UPJOKE
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A bad workman blames his fools...

**EDIT: tools**

...stupid keyboard...

Elon Musk has come up with a fool proof plan of destroying Apple because they refuse to advertise on Twitter.

He plans to buy it.

Why can't you fool an aborted baby?

Because he wasn't born yesterday

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April fools day is cancelled

as no made up prank could match the unbelievable shit going on right now

Don't forget that today is April Fools!

**APRIL FOOLS**!

Am I doing this right?

Play a role of a fool to fool the fool

A proud and confident genius makes a bet with an idiot. The genius says, "Hey idiot, every question I ask you that you don't know the answer, you have to give me $5. And if you ask me a question and I can't answer yours I will give you $5,000." The idiot says, "Okay." The genius then asks, "How many...

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Drunken Fools

Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State
Building. One turns to the other and says: "You know last
week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this
building- by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds
around the building are so intense tha...

How do you keep a fool waiting?

I’ll tell you tomorrow.

Fool me once, Shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me

Fool me 350,000 times, you're probably a meteorologist

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Don't be fooled.

Warning to all women about buying a Christmas present for their husband on eBay.

If you buy stuff on line, be sure to check out the seller carefully.

I just spent $95 + postage,

on a penis enlarger for my husband's small one.

Bastards sent me a magnifying glass.

Th...

“Poor Old fool,”...

...thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”

The old man replied, “You’re...

Can you call the British PM a fool?

During WW II, a man was arrested in London for calling Winston Churchill a fool.

The next day in the House of Commons, the opposition members were ready to roast the government for this. "Are we living in a police state", they shouted, "where we cannot call the PM a fool"?

Churchill's ...

There are 2 simple steps to fool anyone.

Step 1 - promise them a simple trick.

Women sometimes make fools of men

But most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

I got a picture of my girlfriend sleeping with another man, followed an hour later by a message saying "April Fools!"

I should stop falling for that, it's the fourth time this month.

To make a fool love you, praise their intelligence...

...but you already knew that, because you're so intelligent.

A man is on a street corner in Moscow yelling “The president is an idiot “

Police surround him and handcuff him. They say “it is illegal to insult President Putin”

He says “You don’t understand I mean the Ukrainian president, Zelensky, he is the one I was insulting “

The police captain says “you can’t fool us, everyone knows who the idiot is”

Fooling Around

The boss went up to the bartender and asked, "Have you been fooling around with the waitress?" "Oh no, sir, I sure haven't," replied the bartender. The boss replied, "Good, then you fire her!"

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Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice,

shame on your mother for raising such a little cunt

A woman wanted to know how her husband would react if she left him. She wrote him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. She put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.

When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a numb...

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My friend managed to fool me into volunteering in a cat shelter.

He said there was a lot of pussies I could play with.

Why do leprechauns not like fools gold?

Because it's a sham rock

What did they say to the first guy to pull off an April fools day prank?

Jesus! I thought you were dead!

A fool is walking down the street, dragging a brick on a leash behind him.

A cop sees him and says to himself: "I'll make fun of him."

He walks up to him and says: "Gee, you've got a nice dog!"

The fool replies, "Are you crazy? That's a brick!"

The angry cop walks away.

The fool turns to the brick and says, "We got him, didn't we, Rex?"

Four cannibals apply for a job in a big corporation…

„Well“, says the boss, „if I hire you guys, you have to promise to not eat any of our staff.“

The cannibals promise that they will not eat anyone and get hired.

Everything is going well for a while, and one day the boss calls them into his office.

“You’re working well and all, ...

I felt like a fool when I bought David Bowie tickets for my son and then remembered that he died last year...

Even more so when I remembered that David Bowie died too.

Step 1 - fool people into believing you've been chosen by God to spread his word

Step 2 - prophet

April's fool

What do you jokers think the April's fool joke would be in these uncertain times?

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April's fool's Is canceled This Year

No one has managed to come up with a prank that can match the unbelievable shit going on in the world right now...

Fool: Why do ducks walk like idiots?

Wiseman: Why do idiots walk like ducks?

Lots of people thought I was a fool for going into debt because I overspent on therapy sessions.

But now I'm laughing all the way to the bank.

My wife told me I was a fool to build a car out of spaghetti.

>**You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta.**

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A little girl runs up to her mother and says "mummy, daddy hanged himself in the basement!"

Upon hearing the news the mother breaks down in tears and, shakily, makes her way into the basement.

When they get there, the woman cannot see the father's corpse.
The little girl then exclaims "April fools! Daddy did it in the garage"

A teacher is teaching his class when he notices a student fooling around with a metre stick.

He tells the kid to stop, as it’s distracting. The kid does.

A few minutes later, the kid is tapping his desk with the same metre stick. The teacher tells him to stop, so he does.

Later in the class, the kid is poking his classmates with the metre stick. Once again, the teacher tells...

