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Joke Jokes

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An actual joke that was told by Jews during World War II

An SS man says to a Jew in a concentration camp: "You are to be killed today, but I will give you a chance. One of my eyes is a glass eye. If you can guess which one it is, I will give you your life."

The Jew looks at the SS man and says, "The left one, Herr Corporal."

"That is correct...

What do all these Leonardo DiCaprio jokes have in common?

They’re all so childish..

Daughter made up a cute knock knock joke:

Knock knock
Who’s there?
Let’s eat…
Let’s eat who?

What are you a cannibal?

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This is my absolute favorite "so bad it's good" joke

A man went to the doctor with a horrible itch in his ass. After an examination, the doctor gave him his diagnosis:

\- You have an enormous tapeworm in there. This is not a matter of normal treatment, so my advice to you is to insert a boiled egg in your anus followed by a gummy bear. Call me ...

nobody seems to upvote a cake joke on cakeday anymore

Feeling desserted

Whats the problem with 9/11 jokes

they're two plane

I need a few brief jokes to tell to a group of elderly people. The punchlines need to be easily understood, and they need to be clean and not making fun of anyone with any kind of disability. Have any brief and fairly original jokes?

This one is good, although I’ll probably have to emphasize the ‘mispronouncing words’ part, and instead of blonde, the dummy will be me:

*A blonde is flying in a Boeing for the first time. She starts jumping on her seat shouting "Boeing Boeing Boeing".
The pilot, clearly annoyed by this, w...

Tell a man a joke, he will laugh for a day

Tell a Redditor a joke, he will repost it for a lifetime

Edit: Thank you kind Redditor for the Gold

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The Leprechaun joke

An old drunkard gets kicked out of an Irish pub. In a wasted stupor, he decides to take a shortcut home through a nearby forest. As he staggers through the woods, he soon becomes lost. For what seems like hours, he wanders through the forest with barely enough light to see. And then, from out of now...

Recent political joke circulating in China

Three men who don’t know each other sits in a prison cell. Each explains why he was arrested.

The first man said: “I opposed covid testing.”

The second man said: “I supported covid testing.”

The third man said: “I administered the covid tests.”

I'm surprised that so many jokes here are tagged NSFW.

As if any of you had a job.

I was gonna tell a joke about time traveling

But you guys didn't like it

I didn't know r/Jokes was so eco friendly

Everything here is recycled.

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Blonde Joke.

Guy says to a Blonde girl.

I bet I can guess when you were born just by fondling your tits,

no way says the Blonde, go on then, so 20 minutes later the

Blonde says OK when was I born?

Guy says: Yesterday.

Blonde says don't be fucking stupid, have another go...

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How can I improve this joke I wrote?

A man one day hears a buzzing noise from the spare bedroom in his house and when he goes to open the door it's locked. His wife walks out 15 minutes later looking very relaxed and he asks her what that noise was.

She tells him its the new vibrator she bought and its amazing! The next day the ...

What’s the best Chuck Norris joke you’ve ever heard?

My personal favorite is: Chuck Norris was once bitten by a cobra snake. After 3 long days of suffering, the snake died

What do you think is history's SHORTEST joke? My submission is Miss Piggy's 2 worder :

"Pretentious? ...*MOI ?"*

Wrote my second joke ever, would like some feedback

Three lumberjacks; Sam, Dave, and Ben; are felling trees when a bear approaches them. Sam says "stay back or we'll kill you with our axes!" The bear responds, "woah! I'm a proud vegetarian. I just wanted to offer you all a nicely cooked dinner since you've all been working so hard and are probably h...

My jokes are like my girlfriends.

Quantity over quality.

Cop joke.

So I’m an ER RN and we love to joke around. Had two cops in with a patient. I deadpanned “ I heard there’s been ppl stealing tires off (local) cop cars…. The one cop says “I haven’t heard anything about this “.
So… I said “I’ve heard the police are tirelessly investigating it.”
First cop high...

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The best chicken joke ever!

