My parents are both mimes, but they’ve recently filed for divorce.

They just don’t communicate.

I filed a police report about my missing bag yesterday and a few hours later, the cops called to say that they found it.

It was a brief case.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A large group of first year medical school students filed into a lab...

...during their first week, for the first meeting of their gross anatomy class where they would be examining human cadavers. The professor walked to the front of the room, and addressed the students:

"The most important quality you will need as a physician is unfazability. Nothing can '...

I've been in jail 3 times and filed for bankruptcy

I hate playing Monopoly

The attorney filed a motion for a new trial. The judge barked angrily "On what grounds!?"

"Your honor," the lawyer explained, "my client has discovered some money that I didn't know he had."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited.

The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited.

Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on salesmanship.

Little Sally led off. "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30" she said proudly. "My sales approach was to appeal to the custom...

A man filed a report to the police that his bag was stolen.

Upon leaving the man's apartment, the officer found the man's bag at the bottom of the stairwell.

It was a brief case.

What genre would Trump's autobiography be filed under?

Fan fiction.

Why is NASA having a lawsuit filed against them from animal protection?

...because curiosty killed the cat

The Kodak Film company filed for bankruptcy..

More details to come as the story develops

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Trial for Laughing

A young woman who was several months pregnant was sitting in a bus.

When she noticed a young man smiling at her, she began feeling uncomfortable due to her condition.

She changed her seat and the man seemed more amused.

She moved again and the man laughed even more!

She f...

A long time ago...

For many years, a small indian village had been mistreated by a great fire breathing dragon. All the villages were too scared to even leave their houses at night, that was except for a young man named Urkake.

Urkake was a fearless fighter who swore to the village that he would slay the drago...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear Mickey Mouse filed for divorce from Minnie Mouse?

The judge said he couldn't grant the divorce on grounds of insanity, because he saw no evidence of that. Mickey Mouse said "I never said she was insane! I said she was fucking Goofy!"

Went to the gym earlier, and while working out I noticed a hole in my trainer... just big enough to get my finger in.

Anyway....she filed a formal complaint and I'm banned for life

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Long] [NSFW] One warm autumn day,

A man walks into the patent office and slams a stack of papers down triumphantly. "I've bred apples that taste like different fruits, and furthermore, each half of an apple tastes different!"

The patent clerk looks up in boredom, "Sure, sure... But I need to verify the truthfulness of this cl...

My family issues

So I've always had a rocky relationship with my brother. But to be fair he was always a little unusual. When he was 16 he shaved his head and got tattoos all over his face. When he was 18, he legally changed his name to Radio. He got some plastic surgery done and filed his teeth and became a Kris...

I kicked a nasty habit today.

Consequently, the nun wearing it filed assault charges against me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

John the skeleton was fired for sexual harassment

Employees of the firm filed complaints about his perpetual boner

Why cant the uncle touch his knees anymore?

His father filed a restraining order after what he did to his nephew.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A secretary received an expensive pen as a gift from her boss.

She sent him a "Thank You” note the following day.

The boss's wife read the note and filed for divorce.

The note said: Your penis wonderful and I enjoyed using it last night. It has extra ordinary smooth flow and a firm stroke. I loved its perfect size and grip. Felt like I was in hea...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Four men and their dogs

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man as an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker.

To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. "T-Square, do your stuff." T-square trotted over to a desk, took...

Did you hear about the mathmatician's wife?

It all started when they got married. She sat down on the couch every single day, and screamed at him for not cleaning the house, doing the laundry, or washing the dishes while she was watching TV.

Of course, such a static lifestyle only makes you less healthy. So after a while, she grew fatt...

Carjacking

An elderly woman did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags, drew her handgun, and proceeded to scream at them at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car, you scumbag...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is looking to buy a Canary for his wife...

A man walks into a pet store and asks to buy a canary. The proprietor replies, "I'm fresh out, but I DO have a parakeet." The customer insists on a canary, until the shop owner informs him that a parakeet can be made to sound like a canary if one files the beak just so. "But be careful not to file t...

I broke my waterproof speaker by throwing it into a pool.

I filed a request for a replacement to the company but they denied my request saying, "It's not our fault the pool was empty".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A goth, a weeb and a brony walks into a bar

Bartender said well well well! We don't see you people often in here. So how about this, I'ma make you an offer. Each one of you say the most embarrassing thing you have done, and the person with the most cringe-worthy story gets a drink for free.

The Goth said, well I cut my ex's name in my ...

After months of my wife buying organic foods in order to live healthier, today I made the big decision to change

And filed for divorce

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was pulled over for doing 50 in a 30 zone... [Long]

A man was pulled over for doing 50 in a 30 zone, and the police officer comes up to him and asks for his license and registration. The guy replies "I don't think that would be the best idea, seeing as it's not there, this is a stolen car. I stole it."

