UPJOKE
chemistryscientistpharmacistbiochemistapothecarypharmacologistphysicistbiochemistryalchemyphotochemistrydruggisthoffmannfischerpill pushermolecule

Chemist Jokes

Two chemists went to dinner together

After they ordered, one of them told the waiter: "A cup of H2O, please."

Another chemist told the waiter: "H2O, too."

He gulped down his drink and then he died.
upvote downvote report

How can you tell a chemist from a plumber without seeing them?

Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
upvote downvote report

A chemist froze himself at -273.15°C.

Everyone thought that he was crazy, but he was 0K.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A physicist, a chemist, and an economist are stranded on a desert island

The only thing on the island besides the three academics is a single can of beans. They are discussing how to get it open.

The physicist suggests that they build a fire and heat up the can until the pressure causes the can to explode.

The chemist says “No, no, the beans will fly eve...

Two chemists walk into a bar.

Two chemists walk into a bar.

The first one says, "I'll have some H2O."

The second says, "I'll have some water too. But why'd you order it like that? We aren't at work."

The first chemist excuses himself and weeps in the bathroom.
His assassination plot had failed.
upvote downvote report

A chemist walks into the store he owns...

and he sees a man, leaning up against a wall near the counter.


"What's wrong with him?" he asks his assistant.


"He needed a bottle of cough syrup," explains the assistant, "but I couldn't find any, so I sold him a bottle of laxatives instead."


"WHAT?" bellows ...
upvote downvote report

My annual cake day joke repost - how can you tell the difference between a plumber and a chemist?

Ask them to pronounce unionized
upvote downvote report

Why couldn't the chemist laugh at the queens fart?

Because noble gases are nonreactive.
upvote downvote report

A world renowned chemist dies.

A world renowned chemist dies. His will states that he wishes for all of his favorite elements from the periodic table be included with his body. They go to his wife and ask "Are we really going to put a bunch of elements in his casket?
To which she replies
"No, just Barium"
upvote downvote report

What does a chemist say when his cat jumps into a pile of sand?

"Oh, you silicate"
upvote downvote report

What do you do with a dead chemist?

Barium
upvote downvote report

What do alcoholics and chemists have in common?

They both view alcohol as a solution.
upvote downvote report

A biologist, a physicist, and a chemist go to the beach.

A biologist, a physicist, and a chemist go to the beach for the first time.


The biologist is amazed at the birds, the seaweed, the fish. He goes into the water for a closer look. Pretty soon the water is over his head. He drowns.


The physicist is mesmerized by the waves. T...
upvote downvote report

How do you confuse a chemist?

Hand him a bottle of Methyne.
upvote downvote report

What do you do with a sick chemist?

Well, if you can't curium or helium, you might as well barium.
upvote downvote report

(An old, lame joke) A physicist, a chemist and a biologist visit a beach.

They were bored sitting empty, so they decided to perform some experiments.

The physicist says, "I'm gonna measure the depth of the sea." He proceeds to dive into the sea, but goes too deep. He gets crushed by the underwater pressure, drowns and dies.

The biologist says, "I'm gonna dis...
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a chemist say when pretending to be a therapist?

You matter

Told a chemist a joke

No reaction
upvote downvote report

Chemist joke

Two typical chemists walk into a bar. The first chemist asks the waiter: "I would like some H₂O, Please!" The second chemist says: "I'd like some H₂O too!" The second man dies.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Chemist, Biologist, and Physicist were captured by Nazis

The Nazis had taken all three scientists to the woods and lined them up on their knees with their hands on their head. They were about to be executed.

The Nazis aim their guns, and the biologist screams "bear". The Nazis turn around expecting a bear, but none was there. The biologist had esc...

Did you hear about the racist chemist?

He joined the Potassium Potassium Potassium
upvote downvote report

A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician walk into an office to discover the trash can is on fire.



The physicist announces "We must put the garbage can in the fridge so that the temperature will be below the ignition temperature and therefore put itself out!"

The chemist replies "No, we must cover the garbage can so that the fire consumes all of the oxygen and, in the absence of re...
upvote downvote report

Two chemists were having lunch.

