UPJOKE
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NSFW On a baking hot day, the Pope steps into the shower to cool down.

He is overcome by the urge to bang one out, and just as he releases the holy seed he sees a flash of reflected sunlight across the street through the open window and realises someone has been taking photos.
Furious, he gets on his shower intercom and demands the Swiss Guard find the photographer ...

The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"

I said, "If you think she's beautiful, you should see my wife!

He said, "Why? Is she super-hot too?

I said, "No, she's an optometrist!"

Hilda and Olga

are models doing a photo-shoot.

The photographer changes lenses for like the tenth time.

Hilda says "Why does he keep changing the lens?"

Olga says "He wants to focus."

Hilda says "Okay but first we must take the photos, Ja?"

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Richard Attenborough showed me a selection of photos of small African antelope penises.

It was Dick's dik-dik dick pic picks.

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud toward him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefu...

a guy goes to a party...

He has fun and goes to the photo booth, and there's no photo line.

Then he goes to the bathroom, and there's no bathroom line

Then he goes to get snacks and there's no snack line

Then he goes to get punch and there's no punch line

A guy sat next to me in the bus today and pulled out a photo of his wife.

He asked me “Ain’t she beautiful?”

I said “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my wife”

He replied with “ Why, is she a stunner as well?”

I said “ No, she’s an optician”


Credit: not mine but i can’t remember where I saw it

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A man sits next to me on the train and pulls out his phone showing me a photo of his girlfriend on his background screen, and said “she’s beautiful isn’t she?”

I go “if you think she’s beautiful, you should see my wife…”

He goes “why, is she a stunner?”

I replied “no, she’s an optician”

Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.

Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.

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What do you call a very unattractive person who hands out naked photos of themselves?

A bearer of bad nudes.

Why don’t dangerous criminals ever take photos of themselves?

Because they pose a threat

Repair

When the office photo-copies began to look faint, the office manager called in a local repair service.

The friendly technician after inspecting the equipment, informed the manager that the machine was in need of a good cleaning.

The tech suggested that someone might try reading the...

Drink and drive

Sign on a billboard with photo of police car.

"You provide the drinks we'll provide the chasers."

What do you call an orphan taking a family photo?

A selfie

A photographer from a well known international magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park.

When the photographer arrived, he realize that the smoke was so thick, it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything at ground level.

He requested permission to hire a plane and take photos from the air.

Arriving at the airport, he saw a plane warming ...

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In her tinder profile she said she's 32 but also that she has the body of a 16 year old.

But when I asked if I could see a photo she said I need to wait till tomorrow as she is naked and doesn't want to go to the freezer in the basement when it's already so late.

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A PR firm is working with a rap artist

They want to clean his image and recover his prestige. No more wild parties, no more driving under influence, no more cheating on his wife. However, it’s difficult to turn a former troublemaker artist into a family man.

“Look, we invested a lot of time and money into this,” says the PR manag...

What's the difference between a digital camera and a sock?

The camera takes photos and the the sock takes five toes.

Whenever I feel depressed, I take out a photo of my wife that I carry with me in my wallet.

If I can survive living with her, I can make it through anything.

I needed to do the laundry, but then I realized I was out of detergent,

so I went to write a shopping list and realized how unorganized the junk drawer was, and started checking pens for ink. When I went to toss all the junk, I saw that the trash was full but before I took it out I wanted to get rid of old food in the fridge. That's when I realized a juice jug had leake...

time to go home

A man enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks.


After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he asks the bartender to prepare another double martini.


After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt po...

My mother was showing my new girlfriend some of my baby photos.

"Oh my goodness, you haven't changed at all!" said my girlfriend.

"Alright mum," I replied, "that's enough of the naked ones."

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I've been giving my friends t shirts with photos of them printed on it for their birthdays.

Half of them think it's hilarious, and half of them tell me how the fuck did I get this picture of them sleeping.

At my cousin's birthday party, I held up a photo of my uncle and said "It's amazing how you look just like your father did at 40!"

That's the last quinceañera I get invited to.

I just got a photo from a speed camera through the mail.

I sent it right back – way too expensive and really bad quality.

What's the difference between Jesus and a photo of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang the photo.

My wife emailed me our wedding photos, but I couldn’t open any of the files.

I always have trouble with emotional attachments.

