My girlfriend told me this joke ten years ago. We've been married nine years today.

A penguin is driving to the mall when all of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood. Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to i...

A lot of people are pretty upset about "fat shaming" jokes these days

Maybe they need to lighten up

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was in Venice Beach in January and there was a homeless man with a sign that said “1 dollar for dirty joke.”

Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.

Homeless man: “Alright sir whats your name?”

Me: “John”

Homeless man: “So Johnny, there is black rooster alright?

How many legs does that chicken have.”

Me: “Two?”

Homeless man: “Right, n...

Why do Americans rarely tell jokes about mass shootings?

Because it’s always too soon.



^(i feel bad)

It's my cake day today, so I'll give you one of my favourite jokes.

What do you call an Irish man bouncing off the walls?


Rick O Shea

My Gramps just passed away. This was his favorite joke to tell.

*Sorry for the meta of this, I'm still reeling a little. I post two or three (or ten--sorry for breaking rules) jokes on this sub every day. A lot of them are simply awful, but they're all original, and my Gramps was a huge inspiration for me becoming a comedy "writer." But this is an old joke, and ...

[Dad Jokes] 3 guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with.

So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.



*Wow this blew up!! I didn't expect it to get so many upvotes! THANK YOU! I heard this joke from my friend today and I decided to share it with Reddit.*

*Thank you for the silver! First time receivi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My 5yo asked me to tell you guys this joke I'm so sorry...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Cause your butt stinks!! Ha! Stinky butt



He doesn't understand downvotes so I'll eat the loss of karma cause this made him happy

I was going to make a fat joke

It didn't work out.

I know this is r/Jokes but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck.

I have a meeting at the bank later and if it's a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now. I'm so excited, I can barely put on my ski mask..

I tried to tell some of my vaccinated friends a joke about measles.

But they just didn't get it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A joke my dad sent me today but I translated it to English

Jack was bored out of his mind in the classroom on a friday afternoon, as were many of his friends. The teacher noticed this and came up with a small challenge to get their attention back to her.

"Alright, class. I tell you a famous saying and the first one to tell me who said it doesn't hav...

Wiki joke

Officer: “I’m arresting you for downloading all of Wikipedia”
Man: “No wait! I can explain everything!”

Trump jokes trump all the time

Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings. The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”. (No, not the punch line yet)

Trump agrees to then asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One...

Best incest joke? It's actually pretty hilarious, but I won't tell you.

We keep it in the family

An old joke from Isaac Asimov(fairly long).

As is well known, in this thirtieth century of ours, space travel is fearfully dull and time-consuming. In search of diversion, many crew Members defy the quarantine restrictions and pick up pets from the various habitable worlds they explore.

Jim Sloane had a rockette, which he called Teddy....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My favorite joke clean joke for my cakeday.

A long time ago in a man from a small town became a train conductor. Unfortunately the man had a severe drinking problem that impacted his work and one day he managed to kill someone while drinking at work. After an investigation he was found guilty and sentenced to death by the electric chair.
...

My boss fired me for making too many Asian jokes.

It was the end of my Korea.

I'm still China find another job.

A dad is lost in the Dad Joke Hall of Fame...

He's looking around when he comes upon a hallway full of people. At the other end of the hallway he sees a boxer just knocking people out one at a time. So, he quickly pushes past all of the people and asks the boxer,

"Excuse me sir, is this the punchline?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do jokes and U.S. Presidents have in common?

This one fucking sucks.

A Holocaust survivor passed away, went to heaven, and told God a Holocaust joke

God: Holocaust jokes aren’t funny

Holocaust Survivor: I guess you had to be there

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What do you call a joke about an old lady's boobs?

A knee slapper.

I'm going to tell a Dad joke.

Hi, going to tell a Dad joke! I'm Dad!

I have seen a lot of fat jokes here recently, and we should be nicer to them.

They have enough on their plates as it is

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Blonde joke that you never heard before

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, "Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'

The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, "Well, little lady, why don't you go give...

A blonde woman was getting tired of all the blonde jokes she heard, so she dyed her hair and set out to prove them wrong while “undercover”

She came across a huge heard of sheep and saw their shepherd.

“Hey! If I can correctly count all your sheep, can I have one?” she asked, eyeing a chance to prove blondes could at least do basic math.

The bored shepherd answered, “Yeah, sure”.

The blonde set about counting and...

Jokes are like frogs

Because if you dissect them, they die.
Except to use the word "dissect" implies the frog or joke in question is already dead. The correct word choice would be "vivisect," which is the equivalent of a dissection, but with the animal (or joke) still alive. Much like a dissection, vivisections are u...

A knock knock joke on a cosmological scale

- Knock knock.
- W h o ’ s t h e r e ?
- E N T R O P Y .
- E T R P Y w o ?
- e n

Why are blind people too hard to joke around with?

