High I.Q joke

Two chemists walk into a bar. The first one says “I’ll have H2O please”. The second chemist says “I’ll have water too”. The first chemist scowls, his assassination attempt failed.

Did you hear about the racist chemist?

He recently joined the Potassium Potassium Potassium.

What do you do with a sick chemist?

If you can't helium, and you can't curium, then you might as well barium.

What do they call a chemist who makes sodas?

A fizzycist.

What do you do with a dead chemist?

You barium

Hey pretty lady, are you a chemist?

Because I'd really like to test your tubes.

A chemist, a biologist and a mathematician are sitting in a cafe, looking out of the window.

They all watch three people walk into a house across the road. After 20 minutes, only two people leave the same house.

The scientists are very confused about what has happened.

'The measurements varied, and therefore the measuring equipment was likely inaccurate,' declares the chemist,...

I'm not trying to get technical on you Mom, BUT.....

 

 

...according to chemistry, alcohol is a solution..

A chemist walks into his pharmacy

A chemist walks into his pharmacy and sees a man standing in the corner with his hand on his stomach. He asks his assistant what happened. "the man came in with a cough but since we were out of cough syrup I gave him a laxative" his assistant says. "you can't treat a cough with a laxative" the chemi...

What do you call a tree owned by a chemist?

Chemist's tree!

What's the difference between an electrician and a chemist?

The electrician likes his work to be unionized, while the chemist likes his work to be unionized.

How can you tell a construction worker from a chemist?

You ask him to pronounce “Unionized“

A chemist walks into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall.

“What’s wrong with him?” he asks his assistant.
“He came in for some cough syrup,” the assistant explains “but I couldn’t find any, so I sold him a bottle of laxatives instead”.
“What?!” the chemist says, horrified. “You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!”
“Of course you can,” the assist...

What's an Egyptian chemist's favorite type of liquid?

Phaorah fluid.

An organic chemist, an analytical chemist, and a physical chemist....

An organic chemist, an analytical chemist, and a physical chemist are asked if a certain horse will win the race. The organic chemist asks what the horse has been eating and drugs given to it. The analytical chemist asks for the makeup of the track and mud. The physical chemist starts with "If we as...

What’s the difference between a chemist and an alchemist?

Aluminum

A chemist walks into reddit

He does some research on certain posts and discovers that they are made up of atoms.

After some thought, he concludes that the posts at the top of r/all contain mostly hydrogen atoms, because hydrogen is the lightest element, so these posts naturally rise to the top. He decides to name these ...

So i bought some condoms from a chemist and the shop assistant said "Do you need a bag ?"..

"She's not that ugly" I replied...

A biologist, a chemist and a statistician are out hunting...

The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5th to the left.

The chemist takes a shot and misses 5th to the right.

The statistician yells "We got 'em!"

If you ever have a problem, ask any chemist.

They will always have a solution.

A casket fell out of a Funeral Car and rolled down a hill and into a Chemist

The man inside gets out and says ''Have you got anything to stop my Coffin''

A chemist, a mechanic, a electrician, and a programmer were driving in a car when it broke down.

"This must be because we've mixed the wrong fuel additive!" said the chemist.



"Bollocks!" said the mechanic. "This is clearly a mechanical problem. There must be something wrong with the engine."



"Both of you are wrong. The problem lies with the car wiring and the batte...

What is the hentai chemist's favorite element?

Manganese...



I'll show myself out.

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A drunk man goes to chemist & shouts: “I want condom”

Chemist: “Sir, please be decent”
Drunk man puts his dick on table and said: “ Do you have clothes for this gentleman”

Two chemists walk into a Bar

chemist 1: I’ll have some H2O

chemist 2: I’ll have some H2O also

chemist 2’s arch nemesis disguised as the bartender: [under breath] so close....

A physicist, a biologist and a chemist visit the local beach on a fine day.

The physicist says, "I want to do reasearch about the fluid dynamics of the ocean water."

He walks into the ocean and does not come back.

The biologist says, "I want to do research about the flora and fauna of the ocean."