Was cleaning out our attic today when I found a dusty old Rolling Stone Magazine. One of the articles was about the late great singer Sam Cooke and had a photo of his report card from school.

History ~ Incomplete

Biology ~ Incomplete

Science ~ Incomplete

French ~ Incomplete

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A fisherman catches a golden fish

A fisherman catches a golden fish, and when he was about to put the fish into the net, the fish speaks to him:
- I will fulfill a single wish of yours so please let me go.
- Interesting, let me think a bit.

After few minutes of silence the fisherman continues:
- My country is poor an...

Why can't you email a photo to a Jedi?

because attachments are forbidden

Why was the plant developing photos?

It needed to photosynthesize

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A magician had a residency in Vegas for 50 years.

Apart from being a very good magician specializing in slight of hand and “look over there while I do this over here” type tricks, he was also known for being a womanizer who was exceptionally good at getting women to leave after he was finished with them. Every time he would finish a performance, he...

After I got my school photo taken, I told them I only wanted the one poster sized print developed.

They asked, “Are you sure you wouldn’t be interested in exploring some of the packages with wallet and postcard sizes with multiple...”

I had to cut them off and let them know that, “I’m really just a big picture person.”

I've got a framed photo of the mother-in-law on my drinks cabinet.

It keeps the kids from it.

And when she starts to look good I know it's time to stop drinking.

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My wife thrust a picture under my nose. "What the fuck is this!" she asked. "Well," I calmly replied, "It appears to be a photo of me fondling your sister's massive breasts... But you do know that's not real, don't you, babe?" "Really? she said, calming down.

"Obviously" I replied, "They're implants".

I always thought it was strange that Snoop Dogg has an umbrella with him in any outdoor photo. Just the other day my buddy explained the reason.

Fo Drizzle

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To everyone who received photo of my penis!!!

I've been hacked! So there will be no mailings this and next week, sorry

Bakeries often ask me to pose for promotional photos with their products.

Apparently I'm an excellent roll model

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Are people born with photographic memories?

Or do they take a while to develop?

Why the fuck are you morons spending real money on Reddit awards? Fucking STOP it. Reddit admins do NOT deserve any kind of money at all. The just banned 200 odd subreddits - and you fucking halfwits want to reward them for it.

Fuck's sake.

Happiness

A Chinese business man has been sharing photos of children crawling around and playing on top of a Lamborghini, saying that the happiness of children is the most valuable thing in the world. A million dollars worth Lamborghini is nothing compared to that. So he allow the kids to play and jump on top...

I met Matthew McConaughey and asked him to sign a photo for me. I told him to make sure he doesn't write anything in the left side of the picture though.

He said "Alright, I'll write all right."

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Well, I accidentally sent a nude photo of me to everyone in my contacts list

It cost me a small fortune in stamps.

I started a business that takes stock photos of food

I call it Spaghetti images

Everyone is posting photos of people from the 1910's wearing masks to protect themselves from the Spanish flu to try and convince people to wear masks now...

Idiots. If masks work, then why are all those people in the pictures dead?

What does a photo editor and a farmer have in common?

They both make good crops.

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What are two things that you can see in the photo op at St John's church?

One is a glorified tool that is no longer relevant, but still widely used by radical christians to persecute homosexuals, degrade women, prohibit freedom, and rationalize war on non-believers.

The other is the bible.

The wrong photo went to jail.

It was framed

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A mother in law said to her son's wife when their baby was born:

"I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son." The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said: "I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a pussy, not a fucking photo-copier."

A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend.

In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.

To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went...

I found a ghost who wanted to pose for a photo for me! Unfortunately, it came out horribly underexposed.

The spirit was willing, but the flash was weak.

After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman’s nightstand by the bed…

He begins to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be re...

My friend is making a lot of money by selling photos of salmon dressed up in human clothes...

It’s like shooting fish in apparel...

The Photographer.

A Los Angeles agent representing a wealthy photographer called and asked to speak to his client.

"Brittany, I have some good news and I have some bad news."


The photographer replied, "You know, I've had an awful day, Jack, so let's hear the good news first."


The ...

The first high definition photos have been received from the Mars rover, Perseverance.

As I predicted, it has found a McDonalds with a drive-thru lane, and a Walmart Supercenter.

It has also started receiving calls from telemarketers.

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A woman grants her mother's unusual dying wish.

