A biologist, a physicist, and a chemist go to the beach.

A biologist, a physicist, and a chemist go to the beach for the first time.

The biologist is amazed at the birds, the seaweed, the fish. He goes into the water for a closer look. Pretty soon the water is over his head. He drowns.

The physicist is mesmerized by the waves. T...

A world renowned chemist dies.

A world renowned chemist dies. His will states that he wishes for all of his favorite elements from the periodic table be included with his body. They go to his wife and ask "Are we really going to put a bunch of elements in his casket?
To which she replies
"No, just Barium"

A Chemist, an Engineer, an Electrician and an IT guy get stranded on the side of the road after their car break down...

It’s the dead of winter and the wind chill is below freezing. One of them gets off the phone with the towing company, “they said it’s going to be at least two hours.” They all stay in the car.

After a few minutes the Chemist tells the other three, “I’m pretty sure I know what happened......

A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician walk into an office to discover the trash can is on fire.

The physicist announces "We must put the garbage can in the fridge so that the temperature will be below the ignition temperature and therefore put itself out!"

The chemist replies "No, we must cover the garbage can so that the fire consumes all of the oxygen and, in the absence of reac...

Johnny was a chemist, a chemist who's no more

What he thought was H2O was H2SO4.

A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go hunting.

They come upon a deer and the physicist takes a shot that misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist then takes a shot that misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician declares, "We got him!!"

How a Chemist reads the alphabets

A B C D E F G water P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

The dying chemist tells his assistant..

To check the following numbers in the periodic table. Confused, but still wishing to follow his directions, he listens carefully and the chemist lists down the numbers, 10, 23, 47, 8, 7, 47, 53, 23, 63, 92, 15. After listung them down, the assistant tells the chemist he did it, and with a smile, the...

Why are chemists good at solving problems?

They have all the solutions.

What did the city say to the chemist getting evicted?

Cesium and desist

A physicist, chemist and computer scientific were traveling in a car

The car breaks down and all three of them step out and stare at the car.

The physicist says, "Probably a mechanical failure, let's look at the engine."

The chemist says, "Unlikely, the fuel is probably of a low grade which must be the culprit."

The computer scientist says, "Let'...

Did you hear about the part-time chemist?

He only worked periodically.

Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”

*Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water.*

I was in the chemist...

and I said to the assistant, "What gets rid of coronavirus?"

She said, "Ammonia cleaner."

I said, "Oh sorry, I thought you worked here!"

Two chemists walk into a bar.

Two chemists walk into a bar.

The first one says, "I'll have some H2O."

The second says, "I'll have some water too. But why'd you order it like that? We aren't at work."

The first chemist excuses himself and weeps in the bathroom. His assassination plot had failed.


A chemist froze himself at -273.15°C. Everyone said he was crazy..

..But he was 0K

How can you tell the difference between a plumber and a chemist?

Ask them to pronounce unionized

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What did the horny chemist say to her colleague?

Compound me.

I asked my Australian chemist friend for a faster internet browser to use.

He said, “Just use chromate”.

A chemist, a biologist and a quantum physicist go surfing.

Having developed a paranoid sense for lab safety precautions, the chemist is worried about jumping into water with unknown impurities.

The biologist knows the local marine wildlife and assures him that the water is perfectly safe for living beings, with plenty of fishes and squids present. <...

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An old man walks into a chemist and starts examining packs of viagra...

Nurse: Do you need any help there, sir?

Old Man: Yes, every Saturday my wife wants to have sex, but unfortunately, I can never get an erection. Which brand of viagra would you recommend?

Nurse: Well sir, everyone is different, but if you come with me to the counter, I can get you a pac...

What do you do with a sick chemist?

If you can't helium, and you can't curium, then you might as well barium.

A man walks into the chemist....

He says to the pharmacist, "I have a really bad case of piles, can you make me something up?"
The pharmacist says, "certainly sir, in fact we had Mick Jagger in this morning with exactly the same complaint"
"Oh really?" Says the man.
The pharmacist says, "no,I just made it up".

What do you with a dead chemist?


Two chemists walk into a bar. The first one says to the bartender "I'll have a H20". The second one says "I'll have a H2O as well", making sure to not have his order confused with H2O2.

