Mechanics might disagree, but...

...eyedrops are technically blinker fluid.

Never expect to keep a long-term relationship with a mechanic.

He screws nuts and bolts.

A proctologist gets sick of his medical career and decides it's time for a change. He does a bit of research and settles on trying his hand at being a mechanic. He attends mechanic school diligently and pays attention in the hopes of being the best mechanic in town.

After taking his final exam, he notices a mistake with the grade on the test and asks the teacher.

"Sir, you have me 150% out of a possible 100% on the practical exam. This must be a mistake!"

The teacher replies, "It's no mistake. 50% of the grade is for perfect disassembly of the en...

A chemist, a mechanic, a electrician, and a programmer were driving in a car when it broke down.

"This must be because we've mixed the wrong fuel additive!" said the chemist.



"Bollocks!" said the mechanic. "This is clearly a mechanical problem. There must be something wrong with the engine."



"Both of you are wrong. The problem lies with the car wiring and the batte...

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Did you hear about the mechanic that was caught having sex with car parts?

He got off with a suspension.

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How do you tell if a mechanics had sex?

Two of his fingers are clean

Why do mechanics hate funny cars?

Because they only tell knock-knock jokes.

A mechanic dies, and, not being a very religious man, gets sent to hell. While in hell, the mechanic meets Satan, and he is shown the ins and outs of Hell.

While wandering around, the mechanic starts doing the thing he's best at --
fixing stuff. In a matter of weeks, Hell has air conditioning, working TV's
and indoor plumbing, all being maintained and improved by the mechanic.

Seeing this from heaven, God calls Satan over and demands to ha...

A penguin is having car trouble and stops at a mechanic that is across from the mall.

He drops it off at the mechanic's shop and goes to the mall to kill some time. He does does some shopping.

He stops in at the ice cream shop and returns to the mechanic’s shop.

The mechanic: "Looks like you blew a seal ..."

Penguin: "No, I just ate some ice cream."

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So my wife is a sex addict and just as into mechanics

When we split she went f*cking nuts

I had a flat on the highway and walked 8 miles into town to the auto shop. The mechanic towed my car, fixed my tire and gave me a great deal on a new muffler.

Now I’m tired and exhausted.

Why did the Swiss man take his car to a mechanic?

It kept getting stuck in neutral.

I took My car to a blind mechanic

He didn't see anything wrong with so I was good to go

Did you know in Amsterdam there's a combination brothel and mechanic shop?

Apparently, they do a two-for-one on rimjobs.

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a motorcycle when he spotted a well known heart surgeon in his shop.

The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hand...

I took my car to an Irish mechanic yesterday

The mechanic was loosening a fastener with a tool when suddenly the tool snapped in half. Disgusted, he threw the wrench to the ground.

"Was that important? Does that happen often?" I asked him.

"Yes!" He proclaimed. "It drives me nuts!"

A penguin took his car to the mechanic.

The penguin left to get some ice cream and returned a few minutes later.

"It looks like you blew a seal" said the mechanic.

"Gross, its just ice cream" replied the penguin.

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I crashed my Ford a few days ago and went to a mechanic to get it repaired. Later that night I was arrested and my laptop confiscated

In hindsight perhaps I should have said “I crashed my Ford” instead of “I fucked my 15 year old Escort”

What do you call a mechanical shovel?

Ground-breaking technology!

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I was late for work this morning, my boss asked me why to which I replied "I had a mechanical failure with my donkey." Perplexed my boss asked me what that had to do with getting to work.

To which i replied "I couldn't get my ass in gear"

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop...

to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. H...

The gynecologist who became a mechanic!

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligentl...

A car mechanic went bankrupt in less than a month

His repair shop was on the second floor.

An engineer is giving a lecture at the local college...

The lecture hall is completely full with a line out the door of people trying to get in. From the outside of the building the audience could be heard erupting with laughter, applause, oohs and aahs, and gasps of surprise.

A man walking by sees the line out the door and hears the commotion co...

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A psychotic mechanic had sex with a nurse then escaped his mental hospital...

Next day's headline: Nut screws and bolts.

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What do you call it when a mechanic has sex with a girl and never sees her again?

Nut and bolt

In Heaven the cooks are French, the policemen are English, the mechanics are German, the lovers are Italian and the bankers are Swiss..

