UPJOKE
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Instance Jokes

Beauty contests are becoming a popular way to promote things. For instance, the winner of the Trigonometry Club's beauty pageant was crowned....

Miss Calculation.

Tour Leader pageant winner:
Miss Guided

Encyclopedia Brittanica pageant winner:
Miss Information

Some people have said that I’m a spoilt and pretentious rich kid that doesn’t have to work, but they don’t know my struggles. For instance I really don’t like my Boss.

I much prefer my Balenciaga, but sometimes I have to wear it to appease mother.

Diversity is good for the workplace

For instance, she is the best dancer at our local strip joint.

The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker among themselves, is that, they don't speak the same language.

For instance, take the simple phrase - Secure the building.

The Army would post guards around the place.

The Navy would turn out the lights and lock the doors.

The Marines would kill everyone inside and set up headquarters.

The Air Force would take out a five year lease ...

You Know You're A Northneck (Northern Redneck) If......

Your rusty vehicle's resale value only goes up if you remember to put the snow tires on them during the winter.

You ever got into a shouting match based on which college hockey team you're a fan of.

You've ever used expired gas station sushi as bait for ice fishing.

(You're re...

WARNING: This post contains multiple instances of profanity.

profanity
profanity
profanity
profanity

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Two Deaf People Get Married

Two Deaf people get married
During 1st week of marrige they found they are unable to communicate in bedroom with the lights out as they can't see each other signing and lipsing.
After several nights of fumbling and misunderstanding they finally came up with a solution
The wife said
Why ...

I don’t think there are many instances where British royalty get into verbal altercations.

But if they did they’d have to duke it out somewhere.

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An Army major is assigned to a troubled base

After numerous reports of lax discipline and unruly behavior at a particular Army post, a major is assigned to take charge and straighten the place out.

He arrives and indeed, the place is a mess - nobody's shaved, beer bottles everywhere, grubby uniforms, unpolished boots. Outraged, the majo...

Seminar

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Jim and his wife listened to the instructor declare: It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other. He addressed the men: For instance, gentlemen, can you name your wife's favorite flower? Jim leaned o...

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My wife and I are a perfect match.

For instance, I have a 9 inch penis, and she doesn't know which end of a ruler to hold up.

Stop me if you've heard this one

A person was fishing off of a pier and somehow dropped their wallet into the water. A fish came by and took the wallet in it's fish mouth. It was a carp. A larger fish came by and took the wallet out of the carp's fish mouth. It was also a carp. This was the first known instance of carp to carp wall...

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A man is seated in 1st class with an open seat next to him.

Anxiously awaiting departure he can't believe his luck when a stunningly beautiful blonde approaches. As she sits down next to him he silently vows to abstain from hitting on her. It's doubtless she's had that happen to her frequently. She settles in and they're off and heading for San Francisco i...

It's amazing how removing letters from something changes things so fast

For instance, if you remove enough letters from 'mailbox' you get 'felony'

Faithful Wife

On the occasion of their 50th Anniversary, a man asked his wife, "Honey, you have been with me through thick and thin, and gave me constant love and support, however I just have to know whether you have actually been faithful to me all this time."

To which the wife replies, "To be honest, I h...

A man goes to Heaven and meets Jesus.

Upon arriving at the pearly gates, Jesus said, "Come on in. I'll show you around. I really think you'll like it here."

Walking through the gates, the man noticed that there were clocks everywhere. It appeared that Heaven was nothing more than a giant clock warehouse.

Surprised at how H...

I proposed my russian girlfriend and she said yes

For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow.

It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind.
...

The rapper 50 Cent is known by many names

For instance, in Russia they call him 1352 Ruble

**Edit:** Make that 1459 Ruble

Not all construction work is equally enjoyable.

For instance, drilling a large hole is boring, but fastening two pieces of metal together is riveting.

I read about a feudal uprising where a duke's son was killed by rebels.

They used a trebuchet to knock him off the battlements with the only available ordinance: a peasant's decapitated head.

It was the first recorded instance of a serf-face-to-heir missile.

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Two old lawyers who haven't seen each other in years finally get together to have some lunch.

"Life is good," one says, but lately I've noticed I've been getting pretty old. Like, I've been having a Freudian slip or two."

"How do you mean?" says the other.

"Well for instance, last week I was at the train station and I was headed to Pittsburgh. And when I walked up to the counte...