He, too, walks into the ocean and does not come back.
...

Jay-Z says the same thing when he's at home and when he's at the chemist.

'lemme get some of that Oral B.

If I lived in Italy, worked in a Chemist, and loved Reddit

Would that make me a Parma, Pharma, Karma Farmer?

Did you hear about the chemist who was arrested?

He threw sodium chloride at his wife, that's a salt!

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What does a chemist say when he comes out of the closet for being bisexual?

Iodine, Americium, Bismuth.

A physicist, a biologist, and a chemist were going to the ocean for the first time.

The physicist saw the ocean and was fascinated by the waves. He said he wanted to do some research on the fluid dynamics of the waves and walked into the ocean. He never returned.

The biologist said he wanted to do research on the flora and fauna inside the ocean and walked inside the ocean. ...

What do alcoholics and chemists have in common?

They both view alcohol as a solution.

Johnny was a chemist, Johnny is no more

What Johnny thought was water, was H2SO4

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A Redditor became a chemist

And decided to seek his fortune making breath mints.




He made one set of mints that were saturated in caffeine. It made him a significant amount of money but people complained about being a little too agitated by them.




He followed up with a heavily alcoholic var...

what do chemists’ dogs do with their bones?

they barium!

Why did the chemist got fired?

He was caught at his workplace looking at polonium radon

As a chemist I can conclude that Freddie Mercury's voice is full of beryllium, gold and titanium

Because his voice is Be-Au-Ti-full

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Two Chemists Walk into a Bar

“I’ll have an H2O,” one scientist says.

"I’ll have an H2O, too,” the other says.

The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position as well as pragmatic context.

What did the criminal chemist say as he was escaping from a police officer?

Cu later Copper!

My mother pushed me to become a chemist, she said i would be rich

now im full of calcium, sulphur and hydrogen, but got no money

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What did the chemist say to her coworker who kept asking about her work with element 83?

"It's none of your bismuth."

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My chemist wife sometimes uses a test tube as a dildo

She likes it but I think its fucking vial

A chicken farmer is having a problem with the number of eggs the chickens are laying. They hires 3 scientists to help them figure it out, a Biologist, A Chemist, and a Physicist.

The Biologist runs some tests and tells the farmer that the hormone levels are off and a better living condition might help.
The Chemist does some tests and tells the farmer that the feed doesn't contain enough calcium for the birds to produce eggs and suggests changing to a calcium rich diet wou...

Chemist 1 says he will have an H2O. Chemist 2 says he will have an H2O too.

Chemist 3 says why can’t you guys just say water. This is why I never take you guys out anymore.

A chemist tried to impress his beautiful lab assistant...

He began my mixing two chemicals previously uncombined in hopes it would produce a strong aphrodisiac. Upon smelling the fumes, the assistant instantly vomited onto the chemist’s face.

That was not the reaction he was hoping for.

I asked my chemist father for a PB and J sandwich

But all I got was lead poisoning

What do interested chemists and 12 year-old hackers have in common?

Inspect element

What did the chemist say when he found 2 new isotopes of Helium ?

HeHe

A chemist went to see a doctor

"Doctor, I don't feel thirst and keep finding myself always dehydrated". "Drink 8 glasses of fluid a day as a guideline" adviced the doctor.

"Can I count in fruit juice?" asked the man. "Since they do contain a bit of sugar, don't forget to supplement the fluid intake with H20 too" replied th...

Two chemists walk into a bar.

The first chemist says "I'll have some H20."

The second chemist says "I'll have some H20 too."

The bartender, catching on quickly, gives them both glasses of water.

The second chemist steps out behind the bar and begins crying, realizing that his suicide attempt has ...

Why couldn't the chemist laugh at the queens fart?

Because noble gases are nonreactive.

Two Chemists Were Talking

Chemist 1 : I'm afraid I forgot a couple polyatomic ion formulas

Chemist 2 : Which ones?

Chemist 1 : Hydroxide and Nitrate

Chemist 2 : OH NO3

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A chemist has invented a laughing gas that's also a laxative...