Trumps wall is fool-proof...

Take china for example, they've had a wall for 2000 years and still no mexicans.

I piy the fool

Yes, I missed a t

Today, in the computing class, we were talking about ICT fools.

*tools.

"I'm not a fool..."

An illiterate man loses his cheque book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.

Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your cheque book, because anyone can forge your signature.

Man: I am not a fool... I already signed all the cheques, so there is no space to forge my...

The mind of a fool is immune to change, and who can think it strange? The reasons clear for all to know...

A fool has no mind to change.

Which monster loves April Fools jokes

Pranken-stein!

"Hey son, what has 4 legs and doesn’t breathe?”

“You’re not fooling me dad, a chair!”

“Not this time, your dog died.”

A fool wearing an eye patch enters an archery contest

The contestants are told to hit the target in the distance. The guy wearing the eye patch picks up his bow, pulls back an arrow, and releases it. The arrow completely misses the target, goes in a totally different direction, and buries itself in the hat of one of the judges. The judge jumps up, shoc...

What is Mr. T's favorite month?

April, fools

April Fools Day............

The day every newspaper tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, factually correct story.

Aprils fools

A mom comes home from work on aprils fools and the lil bro runs up to her screaming mom mom bro hanged himself in the bedroom, petrified she makes a run for the bedroom and its empty. Turns to her kid in relief telling him that this is not the apropriate joke, while he says aprils fooooools, hes han...

What would Goofy be if he let his wife fool around with other men?

A cYuck!

April Fool’s Day has been POSTPONED.

I’ll tell you the new date tomorrow.

Tee Pee a House on, April Fool's, 2020

Wouldn’t today, April Fool’s Day, 2020, be the best time to TeePee someone’s house?

The neighborhood will clean it up in four minutes.

"Stalin is a fool!"

A man yelled in Red Square. He was arrested by the secret police and sentenced to 25 years. He was given five years for insulting the head of state, and 20 years for revealing classified information.

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My best April Fools

A long time ago, before work, I drove through the shittiest neighborhood I could find, looking for broken auto glass. I found a pile from some unfortunate soul that had their car broken into and scooped it all up.

After settling in at work, I asked to borrow my boss's keys for access to the s...

My girlfriend said my obsession with Only Fools And Horses was too much and asked me to go.

I said, I'll get the suitcase from the van...

April Fools!

girl: babe I'm pregnant you're the father

guy: can't fool me it's April's Fools Day!

girl: haha! got me! you're not the father

How do you bamboozle a fool?

(Spoiler hidden)

What is more dangerous than being with a fool ?

Fooling with a bee.

They say a fool and his money are easily parted, but...

Vacuum repair shops really are for broke suckers.

Husband: Honey, I invited a friend home for dinner. Wife: What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, all the dishes are dirty, and I can't cook meal. Husband: I know all that. Wife: Then why did you invite the friend?

Husband: Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married.

What Did the King say When the Queen Gifted him a Fool for his Birthday

"I've no use for one of these... But it was a nice jester"

A large corporation hires a Tribe of cannibals...

And they tell them: "You have full rights as employees, but you're not allowed to eat anybody."

Things go well for several weeks and then the CEO calls the Tribe into his office. The CEO says:

"Somebody has been reported missing. Did you eat them?"

The chief of the Tribe checks ...

Fool or be fooled

A greedy guy was walking and passed by a hospital and there was a sign that says "pay 100$ for a treatment and if we couldn't treat you we give you 200$ back"

So he decided to fool them and get extra money so he goes in and says to the docter i lost my taste buds and the doctor calls his as...

Everyone in Hawaii is mad about the malfunction of the early warning system. Those fools.

Hawaii IS the early warning system.

I played an April Fool's joke on my parkour team this morning.

They all fell for it.

A man wakes up hungover, with no memory of coming home.

He realizes he's fully clothed in bed. He sees one of the lamps on a bedside table is broken, and he smells like he was sick on himself. He sits up and sees muddy tracks leading to his bed.

The man groans and holds his head, knowing he's going to be in big trouble with his wife. She then e...

Wife asks the husband, who's the fool - you or me?

The husband calmly replies, while sipping his coffee, "honey, everyone knows you are way too smart to marry a fool"

Edit - I swear the joke was hilarious in the language I translated it from.

My dad fooled me

We had a cable tie that didn't work it wouldn't lock, so he told me to get another one and Test it first. I did...... And due to the test it now was no longer any good as we coudlnt use it he just laughed a lot and said get another one

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A Nazi walks into a bar...

A Nazi walks into a bar, looks around, and notices an older orthodox Jewish man seated at a nearby table.
Barman, he says, "A round on me, for all your patrons, but not for the old Jewish geezer right there."

As everyone in the bar receives their drinks, he looks directly at the Jew with a...

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An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise.

An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" "Roll of chicken wire."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch some chickens."

"You damn foo...

