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Application Jokes

Reddit is killing third-party applications (and itself). Read more in this post.

>!More!<
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The new Russian AI application

ChatKGB - it's asking all the questions, and you are obligated to answer them
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A blonde at a job application

Interviewer: Okay before we move forward with your application. We're just gonna ask you a few simple questions.

Blonde: Okay no problem fire away!

Interviewer: What's 2+2?

Blonde: Oh that's easy! 4!

Interviewer: Very good! And what's the square root of 100?

Blonde...
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I filled out a job application last week...

... and under disabilities I put narcolepsy and Tourette's syndrome.
So not only will I be able to sleep at work, but if someone tries to wake me up I can tell them to fuck off.

An applicant was filling out a job application.

When he came to the question, 'Have you ever been arrested?'
He answered, 'No.'
The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the last one, was 'Why?'
The applicant answered it anyway:
'Never got caught'
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Social Security Application

The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver’s license to verify his age.

He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. “I will have to go home and come back later.” ...

Job application...

This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald's fast food establishment.
Not sure if they hired him....

NAME - Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION - Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here i...
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Your momma so ugly…

She went into a haunted house and came out with a job application
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A guy was nailing his interview and the employer said "well application looks great but there's a 7 year gap since your last job, what happened?"

The guy says "oh I went to yale",
The employer: Oh great your hired you start Monday.

Guy: "Yay I got a yob!"
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A manager examined a job application, then turned to the applicant and said, "For a man with no experience, you are certainly asking for a high salary."

*"Well, the work is much harder when you don't know what you are doing."*
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I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.

Do they just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out?"
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When I turned 18, I went down to the courthouse to petition to change my name.

The clerk asked me why. "Just look at my application," I said. "If you were named Oskar Von Wootengootenbootenshoot, wouldn't you want something different?"

The clerk said, "I suppose you've got a point."

I said, "Yeah, I don't like Oskar, either."
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I lied on my job application and ended up accidentally getting hired as a building inspector.

I keep getting my wires crossed, but I'm doing asbestos I can.
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There once was a job application form

There once was a job application form that said: “help wanted! Looking for people that are bilingual, able to make a computer program and able to make a robot!”, which a street dog was staring at, and it entered the building. The dog then enters the interviewing room and sits on the chair. The inter...
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Dear Sir, On behalf of Channel Four may I thank you for your application submitted on behalf of your wife for our new reality show

Also the charming photograph you enclosed. Whilst agreeing that she could make a worthy contribution to the program if selected, I would point out that the correct title of the series is actually "Fact Hunt".

Kind regards
Channel Four.
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Fill out job applications in crayon...

...and if you don’t get hired, just blame it on your color.
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The self-depreciation society is taking applications for new members.

I've already put myself down.
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I put in an application for an apartment

because I really liked the lengthy corridor to the bedroom. Now I’m in it for the long hall.
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What do you call a software wizard that installs applications?

The Wizard of OS
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Whenever I have to hire people I throw half of the applications in the trash can

I don't want to hire any unlucky people
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What do you need for a job application for a teen drama?

A CW.
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A man goes in for a job application...

...and the interviewer asks, "What would you consider to be your main strengths and weaknesses?"
"Well," he began, "my main weakness would definitely be my issues with reality-telling what's real from what's not."
"Okay," said the interviewer, "and what about your strengths?"
"I'm Batma...
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was surprised about the questions they asked on my online job application.

First they asked if want to have sex with male or female .

And now they want me to choose who i want to race with.

Harvard University accepted my application!

I'm going to be their best janitor!
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I filled out a job application form. It asked for Hobbies and Pastimes ...

I put Football, Travel and 1939-1945.
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Job Application Humor

========================================================================

Cover letter: "I would be prepared to meet with you at your earliest
convenience to discuss what I can do to your company."

That's what we're afraid of ...

===============================================...
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"I'll close all other applications and only keep my internet browser up to save processing power,"

Said the Google Chrome user.
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10 ants were applying for a joint rental application...

...They meet with the rental agent and are discussing details of the property. One of the ants says "so this ant next to me is Dave, we met in university - great guy. Sarah, Jack and Bobby over there I met through work at the ant hill two trees over, we used to go out leaf hunting together - so much...
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A large multinational company puts out an application for a secretary.

A golden retriever applies for the job, passes the written test and is scheduled for an interview. At the interview the interviewer asks, "Can you speak any foreign languages?"

And the golden retriever says, "Meow."
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A man came in to give his application to the manager.

But the manager asked, “Why is there a four-year gap in your application?”

And the man responded, “Yale.”

The manager hired him and the guy said, “Thanks. I needed a yob.”
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I went to pick up my tax forms and HOA application

Turns out that's not what they sell at the Adult Store at all.
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A young lady hands in an application form...but she gets rejected the first time.

A young lady hands in her application form. She wrote "Prostitute" where she had to state her occupation. The other lady at the counter quickly assesses it, and says that unfortunately, a prostitute is not eligible.

"Ok" says the frustrated young brunette, "how about I put down cock farmer?"<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was filling out an employment application when it asked me SEX: M or F?

I wanted to be honest so I said F if I can, M as a last resort.

On my Australian citizenship application, I was asked if I had a criminal record.

I asked if that was still required.
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I used to put college on job applications but I had to stop...

Turns out during job interviews, no one is impressed that you pledged ligma sugma boffa.
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I was thrown out of school because my boyfriend filled out my application.

They said I didn't apply myself
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The daycare turned down my job application.

