I always keep a gun on my night stand in case of an intruder

so I can shoot myself instead of meeting new people

I caught a really bad case of the flu in Madrid.

Whilst sniffling and coughing and rolling around in the hotel bed, I realised I needed medical attention, so I called the concierge to get help.

"Oh, so you're sick!" came the reply. "Not a problem, we'll send our very own hotel doctor up to your room right away!"

The doctor strolled i...

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I just failed a fire safety course when they asked what steps I would take in case of an explosion.

Apparently “Fucking large ones” wasn’t an acceptable answer.

IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years...

...but they're having a really hard time putting their case together.

In case any of you were wondering how the guy who had his entire left side cut off is...

He's alright now.

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In that case the wife needs to apologize...

A woman gets home and finds the husband, in bed, with another woman, 25 years old, pretty, nice curves... She was mad, and she did everything to show it, but the husband interrupts her:

 

-You should first listen to how this all happened... I found this young lady in the stree...

The signs always say, “Break glass in case of emergency,” but when I had an emergency and broke the glass, my neighbor yelled at me.

Apparently, it was “highly inappropriate” to throw my drink to the floor, and I “could’ve just asked where the bathroom is.”

"Mother Superior! Mother Superior! We've discovered a case of syphilis in the convent!"

"Oh good, I was getting tired of the chardonnay."

A man is walking through the woods...

when he come across a suitcase. Inside the suitcase he finds a fox and her cubs. He dials animal control to report his discovery.

The woman on the other end exclaims, "That's horrible... are they moving?

The man responds, "I don't know but that would explain the suitcase"

A man's horse was suffering from a terrible case of hemorrhoids.

After careful evaluation, the vet tells him it's the worst case he's seen in years.

The doctor then prescribes a super potent powder that is to be applied to the area, with a caveat that the powder causes severe skin irritation on humans, so the best way to apply the powder, explains the doc...

My wife has this unusual case of OCD where she arranges dinner plates by the year they were bought.

It is a very rare dish order.

Open and shut case

A cop stopped a speeding car, approached the driver's window and said, "Can I have your license and registration, please?"
The driver said, " I don't have a license. I've never even took driving theory."
The officer asked: " Can I have the car registration?"
"it's not my car, I stole it" an...

I asked the TSA how often they find suspicious items in luggage

they said it's case by case

- You will have to be strong, sir. The results indicate that you have a very strong case of Roberts’s disease.

- oh, my. is it bad?
- we still don’t know, mr. Roberts.

A husband and wife were grocery shopping when the husband picked up a case of Budweiser and placed it in the cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asked the wife.

"It's on sale. Only $10 for a case," he replies.

"We can't afford it. Put it back," demands the wife. They continue shopping
and a few minutes later the wife puts a $20 jar of face cream into the cart.

"What do you think you'r...

After their post case hookup; why did the lawyer never call his client back?

It was more of a hit it and acquit it situation

Why doesn't the Russian alphabet have upper case letters?

Because they're anti-capitalists.

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On a flight back from Russia, a flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the captain immediately. “Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking!"

She continues, "There is a very pretty and quiet female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat, sweaty, old slob who looks like a sexual deviant!”

The captain responds, “You must be new here. This is Air Force One.”

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Two police detectives are discussing a serial killer's case

The rookie detective Bob is reading the case files for a serial killer whose MO includes cutting out the tongues and amputating the legs of all his victims. Curious, he asks the senior detective Joe about this serial killer.

"Oh yeah, we've been trying to catch this guy for about 10 years now...

As a lawyer i work on a huge pile of cases every day

I can't afford a real desk.

Some of the worst case scenarios:

1. A case falling on me from an overhead compartment.
2. Someone stealing my case.
3. Realising I've picked up someone else's case by mistake.
4. Not remembering the combination to the lock on my case.
5. Being required to carry a heavy case for a very long distance.

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I saw the Curious Case of Benjamin Button again last night....

Never gets old :/

A man filed a report to the police that his bag was stolen.

Upon leaving the man's apartment, the officer found the man's bag at the bottom of the stairwell.

It was a brief case.

What is justice Brett Kavanaugh’s first case?

Coors Light

Did you hear about the detective who dropped his tablet while pondering the case?

It's fine, he had only scratched the Surface.

Charging $500 for a $5 case of water is considered price gouging. What is charging $500 for a $5 bag of saline called?

Healthcare.

I was carrying my ukulele in its case at school and my friend asked, "You play an instrument?".

I replied, "Yeah, I play a little guitar."

I told my wife I can’t find the matching decorative pillow case...

She said it’s a sham.

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Sex without a condom is like a phone without a case

Not as safe but it just feels so good.

Case of water - $3.99

Case of Apples - $20.99

Case of Oranges - $25.99

Bag of chips - $2.50

Cigarettes - $8.99

Box of candles - $4.50

Frozen pizzas - $6.50



Asking for a quote of these items - Price List

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Officer Harris just closed up a gruesome case.

He was tasked with the disappearance of two autistic teenagers who had run away from their uptight parents because they’d formed an incestuous relationship that they knew wouldn’t be tolerated.


When Officer Harris enquired around the area they were last seen, he was informed that they had...

Why does Stalin only write in lower case?

Because he hates capitalism

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you hear about the first robot sexual harassment case?

Yeah, it was R2Me2...

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I understand many men avoid female urologists because they fear the embarrassment in case they get a boner.

But (whispering) wouldn't this be even more embarrassing with a male one?

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The body of an homosexual, existentialist fugitive was found in a motel 2 years after the case went cold.

Across an entire wall the words "How do they know" were scrawled, surrounded by places and names connected by bits of string.
The police investigated this, but they couldn't decipher it beyond the ravings of a madman.

