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I never said Minnie Mouse was crazy.

I said she was fucking Goofy.

I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless...

I was like 0mg

My wife is on this tropical fruit diet. Our kitchen is full of this crazy food.

It’s enough to make a mango crazy.

Trains have crazy desires

Because their locomotives.

Why did the crazy train get in trouble?

His Loco motives.

How does a crazy person find their way out of the woods?

They take the psycho path.

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I used to live in a place with crazy thin walls.

I used to live in a place with super thin walls, which came with a lot of pros and cons

A big con was that at all times of day, you can hear people have nasty, carnal sex right next to you through the wall.

A pro, however, was that was if you knocked on the wall, and asked very nicely...

Crazy ex girlfriends are like a box of chocolates.

They'll kill your dog

I did something crazy the other day...

...I used the toilet without playing on my smartphone.

Instead I played with myself.

I thought I was going crazy when I heard my laptop singing

It makes sense though since it’s a Dell.

Did you hear about the girl who went crazy from doing mushrooms all the time?

She became a little spore addict.

What do you call a crazy superhero?

_Super Nuts_

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During the 60’s Michael Caine hosted some really wild parties. At one such party he had all the coolest people there, taking drugs, drinking and having a crazy time.

‘Alright jim’ he said to Jim Morrisson ‘are you and the boys enjoying the party?’. ‘Yeah its great, man’. ‘Well its going to get better. Ive got a girl in the bedroom who will suck all your dicks’ said Caine ‘Really? That’s great!’ replied Morrisson. So he and the band went into Michael’s bedroom....

My friend is crazy, he’s constantly riding his bike on a bicycle trail.

He’s a psychopath on a cycle path.

Yo' mama's so crazy...

whenever she runs , she takes a psycho-path

What do you call when a cat's doing crazy stunts?

Purrkour

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A crazy guy outside my work has been wearing a “The end is near!” sign every day for the last 2 months.

Fuckin’ false advertising.

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Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window.

Dylan ran over and rang the doorbell three times. After no one answered for a few minutes, he opened the door to see broken glass everywhere, a lamp lying on the ground, and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch.

Dylan asked, "Who are you?"

The fat man replied,...

It's Halloween and everyone's out trick-or-treating. A bartender is working the late-night shift at the bar. He looks outside and sees everyone in crazy costumes. He sighs and picks up a glass and starts cleaning it. At around midnight, a guy in a vampire costume walks in and sits at the bar.

He says to the bartender "Hi. I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."
The bartender looks at him skeptically. "No you're not. You're just wearing a costume."
"No, no, really," he insists. "I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."
"Alright," the bartender say...

Medical advances these days are absolutely crazy. They've found ways to activate taste buds in people who were born without the sense. Surprisingly most people don't like it at first.

Its an acquired taste.

Three people, named Crazy, Nothing and Nobody, are working on the roof.

Suddenly, Nobody falls off.
"Quick!" Nothing says. "Call an ambulance!"
So Crazy pulls out his phone, dials 911 and says: "Hi. I'm Crazy. I'm calling for Nothing, because Nobody fell off the roof!"

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Adolf Hitler and my wife have the same birthday. It's crazy to think that such a loathsome figure, who ruined the lives of so many people...

Shares the same birthday as Adolf Hitler.

A man and his girlfriend check into a hotel.

“I don’t know why, but I’m afraid that this room might be bugged with hearing devices.” the girlfriend tells her boyfriend.

“That’s crazy, there’s nothing to be worried about.” the man replies.

The girl insists, so he starts to search the room. He looks in all of the drawers, under th...

Isn’t it crazy how many boomers love 1911s?

It’s like that gun has a Colt following!

My friends always say not to touch crazy girls with a ten foot pole.

Well that’s okay because mine is only like 4.5 inches.

The guy who invented the vibrator was bat $hit crazy.

The voices in his head said “Build it and they will cum”.

Its crazy how much people love Ford Mustangs

I hear they're a real hit with the crowd

A guy bursts into a gas station laughing like crazy

Gas station manager asks him what's so funny.

Guy says "There's a blonde outside trying to open her car door with a coathanger through the window"

"I know, I gave her the coat hanger, she locked herself out of her car" says the gas station manager.

Guy stops, then bursts into ev...

What do you call a crazy blood sucking insect?

A lunatick!

