UPJOKE

Every Day Jokes

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I’ve had sex nearly every day this week…

Nearly Monday, nearly Tuesday, nearly Wednesday, nearly Thursday…..

Every day in Moscow, people buy newspaper, glance at front page, throw straight in trash.

Every day, same. People buy newspaper, look front, throw in trash.

Newspaper seller ask one day, "Why you do that? Why you not read inside newspaper?"

Man respond, "I check obituary"

"But obituary not on front page. Is on back page"

"Putin obituary be on front page"

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a teenage boy keeps depositing one million dollar in his bank account every day

one day, Mrs. Mary the bank manager asks him to provide the source of all the money he's depositing

"I win it through gambling" he answers

"nobody can win that much money so consistently through gambling"

"wanna proof? how about we bet on 1000$ that...

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I have a friend who has sex 3-4 times a week. Works out every day. And reads at least two books a week.

But all this guy ever does is complain about prison.

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just
swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the ...

What’s baked every day and sells itself?

My sister.

This order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art....

Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.


Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, he hit upon a beautifully intricate note of pure magic. Everyone within miles just froze in mid action, stirred to the very...

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Every day we have hundreds of people coming into this country with no skill, no grasp of the language and a total drain on our resources...

Babies are fucking useless.

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A man deposits $1,000 cash into his bank account every day

The bank employees start getting a little suspicious and tell the manager about the customer. The manager tells them to let him know next time he makes a deposit. Surely enough, the next day, he comes with 1k in cash to deposit into his account. The tellers tell the man that the manager would like t...

An old lady used to cross the US-Mexico border every day using a motorcycle...

The guards, especially officer Johnson, knew she was smuggling something. But, no matter what they did, they could never find it.

Dogs wouldn't sniff anything, metal detectors wouldn't bleep, disassembling the motorcycle wouldn't help.

Many years later, on his last day at the job, once...

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Unexpectedly, an artist's wife started having sex with him every day.

Though quite unusual, he didn't question his luck, deciding to just enjoy the ride.

One day, his wife approached him. "Honey? Can you sketch a picture for me?"

"Of course!" he replied. "What should I draw?"

"What you think our baby will look like."

He stared back at her,...

What do you get if you tell the same joke every day for a month?

About 3K karma and a ban from r/jokes.

Arthur is 75 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 15 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn’t see where it went.”

His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”

“That’s no good,” sighs Arthur, “your brother is 85. He can’t help.”

“He may be 85,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”

So th...

There once was a boy named George Gunderson who did not do very well in school. His classmates ridiculed him every day, as did his teacher, Mrs. Jones. George couldn't stand it, and always came home crying to his parents.

One day, Mr. and Mrs. Gunderson decided to come to the school early to give Mrs. Jones a piece of her mind. The second the door opened to let the kids outside, Mr. and Mrs. Gunderson peeked inside to hear Mrs. Jones screaming at George. "George Gunderson, you are the dumbest kid in the world!"
...

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A wife works long shifts every day...

A wife works long shifts every day of the week to support her family. The husband, who rarely sees her, begins to feel affected by the lack of intimacy from her when she is around, so he has an affair with a younger lady.

One day, the wife comes home early, and finds her husband in bed with h...

Every day, my teacher starts her class by reading a joke from r/Jokes, but today she is absent.

So a subreddit

I check my girl’s phone every day

I have to make sure she’s not talking to Pete Davidson

Almost every day I hear car alarms going off around the city...

But never in my life have I seen a car wake up

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I was teased about my penis size almost every day of elementary school.

I got called names like teeny weenie, micro dong, and pickled pecker.

If it weren't for that, being home-schooled wouldn't have been so bad.

I can just eat Chinese takeout every day.

I'm lo meintenance.

why does the helicopter shave every day

He grows apache beard

I told my doctor I have one coffee every day.

Eight cups, but it's the same coffee.

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I'm training for a marathon by running 10 miles every day in my basement.

I'll run rings around my opponents.

I Read That There Were 300 Battered Women In America Every Day

And all this time I've been eating them raw.

I'm so stressed by work, family, etc. I decided to start running every day

I think I've reached Iowa

Gaston from Beauty and the Beast says he eats 5 dozen eggs every day...

He must be a millionaire!

There was a man who took very good care of his body. Every day he lifted weights and jogged 6 miles.

One day, he looked in the mirror and noticed that he was tanned all over, apart from on his ‘thing’.

