UPJOKE
machinisttechnicianmechanicalrepairmantradesmancraftsmanmotorcyclegrease monkeyengineermechanismartisanmachinecar-mechanicauto-mechanicshop mechanic

A proctologist gets sick of his medical career and decides it's time for a change. He does a bit of research and settles on trying his hand at being a mechanic. He attends mechanic school diligently and pays attention in the hopes of being the best mechanic in town.

After taking his final exam, he notices a mistake with the grade on the test and asks the teacher.

"Sir, you have me 150% out of a possible 100% on the practical exam. This must be a mistake!"

The teacher replies, "It's no mistake. 50% of the grade is for perfect disassembly of the en...

In order to get to the valves, a mechanic carefully removed the engine parts from a car while the car owner - a surgeon - looked on.

Afterwards the mechanic said to the surgeon:
'You know, I reckon my line of work is every bit as difficult and skilled as yours.'

'Perhaps,' said the surgeon, 'But I'd like to see you do it while the engine is running.'

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A priest goes to the mechanic

He tells the mechanic, "hey, I just brought in my car last week, and since you guys worked on it, it's leaking oil all over my garage." The mechanic says, "my apologies father, we'll make sure we get it right this time, come back tomorrow, and we'll have it tip-top for you." The priest returns the f...

My car mechanic called me and said, “You can pick up your car by 5 p.m.”

I said, “I don’t think I’ll be strong enough by then.”

Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise

He removed the Mariah Carey Christmas CD, and now it’s fine.

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A blonde pulls into a mechanic to have a car problem looked at.

The mechanic inspects the engine and says to the blonde, “it’s not a big deal. Just shit in the carburetor.”

The blonde responds, “Oh, OK! How often do I have to do that?”

What does a mechanic do for a one night stand?

He nuts and bolts.

I came out to my parents this week, I said I wanted to become a mechanic.

I've already started transmissioning...

Mechanic vs. heart surgeon ... similar jobs?

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.

The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the

mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I as...

A heart surgeon took his car to his local garage for a regular service, where he usually exchanged a little friendly banter with the owner, a skilled but not especially wealthy mechanic.

"So tell me," says the mechanic, "I've been wondering about what we both do for a living, and how much more you get paid than me.."
"Yes?.." says the surgeon.
"Well look at this," says the mechanic, as he worked on a big complicated engine, "I check how it's running, open it up, fix the valves...

The gynocologist turned mechanic...

After 20 years in the industry, a gynecologist decides he wants to try something new, so he takes some classes on automotive work. After completing the final, which consisted of a written test and a practical, he asked his instructor how he did.

"Well, you earned 150 points out of 100." The I...

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A blonde takes her car to her mechanic and tells him it’s running rough.

After working on it for a few minutes, he has it idling smoothly. "What's the story?" she asked. "Just crap in the carburator," the mechanic replied. "How often do I have to do that?" asked the blonde.

A gynecologist had become fed up and was burned out, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, he prepared carefully and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of
150%. Fearing an...

A mechanic was secretly drinking brake fluid at the garage where he worked. On some days he would even drink a whole pint of the stuff. One day his boss found out and confronted him about it.

The mechanic said “It won’t become a problem, boss, I swear I can stop whenever I want!”

How do you know a mechanic has a girlfriend?

He has two clean fingers

A car mechanic comes home late

Wife: Audi! You must be exhausted. Please sedan at the table for dinner

Mechanic: psi… I’m wheely tired. Are you and children eating?

Wife: V8 already

I have a quantum mechanic...

He both repairs and doesn't repair my car at the same time, and I can never be certain of what the charge will be.

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Funeral director takes his hearse to the mechanic, "My car gets really bad mileage."

Mechanic says, "I'm sorry sir I don't think I can help, It's because of all the dead weight in the back."

Any good mechanic will tell you that it's very easy to blow a seal...

However, most zoologists disagree ;)

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Being a mechanic is like being a male prostitute.

You get paid for parts and labor.

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What's the difference between a mechanic and a priest?

The mechanic waits til you've grown up to fuck you.

A farmer took his truck to the mechanic to get it fixed...

They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.


