I met Matthew McConaughey and asked him to sign a photo for me. I told him to make sure he didn't write anything on the left side of the picture though.

He said, "Alright, I'll write all right."

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A man sits next to another man on the train and pulls out a photo of his wife “isn’t she beautiful?”

Other man: “If you think she’s beautiful you should see my wife”
First man: “Why? Is she a stunner?”
Other man: “No, she’s an ophthalmologist”

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Well, I accidentally sent a nude photo of me to everyone in my contacts list

It cost me a small fortune in stamps.

The wrong photo went to jail.

It was framed

there are some people who look better in photos and others who look better irl

and then there's me

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A woman grants her mother's unusual dying wish.

She specifically requested pictures of her right foot be sent to an address in Rhode Island.

A couple of days later, she realizes that reversed pictures of her mother's *left* foot were sent instead. Unsure of the importance, but determined to fulfill her wishes, the woman travels to Rhode Is...

I took photo of my flower.

Now it can photosynthesize.

A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend.

In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.

To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went...

Why can't you email a photo to a Jedi?

because attachments are forbidden

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The Beatles were trying to decide where to take the photo for the Abbey Road album cover...

Nobody could agree.

George mentioned it was his birthday and suggested a day trip to visit their friend dear Prudence.

"We can drive my car," he offered.

"Don't bother me," Ringo agreed.

"But how would we get back after that hard day's night?" John pointed out. "Afte...

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A woman goes to the pharmacist and asks for five kilos of arsenic.

The chemist says, "That's very dangerous, what do you want it for?"
Wife replies, "I'm giving it to my husband. He had an affair"
Chemist says, "Oh no, I could get in a lot of trouble for giving you that"
Wife goes into her purse and pulls out a photo of her husband.....having sex with the ...

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What are two things that you can see in the photo op at St John's church?

One is a glorified tool that is no longer relevant, but still widely used by radical christians to persecute homosexuals, degrade women, prohibit freedom, and rationalize war on non-believers.

The other is the bible.

I was in the park today when a woman came up to me and said, “Are you taking photos of my daughter on your iPhone?”

“Yes I’m taking photos of her,” I replied, “But it’s not what you think.”

“So what is it then?” she asked.

I said, “Its a OnePlus.”

How do you make a group of lawyers smile for a photo?

Just say, fees

The mothers of two IS fighters were exchanging kids photos..

One mother said, this is my son as a baby, and this is him growing up, him as a teenager and this is him last year as a man, just before he gave himself up for jihadi.

The other mother says, you know- they blow up so quick.

Did you know that in the USA you can't take a photo of a man with a prosthetic leg?

You need to use a camera.

Why did the chicken cross the road?







To take a photo in front of a church.

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My girlfriend Mel just showed me a photo album full of all her self shot images she’s taken over the years

She says it’s her Melfie folder

A photographer was killed in a freak accident today.

When trying to take a group photo, a giant wheel of cheddar rolled over and crushed him.

Witnesses said people did try to warn him.

How do French people send photos of cats to each other?

They use Snapchat

Last year, the kids at the beach were all using hashtags in their photos...

This year, they will be using toe tags...

A mother and her son are looking at old photo albums

The son points to a photo and asks:

"Mom, who is this muscular guy with so much hair?"

His mother responds:

"Can't you see that? That is your father."

"Oh..." He pauses "But if he's my father, then who is that fat bald guy that lives here?"

A little boy was walking down a road.

A policeman comes up to him and asks him whether he has seen a thief running away.
The little boy says, "Go along this road, and you will come upon and intersection of four roads.
Go along the fourth road, and you will find four wide alleys.
Go in the fourth alley and you will come acros...

Why did the pig cross the road?

Because the chicken told him to teargas protestors for a photo-op

Bakeries often ask me to pose for promotional photos with their products.

Apparently I'm an excellent roll model.

Jane Goodall has blocked my number!

Didn't appreciate me sending her photos of macaque.

If I had a dollar for every girl that looked different in real life than she did on her online dating photos...

