I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless...

I was like 0mg

I did something crazy the other day...

...I used the toilet without playing on my smartphone.

Instead I played with myself.

Crazy ex girlfriends are like a box of chocolates.

They'll kill your dog

Did you hear about the girl who went crazy from doing mushrooms all the time?

She became a little spore addict.

What do you call a crazy superhero?

_Super Nuts_

How does a crazy person find their way out of the woods?

They take the psycho path.

A man goes to see the doctor and says : "I think im going crazy!!! I'm wearing cling wrap for underwear!"

The doctor says : "yes i can clearly see your nuts!"

What do you call when a cat's doing crazy stunts?

Purrkour

Yo' mama's so crazy...

whenever she runs , she takes a psycho-path

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A crazy guy outside my work has been wearing a “The end is near!” sign every day for the last 2 months.

Fuckin’ false advertising.

It's Halloween and everyone's out trick-or-treating. A bartender is working the late-night shift at the bar. He looks outside and sees everyone in crazy costumes. He sighs and picks up a glass and starts cleaning it. At around midnight, a guy in a vampire costume walks in and sits at the bar.

He says to the bartender "Hi. I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."
The bartender looks at him skeptically. "No you're not. You're just wearing a costume."
"No, no, really," he insists. "I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."
"Alright," the bartender say...

My friends always say not to touch crazy girls with a ten foot pole.

Well that’s okay because mine is only like 4.5 inches.

Isn’t it crazy how many boomers love 1911s?

It’s like that gun has a Colt following!

The guy who invented the vibrator was bat $hit crazy.

The voices in his head said “Build it and they will cum”.

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During the 60’s Michael Caine hosted some really wild parties. At one such party he had all the coolest people there, taking drugs, drinking and having a crazy time.

‘Alright jim’ he said to Jim Morrisson ‘are you and the boys enjoying the party?’. ‘Yeah its great, man’. ‘Well its going to get better. Ive got a girl in the bedroom who will suck all your dicks’ said Caine ‘Really? That’s great!’ replied Morrisson. So he and the band went into Michael’s bedroom....

My friend is crazy, he’s constantly riding his bike on a bicycle trail.

He’s a psychopath on a cycle path.

Three people, named Crazy, Nothing and Nobody, are working on the roof.

Suddenly, Nobody falls off.
"Quick!" Nothing says. "Call an ambulance!"
So Crazy pulls out his phone, dials 911 and says: "Hi. I'm Crazy. I'm calling for Nothing, because Nobody fell off the roof!"

Its crazy how much people love Ford Mustangs

I hear they're a real hit with the crowd

What do you call a crazy blood sucking insect?

A lunatick!

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Adolf Hitler and my wife have the same birthday. It's crazy to think that such a loathsome figure, who ruined the lives of so many people...

Shares the same birthday as Adolf Hitler.

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What does a crazy caterpillar create in order to turn into a butterfly? [OC]

A cuckoo-n!

A guy bursts into a gas station laughing like crazy

Gas station manager asks him what's so funny.

Guy says "There's a blonde outside trying to open her car door with a coathanger through the window"

"I know, I gave her the coat hanger, she locked herself out of her car" says the gas station manager.

Guy stops, then bursts into ev...

I kept hearing some crazy stuff was happening in Hong Kong so I looked it up.

According to Beijing, it's as calm as a June Summer's day in Tiananmen Square.

Tickled my little sister's foot this morning. Mom went crazy about it.

Something about waiting until she's born.

It's crazy to think that we have scientists that can make hamburgers out of plants. These possibilities are just...

Beyond meat

Medical advances these days are absolutely crazy. They've found ways to activate taste buds in people who were born without the sense. Surprisingly most people don't like it at first.

Its an acquired taste.

is it crazy how saying sentences backwards...

creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is

Crazy, nothing and no-one

Crazy, Nothing and no-one are sitting in a boat. After a big wave no-one falls out out the boat! “Quickly, call an ambulance!” Shouts nothing.
Crazy calls 911 and says: “help! I’m crazy, i am calling for nothing, because no-one fell out of the boat!”

Anyway this joke was really funny in ...

So some crazy golfer snapped and stabbed a Mexican guy...

It was a hole in Juan.

They say girls go crazy if you can play the guitar.

Well she left when she heard I was looking for A flat and had tried to get my fingers in A minor. All I really needed was Gsus.

I went to a crazy Amish strip club.

It was bonnetless.

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Two Jews die and wait outside the pearly gates.

While waiting they realise that they both survived the same concentration camp.

After some chatting, one says to the other: "remember that time when the guard pushed you onto the electric fence and you almost died?" A second of silence passes and suddenly they both start laughing hystericall...

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Some crazy asshole cut me off while driving to work this morning.

I damned near spilt my cereal all over the book I was reading!

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A man walks into a bar...

He sits down next to a guy with a peg leg, a metal hook for a hand, and an eyepatch.

He orders a beer, looks at the guy next to him, and asks "What are you supposed to be, a pirate?"

"Yarr, I am" replies the pirate.