She specifically requested pictures of her right foot be sent to an address in Rhode Island.

A couple of days later, she realizes that reversed pictures of her mother's *left* foot were sent instead. Unsure of the importance, but determined to fulfill her wishes, the woman travels to Rhode Is...

Have you seen a photo of Mount Rushmore before it was carved?

It’s completely unpresidented

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Little mouse runs up to mama mouse

- Mommy, mommy, I've got a new boyfriend, take a look-see!
She reaches into her mouse-pocket and takes out her mouse-wallet in which she has stuck a photo.
- Oh dear, I don't want to disappoint you but it looks like an ordinary bat! - says mama mouse. Little mouse bursts in tears.
- That ba...

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The moment I reached home,my wife was standing at the door and told "I got a call from "Amber" and she said she slept with you 5 times".

"Err... Wrong number," I replied. "It has to be a wrong number."

She pulled out her phone and showed the photo.

"Then,explain this !"

"Well, I'm not denying sleeping with her .But that dumb bitch is either bad in counting or memory. We slept 7 times so far".

My wife always keeps a little photo of me in her bra.

She says she'll show it to people if I ever cheat on her.

I took photo of my flower.

Now it can photosynthesize.

How do you make a group of lawyers smile for a photo?

Just say, fees

A woman goes into a pharmacy and asks for cyanide...

A woman goes into a pharmacy and asks for cyanide. The pharmacist is shocked and said “what do you need cyanide for?”

“I plan to poison my husband”, she tells him. “I’m sorry, but there’s absolutely no way I can give you cyanide for that” the pharmacist says angrily.

The woman reaches ...

Why did the chicken cross the road?







To take a photo in front of a church.

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Why did the Joker send Harley Quinn A Photo of Robin?

She asked him for a dick pic.

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A woman decides to go on a photo safari in Africa. She takes her pet dachshund along for company.

One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies, and before long the little dog discovers it’s lost.

Suddenly the dog sees a hungry leopard bounding toward it. The dachshund thinks, I’m in deep trouble now!

But then it notices some bones on the ground and immediately settles down to ...

If you put a photo of yourself in a pendant what does that make you?

Independent

Yo mamma's so fat

They had to take her passport photo with Google earth.

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the horse

A veterinarian walks into a bar and orders a drink. He strikes up a conversation with the guy next to him, who asks what he does. "I'm a veterinarian," the vet says. "Really?" the guy asks. "Say, I own a horse and was wondering if you could help me." He pulls out his cell phone and call up a photo o...

A man is on a photo safari in Africa.

He finds an elephant in distress, lying in the bushes. Upon inspection, he finds that the elephant has a large, sharp rock embedded in the bottom of its foot. He carefully pulls the rock free, and the elephant gets up and saunters away.

Almost a decade later he is back in his home town when a...

Why do narcissists take blurry photos ?

They can only focus on themselves

I just had a photo taken with REM...

That’s me in the corner!

A mother and her son are looking at old photo albums

The son points to a photo and asks:

"Mom, who is this muscular guy with so much hair?"

His mother responds:

"Can't you see that? That is your father."

"Oh..." He pauses "But if he's my father, then who is that fat bald guy that lives here?"

We had a friend who liked to take photos of himself doing life-risking stunts for fun. We always discouraged him, but one time he got hit by a train at a railway station because of a stunt.

That time, it was painfully clear to us that he had definitely crossed the line.

One of my family photo dropped under a women's feet while sitting on a bus. When I asked her politely, I was shocked she slapped me.

I asked her, "Could you lift up your leg? I need to take a picture under your skirt".

Why was the photo I took of an artist not good?

It had too much exposure.

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There's an email going around that claims to include a nude photo of Hillary Clinton

Don't open it. It contains a nude photo of Hillary Clinton.

My publicist spent today taking photos of me deep within a dark cavern.

She assured me the photos would receive high exposure.

JFK walks into a photo studio

"I'm here for the headshots..."

The FBI, CIA, and Los Angeles Police get into a bragging war about their tracking skills.

To settle the matter they agree to a contest between their best units. Whoever can track down an elusive white rabbit in a ten thousand acre forest wins the contest.

The FBI organizes a vastly complex operation with dogs, forestry experts, sharpshooters, the works.

The CIA takes sate...

If I had a dollar for every girl that looked different in real life than she did on her online dating photos...