I still wouldn't have enough money for make-up remover for 1 of them

What does a plant do when someone close to his friend dies?

He photo-sympathizes.

Panda Express fired me for emailing around photos of bad stir fry...

I guess I should have labelled them Not Safe for Wok...

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Why did the Joker send Harley Quinn A Photo of Robin?

She asked him for a dick pic.

Why was the photo I took of an artist not good?

It had too much exposure.

Photography at a strip club was a failure

Everyone in the photos was over-exposed

A guy is sitting home alone, when suddenly he hears a knock on the door.

He gets up to answer. There are two policemen outside. They ask him if he's married. He says yes and the policemen want to see the photo of the wife. He gets one and shows it to them.
The policemen exchange sad looks and one of them says:
"I'm very sorry, but it looks like your wife was hi...

Why are there so many stock photos of 1790’s France?

Because they’re royalty free

I know I'm ugly

As I get handed the camera every time they make a group photo.

At the Pharmacy

A lady walked into a drug store and told the Pharmacist she needed a bottle of cyanide.

The pharmacist said, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

“So I can poison that no good husband of mine,” she replied in an indignant tone.

The pharmacist’s turned pale as his eyes grew wi...

Dark humour

What do you call an orphan taking a selfie?

A family photo

My wife emailed me a photo of our first date together. But I could not open the file ..

I have trouble with emotional attachments

A teenage girl gives birth to twins and puts them up for adoption...

She never hears from them again except for the news that one baby was adopted by a Mexican couple, and the other was adopted by a couple from the Middle East.

Years later she hires a private investigator to track down her two adopted children, just so she can find out how their lives have bee...

My friend is making a lot of money by selling photos of salmon dressed up in human clothes...

It’s like shooting fish in apparel...

I bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.

Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?".

I said "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."

He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?", I said "No, she's an optician."

My wife always keeps a little photo of me in her bra.

She says she'll show it to people if I ever cheat on her.

Yo mama so fat

The photo I took with her on xmass is still printing

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Government

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy,...

Yo mama so fat

1 photo of her takes more space than your "homework folder"

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A doctor joke

(You May only get if you understand the nature of the different medical specialties)

A surgeon, internist, radiologist, and pathologist go duck hunting for the first time.

They are huddled in the duck blind and the first bird goes flying in front of them, but they can’t clearly make o...

One of my family photo dropped under a women's feet while sitting on a bus. When I asked her politely, I was shocked she slapped me.

I asked her, "Could you lift up your leg? I need to take a picture under your skirt".

I just had a photo taken with REM...

That’s me in the corner!

I once got in a photo with R.E.M

Yeah, that's me in the corner

What’s a photo sensitive persons favorite drink?

Epilepsi

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Poor old Jim finds out his wife is cheating with his best friend.

He wants to hire a hitman to put an end to their affair. The private investigator Jim hired recommends a guy who's supposedly the top in the field. Jim only has a few thousand dollars in savings, though, after the lengthy surveillance campaign, and he worries it won't be enough.

"That's okay,...

How Moral Are You?

This takes less than one minute and is incredibly accurate…well worth the little bit of effort I promise.

This test has only one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely and completely f...

JFK walks into a photo studio

"I'm here for the headshots..."

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I want to find out what will make me happy in life, but it's like taking a photo with a shitty camera

Trying to get the big picture but focusing on all the wrong things.

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what a set up, for a dad joke. it's worth it tho

full disclosure, this isn't my joke, was sent to me


I knew a bloke who was a massive fan of tractors his whole life.

When he was a kid, he didn't have toy cars or posters of lambos on his bedroom wall, he had toy tractors and trailers and posters of the latest John Deeres.

...

Last I remember is taking a photo with my Nokia 3310...

...and then its all blurry

Everyone who is concerned about facial recognition software / loosing your privacy because of photos in the internet...

Just wait until you hear about driver licenses.

What did snow white say when she came out of the photo booth?

Some day my prints will come...

If you live in Florida, make sure to take a black and white photo of the hurricane this weekend.

I'm not exactly sure why, but I've heard a lot of buzz about a picture of Dorian, grey. People seem pretty wilde about it.

