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Crazy Jokes

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The crazy lamp

A doctor visits 3 of his patients in a mental asylum.

He sees patient 1 reading a book and says, "Wow, you're improving."

Patient 1 says, "I'm just reading a book."

He then sees patient 2 writing and says, "Wow, you're improving too."

Patient 2 says, "I'm just writing ...

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“A divorced dad, a Nazi, and a crazy person walk into a bar…”

The bartender looks up from polishing a glass and says “Oh, hi Kanye.”

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My wife suggested we watch some porn to spice things up. I put on “Crazy Anal Chicks vol. 4”

But it was just a bunch of women yelling at me to do the dishes, put my shoes on the entranceway mat, and hang the towels on the rack

I'm a 5G installation engineer and people are constantly accusing me with bizarre conspiracy theories, such as how 5G is giving them headaches, or killing their sperm. I think they are completely crazy.

4G must've fried their brains.

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The zoo’s female gorilla was going crazy, and the vet on staff had a grave prognosis. “She’s in her mating season, and after a lifetime of captivity, if she doesn’t mate, she’ll die.”

The zoo administrator was in a bind. There was just no money to transport in a male gorilla for mating to take place. So he decided humans where close enough to gorillas. Someone would have to fuck the gorilla.

After going through all options, offering as much money as the zoo could afford, ...

A chemist froze himself at -273.15 °C, everyone said he was crazy

He was 0K

Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates

They will kill your dog

A guy wanted his wife dead so he hired Crazy Arti to murder her. Arti said he would do it for a dollar because, well, he's crazy.

The husband said she always goes to the grocery store on Thursday so they decided to do it then. The day came and unbeknownst to Arti, the wife brought her friend with her so he strangled them both inside the grocery. The headline in the local newspaper the following day said...

ARTICHOKES ...

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Convincing your girlfriend that she's crazy is called gaslighting and it's a dick move.

Convincing her that she's a robot with artificial intelligence and implanted memories is called bladerunning and it's a Philip K. Dick move.

is it crazy how saying sentences backwards . . .

. . .create backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?

It's crazy that the service industry expects 25% tips.

At that point, they should just call it intercourse.

4 men are in the hospital waiting room waiting for their babies The nurse walks in and tells the first man: "Congratulations you're having twins." The man responds: "That's a crazy coincidence, i work for the Minnesota twins."

The nurse tells the second man: "Congratulations you're having triplets."

The man responds: "That's a crazy coincidence, i work for the 3M company."

The nurse tells the third man: "Congratulations You're having quadruplets."

The third man responds: "That's a crazy coincidence i ...

If you’re being chased by a crazy taxidermist

Don’t play dead

A Crazy Man Walks Into His Psychiatrist's Office

Completely naked & wrapped in saran wrap...

His Psychiatrist takes one look and says,

....."Wow! I can clearly see your nuts."

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the man his drink and the man asks "If I show you something crazy, would let me have free drinks for the rest of the night?"

The bartender thinks for a minute and then says "It would to be something spectacular to take that offer." The man leans down and picks up a box and sets it on the bar. He opens the box and inside is a small piano man, whom is only 1 foot tall, and beside him a little piano. The piano man starts pla...

People say horse girls are crazy…

…but I’ve always found them rather stable.

Did you hear about the crazy guy that only kills on trains?

I was told he has a loco motive.

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How are you all holding up? It's crazy out there!

I've killed at least fifteen zombies so far!

- Why the fuck are they all carrying candy?!

Crazy Story

A crow showed up at my window and he spoke to me. He said, “Your grandmother will die tomorrow”. So, I told my family, and they looked at me like I was crazy. The next day when I walked downstairs, I see my mother and father grieving. I asked what was wrong and my father told me that my grandmother ...

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Just be careful because people are going crazy from being in lock down!

Actually I've just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and we all agreed that things are getting bad.

I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything.

Certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold...

Back in the day I used to weightlift like crazy.

I'm a history buff

That rabbi's gone crazy! He's been running around a circumcising all kinds of lettuce...

and that's just the tip of the iceberg.

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It's crazy how sexist the postal service is.

I guess that's natural with such a mail dominated industry.

Crazy Bob

Bob left work one Friday evening.

But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with his mates and spending his entire wages.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two h...

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Judge: "Micky, I can't grant you a divorce from Minnie Mouse, because she is not crazy"

"I didn't say she was crazy Judge, I said she was fucking Goofy"

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What do you call it when a woman sucks on the balls of a crazy person?

A nut job

Did you hear about the crazy person that that fell into the French river?

He was in Seine.
(Ignore the second that)

People say I'm crazy for trying to invent a mind-controlled air freshener...

but it makes scents when you think about it.

Grandma yells across the room: "Billy, what's the name of that german guy who drives me crazy?"

"It's Alzheimer, grandma".

What's four inches long, two inches wide, and drives women crazy?

An empty toilet paper roll.

"Sam...I thought you were a little crazy when you said you invented Plexiglas underwear, but now that you're wearing them..."