I know I’m gonna get hate for saying this, but there are some races that I just don’t like.

For instance, anything with an obstacle in it. Like if I’m running 10k, don’t make me climb over a wall halfway through it.

Kurdish cunieform tablets

In ancient Kurdistan, they didn’t have the material to make the cuneiform tablets they did down by the rivers in the Fertile Crescent, so they had to carve important documents into stone tablets.

That included contracts and treaties. There could be multiple “signatories.” For an invoice, for ...

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A guy gets on a Greyhound bus and finds a seat next to an attractive lady.

They say hello and chat a bit, then the lady decides to read for a few hours.
When she finally sets her book down, the man notices the book is titled "True, Unusual, and Medical Facts About Sex".
He says, "That must be quite an interesting book."
"Yes," she says, " it's got some amazing inf...

Comas can really change the meaning of a sentence...

For instance:
‟Ben is in a hurry.”
‟Ben is in a coma.”

A man reaches a river, and ponders how to cross.

He looks out, and sees that the river is far too wide to swim, lest he tire and drown. He would have tried making a raft, but there were no trees in sight, nor any other manner of building material. Stumped but determined, he decided to follow the river until he reached a point where the river narro...

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Southern grammar: tied

Y'all might not know it, but southern USA grammar is more complex than up north. We have many different ways of using the same word, with completely different meanings.

Take the word "tied" for instance. You might say two people, or animals "tied up" which means they fought.

You could ...

Salesman John

John was appointed as sales person at a local store in London.

While on one of his shifts, a lady approached him and asked if they had 'Peach Jam' to which he bluntly replied, "Out of stock."

At this, the lady immediately turned to leave the shop in disgruntlement.

It was then t...

I think the 80/20 principle applies to many things in life.

For instance, I'm drinking 80% of my recommended monthly intake tonight; therefore there's a 20% chance I'll be attending work this week.

An american soldier was talking to a soviet soldier.

The american says, "the great thing about America is that we have freedom of speech! For instance, I can go right into the white house, walk up to president Reagan and say, "Mr. President, I completely disagree with the way you are running this country!" The soviet soldier responds, "so what? I can ...

So much has changed my girlfriend told me she was pregnant

For instance my name, my address, my phone number..

Every Zodiac sign has a signature hairstyle

For instance, people with cancer are bald

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A young Native boy walks up to the cheif of his tribe...

...and asks, "Cheif, you how do you come up with the names for newborn children?"

The old Cheif is silent, looking at the boy in thought for a moment. Finally he says:

"After the child is delivered I step outside and name them after the first thing I see. For instance, if it's night, t...

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A Chinaman and a Jew were drinking in a bar

when all of a sudden the Jew knocks the Chinaman out of his barstool

Chinaman: “What’s that for?!!”

Jew: “That’s for Pearl Harbor!!”

Chinaman: “That wasn’t us, that was the Japanese!” To which the Jew replies, “Chinese, Japanese, Siamese. they’re all the same!”

They put t...

Two prisoners are talking in a Soviet gulag...

One says: "We're really cut off from the news here. For instance, I never found out the result of the Fischer-Spassky chess match."
The other one replies: "Oh, I lost."

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A convict's first day in prison.

It's a convicts first day in prison. He's a young convict and he's crying. An older convict comes over and sits down.

He says look it's not so bad here. For instance, do you like movies? The new guy says, "Yeah I love movies." Every Monday we have movie night, first run movie.

Do you ...

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A man got in trouble with the IRS

A man got in trouble with the IRS, because he had too much unexplained money in his bank account. So he called his lawyer and said he'd pick him up on the way to the IRS. When they enter the office, the agent says, "Sir, I'm afraid you're gonna have to explain how you have so much money in your acco...

A lot of comedians these days have a major issue with 'woke' people

Bill Cosby, for instance...

My dad told me this is why different branches of the military have so much trouble communicating.

They all have different vocabulary. For instance; "Secure that building."

Tell a marine that and he'll go kill everyone inside.

Tell a soldier and he'll put up razor wire, sandbags, and machine gun nests.

Tell a sailor and he'll go in and close and lock all the windows and door...

A man recently lost 28 pounds just eating chicken.

It’s the only recorded instance of one bird killing two stone.

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A wealthy man comes home and says to his wife...

"I lost my fortune in the stock market crash. We have to change our lifestyle. For instance, if you learn how to cook, we can fire the chef."