It was mostly for shits and giggles

What does a chemist use to determine how good a party is?

Litness paper

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Two men broke into a chemist and stole all the Viagra...

The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals...

I’d love to make a Chemistry joke

But it’s a shame all of the good ones Argon.

A physicist, a chemist and an economist are stranded on a desert island ...

... and all they have to eat are cans of food and they're discussing the best way to open them.

The physicist says, let's not overthink this - just bash them open with rocks!

The chemist says, "No, we need to create a fire anyway and we can simply use the heat to cause the cans to burs...

A physicist, a chemist and a statistician walk into an office...

...to discover the trash can is on fire.

The physicist announces "We must put the garbage can in the fridge so that the temperature will be below the ignition temperature and therefore put itself out!"

The chemist replies "No, we must cover the garbage can so that the fire consumes all...

What do Spanish chemists call bath salts?

Baña Na

How can you tell the difference between a biologist and a chemist in the bathroom?

A biologist washes his hands after peeing, a chemist washes his hands before.

What group do racist chemists join?

Potassium Potassium Potassium

Two chemists walk into a restaurant after work

Two chemists walk into a restaurant after work, they sit down at there table and order drinks. The first chemist says, "I will have some H20", the second chemist says, "I will have a glass of water, and dude why are you referring to it so strangely, we aren't at work anymore."

The first chemi...

A chemist once told a joke

There was no reaction.

Why are chemists bad at telling Jokes?

Because they lack the element of surprise.

Two chemist go to a bar

They sit at the counter and one chemist orders for his buddy.
“I’ll have a glass of H20, and he’ll have a glass of H20 too.”

The bartender is noticeably confused and looks to the gentlemen at the end of the bar.

The linguist replies. “Water you looking at me for?”

What instrument did the chemist play in the band?

The base guitar.

a chemist, a physicist and a mathematician sleep at a hotel.

Suddenly a fire breaks out.
The chemist in his hotel room panics, look around him, sees the fire extinguisher, successfully extinguishes the fire and leaves the hotel.
The physicist in his room panics as well, looks around him, sees the window, looks outside, sees a swimming pool. he does...

Why do chemists like nitrates so much?

They're cheaper than day rates.

Being a clumsy chemist is like going to the rave...

Sometimes you drop the base and trip on acid.

Two chemists walk into a bar.

The first chemist, who had a major disagreement with the second and knows the second chemist only drink water, says to the bartender, "I'll take some H2O."

The second chemist automatically responds, "I'll take some H2O too."

The bartender shrugs then turns around and promptly gives the...

What did the amputee chemist say as he attached his new leg?

Neon.

What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?

A ferrous wheel

Why did the Chemist and Physicist refuse to hang out with the Biologist?

Because he had terrible bi.o

I used to be a chemist like you...

But then I took an arrow to the Ne.

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Two chemists walk into a bar

The Bartender asks what they want to drink

Chemist 1: I’ll have an H2O

Chemist 2: See this is why I fucking hate going out with you, you pretentious fuck. Just call it water.

A chemist, a biologist and an electrical engineer were on death row waiting to go in the electric chair.

The chemist was brought forward first. "Do you have anything you want to say?" asked the executioner, strapping him in.

No," replied the chemist. The executioner flicked the switch and nothing happened. Under State law, if an execution attempt fails, the prisoner is to be released, so the che...

A young girl started work in the village chemist shop.

She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public. The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own.

She had to confide in him her worries about selling the condoms.

"Look," he said. "My regular customers don't a...

Why can't you scare a chemist?

...because they always lack the element of surprise...

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A Scotsman at the chemist's shop.

A Scotsman went into a chemist's shop, and asked to buy some arsenic.

"That'll be a pound - er, what do you want it for?" the chemist asked suspiciously.

"Fifty pence," replied the Scotsman.

Why do chemists call Helium, Curium, and Barium 'the medical elements'?

Because, if you can't 'helium' or 'curium', you 'barium'!

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