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Edit Jokes

Why didn't the phlebotomist's reports need editing?

He was typo negative.

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First joke I've written, would like some feedback please

There's this guy with a crush on a cashier at the grocery store so he asks her to go on a date and she says yes.

She's got a lot of piercings and while on the date the guy asks her what made her decide to get so many piercings.

She tells him, "when I'm disappointed with a part of my ...

I just found my wife has a Tinder profile and I’m furious.

She is absolutely not “adventurous”, and “fun to be around”!

Yo mama joke I thought of it

Yo mama is so fat and old that she’s still eating from the last supper.





Edit : Jesus Christ this blew up. Didn’t know so many of you had to release yo mamas from your system.

Elon is firing Twitter employees with bad posture

I have a hunch I might be next.

An old couple was sitting in Church...

...and the wife noticed that people were staring at her.

She leaned across to her husband and whispered, “I’ve just let go a silent fart. What do you think I should do?”

He said, “I think you should get fresh batteries for your hearing aid.”

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Stingy old lawyer

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the old saying, “You can’t take it with you.” After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died.

He in...

What’s the first thing Mrs Clause did when Santa got home on Christmas morning ?

Emptied his sack.




(Compliments of my 7 year old son)



Edit - No he did not understand what he was saying and Yes we did tell him not to repeat it.

They say marriage is like a three-ring circus

First, you get the engagement ring.

Then, you get the wedding ring.

And finally, you get suffering

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Joke #3481 A man receives the bad news that he's going to die in the morning

Through an unfortunate miracle of medical science, a man receives the worst news possible from his doctor.

"I'm sorry, but tomorrow morning at precisely 7:23, you're going to have a brain clot that will kill you."

The man is stunned. "But I don't even feel sick!"

The doctor exp...

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A guy loses his penis in an accident.

He asks the doctor if there’s any hope of reconstruction. The doctor says “Sure. There have been a lot of medical advancements lately, but it’s not cheap.”

“How much does it cost?” asked the man.

“About $1,000 an inch. You should probably discuss this with your wife and let me know wha...

Looking Good

My face in the mirror isn’t wrinkled or drawn.

My house isn’t dirty. The cobwebs are gone.

My garden looks lovely and so does my lawn.

I think I might never put my glasses back on.







Edit: Wow, Thank you for the upvotes and also thanks for the award...

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.'

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?' 'Yes, Father, it is.' 'And who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" 'I cannot ...

Let’s play Clue: Royal Edition

I’m guessing Charles, with a pillow, in the bedroom.

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My grandpa told his grandson “all you kids do nowadays is play video games”

"When I was your age", he continued, "my buddies and I went to Paris; we went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, we didn't pay for our drinks all night and when the bartender complained we pissed on him”

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the M...

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Old Fart Joke. Years ago (late 1980's) I was travelling through Schiphol (Amsterdam) airport.

As I waited for the bus to the hotel, I noted all the posted flyers for "massage". I thought, what the hell, and jotted down a phone number.

When I got to the hotel I dialed the number and a woman answered with "how can I help you?" Boy, did she sound sexy.

I told her "I would like to ...

I need a funny punchline...

My bf is going on a trip and I thought it'd be fun to give him a joke and tell the punchline when he gets home. Only thing is we were on a time crunch and I just said the first thing that came to mind which was:

What do you call a sheep with 3 legs?

I have absolutely no idea so if anyo...

On the Bulgarian edition of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire...

The new contestant sits on the chair. He just grunts at the host's introduction questions, so they get straight to the game.

First question - Which city is the capital of Bulgaria:

* A. Sofia
* B. Moscow
* C. London
* D. Paris

Respondent: "I'd like to ask the audience."...

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Onestone

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle And whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again, I will kill them!"

The word got arou...

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A pilot accidentally left on the intercom and was heard saying, "I could really use a coffee and a blowjob"

A stewardess quickly ran towards the cockpit, and a passenger yelled out, "you forgot the coffee!"

