John, Paddy and Scott are on a trip in Saudi Arabia.

Paddy is driving his little red car, which has seen better days. John and Scott are drunk in the back.

Suddenly, ahead of them, they see an oil well on fire.
The firefighters are unsuccessfully trying to extinguish the flames.

Paddy drives straight over the well, blocking the oxygen...

A physicist, a chemist and an activist stay at a hotel (OC)

And suddenly, it starts burning in the hotel. The physicist grabs the nearest fire extinguisher and extinguishes the fire from the bottom. The chemist, knowing that fire needs oxygen to burn, grabs the nearest fire-proof blanket and covers the fire with it. The activist sees the fire and starts yell...

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician spend the night in the same hotel.

At midnight, the engineer is awakened by the smell of smoke. He takes a step down the hall and sees a small fire. Thinking fast, he dumps his wastebasket, fills it with water, and puts out the flames. Satisfied, he goes back to bed.

Later on, the physicist is also awakened by the smell of sm...

A farmer has a wife who loves to correct him.

One day, he asks her if he can invite his friend Billy over for dinner. "Don't say Billy," she chastises, "say William."

After they eat dinner, he asks William if he can tell him a tale. "Don't say tale," the wife says, "say anecdote."

When the farmer is about to go to bed, he realizes...

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An old lady walks into a sex shop

An old lady walks into a sex shop. She looks around, and looks around, and keeps looking.

Eventually she tells the clerk: “show me that red one”
He replies: “that’s the fire extinguisher”

If Alex Jones and Chris Brown were both on fire and you only had one fire extinguisher...

Where would you hide it?

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are staying in a hotel.

The engineer wakes up and smells smoke. He goes out into the hallway and sees a fire, so he fills a trashcan from his room with water and douses the fire. He goes back to bed.

Later, the physicist wakes up and smells smoke. He opens his door and sees a fire in the hallway. He walks down the h...

A collection of math jokes

A big, muscly man enters the bar, slams the counter and says in a deep voice: I want 10 times more beer than everyone here is having.

The bartender says: Now thats an order of magnitude


---------------/


An infinite number of mathematicians enter a bar. The first asks for...

A fire hydrant with a suit walks into a bar

The barman says “you look quite extinguished”

Why do Spanish-speakers only use the fire extinguisher when they burn the cheese?

Because they were told, “only use in queso emergency”

In a hotel a engineer, a physicist and a mathematician...

... are sleeping when a fire breaks out.

The engineer wakes up, notices the fire, grabs the next fire extinguisher and starts spraying.... After what seems hours of heroic fighting the fire is gone and he goes to sleep again.

But the fire breaks out again. The physicist wakes up, notic...

A viola player goes into a music shop

The shop assistant asks what he would like and the viola player says "Well, I've been playing the viola for years and I'm getting really tired of everyone pointing and laughing and acting like I don't know the first thing about music, so I'm thinking about taking up another instrument".

"Do y...

My teacher told us not to use the elevator in case of a fire.

"Of course," I replied, rolling my eyes. "We'll use the fire extinguisher."

One dark night in Dublin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant . . .

In a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the...

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Pissed-off drummer is tired of people saying he's not a real musician.

Goes to the music store and says, "I'll show
'em. Gimme that red trumpet and that accordion."

Music store guy says, "You can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator has to stay."

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An engineer, physicist, and a statistician in a hotel room...

So an engineer, a physicist, and a statistician are all sleeping in a hotel room when suddenly an outlet catches fire. The engineer wakes up first and says to himself "this is an electrical fire, water won't work!" And runs to grab a fire extinguisher. The physicist wakes up next and thinks to himse...

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During an ecumenical assembly, a secretary rushed in shouting, “The building is on fire!”

The Methodists prayed in a corner.
The Baptists wondered where they could find water. The Quakers quietly praised God for the blessings that fire brings.
The Lutherans posted a notice on the door announcing the fire was evil.
The Roman Catholics passed the plate to cover the cost of the ...

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An old woman walked into a sex toy shop...

She wandered in the shop for a couple of minutes and finally she stopped and asked the vendor: How much is this one? He replied: Ma'am, that's a fire extinguisher.

This is my dad's (a math major) favourite joke. What's the difference between an Engineer and a Mathematician?

A mathematician and an engineer are living together in a dorm when a fire starts in their room.

The mathematician wakes up and sees the fire. He quickly scans the room and sees a fire extinguisher and goes back to bed, happy knowing a solution exists.

The engineer wakes up, sees the f...

An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a statistician all walk into different rooms, each containing a bucket of water and a garbage can that is on fire.

The engineer walks into his room. He sees the fire, then sees the bucket. He immediately grabs the bucket and dumps the whole thing on the fire to put it out.

