The 123+ Best Case Jokes

A man drives a train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder

So, he’s on death row and the executioner approaches him.

“What would you like for your last meal?”

“I would like a banana please.”

The executioner thinks it’s weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits a while, and gets strapped into the electric c...

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!

Man, that sentence was way too long!

Did Johnny Depp just win the defamation case or was it…

misheard?

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife. "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,...

What do you call a detective who just solves cases accidentally?

Sheer Luck Holmes

A lawyer was working in his office when Satan appeared. "I can make it so you win every case in your career and make huge piles of money. In exchange you will give me your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, your parent's souls, your grandparent's souls and the souls of all your friends!"

The lawyer thought it over for a moment and then asked, "What's the catch?"

I caught a really bad case of the flu in Madrid.

Whilst sniffling and coughing and rolling around in the hotel bed, I realised I needed medical attention, so I called the concierge to get help.

"Oh, so you're sick!" came the reply. "Not a problem, we'll send our very own hotel doctor up to your room right away!"

The doctor strolled i...

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A rapist and a therapist are prime suspects in a case. Who went to jail?

Therapist

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I just failed a fire safety course when they asked what steps I would take in case of an explosion.

Apparently “Fucking large ones” wasn’t an acceptable answer.

Thieves broke into my shop and stole 15 cases of Red Bull

I don't know how these people sleep at night

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A lawyer wins his first truly huge case with a multi-million dollar payoff.

He's flying high. He drives to the office the next Monday in shiny new threads with all of the most expensive trimming, driving the most expensive imported Bentley he can find. Everyone at the office needs to see this, he thinks, so he gets there super early to park right in front of the building,...

A married couple on a tight budget were shopping in a supermarket. The husband picks up a case of beer and places it in their shopping cart...

The wife complained, "Put that back, we only have enough funds for essential items - not luxuries such as beer costing $20."

A little later while walking through the cosmetics aisle, the wife picks up a beauty cream and places it in the cart.

The husband says, "I thought we were on a t...

Johnny repeatedly said he was gonna win the defamation case

Which proves that Amber Heard, but didn’t listen

Brexit's Worst-Case Scenario:

Brexit to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovlong. Latervia. Byegium.. until EU reach the state of Germlonely.

My employer asked me who to contact in case of an emergency...

I said "an ambulance". This place is run by idiots. I'm sure I'll be in charge soon.

The strange case of albinism

An American anthropologist has been studying a tribe in Africa by living with them for a year.

One day, the chief called him into the chief's hut.

The chief sighed. "Well, my friend, it seems that we must ask you to leave." The anthropologist was surprised by this; he thought he had ...

Say what you want about the whole Alex Baldwin case, but I stand behind him.

Because there's no way in hell I'm going to stand in front of him.

Why are redneck murder cases the hardest to solve?

Because all the DNA matches and there are no dental records.

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A medical school graduate starts her residency in a hospital for unusual cases

On her first day, she’s getting a tour of the facility by her supervisor while she takes notes.

They make their way to a room with a man who is masturbating ferociously. The med school grad asks her supervisor, “What disease does this man have?”

“Oh, it’s a very rare disease in whi...

In case you don't know Yoda's last name

It is LAYHEEHOO

Is it possible to make a case for the camel?

weAlreadyDid.

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The case of the missing condoms

A girl I was friends with in high school called me crying today. She had a question she needed to ask a guy friend. She said her boyfriend had just bought a box of a dozen condoms and now there are only six left, but they only had sex three times. When confronted her boyfriend said that sometimes...

The curious case of Sherlock Holmes

We all know the most brilliant detective of all Sherlock Holmes.

Well one day a lady came to his office inquiring him about something quite unusual.

She asked him this, "If you're the greatest detective of all then can you tell which color panties am I wearing today?"

Sherlock h...

My mother-in-law has a massive case of diarrhea.

She won't find out until she unpacks her luggage.

Why did Johnny Depp lose his court case?

Because he didn't have Heard immunity

They keep calling the Johnny Depp/Amber Heard trial “defamation case”…

I think there’s a typo there.

My roommate is a yoga teacher and she’s stopped paying me rent. I told her that in that case she needs to leave and she just said:

“Nah I’mma stay”

A case study has found trampolines are involved in half of all ER admissions for under-14's.

The authors said the problem is tumbling out of control.

The door-to-door magazine salesman lugged around a 50-lb. sample case all day.

He had a lot of back issues.