Eta: Looks like Good Will Hunting made this joke popular.

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Don't wake Up Until Ten

Three men were discussing aging on the steps of the nursing home.

"Seventy is the worst age to be," announced the seventy year old. "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothing," said the eighty year ol...

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A powerful Emperor advertised for a new Chief Samurai. Only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai,

Number One Samurai, "Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.

The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box, and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and "swish"; the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!

"What a feat!" said the Emperor. "Number Two Sam...

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man a...

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Three married men sit at a bar. one ugly, one average, and one handsome

The conversation shifts to their love lives.

The first, ugly man says "My wife nor I are all that nice to look at, but we have a loving relationship with great communication. We both cook and clean and take care of each other. In fact, since we have trouble looking at each other in bed, we've...

Jesus, Chuck Norris and the Pope are sitting in a boat in the middle of a lake.

They decide to get to the shore, so Jesus leaves the boat first and walks over the water to the shore.

Chuck Norris leaves second and also walks over the water to the shore.

The Pope, being baffled, also tries to take a step out of the boat but immediately falls in, so he has to swim t...

Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother…

Sudden Lee

How is a woman similar to a hurricane?

When they come they are wet and wild. When they leave the take your house and your car.

KFC has asked scientists to edit the chicken genome.

They want something CRISPR.

I took a class recently on the history of food preservation.

In the early days, metal containers were the cheapest and easiest to make, so almost all food was stored in cans. Tin was a particularly soft and easy to mold/shape, and didn’t rust like other options, so most preserved food cans were made of tin.

Things went great for a while, with some food...

The upbeat priest…

A young priest shows up to his new parish with a huge smile on his face. The bishop asks him why he was in such a good mood.

"On my travels I stayed the night at the Convent in Toulouse."

"Oh yes, the Sisters of Mercy. How was the food?"

"Terrible."

"How was the bed?”...

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Donald Trump was asked " what is 2+2"??

"I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me and they ask me. They say, 'Sir!, What's 2+2?' And I tell them look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of math you can imagine. Oh my god, I can't believe it. Ad...

Joke Factory: Why did the [NOUN] go to the [LOCATION]?

Give me a random NOUN and LOCATION using the above format, and I'll give you the punchline.

For example:

Why did the soldier go to the beach?He was caught in a sand-off and came back shell-shocked.

Ready? Go!

\--

What do you call the trend to cancel pineapples?

#Banananas

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Two cowboys are out riding the range and talking about their favorite sex positions

The first cowboy says the “rodeo” position is his favorite.

The second cowboy says he’s never heard of it before and asks how to do it.

The first cowboy responds, “Well, you mount your lady from behind then reach down and grab her tits. Then you whisper ‘these feel almost as good as ...

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A nun was chatting with Mother Superior.

"I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."



"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder nun.



"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line t...

A French, a Brit, and an American are on an expedition in the Amazon

They are captured by a tribe of natives. The chief says to them, "you must die for intruding our land. But it is our custom to allow you to choose your own death."

After some time, the Frenchman says, "my great grandfather died by sword while fighting for France, I shall do the same to honor ...

Using Microsoft Edge (Chromium edition) - go to edge://surf

Now your productivity is a joke

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In my past life, I was a message delivery man in an army base

One day, I got a letter for Bravo Company, and took off to deliver it as quickly as I could. When I found them they were doing exercises in one of the yards, I walked up to the sergeant to deliver the message.

He took the letter, read it over, folded it and put it in his pocket. Then he yell...

Buy a man a flying ticket and he will fly once…

…push him out of an airplane and he will fly for the rest of his life.

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A guy walks into a bar and says. "Give me 10 shots of tequila, line 'em up!"

The bartender does and the guy proceeds to slam the 10 shots down at machine gun pace. The bartender says, "Damn man, what's all this for?"

The guys says, "My first blowjob." The bartender says, "Well shit dude, that's something to celebrate, have another on the house!" The guy says, "No than...