The physicist walks into his room and sees the fire and bucket. He takes out a sheet of paper and calculates exactly how much water he...

What's the difference between a physicist and an engineer?

An engineer and a physicist are roommates. One day a fire starts in the kitchen. The engineer is the only one home. He hears the alarm jumps out of bed grabs the fire extinguisher off the wall and puts out the fire and goes back to bed.

The next night a fire starts in the kitchen again. ...

A young man walks into a record store and asks the clerk, “Do you have anything by the Doors?”

“Sure,” replies the clerk, “a mop bucket and a fire extinguisher.”

I invented a new game similar to rock paper scissors.

You have 3 cards with a color on one side and white on the other.

You and your opponent choose a card, show it face down (white part), and simultaneously switch it to know the winner.

Every player has 3 cards of 3 different colors, representing some natural elements: Blue, Red and Bro...

What award do you give a firefighter?

Most extinguished

First day on the job

Jimmy's first day at the adult store went splendid. Until the only other staff member got a call and promptly leaves for an emergency and tells him to 'hold down the fort'. In spite of the initial panic, the first two sales go easily. The third customer comes in and Jimmy greets them confidently....

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So a nymphomaniac walks into a sex shop....

After a while she turns to the clerk and says "I'll take the red one"

The clerk says "it's not for sale."

When she asks why he says "Ma'am, that's a fire extinguisher."

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A Woman walks into a sex shop to buy a dildo

"I want that one.." She points to a massive display of dildos on the wall.


The manager picks up one of the best sellers: "This is one of our popular models. It feels very real."


She points back to the wall & says.."No. I want that one..." So, the manager picks up another on...

I went to a record shop to buy my dad a new vinyl, I said “what’ve you got by the doors?”

He said “a bucket of sand and a fire extinguisher”



- Tim Vine

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A famous sausage factor gets set on fire.

The flames quickly grew out of control and all near by fire departments are called. The owner of the factory told the firemen that his secret sausage recipe was stored in a vault inside. He proclaimed that the first department to fight off the fire and get the recipes would get a 50000 $ reward. All...

A mathematician is in a burning hotel room.

When he spots the fire extinguisher, he says, “ok, the problem is solvable” and goes back to sleep.

A chemist, an engineer and a mathematician were all asleep in a hotel when several fires broke out in their respective rooms....

The engineer woke up, saw the fire, ran into the bathroom, turned on the faucets full-blast, flooding out the entire apartment, which put out the fire, and went back to sleep.

The chemist woke up, saw the fire, ran over to his desk, pulled out his CRC (chemistry handbook), and began working o...

a chemist, a physicist and a mathematician sleep at a hotel.

Suddenly a fire breaks out.
The chemist in his hotel room panics, look around him, sees the fire extinguisher, successfully extinguishes the fire and leaves the hotel.
The physicist in his room panics as well, looks around him, sees the window, looks outside, sees a swimming pool. he does...

A group of Nuns opened a Flower Shop.

The Nuns started selling small bouquets, and after some success moved on to larger arrangements. Their business grew enough that they were eventually the only place in a ten kilometer radius to sell flowers; and gathered a monopoly on the market.
One day, a couple of Friars opened another green...

Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson were going camping.

They set up their tent, started a campfire, and laid down their sleeping bags inside of the tent. After a few hours of playing cards and joking by the fire, they extinguished the fire and went to sleep. Holmes awoke Watson in the middle of the night and they looked up at the starry night sky.
...

An illuminated joke

A physicist and an engineer were roommates in college. One night a fire broke out in their apartment. The engineer woke up first and saw the fire. He remembered the fire extinguisher in every unit, grabbed it and pulled the pin, as instructed, and sprayed the fire with the sodium bicarbonate contain...

Have you heard about Terry the tractor lover?

He was the ultimate tractor enthusiast, his bedroom was plastered with tractor posters, his bed was adorned with a tractor bed spread, tractor toys littered the floor and tractor maintenance DVDs dominated his shelves.

Shortly after Terry's 18th birthday (where he of course had a tractor bir...

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"I'll take the red one."

A woman enters an adult toy store. She wanders around a bit, looking at lingerie and videos and magazines. She spends a long time at the section selling dildos, carefully examining packages and peering into display cases.

Finally, she approaches the sales counter. The clerk asks her, "Have yo...

Trump, Putin the Pope and Kim Jong-Un travelling by the sam airplane

The plane's engines are sudenly stopped, and they starts to falling. They have only three parachutes. The first one is grabbed by Trump and he sais: "I'm the most important person on Earth, I have to survive" and he jumps. The other one is grabbed by Kim Jong-Un and he sais: "I'm the mastermind, I'm...