The Case Of The Industrial Fire

The industrial fire had been raging for a few hours and no one was able to stop it. Someone called all the fire stations in the nearby towns, and almost all of them were there within minutes. Despite managing to contain the fire by forming a circle around it, the center was still going strong, with ...

Always carry a whiskey flask in case of a snake bite.

With that in mind, always carry a small snake. ~ W.C. Fields

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West Virginia is the last US state without a confirmed case of COVID-19.

Not because they don’t have it, but because they can’t figure out how to read the tests.

Do Russians only write in lower case letters?

I mean, they hate Capitalism.

"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully,"

the divorce court judge said, " and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week. ". "That's very fair, your honour," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself. "

What was the court case between an immigrant and a priest called?

Alien v. Predator.

The devil appears before a lawyer and promises to ensure that he wins every case he takes for the rest of his life.

Lawyer says: “It’s always about a deal right? What’s in it for you?” Devil says: “I want your soul, your wife’s, your son’s, and the souls of any more children you have in the future.” Lawyer pauses, thinks for a moment, and responds: “But what’s the catch?”

What do you do in case of fallout?

Put it back and take shorter strokes

A strange case of flatulence!

A man goes to see his doctor and says
"This is really quite embarrassing doctor."
The doctor says "I have seen everything, what's the problem?"
The man says "well, every time I break wind it comes out of me with the word Honda."
The doctor says "mmm, take your trousers and pants off and...

I once had a nasty case of crabs. A friend suggested I sprinkle caster sugar on them.

It doesn't kill them, but it does rot their teeth.

Do you know what grade sherlock Holmes was in when he solved his first case?

Elementary my dear!

Have you read about the new corduroy pillow cases?

Apparently, they're making headlines all over!

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My favorite Hollywood movie of the recent past is “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button”.

Never gets old.

A Well-Argued Court Case

The beauty of a language and the art of constructing the words of the language significantly lead to their meaning. This is not a case of twisting, but of the refined manner of presentation by witty minds. A good case for reference.

One evening, after attending the theatre, two gentlemen were...

The police chief asked, "Do you have any leads or suspects for the murder case?" The officer responded, "I'd like to interview the bartender wearing high heels and a leopard print dress." The chief frowned and said...

"Please, just wear your police uniform."

Everywhere else in the world, a 30 year old women disappearing is called a missing person's case

In Hollywood it's called dying by old age

When Max went to his violin lessons, he found a gun in his case.

"Oh my god!" he yelped "Now my old man is in the bank with my violin."

My wife has this unusual case of OCD where she arranges dinner plates by the year they were bought.

It is a very rare dish order.

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I keep a case of beer stashed away in my basement, in case of emergencies.

Better safe than sober.

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I was fairly confident that the German prostitute was actually a man, but I hired them anyway in case I was wrong.

I was hoping for the breast but expecting the wurst.

I was going to get a bust of my likeness just in case I become famous in the future and it's worth something.

But I decided I shouldn't get ahead of myself.

I've just written a book on how to fall down a stair case.

It's a step-by-step guide.

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I was called to the witness stand for a criminal case

I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
The attorney asked what I saw on the 5th of april at 2:23 AM, I told her I'd like to fuck her in the ass.

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A police officer gets a new case

A police officer is minding his own business when his partner drops a case on his desk. His partner says,"Leonid, a dance studio is running a drug operation, clear as day, open and shut case".
Leonid has had a long day but is excited because open and shut cases don't happen often around thi...

My wife came home with four cases of beer, three boxes of wine, two bottles of whiskey and two loaves of bread.

"Are we expecting guests?" I asked.

"No," she replied.

"Then why did you buy so much bread?"

A man is up in court on a tricky litigation case, and his lawyer has warned him that the judge is very strict and correct. “He won’t stand for any nonsense and he knows all the tricks!”

“Well, would it help if I sent him a brace of grouse and a bottle of whisky?”

“Absolutely not!” says the lawyer. “He’s as straight as a die and completely in-corruptable!”

Come the day of the trial, the man wins his case easily, and afterwards says to his lawyer, “I knew that whisky an...

TIL it’s not “worst case Ontario”

Apparently the correct spelling is “Manitoba”

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John, Paul and Frank go to heaven (flagging it NSFW just in case)

When they arrive at the gate, St. Peter checks the list and tells them a bit about heaven: "It's a great place. The fountains are full of the best wine, we have the best food that appears when you think of it. Your housing will be the most beautiful and luxurious villa you couldn't even dream of on ...

