UPJOKE
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Photo Jokes

Why do vegans often look miserable in photos?

They don’t like to say ‘cheese’

Why did the photo go to jail?

Indecent exposure

A guy sat next to me in the bus today and pulled out a photo of his wife.

He asked me “Ain’t she beautiful?”

I said “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my wife”

He replied with “ Why, is she a stunner as well?”

I said “ No, she’s an optician”


Credit: not mine but i can’t remember where I saw it

My girlfriend was really angry when I gave her a box of photos of all her old boyfriends for her birthday.

I don't know why, she said she wanted an ex box.

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One old lady's poodle got lost during a photo safari...

..after chasing some butterflies and enjoying a frolic in the bushes.


Not before long, he discovers realises he's lost.

Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly in his direction.

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately sett...

My friend showed me a photo of a famous meteor crater in Arizona.

It's amazing how close it landed to the Visitor's Center.

I just came across an old photo of my wife's mum

She hasn't spoken to me since

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In her tinder profile she said she's 32 but also that she has the body of a 16 year old.

But when I asked if I could see a photo she said I need to wait till tomorrow as she is naked and doesn't want to go to the freezer in the basement when it's already so late.

I met Matthew McConaughey and asked him to sign a photo for me. I told him to make sure he doesn't write anything in the left side of the picture though.

He said "Alright, I'll write all right."

Why do parents take so many photos?

Because they're saving for collage.

My neighbor claims he took a photo of a flea on the moon.

Never mind… it’s just a lunatic.

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I bumped into an old school friend today

I bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.

Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"

I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."

He said...

Photos

An amateur photographer was invited to dinner with friends and took along a few pictures to show the hostess. She looked at the photos and commented "These are very good! You must have a good camera."

He didn't make any comment, but, as he was leaving to go home he said "That was a really del...

After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man on the woman's nightstand by the bed.

He begins to worry.

'Is this your husband?'
he nervously asks.

'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him.

'Your boyfriend, then?'
he continues.

'No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his ear.

'Is it your dad or your brother?'
he inquires,...

My friend is making a lot of money by selling photos of salmon dressed up in human clothes...

It’s like shooting fish in apparel...

I came across an old photo of my great grandmother earlier today.

Took me nearly an hour to clean it off.

Why did the chicken cross the road?







To take a photo in front of a church.

Why can't you email a photo to a Jedi?

because attachments are forbidden

Why ate pessimists so good at developing photos

Because they always focus on negatives

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud toward him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefu...

A teenage girl gives birth to twins and puts them up for adoption...

She never hears from them again except for the news that one baby was adopted by a Mexican couple, and the other was adopted by a couple from the Middle East.

Years later she hires a private investigator to track down her two adopted children, just so she can find out how their lives have bee...

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A woman grants her mother's unusual dying wish.

She specifically requested pictures of her right foot be sent to an address in Rhode Island.

A couple of days later, she realizes that reversed pictures of her mother's *left* foot were sent instead. Unsure of the importance, but determined to fulfill her wishes, the woman travels to Rhode Is...

I saw a long stick of bread posing for a photo.....

... apparently it was a roll- model.

Stuck a photo of my ex onto my boomerang.

Now it only comes back when I get rich.

A man is on a photo safari in Africa.

He finds an elephant in distress, lying in the bushes. Upon inspection, he finds that the elephant has a large, sharp rock embedded in the bottom of its foot. He carefully pulls the rock free, and the elephant gets up and saunters away.

Almost a decade later he is back in his home town when a...

My wife emailed me our wedding photos, but I couldn’t open any of the files.

I always have trouble with emotional attachments.

What's the difference between Jesus and a photo of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang the photo.

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I accidentally sent a photo of my penis to everyone in my address book.

Not only was it really embarrassing but it cost a fortune in stamps.

I took a photo of a goat and showed him. Guess it didnt like it..

His reaction was "Meh"..

Did you hear about the two friends who always edited photos together?

They were sharecroppers.

Your mama is so fat…..

On one edge of her passport photo, it says continued on next page.

What do you call an orphan taking a family photo?

A selfie

NSFW On a baking hot day, the Pope steps into the shower to cool down.

He is overcome by the urge to bang one out, and just as he releases the holy seed he sees a flash of reflected sunlight across the street through the open window and realises someone has been taking photos.
Furious, he gets on his shower intercom and demands the Swiss Guard find the photographer ...

