Word is Hollywood executives are mad about Elliot Page transitioning from a woman to a man...

Now they'll have to pay him 20% more...

I just memorized six pages of the dictionary...

I learned next to nothing.

A man was really struggling so he decides to open a Bible to random page and drop his finger on a verse and do whatever it says.

The verse his finger landed on was Matthew 27:5 “than Judas hanged himself”

The man thought “that’s not right, let me try again” and does the same thing, this time landing on Luke 10:37 “Jesus told him ‘go and do likewise’”

Again the man thought it wasn’t right and so he did it one l...

I just got a joke book whose entire gimmick is the fact that you can rip the pages out and hand it to people.

Its a book of tear-able puns.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many redittors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers ...

Do you think they would write a book about Ellen Page's transformation into Elliot?

They really should.

It would be a real Page-turner

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was sur...

I ordered a thesaurus from Amazon but when it arrived I found all of the pages were blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

While my wife was in labor, I read her the front page from /r/Jokes to distract her from the pain, but she didn’t seem amused...

It must have been the delivery...

In honor of the other math joke I saw on the front page

A mountain climber is climbing a mountain from the bottom along it’s only path. A mosquito starts at the top and follows the path downwards. Where do the two meet?

Nowhere. You can’t cross a scalar and a vector.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What kind of pet shop is this?

Joe loved his dog. Only one problem - his dog wasn’t housebroken. Joe tried everything, read every dog training book, bought every device on the market. But the dog was untrainable. Finally, he saw an ad for a pet shop that guaranteed results. Desperate, he gave it a try.

The pet shop was ve...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man in Alberta wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof.

So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough..there's an ad for "Alberta Bear Removers."
He calls the number and the man says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean heavily scarred old pi...

Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary

What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous

All the comic books I inherited from my older brother had their last pages missing.

I had to draw my own conclusions.

A man walked into a copy shop, and requested that they print a book for him with pages 30 feet long and 1 foot wide.

Printer: "Why do you need pages that long?"

Man: "Well, it's a long story."

What's the punishment for gluing together the pages of a biography?

Multiple back-to-back life sentences.

I had no freaking idea!

I visited a local news website this morning and saw a picture of a good friend of mine on the front page with a title above saying, "A 34-year-old mechanic arrested for dealing drugs". I really thought I knew the guy, but I guess I was wrong. I mean, I've been a loyal customer of his for almost 7 ye...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

4 Friends missed their final for Chemistry because they partied too hard.

Four friends in college taking chem were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to UVirginia and party with some friends up there. So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and...

I googled 'lost medieval servant boy'...

The result was 'This page cannot be found.'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man went to the ice cream shop and ordered a chocolate cone...

“I’m sorry, Sir, we’re out of chocolate.”

“Oh, that’s too bad. I’ll have a chocolate cone with sprinkles then.”

“I’m sorry, Sir, but like I told you, we’re out of chocolate.”

“How about a chocolate/vanilla twist, then?”

“Let me ask you something. How do you spell the ‘van...

The ad in the paper said, "You think you're funny? Tell us your best pun, and you'll win a $200 Amazon gift card!"

Well, I just couldn't resist. I sat down and wrote not one, but 10 of my best knee-slappers, rib-ticklers, and witty turns-of-phrase. I sent my list of comedy gold to the paper, and then began daydreaming about what I would do with $200.

The day on which the paper announced the contest winner...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I came home one day to my wife ripping pages out of "Moby Dick" in the living room. "Why are you doing that?" I asked.

She replied, "Well, to make a long story short."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Unexpectedly, an artist's wife started having sex with him every day.

Though quite unusual, he didn't question his luck, deciding to just enjoy the ride.

One day, his wife approached him. "Honey? Can you sketch a picture for me?"

"Of course!" he replied. "What should I draw?"

"What you think our baby will look like."

He stared back at her,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know that too much sex can cause memory loss?

I read it in one book on page 37, on the 8th line, it was 16:23, Monday, January 4, 2016.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you guys know too much sex can cause memory loss?

I learnt that in a medical journal, page 34. At 3:38pm on Thursday the 7th.

After a long day, I come home to see that someone tore the front and back pages of my dictionary.

It just went from bad to worse.

I don’t see what’s so hard about getting on the front page around here...