Tickled my little sister's foot this morning. Mom went crazy about it.

Something about waiting until she's born.

I once knew a guy who cross bred insects for fun.

I liked the guy at first, but eventually I got tired of his crazy ant ticks.

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What does a crazy caterpillar create in order to turn into a butterfly? [OC]

A cuckoo-n!

Crazy cat lady talks to her cats

This morning I saw the crazy cat lady talking to her cats, it was obvious that she thought that her cats understood her... I came to my house, I told my dog... we laughed a lot.

is it crazy how saying sentences backwards...

creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is

Crazy, nothing and no-one

Crazy, Nothing and no-one are sitting in a boat. After a big wave no-one falls out out the boat! “Quickly, call an ambulance!” Shouts nothing.
Crazy calls 911 and says: “help! I’m crazy, i am calling for nothing, because no-one fell out of the boat!”

Anyway this joke was really funny in ...

I kept hearing some crazy stuff was happening in Hong Kong so I looked it up.

According to Beijing, it's as calm as a June Summer's day in Tiananmen Square.

It's crazy to think that we have scientists that can make hamburgers out of plants. These possibilities are just...

Beyond meat

What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives a woman crazy?

Money

So some crazy golfer snapped and stabbed a Mexican guy...

It was a hole in Juan.

I went to a crazy Amish strip club.

It was bonnetless.

They say girls go crazy if you can play the guitar.

Well she left when she heard I was looking for A flat and had tried to get my fingers in A minor. All I really needed was Gsus.

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Some crazy asshole cut me off while driving to work this morning.

I damned near spilt my cereal all over the book I was reading!

Two factory workers are talking.

The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."

The man replies, "And how would you do that?"

The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.

The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"

The woman replies, "I'm a light ...

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A rich business man goes fishing....

... he has all the newest gear, brand new top quality rods, beautifully handcrafted lures and he sits at the side of the river enjoying his peace. Sadly though after a few hours he still has not caught a single fish. Just as he ponders to retire for the day another man approaches the river not very ...

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Senior Sex [NSFW]

Husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around...

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Guy comes home from his job at the pickle factory

He says to his wife “i need to talk to you about something that happened at work”
Wife - “ok, what’s up?”
Husband - “well lately at work I’ve been having this compulsion, an almost uncontrollable need to put my penis in the pickle slicer.”
Wife - “ My god! Are you crazy? Don’t do it!”
H...

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Two Jews die and wait outside the pearly gates.

While waiting they realise that they both survived the same concentration camp.

After some chatting, one says to the other: "remember that time when the guard pushed you onto the electric fence and you almost died?" A second of silence passes and suddenly they both start laughing hystericall...

Someone told me that my house was haunted.

I said that they must be crazy because I've lived there for over a 200 years and I've never seen anything.

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my birthday party was crazy, filled with booze, fighting and sex

still, Im never inviting my uncle over again

"MOM!!!! Dad's gone crazy...."

He's throwing things out of the windoooooooooooooo....

My friend is crazy, he told me he is going to bring a bulletproof vest to school

For real though, noone is going to shoot back anyways.

Being a helicopter pilot is a crazy job

It has it's ups and downs

You shouldn't vaccinate yourself, why would you, you crazy people.

You're supposed to let a doctor do it for you.

Why do all professional sperm donors go crazy?

Cause it’s a nut job

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Mickey and Minnie Mouse we’re getting a divorce. The judge asked Mickey, “Let me get this straight, you’re divorcing Minnie because she’s crazy?” “No, your honor,” he says.

“I’m divorcing her because she’s fucking Goofy.”

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(NSFW) So my girlfriend is crazy horny

And we went out to a restaurant. They brought mints with the check. That gave her the idea that I should have mints instead of pineapple juice, so my cum would taste minty, and my cum would be her end of a meal mints. So I started eating all sorts of mints for a few weeks.

One day we're ge...

Crazy

A guy went to visit his girlfriend's parents to ask for her hand in marriage. Her father said, "Okay, but just to warn you, there's a long history of insanity in my family. My daughter shows no signs of it, but who knows about the future or any children you might have."

Somewhat shaken up...

3 spies from England, France and Italy were sent to the USSR.

After a week they were captured and put in jail. The Russians took the English spy, tied and tortured him and after 20 minutes he gave all the info.
Then the Russians took the French spy. They tied and tortured him, and after 20 minutes he too gave all the info.
Then they took the Italian ...

