UPJOKE
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My 12 year old just told me a joke

He said “I’ve been trying to cut down the amount of video games I play, I’m only playing for 30 minutes before I go to bed. Last night I went to bed 8 times.”

I told a joke about miscarriage to a group of women, but none of them laughed.

I guess it was a bad delivery

I used to steal Mitch Hedberg jokes.

I still do. But I used to too.

Joke Factory: Why did the [NOUN] go to the [LOCATION]?

Give me a random NOUN and LOCATION using the above format, and I'll give you the punchline.

For example:

Why did the soldier go to the beach?He was caught in a sand-off and came back shell-shocked.

Ready? Go!

\--

Why do Americans rarely tell jokes about mass shootings?

Because it’s always too soon….

How does every Mexican joke start?

By looking over your shoulder.

A soviet joke about censorship that I found in my school book

An American tells a Russian that people in USA have the freedom of speech and that he even could go to the White House and shout:"Go to hell, Ronald Reagan!"

The russian answers:"Oh, we also have freedom of speech. I, too, can go to Kremlin and shout:" Go to hell, Ronald Reagan!"

Joke Of The Month

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer
in his room, so he decided to send an email to his
wife. He accidentally typed the wrong email
address, and without realising he sent the email to
a widow who had just returned from her
husband's funeral. The widow decided to check
h...

A Gorbachev joke my dad told me a few years ago

Mikhail Gorbachev visits the US and meet with Ronald Reagan. They talk about how each country chooses their second in command. Gorbachev says that the Communist Party gives rigorous exams and screenings to choose the second in command. Reagan says he gives a test to figure out who to choose. He call...

Alexa, tell me a joke

Alexa, tell me a joke. ...Alexa? Alexa?

Sorry, I wasn't listening. I thought you deserved some privacy.

Really? Well, that's nic-

Would you like to hear another joke?

Finally a smart blonde joke

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and Needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz...

A blond Joke I've only heard once before.

A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16-year-olds.

She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun kicking a ball.

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

'You ok?' she says.

'Ye...

As a doctor, I never make a joke about an unvaccinated child.

But I think …. I’ll give it a shot.

what is the best thing about dead baby jokes?

they never get old

I've decided to learn jokes in sign language

Then I can guarantee no one's heard them before.

My friends told me a joke so funny that it stopped water from flowing

It was damn funny

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What’s the difference between 3 cocks and a joke?

Your mom can’t take a joke!

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Another golf joke

A golfer hits his ball into a yard next to the golf course.

As he goes to get it, a man in the yard says,

\- "Don't you see the sign? It says, 'Private property - Stay Out!'"

The golfer says,

\- "I'm sorry I did not see it. That is my ball there. May I have it... please...

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The joke I always think of when asked “what’s your favourite joke?”

Didja hear about the Cutlery Gang downtown? They’ve started pronouncing the silent ‘k’ in words. Those kniving bastards!

Joke I read on Facebook a few years ago.

A man came into a shop with a
'Salesman Wanted' sign in a window.

He went up to the owner and said, "I- I-I w-w-waannn-t the j-joooob-b."

"I don't know if this job would suit you because of your speaking impediment,"

said the owner.

"I h-h-havvve a w-wi-wiiiife and s-s...

A dirty joke from the 1400s...

In Florence, a young woman, somewhat of a simpleton, was on the point of delivering a baby. She had long been enduring acute pain, and the midwife, candle in hand, inspected her secret area, in order to ascertain if the child was coming. “Look also on the other side,” said the poor creature, “my hus...

An old Soviet joke

A Soviet delegation visits an American car factory.

"Whose factory is that?" asks a Soviet visitor.

"It belongs to capitalist billionaire Henry Ford," answers the American guide.

"And whose are the hundreds of cars in the parking lot?" asks the visitor.

"They belong to th...

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Duck joke

So, you're in a bar and want to have a bit of fun and impress someone.

While you're leading up to this, you should take a bar napkin and rip it in into little 1" squares. Make a fist, and stick the squares in the middle of it.

So then you say to the person you're going to impress, "How...

Norm McDonald Joke: A man walks up and orders food.

Man walks up to the employee and says "Yeah, I would like uhhh...the Polish sausage." The employee kinda chuckles and says "Polish sausage, you must be Polish?" The man now angry yells " HEY, JUST CAUSE I ORDERED A POLISH SAUSAGE DON'T MAKE ME POLISH! IF I ORDERED FRENCH FRIES DOES THST MAKE ME FREN...

Told a joke that was so good at work the other day.

So good in fact, that HR wanted to hear it.

Too soon for COVID jokes?