In Hell..


The cooks are English, the policemen are German, the mechanics are French, the lovers are Swiss and the bankers are Italian.

I never knew my mechanic was a psychic

Until he loudly announced that I had blown the tranny in my car.

After every flight the pilots of Qantas airways leave a note to the mechanics that has problems that need to be fixed.When the next flight is due the mechanics leave a report that describes what they've done to fix the problem.

Problem: The left tire almost needs to be replaced
Report: The left tire was almost replaced

Problem: Something is unhooked in the cabin

Report: We rehooked something in the cabin

Problem: The autopilot loses 200 km/h altitude when engaged

Report: We haven't been able ...

What's the difference between a mechanical engineer and a civil engineer?

A mechanical engineer designs weapons. A civil engineer designs targets.

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How do you know car mechanics are horny?

They're always jacking off!

I think my mechanic is an antivaxxer

He gave me essential oils for my broken car.

Two aircraft mechanics get off work

Two aircraft mechanics get off work at la Guardia, and one says, "Let's go have a beer". The other says, "Why don't we try drinking jet fuel? I hear it tastes like whiskey, and you don't have a hangover in the morning."
So they drink about a quart of it each. It tastes great and they have a good ...

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical.

After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Many years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to ...

A mechanic from my neighborhood was arrested yesterday for selling drugs.

I was his client for 5 years and I didn't know he was a mechanic.

Heaven is a place...

* where the cops are british
* the chefs french
* the mechanics german
* the comedians american
* the lovers italian
* and everything is organized by the swiss

Hell is a place...

* where the cops are american
* the chefs british
* the mechanics french
* the come...

I was recently fired as a mechanic

I could not believe it, they called me a thief. Even though it expressly says in the contract that I am allowed to take brakes!

I wasn't allowed to speak at a university conference about jump mechanics in video games..

..due to no platforming.

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What's the difference between a mechanic and a priest?

The mechanic waits til you've grown up to fuck you.

What do you call a Jewish mechanic?

A Michelin Mensch!

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A mans car womt run, so he takes it to the mechanic...

Mechanic: you used subpar fuel wich corroded your injectors and intake manifold.

Man: english please?

Mechanic: low quality gas ruined your engine.

Man: dumb it down for me, im not a rocket scientist.

Mechanic: bad go-go juice make your vroom vroom machine all fucky.
<...

A penguin takes his car to a mechanic...

The mechanic says “Go get something to eat, this will take a while.”

So the penguin goes to the local ice cream parlor across the street. He orders his ice cream but his flippers can’t hold onto the cone. So he just dives right in.

Ice cream is everywhere.

Afterward, he walks ...

A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a civil engineer were having a drink after work

As they drank, the conversation turned to God. Obviously, he was an engineer! But what sort of engineer?

The mechanical engineer brought up the perfection of the human joints and musculature. Surely that proved God was a mechanical engineer!

The electrical engineer responded that, wi...

Why are mechanics absent fathers?

Because they nut and bolt

A man had an adult daughter who he loved dearly but rarely met. He decided to send her a letter, and in it was hundreds of pieces of advice to help her succeed in life.

The advice ranged from career to cooking to basic mechanics; it was like a manual for life, and it took him a good while to rewrite, condense, and perfect.

When he went to the post office to send the letter, he met the mail deliverer Kurt. Kurt said he would deliver the letter.

The man...

A car mechanic had noticed something peculiar about the vehicles he was servicing.

It seemed to him that the German cars his customers brought in had more pronounced undersides than non-German ones. Audis were the worst offenders, and he was getting annoyed at how often he would have to work on cars that had less space for him to work between them and the ground.

One day, h...

This mechanic in my area went to jail for dealing drugs

I've been his customer for over 5 years...I had no clue he was a mechanic.

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Why are Mechanics Good at Cunnilingus?

Because they are used to dealing with things under the hood

If you go to a mechanics shop to get laid but get caught

do you screw, nut, and bolt?

My girlfriend told me this joke ten years ago. We've been married nine years today.

A penguin is driving to the mall when all of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood. Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to i...

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A priest goes the mechanic....