Did you know that 38% of American women are on medications for being some form of crazy?

This is terrifying because that means that 62% of American women are walking around unmedicated!

Jones is driving past the state mental hospital when his left rear tire suffers a flat.

While Jones is changing the tire, another car goes by, running over the hub cap in which Jones was keeping the lug nuts. the nuts are all knocked into a nearby storm drain.

Jones is at a loss for what to do and is about to go call a cab when he hears a shout from behind the hospital fence, wh...

I saw a guy at the flower store. He was trying to pick the perfect bouquet for his wife. He said “It’s crazy how much money you gotta spend on something that’s just going to die.”

I said “I know... And you gotta buy them flowers...”

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A man walks into a bar...

He sits down next to a guy with a peg leg, a metal hook for a hand, and an eyepatch.

He orders a beer, looks at the guy next to him, and asks "What are you supposed to be, a pirate?"

"Yarr, I am" replies the pirate.

"You must have some crazy stories about your leg, your hand, an...

Two guys in a lunatic asylum

There were these two guys in a lunatic asylum… and one night, they decide they don’t like living in an asylum any more. They decide they’re going to escape! So, they get up onto the roof, and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in the moon light st...

How the Canadians prepare their army

A new recruit arrives on the front lines during world war 2. When he gets there he is told resources are stretched thin and they have not rifles to spare him, although they still expect him to go on patrol. He goes straight to his captain and explains the situation, the captain hands him a broom and...

A crazy guy went inside a police station

A crazy guy went inside a police station and stole all the K-9 units' leashes. Police says they have no leads

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2 Crazy people meet at a mental asylum

Crazy person 1: I am jesus, god told me that in my dreams

Crazy person 2: fuck no I didn't tell you that

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Did you hear about the crazy squirrel with a food fetish?

He was fucking nuts.

One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the fine weather.

The day was so nice that she became careless and a fox snuck up behind her and caught her.

"I am going to eat you for lunch," said the fox.

"Wait," replied the rabbit, "You should at least wait a few days."

"Oh yeah? Why should I wait?"

"Well, I am just finishing my thesi...

I’m tired of people calling me crazy because I’m talking to myself. It’s just not true.

I’m talking to the dead dog and old woman that follow me around.

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It's crazy that some people are so horny that they are willing to have car sex in a public parking lot

That's why they call it sex drive

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I wanted a second opinion...

He said okay, you’re ugly too.

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A guy goes to a brothel.

A guy wants to go to a brothel. He arrives at the door and asks the guard :

"I want to check the services that this brothel offers"

"Sure man, the office is on the first door on the right"

The guard opens the door and guides him to the office.

The man behind the counter...

The weather in London is crazy right now.

It's the middle of January, but it feels like the end of May.

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So a guy is having drinks at a bar .....

After a while he looks over and sees a huge jar stuffed to the brim with 20 dollar bills. He asks the bar tender " hey whats with the jar? Theres gotta be at least 4 grand in there?" to which the bar tender replies " oh, you wouldn't wanna know. Its just a running bet" The guy says " try me. I love ...

Good Advice

A husband and wife go visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone. The counselor asks, "You say you've been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem?" The wife replies, "It's my husband -- he's driving me crazy! I'm going to leave him if he continues!" "How doe...

They say calling people crazy is like being racist now.

All those people I bit at the mall ought to be ashamed of themselves.

So the conductor goes crazy when one of the musicians hits a wrong note

and jumped down and stabs him with his baton killing him. He's given the death penalty. For his last meal he wants a dozen bananas. They hit the switch on the electric chair and nothing happens. They explain that they have to let him go free. He gets his job back at the orchestra and the next perfor...

Two boys are taking a stroll through the woods, when they come across this well

They take a look down the well, and can't see the bottom. They want to know how long the drop is so one of them throws a pebble down there.

They wait a while......nothing.

They spot a good sized rock and toss it down the well next.

They wait a while.....still nothing.

The...

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Bill had finally had it with his wife...

During a poker game one night, Bill, about four beers deep, tells his buddies that he’s had it with his wife and has decided to hire someone to kill her for $1,000

The other guys laugh, assuming that he’s joking, and Larry says “Shit, my buddy Artie just got out of prison and he’s the meanest...

Two friends are talking on the day after St. Patrick’s Day. “I had a crazy night,” the first friend says.

