I met Matthew McConaughey and asked him to sign a photo for me. I told him to make sure he didn't write anything on the left side of the picture though.

He said, "Alright, I'll write all right."

Why do narcissists take blurry photos ?

They can only focus on themselves

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Are people born with photographic memories?

Or do they take a while to develop?

Why the fuck are you morons spending real money on Reddit awards? Fucking STOP it. Reddit admins do NOT deserve any kind of money at all. The just banned 200 odd subreddits - and you fucking halfwits want to reward them for it.

Fuck's sake.

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To everyone who received photo of my penis!!!

I've been hacked! So there will be no mailings this and next week, sorry

A woman goes into a pharmacy and asks for cyanide...

A woman goes into a pharmacy and asks for cyanide. The pharmacist is shocked and said “what do you need cyanide for?”

“I plan to poison my husband”, she tells him. “I’m sorry, but there’s absolutely no way I can give you cyanide for that” the pharmacist says angrily.

The woman reaches ...

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A man sits next to another man on the train and pulls out a photo of his wife “isn’t she beautiful?”

Other man: “If you think she’s beautiful you should see my wife”
First man: “Why? Is she a stunner?”
Other man: “No, she’s an ophthalmologist”

My wife emailed me our wedding photos but I couldn’t open any of the files.

I have serious trouble with emotional attachments.

Have you seen a photo of Mount Rushmore before it was carved?

It’s completely unpresidented

The wrong photo went to jail.

It was framed

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Well, I accidentally sent a nude photo of me to everyone in my contacts list

It cost me a small fortune in stamps.

Why can't you email a photo to a Jedi?

because attachments are forbidden

A United States was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a "dear John" letter from his girlfriend.

In the letter she explained she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.

To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him.

So the Marine did what any squared away Marine would do. He went ar...

We had a friend who liked to take photos of himself doing life-risking stunts for fun. We always discouraged him, but one time he got hit by a train at a railway station because of a stunt.

That time, it was painfully clear to us that he had definitely crossed the line.

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A dying mothers final wish

The mother specifically requested pictures of her right foot be sent to an address in Rhode Island.

A couple of days later, her daughter realizes that reversed pictures of her mother's *left* foot were sent instead. Unsure of the importance, but determined to fulfill her wishes, the woman tra...

What is it called when an Orphan takes a selfie ?

Family Photo.

Bob Marley is taking photos one day...

...when suddenly, Cher turns up with a guitar and plays a riff. Bob is impressed and takes a photo. Cher leaves and Bob keeps walking down the road and sees Mr. T in the distance. Mr. T comes running up and says “Bob! Did you see Johnny Depp? He was here, firing a laser at me. Did you get a photo?” ...

I was in the park today when a woman came up to me and said, “Are you taking photos of my daughter on your iPhone?”

“Yes I’m taking photos of her,” I replied, “But it’s not what you think.”

“So what is it then?” she asked.

I said, “Its a OnePlus.”

A couple who work in the circus go to an adoption agency.

Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.
The couple produce photos of their 50 ft motorhome, which is equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers then are doubtful about the education that the child would get.
"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach...

I took photo of my flower.

Now it can photosynthesize.

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Three dwarves are sitting around having a few drinks

Dwarf #1 says:

Sometimes I get bummed out being a dwarf. But at least it is good for something. The other day I was flipping through the Guinness Book of World Records, and I found out that I have the shortest arms in the world.

The other two dwarves don't believe him. So they get a co...

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The Beatles were trying to decide where to take the photo for the Abbey Road album cover...

Nobody could agree.

George mentioned it was his birthday and suggested a day trip to visit their friend dear Prudence.

"We can drive my car," he offered.

"Don't bother me," Ringo agreed.

"But how would we get back after that hard day's night?" John pointed out. "Afte...

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What are two things that you can see in the photo op at St John's church?

One is a glorified tool that is no longer relevant, but still widely used by radical christians to persecute homosexuals, degrade women, prohibit freedom, and rationalize war on non-believers.

The other is the bible.

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An Old Lady Checked Into A Motel on her 70th birthday.

She was a bit lone and thought,

“I’ll call one of those men you see advertised in the brochures for escorts and sensual massages.”

