I don’t usually brag about going to expensive places

But I just left the gas station.

I don’t usually tell dad jokes…

But when I do he laughs.

What is big, long, red, spews a liquid from an opening, generates a lot of excitement among people, adults get to have a big one and children get to have a smaller one, makes people wet and is usually associated with "hot", and is related to/contains words that begin with F and end with U,C,K?

A firetruck :D

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I sometimes enjoy jerking off to religious porn but then I usually feel very ashamed....

...and have one of those come to Jesus moments.

Why do twins usually know each others habits so well right from the moment of birth?

Because they have been wombmates for 9 months already!

Why are hurricanes usually named after women?

Because when they come, they are wild and wet. But when they leave, they take your house and your car.

I usually ask people what LGBTQ means.

I never get a straight answer.

People who act all intellectually superior by ending their thoughts with a Latin phrase—- usually have no idea what they are doing.

Et al.

Almost all the hotels I usually stay at are closed

I had to go with my last resort

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Why do vampires usually pull out during sex?

They can't come inside without an invitation.

You usually don't get British Breakfast in Thailand..

but you will ocassionaly find two eggs and a sausage in places, where you were not even hoping for it.

People are usually shocked

when they find out I'm not a good electrician

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How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers ...

I usually sit on a computer 12 hours a day now… I think its bad for my health

I should sit on a chair.

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An All Time Classic Joke

*A businessman is getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knows his wife is always horny, so he decides to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her screwing someone else.*

*So he went to a store that sold sex toys and starte...

What's the meal that the people at NASA usually skip?

Launch.

What musical instrument is usually found in the bathroom?

Tuba Toothpaste

A friendly reminder that gyms get really busy around the new year as people make their resolutions

So it’s best to wait for it to die down, usually around January 2nd

Coming up with a good Reddit post is usually pretty hard.

But today it’s a piece of cake!

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What do train sets and breasts have in common?

They're intended for children, but it's usually the adults who end up playing with them

Slapping someone usually wakes them up, but slapping them harder can make them fall asleep....

What if you slap them harder while they're sleeping?
They sleep 2x better?

We usually get half a day off for Good Friday, but there hasn't been an announcement this year, so I tracked down my boss and asked...

"Do we still get off Friday for Jesus day?"


He replied, "No, we only get off a half day for Good Friday."


And all I said was, "You know, if he would have stayed dead, we could have taken the whole day off, but now we have to give half of it back."


And that, my friend...

Races between Myanmar and Laos

Are usually Thais

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A man walks into an exotic car dealership and sees a brand new Lamborghini Aventador for only 1000 dollars

The man walks to the salesman and asks him "hey am I reading that correctly? Only one thousand dollars? Don't those usually go for 200 grand whereabouts? What's the catch?"

The car salesman replies, "Not really. Only 14 miles on the odometer, got the twin turbo V12, but due to a defect with t...

Why do men usually die first?

Because we want to.

People are currently shooting fireworks off in my neighborhood. I'm usually all for shooting fireworks to celebrate the founding of the greatest nation on Earth, but come on...

Canada Day was yesterday!

I can guess what people do for a living just by looking at their hands.

I mean, I'm usually wrong. But, I can guess.

A Muslim guy was traveling without a ticket in train.

Something different but quite funny.

(Little context: Muslim prayer unit is called Rikat it takes around 2 minutes. usually, prayers go in sets of 2 or4 rikat, and then in each prayer time, you do 1 to 2 sets. so in total 5 to 10 minutes, with each set you have to call out the number of rikat...

I had a job interview the other day and the interviewer says to me ‘How would you usually describe yourself at work?’

I said ‘With words, but today I’m going to use interpretive dance’

People are usually shocked that I have a police record.

But I love their Greatest hits !

I usually dont get school shooting jokes.

Typically they are aimed at a younger audience.

I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59.

I really like that one-to-one time

When I go into a drug store, the pharmacist is usually high.

Why are many drug stores constructed with the area behind the counter a few steps higher than the rest of the store?

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A little old lady schedules a consultation with a high-class lawyer.

She says to the lawyer, “That bitch Linda from down the street stole my pastry recipe! Now she’s selling MY recipe at the church bake sale and telling everyone it’s hers! I want to file suit for theft of my intellectual property!”

The lawyer patiently hears her story, and replies, “Ma’am, I’m...

I usually put my smartphone in my back pocket

now I’m a smart ass

Door to door baby photographer

After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jacobs kissed his wife and said 'I'm off to work, Lydia. The guy should be here soon.'

Wouldn't you know it, a door-to-door baby...

A woman is walking in a park when she sees two men working.

One man digs a hole, the other fills it back in. The two men go to another spot, the first man digs another hole, and the second man fills it back in. They then go to another spot. Again, the first man digs a hole and the second man fills it back in. They keep doing this for a while until finally th...