“I got really drunk at the bar and, you’re never going to believe this, I took a bus home.”

“How’s that a big deal?” his friend asks.

“Well,” the first friend explains, “up until yesterday I’d never driven a bus before.”

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My dad always said "don't put your dick in crazy"

"because that's fucking insane"

Hey, I just met you and this is crazy But here's my number, so call me maybe

Hi maybe, I'm dad.

I had a crazy dream last night! I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda...

... but it turned out it was just a Fanta sea...

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A Japanese man, French man and a redneck are sitting at a bar. The subject get around to sex and what they to drive their wife crazy.

The Japanese man: After we make love, I softly massage my wife's breasts. It drives her crazy.

The French man: After we make love, I kiss her eyes, then her breasts, then her sweet spot. It drives her crazy.

The redneck: After I jump the old ladies bones, I get up and wipe my dick of...

A man was walking home down a dark street at night. As he was walking, he heard this thumping....

He stopped and looked, and there was nothing there. It seemed to have stopped. He continued on. Then he heard more thumping, and he knew he wasn't crazy. He turned, and what he saw horrified him. A coffin was thumping after him! He ran. The coffin on his tail. He ran to his house. He closed and lock...

Customer to sales girl, I'm here for the crazy pant's half off sale.

Salesgirl, Yes I know....I can clearly see your nuts.

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Fall was upon a remote reservation when the Indian tribe asked their new Chief what the coming winter was going to be like.

The modern-day Chief had never been taught the secrets of the ancients. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Better safe than sorry, he said to himself and told his tribe that the winter was indeed expected to be cold and that the members of the vil...

My wife is really self-conscious about how thick her eyebrows are

I told her she's crazy; most women would kill for *half* her eyebrows

DUDE!! I went to the gas station to get a Pepsi

DUDE!! I went to the gas station to get a Pepsi and as I walk up, I noticed these 2 Policemen watching a woman smoking while pumping her gas. I saw her and thought, is this lady stupid and crazy, especially with the Policemen standing RIGHT there. Anyway, I minded my own business and went and picked...

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The Hairdresser

A New York woman was at her East Side hairdresser's getting her hair styled prior to a trip to Rome with her boyfriend. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go Rome? It's crowded and dirty and, worse yet, full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Ro...

I’m going to freeze myself at a temperature of -273.15 degrees celsius.

My friend thinks I’m crazy, but I’ll be 0K.

I have this crazy conspiracy theory about wells.

Its pretty deep.

Why do crazy people perform terrible handjobs?

They can’t get a grip.

A man walks into a bar and sits down He asks the barkeep "If I can show you something you have never seen before, can I drink here for free tonight?"

The barkeep thinks about it and says "well I have seen a lot of stuff, if you can genuinely show me something I have not seen before, I will pick up your tab tonight".

So the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a minature piano and sets it on the bar, then he reaches into his other pock...

Why do girls go crazy for guitarists?

Because they're good with their fingering and they know their way around a G-string

Two blondes are working at a warehouse...

One blonde, tired of working, says to the other: “Watch this, I’m going to act crazy so that the boss will send me home.”

She climbs up the racking and hangs from the rafters yelling “I’M A LIGHTBULB, I’M A LIGHTBULB, I’M A LIGHTBULB!!”

“What are you doing?! Get down from there and GO ...

How do you make a blonde go crazy?

Put her in a round room and tell her to stand in a corner!

Technology is crazy these days

We now have smartphones, wireless TVs, and tablets.
When I was a kid we had to blow everything. The Nintendo cartridge, the mouse with that ball inside, the priest.

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(Long & Dirty) A pilot, co-pilot and a stewardess survive a plane crash

So there is this plane crash above the Atlantic ocean and only the pilot, co-pilot and a stewardess survive. They manage to make it to an island and set up some little camp. After the first week, they realize that surviving is not enough. The pilot asks the stewardess: " Listen, I really need some s...

Did you hear about the train conductor that went crazy and killed everyone?

They say he had a loco motive.

My wife said it was "crazy and impossible" when I told her I wanted to make a car out of spaghetti...

You should have seen her face as I drove pasta!

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer from the bartender.

As the bartender goes to get the drink, the bowl of peanuts pipes up, "excellent choice, on the beer! A really great decision."

Thinking he is hearing things, the man goes to the bathroom to wash his face.