Everybody loves cake

Eh, the audio book was good.

But it wasn't really a page turner.

I asked my Google assistant to tell me what was the name of the number with 100 zeros

I’ve already tried 5 times, and it keeps refreshing to the main page. Geez, thanks a lot.

The front page is filled with memes in reference to that guy being dragged off of a plane. I can't remember the last time the entire reddit user base was so...

... United.

Lobster Tails

A man was driving through town with his windows down when he heard a man at a small roadside stand yelling, "Lobster tails! Get your lobster tails here only two dollars!"

The man hit his brakes and pulled over. He walked up to the salesman thinking this must be too good to be true.

"Ar...

Announcing the new Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge device, otherwise known as the BOOK.

It's a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift its cover. Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere -- even sitting in an armchair by the fire -- yet...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man's car breaks down in Tibet..

A man's car breaks down in Tibet, and wouldn't you know it? His phone gets no service. So he walks up a long windy road to a huge monastery at the top of the hill. He knocks at the reinforced double doors and a Tibetan monk after some minutes finally opens.

"My car broke down. Do you...

What do you call a Rick Astley song that makes it to the front page?

A rick r/all

What is a Audit?

Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road.

Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt. The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie gets out and asks the...

How do you know when you’re desperate for an answer?

You look at the second page of Google search results.

Reddit has gone fully green to help the environment.

Their front page is made of 100% recycled material.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bill knows everyone

I met a man the other day named Bill the other day, and after introductions, he said, "I am glad to finally meet you. Now I officially know everybody on the planet."

"What?" I asked, "There is no way you can possibly know everyone on the Earth."

"It's true," he said, "You are the last...

I'm pleased to announce Reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world!

The front page is now made up of over 90% recycled content

There's a web page out there about my dad and I tried to find it but you know what it said?

(Web Page Not Found)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

God woke up with a hangover.

He held His temples as one of His angels knocked gently on the door. He grumbled them inward.

"Sorry to disturb You, Sir," the angel said hesitantly. "But I wanted to congratulate you on yesterday's creations. For the most part, they were spectacular!"

"Wha...?" God mumbled blearily....

I heard Reddit likes puns so I posted ten of them thinking at least one would reach the first page

No pun in ten did

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I set up an internet page for Chinese Nazis.

So far it's got 3 Reichs on Facebook.

I’m tearing out pages of the dictionary.

I’m up to Mischief.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Old Lady and the Gentleman-for-Hire

The Old Lady and the Gentleman-for-Hire

A little old lady checked into a motel on her 70th birthday, but she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in the phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

She looked through the phone book, found a fu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife says that she will have butt sex if this hits the front page by the morning.

Please don't upvote she is on a business trip until tuesday.

I made a website for orphans.

Unfortunately it doesn't have a home page.

Preferated pages are terrible

Tearable*

After I ran out of toilet paper, a friend suggested using pages from an old book

That worked OK I guess, but now I'm looking for suggestions to clean a Kindle.

If you dont see a repost on the front page of r/jokes

It means it's your turn

How do you buy the front page of the internet?

Using your reddit card

If I ripped out the first 100 pages of my dictionary, will I then be able to look up well, but and actually?

Well yes, but, actually no

Patrick died and went to the gates of heaven

There he saw a man with a halo sitting behind a table waiting. As he approached the Saint looked up and Patrick saw two keys hanging around his neck on a chain, the keys to the pearly gates themselves. This must be St. Peter, Patrick thought.

''Hello Patrick. I just have to check through you...

In spite of all our differences here on Reddit, I’m glad about one thing.

Everyone reading this.... is on the same page.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Sensitive Man

A man and a woman meet in a singles bar. They chat, they click, they connect. The fellow proposes that they continue their discussion over drinks at his place. The woman agrees.

They arrive at his apartment, and the woman is genuinely pleasantly surprised to see that, unlike a lot of bache...

Have you played the reddit apps drinking game?

You drink until the page loads. It took me three beers to make this post

My psychiatrist said that I have too much self esteem.

I think he's very wrong.

Edit: thank you for the gold kind stranger.

Edit: thank you for the titanium kind stranger

Edit: oh my God I can't believe I got a ternion all powerful!

What do you call an internet page dedicated to anime?