They’re too touchy.

Possibly the greatest dad joke of my dad’s whole career

Preface: I’ve been sick in bed for 10 days with infectious mononucleosis or ‘mono’


So, Mom brought home some pie and she gave me a slice. I only had like half of it because it was making me nauseous so she decided to save it for me. But I guess Dad didn’t know that so he ate the rest of ...

Why do Dads tell Dad jokes?

Because they want to see their kids all groan up.

How often should you tell chemistry jokes?

Periodically.

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I heard a joke about Oedipus and King Midas the other day.

I forget exactly how it went, but it was mother fuckin gold.

Chemistry jokes.

Good or bad, it always gets a reaction out of you.

I never understood school shooting jokes

I guess they're aimed at a younger audience...

I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people

But none of them work

I've never made a joke about an unvaccinated baby before...

but let me give it a shot.

I hate jokes about German sausages.

They’re the wurst.

I like telling Dad jokes.

Sometimes he laughs!

Communist jokes aren't funny

Unless everyone gets it

I have a brexit joke for ya

But I’ll need another 6 months

Hey girl are you a joke on r/jokes?

Because I swear I've seen you before.

9/11 jokes aren't funny.

The other two are, though.

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, “Wanna hear a blonde joke?”

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something, our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde, Im a 6’ tall, 200lb black belt, the guy sitting next to me is 6’2”, weighs 225, and he’s a rugby player, the fella on your right is 6’5” pushing 300 and...

A Multi-Level Meta Joke

Disclaimer: Yeah, this is a repost, but I haven't seen it posted in a while so I figured maybe there are people out there who haven't heard it yet.

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a free drink.

The bartender says "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a multi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I make so many Nazi jokes

I was promoted to captain of the 1st Punzer Division.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Girlfriend Joke

Now, I need to caveat the beginning of this joke with some information. I'm a solid six-outta-ten, a real average looking guy. Never been too smooth wirth the ladies but whaddaya do, never been lonely neither.
So, one day I come home from work, I live in a little apartment complex, and I see acro...

I would tell you the joke about the roof.

But it may be a little over your head.

Climate change is such a joke

Even the Antarctic ice sheets are cracking up.

I told my friend 10 jokes to get him to laugh.

Sadly, no pun in 10 did.

I'd tell you a joke about ADHD

God damnit, where was I going with this?

In Celebration of my Cake Day, here's a terrible joke: the Olympic Swimmer and his Son

Michael was a famous Olympic Swimmer. Recently retired, it was his dream to continue his legacy by teaching his son the art of swimming. They had practiced for years, and when Michael's son was ready, he was entered into his first ever tournament.

The first round was easy. After all, t...

Civil war jokes?

I don't General Lee like them.

I used to know a really funny joke

Then I divorced her

Joke translated from Russian

I young writer asks his dad to help with the title for the first book he has written. Without reading the book, dad asks his son:

<Dad> Is there anything about drum?

<Son> No, there is nothing about drums..

<Dad> Anything about trumpets?

<Son> And ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I dont own this joke. But i havent forgotten about it for five years.

Son: "Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?"

Father: "Sure son. What's the question?"

Son: "What is Politics?"

Father: "Well, let's take our home for an example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me "Capitalism". your mother is the administra...

A joke walks into a bar

The bartender says, “That’s weird, I’ve never meta joke before.”

I dont make chemistry jokes

I never get a reaction

Little known fact, the mods of /r/Jokes are all actually Peruvian owls…

I think they're Inca hoots…

I told this joke today when asked to stand up and introduce yourself to the group, and say something interesting about yourself ...

So this guy dies and goes to hell. He finds himself in a nice room with a group of other people. Satan stands up and says, "Welcome to Hell!" The guy thinks to himself, "well, this doesn't seem so awful." Then Satan says, "I'd like each of you to introduce yourself, and tell us something interes...

Wanna hear a dirty joke...

Johnny is playing in the mud

Wanna hear a clean joke,
Johnny is taking a bath with Bubbles.

Wanna hear a dirty joke,
Bubbles is the girl next door.

Jokes about a women's menstrual cycle just aren't funny

Period.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jokes about homosexuals are not funny.

I mean come on guys.

Just A Normal Knock Knock Joke. Plz Reply

Knock Knock

Some network jokes

"Hi, I'd like to hear a TCP joke."

"Hello, would you like to hear a TCP joke?"

"Yes, I'd like to hear a TCP joke."

"OK, I'll tell you a TCP joke."

"Ok, I will hear a TCP joke."

"Are you ready to hear a TCP joke?"

"Yes, I am ready to hear a TCP joke."

...

Do you want to hear a joke about sodium bromide?

NaBrO

A bilingual joke! (English/Spanish)

A Spanish man goes into a department store looking for a specific item of clothing. But he can't find what he's looking for and he doesn't know the English word for it.