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is
smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face.


The egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off.


The egg mutters to no one in particular,
"Well, I guess we answered THAT question!"

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8 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. I reposted it 4 years ago. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...

Jokes about menstruation are inappropriate.

Period.

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The old professor started each lecture with a dirty joke.

After a real objectionable example of that one day, the
female students got together and decided that next time,
when this happens again, they will all walk out in unison.

The professor got wind of this plot. Next morning, after he
entered the lecture hall, he said: "Good morning! Ha...

I'll try to translate a joke from my language..

So this blonde goes to the Doctor for a checkup so doc starts asking her:

Age? She starts counting using her fingers, says 22 !

Height? She sees a measuring type of about 5 meters, takes it barely gets to measuring and says 1.75

Then the Doc says, ok could I have your FIRSt nam...

NASTY JOKE WARNING: A man pulls into a motel late at night....

He goes to the office and the clerk asks, "what can I do for you?" The man says, "well, I just got married and we'd like a room by the lake."

"Oh, well congratulations," the clerk said. "I'll give you a nice cabin by the lake." He gives the man the keys and directs him to a cabin. He wa...

True Story that is also a joke. (It really is true.)

I was doing tourist stuff in New Orleans one summer and had gone down to the waterfront. I was sitting on a bench looking out at the water when a guy came up to me and offered me a bet. He said, "I bet you $5 I can tell you where you got your shoes."

I was from several states away so I figure...

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Warning... dirty joke

A man and his friend are in a bar enjoying some drinks.

A gorilla is also drinking in the bar.

One man walks over to the gorilla and punches it in the face, and the gorilla gives him a blow job.

Next day the guys are in the bar and the same thing happens.

The day afte...

Capitalism jokes aren't funny.

Not everyone gets them.

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My jokes are like orgasms

My girlfriend doesn't get them

My wife is fed up with me constantly posting jokes here, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?!" She shot back, "Whatever means necessary!!" I chuckled...

"No it doesn't!"

An original joke from my 6 year old son

What do you call it when you mix a duck and a calculator?


A quackulator!

Yo mama joke I thought of it

Yo mama is so fat and old that she’s still eating from the last supper.





Edit : Jesus Christ this blew up. Didn’t know so many of you had to release yo mamas from your system.

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What’s the difference between a joke and four dicks ?

Your mom can’t take a joke.

UK joke - What town uses VPNs the most?

Ipswich

Constipation jokes aren't my favorite.

But they're a solid #2

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First joke I've written, would like some feedback please

There's this guy with a crush on a cashier at the grocery store so he asks her to go on a date and she says yes.

She's got a lot of piercings and while on the date the guy asks her what made her decide to get so many piercings.

She tells him, "when I'm disappointed with a part of my ...

I tried telling a seal clubbing joke to someone from Iqaluit...

but they were having Nunivut.

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A dick joke

It's short, but it always gets laughed at.

A Pole-ish joke

Two engineers…….

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said one, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, ...

I came here to tell you a UDP joke.

But I'd never know if you got it.

i would say a joke about Covid-19 in 2023...

but im getting sick and tired of it!

I’m looking for jokes that you have to work out. My favourite is the one in the below, which was posted here by another user. Does anyone else have any similar ones that you have to think about before finding the funny?

In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him.

To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.

My 5 year olds joke

Why did the turtle cross the road

To get to the shell station

How would you describe a bad joke about pancakes?

Wawful.

The following is a joke from 'Harry Hills Whopping Great Joke Book' and I really don't get it. Could anyone enlighten me?

My wife is a stickler for tidiness. I just bought her a cuckoo clock and she's started putting paper under it.

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What's the difference between my jokes and my dick?

No one laughs at my jokes

Cake day joke: a redditor’s mom saw him sitting in the middle of the road, making a post to r/jokes. “What are you doing son?” she asked, appalled by his recklessness. “It’s my cake day, ma” said the redditor. “What does that have to do with being in the road?” his mom asked. The redditor replied….