The second chemist died anyway, because the bartender was a chemistry student who had been waiting his whole life for this.

Did you hear about the chemist who was arrested?

He threw sodium chloride at his wife, that's a salt.

Why do chemists like nitrates so much?

They're cheaper than day rates.

A chemist goes up to his friend.

He asks: "Do you want to hear a joke about Sodium, Bromine and Oxygen"

The friend answers: "NaBrO"

A chemist wants to open up a coffee shop

When the FDA comes to check his facility, they ask about his coffee recipe. He says, "I'm not like these other coffee shops. My coffee is made using pure science!

One part carbon monoxide and 2 parts iron."

I asked a chemist

"Where's the deoderant?

"Ball or aerosol," he asked.

"No," I said, "it's for my armpits."

How can you spot a Chemist in the bathroom?

They wash their hands
before they use the toilet.

Why can't chemists dogs' ever find their bones?

Because they barium

An Australian enters a chemist.

He walks up and tells the chick behind the counter,

"Yeah I'm looking for some deodorant."

She says "OK, ball or aerosol?"

He looks at her a little confused...

"Nah armpits"

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After queueing up for almost half an hour in the chemist last week,

I finally got to the
counter and the woman
looked at me and said,
"I'm really sorry about
your wait."

I replied,
"you're not so fucking
skinny yourself."

What do you do with a sick chemist?

First you try helium,then try curium,but if that doesn't work.You barium

Did you hear about the racist chemist?

He joined the Potassium Potassium Potassium

I knew a chemist who survived solely on oxygen and potassium.

When I asked him what he felt like, he said OK.

A chemist robbed a bank and got away.

Maybe if the guards had scandium before he left, the money would have benzene.

I WENT to the chemist to pick up a prescription..

The pharmacist said to me, “When taking this medication you may experience irritability, and pain in your hand and wrist. And that’s just from trying to get the cap off.”

I went to a chemist to get rid of the coronavirius

I went into chemist.
Asked the assistant 'what gets rid of coronavirus?'

She said 'ammonia cleaner'.

I said 'I'm sorry, I thought you worked here'

When chemists die,

we Barium.

What did the chemist get for his 69th birthday?

You’d think they’d give him Thulium, but really it was Nickel and Cerium.

(OC) An American chemist, a German chemist, and a French chemist are hanging out on a beach.

“Americium is the best element” brags the American chemist, “it’s used in smoke detectors and saves lives.”

“No way, germanium is way more awesome.” counters the German chemist, “without it, most electronic devices wouldn’t ever work.”

“Watch this, amateurs!” Says the French chemist, h...

A chemist walks into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall.

“What’s wrong with him?” he asks his assistant.
“He came in for some cough syrup,” the assistant explains “but I couldn’t find any, so I sold him a bottle of laxatives instead”.
“What?!” the chemist says, horrified. “You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!”
“Of course you can,” the assist...

Two chemists walk into a Bar

chemist 1: I’ll have some H2O

chemist 2: I’ll have some H2O also

chemist 2’s arch nemesis disguised as the bartender: [under breath] so close....

A chemist fell into a cold chamber at -459.67° F.

He was 0K.

A chemist walks into a bar and orders a Pb&J sandwich.

He dies of lead poisoning.

A chemist walks into his pharmacy

A chemist walks into his pharmacy and sees a man standing in the corner with his hand on his stomach. He asks his assistant what happened. "the man came in with a cough but since we were out of cough syrup I gave him a laxative" his assistant says. "you can't treat a cough with a laxative" the chemi...

What do alcoholics and chemists have in common?

They both view alcohol as a solution.

A Mathematician, A Physicist and A Chemist were on a Beach

They decided to put their expertise to use and conduct some research. The Math man said, "I'll jump into the water and measure the depth of the ocean." The Physicist said, "I will go and examine the density of the water at various depths." The Chemist said, "I will use the data you both collect and ...

What do they call a chemist who makes sodas?

A fizzycist.

What’s the difference between a chemist and an alchemist?


A chemist, a biologist and a mathematician are sitting in a cafe, looking out of the window.

They all watch three people walk into a house across the road. After 20 minutes, only two people leave the same house.

The scientists are very confused about what has happened.

