Did you hear about the racist chemist?

He joined the Potassium Potassium Potassium

What are you supposed to do with a dead chemist?

Barium.

How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?

Ask them to pronounce “unionized.”

A chemist fell into a cold chamber at -459.67° F.

He was 0K.

What is the difference between mathematicians and chemists?

Mathematicians have problems. Chemists have solutions.

Two chemists walk into a bar.

The first one says, “I’ll have some H2O.”
The second says, “I’ll have some water too. But why’d you order it like that? We aren’t at work.”
The first chemist excuses himself and weeps in the bathroom.
His assassination plot had failed...

What do you do with a sick chemist?

If you can't helium, and you can't curium, then you might as well barium.

Hey pretty lady, are you a chemist?

Because I'd really like to test your tubes.

What did the chemist say when his wife bought him concentrated sulfuric acid for his birthday?

"Wow. 18 molar. This means a lot to me."

An anti-joke I wrote

3 nuns, a rabbi, a soldier, 4 orphans, 2 blind men, 6 white guys, a Jew, 4 Koreans, a Canadian, 2 Italians, 6 prison guards, 5 blondes, 3 polish women, 4 atheists, a doctor, 7 grad students, 2 firemen, 3 birthday clowns, a police officer, 9 soccer moms, 2 soccer dads, a biologist, a chemist, 3 physi...

What do they call a chemist who makes sodas?

A fizzycist.

Two chemists walk into a bar. One says "I'll have H20." The other says, "I'll have H20 too."

They both enjoy a nice glass of water, because what kind of bar has hydrogen peroxide on tap?

When chemists die...

they barium

What do you call a tree owned by a chemist?

Chemist's tree!

I'm not trying to get technical on you Mom, BUT.....

 

 

...according to chemistry, alcohol is a solution..

A chemist walks into his pharmacy

A chemist walks into his pharmacy and sees a man standing in the corner with his hand on his stomach. He asks his assistant what happened. "the man came in with a cough but since we were out of cough syrup I gave him a laxative" his assistant says. "you can't treat a cough with a laxative" the chemi...

An organic chemist, an analytical chemist, and a physical chemist....

An organic chemist, an analytical chemist, and a physical chemist are asked if a certain horse will win the race. The organic chemist asks what the horse has been eating and drugs given to it. The analytical chemist asks for the makeup of the track and mud. The physical chemist starts with "If we as...

What's an Egyptian chemist's favorite type of liquid?

Phaorah fluid.

A chemist walks into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall.

“What’s wrong with him?” he asks his assistant.
“He came in for some cough syrup,” the assistant explains “but I couldn’t find any, so I sold him a bottle of laxatives instead”.
“What?!” the chemist says, horrified. “You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!”
“Of course you can,” the assist...

So i bought some condoms from a chemist and the shop assistant said "Do you need a bag ?"..

"She's not that ugly" I replied...

A chemist, a biologist and a mathematician are sitting in a cafe, looking out of the window.

They all watch three people walk into a house across the road. After 20 minutes, only two people leave the same house.

The scientists are very confused about what has happened.

'The measurements varied, and therefore the measuring equipment was likely inaccurate,' declares the chemist,...

What is the hentai chemist's favorite element?

Manganese...



I'll show myself out.

An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician ...

An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, a biologist, and a chemist are each asked to compute the volume of a little red rubber ball.

The mathematician finds the equation of the surface, performs a triple integral, and computes the volume

The physicist dunks the ball in a pool of wat...

Germany owed a massive debt to France after the treaty of Versailles

One day, Germany couldn't afford to pay the weekly payment to France. So France gathered a band of soldiers and rode into a small town in Rhineland on trucks, hoping to find anything valuable as reparation. After inspecting the town for a brief moment, they took its tram tracks and street lamps back...

A chemist walks into reddit

He does some research on certain posts and discovers that they are made up of atoms.

After some thought, he concludes that the posts at the top of r/all contain mostly hydrogen atoms, because hydrogen is the lightest element, so these posts naturally rise to the top. He decides to name these ...

A physicist, a biologist and a chemist visit the local beach on a fine day.

The physicist says, "I want to do reasearch about the fluid dynamics of the ocean water."

He walks into the ocean and does not come back.

The biologist says, "I want to do research about the flora and fauna of the ocean."

He, too, walks into the ocean and does not come back.
...

If you ever have a problem, ask any chemist.

They will always have a solution.

A chemist, a mechanic, a electrician, and a programmer were driving in a car when it broke down.

