UPJOKE
dupechumpdeceivegullbuffoonjokesimpletonidiotfoolishsuckerjestermarkstupidsillydelude

"Poor Old fool” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub…

So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”

The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”

Lots of people thought I was a fool for going into debt because I overspent on therapy sessions.

But now I'm laughing all the way to the bank.

The mind of a fool is immune to change, and who can think it strange? The reasons clear for all to know...

A fool has no mind to change.

Four cannibals apply for a job in a big corporation…

„Well“, says the boss, „if I hire you guys, you have to promise to not eat any of our staff.“

The cannibals promise that they will not eat anyone and get hired.

Everything is going well for a while, and one day the boss calls them into his office.

“You’re working well and all, ...

How do you keep a fool in suspense?

I’ll tell you later…

A fool is walking down the street, dragging a brick on a leash behind him.

A cop sees him and says to himself: "I'll make fun of him."

He walks up to him and says: "Gee, you've got a nice dog!"

The fool replies, "Are you crazy? That's a brick!"

The angry cop walks away.

The fool turns to the brick and says, "We got him, didn't we, Rex?"

There are 2 simple steps to fool anyone.

Step 1 - promise them a simple trick.

Play a role of a fool to fool the fool

A proud and confident genius makes a bet with an idiot. The genius says, "Hey idiot, every question I ask you that you don't know the answer, you have to give me $5. And if you ask me a question and I can't answer yours I will give you $5,000." The idiot says, "Okay." The genius then asks, "How many...

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My friend managed to fool me into volunteering in a cat shelter.

He said there was a lot of pussies I could play with.

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April fools day is cancelled

as no made up prank could match the unbelievable shit going on right now

A man is on a street corner in Moscow yelling “The president is an idiot “

Police surround him and handcuff him. They say “it is illegal to insult President Putin”

He says “You don’t understand I mean the Ukrainian president, Zelensky, he is the one I was insulting “

The police captain says “you can’t fool us, everyone knows who the idiot is”

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender rema...

Today, in the computing class, we were talking about ICT fools.

*tools.

Why do leprechauns not like fools gold?

Because it's a sham rock

Step 1 - fool people into believing you've been chosen by God to spread his word

Step 2 - prophet

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Freudian slip

A guy is talking to his buddy.
\-I made a total fool of myself today. I was talking to a very well endowed young woman at the airport and I said: "I need two pickets to Tittsburgh." She was embarrassed and so was I.
His buddy replies:
\-Yeah, it's called a Freudian slip. I had one...

Fool me once, Shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me

Fool me 350,000 times, you're probably a meteorologist

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An old farmer is sitting on his front porch watching the sunrise

when he sees the neighbor’s kid walk by carrying a spool of something metallic under his arm. “Hey boy, what do you have there?”

“Chicken wire.”

“What you gonna do with that?”

“Gonna catch some chickens.”

“You damn fool! You can’t catch chickens with chicken wire!” says...

One dark night, two men are walking home after a party and decide to take a shortcut through the cemetery.

Right in the middle of the cemetery they are startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they find an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones. “Holy cow, dude,” one says after catching his breath. “You scared us half to dea...

There’s a great actor who can no longer remember his lines, and when word gets out, no one will hire him.

After many years he finally finds a theater that is prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, “This is the most important part, but it has only one line. You walk out on stage at the opening, carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff...

What would Goofy be if he let his wife fool around with other men?

A cYuck!

A collector of rare books ran into a friend who told him he had just thrown out an old Bible that he had found in a dusty old box.

The collector's friend mentioned that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed the Bible.

"You don't mean Gutenberg?" gasped the collector.

"Yes, that was it!"

"You fool! You've thrown out one of the first books ever printed! A copy was recently auctioned off for hundreds of thousand...

3 mathematicians and 3 physicists want to go on a train ride

The physicists buy 3 tickets(one for each) and the mathematicians say they have a special method and buy 1 ticket(1 for the 3 of them)

On the train the mathematicians lock up in the same toilet and when the conductor knocked and asked for the ticket, one mathematician put his hand out with t...

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April's fool's Is canceled This Year

No one has managed to come up with a prank that can match the unbelievable shit going on in the world right now...

A bad workman blames his fools..

EDIT: *tools

stupid keyboard

Two lawyers before an American judge recently got into a wrangle

At last one of the disputants, losing control over his emotions, exclaimed to his opponent, "Sir, you are, I think the biggest fool that I ever had the misfortune to set eyes upon."

"Order! Order!" said the judge gravely. "You seem to forget that I am in the room."



Source: 19...

Costco Doctor

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, John says to Scott, “My elbow hurts like hell.

I guess I'd better see a doctor."

“Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Scott replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer ...

A Drunk's Poem

Starkle, starkle, little twink,

Who the hell you are I think.

I'm not under what they call

The alcofluence of incohol.

I'm not drunk as thinkle peep,

I'm just a little slort of sheep.

Tee martoonis make a guy

Fool so feelish, don't know why. ...

A man walks into a bar

He sits at the bar and orders a drink, and looks around. There's only one other man at the bar, so he decides to sit next to him and strike up a conversation.

"So, there, where do you do for a living?"

"Ah, I'm just a simple farmer."

"No fooling? I'm a farmer too. Barkeep! B...

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Dear John,

I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement. Won't you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart. I was a fool, nobody can take your place.
All my love,
Belinda. xxxxoooxxxx

P.S. Congratulations on winning last week's Powerball lottery.

Fooling Around

The boss went up to the bartender and asked, "Have you been fooling around with the waitress?" "Oh no, sir, I sure haven't," replied the bartender. The boss replied, "Good, then you fire her!"

Little Sally came home from school one day, munching on a big bag of candy...

Little Sally came home from school one day, munching on a big bag of candy. Her mother asks her, "Where did you get that candy!?"

"Little Johnny paid me five dollars to climb the flagpole at school!" she laughed. "So I bought candy!"

"You friggin' idiot!" her mom says. "He was just try...

Lessons learned over time:

(In no particular order, and yes - I am a nerd)

1) the problem is always in the last thing that you check.

2) always do the network card driver update AFTER everything else.

3) it's probably the cable that's causing the problem.

4) if you think that you've made things ...

I took a girl home last night. We were fooling around, and she sighed and said, “You don’t have much experience removing bras, do you?” Me: What gave me away?

Her: The scissors, mostly.

What Did the King say When the Queen Gifted him a Fool for his Birthday

"I've no use for one of these... But it was a nice jester"

A Texan was driving through Oklahoma

A Texan was driving through Oklahoma, and driving over the speed limit on the highway. A highway patrol officer pulled him over.

The officer requested his drivers license and registration.

As the officer was filling out the citation, there were many flies dancing around the officer’s ...

Fool: Why do ducks walk like idiots?

Wiseman: Why do idiots walk like ducks?

A fool wearing an eye patch enters an archery contest

The contestants are told to hit the target in the distance. The guy wearing the eye patch picks up his bow, pulls back an arrow, and releases it. The arrow completely misses the target, goes in a totally different direction, and buries itself in the hat of one of the judges. The judge jumps up, shoc...

A duck had a $100 bet with his friend

A duck had a $100 bet with his friend that he could touch the tip of his beak with the end of his foot. Certain that ducks aren’t built to do this kind of thing his friend takes the bet.

After several attempts, rolling around on the floor, flapping around and making a fool of himself, the duc...

A man on his retirement, purchased a house situated near a high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace, then the new school year began.

One afternoon early into the first semester, three young boys came down the street, beating merrily on every bin they passed.

They did this the following day and the day's after that, for a week, until the man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out ...

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One old lady's poodle got lost during a photo safari...

..after chasing some butterflies and enjoying a frolic in the bushes.


Not before long, he discovers realises he's lost.

Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly in his direction.

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately sett...

Why can't you fool an aborted fetus?

Because it wasn't born yesterday

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A young man and a young woman are fooling around when the young woman starts to feel a little more kinky than usual and asks the guy to use his toe on her.

The young man shrugs and decides, Why not? and then proceeds to pleasure his girlfriend with his big toe.

The next day the young man wakes up and notices that the flesh of his toe is sore and a little pink and tender. He ignores it, but after a few days decides to go see his doctor when the s...

I got an email from a Nigerian Prince asking me for $100,000 to help him build a business and in return I am promised 10 fold. What does he think I am a fool?

I already invested in a Prince from Qatar for half the price last week. Sucker can’t scam me.

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Two guys, Billy and Bob, head out in the woods, hunting for bear...

They hike to where their tree stand is, in the thickest part of the forest, set their bait, climb into the stand, hunker down and wait. Before too long, a small black bear comes by to check out the bait, and the hunters shoot it dead. They climb down and begin the work of butchering the carcass, whe...

My wife told me I was a fool to build a car out of spaghetti.

>**You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta.**

Scoring the best cigarettes in Barcelona

If you want to find the best cigarette in Barcelona, attend a match in Camp Nou. At half time, you'll see a lot of vendors making rounds of the stadium. They're selling food. Mostly falafels.

Now, you catch hold of one of them and look them in the eye. "I'm looking for him" you say.

"...

Today is NOT my cake day

But when it comes I will NOT attempt to farm karma with it.


April fools.