Probably because I described myself as "a touchy-feely kind of guy"
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A secretary is helping her boss sort through job applications to pick a winner

The first thing the boss does is close his eyes, pick out 5 at random, and throw them in the trash. Puzzled, the secretary asks "why did you do that?"

The boss responds, "I dont want to hire an unlucky person"
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4 buddies put in together for a joint rental application

They just wanted to pass it around and take a few hits, then give it back.
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Sherlock and Watson are filling in their college application.

Watson: Sherlock? Why have you skipped writing this essay?
Sherlock: It's supplementary my dear Watson
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My job application for the scissors company was declined after the hands-on interview

I just didn't make the cut.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently in the hobbies section of my job application - Golf, masturbation and rolling boogers is not suitable....

I was only joking...I hate golf.

A new sunscreen called Sun-Off has been causing skin rashes on people's bellies after application.

It's a real Sun-Off Ab Itch
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A guy suffering with haemorrhoids regularly visits his physician for his ointment application.

This time the physician was on leave for the weekend, so he goes home and asks his wife’s help to apply his ointment instead. So he gets ready by going down on all fours, and the wife begins to apply the ointment. After a while he realises that his wife is resting only one hand on his shoulder and i...
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On job applications I put “Can pee with morning wood” under skills.

When the employer asks me why I just say “Well because it’s kind of hard”
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When you're hiring for your business, take the stack of applications, and throw half of them out without reading them.

You don't want to be surrounded by unlucky people, do you?
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Life before the computer:

Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show.

A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider's home. A virus was the flu.

A CD was a bank account. A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad wa...
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The circus was in town and was taking applications from the local townspeople for wildly unique acts.

The interviewer was at the end of a long fruitless day of these local no-talents, when the last applicant, Jack, stepped up to the table.

“Ok”, said the interviewer, “what’s your special talent?”

“I do bird imitations!”, replied Jack.

The interviewer sighed and shook his head. ...
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I just submitted my application to be on the next season of Survivor...

Which apparently was not the answer my dad was looking for when he asked "How is the job search going?"
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It's St Peter's day off and Jesus is manning the Pearly Gates...

When an old man arrives seeking admission. Jesus starts running through the application form.

"Name?" says Jesus in bored tone of voice.

"Joseph." The old man replies.

"Occupation?" Jesus drone on.

"Carpenter." Jesus looks up a little surprised but he continues.

"C...
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Whenever I get a stack of job applications, I always choose half at random to throw away.

After all, I can’t have unlucky people working for me.
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Whenever I have a lot of applications for a single job position, I throw half of them away

Sure I might be missing out on a great candidate. But then again, who wants someone with bad luck on their team.
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The HR takes the top 20 application folders from the pile and throw it in the trash.

Those people have bad luck. We don't want people with bad luck.
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Last month, I applied for a zookeeper position in Australia. Today, I found out that the application was unsucessful.

Perhaps I don't have the right koalafications.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The best joke to tell at parties

3 guys find out that they have 3 weeks to live. They realize that they have nothing to show for in their lives, so they each decide to try getting into the Guinness Book of World Records. The first guys says, "I have pretty long arms, maybe I have the longest arms in the world!" The second guy says,...

Mother decided that 10-year-old Cathy should get something 'practical' for her birthday.

“Suppose we open a savings account for you?" mother suggested. Cathy was delighted.
"It's your account, darling," mother said as they arrived at the bank, "so you fill out the application."
Cathy was doing fine until she came to the space for "Name of your former bank."

After a slight h...
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What's the difference between a Philosophy major and a cashier at KFC?

A job application.
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After almost thirty years of working hard in school, applying myself at college, and training and serving in the Air Force my application to become an Astronaut was rejected.

Turns out my mom was right, if I apply myself the sky's the limit.
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A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I just emailed in my application form for a dominatrix club..." he tells the bartender.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I just emailed in my application form for a dominatrix club..." he tells the bartender. "What happened?" the bartender asks. "I got an instant reply thanking me for my submission."
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got an internship for an insurance company.

My job was to review applications, I would receive a notification that a position was open, receive a stack of applications every day, and be expected to vet them and send the up the line for review.

My first day on the job my boss stepped to the desk I was working at, looked at my stack of a...

A man walks into a restaurant

After some time, he says "This business is stupud and you only hires idiots!" , so the manager said "did you want an application?"
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The young woman who submitted the tech support message presumably did it as a joke. Then she got a reply that was way too good to keep to herself.

The query:
Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications and intimacy, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 unin...

Finland has just joined NATO.

It’s good to know their application is Finnish.
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A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job.

The captain says they can't just turn her away, and orders to desk officer to ask her a few questions as if doing an interview.
Not having any idea what to ask her to disqualify her application, the officer asks, "What's 2+2?"

"Ummm... 4!" the blonde says.

*Dang,* the officer thinks...
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And that's how the fight started... (x-post /r/funny)

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.


I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'


'No,' she answered.


I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'


... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes...

For years poor Lawrence applied for Hogwarts, and year after year they turned him down.

Finally after working his tail off to submit his latest and greatest application, he was climbing the walls with anxiety. He went to see Hagrid. "What do you think my chances are, Hagrid?"

Hagrid looked at him with pity in his eyes. "They aren't good." Said Hagrid. "Why not?" Lawrence asked,...
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Why did the bee fail to get the job at a honey factory?

His application was nothing but buzz words
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Help Wanted

There's a dog walking down the street and he sees a sign in a shop window that says:

"HELP WANTED"

"Must be able to type 60 words per minute."

"Must be computer literate."

"Must be bilingual."

"An equal opportunity employer."

So, the dog goes inside and asks...
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