I want to get hit with that karma.

Is it mean to tell a knock knock joke to a

Jehovah's Witness?

What's the difference between this joke and the Chinese balloon?

This joke will be shot down immediately.

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(Old joke) A supermarket opened up next to a small grocer and to show how much cheaper they were put a big sign out the front advertising butter.

The grocer used to sell butter for 50p a packet, but the supermarket advertised it for 49p. The next day the grocer put a big sign on the front saying:

Butter: 48p

The supermarket couldn't afford to lose face so the next day it was loudly advertising:

BUTTER, ONLY 47p

How...

An old Music Joke

So a C, an E-flat and a G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.
...

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A joke told by a Bulgarian streamer.

A man's ass is called an anus.
What do you call a woman's ass?
Bonus!

Joke from my 8 year old daughter for Halloween.

Why didn’t the ghost like to take showers?



Because it would dampen his spirits.

A joke with no porpoise.

So there’s these two whales right? And they’re swimming in the ocean. So one whale looks at the other and says….

“OOoOoooOoooooOoooooOooooOoOooOoOoOooooooooOOOOOOOoooOoOoOoOoO *whale noises* oOoooOOo
OoooOOoOooOooOooooOooOoooooooOoOoOoOoooooOoooOOOOOooooo”

Then the other whale says…...

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the joke I'll go to hell for

A woman is giving birth. She pushes and pushes and finally the baby pops free. The doctor holds the baby up by its feet and declares, "it's a handsome baby boy!"

He then punches it in the head, throws it against the wall and runs over and jumps on it with both feet.

The horrified moth...

This is an actual medieval joke from 14th century Florence:

A Florentine had in his home a young man who instructed his children in the elements of knowledge. After a long stay, the young tutor felt himself so much at home that he had in turn the housemaid, the nurse, and finally the mistress herself.

When the master of the house, who was a jovial fel...

Where do dads store all of their jokes?

In the Dadabase

[Request] Self deprecating joke about height for wedding

Long story short, I am officiating a wedding between the 2 tallest and most stunning friends I have. I am about 5'9 VS his 6'4 I would like to make some jab about them not being able to get anyone taller or when they asked me i immediately started thinking about how tall of a stool I would need to f...

My annual cake day joke repost - how can you tell the difference between a plumber and a chemist?

Ask them to pronounce unionized

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I asked a prostitute how I was doing (classic joke)

I asked a prostitute how I was doing and she said “Three nots”
“What’s Three Nots?”
“You’re not hard, it’s not in and you’re not getting your money back”

Why should you never tell a chemistry joke?

Because you won’t get a reaction.

Tree joke

I had a tree I wanted removed ,because it was to close to the house. I called a tree guy and he came out and did a nice job cutting down the tree. He ask me what I thought and I said it was nice but what about the stump ?..He informed me that he was just a tree guy who cut down trees, If I wanted th...

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(True joke) In 1960, after winning his olympic gold medal, Muhammad Ali went to eat at a fancy downtown resteraunt.

When the waiter came over Ali asked for a cheeseburger.

Shocked to see a black man sitting in the resteraunt, the waiter announced "We don't serve Negroes".

Ali: "Well I don't eat them either, just give me my damn cheeseburger".

It's my cake day, so one of my favorite jokes ... A sixteen year-old boy came home with a brand new Ford F150.

His parents look at the truck and ask, "Where did you get that truck?!"

"I bought it today," he says. "With what money?" says his mother. They knew what a new F150 cost.

"Well," he says, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars."

The father looks at him like he's crazy. "Who wo...

the joke is originally in persian but i think it works in english too

kid:"hey mom are you adding carrots to that soup?"

mom:"yeah, i know you dont like carrots but dont worry, you wont taste the carrot at all"

kid:"then why do you add carrots?"

mom:"because it makes it tastier"

My Uncle Jackie turned 80 years young today. He loves telling jokes. Here is one he tells every Thanksgiving, and it gets a huge laugh every time. Enjoy, and Happy birthday Uncle Jackie!