On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint.

He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, s...

There used to be a mechanic shop in San Diego called “Car Men”

Now we don’t know where in the world it is

A mechanic dies, and, not being a very religious man, gets sent to hell. While in hell, the mechanic meets Satan, and he is shown the ins and outs of Hell.

While wandering around, the mechanic starts doing the thing he's best at --
fixing stuff. In a matter of weeks, Hell has air conditioning, working TV's
and indoor plumbing, all being maintained and improved by the mechanic.

Seeing this from heaven, God calls Satan over and demands to ha...

I took my subatomic car to the quantum mechanic

He said the wheels have no spin

What is more terrifying than a mechanic with a laptop?

What is more terrifying than a mechanic with a laptop?

A programmer with a screwdriver.

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What is the difference between an oil change and a mechanic?

One is a filthy hassle, while the other is a filthy asshole.

A Paladin takes his car to a mechanic

A Paladin takes his car to a mechanic. "Whenever I'm driving, I get these strange urges to run over pedestrians."

The mechanic has a look under the car. "Your alignment is off."

Cardiologist and the Mechanic

A cardiologist's car breaks down and he goes to a mechanic to get it fixed. After everything is done, the mechanic asks the cardiologist,

"Here's what I don't understand. I fix engines, and so do you, albeit human ones, so why do you get paid ten times more than I do?"

The cardiologi...

A little boy asks his mother: Mom, is Grandpa a mechanic?

No, why?
Because he’s outside under a bus.

Mechanic: "When were your tires last rotated?"

Me: "On the way here, silly."

A penguin takes his car to the shop and the mechanic says it’ll take about an hour for him to check it

While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. The penguin isn't the neatest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream. When he returns to the shop, the mechanic takes one look at him and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." "No," the penguin i...

A man goes to the mechanic.

He says "My car goes rr- rr-rr-"
The mechanic says "Yes, the transmission probably needs replacing."

The man frowns and says "My car goes rr-rr-rr-"
The mechanic says "Yes, the transmission probably needs replacing."

The man looks angry and says "Would you l-let me ff-finish! I h...

Today i watched the news and saw that my nearest mechanic was a drug seller.

That's horrible, so many years being a client and only today i realized he could have repaired my car.

A penguin grows tired of the cold winters in Alaska...

So he buys a used Corvette and heads south for warmer weather. About five hundred miles into the trip the Corvette starts to overheat.

He stops in a small town and finds a mechanic to get the issue fixed. The mechanic says he is not going to be able to look at the car for an hour, so the Pen...

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Camel Mechanic

A man buys a camel from an old trader who tells him, that it will only start walking if it hears a special word. The man is so excited about having his own camel, that he completely forgets the special word and can't get it to move. After many hours of trying, he decides to go looking for the old tr...

The penguin and the mechanic

A penguin is driving a rental car through Arizona when, suddenly, the air conditioner stops working. The penguin, frantic with the heat, swerves into the first car repair shop he sees.

Penguin jumps out yelling, "Quick, quick! Drop everything and fix my air conditioner. I'm literally dying...

I asked my car mechanic why he always so busy.

He said, I got too many kids from screwing, nutting and bolting!

A woman goes to the mechanic complaning of a terrible noise in her car

The mechanic looks, thinks for a second, and asks her:

"Have you tried turning your Taylor Swift playlist off?"

What is the worst part of being a mechanic?

Always working on Brakes.

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What do you call it when a mechanic has sex with a girl and never sees her again?

Nut and bolt

Did you hear about the proctologist who became a mechanic?

For his first test, he disassembled and reassembled an engine.

His teacher gave him 150%: 50% for disassembling it, 50% for reassembling it, and another 50% for doing it through the exhaust.

I was worried that the mechanic would rip me off because I was a blonde woman.

Imagine my relief when I found out that I only needed indicator fluid.

The mechanic asked me if I've ever rotated my tires.

How does he think I got here?

I brought my car to a mechanic and asked him, “Do you have any idea why my car is humming?”

He replied, “Probably because it doesn’t know all the lyrics.”

A penguin takes his car to the mechanic....

