UPJOKE
booklettenderattendantpaperbookplatecolumnarticlecopywebtextblogwebsitephotosheadlinedocument

A r/Jokes front page post walks into a bar...

The bartender says, "Have I seen you before?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Gf says I can get anal on my cake day if this post reaches front page

Please upvote because I want to rearrange the whole house furnitures to make them perfectly symmetric from every angle

I finally bought the limited edition Thesaurus that I've always wanted, but when I opened it, all the pages were blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

A man in Moscow goes up to a newsstand and buys a newspaper…

He then glances at the front page, then turns aside and tosses the whole newspaper straight into the trash.

Next day, he turns up, and does the same thing. Buys it, glances at the front page, throws it in the trash.

Next day, same thing. The newsstand worker is increasingly puzzled, bu...

What's the difference between a car's rear bumper and a Facebook page?

One is a terrible place to express complex political opinion, and the other protects the rear of a car by absorbing shock in the event of an accident.

Word is Hollywood executives are mad about Elliot Page transitioning from a woman to a man...

Now they'll have to pay him 20% more...

Me to HR: Your careers page says the company offers "competitive salary". What does that mean exactly?

HR: That means your salary will be competing with your bills.

The New Secretary

The CEO of a large company was in need of a secretary. He spread ads all over town. A few days later, there was a knock on his door. It was a dog. He had a newspaper in his mouth. He opened it to the classifieds page and pointed to the ad that the CEO had placed. The CEO was impressed. But he though...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Having too much sex can cause memory loss.

I read it on page 14 in a medical journal on the 14th November 2019 at 3.19pm

My 89yr old grandma told me an old cold war joke

A Muscovite goes to a newsstand every day and buys a paper. He reads the front page, and then throws it away in the nearest bin, day after day.

The guy running the newsstand notices this, and curiosity finally compels him to ask, "Why do you buy a paper each day when you never even open it a...

An old joke from my childhood that is sadly relevant again.

**Bert and Ernie had worked together as radio hosts for twenty years.**

They traded jokes, played pop music and generally made people's lives a touch brighter as they trundled to work.

In one of the breaks they received a Fax. Ernie picked up the page and was in shock. Ernie silentl...

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud toward him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefu...

I just found the worst page in the entire dictionary.

What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest and disingenuous.

I just memorized six pages of the dictionary...

I learned next to nothing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've read that excessive sex causes memory loss:

It was in the British Medical Journal in May last year, page 12, paragraph 3. A nice sunny day I was reading in the park ...

Redditors are very environmentally aware

More than half the content on the front page is recycled

Have you noticed, if you Google the phrase "Lost Medieval Servant Boy. "

It comes back with, "This page could not be found."

How did he guess?

A shepherd was tending his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a dust cloud approached at high speed, out of which emerged a shiny silver BMW. The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Ferragamo shoes, Cartier sunglasses and a tightly knotted power tie, poked his head out the window and asked t...

Good news! I am about to publish a Reddit Jokes Book with all the different jokes ever posted on this page!

I'm just waiting for the first publisher to agree on publishing a book with only 4 pages.

Five friends were so confident about passing the finals that on the weekend, they decided to go for a picnic. They had a great time.

However, after all the partying, they spent all Sunday sleeping and didn't make it back to college until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the finals then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him, why they missed it.

They said that they had gone ...

Bad eye sight (Possibly a repost but I didn't want to keep scrolling past page 30276 to confirm)

Patient: “doctor i think my eye sight is deteriorating. I cant see very far”


Doctor: “really? come over to the window. Now what is that big round yellow thing in the sky?”


Patient: “well that's the sun”


Doctor: “yep! so how much further do you want to see”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was reading Cosmo next to her husband…

“Walter,” she said.

Walter grunted; she continued “Let me read you this hot sex tip I just read in Cosmo. I think we should try it.”

“Girls, you know your boy toy has fun with you in the bedroom, and that he’s never going to complain. But even the hunkiest hunk can get tired of the...

While my wife was in labor, I read her the front page from /r/Jokes to distract her from the pain, but she didn’t seem amused...

It must have been the delivery...

My older brother always tore the last pages of my comic books, and never told me why.

I had to draw my own conclusions.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Wow, this is interesting." I said to the wife, as I scanned the web page...

"It says here that although less than half a dozen giant squid have ever been seen alive, scientists believe there may be over five hundred million of them in our oceans."

"Why the fuck are you telling me this?" She snapped. "You're supposed to be looking up some cool tattoo designs for my ar...

Old Russian man buys a newspaper.

He looks at the front page, and tosses it away. The next day, he buys a newspaper, looks at the front page, then tosses it away. The 3rd day in a row, he buys a newspaper looks at the front page, and again, tosses it away. This time the newspaper stand attendant asks him why he tossed the newspaper ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the li...

An Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a pub...

