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Case Jokes

Did Johnny Depp just win the defamation case or was it…

misheard?

A man drives a train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder

So, he’s on death row and the executioner approaches him.

“What would you like for your last meal?”

“I would like a banana please.”

The executioner thinks it’s weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits a while, and gets strapped into the electric c...

What do you call a detective who just solves cases accidentally?

Sheer Luck Holmes

Brexit's Worst-Case Scenario:

Brexit to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovlong. Latervia. Byegium.. until EU reach the state of Germlonely.

I caught a really bad case of the flu in Madrid.

Whilst sniffling and coughing and rolling around in the hotel bed, I realised I needed medical attention, so I called the concierge to get help.

"Oh, so you're sick!" came the reply. "Not a problem, we'll send our very own hotel doctor up to your room right away!"

The doctor strolled i...

Thieves broke into my shop and stole 15 cases of Red Bull

I don't know how these people sleep at night

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A rapist and a therapist are prime suspects in a case. Who went to jail?

Therapist

The strange case of albinism

An American anthropologist has been studying a tribe in Africa by living with them for a year.

One day, the chief called him into the chief's hut.

The chief sighed. "Well, my friend, it seems that we must ask you to leave." The anthropologist was surprised by this; he thought he had ...

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The case of the missing condoms

A girl I was friends with in high school called me crying today. She had a question she needed to ask a guy friend. She said her boyfriend had just bought a box of a dozen condoms and now there are only six left, but they only had sex three times. When confronted her boyfriend said that sometimes...

The curious case of Sherlock Holmes

We all know the most brilliant detective of all Sherlock Holmes.

Well one day a lady came to his office inquiring him about something quite unusual.

She asked him this, "If you're the greatest detective of all then can you tell which color panties am I wearing today?"

Sherlock h...

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!

Man, that sentence was way too long!

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I just failed a fire safety course when they asked what steps I would take in case of an explosion.

Apparently “Fucking large ones” wasn’t an acceptable answer.

My employer asked me who to contact in case of an emergency...

I said "an ambulance". This place is run by idiots. I'm sure I'll be in charge soon.

Why are redneck murder cases the hardest to solve?

Because all the DNA matches and there are no dental records.

In case you don't know Yoda's last name

It is LAYHEEHOO

Say what you want about the whole Alex Baldwin case, but I stand behind him.

Because there's no way in hell I'm going to stand in front of him.

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A medical school graduate starts her residency in a hospital for unusual cases

On her first day, she’s getting a tour of the facility by her supervisor while she takes notes.

They make their way to a room with a man who is masturbating ferociously. The med school grad asks her supervisor, “What disease does this man have?”

“Oh, it’s a very rare disease in whi...

A husband and wife were grocery shopping when the husband picked up a case of Budweiser and placed it in the cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asked the wife.

"It's on sale. Only $10 for a case," he replies.

"We can't afford it. Put it back," demands the wife. They continue shopping
and a few minutes later the wife puts a $20 jar of face cream into the cart.

"What do you think you'r...

The Case Of The Industrial Fire

The industrial fire had been raging for a few hours and no one was able to stop it. Someone called all the fire stations in the nearby towns, and almost all of them were there within minutes. Despite managing to contain the fire by forming a circle around it, the center was still going strong, with ...

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A lawyer wins his first truly huge case with a multi-million dollar payoff.

He's flying high. He drives to the office the next Monday in shiny new threads with all of the most expensive trimming, driving the most expensive imported Bentley he can find. Everyone at the office needs to see this, he thinks, so he gets there super early to park right in front of the building,...

My mother-in-law has a massive case of diarrhea.

She won't find out until she unpacks her luggage.

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I keep a case of beer stashed away in my basement, in case of emergencies.

Better safe than sober.

Why did Johnny Depp lose his court case?

Because he didn't have Heard immunity

Johnny repeatedly said he was gonna win the defamation case

Which proves that Amber Heard, but didn’t listen

They keep calling the Johnny Depp/Amber Heard trial “defamation case”…

I think there’s a typo there.

Have you read about the new corduroy pillow cases?

Apparently, they're making headlines all over!