A New Case

The Mother Superior of a convent calls a special meeting of all the sisters to make a very important announcement. The nuns all gather together, whispering about what it could be. As the Mother Superior walks up front, a hush comes over the gathering.

"I have to tell you that we now have a c...

What do you call a Murder suicide case?

Round 2

I can successfully predict the winners of every divorce case. Here is the list:

The lawyers.

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What do you call a German dictator with a really bad case of diarrhea?

Shitler.

Why are there no Covid-19 cases in Antarctica?

Because the people there are ice-o-lated

Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.

It was a brief case.

A week after my wife went missing, the police told me that I should expect the worst case scenario.

So I went back to the charity shop and retrieved all her old clothes.

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I had a bad case of hemorrhoids, so I went to my doctor.

He said, "Wow, this is bad. I've seen some weird assholes in my career but this takes the cake." I replied, "Could you at least wait until I drop my pants?"

What do you call a case of premature burial?

A grave mistake.

Did you hear about the case of the schizophrenic ventriloquist?

Everyone \*around\* him heard voices.

A judge is hearing a child abuse case...

The mother was found guilty and the judge had decided that the boy would go to live with his estranged father.

But the boy quietly quivered 'Please don't'

'Why not?' The judge asked.

'Because he beats me too.'

'Oh my dear boy. Do you want t...

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Last night John Travolta was hospitalised for a suspected case of Covid-19

But his doctors have now confirmed it was only Saturday night fever and they assure everyone that he’s staying alive.

Apparently he had chills that were multiplying.

Dementia cases are on the rise

Plus, dementia cases are on the rise.

I don't have tags for my dog, but I bought her a phone in case she got lost. She ran away today.

I really should collar.

Also, Lost: Seeing Eye Dog

Last Seen: Never

Charging $500 for a $5 case of water is considered price gouging. What is charging $500 for a $5 bag of saline called?

Healthcare.

Police officers report a case to their headquater on the phone

- Hey chief, we found 30 kilograms of cocaine in here, what should we do with it?

- Woah you found 20 kilograms of cocaine, that's nice.

- No chief, we found 10 kilograms only.

- No weed? Call me again if you find something.

In case of a zombie outbreak, quickly hide inside the nearest Walmart

Nobody has teeth there so you are safe from bites

I was carrying my ukulele in its case at school and my friend asked, "You play an instrument?".

I replied, "Yeah, I play a little guitar."

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I ordered a silver cigarette case for my wife online, but when it arrived, someone had engraved the word CUNT on the back of it. I was absolutely livid.

I'd asked for it on the front.

A good case for shoes

What's the difference between a linen store, and a nudist with diarrhea?
One has fitted sheets...

In case you ever have a urine test.

The answer is urine comes from kidneys.

What did the foot fetishist say to the case of mistaken identity?

Oh dear we seem to have got off on the wrong foot

Have you seen the documentary from 2010 about the Pixar movie display case?

It holds Up.

Did you hear about the case of the missing toilet?

It's still unsolved because the police have nothing to go on.

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A man walks into an optometrist's office carrying a violin case

"I'd like to see the optometrist, please," he says to the receptionist.

"I can certainly help you with that," says the receptionist. "What's the reason for your visit?"

Proudly, the man places the violin case on the desk, and opens it. Inside - unbent, unbroken, and filling the case fr...

Guy goes into the hospital with a bad case of gangrene on his foot ...

... doctor says “we’re going to need to amputate this foot immediately before it spreads”.

He goes through surgery and as he wakes up from his slumber the doctor says “well sir, I have some good news and bad news, what do you want first?”

“I’ll take the bad news first”

“Okay, ...

A lawyer died and was so big they almost had to bury him in a piano case.

Instead they gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.

My teacher told us not to use the elevator in case of a fire.

"Of course," I replied, rolling my eyes. "We'll use the fire extinguisher."

"I really don't think you have a case, sir," said the detective as my wife washed her hair and cried from the bathroom.

"How can you say that?!" I demanded. "That hairstylist is a monster!"

"Look, sir, I can't just go around arresting every barber that gives a bad haircut." He glanced at his notes. "Even if he made her 'look like Captain Kirk.'"

"I never said he made her look like Captain Kirk!" I barke...

I let my boss know I wouldn't be in because I had a case of Corona.

Technically I wasn't lying because I did drink like 10 of the 12.

For Halloween I was going to dress up as the rising Covid cases

But that doesn’t seem to scare anyone

A friend of mine likes to argue the case for walking around with his genitals exposed.

I don't agree but I can see where he's coming from.