The mechanic tells him it'll take about an hour to fix. The penguin heads over to the 7-11 across the street to kill some time and have an ice cream. But because he has clumsy little flippers he gets the ice cream all over his beak.
When he goes back to the mechanic, the mechanic tells him, "we...

A man who knows little about cars takes his car into the mechanic for an oil change

After the mechanic finishes with the oil change, she comes out to talk to the man.

"Well, I'm all done with the oil change, but I did notice something, it looks like your brake light fluid needs to be replaced."

The man responds, "Oh, I don't think I've ever had that changed before. Go...

A gynecologist has a midlife crisis and takes night classes to become a mechanic...

She's really nervous the night of the final, so she studies real hard and hopes for the best.

When the grades are posted, she freaks out because her grade says 150% and she assumes it was an error, so she goes to see the instructor.

He explains it's no error.

"You took apart th...

A penguin takes his car to the mechanic…

A penguin drives his car to the mechanic’s shop and says the engine is making a weird noise.

“Alright,” the mechanic says. “Give me a little bit and I’ll take a look. In the meantime, you can go to the ice cream shack across the street…”

The penguin went an ordered a vanilla ice crea...

What sound does a mechanical frog make?

Rrrrrobot

Why can't the mechanic find a good screw?

Because every time he nuts, she bolts.

OBGYN turns car mechanic (probably my favorite joke of all times)

A gynecologist was getting sick of his job and decided a career change was in order. Being an automotive enthusiast, he felt he should become a car mechanic.
He read and studied hard, and then came the day of the official exam.
Scores range between 40 and 100, where 60 is enough to pass the ex...

My mechanic tried to scam me because he didn’t think I knew about cars

I took my car to get an oil change and they were like “would you like us to rotate your tires?” I was like “Ummm. I rotated them a bunch on the way over jackass!”

A penguin is driving when he sees a check engine light on. He takes his car to the mechanic and then goes for ice cream.

A penguin is driving when he sees a check engine light on. He takes his car to the mechanic and then goes for ice cream. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks ...

Heaven is where the cooks are French, the police are British, the mechanics are German, the lovers are Italian and everything is organized by the Swiss.

Hell is where the cooks are British, the police are ~~German~~ American, the mechanics are French, the lovers are Swiss, and everything is organized by the Italians.

What does the mechanic say after he's fixed your car's horn?

Beep repaired.

Found out my mechanic dealt weed on the side,

now he's my spark plug.

Had a really terrible day today. Car broke down and got towed. Mechanic took a look and shared the news with me using some humor.

Mechanic: “Knock knock”
Me: “Who’s there?”
Mechanic: “Your car’s engine”

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As a child, my wife wanted to become a mechanic for National Express but never followed that dream, which is a shame.

I'd love to see her under a fucking bus.

While driving home I saw my mechanic on the side of the road crying like a little baby.

I don’t know exactly what happened but he must have had a serious breakdown

Took my car to a mechanic the other day...

I said "Can you fix my headlights?"

They reply "No!"

I respond, "Well, can you check my radiator?"

Again, "No!"

I turn to him and say "Well, what **do** you do,then?!"

He responds "We're a front for the IRA!"

"In that case..." I say. "... Can you blow up m...

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I crashed my Ford a few days ago and went to a mechanic to get it repaired. Later that night I was arrested and my laptop confiscated

In hindsight perhaps I should have said “I crashed my Ford” instead of “I fucked my 15 year old Escort”

Why did the mechanic have a disappointing fashion show?

There was no time to change attire.

I think I’m gonna go to school to become an elevator mechanic...

...although I’ve heard the job has some serious ups and downs.

A guy takes his car in to the mechanic after it mysteriously stops working

The mechanic opens up the hood, to find a small fruit bat hanging upside-down in the engine bay. The bat looks up at the mechanic and says "you look nice today mate!", Immediately the mechanic straightens up and says to the car owner "well, that's your problem right there!

Bat flattery"

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How can you tell a mechanic recently had sex?

He has 1 clean finger.




src: heard on radio yesterday

"I really like the outfits my mechanic wears"

"Any particular reason?"