Is it possible to make a case for the camel?

weAlreadyDid.

A Well-Argued Court Case

The beauty of a language and the art of constructing the words of the language significantly lead to their meaning. This is not a case of twisting, but of the refined manner of presentation by witty minds. A good case for reference.

One evening, after attending the theatre, two gentlemen were...

Do Russians only write in lower case letters?

I mean, they hate Capitalism.

Always carry a whiskey flask in case of a snake bite.

With that in mind, always carry a small snake. ~ W.C. Fields

"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully,"

the divorce court judge said, " and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week. ". "That's very fair, your honour," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself. "

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West Virginia is the last US state without a confirmed case of COVID-19.

Not because they don’t have it, but because they can’t figure out how to read the tests.

A strange case of flatulence!

A man goes to see his doctor and says
"This is really quite embarrassing doctor."
The doctor says "I have seen everything, what's the problem?"
The man says "well, every time I break wind it comes out of me with the word Honda."
The doctor says "mmm, take your trousers and pants off and...

A New Case

The Mother Superior of a convent calls a special meeting of all the sisters to make a very important announcement. The nuns all gather together, whispering about what it could be. As the Mother Superior walks up front, a hush comes over the gathering.

"I have to tell you that we now have a c...

What do you do in case of fallout?

Put it back and take shorter strokes

What was the court case between an immigrant and a priest called?

Alien v. Predator.

TIL it’s not “worst case Ontario”

Apparently the correct spelling is “Manitoba”

The door-to-door magazine salesman lugged around a 50-lb. sample case all day.

He had a lot of back issues.

Custody Case

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother gets up and says to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judg...

I live with a basket case

It's quite helpful when you have a basket you don't want to break.

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A police officer gets a new case

A police officer is minding his own business when his partner drops a case on his desk. His partner says,"Leonid, a dance studio is running a drug operation, clear as day, open and shut case".
Leonid has had a long day but is excited because open and shut cases don't happen often around thi...

Dementia cases are on the rise

Plus, dementia cases are on the rise.

Do you know what grade sherlock Holmes was in when he solved his first case?

Elementary my dear!

Why could no one solve the case when the world’s largest ruby was stolen?

It was too big of a corundum for anyone to handle

A good case for shoes

What's the difference between a linen store, and a nudist with diarrhea?
One has fitted sheets...

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My favorite Hollywood movie of the recent past is “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button”.

Never gets old.

I've just written a book on how to fall down a stair case.

It's a step-by-step guide.

When Max went to his violin lessons, he found a gun in his case.

"Oh my god!" he yelped "Now my old man is in the bank with my violin."

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Sir Arthur and the case of brief case identity

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, creator of the fictional detective Sherlock Holmes, purportedly told of a time when he climbed into a taxi cab in Paris..!
.
Before he could utter a word, the driver turned to him and asked,
.
"Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?"

Doyle was flabbergasted.....

A judge is hearing a child abuse case...

The mother was found guilty and the judge had decided that the boy would go to live with his estranged father.



But the boy quietly quivered 'Please don't'



'Why not?' The judge asked.



'Because he beats me too.'



'Oh my dear boy. Do you want t...

What do you call a case of premature burial?

A grave mistake.

Student: Can I borrow a pencil?

**Teacher:** I don't know, can you borrow a pencil?

**Student:** Aha, but I clearly meant to ask for permission. Since you and the rest of the class understood my intent perfectly well, and the word "may" to show permission is rapidly falling out of fashion, there is nothing wrong with asking...

What do you call a Murder suicide case?

Round 2

A lawyer was working in his office when Satan appeared. "I can make it so you win every case in your career and make huge piles of money. In exchange you will give me your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, your parent's souls, your grandparent's souls and the souls of all your friends!"

The lawyer thought it over for a moment and then asked, "What's the catch?"

I once had a nasty case of crabs. A friend suggested I sprinkle caster sugar on them.

It doesn't kill them, but it does rot their teeth.

A case study has found trampolines are involved in half of all ER admissions for under-14's.

The authors said the problem is tumbling out of control.

Why are there no Covid-19 cases in Antarctica?

Because the people there are ice-o-lated

Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.