He tells the mechanic "hey,I just brought in my car last week ,and since you guys worked on it it's been leaking all over the garage .the mechanic says "my apologies father.come back tomorrow we'll have it tip top for you."
The priest returns the next day and asks,"well, how is it?".
The ...

A mechanic falls onto his tools...

It was a gut-wrenching experience.

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Tesco mechanical doctor

Tesco have installed a medical machine, that for £5 and a urine sample, would diagnose any condition. When my mate went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my mate wondered if he could fool the machi...

“Son In Iraq I killed 15 people.”

Son: Dad you were a helicopter mechanic

Dad: Never said I was a good one

A penguin, some ice cream, and a mechanic.

A penguin is driving in the desert on a remote highway, when his car suddenly begins making funny noises, and smoke begins pouring out of the engine.

He pulls into a gas station that also happens to have a mechanic. He asks the mechanic about his car being fixed.

“I’ll take a look at ...

I told her I'm a mechanical engineer

I can't fix her car, but I can screw, nut, and bolt.

Four Engineers

4 Engineers get into a car. A Mechanical Engineer, a Petroleum Engineer, an Electrical Engineer, and a Network Engineer. They go to start the car and nothing. The Mechanical Engineer says, "Hey guys, we've got a bad starter, we're going to need to fix that before the car will start." The Petrole...

A boy desperately needs money to buy a new car

However, his mother forcibly tells him no. The boy, undeterred, decides to get a job to pay. He applies for many jobs, ranging from a mechanic to delivering newspapers. However, he is not accepted for any of them. Slowly, he gives up on his dream of buying a car.

Weeks later, the boy tells hi...

An mechanical engineer, electrician and programmer are driving in a car.

After few hours their car suddenly stops and they start to wonder what went wrong.

Mechanical engineer says: "I bet there's something wrong with the engine."

Electrician says: "I think the battery might be dead."

Programmer thinks for a while and then says: "Guys, what if we get...

A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a computer engineer are riding in a car.

The car brakes down and coast to the side of the road.

"Hang on," says the mechanical engineer. "The problem is probably the engine, let me have a look at it and I'll have us on the road again in no time."

"Wait," says the electrical engineer. "The way it just stopped like that, I th...

A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and an architect are sitting around, talking

They get onto the topic of how amazing the human body is. The mechanical engineer says “God must’ve been a mechanical engineer, I mean, look at the human skeletal system, so well put together, amazing how he did that” the electrical engineer says “no, God was an electrical engineer. Not even the bes...

A blond walks into a mechanic's shop.

She is concerned because her car has a lot of miles and nobody wants to buy it from her. The mechanic tells her that for a price, he can roll back the odometer. After she agrees, he does just that, telling her she can now sell her car. He blond says, "why would I do that? It has lower mileage now!"

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A man asked his wife if she can make him something to eat.

And she replied "Do I look like a fucking cook to you?".

A little later he asked if she has washed his favorite shirt.

She replied "Do I look like a fucking maid to you?"

Some time later the wife left and came home after a few hours. She was surprised to see a beautiful dinner ...

Three engineering students were discussing how God designed the human body.

The first one says, "God must be a mechanical engineer. Just look at the muscles and joints."

The second one says, "No, God is an electrical engineer. See all those neurons."

The third one said, "Actually, God is a civil engineer. Who else runs a toxic waste pipeline through a recreati...

How do you know if a mechanic has gotten laid lately?

They have one clean finger.

Why is it so hard to be a plumber or mechanic in Soviet Russia?

Because you aren’t allowed to change anything about the system.

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Things where Mechanics and Dentists are similar: drills, fluids, expensive without insurance. Things where Mechanics and Dentists Differ:

Dentists will at least wait until your asleep before they try and fuck you

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A priest visits a mechanic to get his annual car maintenance

The mechanic says his car is in good shape and that it shouldn't take too long so it wouldn't hurt to wait around a bit. As the mechanic was finishing putting the wheels back on the car he notices the priest's concerned look.

"What's the matter sir?"

"Oh, I had a wheel come loose last ...

A mechanic bought a bed

He sleeps under it

A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a building engineer are having a night out...

After a couple of drinks, they are having a chat about god,



The mechanical engineer starts:

"Have you noticed how brilliantly humans mechanics are designed. The joints and the drivetrain are so perfectly executed, that I think God must be a mechanical engineer."


