I've just written a book on how to fall down a stair case.

It's a step-by-step guide.

In case of Taco emergency...

Dial 9 Juan Juan.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I probably didn't help my case when I went to court for child molestation charges today, when the judge asked how 6-10 years sounded?

Sexy, I replied.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I want to live my next life backwards

You start out dead and get that out of the way.

Then you wake up in an old age home feeling and start feeling better every day.

Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.

Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.

Then when you start work, you get a gold watch ...

I always keep a gun on my night stand in case of an intruder

so I can shoot myself instead of meeting new people

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I just failed a fire safety course when they asked what steps I would take in case of an explosion.

Apparently “Fucking large ones” wasn’t an acceptable answer.

Why was Pythagoras not considered a suspect in murder case?

No knew what his angle was.

In case of overpopulation, where in the world would be the most vacant?

My birthday party

IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years...

...but they're having a really hard time putting their case together.

I caught a really bad case of the flu in Madrid.

Whilst sniffling and coughing and rolling around in the hotel bed, I realised I needed medical attention, so I called the concierge to get help.

"Oh, so you're sick!" came the reply. "Not a problem, we'll send our very own hotel doctor up to your room right away!"

The doctor strolled i...

Two officers receive a call about a man who attempted to steal a brief case, but immediately felt remorse and abandoned the area. The officers arrive on the scene to investigate.

“Open and shut case Johnson”

A man grabs a case of beer off the store shelf...

His wife stops him and asks "What do you think you're doing?" The man responds "It's a 24 pack on sale for $10. That's a great deal." His wife tells him they can't afford it and to put it back. A little while later the wife grabs a $20 jar of skin cream off the shelf. The man stops her and asks "Wha...

Have you heard about these new corduroy pillow cases?

They're really making headlines!

I work as a mortician, and recently had a case of an unidentified murder victim who was killed in a bakery

I had to mark him down as a Jon dough.in the file.

My wife has this unusual case of OCD where she arranges dinner plates by the year they were bought.

It is a very rare dish order.

Sherlock Holmes and Watson are camped in the woods while investigating a case.

They go to sleep. Several hours later, Holmes wakes Watson. He says, "Watson, look up and tell me what you see."

Watson says, "Well, I see thousands of stars."

"And what does that tell you?"

"Well, I think it means that we'll have another nice day tomorrow. How about you?"
<...

I was carrying my ukulele around in its case and my friend asked, "You play an instrument?"

I replied, "Yeah, I play a little guitar."

In case any of you were wondering how the guy who had his entire left side cut off is...

He's alright now.

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Watson and Holmes are on a unusual case

London has been struck by what the locals refer to as a mad pooper. His victims are found dead with fecal matter spread on their corpses. Everyone’s on edge, when another victim is found.
Watson and Holmes are summoned to the scene, and after a few minutes, Watson exclaims to his partner, “you’r...

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In that case the wife needs to apologize...

A woman gets home and finds the husband, in bed, with another woman, 25 years old, pretty, nice curves... She was mad, and she did everything to show it, but the husband interrupts her:

&nbsp;

-You should first listen to how this all happened... I found this young lady in the stree...

Open and shut case

A cop stopped a speeding car, approached the driver's window and said, "Can I have your license and registration, please?"
The driver said, " I don't have a license. I've never even took driving theory."
The officer asked: " Can I have the car registration?"
"it's not my car, I stole it" an...

When it's sunny, I think, beer garden! When it rains, I usually go to the bar for a while. When it's snowing, I like to sit in front of the TV with a case of beer.

I'm starting to think I have a problem with the weather…

My dad always told me to always check my pants pockets before I put them in the washer, in case there was some money.

Because if you leave it there, you could be arrested for laundering money.

The signs always say, “Break glass in case of emergency,” but when I had an emergency and broke the glass, my neighbor yelled at me.

Apparently, it was “highly inappropriate” to throw my drink to the floor, and I “could’ve just asked where the bathroom is.”