"All right" she says. "If you learn how to fuck, we can fire the gardener too."

A young couple finish their first date...

...and are heading back to their hotel room. As the man is about to open the door, the woman halts him and says, "Look, I can tell how you make love just by the way you open that door."

She continued, "For instance, my last date thrust the key into the lock and barged the door open. That show...

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An medical forensics professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students.

Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. “There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear.” Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse's anus, withdrew it, then licked his finger. “Now you must do the same,” he told the class. A...

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A man and his husband...

Were talking one evening over dinner when the more effeminate one expressed he was feeling a bit down in the dumps. The husband enquired as to what was happening...

Twink: “Well, I’m not feeling very ‘manly’ lately”.

Bear: “Oh hun, you are you and I love you, but why?”

Twink: si...

A man spots an empty beach as he frantically searches for a place to land his plane.

He's run out fuel but he is a skilled enough pilot to guide his aircraft down and gracefully crash into the sand. He comes in at a small angle and exits his vehicle without a scratch on him.

"Damn it, what could have gone wrong?" He ponders for a short while before he starts assessing the da...

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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.

As he settled in, he glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She tu...

A tourist in Hawaii is amazed at how healthy and invigorated he feels after just a few days into visiting the islands...

He strikes up a conversation with one of the locals while they are wading out into the crystal clear, warm surf on yet another perfect island day. "I just cant get over how beautiful this place is," the tourist says excitedly, "I feel great! I haven't felt this young and healthy in years! Island lif...

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“This is good!”

Once there was a king. His best friend was a commoner, a man who was the son of one of the royal housekeepers. They were of an age, and had grown up playing together in the palace gardens.

As they grew older, the king found himself more and more impressed with his friend’s ability to always ...

I love how when you hear certain music, it can really take you places.

For instance, the bar I'm currently in are playing Drake so I'm now going somewhere else.

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A priest is taking a cab home from church

A priest is taking a cab home from church after a long day of services. It's night and it's raining heavily. Suddenly the taxi hits a pothole. The driver mutters under his breath "Fuck!" Seconds later, they hit another pothole and the driver says "Shit!" The priest has finally had enough,

"So...

Astrological signs are a great way to see if two people are compatible.

For instance, if you volunteer your astrological sign in conversation, we can’t be friends.

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Two students were complaining about math class.

"I hate math. Well, I really just hate numbers." "What do you mean?" "Take seventeen, for instance. I hate seventeen. There's nothing good about seventeen." "What's so bad about seventeen?" "Nothing really. It's just a prime example."

You can tell a lot about a woman by her hands

For instance if they're placed around your throat she's probably upset.

Richard Pryor

Meta-meta-joke

# Joke

A joke is something funny because unpredicatable that makes people laugh, giggle or smile. This is a a joke :



>I met a shepherd, we talked about ewe.



The fact that it takes a second to realize that "we talked about ewe" sounds like the well known sente...

Sure, people may look down on me for being self-employed, but it certainly has some hidden perks.

For instance, my boss gives the best handjobs.

The US Military today confirmed that two marijuana users were killed when an aircraft crashed into a house shortly after takeoff.

Experts are saying it's the first recorded instance of killing two stoners with one bird.

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Mrs. Parker and Baroness Von Hildebrand

There's this woman, let's call her Mrs. Parker. She is on a flight from Frankfurt to London. She's tired, she's had a long day. She gets on the plane, goes to her seat in economy class, window seat. She makes herself comfortable and tries to get some sleep.

Another woman comes and sits next ...

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Two guys riding the train together start talking.

GUY 1: Did you ever try and say something but the words come out all wrong.

GUY 2: Nah, not really what are you talking about?

GUY 1: For instance when is was buying tickets for the train the clerk had a fantastic set of knockers. I get up there and I asked for a picket to Titsburg....

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A guy walks into a bar...

... and is almost inclined to leave again, since the place appears to be way beyond his budget. The in design is spot on and as fancy as can be, in the corner there is a little person playing the piano perfectly and every liquor, beer or other beverage you could name are all on offer. Also there are...

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Your ass says a lot about your personality

For instance, dumb-ass, smart-ass, crazy-ass, etc.

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A mom is setting up a chore-list for her kids...

