Every Week Jokes - 48 Hilarious Every Week Jokes

My wife has evil lessons with Satan every week.

I don’t know how much she charges,

A guy rides his motorcycle through the border from Spain to France every week carrying two bags of sand.

The border guard searched the bags every time, but never found anything, so he had to let him through. The guard has his last day at work before retiring and the guy comes to the border again, carrying his two bags of sand. The guard says "look, man, it's my last day, I'm not going to bust you. You...

Two elderly couples get together to play bridge every week.

The ladies are in the kitchen making snacks and the old guys are talking. One says to the other "we went to see a movie last week and it was excellent but I can't remember the name of it. I thinks it's uhhh... what's the name of the flower with the red petals and the thorns?" His friend answers "a r...

My father would take me to the zoo every week.

Said he hoped my real parents would claim me.

This simple change in lifestyle will help you lose 2 pounds every week!

Just invest in the British stock market

French Star Wars fans have something to look forward to every week....

Each Thursday is the Return of the Jeudi.

I used to go to church every week...

But then they stopped ordering pizza from us.

Why wife gets mad because I donate so much money every week to help support single moms.

She says I'm just using it as an excuse to go to the strip club

A dad told his 15 year old son that he would buy him a car…

…in 6 months on his 16th birthday if he (the son) got a job, made all “A’s” in school, started going to church every week and cut his hair. The son agreed to do all four things.

Six months go by and the dad told his son, “Son, you got a job, you are going to church every Sunday and are making...

My wife volunteers every week as a school crossing guard.

I tell everyone she’s into human trafficking.

What does a polygamist family have for dessert every week?

Birthday Cake

Posh dad Joke: Every week I’d have a shoe stolen after gym

Like, could be a school shoe or a trainer or a rugby boot. Every week I had one stolen. It would be returned the next day or be at lost property but every week I lost a shoe.

After weeks of this happening I told my dad. He looked me in the eye and said “every week, you have a shoe stolen. Are...

There's a holiday for me every week.

But my parents still don't celebrate Sunday.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently Donald Trump gets sent, on average, two dog shits in the mail every week.

All I want to know is, who’s sending the other one?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The guy with 5 Penises gets a prostate exam every week....

The Doc wasn't happy he came again this time either.

Every week, I'm happy to say that a recycling truck takes my garbage.

But I prefer /r/jokes where trash gets recycled almost every single day.

Blind people earn more every week than a sighted person.

There's always little bumps in their salary.

There is this guy on a motorcycle that takes two bags of sand over the France/Spain border every week.

The bags get investigated every week by the border police but he can never find anything wrong with the bags. After about two years of this happening the border police has to ask.

"Sir," the border police stops the man as he came by again, "this is my last day on the job and I will not tell a...

I was angry at my roommate for buying a new thesaurus every week

So i told her "Enough is enough!"

Why did the two guy friends hang out every week?

Because it was a mandate.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't understand why everyone thinks the KKK are racist.

Every week at our meetings there's always tons of black people hanging around.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window. He rang the bell but nobody answered so he opened the door to see an old lamp lying near broken glass and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch

Dylan asked, "Who are you?" The fat man replied, "I am a genie you have freed from that lamp."

Dylan questioned, "Oh man, do I get three wishes?" The genie replied, "Since you freed me by accident you only get two and I get one."

Dylan thought about it and realized what he wanted, "I w...

A physicist goes into an ice cream parlor every week...

He always orders an ice cream sundae and offers one to the empty stool next to him.

One day, the owner of the shop asks the physicist, "Why do you do that?"

The physicist replies, "Well, quantum mechanics teaches us that there is a chance that the matter above this stool will spontaneo...

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem, the captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show:

"Look, it's not the same hat!"

"Look, he's hiding the flowers unde...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A redditor walks in to bar...

The bartender says, "what'll you have?"

"It's been so long since I've had a good laugh", replies the redditor. "I'll give you $100 if you can tell me a joke I haven't heard before."

"That sounds easy enough", replies the bartender.

"I should warn you", the redditor says, "I b...

I feel sorry for the guys who regularly go to strip clubs...

Every time I go I think, "Man, I see some of these losers here every week."

It seems like every week there's another headline about scientists finding a promising treatment that cures cancer in mice.

If these guys worked on curing cancer in humans instead we'd probably have it licked by now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hero comes to a village...

The villagers all looks very upset, so the hero ask what happen. "There is a huge dragon living in the mountain. Every week, it will come down and eat one of our virgin girls" the villager reply. The hero then promise to help. Two weeks later, the dragon starved to death.