"...I can clearly see your nuts..."

Husband: Honey, I invited a friend home for dinner. Wife: What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, all the dishes are dirty, and I can't cook meal. Husband: I know all that. Wife: Then why did you invite the friend?

Husband: Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married.

I feel bad for people who have to take drugs to go crazy.

Whenever I wanna go crazy I just stop taking mine.

I know what happened to that crazy frog!

Fame went to it's head. It went so crazy It had to be Kermitted.

Crazy bearded man

A passenger on a cruise ship sees a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands. "Who is it?" the passenger asks the captain.

"I've no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes mad."

My best friend calls me his crazy friend...

Jokes on him... all my friends are imaginary...

It's crazy how many people are talking about the Oscars across all my social media feeds

Everything is popping up everywhere, all at once

Did you hear about the crazy Mexican train thief?

He had loco motives.

Tickled my little sisters foot last night and mom went crazy about it…

Something about waiting until she’s born

My wife and I have come to the mutual agreement that we do not want children. And the judgement that is coming at us from family, friends, co-workers, it's just crazy.

And the kids aren't taking it very well either.

What do you call a crazy bike lane?

A cyclepath.

Crazy Dude

In an insane asylum, a doctor is walking around watching the crazy people when he spots one crazy dude leaning towards a wall, with his hear against it.

The doctor approaches the crazy patient and says "What are you doing there?"

The crazy patient answers "SHHHHHH! Come over and listen...

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crazy right?

A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.

The cop asks the woman, “Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?”

She replies, “Well, there’s a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bat...

Called my wife on her cell to warn her about this crazy driver on the news who’s speeding down the highway in the wrong direction.

She replied: “I know! There’s like hundreds of them!”

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Mickey and Minnie Mouse Are in Divorce Court

The Divorce Court Judge has just finished reviewing Mickey's petition for divorce when he says to Mickey, "Now let me get this straight, you say you want to divorce Minnie Mouse because she's crazy?".

Mickey, visibly upset and very emotional responds to the judge: "No, No, No Your Honor. I d...

What do you call 5 crazy people singing

The Wackson 5

My crazy neighbour rang my doorbell aggressively at 3 A.M.

I almost dropped my drilling machine!

I almost went crazy when I got Covid, but if I get the monkeypox

I will go bananas.

guys are all like “i want a crazy gf”

then all of a sudden they’re all mad at you like “how did you find my location” “why are you stalking my kindergarten girlfriends mom on facebook” “you can’t chain me up and force me to be your boyfriend”

like omfg pick a side

Offering corpses for free isnt just a sign that someone might be crazy

It's a dead giveaway

It's crazy. One minute you're getting drunk as a skunk, then next thing you know, you're in the back of an ambulance.

I really shouldn't be a paramedic.

My roommate thinks i'm crazy

Jokes on him i don't have a roommate.

“Doctor,” a man told his psychiatrist, “my wife thinks I’m crazy because I like sausages.”

“That’s nonsense,” said the psychiatrist. “I like sausages myself.”

“You do!” the man shrieked. “You should come and see my collection I’ve got thousands!”

Want to hear a story of a woman who goes crazy every month?

Period. End of story.

Two crazy people are by the pool in an asylum...

One of them falls in, the other quickly jumps in and saves him.

The doctor later meets the saviour and says "we've assessed your situation and believe you're qualified to leave the asylum based on your rational deeds. However I regret to inform you that the man you saved hung himself in the s...

Two crazy guys meet

-Hey dude, let me hit a nail in your forehead
-You think I'm crazy?! What if you miss the nail and hit my head?

Why did the accountant go crazy?

He started to hear invoices in his head.

What happened when the Bank teller went crazy?

All I got was non cents.

Reporter to the old guy sitting next to his wife: "what's your secret for 80 years of happy and successful marriage?"

The old man replied "i'm gonna tell you a story, 75 years ago we were on a trip, we were horseback riding just ive two of us, out of nowhere her horse went crazy and throw her off on the ground, she calmly got up, cleared herself of dust and facing ive horse said "that's one" then got back on the ho...

This election is crazy.

One candidate has a Trump card. The other is just Biden his time. There's a lot of Harrisment between the the two of them and I don't think it looks good on either of them, that's just my 2 Pence though.

Ate some weird mushrooms last night and somehow ended up in a Mazda car sales yard tripping like crazy....

Shroom Shroom.

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"Hey, what are you gonna do with those crazy crystal rocks??"

Nothing... why don't you mine your own bismuth

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What did the Slavic man say before he did a crazy stunt?

Czech this shit out

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Crazy people in a mental institution

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophiliac, a zoophiliac and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.

"Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophiliac.

"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it?" says the sadist.

"Let's have sex with the ca...

What kind of trails does a crazy person travel?

Psychopaths. (I hate myself)

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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once.

TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to sal...

I told my parents about a crazy job I wanted to take for minimum wage.

They said:
That makes absolutely no cents.

