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Architect Jokes

A government agent is responsible for finding an architect to build a tower

So he brings 3 architects, a Chinese, an American and an Iranian. The Chinese architect says I charge 3 Millions, 1.5M for material, 1M for workers and 0.5M as my salary.

He goes to the next one. The American architect says I charge 6 Millions, 3M for material, 2M for workers and 1M as my sal...

Why did the architect get fired for his library design?

Because It only had one Story.

An architect wasn't sure what to build the walls of a house out of.

He was stucco

A man asks an architect a very specific question.

"My best friend needs to know what the name is for a rigid structure projecting from a vertical support," he tells him. "And if he can't find out by tomorrow his wife will file for a divorce."

The architect says, "Cantilever."

The man says, "Of course he can, but it'll probably make hi...

Why did the Egyptian architect go to jail?

He was caught planning a pyramid scheme.

I always seek approval from a qualified architect before removing my condom.

After all, it is load bearing.

What did the architect of Villa Savoye say when he died and became a ghost?

Le CorBOO

Ba dum tiss.

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Xi Jinping was on his balcony during the early morning, admiring all that Bejing has become

He inhaled a sweet breath of fresh Bejing air and looked East to see the sun smiling down.

"Hello, Sun", said Xi Jinping.

The sun replied "Hello Glorious Leader, the architect of a grand Communist Utopia. Best wishes leading your already prosperous nation."

Xi Jinping, despite h...

Did you hear about the architect who had an unhealthy obsession with designing overly intricate shopping malls?

He had a complex complex complex.

I told the architect that the pool should be 6 feet deep

But he was working in metric and just couldn't fathom it

Three engineers were discussing who could have been the architect of the human body.

The first said, "It definitely was a Mechanical Engineer, look at all the joints."

The second said, "Nah dude, it was an Electrical Engineer, look at all the electrical connections from the brain."

The third said, "Nope, only a Civil Engineer will run piping carrying sanitation waste r...

Completed in 1856, Big Ben was designed by architects Charles Barry and Augustus Welby Pugin and took 13 years to build.

Which is crazy long considering they were working around the clock.

A Physicist, an engineer and an architect are sitting in a taxi.

The engineer says: What makes it drive?
The physicist says: Why does it drive ?
And the architect says: Your fare will be 17.45$.

An architect

An architect storms into the CEOs office holding a towel to his bloody nose. "Good God, man, what happened to you!?" the CEO exclaimed.

"Sir, the lead architect on the Legend project just punched me in the face for questioning his designs, which frankly are impossible. Take a look." The ar...

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How do architects, engineers and male pornstars gain fame?

Through their erections

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistre...

Bad news: The lovely architect down my street has passed away.

Good news: His coffin looks super cool.

How often did the architect have to put long narrow paths in his blueprints?

Hallways

An architect, a lawyer, and a hunter were sitting at a bar.

The three men were having a debate about whose job was the oldest.

"Obviously it's my job," bragged the hunter. "Cavemen got their food by hunting, which makes my job older than civilization."

"Yes," the architect replied, "but if you read the Bible, it says God created the universe o...

Ancient Egyptian architect: "Do you know how to build a pyramid?"

Ancient Egyptian builder: "Well, err yeah, up to a point."

What's the difference between an Architect and an Engineer?

If architects built all the buildings, they would fall down on their own. If engineers built all the buildings, they'd be so ugly, we'd tear them all down.

Conversation that just happened between a friend (lawyer) and I (Architect).

Friend: Everybody hates lawyers, until they need one.
Me: Everybody loves architects, until they need one.

I lost my job as an architect after my first day

Apparently a revolving mosque makes it difficult to pray towards Mecca.

Credit: comedian Milton Jones, king of the one-liners.

I recently got fired as an architect

An earthquake came and the building collapsed because it wasn’t stabilized and I said it wasn’t my fault

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A lawyer, an architect and a mathematician are all in the dog park with their dogs.

The mathematician walks up to the other two and says check out what my dog can do and throws a handful of jellybeans in the sand and snaps his fingers. His dog pushes them into a perfect circle and he says, look a perfect circle, that’s geometry and that’s math.

The architect says oh yeah wat...

I work with an amateur architect.

It puts a roof over my head, sort of.

An architect was exploring Asia

When he found himself lost, he asked a stranger where he was. The stranger replied "Soviet Russia". The architect thanks her and journey to the next archeological site.

He is in a cave, looking for early human marks, when all of a sudden, he sees a round thing with a timer. He realized its a ...

An Indian architect gets called into his boss's office because a comedy club he recently designed is labeled only in Hindi.

Flustered, he says, "Sorry for the construction of The Joke, English is not my first language."

The billionaire and the architect

Los Angeles has always been a place for these massive feats of human accomplishment. Case in point, in 1989, a local billionaire spent millions of his own money to create a unique building of fantastic architecture, one that would draw people in for thousands of miles. He hired a small time architec...

So, there are two men.

They know each other for years now. Frank, a brain surgeon from new york and Ahmad a former refugee from syria.