"Nah, just an overall fan"

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A Blonde takes her car to the mechanic

While the mechanic is fiddling with the engine the blonde comes over and asks him if he knows what is wrong.

He replies: "Shit in the carburetor"

She replies: "Okay how often do I need to do that?"

I went to the mechanic to check my car, and they told me the pilot was too dense.

I asked, “how much will that cost to replace”?

Sandy, an 18 year old boy, desperately wants a car.

However, his mother forcibly tells him no. Sandy, undeterred, decides to get a job to pay. He applies for many jobs, ranging from a mechanic to delivering newspapers. However, he is not accepted for any of them. Slowly, he gives up on his dream of buying a car.

Weeks later, Sandy tells his mo...

I think my mechanic is an antivaxxer

He gave me essential oils for my broken car.

A mechanic falls onto his tools...

It was a gut-wrenching experience.

I took My car to a blind mechanic

He didn't see anything wrong with so I was good to go

My car broke down, so I take it in and the guy says that he’s a quantum mechanic...

...So I ask him if he can fix my car, or not? And he says: “I don’t know, I’ll have to look at it!”

The Mechanic who worked in Antarctica.

A penguin is driving along one day and his car starts making this really strange sound. So, he pulls into the first gas station he sees, jumps out of his car, runs up to the mechanic and says: "I need for someone to look at my car! There's something wrong with it!"

1 The mechanic looks at him...

What do you call a nympho mechanic with a choking fetish?

A Vice Grip

You hear about that mechanic who almost died?

... He had an auto-body experience

Two old buddies meet at a bar to catch up. One has become a doctor, the other a mechanic.

After a few beers loosen their tongues the mechanic says. "I don't get why you doctors get so much more respect than us mechanics. We basically do the same job. We both just repair and maintain a complex machine."

"Oh yeah?" Says the doctor, "Next time you're changing a spark plug, try doing...

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Conversation with a mechanic

Mechanic: you used subpar fuel which corroded your intake injectors and manifold

Me: Uhh, English bro

Mechanic: low quality gas damaged your engine

Me: dumb it down for me kemosabe

Mechanic : Bad go-go juice made your vroom vroom machine all fucky

Me : oh fuck

A mechanic makes for an awesome FWB.

He screws, nuts and bolts.

[NSFW] A penguin goes to the car mechanic...

...to figure out why his truck keeps making such weird noises as he goes down the highway. When he arrived, the mechanic said that he'd take a look and it'd be about a half hour wait.

"Well that's okay," the penguin muttered to himself as he walked out of the shop, "I can find something to...

Did you know in Amsterdam there's a combination brothel and mechanic shop?

Apparently, they do a two-for-one on rimjobs.

A penguin, some ice cream, and a mechanic.

A penguin is driving in the desert on a remote highway, when his car suddenly begins making funny noises, and smoke begins pouring out of the engine.

He pulls into a gas station that also happens to have a mechanic. He asks the mechanic about his car being fixed.

“I’ll take a look at ...

I never knew my mechanic was a psychic

until he loudly announced that I had blown a tranny in my car.

I was recently fired as a mechanic

I could not believe it, they called me a thief. Even though it expressly says in the contract that I am allowed to take brakes!

How do you tell a gamer from a car mechanic?

Ask them what HP means.

I had a dream that I was a mechanic who fixed wrecked cars.

It was an auto body experience.

A chemist, a mechanic, a electrician, and a programmer were driving in a car when it broke down.

"This must be because we've mixed the wrong fuel additive!" said the chemist.



"Bollocks!" said the mechanic. "This is clearly a mechanical problem. There must be something wrong with the engine."



"Both of you are wrong. The problem lies with the car wiring and the batte...

The Lawyer's Car

A lawyer had just bought a fancy new car, and was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took off the driver's side door with him standing right there. "NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it would ...

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A young mechanic...

A young mechanic was working on a car when the lift broke, and the car fell and severed his arm. Now severely depressed because he had one arm, loved to golf, and couldn't afford a prosthetic arm, decided "well, this is it. This is my end... I will kill myself because I can't play golf nor afford an...

The local mechanic was arrested for being a drug dealer.

I've been his customers for 4 years and I never knew he was a mechanic.

