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Suppress Jokes

The president of the US is threatening to send the military to suppress US citizens.

Looks like Americans are finally gonna get a taste of democracy and freedom.

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You should never suppress a fart.

It moves up the spine till it reaches your brain.
That's where shit ideas come from.

What’s the difference between depression and suppression

One is a gun to the head, another is a head to the gun

I asked my doctor what was the best cough suppressant medicine I could buy over the counter.

Laxatives.
I have since completely stopped coughing.

My wife has a sinus condition that suppresses her ability to detect odors

But she gets offended when I tell people that she doesn't smell good.

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Rude customer

Fellow walks into a bank.

He hasn’t had a haircut for some time. He is wearing a T shirt with food stains on it, a pair of jeans with holes and two unmatched sandals. He has a can of beer in one hand and a piece of paper in the other.

He gives a loud belch and yells « Service! »<...

"Of course I won't laugh."

Said the nurse. "I am a professional. In over 20 years of working here, I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay, then," Said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. In length and width, it was almost identical to a AAA battery.
...

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Probably the grossest joke I've ever heard.

late one evening a guy is closing up the restaurant he works at. He's sweeping floors and wiping tables, when there's a knock at the door. He opens the door and standing there is the filthiest bum he's ever seen. The bum says, "say fella, could you give me a fork?" Well the guy figures, what the hel...

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There was a gaming addict, a senator, and a show-off standing in front of the gates of heaven

The three of them then entered through the gate, following the signs, and arrived at a room where many people were queuing up. Suddenly, God appeared out of nowhere and said, 'Heaven is now overcrowded, so in order to be able to enter here, you will have to speak your true thoughts about yourselves ...

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A girl introduces her new boyfriend to her family

Her parents invite him for dinner at their home. They all sit down at the table, while the dog lies down under it, and they start eating.

At some point, the dude feels like he really needs to fart. He tries to suppress the awkward feeling, but he can't and farts a big one.

'Rufus!' ye...

A vain narcissist had his face disfigured in a horrible accident

A frenemy visited him in the hospital. “I’m sorry to inform you,” he said with glee, “but you’ve simply become the ugliest man I’ve ever seen. Maybe the ugliest in the entire world.”

The narcissist started crying, burying his face in his hands.

His frenemy, barely suppressing his satis...

I always seem to be telling jokes at the most inappropriate moments.

For years I've been attempting to suppress my gag reflex.

Smell

It was a particularly tough football game, and nerves were on edge. The home team had been the victim of three or four close calls, and they were now trailing the visitors by a touch-down and a field goal. When the official called yet another close one in the visitors' favor, the home quarterback bl...

The most heartbreaking thing to ever happen to me.

I was about to propose to my girlfriend one night when my housemate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere. He tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Now I didn’t know Joseph *that* well - hell don’t even remember where he was from, but I managed to suppress my frustration ...

An Economist went to a lingerie shop to buy a bra for his wife.

While he proudly announced to the Salesgirl that he is an Economist, he also confessed that only thing he knows about bra is 'how to unhook', and he really needed some expert help in making the purchase.



The Salesgirl asked, "Sir, you want a capitalistic, socialistic or democratic bra...

I am looking for other military jokes.

**What's The Difference?**

Do you want to know the difference between the branches of the U.S. military? If you say to them "Secure that building!"

* THE ARMY will go in kicking down doors, lay down suppressive fire, neutralize all hostiles and safely recover any civilians.
* THE...

How did Cinderella get to the ball?

By suppressing her gag reflex.

The country of Ohms is run by a brutal dictator.

Due to the suppression of their rights, the citizens of Ohms frequently rise up and attempt to storm the gates of the capital city. However, the dictator always has just the right number of mercenaries to repel the rebels and cause the survivors to disperse for a few months or so.

The dictat...

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An English teacher reminds her...

An English teacher reminds her students of the written test in her class tomorrow:


"Now, I don't want anyone to miss this important finals exam! I will not tolerate any excuse whatsoever for your absence--unless of course you had to go to the hospital because of a serious injury, or someo...

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One day Fred is sitting at his desk when he hears a voice in his head say "Quit your job, dump your fiance, sell your house and take all your money to Las Vegas."

Fred ignores the voice and goes back to work. Later that night he hears the voice again say "Quit your job, dump your fiance, sell your house and take all your money to Las Vegas." which he thinks about for a moment, then dismisses.

As the weeks went on, Fred started hearing the voice more an...

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Three Olympic athletes are at an elite training camp

The instructor was a tough, but attractive woman. She planned to give the athletes exercises that would make them beg for mercy



'What's your event?' she asked the first athlete


'Pole vault' he says


'You will spend the next hour pole vaulting!' barks the inst...

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A priest was assigned to a new church

He was really stressed out during his first mass; he could barely speak to the people. Before his second mass, he visited his superior and asked him how to suppress his nervousness. His superior told him to add some vodka into his water and after a few sips, he'd immediatly feel more relaxed.
...

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A nervous young man arrives for the first time at the house of his new girlfriend...

A nervous young man arrives for the first time at the house of his new girlfriend, and is greeted at the door by her father and Baron, the family dog. The young man is invited to sit in the living room to visit with the dad while his date is getting ready upstairs, and Baron wags his tail and sits ...

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A secret mission

There once was a janitor in the CIA building. One day as he's mopping the floor, he over hears a couple of new agents talking about a mission. He walks up and asks them if he could get in on it. After a couple of minutes of discussion they decide its alright. The two agents, the janitor, and a senio...

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An metropolitan Police officer gets demoted to Traffic duty in the middle of nowhere...

He’s furious about it. He sits in his car at the side of the highway, mumbling to himself angrily about his demotion, until he finally snaps. He turns on his lights and pulls over the first car that passes him. Slamming his door behind him, he marches up to the car and pounds on the window.
...

Just as the Count was about to pounce on van Helsing, the door to the library was flung open.

Incontinently, a host of furious villagers stormed into the library, waving blazing torches and voicing dire threats. The Count turned to leap on them, then reeled back, repelled at the reek of garlic that wafted from them like a solid thing.

"Count Dracula!" cried the burgomaster, a solid ci...

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Old joke my friend use to tell

A man was having a really horrible day, he lost his job, his wife left him and he decided to go to a bar that he'd never been to before. It was on the 42nd floor of a high-rise building, he goes he sets down and orders a drink. After a few moments a man down on the other side of the bar notices him ...

True Story of Joke Told at Ft Benning, GA

In class 92-1 of Infantry Officer Basic course we were in a large lecture hall in building 4 at Ft. Benning, GA. Desert Storm had just finished less than a year previously and we were one of the first classes of new infantry officers to get a look at all the cool intelligence from Iraq. We were th...

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An old man decides that he wants to see a bullfight before he dies.

Immediately upon arriving in Spain, the man makes his way to the arena, then cheers along with the crowd as he watches the matador fight the bull. For as much fun as it is, he soon realizes that the travel and the excitement have left him feeling worn out, so he decides to find a nearby restaurant b...

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Jean Jacques discovers that his wife has been unfaithful to him.

So he does what so many betrayed frenchmen have done before him, he swears off women and joins the French Foreign Legion. He completes the basic training and is posted to a mission in north Africa. His detachment are stationed out in the desert, hunting Islamist insurgents.
After a month, he i...

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