A weebsite.

Richard, a good friend of mine, insisted that it's now impossible to get a "repost" to the front page of /r/jokes...

"Every joke ever written has been posted to Reddit and there is nothing left to joke about." Said Richard and he even suggesting many of you would agree.

"Put your money down on the table, I bet I can get a "repost" to the front page!" I replied with a sense of regret as I soon as I said tho...

I finished a big book the other day. 421 pages.

That's a lot of coloring when you think about it.

A man is home and sees a gorilla hanging on his backyard tree.

So he naturally picks up the yellow pages and calls the Gorilla Removal services. The professional arrives in less than ten minutes, and gets off his van with a pole, a ladder, a dog, a shotgun and handcuffs. He says "I see it's a male gorilla, so I'm taking the ladder up the tree and poke him with ...

Fun fact: Having friends gives you memory loss.

I read this in a textbook on page 53 at 4:37 PM on Friday May 12, 2006

Where was the declaration of independence signed?

On the bottom of the page.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three dwarves are sitting around having a few drinks

Dwarf #1 says:

Sometimes I get bummed out being a dwarf. But at least it is good for something. The other day I was flipping through the Guinness Book of World Records, and I found out that I have the shortest arms in the world.

The other two dwarves don't believe him. So they get a co...

What did the Muslim guy say when his joke made the front page?

EDIT: This blew up.

Source: Am Muslim guy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just join reddit and suddenly discover that my name is on the front page!

Final Final Edit: Titty sprinkles

Why don’t Senators use bookmarks?

They like their pages bent over.

I read a novel about a cult that sacrifices books

It was a real page-burner

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

8621. If this makes it to the front page, odds are it’s someone’s ATM PIN.

Crap.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old farmer is known across the state for his giant pumpkins.

An old farmer is known across the state for his giant pumpkins.

Every year he takes the blue ribbon at the state fair for biggest pumpkin, and every year his town throws a Pumpkin Parade for him where he drives the winner down Main Street in the back of his pickup, the local marching band pla...

I broke up with my European girlfriend because we weren’t on the same page.

I’m 8 1/2 x 11. She’s A4.

It just didn’t feel right. We didn’t fit together.

A Doctor is visiting a patient at an asylum

Doctor: What is this?

Mad man: This is a book i wrote. It has a total of 500 pages.

Doctor: You wrote 500 pages! Wow, what did you write?

Mad man: On the first page i wrote 'One king rode on a horse and went towards the jungle'.

And on the last page i wrote 'The king reac...

While scrolling through the front page of Reddit, I came across the most annoying thread ever.

It was coming out of my favourite sweater that I was wearing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mate said he can tighten up nuts and bolts with his butt.

Personally I think he torques out of his arse

Edit: Silver, Gold, Platinum, and got to the front page.

Thankyou everyone!

Do you know what's on pages 5 and 6 of an Opel manual?

Bus and train schedules.

The scariest book of all time!! [LONG]

There once lived an author named Mr. Troller. He was infamous as the writer of the scariest book ever. Only three people ever bought his book and after reading his book , all the three guys passed away . The reason nobody bought his book was because it was damn expensive ($150,000) and nobody wanted...

A guy dies and is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter...

... and St. Peter tells him, “Hang on a sec… getting into Heaven isn’t a big deal… I just need to find a good deed you've done in your life… and you’re in.”

And with that, St. Peter starts leafing through this guy’s Book of Life. It’s a thick book, but he’s not finding anything. He gets to th...

I set my Alzheimer's-patient grandmother's home page to r/jokes

She loves reading the fresh new jokes every day!

My stoner friend rolled a joint using a page from my agenda notebook.

He is high on my list of priorities.

Yesterday i finally found love!!

It was on page 469 in the dictionary!

Brad and Mike are two old reti

Brad and Mike are two old retired widowers who reside close to each other and do constant welfare checks on each other. Much of their relationship is based on pragmatism rather than real friendship or personal affection.
One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, Mike opens the morning paper and t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A married couple

A married couple was lying in bed one night.

The wife switched off the lights, and curled up under the sheets, ready to go to sleep, just as the husband turned his bed lamp on to read a book.

As he started to read, he periodically reached over to his wife and fondled her pussy. He di...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.