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Usually Jokes

Why are hurricanes usually named after women?

Because when they come, they are wild and wet. But when they leave, they take your house and your car.

I usually ask people what LGBTQ means.

I never get a straight answer.

I don’t usually brag about going to expensive places

But I just left the gas station.

"I'm sorry" and "I apologise" usually mean the same thing

...except at a funeral

People are usually shocked...

when they find out I'm not a very good electrician.

[First Date] Her: I’m usually attracted to men with power.

Me: That’s great, I always pay my electric bill on time.

LPT: If you ever get cold and don't have a sweater, stand in a corner for a few minutes; they're usually about 90 degrees.

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

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Why do vampires usually pull out during sex?

They can't come inside without an invitation.

What time does Sean Connery usually play racket sports?

Ten-ish

I don’t usually steal utensils, but if I’m desperate…

It’s a whisk i’m willing to take.

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Instead of an LOL I usually SHIT

Silent haha in thought

I wouldn't say I'm a big drinker, I usually just have a glass of whiskey before bed

Last night I went to bed 8 times

I dont usually tell dad jokes

But when I do, he usually laughs

When people lose one sense, other senses usually get enhanced.

That is why individuals with no sense of Humor
have increased sense of self-importance and narcissism.

Usually when I get naked in the bath room

The shower gets turned on

Why are weddings in Alabama usually half price ?

Because they only use one side of the church

People usually hate on horror films, but the thing is...

A great example of the genre and a fantastic film overall

Why are husbands usually happier after age 60?

Because their mother in laws are usually dead by then.

Why do wives usually cook for their husbands?

Because according to the law all prisoners must be fed

How does Harry Potter usually get down a hill?

By walking.

JK. Rolling.

Why is it that burglars are usually armed?

Armless burglars can't get away with as much.

There are usually a hundred hens on a farm...

... and only one rooster. After all the rooster is just meant for mating, and useless apart from that.

One day, the farmer decided that the current rooster is getting old, and bought a new younger rooster in.

The old rooster, upon seeing the new, younger rooster, got angry.

"Wh...

Why do men usually die first?

Because we want to.

I’m not usually good at carnival games, but I won a stuffed knight at the county fair.

It was a Sir Prize

I usually dont get school shooting jokes.

Typically they are aimed at a younger audience.

Women usually call me ugly until they see how much I actually make

then they start calling me poor & ugly

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A pig's orgasm usually lasts 30 minutes...

Which is strange because my exes only lasted about 30 seconds.

What is big, long, red, spews a liquid from an opening, generates a lot of excitement among people, adults get to have a big one and children get to have a smaller one, makes people wet and is usually associated with "hot", and is related to/contains words that begin with F and end with U,C,K?

A firetruck :D

Coming up with a good Reddit post is usually pretty hard.

But today it’s a piece of cake!

People are usually shocked that I have a police record.

But I love their Greatest hits !

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A college professor gets offered a chance to teach sex education which is not what he usually teaches.

He’s a little embarrassed to tell his wife what he’s teaching so he tells her he’s teaching a class on sailing. A few months go by and his wife runs into a friend’s daughter who says, “I’m really enjoying your husbands class!”

The professor’s wife says, “Oh?…I’m surprised, he’s only done it o...

You usually don't get British Breakfast in Thailand..

but you will ocassionaly find two eggs and a sausage in places, where you were not even hoping for it.

I don't usually brag about my finances

But my credit card company calls me almost every day to tell me my balance is outstanding!

What is a 4-letter word ending in U-N-T that a woman can usually be called?

Aunt

A heart surgeon took his car to his local garage for a regular service, where he usually exchanged a little friendly banter with the owner, a skilled but not especially wealthy mechanic.

"So tell me," says the mechanic, "I've been wondering about what we both do for a living, and how much more you get paid than me.."
"Yes?.." says the surgeon.
"Well look at this," says the mechanic, as he worked on a big complicated engine, "I check how it's running, open it up, fix the valves...

I usually bench like 225, 230

or 3 o'clock depends what time I get to the gym

Why do men usually die before women?

Because it takes the women forever to get ready

What musical instrument is usually found in the bathroom?

Tuba Toothpaste

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How my mornings usually go

* Wake up


* Take a shit


* Get out of bed

I am usually not a fan of chest hair...

But its been growing on me lately.

Almost all the hotels I usually stay at are closed

I had to go with my last resort

I usually feed Tums to ants

Because it's like antacid to them.

I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59.