A fool proof way to never feel lonely.

If you're ever feeling lonely, watch a horror movie. You won't feel alone anymore.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

April Fool's!

A woman goés into labor éarly and is rushéd to thé hospital. Aftér an agonizing night, shé finally givés birth, and thé doctor doés thé littlé pat on thé baby liké hé normally doés to stimulaté air flow. Thén hé tossés thé baby in thé air liké a pizza, and grabs it by thé légs and slams it into thé ...

Someone told me I am an imperfect fool.

I feel more like a complete idiot.

What's the worst part about April Fools?

Jokes without punchlines

You know the fool-proof method to get your girl pregnant right?

Wait until the perfect Friday night and treat her real fine. I’m talking start with chocolate, flowers, the works. Dress in y’alls Sunday best and go to the best Italian place in town. Wine her and dine her then take her home. Take it slow but start getting her real hot. I’m talking wet enough to dr...

Why is World Autism Day after April Fools’ Day?

Because it takes longer for them to get the joke.

Two fools leave home and head to a bar...

...when one of them realizes that he has worn mismatched shoes. Too embarrassed to walk in the open all the way back, he asks the other fool to go home and retrieve his only other pair.

Ten minutes later, the second fool returns empty-handed. "Where are my shoes?!" the first fool asks.
...

My colleagues took April Fools Day pretty seriously this year

Over a month and a half of going into the office and they're all still hiding from me

Today is NOT my cake day

But when it comes I will NOT attempt to farm karma with it.


April fools.

A joke for Halloween: why are vampires so easy to fool?

Because they're suckers.

Easter this year is April Fools Day

Just remember that so you don't fall for any crazy stories like people coming back from the dead.

There's a depressed king back in the 14th century

And nothing could cheer him up. Eventually the royal advisor hired a new fool to entertain the king. The clown was very funny, and most of the court laughed, but the king merely sighed, and then turned towards his advisor.

"I don't think this worked Henry, but I appreciate the jester."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've always wanted to fool around with another guy...

But I guess I'm not cocky enough. Or maybe I just haven't found the balls to do it.

Don't argue with a fool.

He'll drag you on his level and beat you with experience.

A man is walking down a street when he reads a graffiti...

...saying "The person reading this is an idiot"

This angers him very much, knowing he has been made a fool. So he picks up a stone and starts writing below it:

"The person who wrote this is an idiot"

“A fool does last what a wise man does first.” -unknown

Looks like my chances of getting laid improve dramatically the older I get. Sweet!

I've once fooled an entire class filled with future Doctors, Lawyers, and scientists...

Of course they were all in Kindergarten so it wasn't hard

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NSFW A guy and a girl are fooling around...

A young man and a young woman are fooling around when the young woman starts to feel a little more kinky than usual and asks the guy to use his toe on her. The young man shrugs and decides, Why not? and then proceeds to pleasure his girlfriend with his big toe.

The next day the young man wak...

April Fool's day has been cancelled due to coronavirus.

Everything you'll hear is true.

I took a girl home last night. We were fooling around, and she sighed and said, “You don’t have much experience removing bras, do you?” Me: What gave me away?

Her: The scissors, mostly.

We're sorry to announce that April fools has been postponed.

Due to the recent coronavirus crisis, April fools has been postponed to May 1st, 2020.
Thanks for your cooperation.

Which high-ranking Cardassian did Sisko find easiest to fool?

It wasn't Gul Dukat... it was Gul Ebahl!

There’s a great actor who can no longer remember his lines, and when word gets out, no one will hire him.

After many years he finally finds a theater that is prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, “This is the most important part, but it has only one line. You walk out on stage at the opening, carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff...

Forgot it's April fool's!

What's the simplest way to really quickly get some friends so I can prank them?

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Stingy old lawyer

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the old saying, “You can’t take it with you.” After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died.

He in...

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Three sailors are discussing their cargo

They are used to transporting goods and make a good living doing so, this time however they've been tasked with taking 300 boxes of penis shaped potatoes across the channel and they all think it's a joke.

"We'll be a laughing stock" says the first sailor.

"I'll never be able to live ...

For April fools my girlfriend replaced my alphabits with Cheerios.

I have no words to say how angry I am.

A policeman pulls a farmer over for speeding and proceeds to write him a ticket...

The farmer notices some flies buzzing around annoying the officer. The policeman is shooing flies more than he's writing.

The farmer says "I see you're being bothered by those circle flies."

The policeman says, "If that's what you call them, yes, they are somewhat annoying."

The...

Quiche is like the fools gold of the baking world.

When you see it, you think it’s pie right?

The last time Easter fell on April Fool’s Day...

...Jesus tricked everybody by making them think he was dead for two days.

I have an April fools joke going on with my landlord

I am not paying rent this April 1st hehe, don't tell him

CNN Made a Joke Article for April Fools

Just another day in the office.

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