Mess up the formatting

How do you ruin a joke?

I'm always amazed at the wonders of nature and how in tune they are with the Earth itself. For example, when ducks fly in V-formation, do you know why one side is often longer than the other?

Its because that side has more ducks in it.

My love life is like Reddit meme formats

They either die in new or last only for a month.

Yesterday I saw aliens for the first time, they were tall and had blue skin with giant eyes. But what struck me the most is that they came in a green spaceship that had a rounded format

Turns out they do come in peas

Classic Joke Format

A Dubliner, A Scouser and A Glaswegian all enjoying a drink in a bar, when they notice Jesus sitting at the other end...



The Dubliner, being a devout Catholic, stands up, grabs his walking stick and takes over a Cold Pint of Guinness. Jesus, thanks the man and with a shake of the hand...

As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base,the Drill Seargent says,"All right,all of you idiots fall out."

As the rest of the squad wandered away,one soldier remained at attention.The Drill Seargeant walked over to him until he was eye to eye with him,and then raised an eyebrow.The soldier smiled and said,"Sure was a lot of 'em,huh,Sir?"

When geese fly south in a V formation. One line is always longer. You know why?

There's more geese in that line.

My family owns a tea shop

Customer: You should sell milk tea.

Me: We tried but it didn't work out.

Customer: What happened?

Me: My Dad never came back with the milk.

A guy with an unfortunate last name...(long format)

Joins the army. His last name has the odd distinction of having two z's at the start of it and since everything in the military is done alphabetically hes always the last guy in line.

One day their sergeant gets the entire company together for training:

"Alright! We're gonna have you a...

Guess who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor!

>!Everybody!<

Edit 1: Wow, this blew up. is this where you post your soundcloud?

Edit 2: My inbox is ruined, I should start charging reddit coins for formatting questions.

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The farmer and the neighbor boy (sorry for the mobile format)

This lonely farmer likes to sit on his porch his every mourning. One mourning, as he’s sitting there, a boy comes walking down the road carrying a giant roll of duct tape.

The farmer asks “what are you doing with so much tape?” The boy replies “this isn’t just any tape this is duck tape. I’...

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NSFW Mehmet and the sultan long (on mobile, sorry for formatting)

One day the sultan was walking around his kingdom when he stumbled upon Mehmet, the local merchant. Surprised by the vision in front of him, Mehmet naked, bending in all directions and angles, with a loud and deep voice, the sultan roared!
-WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING, MEHMET???
-Well hello s...

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What's the difference between a crap meme format and and an unvaccinated child?

Only one dies after going viral.

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3 guys were on a plane

Three guys were on a plane to try skydiving. The 1st guy throws an apple and jumps out. He lands to find a child crying. He asks the child what was wrong.
The child says "an apple came from the sky an hit me on the head" the man apologises
The second guy throws a banana and jumps....

Things that aren't formatted properly.

Do you know what I hate?

When birds fly in a 'v' formation, one side is always longer.

After millions of dollars and thousands of hours spent researching this phenomena, scientists believe they now know why. It's because one side has more birds than the other.

A woman steps in front of a bus and dies instantly.

She finds herself at the pearly gates, being greeted by God himself.



He looks the woman up and down, and says "Hm... Strange. It's not your time! I'm sending you back."

"Sending me back? How long until it IS my time?" she asks.

"Worry not, my child. You have many, many m...

An oldie, but a goodie.

A husband and wife are in the delivery room, she is going into labor and in intensive pain.
The doctor tells the husband they have a new piece of tech that can share the labor pains with the Father.
The husband is skeptical, but decides to do this to help his wife. The device shares the pain...

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Jokes in the "Day XXX withouth sex: joke" format

Can I get some contributions to this format that is so dear to my heart? :(

My two personal favorites:



Day 37 without sex: my dentist told me to spit . . . I swallowed.



Day 150 without sex: I slammed the brakes so the seatbelt would choke me a little.

A girl was arguing with her boyfriend.

"All my friends tell me stories about how their boyfriends take them for rides with Lamborghini's and Porsche's!" she told him. "Why don't you ever do something like that? You are boring as hell!"

The boy was very upset about this, but there wasn't much he could do. He had no car, no money to...

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My first OC joke. (Long)

A man walks into an antique shop. He approaches the female cashier and
asks, “Is this your store?”

She nods her head, “My parents owned it for a few decades, I had since inherited it.”

The man then asks her, “Would you like to see a magic trick?”

The woman, barley amused, dec...

[Serious] We should have joke explanations stickied in the comments.

I know explaining the joke “ruins” the joke, but in text format I think this could work. No one is forced to read the stickied comment explaining it and most people read the joke before looking at the comments section. There are so many people including myself who say “IDGI” or “OOTL” in the comment...

Jim and Steve are die-hard capitalists...

They go for a stroll together through a cow pasture, and Jim tells Steve that he will give him $20,000 to eat a pile of cow flop. Steve considers the suggestion, says what the heck, and eats a pile. Jim, laughing, gives him the money, and they continue on their merry way.