A 75 year old man, his hair is completely white, marries a 22 year old girl and she gets pregnant. Nine months later he is siting in the maternity ward, talking to the nurse.

"Hey! Well how'd I do?"

The nurse says "she had twins!"

"Hehehe! Just goes to show, even if there is ...

First attempt at writing a joke!

I started a new job this week.

On my first day it was my co-worker Frank's birthday; we gathered around his desk to sing happy birthday and share a cake.

Just as we finished singing the office door slammed open.

In strides a creature: upper body of a man, lower body of a hors...

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a man meets his fiancée's father (not OC but my father's favourite joke)

A man is invited to meet his fiancée’s father for the very first time and is understandably nervous.
Unfortunately, he is also a little gassy from some food the night before.
He is sitting in the living room, right next to the dog and directly across from his future father-in-law, when sudde...

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It’s my cake day, so here’s a joke!

what do you call someone that doesn’t masturbate?




A liar.

Please don't make jokes about crucifixion.

Unless you really nail the execution.

It's not that Chuck Norris jokes are making a comeback.

He's just allowing you to laugh at them again.

What do you call an illogical joke about Indian food ?

What do you call an illogical joke about Indian food

A naan sequitur

What do you call a woman who tells dad jokes?

A faux pas.

I was about to tell some new jokes about the expensive eggs I bought

But before I could, someone poached them.

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Joke #3481 A man receives the bad news that he's going to die in the morning

Through an unfortunate miracle of medical science, a man receives the worst news possible from his doctor.

"I'm sorry, but tomorrow morning at precisely 7:23, you're going to have a brain clot that will kill you."

The man is stunned. "But I don't even feel sick!"

The doctor exp...

A joke (long)

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.

The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?"

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it ...

I felt a little bad about posting a joke about the Amish

Oh well, it's not like they'll ever read it.

I walked into my wife’s room and told a joke.

It was so good, even the closet laughed.

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Here's a joke I wrote... maybe it's dumb, but really fun to tell.

So, I went to the Home Depot today and stumbled upon this new device used in the emergency room to re-attach a man's private parts after an accident. And guess what? It's nothing but a staple gun! But, sometimes, they mess up and attach it to the wrong person, and I heard they had to invent ANOTHER ...

a joke i thought of today, hope you enjoy

What's the most dangerous part of any church/chapel?
Pew! Pew! Pew!

dyslexia isnt something to joke about...

anyhow, a man walks into a bra...

My deaf sister asked me if I wanted to hear a joke.

I said: Sure.

She said: Me too!

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I was going to make an anal joke

Butt fuck it

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My jokes are like semen

Sometimes they land and stick

Other times they are hard to swallow

I did a gig at statistics seminar. Told 100 jokes to try and make people laugh.

No pun in ten did.

I was gonna make a joke about a really old plane

But I don't think it would fly today

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Anyone hear the joke about the guy with 5 penises?

His pants fit like a glove

Did i ever tell you the joke about the gas lighter?

Yes I did, I told you yesterday. You never listen to me.

I keep telling a joke about a bird that's always flying.

It never lands.

We really need to stop with all the Chuck Norris jokes!!!

Do you want him to find out you’re laughing at him?

My son wanted to hear a basketball joke.

I couldn't think of any so I did what anyone would do...

Me: "Alexa, tell me a basketball joke."

Alexa: "The last time the Boston Celtics won a championship, I didn't exist!"

From my niece, who doesn't know why grownups are laughing at her joke...

All of Snow White's seven dwarfs were in a hot tub, feeling happy.

So Happy got out.

She's six. Don't know where she heard this.

My 8-year-old wrote a dinosaur joke

What do you get when you cross a T-Rex and a human?

A T-Rex

Want to hear my Amelia Earhart joke?

Never mind.

It doesn't land.

A joke my 7 year old son came up with.

- What app does the clock have installed on his phone?

