UPJOKE
computerwaitersoftwarehostcomputinghardwarelinuxfirmwarehttpworkstationwaitressbrowserdesktopcomputer sciencemainframe

A chat server has been opened for world leaders to talk to one another,

and the world has fallen into chaos and Discord.

Me as a server in a restaurant: "Do you wanna box for the rest of this food?"

Guest says yes, so I start to put on my gloves

A server walks up to a table of Karens and asks...

Good evening ladies. Is anything alright tonight?

Two strings walk into a bar, bartender says “Hey we don’t server your kind here, get out.” Outside one of the strings says “ I have an idea, here help me”

the string proceeds to tie himself up and then dishevels the threads at the top of his head and at his feet. The string then walks back into the bar and orders a drink, bartender looks and says “hey aren’t you that string I just threw out?”

String says “ No , I am a frayed knot!”

Server: “how would you like your steak sir?”

Me: “like winning an argument with my wife”

Server: “rare it is”

A computer goes up to a guy at a restaurant...

It says, "I'll be your server today."

A panda walked into the restaurant where I work as a server.

He came in, found a table and sat down. Hesitantly, I approached and took his order. He ordered sooo much food. He ordered at least one of every entree. I faithfully took notes and read them back to him. Satisfied, he sent me away to give the orders to the kitchen staff.
I took a detour to ask m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day a blind man goes to a restaurant

One day a blind man goes to a restaurant

The server asked him if he’d like to see the menu

The blind man says: “no, I am blind, just bring me a dirty fork and I will smell it and order”.

The server, confused, goes to the kitchen, and brings back a dirty fork.

The blind...

Jesus and his apostles walk into a restaurant...

Matthew asks for a table for 26. The server says " But there is only 13 of you" Paul says "But we all want to sit on the same side of the table."

Then the group skips out early leaving Judas with the bill.

"Jusus Christ man, where am I going to find 30 pieces of silver

An old guy was sitting eating at a local truck stop...

when three big, burly bikers walked in. The first stubbed his cigarette out in the old guy's pie, the second walked past and spat in his coffee, and the last flipped the guy's plate over, tipping the rest of his meal everywhere.

The old guy didn't say a word. He just got up and slowly walked...

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Let's go to Hooters!

Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Georgia and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other’s stories.

At **age 32** they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch. "Where do you wanna go?"
...

My doctor used to work as a server

Every time a patient leaves, he said "Thanks, come again! Actually, nevermind."

Could you imagine if trump actually moved the files from govt servers to a private server?

That would be Hillaryous.

Edit: My first reddit silver! Thank you kindly!

Edit2: reddit gold?! You all are too good to me!

Good news! Now that OnlyFans is getting rid of adult content

Your local restaurants will be able to hire servers again.

Don't forget to tip your server, that's what they always say...

But then I got fired from the Google Datacenter.

What’s the difference between Reddits servers and your Mom?

People are surprised when Reddits servers go down.

What kind of servers do police hate?

FTP

Some guy on a Minecraft server thought that I was a hermit

How dare he make such baseless accusations.

Is the Google server down?

Don’t ask me.......just google it if you don’t know.

Reddit joke

The servers

*Reddit account completes one circle around Reddit's servers*

Redditors: Happy Cake Day!!!

An American goes to breakfast in a restaurant in Italy.

After the meal he looks at the coffee menu and orders an Espresso Ristretto, because the name sounds good. The server brings him a tiny coffee cup with a little coffee at the bottom. The American takes the cup, dumps the content in his mouth, makes few slushing sounds with his tongue and says to the...

Which room is the easiest to install windows in, regardless of it's position in the building?

A server room.

Reddit servers went down today, so I went downstairs and spoke with my family.

They seem like nice people.

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Two Irishmen met in a pub...

Two Irishmen meet in a pub, and in a slur one says to the other, "I'm thinking I ought to know ye."

The other replied, "You've got a familiar face, where ye be from?"

"I be from County Cork."

"Well I'll be dipped! I be from County Cork too, from Middleton!"

"Middleton?! I...

A man goes to a tool store to buy a chainsaw. The server sells him the top-of-the-line model, saying that it will cut through over 100 trees in one day.

The man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees but after working for hours he only cuts down two trees.

“How can I cut for hours and hours and only finish two trees?” he asks himself.

Next day the man brings the chainsaw back to the store and says it doesn’t work prope...

What happens when a computer engineer fails flirting with a waitress?

Error in connecting to the server

*at a fancy restaurant* Server: So, how did you find the food sir?

Me: It was easy. You put it on a plate and kept the plate right in front of me.

Whenever I go out to eat I always tip my server.

I've also learned that servers have horrible balance.

I was at a restaurant and a cute waitress was flirting with me. She gave her email and told me to hit her up sometime. I tried to email her the next day but the internet was down.

I couldn’t connect to the server

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It has been mentioned that when cruises start sailing again, the buffets will all be staffed with servers instead of just serving yourself.

The saddest job will be the person who has to push the buttons on the pop dispenser.   Why?   Because it is "soda pressing".


I will see myself out.

The office servers and network were suddenly incredibly slow...