She gets halfway through the month and realizes she has just one sticky note left. With plenty of time before she has to pick up the kids from school she decides to head over to office depot.
She arrives and is greeted by the doorman, Tom. Very polite local who she went to school with, tom is a ...

An Italian and A Greek debate culture.

An Italian and a Greek are debating the intellectual and cultural values of their respective countries. The Greek scoffs, "You Italians learned everything you know from us Greeks. For instance, we came up with the Classical Pantheon." The Italian replies, "Yes, but we improved upon everything you di...

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A German taxi driver was on his shift...

He is driving one of these Mercedes models that have the Mercedes emblem as a hood ornament.

A guy waves him down, so he stops and let him enter. It was a tourist, in town on his first trip to Germany. The driver asks: "So, how do you like our country?" The guy answers: "Oh, it's great. B...

A cornea, a female sheep, a tire and a nerd walk into a haunted house

The cornea bounces in first, making plenty of noise all throughout the house, and leaves terrified and satisfied.

The female sheep prances in next, and terrified bleeting can be heard by all, before she leaves in fear.

The tire rolls in next, making loud, frightened rubbery noises insi...

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Zodiac signs can tell a lot about your personality.

For instance, if you believe in them, you're an utter cunt.

It’s funny how words change meanings over time.

For instance, as a child you only visit the headmaster for punishment, but later on in life it’s actually a reward.

If you want to impress a girl...

...try complimenting her. For instance, "Wow, you're a fast runner! You nearly got away!"

Chess Joke

You know chess is like a mirror image of real life in a lot of ways. For instance the person playing as black doesn't always lose, but they generally have to work a lot harder.

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Ralph, the department store parrot

During its hayday, Goldfinches was a glorious department store, with gorgeous decorations, including a Aviary centerpiece, where Ralph held court. You see, Ralph had a special ability to detect what people wanted by their appearance, and he would tell them where to look for the thing they needed....

The last twenty five years have been a bizarre time to grow up.

For instance, i've lived through more 'Spiderman' re-boots than legitimate presidential elections.

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An eldery couple was discussing religion with their priest

*Eldery man*: [...] and you see, I get this impression that God lends me a hand every now and then.

*Priest*: Oh, well this is nice, but how can you tell?

*Eldery Man*: It's in the tiny things... Like, for instance, last night, I went to pee and when I opened the door, He turned the li...

Digging a hole in the garden.

Lock down has had some highs and lows. For instance, I've had a bit more time to spend in the garden while the weather was fine.
I was digging a hole one day and couldn't believe it when I found a large number of what I think are roman coins. I was so excited that I ran back into the house to te...

Billionaires and Christians have a lot in common.

For instance, just like Jesus, Jeffrey Epstein died for their sins.

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February 15th - the Aftermath reminded me of a joke

When I saw a [thread](http://imgur.com/yKGB2Z6) on the aftermath of Valentines Day it reminded me of a joke - goes like this.

Boy walks into a pharmacy and walks over near the condom aisle passing by a few time looking very nervous. The pharmacist, a male, decides to take mercy on him and wal...

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A man and his friend are having coffee one morning when the friend brings up the definition of a Freudian slip...

A man and his friend are having coffee one morning when the friend brings up the definition of a Freudian slip. The man asks what this "Freudian Slip" is and his friend describes it as this: "It's when you mean to say one thing, but another word comes out. For instance, the other day I was trying to...

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Yesterday, I got one of those extremely authentic, hyper-realistic sex dolls- and she’s so life-like it’s almost eerie!

For instance, as soon as I got her home last night she told me we should just be friends...

I love when people are super committed to carrying out a joke...

For instance, my parents told me I was a disappointment and kicked me out 4 years ago on April 1st. They haven’t spoken to me since.

A little Indian kid asks his father how the parents decide on a name for their children.

The father says, "Well, in the morning after children are consummated, the parents name the child after one of the first things they see when they leave the teepee. For instance your sister, Running Doe, or your brother, Proud Eagle. But why you ask, Two Dogs Screwing?"

Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face...

For instance, when you push them down the stairs.

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A Black man dies and goes to heaven...

A man named John dies and awakens at the gates of heaven. He is promptly judged as worthy and let in. John is led to his old childhood home and sees his wife waiting for him on the front porch, looking as beautiful as the day he met her. He's delighted to see her and they embrace.

So they sp...

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Brad was successful and mostly healthy, but he had one problem...

his eyes bulged out of their sockets.