After a few minutes,...

What's a furry's favorite file storage format?

.rawr

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Man walks into a brothel and asks how much.

Prostitute: "it's €250 for a ride or €100 for a blowjob."

Man: "that's way too expensive" as he turns to leave.

P: "for €20 you can have a Penguin"

M: "what's a Penguin?"

P: "no more questions, take it or leave it, €20 for a penguin"

The man thinks about it and dec...

A man died and met God in Heaven

The man asked God.
Man: God is it true that a million years to you is just like one second?

God: Yes

Man: God is it also true that a million dollars is just like one cent to you?

God: Yes.

Man: So can I please have a million dollars

God: Sure thing! Just ...

What is the default format for child molesters?

.PDF Files.

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Bob the ant wanted to be a stand-up comedian

He had a wild, bold, and crazy personality and sense of humor. He knew he would be hilarious if he just had the opportunity to get in front of a crowd.
 

So Bob the ant went around town auditioning for gigs. He let his crazy attitude go full force at the judges. They weren’t too impressed,...

A guy walks Into a bar and says....

And says "Give me a drink, before the trouble starts."

So the bartender gets him a drink.
He drinks it and says "another drink, before the trouble starts."
And so the Guy pounds that and says "one more, before the trouble starts..."

Bartender asks "when's this trouble gonna start...

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Better formatted version Reporter and Man...

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow...

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "I give it ...

What image format does Gordon Ramsay hates the most?

.raw

What is your idea of a perfect date?

DD/MM/YYYY

other formats are so confusing really

Tonto and the Lone Ranger are riding their horses across the prairie...

Tonto begins to slow his horse and eventually comes to a complete stop.

Lone Ranger: “What is it Tonto?”

Tonto gets down from his horse and puts his ear to the ground.

Tonto: “Buffalo come.”

Lone Ranger: “Wow, how do you know that?”

Tonto: *rubs the side of his fac...

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Two men camping...

Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy.

One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and ...

A flock of geese passes by overhead, in class 'v' formation.

Dad: Do you know why one side of the 'v' is longer than the other?

Son: No, why?

Dad: Because it has more geese.

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Sam was at the bar

-Disclaimer - im on mobile, sorry for the formatting.-

As it's now 4am he decided it was time to go home to his wife who he prayed was sleeping else he'd get in shit for being at the pub so late.
So Sam went to stand up but fell over! Thinking to himself "my lord I'm drunk" he tried to sta...

So my science teacher began her astronomy unit with star formation

She gave a stellar explanation.

FYI: The .gif file format is pronounced "jiff"

I know because I joogled it.

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Curious George goes to a bar

A man and his monkey went into a bar,

On his shoulder was the monkey, he went not far.

Shooting pool all day long was what the man did,

The monkey watched as balls cross the table slid.



And then in a flash the small monkey ran down,

Then he picked up the ...

A Local delicacy

Two Italian nuns were visiting New York for a conference. They were walking down the street when they saw a vendor with a big sign that said 'The best hot dogs of New York'.

-Sister, look what that man is selling.

-Ah yes, I have heard about those. Very popular here.

-Is it real...

The UN decided to do a worldwide survey...

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge flop.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western E...

A man goes to see the doctor about his weight

After getting off the scales the doctor starts to explain that he is too heavy for his height, being only 5’10 he is actually the weight of a healthy 6’ man.

When the man arrives home his wife asks if the doctor confirmed that he is over weight and needs to slim down.

Happily the man ...

What do you call a formation of rabbits walking backwards?

A receding hare line.

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Five friends were sitting around, debating which Pixar movie is the greatest

After a few hours of debate, no one was willing to concede, and it was decided that a vote must be held. Unfortunately, with so few friends present, it was clear that they would need to bring the vote to the greater public. The group decided that each friend would make a plea to the subreddit of the...

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There was a controversial sale on music in lossless format.

I got a lot of FLAC from participating in it.

Two men are playing golf

Two men are playing golf and while smashing through the holes, get stuck behind a couple of female players. The first man says to his opponent, "I'll go ahead and ask if we can go past!"



He comes back looking like he's seen a ghost and gasps: "I couldn't ask; one of the ladies was my...

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Typed this up, hoping it’s new blood.

Terry is going door to door selling peaches. He’s doing okay for himself, and he rounds the corner and comes upon an apartment complex. Lots of potential sales in one spot! He walks up to the first door and knocks.

The lady of the house opens the door wearing a robe which doesn’t leave much ...

My English teacher got really angry about the format of my essay.

It wasn't justified.

A mother is sitting in the car with her three children...

The first girl asks, "mom? Why am I named rose?"

The Mom says "because a rose fell on your head as we were leaving the hospital"

the second girl says "mom why am I named Lily?"

The Mom says "because a Lily fell on your head as we were leaving the hospital"

and then the...

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[Long Format] A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane...

He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”

She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Conven...

A Georgia State trooper pulled a car over on I-75 about 2 miles north of Macon.

A Georgia State trooper pulled a car over on I-75 about 2 miles north of Macon.