I matched with a tinder profile that had no pics.

We chatted a bit. Smart and funny so i asked for a date. She said yes!

I'm not expecting much, probably 400lbs. But she answered the door, this little strawberry blomde with a head full of curls and all the right curves in all the right places. We exchanged our real names and i asked what sh...

At least he won't annoy his co-workers every week.

What did the mother and father camel name their baby born without a hump?

Humphrey!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and orders three beers.

The bartender brings him the three beers, and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third, until they're gone.

He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one, and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm an old guy, and I fuck at least 3 super hot girls in their mid 20's every week

I'm a student loan collector

I thought I found a fun group of cat enthusiasts to hang out with. They meet every week at a local church.

They're called Cat-holics, but I'm kind of disappointed, all they ever want to talk about is Jesus.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy takes up a new job.

On Monday he calls in and says, ‘I can’t come in today, I’m sick.’ He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, ‘I can’t come in today, I’m sick.’

The boss asks the foreman about him and he replies, ‘He’s great. He does the work of two men. We need him.’
...

A man killed his wife when he discovered her in bed with another man

When the magistrate asked him why he killed her instead of her lover, the man replied, "I considered it better to kill one woman than a different man every week."

A student thinks it will be fun and interesting to take a class in ornithology to meet his science requirement.

Well, it’s not. There are mountains of homework and he finds himself studying for hours every week trying to prepare for classes. The final exam determines whether he passes the class, so he spends days studying and reviewing material. He arrives at the exam to find a single question: identify 5...

Two men go to a convenience store.

One of the men asks for a pack of condoms, and the lady at the counter gives the condoms, no questions asked.

One week later, the same two men enter the same convenience store. The same man asks the same woman for a pack of condoms. He receives the condoms, no questions asked.

Every we...

Told to me by a six year old.

Why was the snow yellow?

Because Elsa let it go!

I am a waiter and I have regular family every week on Monday. I exchange jokes with the youngest boy and he always wins free dessert. This week however he won a free meal for the whole family. I laughed til I made yellow snow
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Rosy and Sunday school

Rosy goes to Sunday school every week, but falls asleep every class!

One day, to “inadvertently” call her out on it, the teacher calls on Rosy and asks this question:

“Who created the universe as we know it to be?”

At this point, to just have a laugh, Rosy’s friend, Adam, sittin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pro athlete visits the children's hospital in his town.

A pro athlete visits the children's hospital in his town. He strikes up a friendship with little Timmy, who has a very rare disease. He promises to visit Timmy every week, and he keeps his promise.

He brings Timmy ice cream and pizza. He buys Timmy every star wars toy he can find. They ...

Kevin the town idiot.

A guy is with a friend. He points to another guy down the street and says "Look, that's the town idiot. I'll show you. I do this every week"

He then hollers at the other guy

" Hey Kevin! Here, a gift for you, and you get to choose! One $20 bill, or five $1 bills?"

Kevin happily ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jack rings the boss one Friday and says "I can't come in to work today, I'm sick"

so the boss says OK and Jack turns up as normal on Monday. Next Friday though Jack rings in again and says "I can't come in to work today, I'm sick". This pattern repeats every week for a couple of months and eventually the boss calls Jack into his office and asks him what's the matter.

"Well...

I love doing stand up comedy at the retirement homes.

And I know I'm really good because they laugh at the same jokes every week.

A man walks into a bar

and orders three beers every single Friday night, and drinks a sip from each one consecutively until they're finished.
One time the barman goes to him and said, 'why do you always order three beers?'
The man explains, 'me and my two brothers used to have beer at exactly the same time together ...

Husband eats dog food

A married lady goes to her doctor for her annual checkup and everything is good. In her conversation at the end of all the tests and examination with the doctor she expressed a concern about her husband.

"As you know I raise champion golden retrievers and one evening I was making thier foo...

A young man joins the army.

He promises to call his father every week and update him on how things are going. A few months in he calls home and tells his dad that they started doing parachute jumps this week.

Knowing that his son is greatly afraid of heights, the father asked how it went. "Well, I said I wasn't going t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Next time you're feeling down, remember that life is all about perspective.

I have a friend who has sex 2-3 times a day, exercises twice a day and reads two books every week yet he always complains how he much he hates prison.

A man in Amsterdam feels the need to confess

... so he goes to his priest.
"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. During WWII, I hid a refugee in my attic."
"Well," answers the priest, "that's not a sin."'
"But I made him agree to pay me 20 guilders for every week he stayed."
"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a goo...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.