the Sioux, nor the Apache or even ...

Two nuts were hanging out in a tree. One slipped and started to fall.

The other one said “Don’t worry man, I’m a cashew”

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Slip of the tongue

You know sometimes when you try to say something, but an unfortunate slip happens, and you say something different? Like the guy who went up to the airline counter wanting “two tickets to Pittsburgh”, but got flustered when he saw the beautiful ticket clerk, and accidentally said “two pickets to Tit...

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Freudian Slip

One friend says to the other "Wow dude, i have to tell you an embarrassing story"
"Sure..What is it?"
"Well, I just had the worst freudian slip experience. I recently had to go on a business trip to Pittsburgh and when I went to the counter in the airport to buy the ticket, the lady working ha...

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday...

She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results.

On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around.
As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35,"he replied.

"I'm actually 47," t...

Why did the yellow dragon keep slipping?

Banana for scale.

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What does a fruit fetishist and a guy who slips on a sidewalk have in common?

"Fucking banana peels!!"

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Freudian Slips

2 construction workers are standing at the pub. One of them says, 'Oh man, I made the worst freudian slip the other day!' The other one says, 'Why? What happened?' The first man says, 'I was buying a plane ticket to Pittsburgh, but the woman working the ticket stall had big boobs. I was going to say...

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Two women are walking home from the bar, they have to piss so they slip into a cemetary.

One uses her panties to wipe herself, the other uses a wreath off a head stone.
Next night husbands are at the bar, one looks at the other and says "I'm gonna have to watch my wife she came home with no panties on last night". The other one says "Oh well mine came home with a card wedged in her ...

A young couple get married and have their first night together in their new home.

As they are undressing for bed, the husband hands the wife his pants.

"Here, try these on," he says.

"What? Why?" she says.

"Just put them on," he insists.

"They're way too big," she says. "I can't wear those."

"That's right," he says. "I wear the pants in this ma...

Today's litigious culture is ridiculous. I was injured in a slip/trip/fall from a cardboard box.

I sued the box and won £5000 in corrugations.

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Freudian slips

A woman walks into her psychiatrist's office and says "Hey Doc, you know how we have been talking about Freudian slips? " "Well, I had the most amazing one last night". I was eating dinner with my wife, and I meant to say "would you please pass the salt dear?". But instead, I said "You God damn bitc...

What did the Beaver say when he slipped?

Damn it

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A woman in a jewelers admiring a big diamond ring. As she leans down for a closer look a little fart slips out. Hoping nobody noticed she asks "how much is that one?"

The jeweler says "Madam, if you farted looking at it, you'll shit yourself when I tell you the price"

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What do the mafia and a pussy have in common?

One slip of tongue, and you're in deep shit.

Joan, who was rather well-proportioned, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.

She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on ...

I just slipped on a banana skin.

I look ridiculous in it.

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I had a freudian slip this morning

Instead of asking my wife to pass the milk I accidently said "God damn it, bitch you’re ruining my life!"

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Joe rented an apartment and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

Joe smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. Poor Joe broke out into a sweat...

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What Rhymes with “Freudian slips”?

“My mother’s tits”, oh shit I meant to say paper clips

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Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians.

The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said," I think I'll get up and get a coke."

"No problem," said the attorney, "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney's shoe and s...

This quarantine has been going on so long, my relationship with the gym has been slipping.

I've had to start calling it the James again.

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A man and his friend are having coffee one morning when the friend brings up the definition of a Freudian slip...

A man and his friend are having coffee one morning when the friend brings up the definition of a Freudian slip. The man asks what this "Freudian Slip" is and his friend describes it as this: "It's when you mean to say one thing, but another word comes out. For instance, the other day I was trying to...

My daughter learned to count!

My daughter woke me around 11:50 last night. My wife and I had picked her up from her friend Sally's birthday party, brought her home, and put her to bed. My wife went into the bedroom to read while I fell asleep watching the Braves game.

"Daddy," she whispered, tugging my shirt sleeve. "Gues...