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A pig's orgasm usually lasts 30 minutes...

Which is strange because my exes only lasted about 30 seconds.

Espresso usually helps to calm my mood

but today I lost my tamper.

Where should you go in the room if you’re feeling cold?

The corner—they’re usually 90 degrees.

A Man And A Woman Get Into An Argument About Infidelity

The man is suspicious of his wife so he starts interrogating her asking her question after question.

The wife answers every question truthfully and even calls her friends or coworkers so that they can confirm too.

But this wasn't enough for her husband so he keeps on arguing and askin...

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A little lizard is walking along a tree branch...

Something wonderful hit his nostrils. It was unlike anything he had ever smelled before. He followed the scent to another branch where he saw his friend, the Koala Bear, smoking the fattest joint he had ever seen.

"Damn, K-Bear, that's the dankest weed I've ever smelled!" said the lizard....

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When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend was cooking breakfast in nothing than a T-shirt... ...when I came downstairs, she told me she needed me to have sex with her right away...

Needless to say I was thrilled, so we did it right there in the kitchen...

...she immediately went back to cooking... we didn't usually do stuff like that, so I hesitantly asked, "so...what was that all about?"

She said, "I had 5 minutes left on the casserole, but the timer broke."

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A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York and laid down on the back seat.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.

He made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back at him and said, “What’s wrong with you, honey? Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?”

The old Jewish driver answered, “Let me ...

"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" usually mean the same thing

...except at a funeral

How does Harry Potter usually get down a hill?

By walking.

JK. Rolling.

Son of a…

A birch tree and a beech tree stood next to each other in the woods. They were tall old trees, and usually got on quite well.

One day they noticed a little sapling between them, far below. The birch noticed first and said “Hey beech! Check out that little son of a birch down there!”
...

Lions don't usually cannibalize, because they are proud creatures.

But sometimes they have to swallow their pride.

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I ejaculated six feet earlier.

Strange, usually I ejaculate semen.

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Some people must be suffering from mental diarrhea...

...because every time they say they have an idea, it's usually shit.

I was going to tell a joke about sodium, but NA. I usually follow it up with a joke about chloride

But it makes people salty.

Usually, the speed of light is faster than the speed of sound..

On the road it's the other way around as you can hear the car horn before the lights turn green

What do people who live in trailer parks and spiders have in common?

The males are usually only half the females size.

I just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for my wife.

I usually smoke Marlboro but hey... a deal's a deal.

Help Requested

A man walks into a sperm bank and declares, "I'm a star athlete, and have an I.Q. of 165, and I'd like to make a donation." The nurse gives him a sealed cup and directs him to a private room.

Twenty minutes later, the man hasn't come out, the nurse knocks on the door. "Is there a problem?" Th...

Why do men usually die before women?

Because it takes the women forever to get ready

Termite Food

So I work in a retail store where we routinely have shipments of freight arriving on wooden skids. A truck driver will come by every week or so, and pick up the empty skids so they can be reused.

Out of curiosity, I asked the driver if he ever worried about termites getting into his trailer....

I usually bench like 225, 230

or 3 o'clock depends what time I get to the gym

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A nun walks into a bar

Everyone else in the bar starts staring at her, but they were silent.

The nun is confused about it and starts walking towards the bartender.

"Hey uhm why are they staring at me like that?" she asks the bartender

"Well we don't usually get nuns around here" the barkeep replies...

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Men who can perform autofellatio are usually pretty arrogant.

They're often full of themselves.

There's usually workers at supermarkets who temperature probe incoming deliveries

It's to make sure the temperature is below the required level and the produce hasn't spoiled.

They don't get paid for doing this, they just do it probe ono

What do you call the Avenger that's not really part of the main group and usually only plays a small role in their missions?

Peripheral Vision

#

Why are Trump supporters usually first to the ballot box?

Because they’re always Russian

LPT: If you ever get cold and don't have a sweater, stand in a corner for a few minutes; they're usually about 90 degrees.

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

What kind of neighborhood is Parmesan usually found in?

A grated community.

Given that the “logy” ending usually means the study of something such as in “paleontology”...

Do you think that the first analogy was discovered by a proctologist?

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An auld fella from the west coast of Scotland is staying at a bed and breakfast in Cornwall.

On the first morning of his stay, the proprietor serves him a full English breakfast (sausages, bacon, black pudding, beans, mushrooms, tomatoes, fried slice and two pieces of bread and butter).

Later, as he’s about to go out, the proprietor asks him was the breakfast all to his liking.
...

A taxi driver usually picked up his passengers from red light districts (area of escort houses and prostitution).

One day while waiting for passenger, a completely naked girl with no single piece of cloth on her body gets inside the cab at mid night. The girl says to the driver, "Take me to this .... address please". The driver turns back and looks at the girl top to bottom curiously. The girl asks," Is somethi...