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Three sailors are discussing their cargo

They are used to transporting goods and make a good living doing so, this time however they've been tasked with taking 300 boxes of penis shaped potatoes across the channel and they all think it's a joke.

"We'll be a laughing stock" says the first sailor.

"I'll never be able to live it...

I played an April Fool's joke on my parkour team this morning.

They all fell for it.

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The Devil tried to tempt me with a thousand naked women. I laughed and shouted "I'm homosexual you fool! Now, get thee behind me, Satan!"

...long story short, he got my soul.

A man and a woman are painfully flirting

The restaurant was practically empty, save for them. The man and the woman sat in silence, each waiting for the other to begin.

The man started.

"H-Hi." **Oh god, I sound like an idiot.**

"...Hi." *My Voice! Please come out!*

"So...uh...um...do w-weather?" **What is wrong...

Which monster loves April Fools jokes

Pranken-stein!

Can you call the British PM a fool?

During WW II, a man was arrested in London for calling Winston Churchill a fool.

The next day in the House of Commons, the opposition members were ready to roast the government for this. "Are we living in a police state", they shouted, "where we cannot call the PM a fool"?

Churchill's ...

They say a fool and his money are easily parted, but...

Vacuum repair shops really are for broke suckers.

Everyone in Hawaii is mad about the malfunction of the early warning system. Those fools.

Hawaii IS the early warning system.

The oldest joke I know. Three men are working on a building site.

Every day, they sit down to eat their lunch together at the top of the building.

The first man opens his lunchbox to reveal a ham sandwich.

“By god” the man exclaims, “I hate ham sandwiches. I’ve been working in construction for twenty years and every day, despite me telling her how ...

As a lumberjack starts his chainsaw he hears the tree begin to cry. “Please don’t cut me down!” The tree pleads, “I’ll do anything!” The lumberjack says, “Fine! If you can solve this impossible riddle that has fooled some of the greatest minds from doctors, writers to philosophers, I’ll spare you.”

The tree was stumped.

[Click Here to invite Vampire Cat inside.]

Vampire Cat: Mwahaha! You fool!

*Walks inside*

*Walks back outside*

Vampire Cat: May I come in?

To make a fool love you, praise their intelligence...

...but you already knew that, because you're so intelligent.

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Drunken Fools

Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State
Building. One turns to the other and says: "You know last
week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this
building- by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds
around the building are so intense tha...

I've once fooled an entire class filled with future Doctors, Lawyers, and scientists...

Of course they were all in Kindergarten so it wasn't hard

I felt like a fool when I bought David Bowie tickets for my son and then remembered that he died last year...

Even more so when I remembered that David Bowie died too.

What is more dangerous than being with a fool ?

Fooling with a bee.

Trumps wall is fool-proof...

Take china for example, they've had a wall for 2000 years and still no mexicans.

In class, my statistics teacher said, "The lottery is a tax on fools who can't do math."

I shrugged and said, "Hell, anybody can win the lottery."

My statistics teacher smirked, folded his arms and asked, "Do you even know the chances of a person winning the lottery?"

I said, "Yep. 100%. A person always wins."

I’m a librarian so I put out a display of invisible books on April Fools day.

But my patrons saw right through it.

Tee Pee a House on, April Fool's, 2020

Wouldn’t today, April Fool’s Day, 2020, be the best time to TeePee someone’s house?

The neighborhood will clean it up in four minutes.

I piy the fool

Yes, I missed a t

Bubba liked to frequent the old swimming hole, but was never able to attract the girls.

He decided to ask his friend Billy Bob for advice. Billy Bob explains, "It's those baggy swim shorts that make you look like an old fool. They're years out of style. Bubba, grab yourself a pair of Speedos, about two sizes too little and drop a fist-sized Tater down inside them. I'm tellin' 'ya man y...

The Genie

A man is working on a construction crew demolishing an old house.

Hidden inside a wall is an old oil lamp.
Thinking to himself, wouldn't it be interesting if there was a genie in this lamp.
Looking around to make sure none of his buddies are watching, least he make a fool of himself, h...

Wife asks the husband, who's the fool - you or me?

The husband calmly replies, while sipping his coffee, "honey, everyone knows you are way too smart to marry a fool"

Edit - I swear the joke was hilarious in the language I translated it from.

You know the fool-proof method to get your girl pregnant right?

Wait until the perfect Friday night and treat her real fine. I’m talking start with chocolate, flowers, the works. Dress in y’alls Sunday best and go to the best Italian place in town. Wine her and dine her then take her home. Take it slow but start getting her real hot. I’m talking wet enough to dr...

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A well-to-do woman was on a safari around Kenya.