Both men want to build an house and decide to build their houses in the very same street, next to each other. They even ask the architect to just copy the first house!

And wh...

An engineer, an architect and a mathematician are trapped in a cave with nothing but a can of food each and they want to get the cans open so that they can eat.

The engineer finds a rock and taps it against the weak spot of the can. The architect throws the can against the wall in a way that doesn’t collapse the cave. The mathematician then announces loudly to the other two, “Let my can be open, how do we close it?”

An Architect, a Doctor and a Lawyer are boasting about how smart their dogs are.

They finally agree that each will demonstrate their dog's prowess.

The architect calls his dog, puts some clay on the table and says, "Build
me a model of the Eiffel Towel." The dog does so and the architect throws
him a biscuit.

The doctor calls his dog and as he does he sees t...

A doctor, a lawyer, and an architect were arguing about who had the smartest dog.

A doctor, a lawyer, and an architect were arguing about who had the smartest dog. They decided to settle the issue by getting all the dogs together and seeing whose could perform the most impressive feat.
"Okay, Rover," ordered the architect, and Rover trotted to a table and in four minutes cons...

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A mathematician, an architect and a lawyer are at a dog show, arguing over whose dog is the smartest.

So the mathematician throws three dollars on the ground and whistles for his dog. The dog barks 3 times, each time sliding a dollar over with his paw.

The architect whistles his dog over. The dog arranges the dollars in a perfect triangle.

The lawyer whistles his dog over. The dog fu...

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Women are discussing their sex life.

- My man is an architect. Our love life has form, vision and function, good plan as well.
- My man is an artist. Our love life has passion, imagination and improvisation.
- And my man is a programmer. He sits in bed and tells me how good it’s going to be when it’s ready.

Software architects should never design high security fences.

They’re likely to make them highly scalable.

A tradie driving along when he sees a sign outside a house saying: “Talking dog for sale – $20.”

He can’t believe his eyes. He pulls up, gets out and knocks on the door.

“Yeah, he’s just round the back,” the owner says, and sure enough there’s the dog with his elbow on the fence chatting away to the next-door neighbour.
“I can’t believe it!” says the tradie. “You can really talk?”
...

Why does Pennywise make such a horrible SQL database architect?

He tries to cast all the data to float.

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My friend was the head architect for a Cocaine heist. He code named it

The Big Blow Job

An architect knows

How to make a long story short.

What's the difference between a doctor and an architect?

An architect's mistakes are there for the world to see, but a doctor buries their mistakes.

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A doctor, an architect, and an attorney were dining together at the country club.

The conversation turned to the subject of their respective dogs, which were apparently quite extraordinary, and a wager was placed on who had the most intelligent dog.

The doctor offered to show his dog first, and called to the parking lot, "Hippocrates, come!" Hippocrates ran in, and was to...

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I became an architect just west of Japan.

It was a bad Korea choice.

An artist, architect, and engineer are at a bar...

...talking about having a wife vs. a mistress.
The artist declares that he prefers a mistress because he finds them more spontaneous and exciting.
The architect says, "no, I much prefer a wife because I enjoy building that foundation with one woman and love the security that comes with marriag...

I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West...

...could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone...

A computer architect walks up to an elevator and sees a sign that says "Out of Order"..

.. and says "Even better!" and gets into it.

A dog walks into the unemployment office..

"I need a job." He said, in perfect English.

Surprised, the clerk says "I'm sure the circus would be very interested in you. Shall I contact them?"

"If you like." Replied the dog. "But why would the circus need an architect?"

Definitions in construction

*Tender submission* - A game of poker in which the losing hand wins
*Tender sum* - A wild guess carried out to two decimal places
*Successful Tenderer* - A contractor wondering what they left out.
*Architect* - A person who knows very little about a great deal and keeps knowing less and le...

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A woman visited an Amazonian tribe on a research trip...

She spent several days taking notes on the lifestyle and habits of the tribe and interviewing their ruler, King Paolo, via an interpreter. As the tribe's land was near several rich gold mines, the king and his people were extremely wealthy.

During the woman's time with him, the king fell hop...

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His First Time

“Now listen very carefully,” said the millionaire to the architect designing his new house. “Whatever you do, I don’t want that tree disturbed over there. It brings back fond memories.”

“Why’s that?” asked the architect.

“That’s where I had sex for the first time. And don’t touch that ...

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A seer was recruited to help a party of heroes break into a ruined dungeon

The other heroes knew that his knowledge of the arcane would help them to understand and predict the nefarious traps that were sure to beset them within the darkened tunnels.



The dungeon's architect had laid it out as a chess board, and the party moved one by one along the squares. Th...

Architects call a layer of bricks a wythe. After the Great Fire of London, where thousands of wooden buildings were destroyed, King Henry VIII passed a law that the walls of all new buildings must be made of at least six layers of brick.

This is known as the six wythes of Henry the Eighth.

Love

The famous Greek shipowner, Ori Oristotle, was having a house built on a large piece of land in Greece.

