UPJOKE
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I never thought I'd have a fetish for collecting data on people.

But then I came to my census

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A single sperm contains 37.5mb of DNA information which means that a normal ejaculation represents a data transfer of 1587.5 tb

That's a lot of information to swallow

Technically, Moses was the first man in history to download data from the cloud to his tablet.

Technically, Moses was the first man in history to download data from the cloud to his tablet. And lucky the data is also in the cloud, cause he got angry and smashed his tablet, so he needed a new one to download everything again.

I collected a lot of data trying to disprove confirmation bias.

The results were exactly what I expected.

My LGBTQ+ programmer friend told me they were having trouble with some data inputs the other day...

I think it's because they're non-binary

There are two types of people in this world: One, who can extrapolate from incomplete data,

Two.

New data has claimed that only 52% of students leave school with an acceptable grade in Maths.

Safe to say I am part of the 34% that struggled with it.

Science whiz

So Bobby had a science project where he had to come up with an experiment and observation. After much thought, he decided to use his pet spider.

With his notebook to collect data, he brought his spider and let it out on the table. Bobby then said to the spider, “Walk”.
The spider started ...

What does a baby computer call his father?

Data.

If you think that your microwave is collecting data and the Tv is spying on you is bad enough...

The vacuum have been gathering dirt on your for years...

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud toward him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefu...

The Italians set up two telecommunications networks. They called them Data-1, and..









...Dissa-1

What's the difference between USA and USB?

One connects to your devices and accesses your data, and the other is a hardware standard.

Did you know?

Did you know that a sperm cell contains 35.75 MB of data. Making a load contain about 16TB

Yes i know, thats alot of information to swallow.

What do you call a drive full of sorted data?

Information in formation

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Me and my friend getting high in my room. Friend: Did you know that your cum holds 1.5 TB of data per ejaculation?

Me: That's how I DDoS your mum bruh.

Why did Lt. Commander Data get arrested?

Because he was being charged with a battery.

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Internet speed world record broken in Japan with 319Tb/s data transer speed

But still the contents will be blurry

A spy stationed in a foreign country stopped responding to his handler.

A spy stationed in a foreign country stopped responding to his handler. After a while, the handler received a letter in the mail. It told her the spy has been compromised, but, before his capture, he'd snuck out some very important government secrets. He'd used the world's smallest memory card to co...

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Sex in high school is like big data

Everybody talks about it but nobody knows what it is

Mix up

An old man suddenly arrived in Hell in a burst of flames, looking lost and confused
The Devil looked at his paperwork, and frowned. He was unable to find this old man’s data file.

“This can’t be right,” the old man grumbled, looking at the Devil, “I’ve been a good man all my life.”
...

A priest, a thief, and an engineer were all waiting in line to be executed by guillotine during the French revolution.

The priest was to be the first to meet his fate. As he stepped onto the platform the executioner asked him "Father, would you like to meet your maker face up or face down?"

After thinking about it for a moment, the priest answered "My son, if today is to be my last day, then I wish to go face...

My stats professor told me that the larger the sample size the more trustworthy the data.

I guess the N's justify the means.

What do a zoo owner and a Python data analyst have in common?

They both import pandas.

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One ejaculation has about 15,875GB of data

That’s a lot of information to swallow

I found a book today that's all about selling your personal data for nefarious use

Facebook

Why do you always call your first data point y₀?

Why not?

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What do data and baby shit have in common?

They are both removed with a wipe!

If they found the captain's log in Picard's bathroom, what did they find in the second officers urinal?

Data stream

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An Italian wants a job [read in an accent]

An Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. Here's your first question,' the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'

'Withouta numbers?' the Italian says, 'Datsa easy.' and he proceeds to draw three trees.

'W...

The misuse of users' Facebook data has caused Mark Zuckerberg significant emotional distress.

He asks that you respect his privacy during this challenging time.

The equalizer machine

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine, called the equalizer that would transfer a part of the mother's labor pain to the father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. The father, being very ...

What did the JFK robot say when his data was corrupted?

"ERR-AH ERR-AH ERR-AH"

What's a pirate's favorite device to store data on ?

CD-RUM

Google didn't fail to inform about Google+ data breach.

They posted it on Google+ but no one saw it.

The most embarrassing thing that can happen to a data scientist...

Is premature extrapolation.

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The only app I want stealing my personal data is Pornhub.

Their 'recommended for you' section is always lit!

Does anyone know why tik tok data is getting stolen?

I thought they would be looking for intelligence.....

