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Billy and his girlfriend wanted to fool around in bed, but Billy's little brother was asleep in the bottom bunk...

Billy said, "Let's use a code, so if little Johnny wakes up, he doesn't know what's going on. If you want me to go harder, say 'Tomato,' and if you want me to go faster, say 'Lettuce.'"
So Billy and his girlfriend started having sex. Billy's girlfriend started moaning, "Lettuce.... Tomato...." An...

An elderly man visited his doctor and asked if he’ll live to be a hundred.

“Do you smoke or drink?” asks the doctor.

“Those things have never and will never touch my lips,” says the man.

“Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?”

“Nope, don’t believe in doing any of that, either.”

“Well then,” says the doctor, “what do you wan...

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I've always wanted to fool around with another guy...

But I guess I'm not cocky enough. Or maybe I just haven't found the balls to do it.

First time buying protection.

A young boy goes to the pharmacy to buy protection.

The pharmacist is a young, attractive girl. He asks her for a pack of condoms.

She gives it to him, but asks “Why do you look so confused?”

He says “I’ve never used them before.”

So she seductively rolls one onto her t...

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Somewhere in Siberia

Note: translated from another language(dirty)

Long

Siberia, it's super cold,freezing, a man is crawling, struggling hard, he's on a verge of death. Suddenly he sees a light not far out. Using his last bit of strength he reaches a small house. Knocks on a door. No answer. He opens the d...

While going through his wife's dresser drawers, a farmer discovered three soybeans.

While going through his wife's dresser drawers, a farmer discovered three soybeans and an envelope containing $30 in cash.
The farmer confronted his wife, and when asked about the curious items, she confessed:
"Over the years, I haven't been completely faithful to you."
"When I did fool ar...

She's single... lives right across the street and I can see her place from my kitchen window! I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on the door!

I opened the door, she looked at me and said: “I just got home, and I have this strong urge to go dancing and drinking, and maybe fool around a little....you know, have some fun. Are you doing anything tonight?"  I quickly replied: "Nope, I'm free!" - "Great!" She said.   “Can you look after my dog...

A guy walks into a bar...

At the other end of the bar, he sees a sailor with a head the size of an orange. Curious, he puts a few drinks back and builds up the courage to ask the guy what happened.

Sailor: Many years ago, I was on a ship that capsized on a deserted island. When I came to, I heard a whimpering sound co...

One Sunday morning...

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan."

After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at ...

Guy walks into a doctor's office, he says he wants to live to 90.

Doctor: "Do you drink alcohol?"

Man: "No"

Doctor: "Smoke marijuana?"

Man: "No"

Doctor: "Do any other drugs or partying?"

Man: "No"

Doctor: "Fool around with a lot of loose women?"

Man: "No"

Doctor: "...what to you want to live to 90 for?"

Fred

A man gets pulled over by a cop for speeding.

The cop asks him, "what is your name?"

The man replies "Fred."

The cop asks "What's your last name."

"I don't have one."

The cop is unsure of how this is, so he asks "Why don't you have a last name?"

The man begi...

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Measurements

A man and his wife were outside their house doing yardwork. The husband looked over at his wife bent over her flower bed and said "ya know honey, I never really noticed how big your ass is. Why, I bet it's just as wide as the range on the grill." To prove his point, the man went and grabbed the tape...

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BABY POWDER

It's after dinner when this guy realizes he's out of cigarettes. He decides to pop down to the corner bar for a pack, telling his wife he'll be right back.

The bartender offers him a draft on the house and he decides he has time for just one. He's nursing it along when a gorgeous blonde come...

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Two Italian brothers are in a hospital room while one of them is dying

Giuseppe and Arnaldo are sitting in the hospital room that will be Arnaldo's last room to occupy. They're both grief stricken and unsure of what to do.

Giuseppe decides to make him an offer.

"Arnaldo, my brother... I live you very much. I want to fulfill your dying wish. Name one thing...

Why was the idiot going in circles?

He liked to fool around.

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A pair of 18 year old twin brothers live together on a farm in the middle of nowhere...

The house is small so they have to sleep in the barn. One night there's a terrible rainstorm and a beautiful young woman asks for shelter for the night. She's told to sleep in the barn with the brothers.

The young woman decides that she wants to fool around with the brothers, but can tell the...

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A drunkard's curiosity

It's a typical day in England; overcast and raining. A older man is enjoying his day off by drinking on his porch and watching travelers enter and exit the city.

Across the street is a young gentleman, handsome, and obviously good with the ladies, because every time a pretty young lass happe...

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A couple in an old folks home

There was a social night planned at an old folks home. There was dancing, a punch bowl, snacks, etc... It was a pretty tame event.

Two of the residents, an elderly man and elderly woman were bored and decided that they needed more excitement so they snuck off to a utility closet so they could...

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