- TikTok

(Old joke) A Polish man is in the bread line

A guy pops his head out and says, "sorry, but we are out of bread." The Pole in line begins shouting: "I have lived in this country all my life! I have lived my life for Communism! Now I have no bread after waiting in line for 2 hours! What were we fighting for? Communism sucks! I hate this country!...

Why did the eyeball give dry jokes?

It ran out of aqueous humor.

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Old Fart Joke. Years ago (late 1980's) I was travelling through Schiphol (Amsterdam) airport.

As I waited for the bus to the hotel, I noted all the posted flyers for "massage". I thought, what the hell, and jotted down a phone number.

When I got to the hotel I dialed the number and a woman answered with "how can I help you?" Boy, did she sound sexy.

I told her "I would like to ...

Ideas for Physical Puns/Jokes?

I enjoy doing physical puns/jokes to brighten up work, but I'm running out of ideas. Any ideas people have would be greatly appreciated!

I work in a school, so child-friendly jokes would be best.

Examples of ones I've done so far:

- putting a leek in the cupboard and panicking a...

Why do blind people get so offended by every joke?

It's all dark humour.

Chuck norris joke. Had to.

There is no future. That’s just the present running away from Chuck Norris. That’s why they say there’s no tomorrow.

Joke Factory: Why did the [NOUN] go to the [LOCATION]?

Give me a random NOUN and LOCATION using the above format, and I'll give you the punchline.

For example:

Why did the soldier go to the beach?He was caught in a sand-off and came back shell-shocked.

Ready? Go!

\--

My kid came home and asked if I wanted to hear a dirty joke…

He said: 2 pigs fell in the mud and three came out

I have a Civil Engineering joke

But it's still under construction!

Did you hear the joke about dehydration?

Dehydration is not a joke

I told a joke about miscarriage to a group of women, but none of them laughed.

I guess it was a bad delivery

With all the coffee jokes lately, I've realized something...

My coffee is just like my wife.

Ice cold, with no cream in it.

A spicy joke

Spice Girl Melanie C planned to write a book on the history of portraiture...

But apparently "Chisholm on Faces" wasn't an appropriate title.

I wanted to make a joke about time travel

But no matter how far back I go there’s a repost already

y’all ever heard any monorail jokes?

i hear they make good one-liners.

That his punchline comes before the joke

Chuck Norris is so powerful at stand up comedy...

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Since we're doing little Johnny jokes....

Little Johnny's teacher sends the kids home with an assignment to find a story with a moral to it. The next day, the teacher asks, "Who would like to share their story?"

Little Johnny's hand shoots straight up, and the teacher wisely ignores him. "Susie, why don't you go first?"

Susie ...

My dog: “daddy, I’m bored, tell me a joke”…

Me: “ok, here goes, knock knock…”

My dog: “WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF”

Trombonist joke

A trombonist returns home from the practice with the trombone on the back seat of his car.
He needs to stop to do groceries.
When he returns to his car, he sees that his car's window is broken.
He thinks "I hope they stole my trombone".
Comes closer and sees the second trombone in his c...

How does every Mexican joke start?

By looking over your shoulder.

Why do Americans rarely tell jokes about mass shootings?

Because it’s always too soon….

Does anyone know any good Groundhog Day jokes?

I just keep hearing the same one over and over and over...

This is an old joke that my teacher told me when I was little and most people probably already know it but I remember loving it.

A police officer pulls over a man who has penguins in the backseat of the car.
"Sir you can't have penguins in your car. Bring them to the zoo or something," the police officer tells the man.
The next day, the police officer sees the man again. Again, the penguins are in the backseat of the c...

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My first time posting a joke here. I first heard this one as a teenager and I've been telling it for at least 35 years now. I hope you enjoy it as much as I have. It's a long one, so be ready.

There once was a young, newlywed couple who just arrived in their honeymoon suite after a wonderful day spent celebrating their union with family and friends. The newlyweds, having both grown up in very sheltered homes, had no experience in the matters of sex and had pledged to one another to wait u...