One says to the other, "I thought you were limiting your sodium intake."
The other one says, "I wanted to, but Na."
upvote downvote report

How do you distinguish between a news reporter and a chemist....

Ask them to pronounce "lead".
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A chemist runs a top secret experiment on the 83rd chemical on the periodic table.

Suddenly, a nosy colleague sneaks up to the chemist and asks, "Whatcha working on? Can I have some of that? What are you doing? Will you tell me? Pleeease!"

The chemist replies, "It's none of your bismuth!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A chemist has invented a laughing gas that's also a laxative...

It was mostly for shits and giggles

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man: Doc, I’m pathologically afraid of Chemists.

Therapist: i may have a solution.

Man: Holy Shit! Not you too!

A mathematician, physicist and chemist go on vacation together.

They take separate rooms at the hotel.

The mathematician can't sleep so he goes to his balcony and looks into the chemist's room.

A fire breaks out in the chemist's room and the mathematician panics.

He then sees the chemist wake up calmly and create a solution from the ingred...
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A biologist, physicist, and a chemist all go to the beach for the first time.

The physicist, upon seeing the majestic waves, exclaims,
"Behold! I wonder how much force the waves of the ocean can produce?"

And so he dives into the water but is never seen again.


The biologist, upon seeing fish in the water, cries out,
"I wonder how many life forms live i...

What do you call a Rabbi who is also a chemist?

an Acidic Jew.

\*Slaps Knee\*
upvote downvote report

A Scotsman went into a chemist's shop...

A Scotsman went into a chemist's shop, and asked to buy some cyanide.

"That'll be a pound - er, what do you want it for?" the chemist asked suspiciously.

"Fifty pence," replied the Scotsman.
upvote downvote report

A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting.

The biologist shoots at a deer and misses five feet to the left.

The chemist takes a shot and misses five feet to the right.

The statistician yells “We got ’em!”
upvote downvote report

A chemist comes back from his lunch break.

He finds his assistant busy behind the counter, and a man twitching while leaning against the wall. "What's going on?" he asks. The assistant tells him that the man came in for some cough syrup. "Well, did you give it to him?" asks the chemist. "No, we didn't have any," replies the assistant.
...
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young girl started work in the village chemist shop.

She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public. The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own.

She had to confide in him her worries about selling the condoms.

"Look," he said. "My regular customers don't a...

I asked my chemist friend if it took him 4 years to get his degree...

He said "Sodium Bromate."
upvote downvote report

John thought himself a chemist, but his eyes will see no more

for what he thought was H2O was H2SO4
upvote downvote report

A Redditor became a chemist and decided to seek his fortune making breath mints.

He made one set of mints that were saturated in caffeine. It made him a significant amount of money but people complained about being a little too agitated by them.

He followed up with a heavily alcoholic variety, which was very well received and made him millions, but which had the unfortuna...
upvote downvote report

I was in the chemist...

and I said to the assistant, "What gets rid of coronavirus?"

She said, "Ammonia cleaner."

I said, "Oh sorry, I thought you worked here!"
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man walks into a chemist and starts examining packs of viagra...

Nurse: Do you need any help there, sir?

Old Man: Yes, every Saturday my wife wants to have sex, but unfortunately, I can never get an erection. Which brand of viagra would you recommend?

Nurse: Well sir, everyone is different, but if you come with me to the counter, I can get you a pac...

An organic chemist, an analytical chemist, and a physical chemist....

An organic chemist, an analytical chemist, and a physical chemist are asked if a certain horse will win the race. The organic chemist asks what the horse has been eating and drugs given to it. The analytical chemist asks for the makeup of the track and mud. The physical chemist starts with "If we as...
upvote downvote report

A chemist goes to England for the first time

He walks into a crowded restaurant in the suburbs. He realizes he starts to get really hot, and as he wipes the sweat of his forehead he asks his waiter:

“Why is it so humid in here?”

The waiter responds “Lots of people have been moving from London recently, and everywhere is getting h...
upvote downvote report

How can you tell the difference between a biologist and a chemist in the bathroom?