So, he decided to do something about it…

He went to the beach, took off all his clothes and buried himself in the sand, except for his ‘thing’ which he left sticking out.

Two old...

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A man rents a room, and pays extra on the condition the landlady prepare his work lunch every day...

So on the first day, she packs him a sandwich on normal sandwich bread, using the last night's leftovers of meatloaf, adding in some fruit and a bottle of soda.

When he comes home, he politely tells her that it wasn't quite enough food for him.

The next day, she makes two sandwiches (...

My neighbor is a 90 year old with Alzheimer's, I see him every morning and he asks me if I've seen his wife. Every day I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago. I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question.

But the look of joy in his eyes whenever I answer him is worth the world.

Every day I'm surrounded by broken condoms.

Running a daycare center is tough.

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An eldery Jew buys a lottery ticket every day from the small minimarket from the corner.

And every day he says the same thing: "Hashem (God), please let me win the lottery - if I do I will give a million dollars to charity"

And each day he loses. And still, every day he repeated the same prayer "Hashem, please help me win the lottery - I will give a million dollars to charity"...

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Every day at my job, all I ever see is assholes

That's what I get for being a proctologist.

Dixon Hormuz and Rosie Highman watch the sunset every day at the lakeside pier by their nursing home….

Everyday for 10 years running they sit on a bench while Rosie reaches down into Dixon’s pants and loving holds his retired baby maker in her hands while they watch the beautiful sunset glistening off the still lake.

One day, Dixon doesn’t come to pick her up at dusk. She fears the worst and ...

Why do nuns wear the same thing every day?

No reason, it’s just their habit.

Yea gas prices are going up but there’s still one thing that goes down every day

Yo mama

Every day I come home and ask my dog how his day was, and every day he always gives the same answer...

Ruff.

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Two dads, Philip and Mike, fight every day about their respective sons’ physical growth.

Both of the kids go to the same kindergarten. As Philip and Mike watch on as they go in, Mike tells Philip, “Y’know buddy, my son is currently 4 foot. He’ll grow up to be an actor!”

Philip replies, “We’ll see about that, my son is 4 foot one. And your son will never get popular if he’s short,...

Everyone asked a 100-year-old man and his 98-year-old wife for their health secrets.

The old man said "I'll tell you my secret. I've been married for 75 years. I promised my wife when we got married that when we quarrel, the loser has to walk for 5 kilometres. So I've been walking 5 kilometres every day for past 75 years! Everyone applauded and asked again "But how come your wife is...

They say every day is a gift.

That’s why I’m always living in the present!

Two ladies had been friends for decades. Every day they sat together on a bench in the park and chatted.

One day, one lady told the other, "This is terribly embarrassing, but I hope you understand. You know how it is to be old. I keep forgetting things. I have to tell you, my dear friend, that I simply can't remember your name. Could you please tell me your name again?"

The other lady looked at ...

An old man in stalinist russia gets newspapers every day from the stand like clockwork.

He always turns straight to one page, and thereafter throws the paper in the bin.

Curious, the vendor one day asks him, "what are you looking at in those papers every day huh?"

The man replies, "the obituaries."

The vendor asks, "so how come you only ever look at one page of th...

DID YOU KNOW: If you lived every day like it was your last...

Eventually you would be right?

A woman has two admirers.

One of them is a doctor, and the other is a deaf guy.
Every day, the doctor gives the woman a rose.
And every day, the deaf guy gives her an apple.
One day, the woman says to the the deaf guy: "Hey, that doctor gives me a rose every day, and I get the symbolism of that. But why do you give...

If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then...

... you dilly dally in the Dalai's deli daily.

A man goes in a bar every day, sits alone and orders 3 beers.

After a while the barteder asks him:" Why do you come here every day and order 3 beer?". A man replies:" Well, I have 2 brothers and when we were younger, we agreed that no matter where we ended up. We would drink a beer for each of us.". This continued for some time, but one day man came in a bar a...

Every day, I take the elevator to get to my office.

My office is on the 12th floor, so I always take the elevator up to the 11th floor. I would take the elevator straight to the 12th floor, but that's another story.

Every day I beat my own previous record

for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

“Every day, we have to make all the little things count.”

~ The math teacher of dwarfs.

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I give my wife an orgasm every day.

I hate when she spits it back at me though.

The same bike tries to run me down every day.

It’s a vicious cycle.

My wife told me, “Every day, you should do at least 20 sit-ups.”

I said, “That sounds like physical ab use.”