A man's horse was suffering from a terrible case of hemorrhoids.

After careful evaluation, the vet tells him it's the worst case he's seen in years.

The doctor then prescribes a super potent powder that is to be applied to the area, with a caveat that the powder causes severe skin irritation on humans, so the best way to apply the powder, explains the doc...

A man is walking through the woods...

when he come across a suitcase. Inside the suitcase he finds a fox and her cubs. He dials animal control to report his discovery.

The woman on the other end exclaims, "That's horrible... are they moving?

The man responds, "I don't know but that would explain the suitcase"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two police detectives are discussing a serial killer's case

The rookie detective Bob is reading the case files for a serial killer whose MO includes cutting out the tongues and amputating the legs of all his victims. Curious, he asks the senior detective Joe about this serial killer.

"Oh yeah, we've been trying to catch this guy for about 10 years now...

A man filed a report to the police that his bag was stolen.

Upon leaving the man's apartment, the officer found the man's bag at the bottom of the stairwell.

It was a brief case.

Charging $500 for a $5 case of water is considered price gouging. What is charging $500 for a $5 bag of saline called?

Healthcare.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

On a flight back from Russia, a flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the captain immediately. “Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking!"

She continues, "There is a very pretty and quiet female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat, sweaty, old slob who looks like a sexual deviant!”

The captain responds, “You must be new here. This is Air Force One.”

I asked the TSA how often they find suspicious items in luggage

they said it's case by case

As a lawyer i work on a huge pile of cases every day

I can't afford a real desk.

After their post case hookup; why did the lawyer never call his client back?

It was more of a hit it and acquit it situation

Why doesn't the Russian alphabet have upper case letters?

Because they're anti-capitalists.

Some of the worst case scenarios:

1. A case falling on me from an overhead compartment.
2. Someone stealing my case.
3. Realising I've picked up someone else's case by mistake.
4. Not remembering the combination to the lock on my case.
5. Being required to carry a heavy case for a very long distance.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I saw the Curious Case of Benjamin Button again last night....

Never gets old :/

What is justice Brett Kavanaugh’s first case?

Coors Light

A teacher at a law school made a bet with a student that the student would pay him money once he wins his first case.

The teacher then immediately sued him for failure to pay.

Did you hear about the detective who dropped his tablet while pondering the case?

It's fine, he had only scratched the Surface.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I understand many men avoid female urologists because they fear the embarrassment in case they get a boner.

But (whispering) wouldn't this be even more embarrassing with a male one?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Sex without a condom is like a phone without a case

Not as safe but it just feels so good.

Case of water - $3.99

Case of Apples - $20.99

Case of Oranges - $25.99

Bag of chips - $2.50

Cigarettes - $8.99

Box of candles - $4.50

Frozen pizzas - $6.50



Asking for a quote of these items - Price List

Why does Stalin only write in lower case?

Because he hates capitalism

My mother-in-law once went on holiday with a massive case of diarrhoea.

She only found out when she opened her suitcase.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The body of an homosexual, existentialist fugitive was found in a motel 2 years after the case went cold.

Across an entire wall the words "How do they know" were scrawled, surrounded by places and names connected by bits of string.
The police investigated this, but they couldn't decipher it beyond the ravings of a madman.

The body was found in front of a computer after people at the motel repo...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar carrying a guitar case....

He makes his way up to the front of the bar, sits his guitar case down, and stands on top of a bar stool.

After getting everyone's attention, he states, "I am the absolute toughest man in this bar, and I will bet $2,000 to any man that proves me wrong."

Several people walk up to hi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you hear about the first robot sexual harassment case?

Yeah, it was R2Me2...

I told my wife I can’t find the matching decorative pillow case...

She said it’s a sham.

Library has a CASE on their hands...

My local library has been attempting to stop a random series of book destruction. Apparently someone is tearing up the pages in all of the books in the donation bin. The librarians aren't sure what to do though...