"This must be because we've mixed the wrong fuel additive!" said the chemist.



"Bollocks!" said the mechanic. "This is clearly a mechanical problem. There must be something wrong with the engine."



"Both of you are wrong. The problem lies with the car wiring and the batte...

You need some science to understand the joke

This is a joke my friend made.

Once there were two chemist. One day, after work, they both went to a restaurant for dinning.

The waiter came, and asked what they wanted to order.

"Please give me a cup of H2O,"said the first chemist.

"A cup of H2O too," the second chemist ...

What’s the difference between a chemist and an alchemist?

Aluminum

Jay-Z says the same thing when he's at home and when he's at the chemist.

'lemme get some of that Oral B.

Did you hear about the chemist who was arrested?

He threw sodium chloride at his wife, that's a salt!

What did the criminal chemist say as he was escaping from a police officer?

Cu later Copper!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A drunk man goes to chemist & shouts: “I want condom”

Chemist: “Sir, please be decent”
Drunk man puts his dick on table and said: “ Do you have clothes for this gentleman”

What does the chemist's dog do to bones?

Barium.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a chemist say when he comes out of the closet for being bisexual?

Iodine, Americium, Bismuth.

A physicist, a biologist, and a chemist were going to the ocean for the first time.

The physicist saw the ocean and was fascinated by the waves. He said he wanted to do some research on the fluid dynamics of the waves and walked into the ocean. He never returned.

The biologist said he wanted to do research on the flora and fauna inside the ocean and walked inside the ocean. ...

A biologist, a chemist and a statistician are out hunting...

The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5th to the left.

The chemist takes a shot and misses 5th to the right.

The statistician yells "We got 'em!"

A chemist tried to impress his beautiful lab assistant...

He began my mixing two chemicals previously uncombined in hopes it would produce a strong aphrodisiac. Upon smelling the fumes, the assistant instantly vomited onto the chemist’s face.

That was not the reaction he was hoping for.

What do interested chemists and 12 year-old hackers have in common?

Inspect element

I asked my chemist father for a PB and J sandwich

But all I got was lead poisoning

What did the chemist say when he found 2 new isotopes of Helium ?

HeHe

A chemist went to see a doctor

"Doctor, I don't feel thirst and keep finding myself always dehydrated". "Drink 8 glasses of fluid a day as a guideline" adviced the doctor.

"Can I count in fruit juice?" asked the man. "Since they do contain a bit of sugar, don't forget to supplement the fluid intake with H20 too" replied th...

Chemist 1 says he will have an H2O. Chemist 2 says he will have an H2O too.

Chemist 3 says why can’t you guys just say water. This is why I never take you guys out anymore.

Johnny was a chemist's son, but Johnny is no more...

...for what he thought was H20 was H2SO4!

Why couldn't the chemist laugh at the queens fart?

Because noble gases are nonreactive.

What does a chemist use to determine how good a party is?

Litness paper

A physicist, a chemist and a statistician walk into an office...

...to discover the trash can is on fire.

The physicist announces "We must put the garbage can in the fridge so that the temperature will be below the ignition temperature and therefore put itself out!"

The chemist replies "No, we must cover the garbage can so that the fire consumes all...

Two chemists are at a restaurant

Waiter: What can I get you?

Chemist 1: I'll have some H2O

Chemist 2: I'll have some H2O also

Waiter, chemists 2's arch nemesis in disguise: [under breath] so close....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men broke into a chemist and stole all the Viagra...

The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals...

Why are so many chemists addicted to alcohol?

Because they are sure alcohol is a solution.

Two chemists walk into a bar.

The first chemist says "I'll have some H20."

The second chemist says "I'll have some H20 too."

The bartender, catching on quickly, gives them both glasses of water.

The second chemist steps out behind the bar and begins crying, realizing that his suicide attempt has ...

What group do racist chemists join?

Potassium Potassium Potassium

Two Chemists Were Talking

Chemist 1 : I'm afraid I forgot a couple polyatomic ion formulas

Chemist 2 : Which ones?

Chemist 1 : Hydroxide and Nitrate

Chemist 2 : OH NO3

A chemist once told a joke

There was no reaction.

Why are chemists bad at telling Jokes?

Because they lack the element of surprise.

I would make a chemistry joke, but seems like all the chemists here...

...Argon.

What instrument did the chemist play in the band?

The base guitar.

What do Spanish chemists call bath salts?