...

A penguin takes his car to the mechanic because it has been running rough.

The mechanic tells the penguin that he can check it out to see what the problem is but it will take sometime.

The penguin says "okay," and he heads to the soda shop across the street and gets a soft serve.

After about an hour the penguin goes back to the auto shop. He ask the mechani...

What did the arts graduate say to the mechanic?

Would you like fries with that?

A cardiologist's car breaks down and he goes to a mechanic to get it fixed.

After everything is done, the mechanic asks the cardiologist,

"Here's what I don't understand. I fix engines, and so do you, albeit human ones, so why do you get paid ten times more than I do?"

The cardiologist then turns the ignition on and says, "try it with the engine running."

Three different types of engineers are debating which of their fields God must have worked in

A mechanical engineer speaks first. "Look at the joints, look at the tendons and ligaments, look at how strong our bones are. God was clearly a mechanical engineer."


An electrical engineer chimes in. "Are you kidding me? Look at the nerves, look at the way our brain can fire off a c...

Did you hear about the man who invented the escalator?

He was mechanically inclined

An Eskimo goes to the mechanic

the mechanic says "It looks like you blew a seal." and the Eskimo says "No, that's just frost on my mustache."

There was a Pirate Captain who had an interesting way of pillaging ships..

Prowling the edges of dangerous waters where storms and large reefs were common, the Captain and his crew would pick out the most stricken merchant vessels limping out of a storm, then swiftly close in.

&nbsp;

Once their pirate ship was alongside the merchant vessel however, the ...

A heart surgeon took his car to his local garage for a regular service, where he usually exchanged a little friendly banter with the owner, a skilled but not especially wealthy mechanic.

"So tell me," says the mechanic, "I've been wondering about what we both do for a living, and how much more you get paid than me.."
"Yes?.." says the surgeon.
"Well look at this," says the mechanic, as he worked on a big complicated engine, "I check how it's running, open it up, fix the valves...

I have a degree in the design and mechanics of television controllers

I don't know what I'm going to do with this remote knowledge.

There once was a young mechanic named Eric, who got a job on an off-shore oil derrick . . .

He wasn't about to be party to a limerick, so he devoted himself to doing the best job he could to assist with the maintenance of all the machinery. He looked after the power generators, the pumps, the hydraulic systems and even did a little work on the electric systems.

One day, Eric was wo...

My grandad killed 50 German pilots in WW2

He wasn't a very skilled mechanic.

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My dad was a WWII veteran.

During the Battle of Britain, in just one day, he destroyed 8 German aircrafts killing 32 Nazis.

Literally the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

So my rich brother in law bought a Jag. And one day while he was at a stop light

My destitute nephew, Ronnie, pulled up beside him in his 2003 Toyota. 

They are happy to see each other, the difference in wealth has never been an issue between them.

"How are you nephew?" say Mel “Have you seen my new Jag?"

"My that’s a fancy car, so let me ask you, what kind ...

An Engineer, a Physicist and an A&P Aircraft Mechanic

An Engineer, a Physicist and an A&P aircraft mechanic were all having an argument as to who was the smartest. One of them proposed a contest to settle the matter once and for all.

For the contest, they would lock each of them in a room with three ball bearings for one week. At the end of...

The local mechanic was arrested for being a drug dealer.

I've been his customers for 4 years and I never knew he was a mechanic.

I was going to tell a joke about quantum mechanics

but even though its funny, it's also unfunny at the same time.

A guy took his 1973 Volkswagen Beetle to a blond mechanic and said

"My engine is missing." The mechanic raised the hood and said "Oh wow, you're right! But how the heck did you drive it here?"

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My Grandfather took down dozens of Nazi planes in ww2.

Worst mechanic Germany ever had.

Did you hear about the mechanic with a fear of commitment?

He likes to screw, nut and bolt.

A penguin is going on vacation, as he is driving down the road his engine start to make a funny noise....

So he pulls into a station and asks the mechanic to take a look at his car. The mechanic tells the penguin there two other cars before him but there is an ice cream shop across the street. He could go have an ice cream and when he is done come back and maybe he will know what's wrong. The penguin lo...

My great-grandfather in WWII

My great grandpa was responsible for the downing of over 25 German aircraft during the war.