I really like that one-to-one time

I usually put my smartphone in my back pocket

now I’m a smart ass

What kind of neighborhood is Parmesan usually found in?

A grated community.

I don't usually greet working girls

But hey ho

Lions don't usually cannibalize, because they are proud creatures.

But sometimes they have to swallow their pride.

I don't usually joke about 9/11

because they have a tendency to crash and burn.

People don't usually compliment me on my driving...

But today I saw a note on my car that said "PARKING FINE". That was nice of them.

...

I'll escort myself out.

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I sometimes enjoy jerking off to religious porn but then I usually feel very ashamed....

...and have one of those come to Jesus moments.

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Men who can perform autofellatio are usually pretty arrogant.

They're often full of themselves.

Yo Mama so fat, when she breaks a plate…

It’s usually of the tectonic variety.

Why are Trump supporters usually first to the ballot box?

Because they’re always Russian

Why do twins usually know each others habits so well right from the moment of birth?

Because they have been wombmates for 9 months already!

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Not exactly a joke, butthe usually get a great reaction. Caution: not for use with those who lack basic math skills.

Pick a number from 1 to 9, but don't tell me what it is. Multiply that number by 9. If the the result is a two digit number, add the two digits together. Now subtract 5.

Where the letters of the alphabet correspond to the numbers 1 though 26, pick the letter associated with the number you hav...

What has one eye, is round and is usually hung?

A dartboard.

There's usually workers at supermarkets who temperature probe incoming deliveries

It's to make sure the temperature is below the required level and the produce hasn't spoiled.

They don't get paid for doing this, they just do it probe ono

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An elderly man starts getting usually horny one night.

So he rolls over on top of his wife and starts going at it. He tells his wife, "Francine, you feel nice and tight, but your boobs are bony, She responds, "YOU'RE ON MY BACK!"

What time do Elves usually meet?

Around Twelvish

I'm ashamed to say that this is OC

People usually think rolling a Natural 1 is a total disaster

But apparently the real disaster is Roll20.

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How deep is the average vagina usually?

Deep enough to take your house, car, kids and life.

Why are failed lawyers usually alcoholics?

They couldn’t pass the bar

I don't usually lay down

I'm not gonna lie

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I don't usually make anal sex jokes...

...butt fuck it

When I go into a drug store, the pharmacist is usually high.

Why are many drug stores constructed with the area behind the counter a few steps higher than the rest of the store?

My X-ray technician told me she usually doesn't go on dates with her patients...

...but she saw something in me.

On a daily basis, what usually goes through an American student's mind?

Bullets.

People with synesthesia shouldn't usually get bothered when people swear a lot.

To them, everyone has colorful language.

Couples usually break up after 7 days

Because they have a week relationship at that point

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I usually like telling jokes,

But I always seem to punch up the fuckline.

Indian parents don't usually throw surprise parties for their kids...

But when they do, it's called an ARRANGED MARRIAGE.

Women are like parking spots. Usually, the best ones are taken...

So when no one's looking, stick in the disabled one.

Usually, the speed of light is faster than the speed of sound..

On the road it's the other way around as you can hear the car horn before the lights turn green

I usually charge for my roof jokes...

But the first ones on the house.

I don't usually open Siri

But when I do it's because I fat-fingered the delete key on my Macbook.

How many sculpting tools does Snoop Dogg usually use?

Four chisel, my nizzle...

People are currently shooting fireworks off in my neighborhood. I'm usually all for shooting fireworks to celebrate the founding of the greatest nation on Earth, but come on...

Canada Day was yesterday!

Slapping someone usually wakes them up, but slapping them harder can make them fall asleep....

What if you slap them harder while they're sleeping?
They sleep 2x better?

Some people usually say my jokes are reposts

But those are their words, not mine.

People usually tell me everyone has a beautiful side.

Now I think I am a circle.

What time do people usually wake up with toothache

Tooth hurty

I usually close my eyes when I kiss girls.

Not as much pepper spray gets in that way.

What blood type do optimists usually have?

B positive

At what age does a secret agent usually get interested in BDSM?

Bond age

I usually sit on a computer 12 hours a day now… I think its bad for my health

I should sit on a chair.

I'm usually exited for winter...

But then I get cold feet.

I usually spend holidays at the brothel

I don't have any family in town, so I might as well make some money.

What grade did Tommy Wisaeu usually get in school?

A high mark.

What song do friends with benefits usually play?

You've got a friend in me.

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Lesson: The Asshole is usually the one in-charge

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all ov...

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