COVID is like fashion…

We started hearing about it in Italy…

Became popular in LA and NYC…

Florida ignored it…

And it was all made in China in the end.

A good Internet Explorer joke. [Long]

Loading...

In 1978, the Jonestown massacre happened where 909 ppl lost their lives. You never hear too many jokes about it…

because the punchline is too long.

A Soviet joke

A group of friends stays in a hotel in Soviet Russia. One of them ended up in a separate room and is trying to fall asleep. His friends, however, are loudly talking and telling each other political jokes in the next room. So he decides to prank them a bit. Calls downstairs, orders some coffee to the...

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I paid a homeless man $1 for this joke.

Two men crash into each other at an intersection. First man steps out of his wrecked car screaming:

"You son-of-a-bitch, you wrecked my Jag! I'm a lawyer, I'm going to sue you for everything you have!"

Other man responds, "You Lawyers only care about money, you don't even realize you j...

"Do you know why I don't make fat jokes?"

"No. Why?"

"Because they wouldn't be appreciated by the wider audience."

A very 1950's naughty joke my very proper Mother told...

A young couple got married and the wife couldn't cook. But they were still in the honeymoon phase, so the first night after they got home, the husband comes home from work and the wife says "I'm sorry I burned dinner." So the husband says "That's all right honey let's just make love."

The...

A joke my girlfriend told me

Two crows were in a field when they noticed a figure that looked like a man in the distance

"See that over there? What is that?" Says the first crow

The second crows takes a long look, "That's a scarecrow. Looks authentic, doesn't it"

"How can you tell it's a scarecrow and not a...

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Prostitute Joke.

Man : How much for a blowjob?

Prostitute : Ummm $20

Man : Ohhh Damn, it was $80 for my friend. I guess
I am your favourite.

Prostitute : Cut it out, I charge $10 per inch.

A joke my mom told me when i was younger

An irish man decides to go for a drink after work. He goes to a local pub and has way too many and when the end of the night comes hes completely plastered. He goes to stand up and immediately falls right on his face. He crawls all the way home and crawls into bed and falls asleep. In the morning hi...

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I was going to make an anal joke...

Butt fuck it.

I'd tell a joke about trickle-down economics ...

... but 99% of you won't get it.

What to hear a joke about pizza?

Never mind it’s too cheesy.

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An Old Jewish Joke. Literally.

Abe and Rachel, both 91, lived in The Villages in Florida . They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each others company.

After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Abe asked Rachel out for dinner, and much to his delight, she accepted.

They had...

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Have you heard the joke about Oedipus and Midas?

It's motherfucking gold.

I thought of a joke about capitalism.

But not all of you would get it.

My mom's favorite joke [clean]

Q: How do you make a tissue dance?

A: Put a lil boogie in it.

Why shouldn't you joke about broken legs?

Because it's not Humerus

I tried to come up with a joke about restraining orders.

But this is as close as I’m allowed to get.

I have a joke about time travel

….. but I'm not gonna share it. You guys didn't like it.

Oh I thought of a really funny joke about Buddy Holly , Ritchie Valens , and the big bopper

I decided not to tell it . Because it won’t land good.

Why are blonde jokes so short?

So men can remember them.

I was going to post a joke about abortion

But Reddit killed it before I could deliver it

8 year old son's greatest joke

My son told me this joke years ago and it still is my favourite joke. He came home from school one day and says 'Dad, I have a joke for you.' I said, oh yes, let's hear it. Very low expectations at this point. He said 'Why did the chicken cross the road?', I replied with the usual, 'I don't know son...

Long joke

A man is driving down a highway, and he hits and kills a rabbit. He gets out of the car and walks over to the rabbit. He picks it up and starts crying, thinking he’s a horrible person. Someone else driving down the highway stops and walks over to him, and asks, “What happened?” The man replies, “I h...

What do you call a zombie that doesn't joke around?

Dead serious

What did the pirate yell when he found out the joke was not original?

ARRRRRRHH/Jokes

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A Dirty Joke from the 14th Century

The joke comes to us from Jean de Conde of Hainaut, born 1275:

A game of truth-telling is being played at court by a Queen and her retinue. A knight is asked by the Queen if he has fathered any children; he is forced to admit that he has not.

The Queen nods in assent, saying "you do no...

Do you know why there are so many Chuck Norris jokes but not many Bruce Lee ones?

Because Bruce Lee is no joke.

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Funny marital joke

A man walks into his house with a duck under his arm. He walks up to his wife and says, " This is the pig I've been fucking." The wife says, " That's not a pig. It's a duck." The man replies, "I'm not talking to you."