A biologist washes his hands after peeing, a chemist washes his hands before.
upvote downvote report

How a Chemist reads the alphabets

A B C D E F G water P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
upvote downvote report

Chemists in a pub

After a long day, two chemists, Bill and Bob, go to a pub to unwind. Bob says to the barkeeper, "I'll just have a glass of H^2 0." Bill chimes in, "I'll have a glass of water too". They take a seat as he asks Bob, "Why did you refer to water with its chemical composition?" Bob did not answer, fumin...
upvote downvote report

An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a chemist walk into a bar.

The engineer orders a half pint,

The physicist orders 1/2 a pint,

The mathematician orders 0.5 pints,

and the Chemist orders 5.0 \* 10\^-1 pints.
upvote downvote report

Two chemists walk into a bar

The first chemist tells the bartender "I'll have some H2O, please." The second chemist agrees: "I'll have some H2O also, please."

The second chemist died of aluminum, sulfur, and oxygen poisoning.
upvote downvote report

Chemist 1 and Chemist 2 walk into a bar

A waiter comes round and asks them what they would like

Chemist 1: I’ll have some H20 please

Chemist 2: I’ll have some h20 too

Chemist one smiles, knowing his assasination was a success
upvote downvote report

(OC) An American chemist, a German chemist, and a French chemist are hanging out on a beach.

“Americium is the best element” brags the American chemist, “it’s used in smoke detectors and saves lives.”

“No way, germanium is way more awesome.” counters the German chemist, “without it, most electronic devices wouldn’t ever work.”

“Watch this, amateurs!” Says the French chemist, h...
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When and where do chemists have sex?

Periodically, on the table.

What kind of dog does a chemist have?

A lab.
upvote downvote report

A chemist, physicist, and statistician go hunting.

They are behind a bush and all three see a 12 point buck off into the distance.



The chemist stands up and shoots at the deer but misses 50 yards to the left.



The physicist stands up and shoots at the deer and misses 50 yards to the right.



The statistician...
upvote downvote report

A chemist walks into a bar...

He says to the bartender, "Tonight all drinks are on me!"

The bartender says to him, "you must've had a good day today, what happened?"

"I finally found a way to make a stable molecule from a barium atom, two sodium atoms, and a sulfur atom!" the chemist proudly replies.

"Wow," ...
upvote downvote report

Stats joke..

Three professors (a physicist, a chemist, and a statistician) are called in to see their dean. Just as they arrive the dean is called out of his office, leaving the three professors there. The professors see with alarm that there is a fire in the wastebasket.

The physicist says, "I know what ...
upvote downvote report

A chemist walks into his pharmacy

A chemist walks into his pharmacy and sees a man standing in the corner with his hand on his stomach. He asks his assistant what happened. "the man came in with a cough but since we were out of cough syrup I gave him a laxative" his assistant says. "you can't treat a cough with a laxative" the chemi...
upvote downvote report

A chemist walks into reddit

He does some research on certain posts and discovers that they are made up of atoms.

After some thought, he concludes that the posts at the top of r/all contain mostly hydrogen atoms, because hydrogen is the lightest element, so these posts naturally rise to the top. He decides to name these ...
upvote downvote report

The dying chemist tells his assistant..

To check the following numbers in the periodic table. Confused, but still wishing to follow his directions, he listens carefully and the chemist lists down the numbers, 10, 23, 47, 8, 7, 47, 53, 23, 63, 92, 15. After listung them down, the assistant tells the chemist he did it, and with a smile, the...
upvote downvote report

If you ever meet a chemist, make sure to tell him all your life's problems.

He'll have a solution for sure.
upvote downvote report

A zookeeper is giving a chemist a tour of the zoo.

The zookeeper gestures at a fancy new building proudly and says to the scientist "This is our replacement 'Pachyderm Palace'. It's newly built, and is not fully accessible, so it's only in use on Tuesdays."

The chemist says "Ah, so it's a periodic stable for the elephants."
upvote downvote report

Two chemists walk into a bar.

The first chemist, who had a major disagreement with the second and knows the second chemist only drink water, says to the bartender, "I'll take some H2O."

