Why do Americans rarely tell jokes about mass shootings?

Because it’s always too soon.



^(i feel bad)

My Gramps just passed away. This was his favorite joke to tell.

*Sorry for the meta of this, I'm still reeling a little. I post two or three (or ten--sorry for breaking rules) jokes on this sub every day. A lot of them are simply awful, but they're all original, and my Gramps was a huge inspiration for me becoming a comedy "writer." But this is an old joke, and ...

A Holocaust survivor passed away, went to heaven, and told God a Holocaust joke

God: Holocaust jokes aren’t funny

Holocaust Survivor: I guess you had to be there

Wiki joke

Officer: “I’m arresting you for downloading all of Wikipedia”
Man: “No wait! I can explain everything!”

Possibly the greatest dad joke of my dad’s whole career

Preface: I’ve been sick in bed for 10 days with infectious mononucleosis or ‘mono’


So, Mom brought home some pie and she gave me a slice. I only had like half of it because it was making me nauseous so she decided to save it for me. But I guess Dad didn’t know that so he ate the rest of ...

I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people

But none of them work

High I.Q joke

Two chemists walk into a bar. The first one says “I’ll have H2O please”. The second chemist says “I’ll have water too”. The first chemist scowls, his assassination attempt failed.

My girlfriend told me this joke ten years ago. We've been married nine years today.

A penguin is driving to the mall when all of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood. Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to i...

I was going to make a fat joke

It didn't work out.

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Jokes about homosexuals are not funny.

I mean come on guys.

I’m so tired of jokes about chinese people

There’s like a billion of them and they’re all the same

People think my diabetes jokes are harsh.

But it’s not like I can sugarcoat it.

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, “Wanna hear a blonde joke?”

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something, our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde, Im a 6’ tall, 200lb black belt, the guy sitting next to me is 6’2”, weighs 225, and he’s a rugby player, the fella on your right is 6’5” pushing 300 and...

I don't get the appeal of school shooter jokes.

I guess they're aimed at a younger audience.

My 11 year old Niece told me this joke today.

A dad is driving his three kids to school. The first kid asks, "Dad, why did you call me blossom?" The dad answered, "when you were born and we left the hospital, a leaf fell from a blossom tree. So we called you blossom."

The second kid then asks, "why did you call me Daisy?" The dad answere...

A bilingual joke! (English/Spanish)

A Spanish man goes into a department store looking for a specific item of clothing. But he can't find what he's looking for and he doesn't know the English word for it.

So he grabs a salesperson and says, "Tienes calcetines?"

"I'm sorry, I don't know what that is," the salesperson says...

An ancient Soviet joke

One day, while inspecting an army base, Stalin realises his pipe is missing. He calls his secret police to help him find it. When he goes home, he finds his pipe on his couch. He notifies the secret police.

"Comrade Nikolai, I have found my pipe already, stop all search operations for it."...

I wanted to post a joke about sodium

But then I was like Na, people wont understand.

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Me: I'm terrified of random letters

Therapist: You are?

Me: *SCREAMS*

Therapist: Oh I see

Me: *SCREAMING INTENSIFIES*

I tell dad jokes

Sometimes he laughs

A bear walks into bar. Bartender asks, “What would you like to drink”? Bear says, “I’ll have a rum and coke...

My Boss: What’s the joke? I don’t get it.

Me: What do you mean you don’t get it? Just think about it.

My Boss: The Bear can talk?

Me: No, that’s not the joke.

My Boss: The Bear can walk into a bar?

Me: No, that’s not the joke either.

My Boss: The Bear likes ...

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I dont own this joke. But i havent forgotten about it for five years.

Son: "Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?"

Father: "Sure son. What's the question?"

Son: "What is Politics?"

Father: "Well, let's take our home for an example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me "Capitalism". your mother is the administra...

Every time I post a joke to this sub it gets downvoted

uʍop ǝpᴉsdn ǝuo sᴉɥʇ ǝʇᴉɹʍ ll,I oS

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A coworker told me a joke about Oedipus and King Midas today.

It was motherfucking gold.

My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary.

Well the jokes on them – they're imaginary too.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Translation of the Bulgarian variation of the 1st day of school joke.

It's the 1st day of school at an American Middle School.

The teacher introduces the new student - Takiro Suzuki from Japan.

Class starts and she says:

- Now we will see if you know your history. Who said "Give me liberty, or give me death!"?

No one knows b...

A Priest, Rabbi and Atheist walk into a bar and each ask for a drink.