So he grabs a salesperson and says, "Tienes calcetines?"

"I'm sorry, I don't know what that is," the salesperson says...

High I.Q joke

Two chemists walk into a bar. The first one says “I’ll have H2O please”. The second chemist says “I’ll have water too”. The first chemist scowls, his assassination attempt failed.

Timing and delivery is important for jokes.

Well, except for abortion jokes.

My 11 year old Niece told me this joke today.

A dad is driving his three kids to school. The first kid asks, "Dad, why did you call me blossom?" The dad answered, "when you were born and we left the hospital, a leaf fell from a blossom tree. So we called you blossom."

The second kid then asks, "why did you call me Daisy?" The dad answere...

I’d make a joke about this app...

But you’ve probably reddit before

People think my diabetes jokes are harsh.

But it’s not like I can sugarcoat it.

Why are Anti Vaxxer kids and Anti Vaxxer jokes very different?

Anti Vaxx jokes get very old after a while.

Knock Knock Joke #1

Knock knock!

Who's there?

Wooden Shoe.

Wooden Shoe who?

Wooden Shoe want to upvote this joke?

I'd like to make a joke about elements

but all of them argon

I’m so tired of jokes about chinese people

There’s like a billion of them and they’re all the same

My younger brother took his life 3 years ago. Always a comedian, here’s his cheesiest joke

Farmesan the dairy farmer is feeling bleu because of a string of falls he's been suffering. He calls up his doctor, Dr. Edam JaColby, and tells him "Doc, I'm in so much paineer!"and schedules an appointment. So Farmesan carephilly stumbles over to the clinic. "You mozzarella needed to see me cause y...

I entered ten puns in a local joke contest in the hopes that one would win

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did

I was gonna make a river joke

But I dont think its current

I told my first 9/11 Joke in 1999

It was to soon.

(long) a blind joke.

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there." A little confused, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My first OC joke. (Long)

A man walks into an antique shop. He approaches the female cashier and
asks, “Is this your store?”

She nods her head, “My parents owned it for a few decades, I had since inherited it.”

The man then asks her, “Would you like to see a magic trick?”

The woman, barley amused, dec...

I thought I had a good joke about space but...

I needed more time to planet.

I wanted to post a joke about sodium

But then I was like Na, people wont understand.

Jimmy Carr Joke - Socially Unacceptable

JC - I can do a brilliant Michael Jackson impersonation - would you like to see it?

Crowd - YES!

JC - I just need a young volunteer that can keep a secret

(laughter ....)

(\* hope and pray that I've offended none broke no posting rules \*)

I got given a Lego toy car set from my Wife, she joked about the box which said 7+ Years on it when I am 34.

The joke is on her though, I got it done in 2 years.

This joke is like a broken candle

It doesn’t make scents

I rounded up all the anti-vaxx people in the world to tell them a joke…

but none of them were old enough to understand.

Wanna hear an overused water joke?

No? Dam.

When it's October but there aren't any spooky jokes yet...

Never seen such boo-sheet before.

My jokes are so dark

That they deserve rights

Old Henny Youngman joke

Two old schoolmates who hadn’t seen each other in decades meet up on the street

Bob asks George, “What’s new?”

George: “I’ve been married three times and all three of my wives have died.”

Bob: “All three died...how?”

George: “My first wife died from eating poison mush...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you want to hear a joke about constipation and dementia?

Well tough shit, I've forgotten it.

What is the reel joke?

I knew that title was a little fishy

I would post a joke about Buddhism

But I don’t have enough karma

Here’s a dad joke for you all

One day, a magician was driving down the road.

Then poof, he turned into the driveway

Did you hear the joke about the high wall?

It’s hilarious I’m still trying to get over it!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandma used to tell us this joke. She’d say, “knock knock,” we’d say, “who’s there?”

Then she’d say “I can’t remember!” and start to cry. And we’d laugh and laugh to make her feel better, but she was shit at telling jokes.

Why dont vegans like dad jokes?

They're too cheesy.

I love a joke about the eyes.

The cornea the better.

All clear jokes

Hello everyone, my job involves being on a train and being a commentator, we have to say "all clear" when everyone is on and seated so the driver knows to start the drive. I want to find some jokes to go with it! One is "We must be windex, because we're all clear."

I know I could come up with...

My first attempt at writing a joke, please take it easy on me.

A man walks into a candy shop, as he is perusing around the shop he notices the shopkeep waving him over to the counter. Not sure what he is really looking for he makes his way over to the counter to see if the shopkeep can be of any assistance.

Man: I'm not quite sure what I'm looking for, n...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This is the first joke I remember my dad telling me

One day an American man was walking in a small Mexican village while on vacation, he didn't have a watch so he asked an old man who was in a barn sitting on a short stool busy with his work shoeing a donkey, the old man then grabs and lifts the donkeys balls and said "1:15", the American thinks he's...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a joke and a cock?