I used to steal Mitch Hedberg jokes.

I still do. But I used to too.

(Original Joke?) What do you call a stick figure who is enthusiastic about working out?

A gymna-stick.

What makes a joke a ‘dad joke’?

When it’s apparent.

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What's the difference between 3 cocks and a joke?

Your mum can't take a joke.

Two women are chatting at work [short joke]

Two women are chatting at work.


The first woman says, “my husband surprised me with flowers last night. You know what that means, I’m going to have to spend the entire weekend with my legs in the air….”


Her coworker replies, “why don’t you just buy a vase?”

I have a few jokes about unemployed people...

Unfortunately none of them work

The secret to a pizza joke...

...is in the delivery.

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That's the thing about sex jokes.

I don't get it.

I have a civil service joke to tell

…but before you can hear it you need to complete Form P-994731XT, in triplicate, then have it notarized, then file it with the Department of Jokes, who will review it within 120 days, and if it is approved they’ll issue you a Form 771F, which, when filed with the IRS authorizes you to receive an app...

Mathematical joke - Why did Sin go to the beach?

Cos he wanted a Tan

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What does it mean if you're gullible about dick jokes?

You're a sucker.

What's interesting is that this joke can now be reused and instead of Soviet Union we can just say; current day Russia

In Russia a Man Goes to Buy a Car...

He goes up to the owner and asks for a car, to which the owner responds:

'You know there is a 10 year waiting list?'

The man then answers, 'OK,' and after some time he then agreed to buy a car.

So he pays for the car in advance, and ju...

my first published joke

My wife and I were not doing well in the bedroom. So we decided to go to an adult store. My wife, being from Kentucky, was a little hesitant as she felt that good southern girls shouldn't be there. After browsing a while, we each picked a few items, paid and left. When we got home she showed me a bo...

Hi-Tech Tire Flat Joke, revisited

I got a flat in a high-tech tire on my bicycle.

I contacted the manufacturer, and they downloaded a patch.

Unfortunately, it was a cheap, 2-bit patch

Only covered a quarter of the byte the dog took out of my tire.

Here’s a mean joke.

You’re kinda average.

If I had a dollar for every misogynistic joke I made

I'd have 77 cents

Why can't you tell pirate jokes to kids?

Because they're all ARRRRR rated!

50 Jokes for 50 US States Part II

# Alaska

An Alaskan was on trial in Anchorage. The prosecutor leaned menacingly toward him and asked, 'Where were you on the night of October to April?'

Disclaimer: This is not my joke. And I sure hope that its not a repost from any of the subs. I am sure that there will be numerous va...

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Do you guys know what makes the difference between a good joke and a bad joke?

The Pizza

Wait no fuck...

I meant the delivery

Joke I heard on a Russian political discussion show.

Do honest politicians exist?
Of course! But they are the most expensive!

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We all know the joke about a family's surname being based on their ancestors' profession, so what did John Hancock's family do?

The real question is, what the hell were Emily Dickinson's ancestors up to?

What is your best Chuck Norris joke(I’ll start)

Chuck Norris doesn’t pay attention, attention pays Chuck Norris

Q:"Are Schrodinger joke any good?"

A: "I donno man. Depends on the observing public."

math joke

a mathematician went to a church where tanning was not permitted. he had justt been at the beach so the priest told him to leave. He asked: why? the priest answered:

cos tan sin

My 12 year old just told me a joke

He said “I’ve been trying to cut down the amount of video games I play, I’m only playing for 30 minutes before I go to bed. Last night I went to bed 8 times.”

I came up with this joke about a month ago, just remembered to post it.

A young woman had a real big problem, all her life it took her forever to go pee. Sometimes she would be sitting on the toilet for several minutes of agony before she could squeeze out a drop. It also made her so self-conscious that she was scared to date, despite being a fairly attractive woman....