It's risky making jokes about 9/11

Not all of them land

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Having homosexual parents must be terrible

Either you have double dosage of dad jokes or you are stuck in cycle of “go ask your mom”

Why are obese jokes so offensive?

Because fat people have enough on their plate.

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What do you call it when someone shits themself as a joke?

Self deficating humor.

Joke for economics nerds

A physicist and an economist are invited to a classroom to make a presentation to get the children interested in their field of study. The physicist goes first.

He produces a ball and announces, “I will time this ball falling to the ground and, without looking at the stopwatch, tell you how l...

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A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable. (one of my favourite jokes, worth the read)



However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they can't afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the z...

In response to the "You're not a monk" joke

A priest was tidying up his church after a sermon, when a man comes in.
"I am sorry to bother you father, but can I ask you half of a lemon?"

"Of course my son." said the priest and he fetched half a lemon for the man. "But, before I give it to you, can you tell me why do you need it?"...

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A joke a 70 year old man I met in a bar told me

A bunch of sperm cells are sitting around in a guy's balls. All of them are normal, except for one cell named Dave. Dave is lifting weights, doing push-ups, sit-ups, and running. The other sperm cells ask him what he's doing. He gives an answer:

"Listen guys, there are millions of us here. On...

3 jokes told to me by an older gentleman at the grocery store

Have you heard the one about the jump rope? That’s OK we’ll skip it.

Have you heard the one about the bed? It hasn’t been made up yet.

Do you know why blind people don’t skydive? It scares the hell out of the dog.

Backstory: I have pretty severe PTSD and things like running t...

old joke

Husband is standing next to his dying wife. Wife tells him darling before i die i have a confession to make, please open up the box that is under the bed. Husband does it and finds 50k dollars and 3 chicken eggs. The man asks what's the deal with the 3 eggs?. Wife explains that every time she cheate...

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my best/worst joke

Sorry for any formatting/language issues!

A man is sitting at work, when suddenly his supervisor walks by and asks:
-hey man, how are you doing? Listen. I need to ask you something. Have you ever seen a penguin?
The man thinks for a second and answers that no, he hasn't.
-YOU HAVE N...

An unemployed guy sees an ad in the paper that says "Photographer wanted for Miami-based luxury bikini line". Thinking it to be a joke, the guy calls the number in the ad.

"Hello," he says. "Is that photographer ad a joke?"

"No," says the voice on the other line. "One of our photographers died suddenly last week, and we're looking for a new one."

"Cool! I've been looking for a new job for a while, and this seems like it could be a very fine job for me."<...

what is the difference between a good joke and a bad

joke timing

Did you hear about the guy that invented the knock knock joke?

He won a Nobel Prize.

How does a turkey start a knock knock joke?

Gobble Gobble.

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A joke my nephew told me recently... Why do ducks have feathers?

To cover their ass quack

It's inappropriate to tell a dad joke if you're not a dad.

It's a faux pa.

a joke translated from turkish

Once upon a time there was a pit in a village, people used to wound themselves from falling into the pit. 3 elders of the village unite to a find a solution to this pit.

First one says that we should place an ambulance next to the pit, that way people will get to the hospital faster

Se...

What is the Funniest soviet joke?

What is the Funniest soviet joke?



An old man was scattered on the sidewalk and accidentally fell into the river beside the road, shouting for help! The two policemen heard it, turned a blind eye, and continued to talk and laugh as they walked. The old man became anxious and shouted "D...

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Worst joke I know (nsfw)

I was eating out this chick and I tasted horse semen.
So I looked up and said " Ew grandma! Is that how you died?"

The Truth About My Jokes

It has recently been brought to my attention that many of the jokes I tell my friends, family and peers can be classified as 'Dad jokes.' Moreover, it turns out that most of the people I share these with don't actually enjoy them, they've just given up on me stopping at this point.


Two ...

A woman is flirting with a Russian man at a bar(a joke)

She says,


"Hi, handsome, what do you do for a living?"


The Russian replies,


"I work for KGB."


"Cool, tell me an interesting story!"


"About me or about you?"

Lightbulb Jokes (OC)

There is a large number of lightbulbs jokes that go, "How many X does it take to screw in a lightbulb?", with X ranging from blondes to bolsheviks. But why is it that the answer never equals one? Grandma knew why: Many hands make light work.

The Most Dad Joke of Puns!

All the best Puns are written down on paper. That way, they're truly tear-able.

Also it's my cake day!

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A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. He’s telling a dumb-blonde joke

when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet. “What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?” she demands. “What does hair colour have to do with my worth as a human being?”

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology.

“You keep out of this!” she y...