Me and my imaginary alphabet friends took a group photo together

When I looked at the picture only I was in it

If you put a photo of yourself in a pendant what does that make you?

Independent

My friend's hobbies include photography and playing in an 80's band. He's a lot like a tree in that way

they both like to photo synthesize

Why do narcissists take such blurry photos?

They can only focus on themselves.

Took down a Tiananmen Square Massacre photo yesterday...

“Censorship bad”

Few people know this, but the man in the famous Tiennaman Square photo was actually run over by a tank. While English-speaking people generally refer to him as the "Tank Man," in Chinese he's known as "Lobster"...

Because he was a crushed Asian.

I just got a photo from a speeding camera through the mail.

I sent it right back – way too expensive and really bad quality.

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I was sat with my girlfriend’s dad as she was getting ready, when the embarrasing photos made an appearance.

“Here she is in the bath, she hates me showing this to anyone”

He just looked at me and said, “ Fuck off out of my house.”

In the first photo of a black hole

, scientists will find a large number of headphones, lipstick, umbrella, charging treasure, data cable, single socks, ...

Nothing like selling an old man your selfies in skin tight outfits, covering strangers with your sticky white goo, and taking compromising photos when they’re vulnerable.

I sure loved the old Spiderman movies.

stolen from comments of r/showerthoughts

After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman’s nightstand by the bed…

He begins to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be re...

What do you call someone down on their luck who does stock photos?

A poor business model.

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A policeman is training three men, Bob, Don, and Rod, to become detectives.

The policeman flashes an image of a suspect at Bob for five seconds, and then asks him, "This is your suspect. How will you catch him?"

Bob replies, "Well, sir, that's easy! He only has one eye!"

The policeman replies, "That's because the photo I showed you is his profile! He doesn't h...

A patient walked in to an office to find their doctor taking inappropriate photos...

"What are you doing, doctor?" The patient asked.



"It's alright, they're just medic pics."

Everybody talks about how amazing the first black hole photo is

I think it's badly underexposed.

Your ability to combine photos into a beautiful and evocative display is amazing!

Well, I am a collage graduate.

Husband sat in his room throwing darts at his wife's photo but not even a single one hits the Target.

From the lounge wife asks: "What are u doing honey?"

Husband: “MISSING YOU.”

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A woman decides to go on a photo safari in Africa. She takes her pet dachshund along for company.

One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies, and before long the little dog discovers it’s lost.

Suddenly the dog sees a hungry leopard bounding toward it. The dachshund thinks, I’m in deep trouble now!

But then it notices some bones on the ground and immediately settles down to ...

Eminem is the first celebrity to get the Wuhan Virus.

A statement from his manager says that Eminem admitted himself to the emergency department because his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy. Doctors say he presented with vomit on his sweater already. Initial testing has revealed it was moms spaghetti. Mathers said that he was "nervous"...

My Dad shows me a 30 min PowerPoint on why I should wear condom

my photos were on every slide

I am a huge fan of R.E.M did you see the photo I got with them backstage after their concert,

that’s me in the corner...

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Captain in Afghanistan receives a letter from his wife.

The letter contains a photo.

A nude photo of his wife, spreading her legs open. Captioned - honey, when you come back, I'll be waiting for you like this.
The captain immediately becomes happy and excited that his wife loves him so much and is thinking about him. He sleeps satisfied that ni...

Why did Albert Einsten stick his tongue out in one of his iconic photos?

At the peak of his career he took matters lightly.

A bunch of Chinese people come to a photographer for passport photos...

The photographer saw the enormous work to guide each of the 50 people and told to himself:

-Well, they all look the same, I will do just one photo and will send a copy to each one. They wouldn't notice.

So, he did it and sent a copy to each one of them. The next day, a Chinese guy com...

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I like to antagonize my roommate by keeping framed photos of his ex.

They're on shelves throughout the apartment. Hell, there are two in my room! Sometimes I call her when he's in the room. I even invite her to visit.

That's what that bastard gets for having dated my sister.