She looked through the phone book, found a full-page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony – a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing i...

Did you know that in the USA you can't take a photo of a man with a prosthetic leg?

You need to use a camera.

Looks like Jane Goodall has blocked my number.

I guess she didn't appreciate me sending her photos of macaque.

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A woman goes to the pharmacist and asks for five kilos of arsenic.

The chemist says, "That's very dangerous, what do you want it for?"
Wife replies, "I'm giving it to my husband. He had an affair"
Chemist says, "Oh no, I could get in a lot of trouble for giving you that"
Wife goes into her purse and pulls out a photo of her husband.....having sex with the ...

Why did the chicken cross the road?







To take a photo in front of a church.

How do you make a group of lawyers smile for a photo?

Just say, fees

How do French people send photos of cats to each other?

They use Snapchat

What's the difference between a sock and a camera?

Dam. You seriously don't know?

Last year, the kids at the beach were all using hashtags in their photos...

This year, they will be using toe tags...

Bakeries often ask me to pose for promotional photos with their products.

Apparently I'm an excellent roll model.

A mother and her son are looking at old photo albums

The son points to a photo and asks:

"Mom, who is this muscular guy with so much hair?"

His mother responds:

"Can't you see that? That is your father."

"Oh..." He pauses "But if he's my father, then who is that fat bald guy that lives here?"

My friend was looking at an old school picture of me and asked "Hey, did you grow a beard?"

No, I shaved my photos.

If I had a dollar for every girl that looked different in real life than she did on her online dating photos...

I still wouldn't have enough money for make-up remover for 1 of them

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Why did the Joker send Harley Quinn A Photo of Robin?

She asked him for a dick pic.

A donkey and a horse met in a bar

After talking for a few minutes they decided to go to the horse's house. When they arrived the donkey noticed that the horse had a lot of trophies and medals all across the walls, he asked him:

"Where did you get all of this things?"

"I am a race horse, I won them", the horse replied.<...

The mothers of two IS fighters were exchanging kids photos..

One mother said, this is my son as a baby, and this is him growing up, him as a teenager and this is him last year as a man, just before he gave himself up for jihadi.

The other mother says, you know- they blow up so quick.

Why did the pig cross the road?

Because the chicken told him to teargas protestors for a photo-op

A photographer was killed in a freak accident today.

When trying to take a group photo, a giant wheel of cheddar rolled over and crushed him.

Witnesses said people did try to warn him.

Panda Express fired me for emailing around photos of bad stir fry...

I guess I should have labelled them Not Safe for Wok...

Why was the photo I took of an artist not good?

It had too much exposure.

A photographer goes to a haunted castle

A photographer goes to a haunted castle determined to get a picture of a ghost on Halloween.

The ghost he encounters turns out to be friendly and poses for a snapshot.

The happy photographer later downloads his photos and finds that the photos are underexposed and completely blank.
...

I asked the secretary for a copy of a floppy disk.

She put it in the photo copier.

The Photographer

>A Los Angeles agent representing a wealthy photographer called and asked to speak to his client. "Brittany, I have some good news and I have some bad news."
>
>The photographer replied, "You know, I've had an awful day, Jack, so let's hear the good news first."
> ...

Why are there so many stock photos of 1790’s France?

Because they’re royalty free

My friend is making a lot of money by selling photos of salmon dressed up in human clothes...

It’s like shooting fish in apparel...

A little boy was walking down a road.

A policeman comes up to him and asks him whether he has seen a thief running away.
The little boy says, "Go along this road, and you will come upon and intersection of four roads.
Go along the fourth road, and you will find four wide alleys.
Go in the fourth alley and you will come acros...

What does a plant do when someone close to his friend dies?

He photo-sympathizes.

My wife always keeps a little photo of me in her bra.

She says she'll show it to people if I ever cheat on her.

A teenage girl gives birth to twins and puts them up for adoption...

She never hears from them again except for the news that one baby was adopted by a Mexican couple, and the other was adopted by a couple from the Middle East.

Years later she hires a private investigator to track down her two adopted children, just so she can find out how their lives have bee...