How many Texas cops does it take to save children from an active shooter?

Still under investigation.







Edit: For those who assume I think any part of this situation is funny... [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black\_comedy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_comedy). Also who gave me a Wholesome award? That's seriously messed up.

Edit ...

What did the redditor say after a stranger gave him a piece of explosive gold?

Thanks for the gold, kind stranger

Edit: Wow didn’t expect this to blow up.

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Three men were riding together on a motorcycle...

It was a very chill weather. The man in the middle asked the last one, "It's freezing like hell, what should I do?" The person at the back whispered, "Put your penis inside the rider's asshole, that will warm you up." The middle guy inquired, "Won't he find out if I do that?" To which he replied, "Y...

Why did the dog cross the road, roll in the dirt, and cross the road again?

Because he’s a dirty, double-crossing son of a b*tch.

*edit* And a such GOOD one, yes he IS!

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After we had sex, my boyfriend and I were talking over dinner and I asked if, when we were done eating, would he mind putting a load in the dishwasher.

He responded, "The one earlier wasn't enough?"

(This actually just happened but I had to reword it a tiny bit to make it into a punchline)

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A woman and her 13 years old son were inside a Taxi.

A woman and her 13 years old son were inside a Taxi. It was raining and all the twilight girls (Prostitutes) were standing by the roadside.



The Boy asked; “Mummy, what are all those women doing?



His Mother replied; “They are waiting for their husbands to come back from ...

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Three sisters were all getting married within a short time period...

...Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started and made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on their first impressions of marital sex.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.

The card said nothing but: ...

I finally bought the limited edition Thesaurus that I've always wanted, but when I opened it, all the pages were blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

To the person who hacked my account

I will find you, and I will kill you.

A guy named Ryan Edit won first place in a marathon.

Race director: Here you go, these are for you.

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A man was admitted to the hospital with 12 toy horses up his but

Doctors have described his condition as stable

(Edit): yeah I screwed up the spelling, it’s supposed to say butt

Putin and Lavrov are going hunting..

Putin and Lavrov go hunting. Suddenly wild ducks appear in front of them. Putin fires several shots at the ducks as fast as he can, but misses every single one... Lavrov sees this, crosses himself and comments : Oi a miracle. Dead, but they fly.

Edit : Translated and adjusted from serbian.

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A suicide bomber went to heaven.

The Angel at the front desk greeted him.

"Hi, welcome. There are 72 very horny virgins waiting for you!"

"I knew it! said the bomber. "Bring me the women!"

The Angel smiled.

"Who mentioned women?"

A wife asks her husband, "what's your opinion on vasectomies?"

He shrugs and says, "it's a mixed bag"



Edit - It has come to my attention that the title should say testicular torsion instead

Pearly Gates Pontiff

The Pope died and went to heaven, where he was greeted by St. Peter. “Welcome,” St. Peter said, “let me show you around.”

St. Peter showed the Pope the streets of gold, choirs of angels, and so many wonderful things. At last, they came to a verdant meadow with a quaint cottage overlooking a l...

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My favorite burn I've gotten for being trans

I was born female and transitioned to male. Early on in my transition, my gf and I were playing a video game, and I called her a noob when she died.

Her: Yeah okay Pinocchio.

Me: Pinocchio?

Her: You know... "I want to be a real boy!"

Edit: thanks for all the support and a...

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The smallest penis

*John: insert name of person you tell the joke to.

So three guys sits at a bar.

First one goes - “I have the smallest feet in the world!” The other guys take a look at his feet and acknowledges his statement - “sure your feet must be the smallest in the world!”

Second guy then...

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We should have a TV show where illegal immigrants hunt down sex offenders for a chance at citizenship

We can call it "Alien vs Predator"

\[EDIT\]: Wow I can't believe the amount of people who would want to make it a reality. *Netflix if your seeing this post you know what to do.*

**If you want, you may follow this post - I may update it in the future if something exciting happens.** <...

Maybe Jesus didn't like your chocolate?

