This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The farmer and the neighbor boy (sorry for the mobile format)

This lonely farmer likes to sit on his porch his every mourning. One mourning, as he’s sitting there, a boy comes walking down the road carrying a giant roll of duct tape.

The farmer asks “what are you doing with so much tape?” The boy replies “this isn’t just any tape this is duck tape. I’...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the difference between a crap meme format and and an unvaccinated child?

Only one dies after going viral.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A good party/bar joke that doesn't work well in Reddit format.

So, this doesn't work here, but I figured I'd post it as it's a good joke to have in the bag for when you're with a group of friends, or as an icebreaker at a bar or gathering or something. It's the long-story format, so you can adlib as much as you like to extend it a bit, but I'll give the framewo...

A guy with an unfortunate last name...(long format)

Joins the army. His last name has the odd distinction of having two z's at the start of it and since everything in the military is done alphabetically hes always the last guy in line.

One day their sergeant gets the entire company together for training:

"Alright! We're gonna have you a...

What is the default format for child molesters?

.PDF Files.

What image format does Gordon Ramsay hates the most?

.raw

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There was a controversial sale on music in lossless format.

I got a lot of FLAC from participating in it.

FYI: The .gif file format is pronounced "jiff"

I know because I joogled it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Jokes in the "Day XXX withouth sex: joke" format

Can I get some contributions to this format that is so dear to my heart? :(

My two personal favorites:

​

Day 37 without sex: my dentist told me to spit . . . I swallowed.

​

Day 150 without sex: I slammed the brakes so the seatbelt would choke ...

What's a furry's favorite file storage format?

.rawr

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[Long Format] A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane...

He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”

She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Conven...

I'm switching all of my clocks to a 24-hour format...

...making it much easier to wait til 5 o'clock to start drinking

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Five friends were sitting around, debating which Pixar movie is the greatest

After a few hours of debate, no one was willing to concede, and it was decided that a vote must be held. Unfortunately, with so few friends present, it was clear that they would need to bring the vote to the greater public. The group decided that each friend would make a plea to the subreddit of the...

One day an out of work mime was visiting the zoo

trying to earn some money as a street performer. However, as soon as he started to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabbed him and dragged him into his office. 

The zookeeper explained to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, had suddenly died. The keeper feared that attenda...

A woman is having a conversation with a man at her office.

Woman: What is your idea of a perfect date?

Man: MM/DD/YYYY, other formats can be really confusing.

An Old One That I Forget Where It Came From

Let me tell you a story about Dave. Dave was a very successful man in the field of Medicine. He had his own office. He had a cute receptionist. He had plenty of patients who loved him and everything was going his way.

But Dave had a secret that he was terrified of. You see, Dave recently ent...

My English teacher got really angry about the format of my essay.

It wasn't justified.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

nsfw smells like dick

my friend just told me this outside

two whores have a conversation on the street


Whore 1: i think we will make a lot of money tonight


Whore 2: do you think so?

Whore 1: yeah i smell dick in the air

Whore 2: thats because i just burped


sorry if th...

Ask me what the secret to comedy is.

What’s the secret to comedy?Timing.

This joke does not work via text format.

To all the people who say 'JIF', I've got two words for you:

Jraphics Interchange Format

What did God say to Noah?

Do a backup, I'm going to format it.

William Shakespeare did not pioneer the modern form of a play

While the format of act 1, then a break, then act 2 was used by Shakespeare it originally came from Spain.

It was initially unpopular in Spain as people were confused by the break in the play as no one expects the *Spanish intermission*.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I haven't had sex since 1994

This isn't a time format joke.

I'm just an almost 24 year old virgin.

What’s the difference?

Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give?

Farmer: Which one? The Black one or the brown one?

Interviewer: Brown one.

Farmer: A couple of litres per day.

Interviewer: And the black one?

Farmer: A couple of litres per day.

Interviewer (naturally a bit flu...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A bad smell follows the bastard

A woman came home from work one day, and her husband of fifteen years had a rather dramatic message for her: he wanted a divorce.

Understandably, she was quite devastated by the news, and to make matters worse he demanded she move out of their home before the end of the month. He offered her ...

Think before you post!

Seriously people. Reddit isn’t the best format for all jokes. Some are just better in person and don’t work online. I’ve had it up to here with you people...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

**NSFW** Little Johnny comes home from school one day

Little Johnny comes home from school one day and tells his dad, “Dad, some kids got into trouble for using bad words in class, but I don’t even know what they mean”.