He was the worst mechanic in the whole Luftwaffe.

A penguin is driving when he sees a check engine light on. He takes his car to the mechanic and then goes for ice cream.

A penguin is driving when he sees a check engine light on. He takes his car to the mechanic and then goes for ice cream. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks ...

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Wrong number.

A lady called a music store about a recording, but dialed wrong and connected with a mechanic instead. She asked, "Do you have 2 lips and 7 kisses?"
He said, "No..But I have 2 balls and 7 inches."
She responded, "Is that a record?"
He said, "No But it's a damn good average"

He’s too strong to be kept alive!

When I was a little boy, I was playing with my toys, *whistling*. Ahhh, the beauties of youth. I vroomed my toy car here and there and sang when I was interrupted with an aggresive rap on the front door. I opened the door and I saw nowone there. But as I looked down, I saw a snail. “Hey sir, what yo...

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My grandfather was responsible for 49 downed German planes.

Still to this day, he holds the record for worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

Fuck word to hide the post since I cant mark it as spoiler on mobile

What’s the difference between a mechanic and a doctor?

Mechanics wash their hands BEFORE they pee.

My grandfather killed 43 German pilots during World War 2.

Honestly though it’s on them for making an alcoholic a Luftwaffe mechanic

A chemical engineer, a mechanical engineer and a software engineer are diving in a car....

... when they begin down a hill and the brakes fail! The car goes faster and faster and eventually veers off the road through a guard rail, through some woods, narrowly missing numerous trees and boulders and miraculously comes to a stop in some bushes with no one being injured. After catching the...

An Eskimo's snowmobile breaks down

He brings it to the local mechanic who after some time pulls the whole engine apart and finds the problem.
Mechanic says "looks like you blew a seal"
Eskimos wipes his face quickly and says
"Oh, That's just mayonnaise"

[at auto mechanic]

\[at auto mechanic\]

MECHANIC: Can I help you?

ME: My car won't start

MECHANIC: Umm, that's a bicycle

ME: Because my car won't start, are you even listening?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The talking horse.

A man travels quietly in his car when suddenly it breaks down. The man is then forced to get off and check his car engine.

He did not understand what was happening when suddenly a brown horse with white spots approaches to see the car engine.

"It's the carburetor" the man listens, but ...

A gynecologist was getting tired of his job and decided to switch careers.

He'd always enjoyed tinkering with engines, so he enrolled in a school for car mechanics. When the class ended, the students were given their final exam: strip a car engine completely and reassemble it in perfect working order.
The gynecologist did his best-and was amazed to find he scored 150%. ...

How did the auto mechanic pass his class on government?

He had all the right answers “hon da’ civics” exam!

How do you know a mechanic had a good date?

He has two clean fingers.

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"Grandpa, tell the story again when you broke a duck's neck with your erection at your brother's wedding!"

Well, children, the year was 1922. I had nothing more than a flatcap, a shovel, and my favorite pint glass to my name. It was around the time where cars were a brand new luxury and a lass would let you put a thumb in her bum just to honk the horn. Well as luck would have it, I was out peat poaching ...

One day a mechanic was working under a car

And some brake fluid dripped into his mouth. "Wow! That stuff isn't too bad tasting," he thought. The next day, he told his buddy about tasting the brake fluid. "It was pretty good, really. I think I'll have a little more today."


His friend was a little concerned but didn't say anything....

I'm happy to announce my new tree surgery business -

Poplar Mechanics

Did you hear about the unfashionable mechanic?

He needed to change attire.

(I'm probably too proud of myself for making this one; someone's almost definitely done it before.)

What did the mechanic do when...

What did the mechanic do when he was with his GF and her parents car pulls into the driveway?

He nutted and bolted.

A penguin was taking a summer road trip...

A penguin was taking a summer road trip in the American Southwest when his car broke down and he got a tow to the nearest shop. The mechanic told him it would take an hour to check his car, so the penguin waddled across the street to an ice cream shop and ordered a vanilla cone, which he made a huge...

My Neighborhood's mechanic.

It's amazing how unexpected things happen around us, my neighborhood's mechanic was just arrested by the police for selling drugs...

Who would've known! I've been his customer for 3 years and I never realized he was a mechanic til now.

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