I collected a lot of data trying to disprove confirmation bias.

The results were exactly what I expected.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One ejaculation has about 15,875GB of data

That’s a lot of information to swallow

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

UK reports 22% increase in testicular cancer diagnosis this quarter, despite the NHS being heavily understaffed. Healthcare data analysts are still looking for the cause.

And in other news PornHub sees huge rise in internet traffic since lock-down was announced in march.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The only app I want stealing my personal data is Pornhub.

Their 'recommended for you' section is always lit!

What do you call a drive full of sorted data?

Information in formation

Does anyone know why tik tok data is getting stolen?

I thought they would be looking for intelligence.....

Statistically speaking, the data I have collected indicates my dad jokes are quite funny...

I guess you can call it dada science...

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A single sperm has about 37.5 mb of data in it. That would mean a single ejaculation would be a transfer of about 1.587 tb worth of data

That’s a lot of information to swallow, I know.

There are two kinds of people in the world...

those who are unable to extrapolate from data.

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How many consultants does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to collect all the information from the client what he wants done
1 to fill a flipchart with nonsensical bullshit
1 to whip the interns to actually collect the data required (i.e. someone has to pretend to work)
1 to write a report about it
12 to bill the work of the 18 people ...

Don't be worried about your smartphone and television collecting your data...

Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for YEARS now.

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A statistician was accused of selection bias in his work surveying virgins.

Apparently he was cherry-picking his data.

Google knows!

Subject: Today's Reality


CALLER: Is this Gordon's Pizza?


GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza.


CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.


GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.


CALLER: OK. I would like to order a ...

A woman is urgently rushed to hospital by her brother to give birth to twins.

In the hospital, she gives birth to a boy and a girl. She loses consciousness shortly after.


A few hours later, she wakes up with a doctor standing over her. She asks "Where are my children?"


The doctor replies "They're in the next room with your brother. He said you wouldn't m...

Whats the difference between USA and USB?

One connects to your devices and accesses your data, the other is a hardware standard.

The misuse of users' Facebook data has caused Mark Zuckerberg significant emotional distress.

He asks that you respect his privacy during this challenging time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jack is a cowboy working on a large ranch in a remote pasture in Wyoming.

One day as he’s overseeing the livestock on the ranch a brand-new 7 Series BMW suddenly advances towards him creating an enormous cloud of dust in the process

The car stops and the driver is a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses and YSL tie. He steps out of the car and...

Data: Captain

We have the 20th century machine that puts clothes together now working. Would you like to see a demonstration.

Capt: Make it sew.

Why do conservative data analysts hate vertically joining datasets?

Because they're anti-union

My stats professor told me that the larger the sample size the more trustworthy the data.

I guess the N's justify the means.

Don't have enough storage?

Buy a chinese phone, so you are ensured that CCP has backup of all your data.

In light of the customers' data breach Capital One unveiled a new slogan today:

Who's in your wallet?

People were asking how the hell Data is going to be in the new Picard series

I thought it was pretty obvious that Jean Luc would have an unlimited Data plan

Why doesn't Spiderman have a data plan for his phone?

Because he's always connected to the web

Breakups are the best excuse.

Your friends want to go out to that restaurant you hate?

Just look sad and say: “My girlfriend and I used to love going there...”

Boom, nobody wants to go anymore. Pity works wonders.

Your boss asks you at stay late Friday night?

Look sad and say: “My girlfriend and I use...

A study of different American’s choice of sport

Now this is profound:

It is very interesting looking over data of different socioeconomic groups in America and the different types of recreation they partake in, and what it means about them as a group.

Poor people tend to play basketball.

Working Class tend to play football<...

What's a pirate's favorite device to store data on ?

CD-RUM

Mark Zuckerberg is really upset that Facebook is about to be fined $5 billion by the FTC for misusing users’ personal data.

Please respect his privacy at this challenging time.

Trying to create a decent graph of my data but some mystery guy keeps adding more samples to it.

The plot thickens.

Google didn't fail to inform about Google+ data breach.

They posted it on Google+ but no one saw it.

A monk walks into a data center

And says to the owner, "Great things will come to you if you allow me to store my R.E.A.P device here."
The owner, confused, asks what a R.E.A.P device is. The monk smiles and writes a little note to the man that states: "It doesn't matter what it is but you will get great karma for R.E.A.P Hosti...

A couple scientists created an AI

That seemed to be able to answer all questions. It cured cancer and even told them how to travel faster than light.one day one of the scientists asked it if there was a god. The ai asked for all of humanities information in order to answer. It was given all books ever written, all historical data an...

Smith was a man of cold facts, a scientist, a computer jock, and a confirmed atheist.

He became somewhat obsessed with the desire to prove the truth as he saw it. So he mortgaged his house and sold his car in order to put a down payment on the most powerful computer commercially available. Then Smith plugged it into every data bank in the world, accessed every library in the United S...