A husband always carry his wife's photo in his wallet

Wife: You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?

Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

Wife: You see how miraculous and powerful I am to you?

Hubby: Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem ca...

The English we Speak....

**Helen:** Hello and welcome to The English We Speak from BBC Learning English, I'm Helen. With me today is quite a frustrated-looking Neil. Neil, what are you doing to that mobile phone?


**Neil:** Argh, I can't get it to make a phone call. It does everything else: it takes photos, it c...

After a night of passion with his girlfriend, this man notices a photo of a handsome young guy on her bedside table.

“Is he your brother?” the man asks hopefully.

“No,” she answers, kissing his ear.

“Is he one of your friends?” the man asks jealously.

“No, my dear,” she answers, clinging to him.

“But who is he?”

“It’s me... Before the surgery.”

In my girlfriend's copy of 50 Shades of Grey I found a photo of me with the word "scumbag" written as a caption.

I guess I'm not in her good books.

My wife asked me if I am still taking photos of lost places

I said yes and showed her some photos of our bedroom.

I love taking photos of myself standing next to boiling water.

My doctor says I have selfie steam issues.

Donald Trump goes to Africa in safari, but they only show him a photo of some wildebeests.

Fake gnus!

After 10 years of marriage I still keep a photo of my wife in my wallet that I can look at for motivation when times get hard.

I think, “If I can survive 10 years of marriage to this I can survive anything.”

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found a very old photo my great-great grandfather took in 1874

in the photo he was wearing a tall black hat.



i took the photo to the local restoration shop and asked if they could restore it. "no problem" said the assistant.



"is it possible you could take his hat off? because he looked better without it."



"no proble...

I took ten photos of myself in the shower, but hated them all.

Turns out I have selfie-steam issues

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Pope taking a shower!

The Pope was having a shower and although he's very strict about celibacy, he occasionally felt he needed to exercise the papal wrist, and this happened to be one of those occasions. Just as he reached the Papal climax, he saw a photographer taking a picture of the Holy semen flying through the air...

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If you think you had an embarrassing childhood, my Father's name was Richard.

Half of my family photos contained Dick picks.

I finally figured out why I look so bad in photos.

It's my face.

A man is on a photo safari in Africa.

He finds an elephant in distress, lying in the bushes. Upon inspection, he finds that the elephant has a large, sharp rock embedded in the bottom of its foot. He carefully pulls the rock free, and the elephant gets up and saunters away.

Almost a decade later he is back in his home town when a...

My father loved the photos and paintings of John Audubon

He collected as many photos and paintings of all the different birds around the world.

As he lay on his deathbed facing the "wall of wading birds" I asked him if he would have done anything different.

His eyes panned across the wall and he frowned. With his last words he said. ...

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A grandfather and his grandchild leaf through the old family album and find a WW2-era photo

The grandchild asks who the uniformed people on the photo are and the grandfather solemnly says: “It’s the Nazis, kid. They were very, very bad men who murdered a great lot of innocent people, they made war and enslaved other people and they were against any freedom. Very, very bad men.”

The ...

Why is it that so many Americans do not have a passport ?

They don't fit in the photo booth.

Credits: Jimmy Carr

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I told my son I wasn't going to take any more photos because they all had red eye

He said "fuck you dad, it's not my fault I'm albino."

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If CNN released photos of Stormy Daniels & Trump

Do you know what he'd call them?



Fake Nudes.

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Girlfriend: "Why do you have a photo of this hairy, tattooed, scarred butt on your computer?" [nsfw]

Me: "You found it... You found the Pirate's Booty."

Some new friends of mine were looking through the photos on my phone...

They saw a ton of pictures of food, and the occasional pictures of my dog. And then they asked if I was Asian!

Doctor: does anything run in your family that I should know about?

**Me: [clutching a crumpled photo of my dad]** ...yes

I was hiking in Alaska when I encountered a sleeping family of bears and just had to take a photo.

It was a Kodiak moment.

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There's an email going around that claims to include a nude photo of Hillary Clinton

Don't open it. It contains a nude photo of Hillary Clinton.

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