The Scotsman shouts out "drinks for everyone in the house, all night, on me! Drink your hearts out boys!" The pub erupts with cheers and everyone has a great drunken night.

The next morning, the front page of the newspaper headline read: "Irish ventriloquist found beaten to death behind loca...

I just got a joke book whose entire gimmick is the fact that you can rip the pages out and hand it to people.

Its a book of tear-able puns.

A man was really struggling so he decides to open a Bible to random page and drop his finger on a verse and do whatever it says.

The verse his finger landed on was Matthew 27:5 “than Judas hanged himself”

The man thought “that’s not right, let me try again” and does the same thing, this time landing on Luke 10:37 “Jesus told him ‘go and do likewise’”

Again the man thought it wasn’t right and so he did it one l...

The front page is filled with memes in reference to that guy being dragged off of a plane. I can't remember the last time the entire reddit user base was so...

... United.

Do you think they would write a book about Ellen Page's transformation into Elliot?

They really should.

It would be a real Page-turner

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Male or Female non-living objects... You might not know this, but a lot of non-living things are remarkably similar to men and women.

**FREEZER BAGS**: These are male because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

**PHOTOCOPIERS:** These are female, because once turned off, it takes

**TIRES**: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated

**HOT AIR BALLOONS**: Al...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

facts

did you know that having too much sex could cause memory loss ?

i remember reading that on the 23 of november 2001 at 9:1:02 am page 36 line 9/11

it wasn't a sunny day in fact it was very cloudy

very...cloudy....

A married couple is lying in bed one night....

The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special bits. He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book. The wife gradual...

A man finds a full grown gorilla in a tree.

Man comes home from work to find a big ole gorilla in a tree in his front yard. Thinking he's gonna need some help with this, he looks up gorilla removal services in the yellow pages. He finds Dave and Rosco's full time gorilla removal and calls them up.

Dave says he and Rosco will rush right...

I heard Reddit likes puns so I posted ten of them thinking at least one would reach the first page

No pun in ten did

After a long day, I come home to see that someone tore the front and back pages of my dictionary.

It just went from bad to worse.

Reddit has gone fully green to help the environment

Their front page is made up of fully recycled material.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and his wife are on their bed one night

Their marriage has been on the rocks lately, and the wife blames it on the newfound piousness of the husband. Even now, she's trying to sleep early for work tomorrow but the man still has the lamp on; reading his bible in silence.

She didn't mind it at first, but then her husband started losi...

Husband asks Wife to make coffee

Newlyweds wake up one morning on their honeymoon and the man suggests: “Darling, why don’t you brew us some coffee?” Wife looks confused, “But that's your task, honey.” woman says “What? Why?”man asks. “It’s all over the Bible, dear.” woman replies “The Bible says nothing about who’s supposed to b...

A man is admitted to the hospital with an unknown, highly contagious disease.

Unable to figure out what it is, the doctors quarantine him until they can figure out what it.

At meal time, the man receives a piece of naan bread under the door. He thought that was strange, but nonetheless at it, as he was quite hungry.

At supper, a waffle is slid under the door. Ag...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I came home one day to my wife ripping pages out of "Moby Dick" in the living room. "Why are you doing that?" I asked.

She replied, "Well, to make a long story short."

A man walked into a copy shop, and requested that they print a book for him with pages 30 feet long and 1 foot wide.

Printer: "Why do you need pages that long?"

Man: "Well, it's a long story."

What do you call a Rick Astley song that makes it to the front page?

A rick r/all

I don’t see what’s so hard about getting on the front page around here...

Everybody loves cake

The Boston Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth.

In the piece, there’s about a 20 min long passage during which the double basses have nothing to do. Rather than sit around the whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick drink. After slamming several beers in quick succession (...

In honor of the other math joke I saw on the front page

A mountain climber is climbing a mountain from the bottom along it’s only path. A mosquito starts at the top and follows the path downwards. Where do the two meet?

Nowhere. You can’t cross a scalar and a vector.

At the local Hospital

Doctor, “What is this?"

Me “This is a book that I’ve written, it’s got 500 pages."

Doctor, “You wrote 500 pages. What did you write about then?” Me, On the first page I wrote “One day a King rode on a Horse and went towards the Jungle.

And on the last page I wrote The King reac...

A boy selling newspapers on the street

Keeps walking around the streets with newspapers while waving one around and shouting: Mass fraud! Mass fraud! One hundred people have been fooled! Mass fraud! One hundred people have been fooled!

One guy quickly runs to the boy and buys a newspaper. as soon as he has it in his hand he starts...

I found the meaning of life.

It’s on page 937 in the dictionary between the words lie and lifeboat.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Onenight a married couple are laying in bed.

The wife is under the blanket ready to sleep. Her husband reaches over to take a book from on top of the nightstand. As he reads he keeps moving his hand between his wifes legs, touching her private parts. She wonders if he wants to have sex, so she gets up and starts to take her clothing off. Her h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I set up an internet page for Chinese Nazis.