&#x200B;

...They don't negotiate with Tearrorists.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why was the Water's sexual assault case against the Oil thrown out of court?

All of the physical evidence was immiscible.

We talked about the different cases in my German class...

I didn't think that there were that many types of cheese

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Bad case of stutters

A man had a bad case of stuttering. He went to many doctors over the
years, but none of them could help him. Finally one doctor said to
him "I believe I found the reason for your stuttering".

The man asked, "Wha.. wha.. wha..what is my pro.. pro.. problem."

The doctor replied, "Y...

My neighbors tried to have me charged with disturbing the peace, claiming I incessantly sing Culture Club at all hours of the night. The judge threw out the case of course, so I guess you could say that,

I'm a man, without conviction.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Mickey Mouse stood before the judge waiting for the verdict on his divorce case.

“Mickey Mouse, I cannot grant you a divorce. Although you claim she is crazy, the court has found Minnie Mouse to be mentally competent,” proclaimed the judge.

“But your Honor," he said, "I didn't say Minnie was crazy. I said she was fucking Goofy!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I worked for the Samaritans for many years, and I often dealt with many desperate cases, on the verge of suicide.

I must have been brilliant at it, as none of the fuckers ever rang back.

I showed the damaged remains of my luggage to my lawyer and said "I want to sue the airline"..

"You don't have much of a case", he replied

"Your case is quite complicated."

Patient: Why doctor? What happened?

Doc: You have a disease from the chapter I skipped during my studies.

Pun enters a room, kills 10 people

Pun in, 10 dead


This was in r/Karmacourt; case was thrown out

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy at a golf course meets another guy with a big silver case......

..curious, he asks his new friend what’s in there.
“I’m a high end assassin, this is my rifle, I charge £5,000 per bullet”
“Wow can I see?”
So the assassin hands the guy the super powerful scope and says “see what you think”
As he looks through the scope he sees his house “wow this is g...

Why should communism always be lower case?

So that it’s not capitalized

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I think I got a case of anal glaucoma

I can't see my ass going in to work tomorrow

An electrical engineer is wrongly accused of a crime.

His name is Myto and he swears he did not kill anybody. However, all the evidence points to him. Of course, he gets 25 years in prison.

When he gets to prison, he meets his bunkmate, Big Joel. Now, contrary to what you may think, Big Joel was not a rapist. In fact, he was the nicest man Myto...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A nun is in the bath

Shes hears a knock on the door and a man says "can i come in".

"who are you?" she asks nervously.

"Im the blind man" he replies.

"Oh well in that case come in" she says relieved.

The man walks in.

"Nice tits" he says "Now where shall I hang these blinds?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What did the Alabama cop say about the black man shot 16 times?

Worst case of suicide I've ever seen.

Sergeant: ‘Are we any closer to solving the case of the missing dog-walker?’

Detective: ‘Well I’ve got a lead but nothing else has turned up’

I tried to sue the airport for losing my luggage.

I lost my case.

A woman lost a court case...

and was fined for bringing her own popcorn, coke and candy to a movie theater. Overall, she still saved a considerable amount of money.

Brexit's Worst-Case Scenario:

Brexit to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovlong. Latervia. Byegium.. until EU reach the state of Germlonely.

An antivaxer has a heart attack. He's rushed to ER, but during the emergency surgery, his heart stops, rendering him clinically dead.

Before he knows it, he's face to face with none other than God himself, Author of the Universe, Maker of All. God smiles beatifically and says, “Don't worry. The doctors working on you are good; you'll be back in no time. But as long as you're here, do you have any questions you'd like to ask?”
<...

In a case of an extreme survival situation, you can drink your own urine.

Fortunately, the Reddit servers were back up before I could fill the can.

Chuck Norris once had the case of the kidney stones

Now they are known as the infinity stones

What do you call a case of premature burial?

A grave mistake.

You should always bring two pairs of pants golfing.

Just in case you get a hole in one.