“That’s OK Johnny, because I don’t want you using bad words anyway.”

“But Dad, can’t you tell me what they mean so I kno...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man bursts into a sperm bank, wearing a mask and weilding a gun.

He goes to the woman behind the counter, puts the gun in her face and screams "OPEN THE VAULT!" She timidly stammers, "Sir, this is a sperm bank. There's no money..." He cocks the gun and screams, "I SAID OPEN IT!!!" She reluctantly leads him to the big freezer, "see" she says, "it's just test tubes...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A student goes to the principal

A student visits the principal's office. The principal asks:
"What is your name, son?"
The student replies:
"D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir."
Then the principal asks:
"Oh, do you have a stutter?"
Student answers:
"No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was an...

A guys dies and goes to heaven...

St. Peter is giving the guy a tour. They walk down a huge hallway filled with clocks.
"What are all these clocks for" the guy asked.
"Every person who has ever lived has a clock and every time they lie it ticks 1 second" St peter says
"So where is george washingtons clocks at the guy asked...

My family is putting an electrical plug in our elm tree.

They were going to put it in the bushes, but I convinced them that a tree-prong outlet would be better for the ground.

---------

"Tree-prong outlet" stolen from an engineer I was talking to today, but joke format is all mine.

Yo momma is so big that...

I had to format my NTFS drive to a different file system to support her pictures

He put the punchline in the title

Did you hear about the guy who can't format his jokes properly?

My grandfather told me this In German so it might already be posted somewhere here, oh and it's translated

Two guys are riding bicycles down the street.

One of the bikes fenders was loose and was making a loud noise.

So the first guy said to the second guy
"Hey your fender is too loud"

The second guy says "what?"

The first guy speaks louder
"your fender is too loud" <...

A Student is in Engineering Class, when the Teacher asks What is a Machine?

Student 1: A machine is anything that reduces human effort

Teacher: Will you please elaborate?

Student 1: Anything that simplifies work, or saves time, is a machine

Teacher: What is the true definition?

Student 2: Sir, machines are any combination of bodies so connected t...

There was this government inspector checking out a hospital

There was this government inspector checking out a hospital. He gets guided round most of the wards by a resident doctor, and things seem okay. They have just one more ward to go, when the doctor's pager goes off and he runs to take an emergency call, the inspector decides to proceed, and asks the...

Stressed over finals? That's fine.

Just make sure your suicide note is in MLA format.

Nerdy pickup line

Hey baby, are you a compressed file format, because rar.

^^^^^now ^^^^^where ^^^^^did ^^^^^I ^^^^^put ^^^^^the ^^^^^bleach...

Father: *places hand on shoulder* My son.....

*Son: Yes father?
*Father: Check out this cool severed hand I just found!

editted for format, which I suck at apparently

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Donald Trump goes to the doctor...

He says, "Listen doc, i get erections. I get the best erections, they're yuuuuuge, call Sean Hannity, he'll tell you. I'm having issues in the bedroom, presidential bedroom, and I'm falling flat, unlike my poll numbers. Can I get some Viagra?"

The Dr replies, "No, but I can offer you some exe...

"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully,"

...and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week," said the divorce court judge.

"That's very fair, your honor," the husband replied, "and every now and then I'll try and send her a few bucks myself."

EDIT: Format

EDIT(2): I didn't make this joke, I got it from a thread and pos...

A collection of Radio Yerevan jokes

Radio Yerevan jokes were basically a pre-internet meme here in the former Eastern Bloc, which follow a simple QnA format and were often political, and here's a few of my favorites:

---

Radio Yerevan was asked: Is it true that there is freedom of speech in the Soviet Union in the same w...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[Long] Three men arrive at a forest.

They have heard of a mythical lake that grants any wishes, so they went to the forest to search for it. Within 5 minutes of walking, they have miraculously found the magical lake.

The lake spirit, sensing the arrival, solidified from thin air to address the group. "Welcome to the mythical lak...

A blonde goes to buy a TV.

A blonde goes out to buy a TV at a department store.

Blonde: I'd like that TV please.

Clerk: Sorry, we don't sell to blondes.

So the blonde goes out and dyes her hair brown. She then goes back to the store.

Blonde: I'd like that TV please.

Clerk: I'm sorry but we d...

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard

The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and ...

**WHAT DO WE WANT?** *A time machine!* **WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!**

*...doesn't matter.*

Also, I can't format.