I've made a DataBase of some of the worst Carpool Karaoke songs ever.

It's called CarDB!

Statistically speaking, the data I have collected indicates my dad jokes are quite funny...

I guess you can call it dada science...

Multi-level Meta Joke

A guy walks into Metaverse and asks Zuckerberg for a free harvested data. Zuckerberg says "I'll give you a free harvested data if you can tell me a multi-level meta joke." So the guy says "A guy walks into Metaverse and asks Zuckerberg for a free harvested data. Zuckerberg says "I'll give you a free...

Trying to create a decent graph of my data but some mystery guy keeps adding more samples to it.

The plot thickens.

Data: Captain

We have the 20th century machine that puts clothes together now working. Would you like to see a demonstration.

Capt: Make it sew.

I hate it when people use the average of several data points to represent their data.

It’s just mean.

Do you know why they called it TikTok?

Cos in just a matter of seconds it steals all your data!

Breaking news

Italy is planning to launch 2 new communications satellites in the next year.

They're named Data-1 and Dissa-1.

In light of the customers' data breach Capital One unveiled a new slogan today:

Who's in your wallet?

A monk walks into a data center

And says to the owner, "Great things will come to you if you allow me to store my R.E.A.P device here."
The owner, confused, asks what a R.E.A.P device is. The monk smiles and writes a little note to the man that states: "It doesn't matter what it is but you will get great karma for R.E.A.P Hosti...

Mark Zuckerberg is really upset that Facebook is about to be fined $5 billion by the FTC for misusing users’ personal data.

Please respect his privacy at this challenging time.

Why couldn’t the restaurant owners open a new data center

They didn’t have enough servers

There are 2 types of people on this planet

Those who can extrapolate omitted data using existing data.

Why do conservative data analysts hate vertically joining datasets?

Because they're anti-union

I named my data endpoint protection AI "Johnny".

He's my Johnny D.E.P.P.

People were asking how the hell Data is going to be in the new Picard series

I thought it was pretty obvious that Jean Luc would have an unlimited Data plan

Why does Data the android cost Starfleet so much money?

Because Data is enterprise hardware.

Turns out google is selling your personal data

Bing if true.

Which food collects your personal data?

A Zuckerburger.

Moses was very modern

He was the first to get a tablet with a data from the cloud

What did the data say to the CPU?

Cache me outside

What do a strip club and a Reddit data center have in common?

Both are full of big racks and lonely guys.

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If a sperm has 37.5 MB of DNA info and one ejaculation equals 15,875 GB of data, then why aren't we using sperm based hard drives?

Because once the data is released the hard drives revert to floppy dicks.

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A love story

A Love Story


Micro was a real time user and a dedicated multi-user. His broad-band protocol made it easy for him to interface with numerous input/output devices, even if it meant time sharing.

One evening Micro arrived home just as the sun was crashing. He had parked his Motorola ...

If I had a pound for every email I got about data protection...

Well that's private

Statistical inference joke - why are two medians in a single data set funny?

Because it's a co-median ^_^

I tried to set up multiple knock knock jokes about data storage...

But nobody would take a byte.

How do data march?

In formation.

Find out if Cambridge Analytica has access to your data...

But first, fill out this personality & psychological profile quiz to find out...

Data gathered from over 10,000 prisoners worldwide suggests that the most common side effect is...

...cell-ulite.

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The average sperm cell contains 37.5 MB of data

That means the average ejaculation contains 1587.5 TB of data.

It's a lot of information to spit out before getting a divorce, leaving with the kids and house, and leaving you with nothing but a dingy car and your clothes to live the rest of your sad, lonely life.

I'm really worried about my privacy being compromised and my personal data being shared by third parties.

"Alexa, what steps can I take to protect my privacy?"

Breaking news: EA has been hacked

Apparently the hackers have stolen some 780GB of data. EA insists no player data has been compromised.

They said it's in the game.

Everyone's so surprised about Facebook stealing their data. But not me...

...I saw the writing on the wall.

NASA Scientists were eagerly waiting for the rover to send back the first sounds from Mars.

A program decades in the making, a feat of engineering never before accomplished. Not only did they include high resolution cameras for the landing, but incredibly robust microphones to capture the first sounds from an alien planet.

The team of people were huddled around a lab station for hou...

I was visiting my hometown and I drove past the data recovery center I used to work at.

It really brought back a lot of memories.

A friend of mine accidentally deleted my game data and told me to calm down

...So after a nice cup of tea, i hid his body

What do you call an Asian woman who lives next to a data centre?

Ping Lo.

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