It had started in his teens, and while it didn't cause him physical pain, he had to put up with constant teasing about looking like an insect. It didn't help his dating life either; most girls liked him as a person but found his appearance too strange to ...

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A Native American boy is sitting outside, and he looks really upset.

His father, concerned, comes up to him and asks, "Why are you upset, my son?"

The boy replies, "Well father, I'm just confused about the name you've given me."

He replies, "Well son, it is tradition to name our children after the first thing we see once they're born.

For instanc...

Grammar Lesson

Small mistakes in grammar and unfortunate uses of vocabulary can have a big impact. For instance:

Q.) What is the difference between "Having someone over for dinner" and "Having someone for dinner"?

A.) The number of place settings at the table.

A sailor has just signed up to join a Transatlantic trade crew for their latest voyage...

The rest of the crew have worked together for years, so he's the only newbie. Initially, it seems to be a pretty ordinary job.

However, after the initial work of loading the ship and leaving the harbor was done, he noticed something weird.

During lunch or dinner, whenever most of the c...

In life, sometimes it's not good to be very specific.

For instance, it's okay to say "I love kids" but it's frowned upon to say "I love 12 year olds."

Eating at McDonald's has plenty of health benefits.

For instance, it would prevent you from dying of old age.

In medical school, you really do learn something new every day...

...for instance, today I learned that it's inappropriate to refer to infertile people as "seedless".

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Reverend...how do I know God exists if I can't see Him?"

"You can feel Him from within."

"I don't understand."

"Well, for instance - can you see my cock at the moment?"

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Young men of reddit, do you plan on getting married someday? I tell you, marriage is a lot of work, but it's worth it. You will do things you never though yourself capable of...

For instance, someday, you'll fuck a fat woman.

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My girlfriend said I was very imaginative in the bedroom.

For instance, this morning I imagined I was going to have sex.

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Groundbreaking Study

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is...

It's interesting how different parts of the country have different ways of saying the same thing.

For instance, in most parts of the country, having an income of $100k or more is called "making six figures".

However, here in San Francisco, we call that same thing "living above the poverty line".

One thing kids like is to be tricked.

For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse.

"Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down."

He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke.

I started to drive over ...

Joe & Chester

Joe and Chester, two old-timers, are playing checkers. Joe says, "You know, Chester, as your next-door neighbor, I need to tell you somethin'. You should put up heavier curtains on your bedroom window."

"What makes you say that, Joe?"

"Well, sometimes at night I'll look over at your ...

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A fly on the river (bit lengthy, bit racy)

First post here. This is the only joke I know...bear with me as its a bit lengthy.

There was a fly buzzing along a river near the shore, exactly 3 inches above the water. It was preparing to descend onto the surface of the river when a fish happened to notice it. The fish thinks to itself, "...

Hey Reddit, what are your favorite kid jokes? You know, jokes that only kids tell each other.

There are a few I remember from my childhood, for instance:

How do you catch a seal?

Drill a hole in the ice and line the opening with peas.

When he comes out to take a pea,......grab him!

What did Mr. Spock find in Jim Kirk's toilet?

Captain's Log.

Where we...

Some plants have the prefix 'dog'

"Some plants," said the teacher, "have the prefix 'dog.' For instance, there is the dogrose, the dogwood, the dogviolet. Now name another plant prefixed by 'dog'."

"I can," shouted one of the students, "Collieflower!"

There are many opposites in this world.

For instance: my wife's computer just shut down. Now she won't shut up.

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So the little Native American boy asks his father...

..."Father, how did I get my name?"

His father said, "Son, in our tribe, when a child is born, the father walks outside the teepee and names the child after the first thing he notices. For instance, when your older brother was born, I walked out of the teepee and saw a majestic eagle flying o...

50 Cent goes to a small town for a concert and meets the mayor.

The mayor, being a fan and trying to be casual, offers to show him around town. Before long, he realizes that 50 cent seems to be a little off, because he is asking the mayor to identify inanimate objects. He points to a sewer, and the mayor says, "Sewer." He points to a streetlight, and the mayor p...

A magician has been working on a cruise ship

...doing the same act for
many years. The audiences like him,
and they change often enough that he
doesn't have to worry about finding
new tricks. But the captain's parrot
sits in the back row and watches him
night after night, year after year.

After a while, the parr...

Marriage defies gravity...

It's the only instance where a ring can block a hole...

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