Emails and messages weren’t been sent out and requests to access shared drives were timing out. Virtual meetings were coming to a standstill. It was serious.

The IT dept revved into action and started diagnosing everything - from the cables to the servers themselves to electrical supply to ...

What's different between Red Lobster and Facebook ?

At Red Lobster, the servers are responding.

What message did the cyborg see upon his failed attempt to flirt with the waitress?

Error! Unable to establish a connection with server.

I wish I could date Pokemon GO's servers

Because then she'd go down on me 5 times a day.

How are Xbox servers like hookers?

First they take my money, and then they go down on me.

Her: Remember that time in that one restaurant when the server wouldn't let you get new cutlery yourself?

Him: Yes it was un-fork gettable.

A fight happened in my Christian Minecraft server

Nothing too big.Just a little "Frick"tion

How do you keep a redditor in suspense?

all of our servers are busy right now

please try again in a minute

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to this cool new restaurant in Vegas, the server woman came out nude with the menu painted all over her body.

She asked if I was ready to order, I said “ I know what I want, but I just can’t put my finger on it.”

Well the EU servers are full

But they almost have one GB of extra space

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was eating at a restaurant ...

When he noticed all the servers had spoons in their pocket.

Curious, he asked his server “why do all of you carry spoons?”

“Oh that’s interesting,” replied the server. “Our manager attended a seminar and found out the spoon is the most frequently dropped utensil. This way we are alway...

Many people are surprised by the engagement of Serena Williams and Alexis Ohanian, but not me.

If I founded reddit I'd be searching for better servers too.

How many stuttering Mexicans does it take to crash a server?

D--Dos

Mid life career change

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "So what do you do?" the bartender chats him up. "Well I used to work in food service, but I just got a new job in IT," the guy says. "How was it changing careers?" the bartender asks. "Well, you know, a job is a job. I guess the biggest difference is that t...

What was Jeffrey Epstein's Minecraft Server called?

Miner's Welcome.

What did the client say to the server?

I GET you.

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What's the difference between Cardi B and a Chipotle server?

They both take your money and leave you with a sore asshole, but a Chipotle server can wrap.

Call of Duty Servers

Going Dark.

I am a server, and normally I do my job like I should. I handle workload like a charm, even though I rarely sleep.

So today I couldn't handle it anymore, and broke down. Today I crashed, and corrupted 57 GB worth of websites.

The server at the sandwich shop said that every sandwich comes with a free pickle.

I said, “That’s a really good dill.”

A deaf man walks into a restaurant. He asks a server if he can use his credit card in the jukebox.

She replies “You can’t hear”

Damn girl, are you Hilary Clinton's email server?

Damn girl, are you Hilary Clinton's email server?
.
Because your incredibly insecure
.
Hahaha

What do you have to allocate in order to crash a Minecraft server on purpose?

Premeditated Wam.

A server is carrying a tray of cheese when he sees a beautiful girl walk by.

He thinks of something to say and goes in for the kill. But on his way he slips on a wet spot, sending him sliding into an ice sculpture and spilling the cheese in a straight line behind him. People get up to help and start picking up cheese off the ground. The girl goes over to the server and asks ...

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A proctologist decided to take the day off and play Call of Duty, there were lots of newbies in the server.

He rectum

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The worst joke in the world

WW3 breaks out and the President authorizes use of the most powerful weapon ever made, a joke so bad it causes instant death to the listener. The problem is, it was said to be developed in revolutionary times by British expats and nobody could remember where it has been stashed away.

To find...

A pastor, IT server admin and a Thai ladyboy walk into a bar

The bartender asks him what he would like to drink.

Call of Duty servers

That’s the entire joke. What more did you expect?

A football player was famished after a big game, so he ordered a large pizza.

The server asked him if he wanted it cut into 8 or 10 pieces. He said, "Just eight thanks, I'm hungry but I don't think I could eat ten."

I was told that tipping your server is normal in America

I was told that tipping your server is normal in America

But apparently this will get you fired as a systems administrator.

Hey baby, are you a cloud server?

Because I have something to upload from my hard drive.

I haven’t had a server go down on me that long

since New Year at Hooters.
Edit for explanation: https://techcrunch.com/2016/08/11/reddit-is-currently-experiencing-a-major-outage/

My IT friend tried to flirt with a waitress and failed miserably

I guess it wasn’t the first time he couldn’t connect to the server

NASA Scientists were eagerly waiting for the rover to send back the first sounds from Mars.

A program decades in the making, a feat of engineering never before accomplished. Not only did they include high resolution cameras for the landing, but incredibly robust microphones to capture the first sounds from an alien planet.

The team of people were huddled around a lab station for hou...

Helium Walks into a bar and orders a beer the bartender says sorry we don,t server noble gases here

He Doesnt React

A young man went in to a restaurant and ordered a standard eggs, bacon, toast and coffee breakfast. The server told him they were out of bread, would he like a biscuit...

So he got the biscuit instead. After eating, he headed home, but started to feel bad. His stomach was cramping and he was gassy. Why?


He was Lack Toast Intolerant!