The second chemist automatically responds, "I'll take some H2O too."

The bartender shrugs then turns around and promptly gives the...
upvote downvote report

A chemist walks into a pharmacy...

With a pained expression the chemist asks the pharmacist for some acetylsalicylic acid.

The pharmacist looks confused as he asks, "You mean aspirin?"

The chemist, still in pain replies with exasperation, "Yes! I can never remember that word." (Credit to Mr. Wilgus, my high school chemi...
upvote downvote report

Why was spongebob fired from his job as a chemist?

His Absorbance Had No Correlation To His Concentration.
upvote downvote report

What do chemists like to watch on YouTube?

Reaction videos.
upvote downvote report

What did the chemist say in response to a clever joke about helium?

He He :))
upvote downvote report

What did the chemist say to his gf when they broke up?

If you were an atom you would have 67 protons
upvote downvote report

A chemist wants to open up a coffee shop

When the FDA comes to check his facility, they ask about his coffee recipe. He says, "I'm not like these other coffee shops. My coffee is made using pure science!

One part carbon monoxide and 2 parts iron."
upvote downvote report

When chemists die,

we Barium.
upvote downvote report

An Australian enters a chemist.

He walks up and tells the chick behind the counter,

"Yeah I'm looking for some deodorant."

She says "OK, ball or aerosol?"

He looks at her a little confused...

"Nah armpits"
upvote downvote report

I would make a chemistry joke, but seems like all the chemists here...

...Argon.
upvote downvote report

I asked a chemist

"Where's the deoderant?

"Ball or aerosol," he asked.

"No," I said, "it's for my armpits."
upvote downvote report

A chemist went to see a doctor

"Doctor, I don't feel thirst and keep finding myself always dehydrated". "Drink 8 glasses of fluid a day as a guideline" adviced the doctor.

"Can I count in fruit juice?" asked the man. "Since they do contain a bit of sugar, don't forget to supplement the fluid intake with H20 too" replied th...
upvote downvote report

A man goes to the chemist's

M: I would like 3 boxes of Xanax, please.

C: Sorry sir, you need a medical prescription for that.

M: I've got a wedding certificate.

C: That will do.
upvote downvote report

So I was hearing a story about how my local chemist met her husband. Apparently he came in asking for some extra, extra, extra, extra large condoms.

Only later did she discover he had a stutter.
upvote downvote report

A man walks into the chemist....

He says to the pharmacist, "I have a really bad case of piles, can you make me something up?"
The pharmacist says, "certainly sir, in fact we had Mick Jagger in this morning with exactly the same complaint"
"Oh really?" Says the man.
The pharmacist says, "no,I just made it up".
upvote downvote report

Chemist 1 says he will have an H2O. Chemist 2 says he will have an H2O too.

Chemist 3 says why can’t you guys just say water. This is why I never take you guys out anymore.
upvote downvote report

A man brought his chemist friend to the bar for a drink with the other friends. When asked what he wanted, the chemist decided that since she's the designated driver, she'll order water. "I'll have some H20, please!" the chemist said, with the man replying "I'll have some H20 too!"

The man died of ingesting hydrogen peroxide.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Chemists Walk into a Bar

“I’ll have an H2O,” one scientist says.

"I’ll have an H2O, too,” the other says.

The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position as well as pragmatic context.

Why are chemists good at solving problems?

They have all the solutions.
upvote downvote report

How can you spot a Chemist in the bathroom?

They wash their hands
before they use the toilet.
upvote downvote report

What did Cinderella say when the chemist lost her photographs

Someday my prints will come
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the chemist who was arrested?

He threw sodium chloride at his wife, that's a salt.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once had a dyslexic chemist call me out on my bullshit.

He called me a hypochlorite.

A biologist, a chemist, and a mathematician are looking at a glass of water, half filled.

The biologist says the cell count is too low.

The chemist says this solution needs to be buffered.

The mathematician says the coffee is very weak.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the horny chemist say to her colleague?

Compound me.

Real chemist never dies

...just stops reacting.
upvote downvote report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.

Do Not Sell My Personal Information