Two men are climbing a mountain. One of them slips and falls.

"Oh my god are you alive?!? Can you hear me?!?"

-- "Yes, I'm alive."

"Did you break your legs?"

-- "No, my legs are fine."

"Did you break your arms?

-- "No, they're OK."

"Well, thank goodness, climb back up!"

-- "I can't."

"Why not?"

-- ...

A man dies, standing before death. Death tells him that if he can beat him at a game, he can have his life back. The man thinks for a moment, asks for a slip of paper and a pen. He writes on the paper, folds it, and hands it back to death.

"The Game"

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Freudian slip

How many Freudians to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to change the lightbulb and one to hold the penis.

I mean the mother!
I MEAN THE LADDER!

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Australian Guy on honeymoon and his Wife slips and damages her pussy.

He calls his mate and explains what has happened, his mate says bummer mate, he replies fucking hell Bruce didn't think of that I owe you a beer.

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Nick had always wanted to own a motorcycle, which is why he leapt at the chance when a friend of a friend was selling his bike

The bike, despite being old, was in immaculate condition.

"How do you keep it so pristine?" asks Nick.

"Oh, it's easy! Any time it's about to rain, I just coat the body with vaseline, and the rain and mud just slips right off! Here, I'm not going to need it anymore, why don't you take ...

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At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter announces that due to overcrowding, only extremely gruesome deaths will be admitted into heaven today, sorry for any inconvenience.

The first man comes up and Pete says, "How did you die?"

"Well, I's been suspicious that me wife been cheating on me, so I comes home early from work today to catch her, I does. She acts all innocent, she does. She says, 'Go ahead, search the apartment if that will make you feel better,' she ...

This morning I slipped on a gum ball and landed on my face pretty hard.

Actually it was a jaw breaker

After a year of being clean, I slipped

I’m annoyed because I had to take another shower.

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Freudian slip

A man is sitting in the waiting area of a bus depot when another man sits next to him, shaking his head and gently chuckling. Unable to keep his amusement to himself, he turns to the first man and asks "have you ever had one of those moments where you mean to say one thing but you accidentally say s...

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A prostitute slipped on cum while servicing a man in an alley

She fell down and poked her eye on the man’s hard dick.

A witness told a policeman, “She looked a bit cockeyed.”

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Freudian Slip (possibly NSFW)

Two friends were chatting it up, as friends often do, when one brings up Freudian Slips. He says, ”The craziest thing happened to me the other day. I was going to the big game with my son, and we finally got up to the ticket window. You would not believe the size of the tits on the lady working the ...

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MEN'S HELP LINE - Letter of the Month

Hi John,

I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes h...

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Freudian Slip

A man walks up to the bar to order a pint. The barmaid comes to serve him. She is well endowed in a low cut top. He finds them distracting.
He says to the barmaid "Can I have a pint of breasts please?
Realising what he has said he apologizes and asks for a pint of Guinness. The barmaid passe...

There was once, in a small town, a man named Don.

One day Don was walking on top of a fence, and he slipped. When he slipped, the fence split him in half, right up the middle, but miraculously, each half of Don survived! Each half got up, started hopping away, and essentially started living separate lives.

The left half, more prone to rati...

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Freudian Slip

A guy is talking with his buddy and says I've been making alot of Freudian slips lately. The other day I was at the train station and there was a beautiful woman behind the ticket window with huge breasts. Instead of asking for a ticket to Pittsburgh I asked for a picket to Tittsburg.

Wow, sa...

A man suddenly appeared at the gates of Hell… (Story Joke)

He looked up to see the Devil sitting at a chair.

“Hello my friend,” The Devil said kindly, “How are you this fine eternity?”

“A bit confused,” the man replied, “I didn’t realise that I was dead.”

“I understand,” the Devil said sympathetically, “Why don’t you tell me how you go...

Sisters

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says, 'Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 15 mi.’

He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought.

Soon, he sees another sign tha...

I really hope this country doesn't slip into depression...

Because if it does Trump will make sure it is the *Greatest* depression it has ever seen.

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