Jokes come out of my nouth

My (Swedish) grandfather told me this joke

A Swedish immigrant finally arrives at Ellis Island after days at sea, and with only $15 in his pocket. He's eager to get a job, find a place to live, and start his new life in America, but after such a long and hard journey, his first stop is to get a drink to unwind!

He walks into the first...

Can we ban "Yo Momma" jokes from this sub? They're old, stupid, and have been done by literally everyone hundreds of times

Just like yo mama

Wanna hear a joke about Giraffe?

I promise it will be necks level.

My favourite joke: Now Hiring

A dog sees a "Now hiring" poster outside of a computer store. The poster reads:

"Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer."



The dog takes the poster in his mouth, and walks in. The manager spots the dog, and deci...

I made an inappropriate joke about water.

It was clearly tasteless.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Crappy joke

Hey girl, are you a microwave? Cause you got me goin, "mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm ding!"

I searched dirty jokes in google to repost on r/jokes

My face popped up as the first result.

One of the most famous middle eastern jokes.

Two guys were taking walking in a jungle and they spotted a monkey on the top of the tree.

Guy1: what's your dad doing on top of the tree?

Guy2: he's waiting for your mom

Every time I post a joke to this sub it gets downvoted

uʍop ǝpᴉsdn ǝuo sᴉɥʇ ǝʇᴉɹʍ ll,I oS

Dating Joke

I used to date a girl who wore a patch over her eye. One day when we were together, she said she wanted to stop seeing me, so I poked her in her good eye.

An ancient Soviet joke

One day, while inspecting an army base, Stalin realises his pipe is missing. He calls his secret police to help him find it. When he goes home, he finds his pipe on his couch. He notifies the secret police.

"Comrade Nikolai, I have found my pipe already, stop all search operations for it."...

Son: What is the best dad joke you ever made?

Dad: You.

A blonde woman decides that she is tired of all the blonde jokes and how all blondes are seen as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive and strong smell of paint. He walks in...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I remember when bandwidth was so bad, your porn was limited to downloading compressed folders of images over modems.

Sigh... * unzips *


Note: if this joke hasn't been made before, y'all are slacking. ;)

It’s my cake day so a joke for everyone

A polar bear walks into a bar and the bartender says

“What’ll it be today?”

The bear says “give me a gin and.........................tonic”

The bartender says “sure thing but why the big pause?”

The bear looks down and says “I dunno? I was just born with them. “

I hate when people make jokes about body parts

Eyelash out when I hear them

Funny Trump joke

The President is walking out of the white house and heading towards his limo, when a possible attacker steps forward and aims a gun.
A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts "Mickey Mouse!" This startles the would be attacjer and he is captured.
Later, the secret service agent's superv...

My own pastor told me this joke at Church

A man is sleeping peacefully in his comfortable bed.

His mother suddenly yells at him, "GET UP! YOU'LL BE LATE FOR CHURCH!"

He groans. "I don't want to go to church."

Mom: "Why not?"

Man: "I don't like any of the people there. They're such goodie goodies, it's boring."...

What is the funniest way you could end the greatest joke in United States history?

Impeachment

Be careful when sharing jokes...

I read a joke a few weeks ago that went, "What do you do when an epileptic is having a fit in the bath? Throw your laundry in."

I decided to repeat the joke at work the other day to some co-workers and when I finished, one guy got really offended and that I shouldn't tell jokes like that beca...

I know a bunch of good jokes about umbrellas

but they usually go over people's heads

Old Soviet joke. What is huge, noisy, eats 20 liters of gas per hour and cuts apples in 3 pieces?

Soviet machine that cuts apples in 4 pieces.

I was going to post a time traveling joke...

But you guys didn't like it.

My son made this up. The Dad Joke is strong with this one...

Son: What does Darth Vader use to get to the bridge of his ship?

Me: No clue, son

Son: An ele-Vader, ha!

Hey Frend, did you here the joke about the ocean?

Nevermind, its too *deep* for you

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was gonna tell a joke about 2 skeletons having sex...

...but that would've been the last nail in the coffin.

Did you hear the joke about the farmer?

nevermind, it's too corny

Joke Explanation

So we have a dad joke calendar at work that we check every day. Today's joke was as follows:

Q: How do you make an apple puff?

A: Chase it around the garden!

Can someone explain what the hell this means? Everyone at work has been racking their brains trying to figure it out and ...

Best knock knock joke ever..

Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and...

A joke I will always love

In the distant future when interstellar space travel is common place, scientists are traveling through galaxies to find life on other planets. On one planter many light years away, they find a giant granite statue statue of a man in a squatting position. Upon close inspection they find this statue i...

Wanna hear a joke about freedom?

No nevermind, the Chinese won't get it.

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