A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend.

In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.

To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went...

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To everyone who received photo of my penis!!!

I've been hacked! So there will be no mailings this and next week, sorry

The wrong photo went to jail.

It was framed

My wife said she wanted to see 50 Shades of Grey.

So I took a photo of her hair!

An imbecile sent a photo to his mother of himself riding a donkey.

On the back of the postcard he wrote "I'm the one on top."

I took photo of my flower.

Now it can photosynthesize.

why don't reddit show any photo of eagle which are sick

it is illeagle

Why was the plant developing photos?

It needed to photosynthesize

I just got a photo from a speed camera through the mail.

I sent it right back – way too expensive and really bad quality.

Sean Connery used to take photos of himself up against every bookcase he ever saw.

He loved his shelfies.

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There's an email going around that claims to include a nude photo of Hillary Clinton

Don't open it. It contains a nude photo of Hillary Clinton.

Why don’t dangerous criminals ever take photos of themselves?

Because they pose a threat

JFK walks into a photo studio

"I'm here for the headshots..."

I finally figured out why I look so bad in photos.

It's my face.

I just had a photo taken with REM...

That’s me in the corner!

Hey, did you hear about the Star Wars fanatic who's been stealing autograph books and photo albums from other fans at conventions?

They call him the fan-tome menace.

In the first photo of a black hole

, scientists will find a large number of headphones, lipstick, umbrella, charging treasure, data cable, single socks, ...

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Richard Attenborough showed me a selection of photos of small African antelope penises.

It was Dick's dik-dik dick pic picks.

What does a photo editor and a farmer have in common?

They both make good crops.

A man is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock at the front door.

He opens it to find two sheriff’s deputies there. He asks if there is a problem. One of the deputies asks if he is married. The man replies, “Yes, I am.” The deputy then asks if he could see a picture of the man’s wife. The guy says, “Sure…” and gets a photo to show them. The deputy says, “I’m sorry...

My wife always keeps a little photo of me in her bra.

She says she'll show it to people if I ever cheat on her.

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Photo Album

A young boy was looking through
the family album and asked his
mother, "Is this you on the beach?

Mother says "Yes, it is"

Son asks "Who's this guy with you with all the

muscles and curly hair?"

"That's your father."

"Then who's that old bald-headed
...

Why did the pig cross the road?

Because the chicken told him to teargas protestors for a photo-op

Astronauts release a photo of Hurricane Harvey...

Astronauts released a photo of Hurricane Harvey as seen from the the International Space Station. They sent a short message along with the photograph; "Houston, you have a problem."

I've got a framed photo of the mother-in-law on my drinks cabinet.

It keeps the kids from it.

And when she starts to look good I know it's time to stop drinking.

Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries a photo of one of them because…

…if you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.

Husband and wife…………..

A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.

So the couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery....

What’s a photo sensitive persons favorite drink?

Epilepsi

If you put a photo of yourself in a pendant what does that make you?

Independent

What does Harry Potter use to edit his photos?

A Dobe

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What do you call a very unattractive person who hands out naked photos of themselves?

A bearer of bad nudes.

Took down a Tiananmen Square Massacre photo yesterday...

“Censorship bad”

I realized why girls like tall men

Because it makes it easier to crop your head out of photos when you break up.

How do you make a group of lawyers smile for a photo?

Just say, fees

I once got in a photo with R.E.M

Yeah, that's me in the corner

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Why did the Joker send Harley Quinn A Photo of Robin?

She asked him for a dick pic.

Why do narcissists take blurry photos ?

They can only focus on themselves

I started a business that takes stock photos of food

I call it Spaghetti images

A mother and her son are looking at old photo albums

The son points to a photo and asks:

"Mom, who is this muscular guy with so much hair?"

His mother responds:

"Can't you see that? That is your father."

"Oh..." He pauses "But if he's my father, then who is that fat bald guy that lives here?"

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What are two things that you can see in the photo op at St John's church?

One is a glorified tool that is no longer relevant, but still widely used by radical christians to persecute homosexuals, degrade women, prohibit freedom, and rationalize war on non-believers.

The other is the bible.

My mother was showing my new girlfriend some of my baby photos.

"Oh my goodness, you haven't changed at all!" said my girlfriend.

"Alright mum," I replied, "that's enough of the naked ones."

Bakeries often ask me to pose for promotional photos with their products.