"You must have some crazy stories about your leg, your hand, an...

"MOM!!!! Dad's gone crazy...."

He's throwing things out of the windoooooooooooooo....

Being a helicopter pilot is a crazy job

It has it's ups and downs

What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives a woman crazy?

Money

My friend is crazy, he told me he is going to bring a bulletproof vest to school

For real though, noone is going to shoot back anyways.

You shouldn't vaccinate yourself, why would you, you crazy people.

You're supposed to let a doctor do it for you.

Why do all professional sperm donors go crazy?

Cause it’s a nut job

Crazy

A guy went to visit his girlfriend's parents to ask for her hand in marriage. Her father said, "Okay, but just to warn you, there's a long history of insanity in my family. My daughter shows no signs of it, but who knows about the future or any children you might have."

Somewhat shaken up...

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The husband leans over and asks his wife

"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it ...

Did you know that 38% of American women are on medications for being some form of crazy?

This is terrifying because that means that 62% of American women are walking around unmedicated!

One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the fine weather.

The day was so nice that she became careless and a fox snuck up behind her and caught her.

"I am going to eat you for lunch," said the fox.

"Wait," replied the rabbit, "You should at least wait a few days."

"Oh yeah? Why should I wait?"

"Well, I am just finishing my thesi...

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Mickey and Minnie Mouse we’re getting a divorce. The judge asked Mickey, “Let me get this straight, you’re divorcing Minnie because she’s crazy?” “No, your honor,” he says.

“I’m divorcing her because she’s fucking Goofy.”

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my birthday party was crazy, filled with booze, fighting and sex

still, Im never inviting my uncle over again

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(NSFW) So my girlfriend is crazy horny

And we went out to a restaurant. They brought mints with the check. That gave her the idea that I should have mints instead of pineapple juice, so my cum would taste minty, and my cum would be her end of a meal mints. So I started eating all sorts of mints for a few weeks.

One day we're ge...

I think my eye doctor is crazy

She always asks me if I see things

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Fall was upon a remote reservation when the Indian tribe asked their new Chief what the coming winter was going to be like.

The modern-day Chief had never been taught the secrets of the ancients. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Better safe than sorry, he said to himself and told his tribe that the winter was indeed expected to be cold and that the members of the vil...

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Bill had finally had it with his wife...

During a poker game one night, Bill, about four beers deep, tells his buddies that he’s had it with his wife and has decided to hire someone to kill her for $1,000

The other guys laugh, assuming that he’s joking, and Larry says “Shit, my buddy Artie just got out of prison and he’s the meanest...

I saw a guy at the flower store. He was trying to pick the perfect bouquet for his wife. He said “It’s crazy how much money you gotta spend on something that’s just going to die.”

I said “I know... And you gotta buy them flowers...”

A man was walking home down a dark street at night. As he was walking, he heard this thumping....

He stopped and looked, and there was nothing there. It seemed to have stopped. He continued on. Then he heard more thumping, and he knew he wasn't crazy. He turned, and what he saw horrified him. A coffin was thumping after him! He ran. The coffin on his tail. He ran to his house. He closed and lock...

Two blondes are working at a warehouse...

One blonde, tired of working, says to the other: “Watch this, I’m going to act crazy so that the boss will send me home.”

She climbs up the racking and hangs from the rafters yelling “I’M A LIGHTBULB, I’M A LIGHTBULB, I’M A LIGHTBULB!!”

“What are you doing?! Get down from there and GO ...

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Did you hear about the crazy squirrel with a food fetish?

He was fucking nuts.

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It's crazy that some people are so horny that they are willing to have car sex in a public parking lot

That's why they call it sex drive

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I wanted a second opinion...

He said okay, you’re ugly too.

A crazy guy went inside a police station

A crazy guy went inside a police station and stole all the K-9 units' leashes. Police says they have no leads

The Hairdresser

A New York woman was at her East Side hairdresser's getting her hair styled prior to a trip to Rome with her boyfriend. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go Rome? It's crowded and dirty and, worse yet, full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Ro...

I’m tired of people calling me crazy because I’m talking to myself. It’s just not true.

I’m talking to the dead dog and old woman that follow me around.

I’m going to freeze myself at a temperature of -273.15 degrees celsius.

My friend thinks I’m crazy, but I’ll be 0K.

The weather in London is crazy right now.

It's the middle of January, but it feels like the end of May.

Two friends are talking on the day after St. Patrick’s Day. “I had a crazy night,” the first friend says.

“I got really drunk at the bar and, you’re never going to believe this, I took a bus home.”

“How’s that a big deal?” his friend asks.

“Well,” the first friend explains, “up until yesterday I’d never driven a bus before.”

So the conductor goes crazy when one of the musicians hits a wrong note

and jumped down and stabs him with his baton killing him. He's given the death penalty. For his last meal he wants a dozen bananas. They hit the switch on the electric chair and nothing happens. They explain that they have to let him go free. He gets his job back at the orchestra and the next perfor...

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A man put his dick in crazy.

He's just fucking insane.

