Rock, Paper, Scissors!

The police just pulled me over and said, "Papers?", I said, "Scissors, I win!" and drove off. I think he wants a rematch-he's been chasing me for 45 minutes.

I ran out of toilet paper last week and can't afford to buy more till I get paid next week, so I started using the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in......

......... The Times are really Rough!!!

A cop pulled me over and said "Papers".

I yelled "Scissors" and drove off.

I wish my college professors graded papers like Trump 'wins' elections

\*Professor grading my test\*

Well he got the first couple questions right looks like I can stop grading the rest.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was once photographed out partying whilst drunk, drugged up and looking very much worse for wear. The news media got hold of it and my picture was splashed across the tabloid papers with the headline "The Terrifying Effects of Substance Abuse".

When I first saw it, I went home and had a long hard look at myself in The Mirror.

And then in The Sun, The Daily Star and The Tribune. I thought to myself "Now that's fucking Rock 'n' Roll"

My son stumbled upon his adoption papers and got upset

I was waiting for the right time to talk about the matter.

Not too worried as he will be with a new family by tomorrow.

Cop asks for papers.

Cop says papers, I say scissors I win and drive off.

Must want a rematch been chasin me for the last 20mins.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,0...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mercedes for Sale @ $1

Someone put up this advertisement.
No one believed it, but one old man responded and went to see the car.
The Lady actually sold him a Mercedes, which had done just 12,000 kms, for $1.
She handed him the papers and the Car keys. Deal done.

As the old man was leaving, he said "I would...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[long] So this guy is working at his jewelry store when a little guy walks in with a stunning, beautiful girl

The jeweler helps the odd couple and keeps showing them all kinds of jewelry. It's the first time he sees this guy, so he pushes the typical, "most affordable" stuff, but the guy doesn't seem to concerned about the prices so he continues showing them even more expensive stuff.

After almost a...

I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers

The Times are rough

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment building

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment building. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvio...

Bob: can we fix it!

His wife: no we cant bob, sign the divorce papers

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Older Woman Speeding

An older woman gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't ...

Respectfully cheating

Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
"Betty, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?"

"Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."

"Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please."

"Well, all right. ...

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