CDC website: new free online COVID-19 test available

How it works is like this: you visit the site with your phone, you spit on the camera lens and then send them that picture--and just from that photo, they can tell if you're an idiot.

A guy is sitting home alone, when suddenly he hears a knock on the door.

He gets up to answer. There are two policemen outside. They ask him if he's married. He says yes and the policemen want to see the photo of the wife. He gets one and shows it to them.
The policemen exchange sad looks and one of them says:
"I'm very sorry, but it looks like your wife was hi...

Photography at a strip club was a failure

Everyone in the photos was over-exposed

At the Pharmacy

A lady walked into a drug store and told the Pharmacist she needed a bottle of cyanide.

The pharmacist said, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

“So I can poison that no good husband of mine,” she replied in an indignant tone.

The pharmacist’s turned pale as his eyes grew wi...

I know I'm ugly

As I get handed the camera every time they make a group photo.

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I bumped into an old school friend today.



He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.

Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"

I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."

He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"

...

I just had a photo taken with REM...

That’s me in the corner!

I once got in a photo with R.E.M

Yeah, that's me in the corner

One of my family photo dropped under a women's feet while sitting on a bus. When I asked her politely, I was shocked she slapped me.

I asked her, "Could you lift up your leg? I need to take a picture under your skirt".

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Government

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy,...

JFK walks into a photo studio

"I'm here for the headshots..."

Yo mama so fat

The photo I took with her on xmass is still printing

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I want to find out what will make me happy in life, but it's like taking a photo with a shitty camera

Trying to get the big picture but focusing on all the wrong things.

Yo mama so fat

1 photo of her takes more space than your "homework folder"

If you put a photo of yourself in a pendant what does that make you?

Independent

Everyone who is concerned about facial recognition software / loosing your privacy because of photos in the internet...

Just wait until you hear about driver licenses.

Last I remember is taking a photo with my Nokia 3310...

...and then its all blurry

Despite all the dirt, I finally could grab a good photo of that metal milling facility

It was a stainless still!

What did snow white say when she came out of the photo booth?

Some day my prints will come...

After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman’s nightstand by the bed…

He begins to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be re...

Me and my imaginary alphabet friends took a group photo together

When I looked at the picture only I was in it

If you live in Florida, make sure to take a black and white photo of the hurricane this weekend.

I'm not exactly sure why, but I've heard a lot of buzz about a picture of Dorian, grey. People seem pretty wilde about it.

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A doctor joke

(You May only get if you understand the nature of the different medical specialties)

A surgeon, internist, radiologist, and pathologist go duck hunting for the first time.

They are huddled in the duck blind and the first bird goes flying in front of them, but they can’t clearly make o...

In the first photo of a black hole

, scientists will find a large number of headphones, lipstick, umbrella, charging treasure, data cable, single socks, ...

I just got a photo from a speeding camera through the mail.

I sent it right back – way too expensive and really bad quality.

Took down a Tiananmen Square Massacre photo yesterday...

“Censorship bad”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

what a set up, for a dad joke. it's worth it tho

full disclosure, this isn't my joke, was sent to me


I knew a bloke who was a massive fan of tractors his whole life.

When he was a kid, he didn't have toy cars or posters of lambos on his bedroom wall, he had toy tractors and trailers and posters of the latest John Deeres.

...

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I was sat with my girlfriend’s dad as she was getting ready, when the embarrasing photos made an appearance.

“Here she is in the bath, she hates me showing this to anyone”

He just looked at me and said, “ Fuck off out of my house.”

Few people know this, but the man in the famous Tiennaman Square photo was actually run over by a tank. While English-speaking people generally refer to him as the "Tank Man," in Chinese he's known as "Lobster"...

Because he was a crushed Asian.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman decides to go on a photo safari in Africa. She takes her pet dachshund along for company.

One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies, and before long the little dog discovers it’s lost.

Suddenly the dog sees a hungry leopard bounding toward it. The dachshund thinks, I’m in deep trouble now!

But then it notices some bones on the ground and immediately settles down to ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Poor old Jim finds out his wife is cheating with his best friend.