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A blonde walks into a sex shop NSFW

A blonde walks into a sex shop. She asks the store assistant 'How much are these vibrators?'
The store assistant goes: 'Well, we have some for $50, these are $100, $120...'
The blonde then asks: 'What about that big red one?'
'Ooh... we don't sell that one.'
'But why??'
'Because it's ...

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The oil fire.

Several decades ago, there was an oil tycoon. He discovered one morning, that one of his largest oil wells had burst and caught fire costing him large amounts of money by the minute. He quickly called all the large fire departments for miles around, offering thirty thousand dollars to the department...

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An aspiring oil tycoon's oil rig catches fire...

A company immediately shows up to the scene and offers to extinguish the fire and repair his oil rig for $100,000,000. The oil tycoon says, "Hell, at $100,000,000 I'll let the damn thing burn itself out and retire on what I've already made". The next day another company shows up at his door offering...

As a young man, I used to love my birthday parties

, but now anytime my birthday candles are lit state law requires that a fire extinguisher be present.

The mathematician awakens, and finds another fire in the hallway.

He looks out the door, then goes back to bed. The house ends up burning down, but the physicist and engineer manages to save the mathematician. When asked why he didn't put out the fire, he says: "I saw the fire, I saw the extinguisher, the solution was trivial."

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A man walks into a bar and opens his suitcase revealing a million dollars in cash.

"I'll give this million dollars to the first person who can sing "Auld Lang Syne" and give me head at the same time."

Immediately people started a stampede, men, women and children all alike, towards the mans crotch. They whipped his dick out and started battling over who gets to do the "perf...

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The sex shop!

A guy opens a sex shop in a conservative area. In the opening day, an old lady walks in and starts yelling at him. She's telling him how wrong it is to open such a shop in this area. She said that this goes against the traditions and how it will influence the community in a bad way.

The owner...

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I just wanted a drink.

Stopped at Speedway to buy a drink. When I pulled in, I noticed these two cops watching a woman who was smoking while fueling up. I'm thinking, "Wow...what an idiot! The police are standing right there!"
I go in and get my drink. As I was paying, I hear someone scream, "Look outside!" OMG!! The w...

Match at the Gas Station

On his first day working at the gas station, John watched a senior co-worker measure the level of gasoline in the underground tanks by lowering a giant measuring stick down into them.
"What would happen if I threw a lit match into the hole?" John said as a joke.
"It would go out," the co-worke...

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Three American salesmen were caught in a Middle Eastern harem.

One tried to explain "A cab driver told us this was a cat house and snuck us in the back door."

"No excuses!" the Emir shouted. "Any man who enters my harem must pay dearly!"

He then became very thoughtful. "If you were my people, you would be put to death at once. But tensions are hi...

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A woman goes into a sex shop to buy a vibrator...

She says to the guy behind the counter "give me that red one behind you" he goes "sorry a fire extinguisher"

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician

An engineer wakes up one night and sees a fire in his wastebasket. Panicking, he leaps out of bed in only his robe and slippers, kicks over the wastebasket, and stomps out the flames, spreading ash and cinders all over his bedroom.

A physicist wakes up one night and sees a fire in his wasteb...

A Professor of Mathematics and a Professor of Physics are in the staff room ...

A Professor of Mathematics and a Professor of Physics are in the staff room when the coffee machine bursts into flames. The Physics Professor jumps up, grabs the fire extinguisher and extinguishes the flame. The Mathematics Professor watches the whole thing without any reaction.

Years lat...

An engineer, a physicist and a statistician are on vacation ..

...staying in a hotel, when a fire breaks out.

As a fire squad enter the engineer's room they see that he's already at work, broken the electric supply and dousing the fire with a bucketful of water.

So they go to the physicist's room; he greets them with a broad smile and a mathemati...

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A 70 year old woman walks into a sex shop...

..And asks the shopkeeper:

" -Do you happen to have any vibrators?"

" -Yes ma'am, they're on that shelf."

" -Mmmm, I think I'll take the red one."

" -It's the shelf above the fire extinguisher, ma'am."

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A woman goes to a sexshop and asks, "Where are the dildos?" and the attendant replies, pointing, "On that wall over there." The lady says, "I'll take that red one."

The attendant replies, "No, ma'am, I meant the wall *next* to the fire extinguisher."

Tough choice in Florida governor's race...

Charlie Crist and Rick Scott are standing at opposite ends of a theater when both men spontaneously burst into flames and there's only one fire extinguisher in the entire building!

Where would you hide the fire extinguisher?

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An elderly woman enters the sex store...

and asks to see the dildos.

"Right along that wall, ma'am!" says the storekeeper.

She looks over the selection, then says to the man "I want that red one on the end."

He replies "That's a fire extinguisher!"

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