When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Atlanta to do a show for the Children’s Hospital. He didn't want to be late. The trooper t...

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work.

One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speech-making.

"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times...

A penguin goes on vacation.

A penguin has decided that he has had enough of the cold and wants to go on vacation.

He books his flight to a big city and rents out a car to go sight seeing.

After a while of him driving around his car starts making a weird noise.

He grows a bit concerned and takes it into the...

They told us to get in formation

So, I started investigating.

The Cool Clam Club

Deep beneath the ocean there is an exclusive club known for only having the coolest of clams in their midst. This was called the Cool Clam Club.


Now, the Cool Clam Club was known across the seven seas as one of the most prestigious clubs known to seakind due to the fact that their initia...

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Married golfers you say? (Kinda long, sorry bout the bad formatting)

One Saturday morning a very rich golf course owner is out for a round with his two friends when they see a solo player with something odd in his bag. They call out to him and ask what it is. He replies that he cannot say but they persist. After agreeing to show the contents of the bag in return f...

An Old One That I Forget Where It Came From

Let me tell you a story about Dave. Dave was a very successful man in the field of Medicine. He had his own office. He had a cute receptionist. He had plenty of patients who loved him and everything was going his way.

But Dave had a secret that he was terrified of. You see, Dave recently ent...

When you see geese flying in V formation, have you ever noticed that one side of the V is longer than the other? Well, there's a reason for that.

There are more geese on that side.

Have you ever heard of the Bowling Ball Killer?

He waits till he sees a group of people standing in a perfect bowling pin formation and then that's when he strikes. Very disturbing.

(not mine, but my partner's joke)

To all the people who say 'JIF', I've got two words for you:

Jraphics Interchange Format

The Spanish assassin

There was once a hitman who was known for his skill and stealth. Nobody really knew his identity, except for the fact that he always used to count to three before shooting his victim.

One time, a mob leader wanted a hit on a rival leader, so he hired him. He said "I want the kill to be clean,...

Three organized weaklings defeat an army of barbarians.

When asked how they did it, they responded:

"You know what they say, knowledge is power."

The people still didn't understand, so the trio explained it further:

"Well, you see, we were in formation"

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Three guys die and go to Heaven...

When they go to approach the pearly gates suddenly Satan pops out and tells them, "Sorry Heaven is full! If you want to get in you gotta give me a question I can't answer correctly and I will let you in!"
The first guy steps forward. "I was a philosopher in my life and I can garuntee you don't k...

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Son: "Mom, Dad, I'm gay."

Mom: *Stares at Dad*

Dad: *Clenches fist*

Mom: "Don't!"

Dad: *Sweats Profusely*

Mom: "..."

Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"

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Son: Dad, why's my sister called Teresa?

Dad: It's an anagram of Easter, and your Mum loves Easter.
Son: Okay, thanks Dad.
Dad: You're welcome Alan.

*bugger mobile for the formatting*

A guys dies and goes to heaven...

St. Peter is giving the guy a tour. They walk down a huge hallway filled with clocks.
"What are all these clocks for" the guy asked.
"Every person who has ever lived has a clock and every time they lie it ticks 1 second" St peter says
"So where is george washingtons clocks at the guy asked...

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Three Vampires walk into a bar and sit down

The bartender comes over and asks them what they want to drink

1st Vampire: Give me a shot of blood

2nd Vampire: I want a double shot

3rd Vampire: All I want is a cup of hot water

So the bartender goes and gets the drinks and comes back. He hands them the drinks, but look...

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The Bravest and Fiercest

The king was getting old and did not trust his sons to rule his kingdom after his passing. He decided that he must find a husband for his daughter. This man, who would one day take the throne, had to be the bravest and fiercest warrior in all the land.

The king devised a test. his engineers ...

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I haven't had sex since 1994

This isn't a time format joke.

I'm just an almost 24 year old virgin.

The year is 2028 and r/jokes is going strong...

A new user gets on to r/jokes and sees the most upvoted joke just says "28"

The second most upvoted joke says "3915"

The third most upvoted joke says "756"

He can't see why they're getting so many upvotes, so he comments "These aren't jokes, they're numbers"

The admin rep...

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A man sends his son out with a duck and tells him to make some money

So the son naturally heads for the county fair to see if anyone wants to buy it. Along the way, he sees this ugly prostitute.

The prostitute walks up to him and says, "Hey that's a nice duck you got there. Tell ya what. If you give me that duck, I'll fuck you."

So they go into the wo...

I'm switching all of my clocks to a 24-hour format...

...making it much easier to wait til 5 o'clock to start drinking

True Evil - Mathematical Proof

We have all heard the saying that Time is money.

We also know that Girls take time and money.

There is also a saying that Money is the root of all evil.

Thus if my math is correct...


Time = Money

Girls = Time x money = Money^2

Money =√Evil

Thus by...

What did God say to Noah?

Do a backup, I'm going to format it.

Day 12 without my phone

(on mobile, sorry for formatting issues)

I lost my phone 12 days ago and don't know where it is, please help.

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