The bartender, saying nothing and looking disdainful, points to a sign clearly labelled: NO JOKES SERVED HERE

Without a fight the Priest, Rabbi and Atheist leave the bar, heads hanging.

The next day a chicken walks in and plops down on the barstool.

Wiping the inside of a glass,...

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I wasn't going to tell this joke, because it's offensive to blind people

But you know what, fuck em'



They're not going to see this.

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that's okay, because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded.

We clicked pretty quickly, and sta...

My (Swedish) grandfather told me this joke

A Swedish immigrant finally arrives at Ellis Island after days at sea, and with only $15 in his pocket. He's eager to get a job, find a place to live, and start his new life in America, but after such a long and hard journey, his first stop is to get a drink to unwind!

He walks into the first...

Mental illness joke. (I have this illness so I'm laughing at myself) I used to have a beautiful girlfriend who loved and cherished me before I got diagnosed with Schizophrenia

Then they put me on some pills and she disappeared

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandma used to tell us this joke. She’d say, “knock knock,” we’d say, “who’s there?”

Then she’d say “I can’t remember!” and start to cry. And we’d laugh and laugh to make her feel better, but she was shit at telling jokes.

I would post a joke about Buddhism

But I don’t have enough karma

Told my friends I had a date with this cute girl and they made fun of me saying she was made up, but jokes on them.

They’re made up too

Communist jokes aren't funny....

Unless every one gets them

My first attempt at writing a joke, please take it easy on me.

A man walks into a candy shop, as he is perusing around the shop he notices the shopkeep waving him over to the counter. Not sure what he is really looking for he makes his way over to the counter to see if the shopkeep can be of any assistance.

Man: I'm not quite sure what I'm looking for, n...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Where lawyers come from...Joke

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn't sure it was such a good idea.



The Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?"



She said that she did.



He asked, "Does it hurt you?" Sh...

My favourite joke: Now Hiring

A dog sees a "Now hiring" poster outside of a computer store. The poster reads:

"Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer."



The dog takes the poster in his mouth, and walks in. The manager spots the dog, and deci...

*CORPORATE JOKE*

Agency: " Sir, we found 3 candidates as per your requirements. How do you want their placements, sir?"

MD: "Put about 100 bricks in a closed room. Then send the candidates into the room and close the door, leave them alone and come back after a few hours and analyse the situation:

...

I’ve been working on a Scandinavian joke.

It would be Swede if I could Finnish it, but right now there’s just Norway.

Can we ban "Yo Momma" jokes from this sub? They're old, stupid, and have been done by literally everyone hundreds of times

Just like yo mama

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My 6-year-old's joke

Q: Why did the butt walk to work?



A: Because it was out of gas.

My four year old neighbor buddy just told me this joke he made up: what do you call a bunny rabbit with no ears?

A backpack.


P.s. I love nonsensical kid jokes.

What award did the inventor of knock knock jokes recieve?

The No Bell Prize

"Remember that funny knock-knock joke?"

"Doesn't ring a bell."

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My favorite uncle told this joke about a week before he passed away. He did it with a thick Irish brogue.

A priest and a nun were talking and the priest said, “Sister, if you hadn’t been a nun what do think you would have been?” The nun thought for a minute and said, “If I hadn’t been a nun I probably would have been a prostitute.” The priest was shocked and said, “Now sister I don’t think I heard you q...

It’s my cake day so a joke for everyone

A polar bear walks into a bar and the bartender says

“What’ll it be today?”

The bear says “give me a gin and.........................tonic”

The bartender says “sure thing but why the big pause?”

The bear looks down and says “I dunno? I was just born with them. “

Someone told me i’m not very good at telling jokes.

And then i said, thats not a camel, thats my wife!

I was going to tell a joke about snow...

But it's a bit flaky

I stayed up all night trying to think of a joke.

And then it dawned on me.

Why are there no knock knock jokes about the USA?

Because Freedom rings

People often ask why I’m so good at Dad jokes and it’s simple.

I take an ordinarily terrible pun and take it even father.

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first mathematician orders a beer.


The second orders half a beer.


"I don't serve half-beers," the bartender replies.


"Excuse me?" asks mathematician #2.


The bartender remarks, "What kind of bar serves half-beers? That's ridiculous."


"Oh c'mo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between 3 cocks and a joke?

Your Mom can't take a joke!

Stalin was visiting a town (actual joke from Soviet era)

Stalin was visiting a small town in Russia. Huge crowd was there to receive him, holding signs with words of praise for Stalin, Party, Union etc.

Among them, secret police officers spotted a particularly old man holding a sign saying "Thank you comrade Stalin, for a happy childhood!".
...

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