The officer, a little surprised, says "So...

Another parrot joke.

A boy decides he'd like to have a parrot. But searching around he finds that they are all very expensive. He finally finds one at a discount a a local pet shop but it has a crooked beak.

He decides to buy it anyway because he's read on the internet that it can be carefully filed straight. ...

[LONG] A book and a diary.

A book and a diary had a fairy tale relationship for the longest time. They were inseparable, got married, and had two baby papers. After that, things went downhill and the married couple started fighting constantly. One day, Book decided to have an affair with Binder. Diary found out and filed for ...

On an airplane to Alaska I was talking with the man next to me about fishing the rivers.

He asked if I'd thought about protecting myself from bears.

I proudly told him about the small caliber pistol I had for protection.

The man then asked "Have you filed off the sights?"

Edit: Spelling. I was home-schooled.

Confused I responded "No, why would I do that?"...

A muscular man walks into the bar with a tiny ragged doll

"What can I get you?" asks the bartender.
“A whiskey, neat, keep it coming” orders the muscular man.
One drinks after another, the bartender finally gathers the courage to ask.
"Why did you carry that tiny ragged doll around?
No offence sir, but one would normally assume it’s not yours...

The train

3 engineers and 3 lawyers are taking the same train from their hometown to Memphis one day. The lawyers notice that the engineers bought only one ticket, and confused, one of them asked,"Why did you buy only one ticket for three of you?" The engineers smiled and told him to wait and see.

So t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

THE RULES OF THE ANCIENT AND HONORABLE GAME OF INDOOR GOLF

Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play -- normally one club and two balls.

Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.

For most effective play, the...

Three surgeons are sitting in a bar...

discussing which people are their favorite to operate on.

The first surgeon looks at the other two, and tells them that his favorite patients are librarians. The other two then ask him why.

"Well," he begins, "I like librarians, because their insides are always filed away in alphabeti...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mickey came home from a long day of work.

"Honey! I'm home!" he yelled. However, his wife, Minnie, didn't answer him. He supposed she was just upstairs in the bedroom, taking a nap. When Mickey opened the bedroom door, much to his dismay, he found Minnie having sex with Goofy. "Hey! What are you doing? Get outta here, you creep!"

Day...

I was burgled last night, someone stole all my documents.

I was de-filed.

A big-city lawyer was representing.....

......the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A businessman wakes up from a coma

"What happened?" The businessman asks the nurse who was in his room.

"Sir, you have been in a coma ever since the September 1, 1939. Your whole family has been dead for many years, your company has filed for bankruptcy and now you have no money left in the bank"

"Ah, that's okay as lon...

a scallop fell in love with a clam...

and against everyone 's advice they got married. and six short months later sure enough they filed for divorce and went their separate ways. their problem was obvious to anyone who knew them. they were just two shellfish .

Ticket Please!

A group 3 Pakistanis and a group 3 Indians were all heading to the Cricket World cup via Train. Upon entering the train the Indian group saw the Pakistanis just pay for a single while they bought 3 individual tickets.
When the conductor came along the Indians saw that all 3 Pakistanis quickly fil...

A software engineer died at 45 and went to heaven.

He asked god why he was dead at such an early age. God replied "Son, according to the billable hours you filed in your time sheet you should be 92 by now "

Motel insurance scam (x-post /r/Unexpected)

A few years ago, I lived in a small rural town in southwestern Texas, near the border with Mexico. My town had a few rich people living in it, and among these was my neighbor. He was a doctor, and also owned a little motel called the Spanish Inn. It was a nice place, and the doctor enjoyed keeping u...

Wishes

A woman was walking on the beach when she spotted a lamp almost buried in the sand. She picked it up, dusted it off, and to her surprise a genie popped out.

"Thank you for releasing me from my thousand-year imprisonment! I will grant you the traditional three wishes as a reward. And since you...

the cure for stealing

There is a pastor in a small town who is displeased to discover that someone has stolen his bicycle. It is a small town so he does not own a car and uses his bike to get everywhere. But more upsetting is the fact that he knows everyone in town, since they are all members of his congregation, and he ...

Modern Bible Stories: American Noah's Ark

…..And the Lord spoke to Noah and said:
” In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed, but I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark.”
In a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day a multi billionaire was bored, so he asked his butler to get him 3 men.

A few hours later the butler comes back. The man says "OK I've got a deal you can't refuse. Whoever can swim successfully across this pool filed with sharks, eels, and leeches may have whatever his heart desires."

No one replies so the man gives up.

All of a sudden the man hears a sp...

A guy goes to a public golf course.

He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, “I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie.”

The man behind the counter says, “The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this: We just received 8 shiney brand ...

I'm a cop and I got caught choking the chicken in public

I was revoked of my badge and sentenced to three years jail time. The chicken filed a civil rights suit and received 3 million in reparations

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.