So aliens come to earth and they're Sooo nice. There's a huge televised event with all the world leaders in attendance.

The Pope asks, "Do you know of Jesus Christ?"

The aliens say, "Do we Ever? Awesome guy!! Swings by the planet every couple of years to say Hi!"

The Pope excla...

A priest was approached one night by Satan himself.

"Do not be frightened," said Satan. "I have an offer to make. I will make you tremendously powerful, famous and rich in return for just one small favour: half of your ability to hear."

The priest was stunned. "Let me think about it for a few days."

The next morning, the priest requeste...

My girlfriend thinks I’m terrible in bed.

Kind of an unfair judgement to make in less than a minute.

A bunch of functions are drinking in bar...

When someone yells "A differential is coming!" All the functions panic and try to hide, except e^x . One of the functions asked "e^x , why aren't you hiding from the differential?" To which it responded "I'm e^x , a differential can't do anything to me!" At that point, the differential walked in and...

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A shark was teaching his kid how to eat a human

So the shark told his kid, when you see a human make sure to turn around him one or two times and then you can attack him.
The kid asked: Why should I turn around him and not attacking directly?
The shark dad said: well, they taste better if you scare the absolute crap out of them first.

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went to meet my girlfirend's grandma

Due to my girlfriend's insistence I went to meet her grandma. A fairly old lady she had loads of fun stories and one of them was recent.

Gf's Grandma: I went to get a tattoo.

Me (surprised): oh, nice. Did you get it? And where?

Gf's Grandma: yes, I got it on my upper thigh.
<...

I'll take a 6 inch Meatball marinara on Italian herbs and cheese please

Actually, make it a 6 inch Spicy Italian on Herbs and cheese.

[EDIT] Sorry, wrong sub

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Why is Putin and Zelensky neighbors?

Apparently a big dick needs a great set of balls next to it.

(Came up on my own :,))





Edit no. Unknown- Thank you for redditors who pointed out the mistakes in my post. Sadly, I can’t change the title. It is “Are” instead of “Is”.

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Whats good on pizza but not on pussy?

crust.





edit: yall keep making better jokes in the comments LMAO

possible answers : red sauce, white sauce, yeast, cheese, senior discount (wtf), crabs, hot sauce, mushrooms. damn yall are just funnier than me lol

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I eat p***y like I smoke cigarettes…

All the way to the butt.

How do Chinese Cowboys greet each other?

They say, "NiHowdy!"

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A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship.

The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turn...

I just got laid for the first time today.

They told me they'd never had anyone whose performance was so bad despite every position we tried. This was the last thing I could think of to try to earn a living and now I don't know what to do.

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There's boomers, millennials then GenZ so what's the next generation going to be?

Fucked.

What did 0 say to 8?

"Nice belt"

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I got fired from my job today for having sex at work.

My boss reamed me out and I said, "What was I supposed to do, she was just lying there naked!"

He shouted, "The autopsy! The fucking autopsy!"

Then he fired me and called me the worst Veterinarian ever.

Help, someone in Russia is trying to hack my phone

Edit: sorry, I not hacked. Mother Russia do no such thing. Have good day comrades.

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I thought they testicle convention would be a good place to relax and unwind, but...

...it was just nuts!

It wasn't easy, but me and my wife decided we do not want children

We will be telling them tomorrow.

Edit: They didn't take it that well, they just kept crying when we left them at gas station.

Edit 2: Oh, it's all fine, a group of old men comforted them and brought them to their van for sweets, we left in good faith.

3 men are stranded in the desert

A blind man, an amputee, and a man in a wheelchair. They’d been traveling for hours and they crest a sand dune and to their surprise there’s a beautiful oasis. So all 3 men travel to it, the amputee jumps in, when he steps out he looks at his arm and it had grown back. Amazed he leads the blind man ...

Yo mama's so fat

When she goes to the beach the tide comes in, but she's so ugly that it goes back out

[Edit] typo

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How do you comfort a grammer nazi?