Apparently I'm an excellent roll model

Whenever I feel depressed, I take out a photo of my wife that I carry with me in my wallet.

If I can survive living with her, I can make it through anything.

What kind of photos do turtles take?

Shellfies

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The photo technician got caught masterbating to people's photos

They charged him with "indecent exposure"

A husband always carry his wife's photo in his wallet

Wife: You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?

Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

Wife: You see how miraculous and powerful I am to you?

Hubby: Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem ca...

Me and my imaginary alphabet friends took a group photo together

When I looked at the picture only I was in it

I showed my sterile friend a photo of my son.

He just couldn’t conceive of such a thing.

After I got my school photo taken, I told them I only wanted the one poster sized print developed.

They asked, “Are you sure you wouldn’t be interested in exploring some of the packages with wallet and postcard sizes with multiple...”

I had to cut them off and let them know that, “I’m really just a big picture person.”

I tried to take a photo of the fog

but I mist

I love taking photos of myself standing next to boiling water.

My doctor says I have selfie steam issues.

What did snow white say when she came out of the photo booth?

Some day my prints will come...

What do you use to meassure the weight of a photo?

Instagrams

The first high definition photos have been received from the Mars rover, Perseverance.

As I predicted, it has found a McDonalds with a drive-thru lane, and a Walmart Supercenter.

It has also started receiving calls from telemarketers.

I came across an old family photo this morning.

Then I had to wipe it up before anyone got home.

I found a ghost who wanted to pose for a photo for me! Unfortunately, it came out horribly underexposed.

The spirit was willing, but the flash was weak.

The mothers of two IS fighters were exchanging kids photos..

One mother said, this is my son as a baby, and this is him growing up, him as a teenager and this is him last year as a man, just before he gave himself up for jihadi.

The other mother says, you know- they blow up so quick.

How do French people send photos of cats to each other?

They use Snapchat

old but gold

Just sat next to a bloke in the pub, he takes his wallet out and pulls a photo of his wife from it. He showed it to me and said, Isn't she stunning?

I replied, if you think she is stunning you should see my wife.

Why? Is she a model?

No, I replied, she's an optician.

I keep a photo of my mother flexing inside the charm of my necklace

Because she is a strong, in the pendant woman

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I've been giving my friends t shirts with photos of them printed on it for their birthdays.

Half of them think it's hilarious, and half of them tell me how the fuck did I get this picture of them sleeping.

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A mother in law said to her son's wife when their baby was born:

"I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son." The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said: "I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a pussy, not a fucking photo-copier."

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found a very old photo my great-great grandfather took in 1874

in the photo he was wearing a tall black hat.



i took the photo to the local restoration shop and asked if they could restore it. "no problem" said the assistant.



"is it possible you could take his hat off? because he looked better without it."



"no proble...

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A policeman is training three men, Bob, Don, and Rod, to become detectives.

The policeman flashes an image of a suspect at Bob for five seconds, and then asks him, "This is your suspect. How will you catch him?"

Bob replies, "Well, sir, that's easy! He only has one eye!"

The policeman replies, "That's because the photo I showed you is his profile! He doesn't h...

What kind of cake smiles when you take a photo?

Cheese cake!

Ghostly photos...

An enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom that lived in the spooky old mansion house at the edge of town.

When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost descended upon him, moaning and wailing and clanking chains....

All these celeb photos leaks...

I can't believe it's fappening again.

Austrian humor

*One time back in the 1980s when I was living in Austria, a bunch of us went out for a beer. During the chit-chat, an American friend of mine named Margie insisted that Austrian jokes weren't funny. Her (Austrian) boyfriend Werner disagreed. Margie said, "Well, tell that mouse joke of yours." Werner...

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Why do Japanese people always look serious in photos?

Last time they saw a flash, it destroyed their country.

Panda Express fired me for emailing around photos of bad stir fry...

I guess I should have labelled them Not Safe for Wok...

I tried to put up a photo of myself on eBay...

But there were too many sale fees

Two Swedish models, Astrid and Ebba, are at a photoshoot

The photographer takes a few shots, takes a minute to switch to a different lens, spends some time adjusting the camera to the new lens, and then resumes.

After he's repeated this process a few times, Astrid gets visibly frustrated with the continual delays to the shoot. She turns to Ebba and...

At my cousin's birthday party, I held up a photo of my uncle and said "It's amazing how you look just like your father did at 40!"

That's the last quinceañera I get invited to.

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