I still wouldn't have enough money for make-up remover for 1 of them

A teenage girl gives birth to twins and puts them up for adoption...

She never hears from them again except for the news that one baby was adopted by a Mexican couple, and the other was adopted by a couple from the Middle East.

Years later she hires a private investigator to track down her two adopted children, just so she can find out how their lives have bee...

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How many redditors does it take to change a light bulb?

Q: How many group members does it take to change a light bulb ?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the...

I once got in a photo with R.E.M

Yeah, that's me in the corner

How do French people send photos of cats to each other?

They use Snapchat

I am a huge fan of R.E.M did you see the photo I got with them backstage after their concert,

that’s me in the corner...

A husband always carry his wife's photo in his wallet

Wife: You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?

Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

Wife: You see how miraculous and powerful I am to you?

Hubby: Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem ca...

I took ten photos of myself in the shower, but hated them all.

Turns out I have selfie-steam issues

What’s a photo sensitive persons favorite drink?

Epilepsi

"I want your face to be the first thing I see in the morning and the last thing I see before falling asleep"

"Oh my God! Are you proposing?"

"What? NO! Just setting your photo as my phone wallpaper. Geez!"

Why did the pig cross the road?

Because the chicken told him to teargas protestors for a photo-op

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A woman goes to the pharmacist and asks for five kilos of arsenic.

The chemist says, "That's very dangerous, what do you want it for?"
Wife replies, "I'm giving it to my husband. He had an affair"
Chemist says, "Oh no, I could get in a lot of trouble for giving you that"
Wife goes into her purse and pulls out a photo of her husband.....having sex with the ...

Few people know this, but the man in the famous Tiennaman Square photo was actually run over by a tank. While English-speaking people generally refer to him as the "Tank Man," in Chinese he's known as "Lobster"...

Because he was a crushed Asian.

Me and my imaginary alphabet friends took a group photo together

When I looked at the picture only I was in it

The mothers of two IS fighters were exchanging kids photos..

One mother said, this is my son as a baby, and this is him growing up, him as a teenager and this is him last year as a man, just before he gave himself up for jihadi.

The other mother says, you know- they blow up so quick.

Last I remember is taking a photo with my Nokia 3310...

...and then its all blurry

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A grandfather and his grandchild leaf through the old family album and find a WW2-era photo

The grandchild asks who the uniformed people on the photo are and the grandfather solemnly says: “It’s the Nazis, kid. They were very, very bad men who murdered a great lot of innocent people, they made war and enslaved other people and they were against any freedom. Very, very bad men.”

The ...

What did snow white say when she came out of the photo booth?

Some day my prints will come...

Last year, the kids at the beach were all using hashtags in their photos...

This year, they will be using toe tags...

If you live in Florida, make sure to take a black and white photo of the hurricane this weekend.

I'm not exactly sure why, but I've heard a lot of buzz about a picture of Dorian, grey. People seem pretty wilde about it.

Panda Express fired me for emailing around photos of bad stir fry...

I guess I should have labelled them Not Safe for Wok...

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I want to find out what will make me happy in life, but it's like taking a photo with a shitty camera

Trying to get the big picture but focusing on all the wrong things.

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Girlfriend: "Why do you have a photo of this hairy, tattooed, scarred butt on your computer?" [nsfw]

Me: "You found it... You found the Pirate's Booty."

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I bumped into an old school friend today

I bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.

Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"

I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."

He said...

Astronauts release a photo of Hurricane Harvey...

Astronauts released a photo of Hurricane Harvey as seen from the the International Space Station. They sent a short message along with the photograph; "Houston, you have a problem."

Husband sat in his room throwing darts at his wife's photo but not even a single one hits the Target.

From the lounge wife asks: "What are u doing honey?"

Husband: “MISSING YOU.”

After 10 years of marriage I still keep a photo of my wife in my wallet that I can look at for motivation when times get hard.

I think, “If I can survive 10 years of marriage to this I can survive anything.”

In my girlfriend's copy of 50 Shades of Grey I found a photo of me with the word "scumbag" written as a caption.

I guess I'm not in her good books.

Took down a Tiananmen Square Massacre photo yesterday...

“Censorship bad”

I love taking photos of myself standing next to boiling water.

My doctor says I have selfie steam issues.

I finally figured out why I look so bad in photos.

It's my face.

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