It was a brief case.

Court Case

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.

She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man b...

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I was called to the witness stand for a criminal case

I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
The attorney asked what I saw on the 5th of april at 2:23 AM, I told her I'd like to fuck her in the ass.

Everywhere else in the world, a 30 year old women disappearing is called a missing person's case

In Hollywood it's called dying by old age

In case you ever have a urine test.

The answer is urine comes from kidneys.

Did you hear about the case of the schizophrenic ventriloquist?

Everyone \*around\* him heard voices.

My wife has this unusual case of OCD where she arranges dinner plates by the year they were bought.

It is a very rare dish order.

A probable case of human trafficking...

A flight attendant on a flight sees a suspicious looking couple on board. So she immediately reports it to the captain.
 

*"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking!"*
 

*"There is a very pretty and graceful female passenger on board who seems rich. She ...

Serious Case

A Doctor was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang.

The doctor calmly answered it, and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.

"We have already opened an aged 18 year ol...

Tomorrow’s date will be 11/11

Unless you’re from the UK, in which case it’ll be 11/11

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John, Paul and Frank go to heaven (flagging it NSFW just in case)

When they arrive at the gate, St. Peter checks the list and tells them a bit about heaven: "It's a great place. The fountains are full of the best wine, we have the best food that appears when you think of it. Your housing will be the most beautiful and luxurious villa you couldn't even dream of on ...

A married couple on a tight budget were shopping in a supermarket. The husband picks up a case of beer and places it in their shopping cart...

The wife complained, "Put that back, we only have enough funds for essential items - not luxuries such as beer costing $20."

A little later while walking through the cosmetics aisle, the wife picks up a beauty cream and places it in the cart.

The husband says, "I thought we were on a t...

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What do you call a German dictator with a really bad case of diarrhea?

Shitler.

A case of shingles

A good ole boy by the name of Bubba walked into a Doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.

Bubba said, "Shingles."

So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and as...

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I had a bad case of hemorrhoids, so I went to my doctor.

He said, "Wow, this is bad. I've seen some weird assholes in my career but this takes the cake." I replied, "Could you at least wait until I drop my pants?"

Police officers report a case to their headquater on the phone

- Hey chief, we found 30 kilograms of cocaine in here, what should we do with it?

- Woah you found 20 kilograms of cocaine, that's nice.

- No chief, we found 10 kilograms only.

- No weed? Call me again if you find something.

Open and shut case

A cop stopped a speeding car, approached the driver's window and said, "Can I have your license and registration, please?"
The driver said, " I don't have a license. I've never even took driving theory."
The officer asked: " Can I have the car registration?"
"it's not my car, I stole it" an...

What would you call an extreme case of gonorrhea?

Thunderclap

Did you hear about the case of the missing toilet?

It's still unsolved because the police have nothing to go on.

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A man walks into an optometrist's office carrying a violin case

"I'd like to see the optometrist, please," he says to the receptionist.

"I can certainly help you with that," says the receptionist. "What's the reason for your visit?"

Proudly, the man places the violin case on the desk, and opens it. Inside - unbent, unbroken, and filling the case fr...

I can successfully predict the winners of every divorce case. Here is the list:

The lawyers.

At the start of every case, lawyers have to take their underwear off.

After that, the debriefing is concluded.

Call me a COVID case

because this joke is tasteless

In case of a zombie outbreak, quickly hide inside the nearest Walmart

Nobody has teeth there so you are safe from bites

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Last night John Travolta was hospitalised for a suspected case of Covid-19

But his doctors have now confirmed it was only Saturday night fever and they assure everyone that he’s staying alive.

Apparently he had chills that were multiplying.

What did the foot fetishist say to the case of mistaken identity?

Oh dear we seem to have got off on the wrong foot

I cured a terrible case of nail biting.

I told him to become a plumber, he did and now he never bits his fingernails.

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The penis case study

The americans made a research on why a man's dickhead was larger than the shaft. After 1 year and $180,000 they concluded that the reason was to give the man pleasure during sex.

The french weren't convinced by the americans study and made their own.After 3 years and $250,000 they concluded t...