On his way there, the juke box yells at him, "a goddamn beer? Horrible choice. ...

What's the difference between crazy and genius?

A psych degree.

A Mexican gang member stole a train for some crazy reason...

Police still don't know anything besides the fact that he has a loco motive.

I used to wonder why the world was so crazy

Then I realized that it was bipolar.

I once had a crazy drunken night in Barcelona...

It was inspain.

If my wife thinks I'm obsessed with programming, she's crazy.

Endif

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A guy goes to his psychiatrist...

and says "Doc, I had that crazy sex dream again. The one where I'm into sadism, necrophilia, and bestiality."

The psychiatrist replies "Oh, let's not bother going over that old dream again. We'd just be beating a dead horse."

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Voodoo dick

Husband and wife love to have crazy intense sex. Husband tells wife he is going on a business trip and will be back in a week. Wife says hell no what am I supposed to do without you being here “I need that D”. Husbands says ok I will go buy you a dildo.

Husband goes to a sex shop. Haitian wo...

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Don't keep the officer waiting!

So this police officer is nearing the end of his shift and really pissed that he hasn't caught anyone up to this point. As he sits in his car and looks at the clock, this speeding car flies by so fast that the police cruiser rocks back and forth. The police officer turns on his lights, hits the acce...

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A gambler walks into a bar...

He sits down, orders a beer and starts a conversation with the bartender. The bartender asks what brings him to town. The gambler says “I make my living going around gambling on things.” “Like on sports?” Asks the bartender. The gambler replies “No, I bet on anything and I never lose any money... ...

A man was on a hike with his best friend.

They’re walking up a hill, talking about what had happened during their childhood. About halfway through the height, the man spots a purple flower out of the corner of his eye. He goes over to it and picks it up. He turns to his friend and says,
“Hey, look! A purple flower!”

His friends ...

Called my wife on her cell to warn her about this crazy driver on the news who’s speeding down the highway in the wrong direction.

She replied: “I know! There’s like hundreds of them!”

A man drove by an asylum and got a flat tire...

As he begins to change the tire, he sees a man in a window watching him from the insane asylum.

Nervous as he changes his tire, he drops the lugnuts down the sewer drain.

Now he's stuck on what to do

The patient in the window yells down at the man.
"Hey! ...hey! Up here! T...

A married couple goes to the fair...

The couple is in their 40's and haven't been in about 20 years, since before they got married. The husband sees a sign that reads "Helicopter Rides: $50". He then turns to his wife and says, "Ethel, let's ride the helicopter. I've always wanted to ride a helicopter, I think it'd be romantic. We can ...

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“Do you know what it means when a bunch of horses are bucking around and going crazy?”

No papa i don’t.

It means there’s a storm coming. Do you know what it means when a herd of cattle are all lying down?

There’s a storm coming?

No, they’re fucking tired.



*told to me by my 80 year old grandfather*

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This guy was sitting in his cubicle one day . . .

. . . doing paperwork for his company when he heard a voice out of nowhere. "Quit your job. Sell your house. Take the money. Go to Las Vegas." He was a little freaked out by the mysterious voice, but managed to finish out his day, go home, and go to sleep.

The next day he was in the shower wh...

A sixteen year-old boy came home with a brand new Ford F150.

His parents look at the truck and ask, "Where did you get that truck?!"

"I bought it today," he says.

"With what money?" says his mother.

They knew what a new F150 cost.

"Well," he says, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars."

The father looks at him like he's ...

A police officer said to a motorist, "What were you doing? Your car was zigzagging like crazy!"

"I'm learning to drive."

"Without an instructor in the car?"

"Oh, yes. It's an online course."

I tried ventriloquism once but everyone thought I was crazy.

Possibly because I forgot to bring my dummy.

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How are you all holding up? It's crazy out there!

I've killed at least fifteen zombies so far!

- Why the fuck are they all carrying candy?!

A woman went to the psychiatrist, and once she got there, she approached the psychiatrist and said "Doctor, I think my husband is crazy, he's talking to the lamp"

He asked, "that's crazy, how do you know that?

"The lamp told me about it"

If you take a shower with your clothes on, it shows you're crazy.

If you take a shower with your clothes off, it shows your nuts.

It’s crazy how fast milk trucks are driven these days...

One blink and they’ve gone pasteurise.

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