If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day,

why isn't anything in the store free yet?

Dude explaining how he made his first $10 million:

1. Get up at 5:00AM every day
2. 90 minutes of cardio
3. Take a cold shower
4. Journal
5. Schedule out your day
6. Dad owns Fortune 500 company
7. Meditate

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This German shepherd comes and takes a shit on my lawn every day.

Yesterday, he brought his dog along.

Every day i beat the meat at work.

I have been a butcher for five years.

I'm a 21-year-old multimillionaire. Here's how I did it.

1. I get up at 5:00 AM every day
2. I run for an hour before breakfast
3. Afterward, I take a cold shower to wake me up.
4. Journaling is key. You never know when you might need to remember something.
5. Always write down an appointment as soon as you get it.
6. My dad owns a Fortune ...

I live every day like it is my last.

Lying in bed consuming morphine while my family cries.

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A man asks a farmer if he can work for a night's lodging and a meal.

Farmer gets a knock on his door, it's a man in his mid-thirties who looks like he's been traveling a while. The man asks if he could earn a meal and a place to stay for the night.

"Do you have any skills?" The farmer asks.

"Well, I do have a rare gift -- I can communicate with animals....

A coworker told me to live every day like it’s a brand new year

I said I already do that
I wake up hung over.
I contemplate all the decisions I made the “year”before.
And I try to make resolutions and I always break them.

Every day, a woman stood on her porch and shouted ,"Praise the Lord!"

And every day the atheist next door yelled, "There is no Lord!"

One day she prayed, "Lord, I'm hungry. Please send me groceries."

The next morning she found a big bag of food on the stairs. "Praise the Lord," she shouted.

"Ha! I told you there was no Lord," her neighbour said, j...

What do you call a person that does squats every day

A back-end developer

Every day I go down to the harbour and throw fish to a baby dolphin. My friends say it's a waste of time.

But at least I'm serving a youthful porpoise.

Every day I see my big-breasted neighbour doing gardening work in front of the house.

I really hope his wife tells him to put a shirt on someday.

I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open..

She said "it's my husband!. Quick, try the backdoor!"

Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.

If you do these things every day for 30 days straight you will be unrecognizable

1. Sleep 8+ hours everyday.

2. Drink four 8oz glasses of water minimum daily.

3. Get outside in the sun everyday.

4. No sugar.

5. Read for 30 mins each day.

6. Workout for 1hr 3 times a week

7. Capture someone, cut their face off then sew it onto your face....

Why do nuns wear the same outfit every day?

It's a habit.



(I made this one up. I doubt I am the first to do it. )

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Three men, aged 40, 60 and 80, discuss their sex lives

The 40-year old says: "When my wife and I were just married, we'd do it every single day. Any position you could imagine. But now I'm lucky if we can average once a week".

The 60-year old man responds: "Once a week? Just wait till you get to my age. Once a month is what I consider an active s...

I try to teach my mom something new every day.

They say you're supposed to learn from your mistakes

An old fisherman and his wife ate fish every day...

An old fisherman and his wife lived in a remote outport and they ate fish every day. One day, the fisherman said, "Dear, I'm sick of fish. A big grocery store opened in the town that's 40 miles away, I'm going there to buy something different for dinner."

So the fisherman goes to the grocery ...

Two Beggars in London. (NSFW)

Two beggars in London

Ali and Habib are beggars.
They beg in different areas of London ...

Habib begs just as long as Ali does, but only collects £2 to £3 every day.

Ali brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot ...

A man wishes on a genie, that every day for the next 3 months be better than the last.

so the genie breaks his arm.

Every day before work, I wake up

It’s getting really irritating, and I wish it would stop happening.

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

I am thankful every day that I live in Canada.

What inspires you to get out of bed every day?

My bladder mostly.

I teach public school, and every day I have to keep track of who showed up and who didn't

That's just how I roll

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The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his Deckhand, so they sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AGENT: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."

Boat Owner: “Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does abou...

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George and Ted are showering after a workout when George notices that Ted's penis is about nine inches long.

"You were lucky to be blessed with such a huge penis!" says George.

"I wasn't blessed," replies Ted. "I had to work for it. I did it by masturbating once every day for two years, using butter as a lubricant. I know it sounds crazy, but this thing used to be only five inches long!"

"Tha...

Why wife keeps telling me to stop singing "stand and deliver" every day because it's too dated and 80s.

I refused. I was Adam ant.