Case of water - $3.99

Case of Apples - $20.99

Case of Oranges - $25.99

Bag of chips - $2.50

Cigarettes - $8.99

Box of candles - $4.50

Frozen pizzas - $6.50



Asking for a quote of these items - Price List

My mother-in-law has a massive case of diarrhea....

She probably won’t find out until she gets home and starts unpacking.

the case for the lost bicycle

A Methodist preacher and a Baptist preacher live in a small southern town. Every day, they pass each other on their bycycles as they ride to their respective churches. One day, the Methodist notices the Baptist walking.

He says "Brother, where is your bicycle?"

"My heart is heavy, for ...

The devil appears before a lawyer and promises to ensure that he wins every case he takes for the rest of his life.

Lawyer says: “It’s always about a deal right? What’s in it for you?” Devil says: “I want your soul, your wife’s, your son’s, and the souls of any more children you have in the future.” Lawyer pauses, thinks for a moment, and responds: “But what’s the catch?”

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In that case the wife needs to apologize...

A woman gets home and finds the husband, in bed, with another woman, 25 years old, pretty, nice curves... She was mad, and she did everything to show it, but the husband interrupts her:

 

-You should first listen to how this all happened... I found this young lady in the stree...

Case of a dead jackass

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas.

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.

He then noticed there was a jackass lying de...

"Your case is quite complicated."

Patient: Why doctor? What happened?

Doc: You have a disease from the chapter I skipped during my studies.

Wow, my ex must have a severe case of the coronavirus.

I just got a notice from a judge saying to stay at least 50 feet away from her!

Have you seen the documentary from 2010 about the Pixar movie display case?

It holds Up.

Got a bad case of corona

bottom fell out and every one shattered

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The curious case of the lost washcloth

There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One day the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked, he asked his mother what was the hair in between her legs?

She responded, "It's my washcloth".

Weeks later after the mother had the baby, the young boy walked
in ...

People say its a Case of the Mondays

Tuesday is when you realize it's a preexisting condition

In his job, my dad's never lost a case.

That makes him Heathrow's top baggage handler.

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I was fairly confident that the German prostitute was actually a man, but I hired them anyway in case I was wrong.

I was hoping for the breast but expecting the wurst.

A robber held up a well-dressed man, pointing his gun and yelling, “Give me all your money!”

The man replied, “Don’t you know who I am? I’m a U.S. congressman!”

The robber retorted, “In that case, give me all my money!”

My BDSM community took me to court for not being hardcore enough. I got off with just a slap on the wrist.

So I lost the case.

For Halloween I was going to dress up as the rising Covid cases

But that doesn’t seem to scare anyone

A week after my wife went missing, the police told me that I should expect the worst case scenario.

So I went back to the charity shop and retrieved all her old clothes.

My teacher told us not to use the elevator in case of a fire.

"Of course," I replied, rolling my eyes. "We'll use the fire extinguisher."

Don’t you just hate that situation when you’re picking up your bags at the airport, and everyone’s luggage is better than yours.

A worst case scenario.

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Bad case of stutters

A man had a bad case of stuttering. He went to many doctors over the
years, but none of them could help him. Finally one doctor said to
him "I believe I found the reason for your stuttering".

The man asked, "Wha.. wha.. wha..what is my pro.. pro.. problem."

The doctor replied, "Y...

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Confucius say, man who fall over book case...

...gets the sore arse.

My wife came home with four cases of beer, three boxes of wine, two bottles of whiskey and two loaves of bread.

"Are we expecting guests?" I asked.

"No," she replied.

"Then why did you buy so much bread?"

A detective was working on a case ...

..... Because he couldn’t afford a desk.

Did you hear about Quasimodo solving the murder case ?

apparently he had a hunch.

Have you heard about the lawyer that lost the mesothelioma case?!

He tried asbestos he could

Why did the communist spell his name without an upper-case letter?

Because he hated capitalism

Why should communism always be lower case?

So that it’s not capitalized

How did Canada get rid of all their COVID cases?

They sent all the Americans home to their own country.

I was carrying my ukulele in its case at school and my friend asked, "You play an instrument?".

I replied, "Yeah, I play a little guitar."

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