Original dad joke

I made this up a couple years ago and my kids think it’s the worst so it might work:

A fruit fly comes home and sees that his house has turned from green to yellow. He turns to his wife and says, “This is bananas!”

A classic project management joke.

A woman can give birth in 9 months.

A project manager thinks that 9 women can give birth in 1 month.

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How to write a funny joke:

Now, everyone always says timing is important; we'll get to that, the timing is usually in the punchline.

First you need a premise - it can be simple. A ball. That's the focus.

Some of you are already chuckling because your immature sense of humor has made its own connections with the ...

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Russian Little Johnny Joke

In biology class, the teacher draws a cucumber on the blackboard: "Children, could someone tell me what is this?"

Vovochka raises his hand: "It's a dick, Marivanna!"

The teacher bursts into tears and runs out.

Shortly, the principal rushes in: "All right, what did you do now?...

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What’s the difference between a joke and another man’s dick?

Jada Pinkett won’t take a joke

People often accuse me of “stealing other’s jokes” and being “a plagiarist.”

Their words — not mine…

Why don't eggs tell jokes?

They'd crack each other up.

What is your favorite Chuck Norris joke?

**Chuck Norris is so tough he counted to infinity. Twice.**

I got a great deal and paid only $6 for a book titled “100 Truly Disgusting Jokes.”

If you break it down per joke, I only paid for the author’s 6 cents of humor.

What do you call a joke with only two upvotes?

Original material.

(This is not a joke) I'm a linguistic researcher that is working on the semiotic of jokes and need help to find exemples of a particular type of joke.

Hi, I hope this is not against the rules but I need help for a research paper centered around jokes, and this obviously looks like a good place for that.

I am working on linguistic structuralism to try to find the linguistic value of surprise in a joke. (I'm simplifying a lot, but i can expla...

A really stupid joke

What is a martial artist's favorite thing to drink

WATAH

After five long years, I’ve come up with the best clock joke ever…

…it’s about time!

Can we ban "yo momma" jokes from this sub? They're old, stupid and have been done by literally everyone hundreds of times.

Just like yo mamma

Irish joke

In recent news president Higgins has fallen into a coma after a ship carrying twinnings exploded in the Dublin harbor. Experts are unsure of the cause but some suggest it’s the Taoiseach.

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I often read a joke

and think, "What a cunt. That's not funny."

Then I press 'Post'.

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A shitty Joke

a guy has a crush on a beautiful woman. He shoot his shot, goes on a date and gets invited back to her house. Before anything happens he goes to the washroom. Pooping goes well. Flushing doesn't go well. He scoops the shit and puts in the cat's shit dish which is outside the washroom. The woman find...

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NSFW My Favorite Gilbert Gottfried joke

NSFW

A man goes to see his wife in the hospital. She has been getting sicker and sicker and is clearly in the final days of her life. He goes to her and holds her hand and stares into his wife's eyes and asks her if there is anything at all he can do for her. His wife can barely speak and he...

I was sitting on a bus with a friend and he told me this joke...

What do you do if you see an Epileptic having a fit in the bath?

Throw in your laundry.

The guy behind us leaned over and said "I think that's disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having a fit."

We both went white and apologized. The guy got up to get off, and said, "he ch...

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Want to hear a joke?

Boy: “Want to hear a joke about my dick? Never mind, it’s too long.”

Girl: “Wanna hear a joke about my pussy? Never mind, you won’t get it.”

Here's a joke about a terrible cable car operator

So there was this man who had only one ambition in his life: he wanted to live in San Francisco and drive cable cars. So he moved there, and studied, and took a test to become a cable car driver. He failed. Studied some more, took the test again. Again he failed. Finally, on the third attempt, he pa...

A thread of all the best jokes Siri has ever told me.

One day I was looking for creative task avoidance tactics, so I asked Siri to tell me a joke. Here are some of the best she had:

1. Whiteboards are quite remarkable.

2. Pavlov’s hair wasn’t always so silky. He had to condition it.

3. Did you hear about the band called 1023MB? Th...

Dad joke

Why did the toilet roll, roll down the hill?

To get the the bottom

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Joke from u/dirtydan156

This reminds me of a joke i heard.

A young city slicker from new york decided he wanted to get away from the big city and live a peaceful life out in the country running a farm. So he bought a little property with some fields and livestock. The first day after he moves into the new farmhouse,...

[Request] Someone once told me a joke about Macho Man Randy Savage, but I can't remember the punchline...

Ooooh yeaaaaaaa!

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Post office joke

A post office received a letter from a little boy named Billy addressed to Santa Claus. They look at each other and, not knowing what to do with this, decide to read it out loud and have some fun. The letter goes something like this: “Dear Santa, our dad left us recently, my mom lost her job, so now...