So far it's got 3 Reichs on Facebook.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife says that she will have butt sex if this hits the front page by the morning.

Please don't upvote she is on a business trip until tuesday.

What's the punishment for gluing together the pages of a biography?

Multiple back-to-back life sentences.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There’s something very weird about this pet shop…

Joe loved his dog. Only one problem - his dog wasn’t housebroken. Joe tried everything, read every dog training book, bought every device on the market. But the dog was untrainable. Finally, he saw an ad for a pet shop that guaranteed results. Desperate, he gave it a try.

The pet shop was ve...

I’m tearing out pages of the dictionary.

I’m up to Mischief.

I made a website for orphans.

Unfortunately it doesn't have a home page.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just join reddit and suddenly discover that my name is on the front page!

Final Final Edit: Titty sprinkles

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Growing up, if I wanted to see woman's underwear in the Sears catalog, I did it at a buddy's house

because my asshole brother kept gluing the pages togeather in ours.

The cute secretary came angrily out of the boss' cabin. Her friend asked her what had happened inside.

Secretary: He asked me if I was free tonight.
Friend: And?
Secretary: I said yes......and that rascal gave me 50 pages to type!

What do you call an internet page dedicated to anime?

A weebsite.

If I ripped out the first 100 pages of my dictionary, will I then be able to look up well, but and actually?

Well yes, but, actually no

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know that too much sex can cause memory loss?

I read it in one book on page 37, on the 8th line, it was 16:23, Monday, January 4, 2016.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man in Alberta wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof.

So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough..there's an ad for "Alberta Bear Removers."
He calls the number and the man says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean heavily scarred old pi...

A television crew comes to the farm to make an interview with the shephard about his daily routine.

"Our viewers would like to know what a regular day here on the countryside looks like. Can you start right from the beginning?" Asks the reporter.

"Oh, yeah sure." starts the shephard, "So first I wake up, but I really don't wanna so I take a sip of my brandy to start off my day. Then I have ...

There's a web page out there about my dad and I tried to find it but you know what it said?

(Web Page Not Found)

If you ever want to hide something...

Put it on the second page of Google

If you dont see a repost on the front page of r/jokes

It means it's your turn

"I wish..."

"I wish I was rich.", I said while throwing a coin into a wishing well.

Reading the newspaper the next day, the front page headline was:

"Rare coin worth millions found in well"

Richard, a good friend of mine, insisted that it's now impossible to get a "repost" to the front page of /r/jokes...

"Every joke ever written has been posted to Reddit and there is nothing left to joke about." Said Richard and he even suggesting many of you would agree.

"Put your money down on the table, I bet I can get a "repost" to the front page!" I replied with a sense of regret as I soon as I said tho...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Unexpectedly, an artist's wife starts having sex with him every day.

Though quite unusual, he didn't question his luck, deciding to just enjoy the ride.

One day, his wife approached him. "Honey? Can you sketch a picture for me?"

"Of course!" he replied. "What should I draw?"

"What you think our baby will look like."

He stared back at her,...

What did the Muslim guy say when his joke made the front page?

EDIT: This blew up.

Source: Am Muslim guy.

Those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

LMFAO! I found a page of one liners my gramma wrote in her last days. Figured I'd post a few of them occasionally. Hopefully you guys find them as I do!

How do you buy the front page of the internet?

Using your reddit card

Preferated pages are terrible

Tearable*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

8621. If this makes it to the front page, odds are it’s someone’s ATM PIN.

Crap.

I had no freaking idea!

I visited a local news website this morning and saw a picture of a good friend of mine on the front page with a title above saying, "A 34-year-old mechanic arrested for dealing drugs". I really thought I knew the guy, but I guess I was wrong. I mean, I've been a loyal customer of his for almost 7 ye...

After I ran out of toilet paper, a friend suggested using pages from an old book

That worked OK I guess, but now I'm looking for suggestions to clean a Kindle.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer was out by his barn, repairing a fence.

A young hen came near him, pecking at the ground. He was surprised when he thought he heard a “psst”. The farm looked around and saw no one, so he continued his work.

Then he heard it, clear as day. “Hey. Down here.”

The farmer looked down and saw the hen looking at him.

“Did y...

My stoner friend rolled a joint using a page from my agenda notebook.

He is high on my list of priorities.

A woman takes her kid to the walk-in clinic.

They're in the waiting room, and the kid gets bored. He starts to flip the pages of a magazine.

A friendly stranger notices, and says to the woman, "Looks like you've got a little bookworm."

"No," she replies, "pinworms."

"I am currently reading my autobiography," I told my friend.

"What page are you on?" he asked. I said, "All of them."

I finished a big book the other day. 421 pages.

That's a lot of coloring when you think about it.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.