Baña Na

Two chemist go to a bar

They sit at the counter and one chemist orders for his buddy.
“I’ll have a glass of H20, and he’ll have a glass of H20 too.”

The bartender is noticeably confused and looks to the gentlemen at the end of the bar.

The linguist replies. “Water you looking at me for?”

a chemist, a physicist and a mathematician sleep at a hotel.

Suddenly a fire breaks out.
The chemist in his hotel room panics, look around him, sees the fire extinguisher, successfully extinguishes the fire and leaves the hotel.
The physicist in his room panics as well, looks around him, sees the window, looks outside, sees a swimming pool. he does...

How can you tell the difference between a biologist and a chemist in the bathroom?

A biologist washes his hands after peeing, a chemist washes his hands before.

A physicist, a chemist and an economist are stranded on a desert island ...

... and all they have to eat are cans of food and they're discussing the best way to open them.

The physicist says, let's not overthink this - just bash them open with rocks!

The chemist says, "No, we need to create a fire anyway and we can simply use the heat to cause the cans to burs...

Being a clumsy chemist is like going to the rave...

Sometimes you drop the base and trip on acid.

Why do chemists like nitrates so much?

They're cheaper than day rates.

What did the amputee chemist say as he attached his new leg?

Neon.

What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?

A ferrous wheel

Why did the Chemist and Physicist refuse to hang out with the Biologist?

Because he had terrible bi.o

A chemist, a biologist and an electrical engineer were on death row waiting to go in the electric chair.

The chemist was brought forward first. "Do you have anything you want to say?" asked the executioner, strapping him in.

No," replied the chemist. The executioner flicked the switch and nothing happened. Under State law, if an execution attempt fails, the prisoner is to be released, so the che...

I used to be a chemist like you...

But then I took an arrow to the Ne.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is a sex-addicted chemist’s favorite experiment?

Making a hormone.

A chemist walks into a bar...

He sees a group of other chemists who he works with and says to both the bartender and the chemists, "Gentlemen, tonight, all the drinks are on me!"

The chemists woo and cheer as the bartender says, "Wow, well you must have had a good day at work today then."

"Fantastic!" the chemist r...

Why can't you scare a chemist?

...because they always lack the element of surprise...

Why do chemists call Helium, Curium, and Barium 'the medical elements'?

Because, if you can't 'helium' or 'curium', you 'barium'!

A young girl started work in the village chemist shop.

She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public. The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own.

She had to confide in him her worries about selling the condoms.

"Look," he said. "My regular customers don't a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Scotsman at the chemist's shop.

A Scotsman went into a chemist's shop, and asked to buy some arsenic.

"That'll be a pound - er, what do you want it for?" the chemist asked suspiciously.

"Fifty pence," replied the Scotsman.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two chemists walk into a bar

The Bartender asks what they want to drink

Chemist 1: I’ll have an H2O

Chemist 2: See this is why I fucking hate going out with you, you pretentious fuck. Just call it water.

Two chemists walk into a bar

They walk up to the bartender and the first one says:

"I'll have a glass of H2O."

The other then says to his companion:

"Why don't you just say water? I understand that we're chemists an all that, but you don't need to walk around using random terms!"

The first chemist, f...

Two chemists walk into a bar.

The first chemist, who had a major disagreement with the second and knows the second chemist only drink water, says to the bartender, "I'll take some H2O."

The second chemist automatically responds, "I'll take some H2O too."

The bartender shrugs then turns around and promptly gives the...

I asked my chemist friend if it took him 4 years to get his degree...

He said "Sodium Bromate."

A chemist, an engineer and a mathematician were all asleep in a hotel when several fires broke out in their respective rooms....

The engineer woke up, saw the fire, ran into the bathroom, turned on the faucets full-blast, flooding out the entire apartment, which put out the fire, and went back to sleep.

The chemist woke up, saw the fire, ran over to his desk, pulled out his CRC (chemistry handbook), and began working o...

An economist, a chemist, and a physicist are stranded on an island with nothing to eat but a can of beans.

The chemist says, "Hey, there's a small tide pool of salt water over there. If we set the can in it the salinity will cause the can to rust/disintegrate and we can eat the beans." The physicist laughed and said, " You moron, by the time the salt eats through the can, we will have died of hunger. We...

A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician were supposed to give a guest lecture at a school.

When they arrive at the classroom, the professors see with alarm that there is a fire in the wastebasket.

The physicist says, "We must cool down the materials until their temperature is lower than the ignition temperature and then the fire will go out."

The chemist says, "No! No! We ...

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