'The measurements varied, and therefore the measuring equipment was likely inaccurate,' declares the chemist,...

Assuming this is funny.....

A physicist , chemist and an economist are shipwrecked. They have retrieved a box full of canned food but they don't have a can opener. The physicist
says "let's determine an angle at which if the can is thrown we can get it opened up"
The chemist chips in "let me think what metal is used to ...

A chemist walks into reddit

He does some research on certain posts and discovers that they are made up of atoms.

After some thought, he concludes that the posts at the top of r/all contain mostly hydrogen atoms, because hydrogen is the lightest element, so these posts naturally rise to the top. He decides to name these ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman goes to the pharmacist and asks for five kilos of arsenic.

The chemist says, "That's very dangerous, what do you want it for?"
Wife replies, "I'm giving it to my husband. He had an affair"
Chemist says, "Oh no, I could get in a lot of trouble for giving you that"
Wife goes into her purse and pulls out a photo of her husband.....having sex with the ...

Why couldn't the chemist laugh at the queens fart?

Because noble gases are nonreactive.

Five academics are locked in a room.

A chemist, biologist, engineer, pure mathematician, and business PhD are locked in a room, and each given a locked box with a key to the outside world in it, and told to figure out how to open it.

The chemist pours a powerful acid on it, dissolving it open. The engineer calculates the exact a...

Hey pretty lady, are you a chemist?

Because I'd really like to test your tubes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A chemist has invented a laughing gas that's also a laxative...

It was mostly for shits and giggles

A chemist, a mechanic, a electrician, and a programmer were driving in a car when it broke down.

"This must be because we've mixed the wrong fuel additive!" said the chemist.

"Bollocks!" said the mechanic. "This is clearly a mechanical problem. There must be something wrong with the engine."

"Both of you are wrong. The problem lies with the car wiring and the batte...

What do you call a tree owned by a chemist?

Chemist's tree!

If you ever have a problem, ask any chemist.

They will always have a solution.

A physicist, a biologist, and a chemist were going to the ocean for the first time.

The physicist saw the ocean and was fascinated by the waves. He said he wanted to do some research on the fluid dynamics of the waves and walked into the ocean. He never returned.

The biologist said he wanted to do research on the flora and fauna inside the ocean and walked inside the ocean. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a chemist say when he comes out of the closet for being bisexual?

Iodine, Americium, Bismuth.

An organic chemist, an analytical chemist, and a physical chemist....

An organic chemist, an analytical chemist, and a physical chemist are asked if a certain horse will win the race. The organic chemist asks what the horse has been eating and drugs given to it. The analytical chemist asks for the makeup of the track and mud. The physical chemist starts with "If we as...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Chemists Walk into a Bar

“I’ll have an H2O,” one scientist says.

"I’ll have an H2O, too,” the other says.

The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position as well as pragmatic context.

What did the chemist say when his wife bought him concentrated sulfuric acid for his birthday?

"Wow. 18 molar. This means a lot to me."

As a chemist I can conclude that Freddie Mercury's voice is full of beryllium, gold and titanium

Because his voice is Be-Au-Ti-full

So i bought some condoms from a chemist and the shop assistant said "Do you need a bag ?"..

"She's not that ugly" I replied...

A casket fell out of a Funeral Car and rolled down a hill and into a Chemist

The man inside gets out and says ''Have you got anything to stop my Coffin''

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A drunk man goes to chemist & shouts: “I want condom”

Chemist: “Sir, please be decent”
Drunk man puts his dick on table and said: “ Do you have clothes for this gentleman”

A chemist went to see a doctor

"Doctor, I don't feel thirst and keep finding myself always dehydrated". "Drink 8 glasses of fluid a day as a guideline" adviced the doctor.

"Can I count in fruit juice?" asked the man. "Since they do contain a bit of sugar, don't forget to supplement the fluid intake with H20 too" replied th...

I would make a chemistry joke, but seems like all the chemists here...


How can you tell the difference between a biologist and a chemist in the bathroom?

A biologist washes his hands after peeing, a chemist washes his hands before.

Why did the chemist got fired?

He was caught at his workplace looking at polonium radon

Jay-Z says the same thing when he's at home and when he's at the chemist.

'lemme get some of that Oral B.

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