What are your favorite "No arms, no legs" jokes?

In case you don't know the format, here's a few examples.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pond?
Bob.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pot?
Stu.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves?
Rustle....

A guy walks up to another guy with a dog. . .

The man asks, "Does your dog bite?" and the other guy replies, "No, not at all."
So then the guy asks, "Can I pet him?" and the other guy says, "Sure." As the man goes to pet the dog, it bites him viciously. The guy complains, "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" which the other person re...

There are 10 kinds of people in this world:

->1. Those who understand binary.

->10. Those who don't.



***edit: I had to add the arrows because the '10' was translating to '2' when I saved it.

Reddit auto format: first group.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One of my favorites, probably a repost...

A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. So he decides to try it out at dinner.

DAD: Son, where were you today during school?

SON: At school *robot slaps son*

SON: Ok, I went to the movies.

DAD: Which one?

SON: Toy Story *robot slaps son again*...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A joke to tell your friends.

Hey guys, I'm not sure if this is the correct place to post this, or the right format, but I've got an amazing joke for you all that will almost definitely draw everyone you are with in, as long as they do not know it is a joke.

Firstly, you need to turn the conversation towards hitchhiking,...

A Mathematician

A mathematician gives his wife an algebraic expression and asks her to solve it while they were in bed.
The wife asks, "Why?"
"Because I need you to isolate the D. " Edit: Format

Obama and Putin have a discussion..

Putin: Let's just talk about this man to man..

Obama: Ok one moment, let me get Michelle.

My uncle told it much better but I can't remember how he said it. Feel free to repost it if you can format it better.

I asked my 2 yr old to "give me a minute".

So my 2 y.o. daughter follows me almost *everywhere* around the house. I walked into the bathroom yesterday and sure enough, there she is 5 seconds later. Frustrated, I said, "Can you please just give me 1 minute?" She says, "Huh? Ok." and right when I think she's going to give me a moment of peace ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is dating 3 woman (x-post funny)

A MAN IS DATING THREE WOMEN

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to
marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a
present of $5000 and watches to see what she does with the
money.

The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty
s...

During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer:

Change the last line of the Lord's prayer from "Give us this day our daily bread" to "Give us this day our daily chicken," and Kentucky Fried Chicken will donate $10,000,000 to Catholic charities. The Pope declined.
Two weeks later, the man approached the Pope again - this time with a $50,000,000...

I would have been a stripper...

...but I just couldn't pull it off.

Follow the format; go!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

'Economic Stimulus' payment

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.

This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by
using a Q & A format:


Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?

A. It is money that the federal gover...

It was the first day back at school in Birmingham, England, and the teacher began calling out the names of the pupils:

Mustafa al Eih Zeri?

>Here

Achmed El Kabul?

>Here

Fatima Bin Pardin?

>Here

Ali Abdul Olmi?

>Here

Mohammed Bin Kadir?

>Here

Ali Son al En?
Silence in the classroom.

Ali Son al En?
Continued sil...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Timmy was staying at his grandparents house

Timmy was staying at his grandparents house for week during summer vacation.


One day his grandpa is smoking cigar, Timmy asked his grandpa can I try one. Grandpa asked does your dick reach all the way to your asshole? Timmy shook his head and said No. Then you can't smoke one said his g...

Love sickness

Love sickness has been known throughout history to affect young boys and girls. These days, love sickness is just known as hepatitis.

*Tried my best to rework a comment my professor made into joke format, kind of rambling but you get the idea*

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Old enough to serve, not old enough to be served: the Army and Alcohol

There was a thread a while back where a pun thread took off; it was about the moral hypocrisy of being allowed to put your life at risk fighting in war, while simultaneously not being allowed to drink alcohol.

While I detest most pun threads, this one seemed entertaining to me for some reason...

Johnny and Nancy

Johnny had a tree house that was really high up. He decides that it's the perfect place to kiss a girl so he invites his favorite female friend Nancy.

She agrees to go up to the tree house with him.

Once they meet up at the tree house, johnny gets excited; she is wearing a skirt too!<...

Pay me a complement.

Wife: I look like a fat, ugly, wrinkly, pig, be a dear and pay me a complement

Husband: Your eyesight's damn near perfect.

Request: Joke Length in brackets

When submitting the title of the joke, what if we had some sort of convention?

Recent submissions:

* [A rancher dies.](http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/rebvl/a_rancher_dies/)

* [The present](http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/re2or/the_present/)

* [Former Olympi...