As the visited a remote village she was pestered by enormous black flies just buzzing around her face.
She turned to the guide and asked "What is it with these flies everywhere?"
The guide replied "Ah yes Missy, these are Bum Bum flies"
"What an odd name" she replied.
"Yess Miss...

My colleagues took April Fools Day pretty seriously this year

Over a month and a half of going into the office and they're all still hiding from me

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Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice,

shame on your mother for raising such a little cunt

How do you bamboozle a fool?

(Spoiler hidden)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Billy and his girlfriend wanted to fool around in bed, but Billy's little brother was asleep in the bottom bunk...

Billy said, "Let's use a code, so if little Johnny wakes up, he doesn't know what's going on. If you want me to go harder, say 'Tomato,' and if you want me to go faster, say 'Lettuce.'"
So Billy and his girlfriend started having sex. Billy's girlfriend started moaning, "Lettuce.... Tomato...." An...

April Fool’s Day has been POSTPONED.

I’ll tell you the new date tomorrow.

A large corporation hires a Tribe of cannibals...

And they tell them: "You have full rights as employees, but you're not allowed to eat anybody."

Things go well for several weeks and then the CEO calls the Tribe into his office. The CEO says:

"Somebody has been reported missing. Did you eat them?"

The chief of the Tribe checks ...

A joke for Halloween: why are vampires so easy to fool?

Because they're suckers.

I was walking down a street in Hollywood and ran into a celebrity with a Mohawk and jewelry. He looked at me and said, “I piy the fool!”

I said, “Hey, you missed a T!”

Two fools leave home and head to a bar...

...when one of them realizes that he has worn mismatched shoes. Too embarrassed to walk in the open all the way back, he asks the other fool to go home and retrieve his only other pair.

Ten minutes later, the second fool returns empty-handed. "Where are my shoes?!" the first fool asks.
...

Why is World Autism Day after April Fools’ Day?

Because it takes longer for them to get the joke.

“A fool does last what a wise man does first.” -unknown

Looks like my chances of getting laid improve dramatically the older I get. Sweet!

"I'm not a fool..."

An illiterate man loses his cheque book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.

Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your cheque book, because anyone can forge your signature.

Man: I am not a fool... I already signed all the cheques, so there is no space to forge my...

We're sorry to announce that April fools has been postponed.

Due to the recent coronavirus crisis, April fools has been postponed to May 1st, 2020.
Thanks for your cooperation.

What did the first person to get "April Fooled" say?

Jesus! I thought you were dead!

Here’s a joke you can fool almost any kid and some adults with.

Not the usual brand of joke seen here but I wasn’t sure where better to share it.

Anywho, choose your victim and say to them “I’ll bet that I can make you say the word blue.”

If they accept the challenge ask them the colors of the American flag. However they answer, assuming they were...

I hate to sound like a conspiracy theorist here, but are we truly to believe that the Titanic sunk after being hit by an iceberg?! Do they think we're stupid fools!?

I've been throwing lettuce at the window for hours now and it hasn't even scratched, let alone put a hole in it.

Wise men say...

Only fools Russian

Which high-ranking Cardassian did Sisko find easiest to fool?

It wasn't Gul Dukat... it was Gul Ebahl!

Follow the rules

A large corporation with expansive grounds interviewed a tribe of reformed cannibals for the outdoor maintenance positions. During the interview process, they were told, "You'll receive full benefits as employees, but you're not allowed to eat anybody, which would result in immediate dismissal and c...

April Fool's day has been cancelled due to coronavirus.

Everything you'll hear is true.

Aprils fools

A mom comes home from work on aprils fools and the lil bro runs up to her screaming mom mom bro hanged himself in the bedroom, petrified she makes a run for the bedroom and its empty. Turns to her kid in relief telling him that this is not the apropriate joke, while he says aprils fooooools, hes han...

Two men are having a fight

First guy swings, but there's no contact.

Second guy swings, no contact.

First guy swings, no contact.

Second guy swings, no contact.

Some dude sitting on a bench nearby sees these two fools swinging and missing, he walks over and takes a swing at the first guy. He doe...

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Equally Logical - Jewish parable from 1948

A group of Nazis surrounded an elderly Berlin Jew and demanded of him, "Tell us Jew, who caused the war?"

The little Jew was no fool. "The Jews," he said, then added, "and the bicycle riders."

The Nazis were puzzled. "Why the bicycle riders?"

"Why the Jews?" answered the little ...

My dad fooled me

We had a cable tie that didn't work it wouldn't lock, so he told me to get another one and Test it first. I did...... And due to the test it now was no longer any good as we coudlnt use it he just laughed a lot and said get another one

The last time Easter fell on April Fool’s Day...

...Jesus tricked everybody by making them think he was dead for two days.

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