Someone lied about their phone case being stolen

Nevertheless, a detective was hired to solve this phoney case.

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In case of any apocalyptic scenarios, scientists want to store the DNA of millions of species of animals and plants in lava tubes of the moon

The DNA of any illicit substances will be kept in Uranus

Custody Case

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother gets up and says to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judg...

What would you call an extreme case of gonorrhea?

Thunderclap

Over 100 Coronavirus cases have been reported on the British Navy's flagship HMS Queen Elizabeth.

Other ships in the fleet have been told to keep their distance as it's a carrier.

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I was having a bad case of diarrhoea so I called in sick to work. However, my plea was rejected

Apparently having a lot of shit to deal with isn't a valid excuse.

Wow, my ex must have a severe case of the coronavirus.

I just got a notice from a judge saying to stay at least 50 feet away from her!

My mother-in-law has a massive case of diarrhea....

She probably won’t find out until she gets home and starts unpacking.

I like to keep a gun in my nightstand drawer just in case someone breaks in

That way I can shoot myself to avoid social interaction

People warned me not to get a tattoo of anyone's name, in case I stopped loving that person after a week, month, year, etc.

Does anyone know of a really good tattoo removal service where can get my kid's name completely erased?

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When your wife opts to describe your sex life to her friends as ‘like Michael Jackson wrote those lyrics just for us’, what is your very worst case scenario?

‘Beat it, Speed Demon. Leave me alone.’

A guy is sworn in as a witness in a court case. Before the attorneys start to question him, he gets the attention of the judge.

Witness: Excuse me your Honor, but could you tell me what time it is?

Judge (looking at his watch): It's 10:30 a.m.

Witness: Thank you. I have no further questions.

What's similar between the squareroot of -1 and the number of confirmed cases in China

They are both not real numbers

Sean Connerys wife was killed last year after his book case tipped over on her. In an interview, an extremely guilt ridden Sean Connery said:

I only have my shelf to blame.

Why did the communist spell his name without an upper-case letter?

Because he hated capitalism

I cured a terrible case of nail biting.

I told him to become a plumber, he did and now he never bits his fingernails.

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What do you call a constipated detective that solves cases with obvious details?

No shit sherlock.

My girlfriend said we should each pick a "hall pass", just in case we ever met that person.

I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor.

Have you heard about the lawyer that lost the mesothelioma case?!

He tried asbestos he could

A probable case of human trafficking...

A flight attendant on a flight sees a suspicious looking couple on board. So she immediately reports it to the captain.
 

*"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking!"*
 

*"There is a very pretty and graceful female passenger on board who seems rich. She ...

Breaking News in North Korea: 11.47PM - 1 active Covid case detected !

Update at 11.48PM - 0 active Covid cases

A guy walks into a liquor store and ask for a case of Heineken.

The gal behind the counter replies, "Sorry. We're out of Heineken."

The guy shrugs his shoulders and says, "Fine. Make it Rolling Rock."

The woman replies, "Sorry, but the only cold beer we have in stock is Budweiser."

The man says, "Nope. No way. Last time I drank a case of Bud...

Initially the US was way behind other countries in COVID-19 cases.

Little did those countries know, the US had a Trump card.

A man n northern Manitoba survived a bear attack using only a .22 pistol he had in case of emergencies

His friend that he shot in the knee was not as lucky

I wear a stethoscope, so that in the case of a medical emergency,

I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.

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Did you hear that Japan sent the US a case of Viagra on November 3?

They heard the US was having problems with its erection.

When the hospital asks who is to be notified in case of emergency

I always write, “A very good doctor”

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Did you hear about the guy who was on trial for masturbating to obscure court cases?

He got off on a technicality.

In his job, my dad's never lost a case.

That makes him Heathrow's top baggage handler.

I always keep a loaded gun on my night stand in case there’s an intruder

That way, I can shoot myself to avoid meeting new people.

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It's English class and a female teacher asks students to give her example of a sentence which contains "just in a case" in it.

The first student raises his hand and responds:

\- "There is no ongoing war, but we still keep the army, just in case"

\- "Excellent! Anybody else?" - asks the teacher.

\- "There is no fire but we still keep the fireman, just in case" - answers the other student.

Vova rai...

Did you hear about Quasimodo solving the murder case ?

apparently he had a hunch.

Positive Corona cases are way down in Texas over the last few days...

It requires power to perform the test.

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I probably didn't help my case when I went to court for child molestation charges today, when the judge asked how 6-10 years sounded?

Sexy, I replied.

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