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Two guys are talking about sex with their girlfriends.

Says the first guy: “Dude, have you ever tried doing it in the other hole?” His buddy is outraged: “Are you crazy? She could get pregnant that way!”

I, for one, support these crazy killers dressing up like clowns.

It was a lot harder to see them coming when they were dressing like cops.

People who vaccinate their kids are crazy!

Hell no, I didn’t vaccinate my son! Are you out of your mind!? I had a doctor do it!

People said I was crazy for getting mixed vaccines

But I like to think of myself as a Modern-izer

Two ways of driving someone crazy;

One is stopping in mid-sentence and

Nicolas Cage might be crazy

But you gotta admit, the man is a national treasure

It’s crazy how expensive mirrors can be

They really make you reflect

What do you call a crazy female astronaut?

A lunachick.

Someone said, if you think 2020 is crazy

Wait till that MF turns 21 and start drinking

Yo' mama's so crazy...

whenever she runs , she takes a psycho-path

Crazy

A guy went to visit his girlfriend's parents to ask for her hand in marriage. Her father said, "Okay, but just to warn you, there's a long history of insanity in my family. My daughter shows no signs of it, but who knows about the future or any children you might have."

Somewhat shaken up...

Pirates get some crazy deals in the mall.

For example, they can get piercings for just a buccaneer.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy

I wanted a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

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A girl was crazy about 69 position...

But she haven't tried the position with her new boyfriend. So she invites him to a romantic dinner. After the dinner she tells her boyfriend about her desire for it. But her boyfriend was clueless about such acts. So she tell him to strip naked on the couch and lay on top of him naked in the 69 posi...

What's the difference between being crazy and being eccentric?

Your bank account.

100 is a nice round number

The European is visiting the United States for the first time: So how many cents in a dollar?

The American: 100, of course

The European: 100? Why not 62, or 37?

The American: 62? What are you talking about? It's 100. Of course, it is. It's a nice round number and easy to calcula...

Back then, girls used to chase after me like crazy.

But I no longer steal handbags.

I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram....

I was like, 0mg

A joke nobody has heard before because I made it up!

There was a man who made himself an outfit completely out of knives. Everywhere he went, any man who saw his outfit said he looked good but any woman who saw him went completely insane! Why?

It's because every girl goes crazy for a sharp-dressed man.

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An old funny joke about some some crazy bastards

See, there were these two guys in a lunatic asylum.and one night, one night they decide they don't like living in an asylum any more.

They decide they're going to escape! So, like, they get up onto the roof, and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretchin...

What do you call a crazy Vampire!!

Count Crackula...

Sometimes my Pillow Talk can get crazy.

But only when it talks back.

You know what they say, you're not crazy you can talk to yourself you're just crazy if you respond

You're not wrong about this one

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door...

She heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'

The daughter replied: 'Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get ...

Did you know that Coco Chanel had a crazy brother?

Loco Chanel

It's crazy that they only have one unit of measurement in North Korea.

A supreme liter

Completed in 1856, Big Ben was designed by architects Charles Barry and Augustus Welby Pugin and took 13 years to build.

Which is crazy long considering they were working around the clock.

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NSFW An elephant has a splinter stuck in her foot, and it's driving her crazy.

NSFW

She can't move much and is in a miserable state. Along comes a mouse.

"Please, Mr. Mouse, take this splinter out of my foot so I'm not in so much pain" says the elephant.

The mouse rubs his chin, "on one condition"

"Anything" says the elephant

"I want to have...

The entire neighborhood got together to discuss what to do about that crazy guy on our street ...

... I'm a bit annoyed that I was the only one not invited.

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2020 has been bat shit crazy so far

Literally

I am not crazy...

2 out of every 3 voices inside of me says so.

Someone told me crazy chicks are amazing in bed.

At least I know I'm sane.

"MOM!!!! Dad's gone crazy...."

He's throwing things out of the windoooooooooooooo....

Crazy Neighbor!

Husband comes home early from work to surprise his wife and finds her naked in the bedroom breathing heavy.

He asks whats going on and she says, "Umm..I think I'm having a heart attack".

OMG - he runs downstairs to call 911 and his daughter yells to him "Daddy! There's a naked man in ...

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2 Crazy people meet at a mental asylum

Crazy person 1: I am jesus, god told me that in my dreams

Crazy person 2: fuck no I didn't tell you that

We've just found out something crazy about your grandpa, he's just like Walter White!

Was not a fun way to be told that he has lung cancer

I told my Dad that crazy people have taken over the White House

He said, "So nothing new then"

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man a...

The weather in London is crazy right now.

It's the middle of January, but it feels like the end of May.

Everyone thinks it's crazy that Jesus walked on water...

But no one ever mentions that Steven Hawking ran on batteries.

How do you drive President Trump crazy?

Tell him you placed evidence of voter fraud in the corner of his office.

I tried to collect some wool and milk from my farm and the animals went crazy.

It was shear and udder panic.

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