The body was found in front of a computer after people at the motel repo...

Library has a CASE on their hands...

My local library has been attempting to stop a random series of book destruction. Apparently someone is tearing up the pages in all of the books in the donation bin. The librarians aren't sure what to do though...

​

...They don't negotiate with Tearrorists.

We talked about the different cases in my German class...

I didn't think that there were that many types of cheese

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I worked for the Samaritans for many years, and I often dealt with many desperate cases, on the verge of suicide.

I must have been brilliant at it, as none of the fuckers ever rang back.

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Why was the Water's sexual assault case against the Oil thrown out of court?

All of the physical evidence was immiscible.

My mother-in-law once went on holiday with a massive case of diarrhoea.

She only found out when she opened her suitcase.

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A guy walks into a bar carrying a guitar case....

He makes his way up to the front of the bar, sits his guitar case down, and stands on top of a bar stool.

After getting everyone's attention, he states, "I am the absolute toughest man in this bar, and I will bet $2,000 to any man that proves me wrong."

Several people walk up to hi...

Have you seen the hype about these cordroy pillow cases...

They're making headlines everywhere

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Bad case of stutters

A man had a bad case of stuttering. He went to many doctors over the
years, but none of them could help him. Finally one doctor said to
him "I believe I found the reason for your stuttering".

The man asked, "Wha.. wha.. wha..what is my pro.. pro.. problem."

The doctor replied, "Y...

"Your case is quite complicated."

Patient: Why doctor? What happened?

Doc: You have a disease from the chapter I skipped during my studies.

I showed the damaged remains of my luggage to my lawyer and said "I want to sue the airline"..

"You don't have much of a case", he replied

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I think I got a case of anal glaucoma

I can't see my ass going in to work tomorrow

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A guy at a golf course meets another guy with a big silver case......

..curious, he asks his new friend what’s in there.
“I’m a high end assassin, this is my rifle, I charge £5,000 per bullet”
“Wow can I see?”
So the assassin hands the guy the super powerful scope and says “see what you think”
As he looks through the scope he sees his house “wow this is g...

Why should communism always be lower case?

So that it’s not capitalized

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Mickey Mouse stood before the judge waiting for the verdict on his divorce case.

“Mickey Mouse, I cannot grant you a divorce. Although you claim she is crazy, the court has found Minnie Mouse to be mentally competent,” proclaimed the judge.

“But your Honor," he said, "I didn't say Minnie was crazy. I said she was fucking Goofy!"

I lost a court case against a well known fabric softener company.

Yes, I fought Lenor and Lenor won

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What did the Alabama cop say about the black man shot 16 times?

Worst case of suicide I've ever seen.

In a case of an extreme survival situation, you can drink your own urine.

Fortunately, the Reddit servers were back up before I could fill the can.

A woman lost a court case...

and was fined for bringing her own popcorn, coke and candy to a movie theater. Overall, she still saved a considerable amount of money.

Chuck Norris once had the case of the kidney stones

Now they are known as the infinity stones

How can you tell you have a really bad case of acne?

It’s when the blind try to read your face.

Sergeant: ‘Are we any closer to solving the case of the missing dog-walker?’

Detective: ‘Well I’ve got a lead but nothing else has turned up’

After a long two-week criminal trial in a high profile bank robbery case,

the jury finally ended its 14 hours of deliberations and entered the courtroom to deliver its verdict to the judge. The judge turns to the jury foreman and asks, "Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?" "Yes, your honor," the foreman responded. "Would you please pass it to me," the judge decla...

What do you call a case of premature burial?

A grave mistake.

My friend had a severe case of hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia...

We had no idea how we should break it to him.

You should always bring two pairs of pants golfing.

Just in case you get a hole in one.

A man is walking through the grocery store, and puts a case of beer in his cart

His wife says: “you don’t need that. Put that back.”
The husband says: “Yes, dear,” and puts the case of beer back on the shelf.
Later, the wife picks up a container from the cosmetics aisle and puts it in the cart.
“What is this?” The husband asks.
“It’s face cream. I wear it so I can l...

I tried to sue the airport for losing my luggage.

I lost my case.

Custody Case

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother gets up and says to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge ...

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I just saw the rapper Shaggy perform at the Super Bowl pre-game concert. In case you're wondering who invited him...

It wasn't me.

Skripal case

In the Skripal case, I am for a symmetrical answer: let the British poison two of their betrayers in the center of Moscow and calm down.

A man lost his luggage so he took the airline company to court

Apparently he lost his case

Lawyer son of lawyer father says "father, i finally finished the case you worked on for 60 years!"

father: "WTF did you do!? that case fed our family!"

Brexit's Worst-Case Scenario:

Brexit to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovlong. Latervia. Byegium.. until EU reach the state of Germlonely.

I told my doctor I had a case of Macho Madness. He asked, “Really?” I said

#OH YEAH!!!!

I figured out the zodiac killer case

It was cancer.

An oregano farmer recently lost a high profile court case and was ordered to pay 20 million dollars. However the spices industry had been on a steady decline so he didn’t have that kind of money on hand.

Needless to say his wages were garnished

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Why aren't the police making any neo-nazi arrests in murder cases?

There's no dental records and all the DNA matches

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Back in 1920's...

...Mrs. Goldstein decided to leave NY for a vacation in Miami Beach. She decided to make a reservation at the Fountainebleu hotel (which at the time, infamously would not rent rooms to Jews or other minorities)

She got to the front desk and signs her name in the ledger. The clerk looks at her...

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Worst case of cultural appropriation.

Today I saw the worst case of cultural appropriation ever. A white man knelt down and committed seppuku. What a dick. Hope he dies.