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Repress Jokes

I just got a repressed memory foam mattress.

It holds me just like my uncle used to.

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What do you call a sexually repressed bandit?

Rubbin' Hood

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Why is it detrimental to have a robot with repressed sexual interests?

It has some kinks to work out.

A normie mirror looks at a fun house mirror.

He feel repressed.

Why did the Escape key want to leave?

Because it kept being repressed.

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An Imam, Rabbi and Priest die in plane crash.

When they each meet their God, it is explained to them that this was a big mistake. Each one is given the opportunity to return to Earth in whatever form they choose.

The Imam says: "I've always greatly admired the Eagle, soaring so effortlessly on the wind. Poof! He is an Eagle riding therma...

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"I can't go back to that school"

I put down my book, \*The Art of the Unseen\*, to examine the fiery young lad before me. "What happened, son?"

"They took one look at me, and started calling me 'Ginger'!"

I sighed, admitting, "I'd hoped they wouldn't notice. What did you do?"

"Well, Dad, you've taught me to al...

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This is as good a day as any to post this old one...

An older catholic priest is sweeping up between the pews after mass when a very attractive scantily clad young woman rushes into the church. She is visibly upset as she runs up to the priest, holding her face in her hands and sobbing.

Although the priest noticed her ample physique and skim...

Every time I lie down on my new bed, all the embarrassing moments of my like come flooding back to me.

I shouldn’t have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.

I have been trying Chinese medicine for depression for about two months now

I think its working. My tears have certainly been repressed.

I studied the cantaloupe joke

I’ve done it! I studied the origin of the cantaloupe joke. Then I then fact checked it into the night, and oh my God, it works on every level! I now present to you, the cantaloupe joke, and why it works.

Why must a melon get married in a church and nowhere else?
…
…
Because, due to i...

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A guy decides he wants to join the local monestary...

He talks to the head monk, who explains in addition to the vows of poverty, celibacy and silence, there is a special test.

The man must stand naked in a room with a bell tied to his penis. They run a naked nun through the room. If his bell makes a peep, he cannot join. The current monks must ...

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I'm done. Guys, I'm fucking sick of this. I'm almost 20 and haven't been able to score a better job than a fucking cook at a local fast food joint.

What makes it worse is that I live in a small town, so business is pretty limited and where I work is the only place that'll hire high school graduates.

I'd get the hell out of this town if I could actually drive too, but I've failed every damn test I've ever taken.

I'm socially awkwa...

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A communist spy and an American spy are camping out in opposite buildings on Moscow.

Each one knows the other is there but thinks the other does not know that they are there. After hours of spying each one decides they need to go out for some fresh air. However, since both would be easily recognized they decide to put on disguises. The Communist, a female, puts on an elaborate mal...

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