UPJOKE
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Page Jokes

Every day in Moscow, people buy newspaper, glance at front page, throw straight in trash.

Every day, same. People buy newspaper, look front, throw in trash.

Newspaper seller ask one day, "Why you do that? Why you not read inside newspaper?"

Man respond, "I check obituary"

"But obituary not on front page. Is on back page"

"Putin obituary be on front page"
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Word is Hollywood executives are mad about Elliot Page transitioning from a woman to a man...

Now they'll have to pay him 20% more...
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My Gf says I can get anal on my cake day if this post reaches front page

Please upvote because I want to rearrange the whole house furnitures to make them perfectly symmetric from every angle

I just read through six pages in a dictionary.

I learnt next to nothing.
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Just found the absolute worst page in the dictionary

What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest and disingenuous.
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I just bought a thesaurus and when I got it home, all the pages were blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I am.
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My older brother always tore the last pages of my comic books, and never told me why.

I had to draw my own conclusions.
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I heard Reddit likes puns so I posted ten of them thinking at least one would reach the first page

No pun in ten did
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The front page is filled with memes in reference to that guy being dragged off of a plane. I can't remember the last time the entire reddit user base was so...

... United.
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I just join reddit and suddenly discover that my name is on the front page!

Final Final Edit: Titty sprinkles

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I started a Chinese-Nazi Facebook page

so far its got three reichs

Me to HR: Your careers page says the company offers "competitive salary". What does that mean exactly?

HR: That means your salary will be competing with your bills.
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A man writes a story in parts amongst different pages. He starts to lose some of the pages for the Rise of the story; then he starts to lose some of the pages for the Climax of the story…

He’s starting to lose the plot.
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The doctor flipped the pages, and sat down next to me.

“The results just came back and I’m afraid to tell you, but… you have 6 months.”

I got up and punched him right in his stupid mouth.

Now I have 4-5 years.
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Did you see the update to the sperm whale Wikipedia page?

[Cetacean needed]
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A man in Moscow goes up to a newsstand and buys a newspaper…

He then glances at the front page, then turns aside and tosses the whole newspaper straight into the trash.

Next day, he turns up, and does the same thing. Buys it, glances at the front page, throws it in the trash.

Next day, same thing. The newsstand worker is increasingly puzzled, bu...
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My OnlyFans page hasn't been very lucrative

I'm going to have to start a MostlyFans page to increase my clientele.
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A r/Jokes front page post walks into a bar...

The bartender says, "Have I seen you before?"
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I set up a Facebook page for Chinese nazis

It has 3 reichs

Do you think they would write a book about Ellen Page's transformation into Elliot?

They really should.

It would be a real Page-turner
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My professor made me write a 30 page essay on differentiates an integer from a decimal...

I said that there's no point
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A lady of advanced age required the services of a page-boy ...

... and advertised: "Youth wanted."

One of her dearest friends sent her by the next post a bottle of Blank's celebrated wrinkle filler, a skin tightener, a pot of fairy bloom, a set of false teeth, and a flaxen wig.



Source: "Empress Express" Newspaper, June 20, 1913, Empress, A...
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My wife says that she will have butt sex if this hits the front page by the morning.

Please don't upvote she is on a business trip until tuesday.

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How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many redittors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers ...

What do you call an internet page dedicated to anime?

A weebsite.
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I've read that excessive sex causes memory loss:

It was in the British Medical Journal in May last year, page 12, paragraph 3. A nice sunny day I was reading in the park ...

I’m tearing out pages of the dictionary.

I’m up to Mischief.
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A newlywed couple lay in bed one morning husband says: "How about you go brew us some coffee?"

Wife: "That's your job."

Hasband: "Says who?"

Wife : "The bible, it's on just about every page."

Husband: "The bible don't say anything about brewing coffee."
Wife (Holding her Bible flipping pages): "See every page Hebrews, Hebrews, hebrews."
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What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church

The other day my friend was telling me i didnt know what irony meant

Which was ironic since we were at a bus stop

Edit: thanks for silver gold and front page, it means alot
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I took a few pages from Moby Dick and boiled them to see what it tasted like.

It was just okay, but I might not do it again. It was a novel tea.

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My mate said he can tighten up nuts and bolts with his butt.

Personally I think he torques out of his arse

Edit: Silver, Gold, Platinum, and got to the front page.

Thankyou everyone!

Why do real estate agents put their picture on business cards, Facebook pages, web sites, billboards, bus stops, postcards, vehicle wraps, yard signs, and printed ads?

So you’ll know what they looked like 10 years ago.
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A Joke my kid told me

A guy goes to buy a notebook at the stationery shop. He finds a good one wrapped in plastic for $10, so he takes it up to the counter. The cashier rings it up, but tells the guy no matter what, not to look at the last page. The guy thinks it’s an odd thing to say, but pays the $10 and takes the note...
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I'm assuming that none of the Jenners ask Kylie to make breakfast.

Since she can't even beat an egg

Edit:
Whoa, front page, im ashamed. Thank you kind stranger for the silver oh, you made my day!
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Preferated pages are terrible

Tearable*
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The front page of Reddit

Made up of 100% recyclable material.
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I like my porn just how I like my search history

Disabled.

How do you know a joke isn't a repost?

When it doesn't reach the front page.
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A mexican magician told the audience he'll disappear on the count of three. He said "Uno, dos" *POOF*

He disappeared without a tres.



**edit Front page??? Thats Punbelieveable!
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I’m pleased to announce reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world.

The front page is now made up of over 90% recycled content.
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Prison may be just one word

But to others, it's a whole sentence
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While my wife was in labor, I read her the front page from /r/Jokes to distract her from the pain, but she didn’t seem amused...

It must have been the delivery...
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My girlfriend is a pornstar

She will kill me if she finds out.

What do you call a waffle on a California beach?

A Sandy Eggo.
- Compliments of my cousin's 6 year old daughter (She says "Hi" by the way).

-EDIT: Wow, this blew up a lot more than I thought it would. My first gold and my first post to make it to the front page. You are too kind, Reddit.
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My blind girlfriend said my dick was big

But I think she was pulling my leg.

UPDATE: Thank you all for getting me on the popular page!

I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday

Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.

**Edit:** Did not expect this joke to take off. Made it to the front page for a little while.

**Edit 2:** Thank you for the gold kind stranger.
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A 300 page novel with a 50 page introductory essay written by the author walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, "Why the long preface?"
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There was a blackout in my neighborhood last night.

The police told us to stay in our houses until they'd shot him
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My ex wife died so I went to the cemetery and to honor her, I poured a fine, 12 year old bottle of scotch on her grave.

But first I filtered it through my kidneys.

Bad eye sight (Possibly a repost but I didn't want to keep scrolling past page 30276 to confirm)

Patient: “doctor i think my eye sight is deteriorating. I cant see very far”


Doctor: “really? come over to the window. Now what is that big round yellow thing in the sky?”


Patient: “well that's the sun”


Doctor: “yep! so how much further do you want to see”
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