He said to the architect, "Don't disturb that tree over there, because directly under that tree is where I had my first love."

"How sentimental, Mr. Oristotle," said the architect ...

Hundreds of years after their deaths, Galileo, Leonardo Da Vinci, and Marco Polo are walking in heaven and decide to have a conversation with Jesus...

Galileo says, “Jesus, I’ve been thinking about my past life on Earth, and I wanted to know what I am remembered for all these years later.”

Jesus pauses and replies, “Galileo, you are remembered as the Father of Modern Physics. By being one of the first to apply mathematics to motion, you le...

"Why is it important for engineers and architects to get along?"

I was asked this by an engineer I was driving to a conference center from the airport.

"I don't know, why?"

"Well, you see, if all the buildings in the World were built only by architects, they would all collapse under their own weight."

This elicited some chuckles from his coll...

A man dies and goes to the Pearly Gates.

When he gets there, he is perplexed and confused to see everyone aggressively whipping eggs, and mixing flour and batter.


He looks around and finds an entire section specially reserved for decoration, with elaborate arrangements of strawberries, frosting and tiering that would have done...

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Two men are walking through the desert and stumble across a big rock

- Hey, what a weird rock!

- Yes, it looks like a pyramid!

They both dig and discover a huge pyramid.

- Shit! It's a giant pyramid!

- What do we do with this?

- We should notify the American archaeological team. These people are professional and I'm sure they'l...

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One of the Most Powerful Jokes in My Engineer Joke Arsenal

Note: I shared this joke in an /r/tifu comment, and someone suggested I post it here. I heard this joke from my mom, who is an architect, with an undergraduate degree in engineering.

Two engineers meet each other on their way into work. One of them has a new bike, and the other one asks where...

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Four dads go out to dinner...

After they order, one dad gets up and announces that he's going to the restroom and will be right back. Once he leaves, things are kind of awkward, so one dad breaks the tension.

"I just have to say, my son is the greatest thing I could've asked for. He started out as a table cleaner at a cha...

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Lawyers and their dogs.

In 1989 the University of Nottingham funded a study to explore the relationship that develops between people and their dogs.

They got three people with dogs: an architect, a mathematician, and a lawyer. The took the dogs and put them in a large room, placing three biscuits in front of each d...

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Two guys are drinking at a bar on the roof of a tall building on a windy day.

The first guy turns to the second guy and says to him, "You know, I'm an architect. I designed this building in such a way that if it's windy outside like this and if you jump off the roof, the wind will blow you right back in."

The second guy tells him he's full of shit, and tells him to pro...

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A father takes his son on a tour of his home town....

He takes his son to the town square and he says "see these beautiful buildings and shops? Me and my buddies built them with our own bare hands. And no one calls me a carpenter or an architect...."

Then he takes him to the local creek.

"See this creek and the irrigation system in it? Me...

A new study found that an overwhelming majority of architects are seeing psychiatrists

Most being diagnosed with an edifice complex.

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Dmitri the Great

Dmitri is standing on the hill with his nephew Costa. Below them is a magnificent harbour filled with beautiful ships and yachts. Dmitri says "I used to be a shipbuilder. A lot of these yachts came from my yard. Famous people from all over the world used to come to me so I could build them yacht...

Three men on an island survive a crash

A plane crash lands on a deserted island, only three men survive. A white guy, a black guy, and an Asian guy. The three decide to work together so they utilize their professions to survive.

The white guy was an architect so it was his job to design the shelter, the black guy worked in constru...

Daedalus and the Labyrinth

Daedalus, the famous Greek architect and inventor, was relaxing in his home in the Blessed Isles of the Underworld when Hades, the Lord of Death himself, came to him with a favor.

"Listen, Daedalus," Hades began. "You know how the population of the dead here increase every year? The Underworl...

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Four women are at a restaurant

Four women are at a restaurant, one gets up to use the restroom.

While she's gone, the other three decide to talk about their sons.

The first one says, "My son is a doctor. He graduated top of his class and bought his best friend his own private plane."

The second one says,...

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An Irishman, stricken with severe insomnia, decides he needs go for a late night walk..

Figures it’d be best if he got some fresh air and such, as he highly doubts that he'll be falling asleep anytime soon. So, he slips into his boots, throws on a jacket, and heads out the door. Not 5 minutes later, he comes across a freshly painted white picket-fence that leads to an unfamiliar bar on...

When The Pope talks about politicians working together

Representatives of different professions in a Christian country were debating which profession is the oldest. The medical doctor said:
‘What was the first thing that God did with humans? He performed an operation – he made Eve with Adam’s rib. The medical profession is the oldest.’
‘No, that ...

Structural Engineering

Because architects don’t know what physics is.

An oligarch, a theocrat, and two architects of the prison industrial complex walk into a bar...

Sorry, I misplaced my notes. Those are just the choices for the US Presidential election.

So you're a fan of Brutalist architecture?

Give me 3 concrete examples

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