I hate it when people use the average of several data points to represent their data.

It’s just mean.

I named my data endpoint protection AI "Johnny".

He's my Johnny D.E.P.P.

Why does Data the android cost Starfleet so much money?

Because Data is enterprise hardware.

Why couldn’t the restaurant owners open a new data center

They didn’t have enough servers

Turns out google is selling your personal data

Bing if true.

How do data march?

In formation.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy asks his dad about the difference between theory and practice.

So the dad tells him to go and ask his sister, mother, and grandmother whether or not they would be willing to sleep with a man for 1 million dollars.

The boy asks his grandmother who says "for much less"

Then his mother who says "beats sleeping with that broke son of a bitch you call ...

Which food collects your personal data?

A Zuckerburger.

What did the data say to the CPU?

Cache me outside

New data: in Manhattan, a pedestrian is hit by a car every ten minutes

... poor guy!

If I had a pound for every email I got about data protection...

Well that's private

What do a strip club and a Reddit data center have in common?

Both are full of big racks and lonely guys.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If a sperm has 37.5 MB of DNA info and one ejaculation equals 15,875 GB of data, then why aren't we using sperm based hard drives?

Because once the data is released the hard drives revert to floppy dicks.

I tried to set up multiple knock knock jokes about data storage...

But nobody would take a byte.

Several years ago, a group of artistic polymaths decided to mathematically represent different styles of painting.

Several years ago, a group of artistic polymaths decided to mathematically represent different styles of painting.

Each of the polymaths was a leading figure in a different field of mathematics, and each pursued and studied a different style of painting. Together, they decided that if they co...

Data gathered from over 10,000 prisoners worldwide suggests that the most common side effect is...

...cell-ulite.

A mathematician, a biologist and a statistician sat at a bar

Across the street they saw a man and a woman enter a building. 30 minutes later the man and the woman appears with a child.

The statistician said that this is clearly a case of faulty data. There is more information here than we have.

Nonsense, said the biologist. Clearly this is a sim...

I'm really worried about my privacy being compromised and my personal data being shared by third parties.

"Alexa, what steps can I take to protect my privacy?"

Find out if Cambridge Analytica has access to your data...

But first, fill out this personality & psychological profile quiz to find out...

Everyone's so surprised about Facebook stealing their data. But not me...

...I saw the writing on the wall.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The average sperm cell contains 37.5 MB of data

That means the average ejaculation contains 1587.5 TB of data.

It's a lot of information to spit out before getting a divorce, leaving with the kids and house, and leaving you with nothing but a dingy car and your clothes to live the rest of your sad, lonely life.

Star Trek: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Captain Kirk: "To boldly go where no chicken had gone before!"
Spock: "At the time, it seemed the logical thing to do."
McCoy: "Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor, not a barnyard psychologist!"
Scotty: "Because it couldna change the laws o' physics!"
Computer: "Insufficient data."

D...

What's the difference between Mark Zuckerberg and Jean Luc Picard?

Picard didn't sell Data

There are 11 types of people in this world...

1 those who understand binary

2 those who don't

3 those who are sick of hearing this joke





4 those who don't check for data overruns



Commit: re-scope of overflow after code review thanks @eightvo

-- 6 those who don't check for data overrun...

Statistical inference joke - why are two medians in a single data set funny?

Because it's a co-median ^_^

What do you call an Asian woman who lives next to a data centre?

Ping Lo.

There are 10 kinds of people...

...those who can extrapolate from missing data and those who mesh and butcher well established jokes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The world's press gathers...

...at a press conference announced by the team at CERN in Geneva. The CERN spokeswoman steps up to the speaking podium and smiles broadly at the assembled reporters, microphones and cameras. She begins to speak.

“Thank you all for joining us today. We have some major announcements to make...

I made a graph showing my past relationships

But I don’t have any data to input

A group of Engineers are in a bar and the conversation turns to religion,...

The System Engineer says, "God must be an Systems Engineer, look at the design of the human nervous system. Millions of signals flying back and forward at enormous speeds, all controlled by a massively powerful processing system that can make billions of calculations every second. Only the greatest ...

I was visiting my hometown and I drove past the data recovery center I used to work at.

It really brought back a lot of memories.

A Mathematician, A Physicist and A Chemist were on a Beach

They decided to put their expertise to use and conduct some research. The Math man said, "I'll jump into the water and measure the depth of the ocean." The Physicist said, "I will go and examine the density of the water at various depths." The Chemist said, "I will use the data you both collect and ...

A friend of mine accidentally deleted my game data and told me to calm down

...So after a nice cup of tea, i hid his body

Mom: what were you doing for an hour in the toilet?

Me: i was flushing 1500 terabytes worth of data

Mom: you had your laptop with you in the toilet?

Me: Sure

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