[at auto mechanic]

\[at auto mechanic\]

MECHANIC: Can I help you?

ME: My car won't start

MECHANIC: Umm, that's a bicycle

ME: Because my car won't start, are you even listening?

Never expect to keep a long-term relationship with a mechanic.

He screws nuts and bolts.

A mechanical engineer, electrical engineer, chemical engineer, and computer engineer

One day, a mechanical engineer, electrical engineer, chemical engineer, and computer engineer were driving down the street in the same car when it broke down.

The mechanical engineer said, I think a rod broke.

The chemical engineer said, The way it sputtered at the end, I think it's ...

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There once were two airplane mechanics from New Jersey...

... Who were also drinking buddies.

One night, the mechanics (Rick and Paul) were finishing up their shift and discussing where they should go for a drink afterwards.

"I don't know, man," said Rick. "We've been to every bar in town. The scene's getting old."

"Well," replied Pau...

John brings his car into a mechanic for an inspection

Mechanic: Everything seems to be working OK, except your car horn is broken.

John: No, it's not broken, it's just indifferent.

Mechanic: What do you mean, indifferent?

John: Well, it just doesn't give a hoot…

A mechanic and a Doctor are talking

The mechanic and doctor are good friends hanging out when the mechanic says

"You know our jobs are similar. We both have to study symptoms, run diagnostics, and repair/replace faulty parts." The doctor nods in agreement. "So why do you make so much more than us?"

The doctor smiles and ...

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A mechanic drops his daughter off at Harvard for her first day of college.

As he tries to find his way off campus, he realizes he needs to use the restroom, so he asks a student, “Excuse me, but do you know where the nearest restroom is at?”

The student replies, “Sir, at Harvard we never end a sentence with a preposition.”

The mechanic replies, “Oh, my mistak...

An OBGYN got tired of her career and decided to train to become a mechanic.

Her final exam was taking apart a car engine and putting it back together. When she finished, the instructor announced that she scored a 150 on the exam even though it was only out of 100. When she asked how she scored so high, the instructor explained that she got the full 100 points for her work o...

A mechanic from my neighborhood was arrested yesterday for selling drugs.

I was his client for 5 years and I didn't know he was a mechanic.

A penguin broke down in Las Vegas.

A penguin was driving through Vegas when suddenly his car stopped working so he had it towed to the nearest mechanic.

When he got there the mechanic told him it could take an hour or two to find out what is wrong with his car. The penguin was getting hot so he asked the mechanic where he coul...

The Gynecologist had become

fed up with his job and decided to change professions. One day after seeing an advertisment for an auto mechanic school on TV, he decided to sign up. The Dr studied very hard and gave it the same level of excelence as he did when practicing medicine.

The day of the final exam came. The Dr had...

An Eskimo goes to the mechanic

the mechanic says "It looks like you blew a seal." and the Eskimo says "No, that's just frost on my mustache."

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Mechanic

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle. From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple that drove their car to Wal*Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping ...

I had a flat on the highway and walked 8 miles into town to the auto shop. The mechanic towed my car, fixed my tire and gave me a great deal on a new muffler.

Now I’m tired and exhausted.

I took my car to an Irish mechanic yesterday

The mechanic was loosening a fastener with a tool when suddenly the tool snapped in half. Disgusted, he threw the wrench to the ground.

"Was that important? Does that happen often?" I asked him.

"Yes!" He proclaimed. "It drives me nuts!"

A mechanic bought a bed

He sleeps under it

My Grandfather downed 35 German aircraft during WW2

He still holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

A gynecologist decided to become a mechanic...

He graduated mechanic school with a 5.2 gpa and asked his teacher how that was possible.

The teacher said "Well, you aced the written exam thats half. Then you reassembled the motor perfectly, and we had to give you the extra credit when you did it all through the Muffler"!

One day a mechanic was working under a car

And some brake fluid dripped into his mouth. "Wow! That stuff isn't too bad tasting," he thought. The next day, he told his buddy about tasting the brake fluid. "It was pretty good, really. I think I'll have a little more today."


His friend was a little concerned but didn't say anything....

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