He wants to hire a hitman to put an end to their affair. The private investigator Jim hired recommends a guy who's supposedly the top in the field. Jim only has a few thousand dollars in savings, though, after the lengthy surveillance campaign, and he worries it won't be enough.

"That's okay,...

Nothing like selling an old man your selfies in skin tight outfits, covering strangers with your sticky white goo, and taking compromising photos when they’re vulnerable.

I sure loved the old Spiderman movies.

stolen from comments of r/showerthoughts

What do you call someone down on their luck who does stock photos?

A poor business model.

Everybody talks about how amazing the first black hole photo is

I think it's badly underexposed.

Husband sat in his room throwing darts at his wife's photo but not even a single one hits the Target.

From the lounge wife asks: "What are u doing honey?"

Husband: “MISSING YOU.”

A patient walked in to an office to find their doctor taking inappropriate photos...

"What are you doing, doctor?" The patient asked.



"It's alright, they're just medic pics."

Why did Albert Einsten stick his tongue out in one of his iconic photos?

At the peak of his career he took matters lightly.

I am a huge fan of R.E.M did you see the photo I got with them backstage after their concert,

that’s me in the corner...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A policeman is training three men, Bob, Don, and Rod, to become detectives.

The policeman flashes an image of a suspect at Bob for five seconds, and then asks him, "This is your suspect. How will you catch him?"

Bob replies, "Well, sir, that's easy! He only has one eye!"

The policeman replies, "That's because the photo I showed you is his profile! He doesn't h...

How Moral Are You?

This takes less than one minute and is incredibly accurate…well worth the little bit of effort I promise.

This test has only one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely and completely f...

Your ability to combine photos into a beautiful and evocative display is amazing!

Well, I am a collage graduate.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I like to antagonize my roommate by keeping framed photos of his ex.

They're on shelves throughout the apartment. Hell, there are two in my room! Sometimes I call her when he's in the room. I even invite her to visit.

That's what that bastard gets for having dated my sister.

A husband always carry his wife's photo in his wallet

Wife: You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?

Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

Wife: You see how miraculous and powerful I am to you?

Hubby: Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem ca...

I love taking photos of myself standing next to boiling water.

My doctor says I have selfie steam issues.

I took ten photos of myself in the shower, but hated them all.

Turns out I have selfie-steam issues

A man is on a photo safari in Africa.

He finds an elephant in distress, lying in the bushes. Upon inspection, he finds that the elephant has a large, sharp rock embedded in the bottom of its foot. He carefully pulls the rock free, and the elephant gets up and saunters away.

Almost a decade later he is back in his home town when a...

In my girlfriend's copy of 50 Shades of Grey I found a photo of me with the word "scumbag" written as a caption.

I guess I'm not in her good books.

After a night of passion with his girlfriend, this man notices a photo of a handsome young guy on her bedside table.

“Is he your brother?” the man asks hopefully.

“No,” she answers, kissing his ear.

“Is he one of your friends?” the man asks jealously.

“No, my dear,” she answers, clinging to him.

“But who is he?”

“It’s me... Before the surgery.”

My friend's hobbies include photography and playing in an 80's band. He's a lot like a tree in that way

they both like to photo synthesize

A bunch of Chinese people come to a photographer for passport photos...

The photographer saw the enormous work to guide each of the 50 people and told to himself:

-Well, they all look the same, I will do just one photo and will send a copy to each one. They wouldn't notice.

So, he did it and sent a copy to each one of them. The next day, a Chinese guy com...

I finally figured out why I look so bad in photos.

It's my face.

Donald Trump goes to Africa in safari, but they only show him a photo of some wildebeests.

Fake gnus!

My wife asked me if I am still taking photos of lost places

I said yes and showed her some photos of our bedroom.

After 10 years of marriage I still keep a photo of my wife in my wallet that I can look at for motivation when times get hard.

I think, “If I can survive 10 years of marriage to this I can survive anything.”

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A grandfather and his grandchild leaf through the old family album and find a WW2-era photo

The grandchild asks who the uniformed people on the photo are and the grandfather solemnly says: “It’s the Nazis, kid. They were very, very bad men who murdered a great lot of innocent people, they made war and enslaved other people and they were against any freedom. Very, very bad men.”

The ...

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