What has one eye, is round and is usually hung?

A dartboard.

Women are like parking spots. Usually, the best ones are taken...

So when no one's looking, stick in the disabled one.

A solar panel and a wind turbine are taking about music

Wind turbine: So what are you into?

Solar panel: Whatevers hot, but usually I prefer light stuff, how about you?

Wind turbine: I'm a huge metal fan

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Two fishermen, George and Ted, were leaving the docks one morning when they saw a gorgeous naked woman sitting on a rock. The woman was singing in a lovely soprano voice and doing nothing to cover her perfect breasts.

Figuring the woman was a mermaid, they rowed their boat over to her.

"You have such a gorgeous voice," said George. "Are you a mermaid?"

"Yes," replied the mermaid. "Whenever a mermaid sees a human she likes, she usually grants him three wishes. But since there are three of us, I think...

People with synesthesia shouldn't usually get bothered when people swear a lot.

To them, everyone has colorful language.

People usually hate on horror films, but the thing is...

A great example of the genre and a fantastic film overall

frustrated

When you have frost on your windows and can't see out of them you usually get pretty frostrated...

An English lady, while vacationing in Switzerland, fell in love with a small town and the surrounding countryside.

She asked the pastor of a local church if he knew of any houses with rooms to rent that were close to town, but out in the country. The pastor kindly drove her out to see a house with a room to rent. She loved the house and decided to rent the room. Then, the lady returned to her home in England to ...

Teacher in class asks riddles. She asks little Johnny:

"It's a small animal with 4 legs. What is it?"

Little Johnny says: "Dog."

Teacher replies: "But could be a cat too. Alright, another one. It's a long, thin animal with no legs."

Little Johnny: "A snake."

Teacher: "Could be. But could also be an eel."

Little Johnny:...

When a guy walks into a room full of other guys he usually comments on how its a sausage fest...

So I wonder do girls walk into a room full of girls and comment on how its a fish fest or total clam jam?

I usually feed Tums to ants

Because it's like antacid to them.

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Redneck book of manners.....

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.


2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.


3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.


4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.


5. Even if you're ...

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An elderly man starts getting usually horny one night.

So he rolls over on top of his wife and starts going at it. He tells his wife, "Francine, you feel nice and tight, but your boobs are bony, She responds, "YOU'RE ON MY BACK!"

My son, who’s into astronomy…

My son, who’s into astronomy asked me how stars die.
I told him usually because of an overdose.

I asked the girl in the paper shop "Do you keep stationery?" and she said "Usually,"

"but if I'm really getting into it I sometimes wriggle a bit."

Why do vaccinated people don't appreciate a Covid joke

They usually just don't get it

I’m repairing my Quidditch equipment with some glue and a sewing kit. Quaffles I can usually fix by gluing them,

but Snitches get stitches

At what age does a secret agent usually get interested in BDSM?

Bond age

What time does Sean Connery usually arrive at Wimbledon?

Tennish.

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A Bear shitting in the woods.

A bear is having a shit when a rabbit hops by. The bear asks the rabbit if he has problems with shit sticking to his fur. The rabbit replies no not usually. Then the bear grabbed him and wiped his ass with him.

After boasting to her mother about how great she is at doing head stands, Susan was advised not to practice it in her new school since her underwear is usually exposed.

Susan was proud at her achievement after her first day and was eager to tell Mum about the great audience of boys she attracted at school when showing off her skills.


Mother reminded her about exposing her panties of which Susan replied, "No Mum they were not seeing my panties."
...

My boyfriend likes to keep the house freezing. I hate it because I’m always cold, but he gave me a suggestion.

He said to stand in the corner since it’s usually 90 degrees over there.

When people lose one sense, other senses usually get enhanced.

That is why individuals with no sense of Humor
have increased sense of self-importance and narcissism.

On a daily basis, what usually goes through an American student's mind?

Bullets.

A heart surgeon took his car to his local garage for a regular service, where he usually exchanged a little friendly banter with the owner, a skilled but not especially wealthy mechanic.

"So tell me," says the mechanic, "I've been wondering about what we both do for a living, and how much more you get paid than me.."
"Yes?.." says the surgeon.
"Well look at this," says the mechanic, as he worked on a big complicated engine, "I check how it's running, open it up, fix the valves...

John goes fishing on a lake in America where it's usually illegal to go fishing.

He just filled up the bucket when he suddenly gets approached by a police officer.

"Mr. John, it's illegal to fish here" said the police officer "I'm going to have to fine you".

"You don't understand" said John "These are my fish."

The police officer is puzzled by this.

...

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What do you call the degree of heat present in a typical japanese dish usually consisting of seafood, meat and vegetables that have been battered and deep fried?

Tempurature.

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