Where does the "knock knock" joke comes from?

The front door

Arabic Joke: What do you call a bee that is really nice around you?

A Habi-bee

I promised myself I would never tell another fart joke...

...but sometimes they just sneak out.

My wife asked me where I come up with my jokes ...

I told her I Reddit somewhere online ...

A Finnish joke from the Cold War

During the Cold War, a foreign journalist asked a Finnish general what Finland would do if the USSR and NATO would fight a war in Finland.

He replied “first we would beat out NATO, and then the Soviets”.

The journalist was surprised about the order and asked why.

“We are civiliz...

Wanna hear a joke about money?

I think it's a really funny joke. I coined it myself.

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An old joke

A woman resists giving her husband a BJ despite his relentless pleas. When she shares her disdain for oral her friend tells her about her newest discovery: a BJ frog. The wife purchases one of the frogs, brings it home and convinces her husband to try it out. She retires to the bedroom upstairs leav...

What do you do if your boyfriend hates Fruit Jokes?

Let the ManGo

Why does a well-done trans joke start off dark and turn wholesome?

Because the goal is a good transition.

Joke

Person 1: it’s raining cats and dogs!

person 2: I know, I just stepped in a poodle

Old army joke

A major arrives at a remote post. “Where’s your lieutenant?” he asks a private.

“Sir, there isn’t a lieutenant assigned to this post.”

“I was told there was.”

“No, sir, no lieutenant here.”

“I’m pretty sure there is.”

The private thinks about it for a moment. “Well...

When does a joke become a dadjoke?

After the *delivery*.

What's the difference between the jokes i read today and the jokes i read last week?

The posters.

Why are there so few Jim Jones jokes?

Because the punch line would be too long.

I apologize in advance.

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A poorly translated Dutch joke: A family called "Vermeer" has a construction supply shop

Next to the front door they have a cross with Jesus hanging on it with the text "for two thousand years, Jesus has hanged here with nails of Vermeer."

Their shop was in The Veluwe, i.e. the Dutch Bible belt, so the local municipality got upset and told the family to change it.

So the f...

Supermarket joke; I think.

I went to the checkout at tescos after getting a sandwich and crisps. They young girl asked me if I wanted to go for drink! I was shocked and said:”young lady I am old enough to be your granddad”. She look at me and said:”the drink is part of the meal deal”. I had never been so embarrassed.

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender rema...

Another talking animal joke…

A farmer is sitting on his porch when a man in a suit and tie walks up to the door.

Man: “Could I speak to your dog?”

Farmer: “Dogs don’t talk, stranger, but go ahead.”

The man turns to the dog and asks him how he likes the farm.

Dog: “I love it here! My owner gives me l...

I had a racist Asian joke to share...

But this day and age, society just won't reddit go.

My favorite blonde joke

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
The brunette tells her sister, '...

Steps on how to fall down the stairs (Not my joke)

Step 1:
Step 2:
Step 3:
Step 5:
Step 8:
Step 13:

I saw a bird telling jokes by the pond

It was a silly goose

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Duck Joke: Nights

A person walks into a brothel with $1. They put the dollar on the counter and ask what they can get.

The Madame walks through some curtains behind her and brings out a duck.

The person shrugs, brings the duck upstairs and proceeds to have the best sex of their life.

The next ...

what's a Mexicans favourite type of joke?

Juan liners

Y'all hear the joke about the broken pencil?

Eh, it's pointless

need help figuring out a joke.

A girl I know keeps telling my friends a joke about golf. She insists it's a joke and not a riddle but none of us get it. Here it is:

Four guys go golfing. The first guy tees up, and hits the ball super far. The second guy tees up, and hits the ball really terribly. The third guy tees up, and...

I’ve decided not to tell you my joke about hymens.

Because it’s tearable.

The oldest joke I know. Three men are working on a building site.

Every day, they sit down to eat their lunch together at the top of the building.

The first man opens his lunchbox to reveal a ham sandwich.

“By god” the man exclaims, “I hate ham sandwiches. I’ve been working in construction for twenty years and every day, despite me telling her how ...

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My favourite nun joke

The nuns from the Convent of the Immaculate Conception were on a day trip when their bus went off the road, plunged over a cliff and they were all killed.

It had been a long day at the gates of heaven and Saint Peter had been counting down the minutes to knocking off time and some well-earned...

I need jokes!!!

I come here needing all of your help!!!

I have a close friend who recently discovered he has cancer. He has been down in the dumps the last few days, so i cracked a cancer joke and it instantly made his day. I told him i will have a cancer joke everyday for him.

So i need you all t...

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