You've been Dad joked on Father's day! Happy father's day fellow dad's!

What do you call a folder on FBI's servers that contains all the intel on known child molesters?

A Pedo File.

I went to the Reddit restaurant

All of its servers were busy...

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Billy spots a pack of condoms

Billy is out shopping with his father at the supermarket when Billy sees a condom stand, each displaying server packages of condoms. He points to a three pack and asks " what is this for?" "That's for when you're in high school" explains his father. "You use one on Friday night and two on Saturday n...

What goes down longer than a dirty street hooker?

Reddit's servers.

What did Hillary Clinton say when they took down her private email server?

R.I.P. My Inbox

the servers were in such a hurry to set up the hors d'oeuvre tray that they forgot the crackers

they were cracka lackin

I hacked Russia's servers last night and got caught...

I was Putin jail.

So it turns out Mike Pence used a private email server. When questioned he denied, saying he doesn't even use email.

Alternative Fax

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Last night at an Indian diner the server walks up to me and asks "Curry Ok Sir?"

I said "Alright, just one song and then you can fuck off".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Things I've learned from video games

My mother has been fucked to death many times.

I'm really a cigarette in disguise.

I'm also actually of African descent, my father will be very upset to find that one out. Though my real father is probably one of those random people who fucked her to death.

A lot of people are m...

I’ve made a website for depressed tennis players…

The servers are currently down...

Pokemon GO servers are like my life right now.

Up and down and disappointing anyone who knows what it is.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I searched google for photos of Kim Kardashians asshole, but I think their servers are messed up.

All I get is photos of Kanye West

Why did I spill root beer on a DNS server?

Just because ICANN.

Why didn't the client tip the server?

Because they didn't have enough cache!

(Computer Science nerds unite! This is my original joke, I originally posted it on Imgflip last year with bad pun dog and it got a decent response.)

Pokémon GO servers

Yeah, that's it.

I was at a bar and the server was taking forever and never got anything right

Oh wait, the Reddit search engine isn't a bar.

I ordered rabbit stew at a pub the other day...

The server drops the rabbit stew off at my table and starts walking away.

I call him back and say, "There's a hare in my stew."

Server friend was complaining about her pay at local restaurant

Server friend was complaining about her job at local restaurant.

So I say, "Don't worry. Good things come those who wait."

I had another server go down on me at work.

It’s just how I interview waiting staff.

High End Restaurant

A very well dressed (tailored suit, silk tie, bespoke shoes etc) elegant older customer ordered the very best on the menu resulting in a very large tab.
At the end of the meal he was presented with the bill.
He said to the server, “I don’t know if you remember, but many years ago I was a bit d...

Daddy, what are clouds made of?

Linux servers, mostly.

L.P.T. Servers and waiters aren't really into you. You may believe they are flirting by giving you more attention...

... but in reality they just want the tip.

Two lawyers sit in a restaurant.

They're eating homemade sandwiches.
The server comes along and stops them: "Excuse me, but it is not allowed to bring your own food here"

The lawyers share a glance, sigh and trade the sandwiches.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Catholic priest, a Buddhist monk, and an atheist walk into a bar

The three sit down, order, and start chatting while enjoying their drinks, discuss why they believe what they do.

The Priest says "I try to live by the Word of God and love my neighbor as I love myself, showing my flock the same philosophy. By accepting this into my heart, I hope to earn my ...

What kind of computer does the Tumblr servers run on?

Not a binary one, thats for sure.

So Kim Jong-un is claiming he personally hacked into Sony's servers in retaliation to them broadcasting a spoof interview.

Is there no end to this Olympic gold Medallist's
talent?

I asked my web server engineer wife to give me head.

All I got was information and not the actual act.

Circle

why did the shapes kicked circle out of their discord server?

Because circle was all edge, no point

A “joke” my friend made up in middle school to prove I’d laugh at anything (I cried laughing unfortunately)

A man walks into a bar and takes a seat. The server comes up to him and says: “what’ll you have?”

The man says “I’ll take blood in a monkey glass”.

The bartender says “excuse me?”

The man says “blood in a monkey glass, ya know just...blood in a monkey glass”

The bartender...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many servers does it take to change a lightbulb?

That's not my fucking sidework.

Two mathematicians walk into a bar...

and begin to argue about the intelligence of the waitresses. One mathematician gets up, and on his way to the bathroom stops his server. He tells her: "I'll give you $5 is you answer "one-third x cubed" to the next question I ask you, ok?"
The server nods, and walks away. When the mathematician...

Why can't a computer play tennis?

server unavailable

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is on vacation in Spain

He goes out to eat one night and notices a man at another table being served a plate of spaghetti with two large meatballs. He asks his server if he can have the same.

The server says “I’m afraid not, señor, because those are actually the testicles of bull killed today at the bull fight. But ...

A king, a businessman and a network admin in hell.

A king, a businessman and a network admin meet the devil at the gates to hell.
- You can make one phone call, but you'd have to pay for it, - says the devil.
The king makes his call, asks who's the new ruler of the kingdom, was quickly assured that everything is fine, hangs the phone with ...

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