Depressing pickup lines.

Are you suicide?
Because I think about you every day.

Are you a toaster?
Because I really want to take a bath with you.

Are you a noose?
Because I really want to hang with you.

Are you a gravestone?
Because I really wish you were on top of me.

Are you anti-...

A retired man purchased a home near a high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace, then the new school year began...

...One afternoon early into the first semester, three loud young boys came down his street, beating merrily on every bin they came across. They then did so the following day and the day after that, until finally the retiree decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walke...

Over 2,000 children go missing every day.

You'd think some of them got the hint the first time round.

Before the quarantine I was going to strip clubs almost every day

But now they're all clothed until further notice.

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My mom washed and combed my hair every day when I was a kid. I used to think it was so sweet and now I am horrified by it...

All those years, she was grooming me
Sick bitch...

Every day after work, my girlfriend likes to come home and tell me all about her day. And when she does that, I like to hold her hand.

Cause she's deaf, and that way she can't talk anymore.

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Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.


The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.


Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever c...

A man ordered two drinks at once every day...

The bartenders curiosity got the better of him, and he asked "Why not just get a double?"
The man answered "I'm drinking one for myself and one for my buddy that didn't make it back from Iraq."
After a couple of months, the man started ordering just one drink. The nosy bartender asked w...

A postman delivers the same things every day.

A postman delivers the same things every day. The man who owns the house walks out and talks to the postman one day.

Man: Why do you deliver the same items everyday?

Postman: because you subscribed to r/jokes

I work a book store and this snobby woman comes in every day asking for the same stupid Stephen King book...

I work a book store and this snobby woman comes in every day asking for the same stupid Stephen King book... And every time she gets rude when I tell her we don't have it.

Finally today I lost my temper and screamed at her to take her entitled attitude and get out of the store. There was some...

My patient walks 5 miles every day

His dog's name is, 5 Miles!

My mom told me this joke:)

A wise man once told me " Live every day of your life, like it is your last day"

*stressed and depressed*

Every day Sunny Leone creates history

Every day Sunny Leone creates history...

Then

we have to

go to

Settings

and

delete that

History.

Every day I squat with my arms around my knees and lean forward.

Because that's how I roll!

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Can you tell your mom to stop wearing different lipsticks every day?

My dick's starting to look like a fucking rainbow!

I wish I could be ugly for one day.

Being ugly every day sucks.

Yesterday I dressed up as a woman to further understand the struggles women deal with every day.

Apparently, women are often called a “cross-dressing weirdo”.

Two men are in love with a woman

One of the men is a doctor, and the other a deaf man

Every day, the doctor brings the woman a flower as a sign of his affection.

Every day, the deaf man brings the woman an apple.

She asks him, “Why do you bring me an apple? A flower I understand, but what is the purpose of th...

What if I lifted a pack of Coca-Cola over my head for twenty minutes a day every day?

That would be soda pressing.

My girflriend was telling me about this guy on Strange Addictions who drinks a gallon of brake fluid every day

I guess the good thing is at least he can stop whenever he wants

Did you hear about the nun who used to punt her laundry into the hamper every day?

Last I heard she kicked the habit.

Thousands of people die every day. Thats just a statistic.

But for some reason when i kill them it’s monstrosity instead.

The guy who sold me these pigs said I should bathe them every day.

Hogwash.

I bought a treadmill and use it for 15 seconds a day every day.

It says right on it in big letters to stop using if you get shortness of breath.

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A redditor walks in to bar...

The bartender says, "what'll you have?"

"It's been so long since I've had a good laugh", replies the redditor. "I'll give you $100 if you can tell me a joke I haven't heard before."

"That sounds easy enough", replies the bartender.

"I should warn you", the redditor says, "I b...

A man in Moscow goes up to a newsstand and buys a newspaper…

He then glances at the front page, then turns aside and tosses the whole newspaper straight into the trash.

Next day, he turns up, and does the same thing. Buys it, glances at the front page, throws it in the trash.

Next day, same thing. The newsstand worker is increasingly puzzled, bu...

An old grandma brings a bus driver a bag of peanuts every day.

First the bus driver enjoyed the peanuts but after a week of eating them he asked: "Please granny, don't bring me peanuts anymore. Have them yourself.".

The granny answers: "You know, I don't have teeth anymore. I just prefer to suck the chocolate around them."

I maintain my stomach tone by doing as many crunches as I can, every day.

(Usually either Nestle or Captain)

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