Pat them on the back and say ‘there, they’re, their.’

Did you hear Magnum is coming out with a special edition Grinch condom

It's for 39 and a half foot poles

A naked man was walking down the street with a woman on his back

A bloke on the other side of the road asked, "Where are you going?"

The naked man replied, "To a fancy dress party."

"What as?" asked the bemused gentleman.

"A tortoise", said the naked man.

"Well, who is the woman on your back?" said the intrigued gentleman.

"Oh, ...

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"I can't feel my legs!" (Christmas Edition)

Pt. 1

A guy wakes up in a hospital and starts screaming, "I can't feel my legs! I can't feel my legs! " A nurse rushes to his bed and says, "Of course not, you silly thing, they amputated your arms!"

Pt. 2

Do you know what the poor guy got for Christmas? No? Well, neither does...

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her handbag, took a measurement and announced, "Twenty one...

What do you call a house elf that edits documents?

A-Dobby.

(Adobe)

Charles III

Charles: *orders* GET ME A F’ing CUP OF TEA! Two Sugar. Asap.

Servant: *mumbles* who died and made you King..!?

Completed in 1856, Big Ben was designed by architects Charles Barry and Augustus Welby Pugin and took 13 years to build.

Which is crazy long considering they were working around the clock.

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

   The first mathematician orders a beer 

The second orders half a beer 

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies 

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender r...

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Superman went to a Halloween party

Someone was dressed as a Bitcoin.

Someone dressed as a Dogecoin.

Someone else dressed asEthereum.

Superman was pissed.

He didn't realize it was gonna be a Crypto night.

My father once asked me if I knew the difference between heaven and hell…

“In heaven” he said, “the Italians make the food and the British run the government”

He then paused and said, “In hell, the British make the food and the Italians run the government”

A lot of women actually turn into good drivers.

So, watch out for turning women, good drivers. (Edited and improved with necessary comma added.)

The Barbies

Few days before Christmas the father of a lovely 9yo girls goes to best you shop in town. He walks the lanes untill he finds a nice girl and asks her for help.

Dad: good afternoon. Please, can you help me choosing a Barbie doll for my daughter?

Shop assistant (SA): Sure Sir! How much w...

Two pharaohs fart. Their farts smell the same.

They had a Tutankhamun.

What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?

The gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.


^obligatory ^not ^my ^joke

Why are Americans so stupid?

Because they shoot all the ones who go to school

EDIT: I love jokes and comedic freedom... but I AM SO SORRY ABOUT THIS ONE LOL

EDIT 2: Thanks for letting me share the pain of this one with you, internet. And I’m not European (where are ppl getting this lol), I am also 🇺🇸

What does Harry Potter use to edit his photos?

A Dobe

The FBI, the CIA, and the KGB are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it.

The FBI receive 1000 tips about the rabbit's location but refuses to investigate.

The CIA burns down the whole forest and said there's no rabbit.

The KGB drags a man out of the forest and beats him as he screams "OK I'm a rabbit!"

You shuold be be able to edit titles

Edit: should

Why did the Fox News Christmas tree catch fire?

They left it too close to the gaslight.

Ask me a questions and once I've responded, edit that question to a new one to make me look stupid.

I'm having a rough day and I think this could be a fun way to change that!

So a village boy and a modern girl fall in love and want to try 69

The boy doesn’t know about 69 so the girl takes the lead.

He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts out uncontrollably directly in his face. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises.

She squats down for another go but farts again, thi...

My son is 2934 days old today.

He was born on 12/12/12.

&nbsp;

Why do the KGB thugs always walk around in threes?

One can read, one can write, and the third keeps an eye on the two intellectuals.

What do The Titanic and The 6th Sense have in common?

Icy dead people

A boy asks a teacher a question.

Boy: "Would you punish me for something I didn't do?"

Teacher: "No, of course not."

Boy: "I didn't do my homework."

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