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Data Jokes

I never thought I'd have a fetish for collecting data on people.

But then I came to my census

I collected a lot of data trying to disprove confirmation bias.

The results were exactly what I expected.

Where do pirates store their computer data?

In an ARRay.

There are two types of people in this world: One, who can extrapolate from incomplete data,

Two.

What do you call it when data goes on a difficult car journey?

A hard drive

Why did the Python data scientist get arrested at customs?

She was caught trying to import pandas!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A single sperm has 37.5 MB of information. A single ejaculation represents a data transfer of about 1,587 TB

That's a lot of information to swallow.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that the average ejaculation contains nearly 16,000 MB of data?

I don't know if I can stomach this information...

My LGBTQ+ programmer friend told me they were having trouble with some data inputs the other day...

I think it's because they're non-binary

The latest 23andMe data breach is believed to be perpetrated by the same hacker from the previous breach.

It appears they're related.

What's the spookiest data type?

***Boo***\-lean!

New data has claimed that only 52% of students leave school with an acceptable grade in Maths.

Safe to say I am part of the 34% that struggled with it.

If you wanted to display data about well built furniture for horse houses, what would it be called?

A stable stable tables table.

What is the difference between USA and USB?

One connects to your computer and accesses all your data. The other is an industry standard.

Who’s the father of data?

Data.

The Italians set up two telecommunications networks. They called them Data-1, and..









...Dissa-1

I hate it when people use the average of several data points to represent their data.

It’s just mean.

I was arrested for having an unhealthy attraction to large amounts of data

They’re calling me a petaphile

Why did Lt. Commander Data get arrested?

Because he was being charged with a battery.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex in high school is like big data

Everybody talks about it but nobody knows what it is

Data: Captain

We have the 20th century machine that puts clothes together now working. Would you like to see a demonstration.

Capt: Make it sew.

What did my Data say when he was drowning?

I’m syncing!

What do you call a drive full of sorted data?

Information in formation

Technically, Moses was the first man in history to download data from the cloud to his tablet.

Technically, Moses was the first man in history to download data from the cloud to his tablet. And lucky the data is also in the cloud, cause he got angry and smashed his tablet, so he needed a new one to download everything again.

A physicist, a mathematician, and an engineer are all found guilty of treason and sentenced to death by guillotine.

# This comment deleted to protest Reddit's API change (to reduce the value of Reddit's data).

Please see [these](https://web.archive.org/web/20230609092523/https://old.reddit.com/r/apolloapp/comments/144f6xm/apollo_will_close_down_on_june_30th_reddits/) [threads](https://web.archive.org/web/2...

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What do data and baby shit have in common?

They are both removed with a wipe!

Why do you always call your first data point y₀?

Why not?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Internet speed world record broken in Japan with 319Tb/s data transer speed

But still the contents will be blurry

I suggested an awesome product name and slogan for marketers of a data file decompression utility, but they wouldn't take me up on it.

The company's stupid focus groups thought it was inappropriate.

I mean, come on, what's wrong with:

"SIGH unzips"?

The most embarrassing thing that can happen to a data scientist...

Is premature extrapolation.

A monk walks into a data center

And says to the owner, "Great things will come to you if you allow me to store my R.E.A.P device here."
The owner, confused, asks what a R.E.A.P device is. The monk smiles and writes a little note to the man that states: "It doesn't matter what it is but you will get great karma for R.E.A.P Hosti...

Google didn't fail to inform about Google+ data breach.

They posted it on Google+ but no one saw it.

I found a book today that's all about selling your personal data for nefarious use

Facebook

What did the data say to the CPU?

Cache me outside

How do data march?

In formation.

I named my data endpoint protection AI "Johnny".

He's my Johnny D.E.P.P.

Does anyone know why tik tok data is getting stolen?

I thought they would be looking for intelligence.....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The only app I want stealing my personal data is Pornhub.

Their 'recommended for you' section is always lit!

What did the JFK robot say when his data was corrupted?

"ERR-AH ERR-AH ERR-AH"

Don't be worried about your smartphone and television collecting your data...

Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for YEARS now.

Which food collects your personal data?

A Zuckerburger.

The CEO of a company was in need of a secretary

He spread ads all over town. A few days later, there was a knock on his door. It was a dog. He had a newspaper in his mouth. He opened it to the classifieds page and pointed to the ad that the CEO had placed. The CEO was impressed. But he thought it was a joke, so he decided to test the dog:

...

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An engineer, physicist, and a statistician in a hotel room...

So an engineer, a physicist, and a statistician are all sleeping in a hotel room when suddenly an outlet catches fire. The engineer wakes up first and says to himself "this is an electrical fire, water won't work!" And runs to grab a fire extinguisher. The physicist wakes up next and thinks to himse...

Why couldn’t the restaurant owners open a new data center

They didn’t have enough servers

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me and my friend getting high in my room. Friend: Did you know that your cum holds 1.5 TB of data per ejaculation?

Me: That's how I DDoS your mum bruh.

Turns out google is selling your personal data

Bing if true.

A small collection of my favorite science jokes

A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “How much for a drink?”

“For you, sir, no charge!”

 

What's 2 times 2?

Physicist: “After some measurements I am fairly sure it is somewhere between 3.81 and 4.13!”

Mathematician: “After some consideration ...

Why does Data the android cost Starfleet so much money?

Because Data is enterprise hardware.

I've made a DataBase of some of the worst Carpool Karaoke songs ever.

It's called CarDB!

Statistically speaking, the data I have collected indicates my dad jokes are quite funny...

I guess you can call it dada science...

In light of the customers' data breach Capital One unveiled a new slogan today:

Who's in your wallet?

Find out if Cambridge Analytica has access to your data...

But first, fill out this personality & psychological profile quiz to find out...

What's the problem with leptokurtic data sets?

They tend to be mean.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The average sperm cell contains 37.5 MB of data

That means the average ejaculation contains 1587.5 TB of data.

It's a lot of information to spit out before getting a divorce, leaving with the kids and house, and leaving you with nothing but a dingy car and your clothes to live the rest of your sad, lonely life.

The misuse of users’ Facebook data has caused Mark Zuckerberg significant emotional distress.

He asks that you respect his privacy during this challenging time.

Larger the sample size the more trustworthy the data

I guess the N's justify the means.

Everyone's so surprised about Facebook stealing their data. But not me...

...I saw the writing on the wall.

If I had a pound for every email I got about data protection...

Well that's private

What do a strip club and a Reddit data center have in common?

Both are full of big racks and lonely guys.

Trying to create a decent graph of my data but some mystery guy keeps adding more samples to it.

The plot thickens.

What data service is red and wireless?

Flash-Drives

People were asking how the hell Data is going to be in the new Picard series

I thought it was pretty obvious that Jean Luc would have an unlimited Data plan

Statistical inference joke - why are two medians in a single data set funny?

Because it's a co-median ^_^

What does a baby computer call its father?

Data

Data gathered from over 10,000 prisoners worldwide suggests that the most common side effect is...

...cell-ulite.

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud toward him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefu...

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The Italian math challenge

An Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. Here's your first question,' the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'

'Withouta numbers?' the Italian says, 'Datsa easy.' and he proceeds to draw three trees.

'...

A friend of mine accidentally deleted my game data and told me to calm down

...So after a nice cup of tea, i hid his body

What do you call an Asian woman who lives next to a data centre?

Ping Lo.

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