Since many of the posts on here are "Yo Mama jokes" and many others are "Chuck Norris" jokes, can any of the brilliant minds who post on here combine the two memes into a single joke?

Chuck Norris used a roundhouse kick to move yo mama, because when she sits around the house, she really sits **around the house**.

Wanna hear a dad joke?

Well, too bad. It left to go get the milk a year ago.

I made a time travel joke but no one got it.

I guess it was ahead of its time.

A soviet joke about censorship that I found in my school book

An American tells a Russian that people in USA have the freedom of speech and that he even could go to the White House and shout:"Go to hell, Ronald Reagan!"

The russian answers:"Oh, we also have freedom of speech. I, too, can go to Kremlin and shout:" Go to hell, Ronald Reagan!"

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[Final Cake Day joke] A 70 year old man goes into a brothel. He picks out a young pretty woman, ....

... they go up to her room, strip down and climb into bed.


The old man performs like a teenager, the prostitute is amazed at how energetic and agile he is, she tells him if he can do it like that again, she'll give him one for free.


He says "Yeah, I can, but I need to tak...

Socialism jokes are always funny

‘Cause everyone thinks they get them but they actually don’t.

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I’m back with another shitty joke for y’all. So an armed man runs into a real estate agency and screams…

NOBODY MOVE!!!

~11 year old joke, but I still think it's funny: What's the national bird of Afghanistan?

*"DUCK!!"*

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A local joke from my country

So Bill works for the secret services and gets sent to Russia to spy on them. Eventually he got caught and the russians start torturing him in order to get the nuclear missile codes of Bill’s country. Bill shows incredible strength and integrity and doesn’t say a word. The russians are impressed wit...

I like my jokes like I like my broken mailboxes.

Promptly reposted and hopefully nobody notices.

I dreamed this joke

Seems quite strange, but in my dream I came up with this joke, and upon waking it actually makes sense as a joke to my great surprise. Usually when you have flashes of inspiration in a dream you wake up and realise it made absolutely zero sense.

Here's the joke.

Two horses were best ...

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Alright, screw it... here is my contribution to this sub. This is a joke from my HS days that, whomever I've shared it with, has had a healthy roar. Hope ya'll like it.

A man and his gf go into a bar. He walks over to grab a table and she heads straight for the bar. While she's waiting for their drinks, this absolutely hammered guy a few feet away leans over to her and goes: I just wanna tell you, you have an incredible rack on you.
She responds: Look pal, I'...

How does a computer respond to a good joke?

101

When my wife gave birth I didn’t feel the dad jokes kicking in,

But my brother became a comedian overnight.

Joke a kid told me today: Why did the rooster go to KFC?

He wanted to see a chicken strip

What’s your favorite “yo mamma” joke?

One of my favorites: your mama’s armpits are so hairy it looks like she has Buckwheat in a headlock.

I can't stand reading unoriginal jokes on reddit

Thankfully, I spend most of the day sat down.

A Joke my kid told me

A guy goes to buy a notebook at the stationery shop. He finds a good one wrapped in plastic for $10, so he takes it up to the counter. The cashier rings it up, but tells the guy no matter what, not to look at the last page. The guy thinks it’s an odd thing to say, but pays the $10 and takes the note...

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Whats the difference between a politician and a hooker?

A hooker will stop fucking you once you run out of money.

Edit: As somebody observed below, this joke is as old as the sun, yet never gets old.

Considering all the comments, it's a fair conclusion that hookers would make honest politicians, if there is such a thing.

I tried to come up with a good joke about vampires but couldn’t.

They all suck.

Plant joke

What did one British succulent say to the other? Aloe mate!

This sub could do with more Geology jokes

No pressure.

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Another parrot joke.

A society woman receives a parrot as a gift. She quickly teaches the parrot to announce the various guests who arrive at her many parties. As Mr. and Mrs. Smith arrive, the parrot would say, "Introducing Mr. and Mrs. Smith." As Mr. and Mrs. Jones arrived, the parrot would say, "Introducing Mr. and M...

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