They say calling people crazy is like being racist now.

All those people I bit at the mall ought to be ashamed of themselves.

Did you hear about the group of thieves who took on took much work and went crazy?

The robber band got stretched too thin and snapped.

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2 Crazy people meet at a mental asylum

Crazy person 1: I am jesus, god told me that in my dreams

Crazy person 2: fuck no I didn't tell you that

Two construction workers are working on a street

The first worker turns to the second and says,

“ I don’t want to work anymore, I will act crazy so the manager sends me home early”.

He then proceeds to tie himself by the feet and swings around shouting,

“ Im a lightbulb, I’m a lightbulb!”

Sure enough, the manager te...

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A Japanese man, French man and a redneck are sitting at a bar. The subject get around to sex and what they to drive their wife crazy.

The Japanese man: After we make love, I softly massage my wife's breasts. It drives her crazy.

The French man: After we make love, I kiss her eyes, then her breasts, then her sweet spot. It drives her crazy.

The redneck: After I jump the old ladies bones, I get up and wipe my dick of...

"Say, you and your wife... did you ever put it in the other hole?"

"Are you crazy, man? She'd get pregnant!"

I had a crazy dream last night! I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda...

... but it turned out it was just a Fanta sea...

Why do crazy people perform terrible handjobs?

They can’t get a grip.

Customer to sales girl, I'm here for the crazy pant's half off sale.

Salesgirl, Yes I know....I can clearly see your nuts.

I have this crazy conspiracy theory about wells.

Its pretty deep.

How do you make a blonde go crazy?

Put her in a round room and tell her to stand in a corner!

Why do girls go crazy for guitarists?

Because they're good with their fingering and they know their way around a G-string

Technology is crazy these days

We now have smartphones, wireless TVs, and tablets.
When I was a kid we had to blow everything. The Nintendo cartridge, the mouse with that ball inside, the priest.

Hey, I just met you and this is crazy But here's my number, so call me maybe

Hi maybe, I'm dad.

Did you hear about the train conductor that went crazy and killed everyone?

They say he had a loco motive.

What's the difference between crazy and genius?

A psych degree.

I once had a crazy drunken night in Barcelona...

It was inspain.

I used to wonder why the world was so crazy

Then I realized that it was bipolar.

My wife said it was "crazy and impossible" when I told her I wanted to make a car out of spaghetti...

You should have seen her face as I drove pasta!

A Mexican gang member stole a train for some crazy reason...

Police still don't know anything besides the fact that he has a loco motive.

If my wife thinks I'm obsessed with programming, she's crazy.

Endif

I tried ventriloquism once but everyone thought I was crazy.

Possibly because I forgot to bring my dummy.

It’s crazy how fast milk trucks are driven these days...

One blink and they’ve gone pasteurise.

If you take a shower with your clothes on, it shows you're crazy.

If you take a shower with your clothes off, it shows your nuts.

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Convincing your girlfriend she's crazy or paranoid is called gaslighting, and it's a dick move.

But convincing her she's a robot with artificial implanted human emotions is called bladerunning. It's a Phillip K. Dick move.



Edit: Source > Nathan Anderson

via /u/GoodLordigans

Called my wife on her cell to warn her about this crazy driver on the news who’s speeding down the highway in the wrong direction.

She replied: “I know! There’s like hundreds of them!”

My account said I'm crazy for investing all my money in my idea of building a business that offers a boxing gym, a dentist, and a manicurist all under one roof.

But I told him I'm going to fight tooth and nail for it. Now if I could just think of a clever name for it, I'd be all set.

A woman went to the psychiatrist, and once she got there, she approached the psychiatrist and said "Doctor, I think my husband is crazy, he's talking to the lamp"

He asked, "that's crazy, how do you know that?

"The lamp told me about it"

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How are you all holding up? It's crazy out there!

I've killed at least fifteen zombies so far!

- Why the fuck are they all carrying candy?!

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The cops in my town are looking for a crazy man. He was last seen having sex with a laundry machine.

Nut screws washer and bolts.

I said to my psychiatrist, "My wife thinks I'm crazy because I like sausages." He replied, "I don't think you're crazy. I like sausages too."

"Really?!" I shouted. "You should come over to my house and see my collection!"

[My 7-year old made this up] What do you call a crazy donkey?

Re-donkeyous

With how crazy stressful running the US is;

It's amazing Putin has time for Russia.

My crazy friend told to me to stop making low hanging fruit jokes....

So now I go for the coconuts

Where did Ozzy's Crazy Train get its power?

*Loco*motion

My crazy friends...

My crazy friends won't eat garbanzo beans without making them into hummus first.

Not me, I'm happy as long as a chick peas in my mouth.

That moment when your neighbour is ringing at your door at 3am like crazy...

But luckily you‘re still awake because you‘re drilling holes for your new IKEA bookcase

" Doctor, doctor I keep getting this crazy idea that I'm a pair of curtains!."

"For God's sake man, just go home and pull yourself together"

Did anyone else hear about that crazy circus fire in Springfield?

It was in tents.

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