A government agent is responsible for finding an architect to build a tower

So he brings 3 architects, a Chinese, an American and an Iranian. The Chinese architect says I charge 3 Millions, 1.5M for material, 1M for workers and 0.5M as my salary.

He goes to the next one. The American architect says I charge 6 Millions, 3M for material, 2M for workers and 1M as my sal...

An architect wasn't sure what to build the walls of a house out of.

He was stucco

I always seek approval from a qualified architect before removing my condom.

After all, it is load bearing.

A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and an architect are sitting around, talking

They get onto the topic of how amazing the human body is. The mechanical engineer says “God must’ve been a mechanical engineer, I mean, look at the human skeletal system, so well put together, amazing how he did that” the electrical engineer says “no, God was an electrical engineer. Not even the bes...

I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West...

...could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone...

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistre...

An architect

An architect storms into the CEOs office holding a towel to his bloody nose. "Good God, man, what happened to you!?" the CEO exclaimed.

"Sir, the lead architect on the Legend project just punched me in the face for questioning his designs, which frankly are impossible. Take a look." The ar...

An Architect, a Doctor and a Lawyer are boasting about how smart their dogs are.

They finally agree that each will demonstrate their dog's prowess.

The architect calls his dog, puts some clay on the table and says, "Build
me a model of the Eiffel Towel." The dog does so and the architect throws
him a biscuit.

The doctor calls his dog and as he does he sees t...

Three engineers were discussing who could have been the architect of the human body.

The first said, "It definitely was a Mechanical Engineer, look at all the joints."

The second said, "Nah dude, it was an Electrical Engineer, look at all the electrical connections from the brain."

The third said, "Nope, only a Civil Engineer will run piping carrying sanitation waste r...

What's the difference between an Architect and an Engineer?

If architects built all the buildings, they would fall down on their own. If engineers built all the buildings, they'd be so ugly, we'd tear them all down.

I work with an amateur architect.

It puts a roof over my head, sort of.

A new study found that an overwhelming majority of architects are seeing psychiatrists

Most being diagnosed with an edifice complex.

The billionaire and the architect

Los Angeles has always been a place for these massive feats of human accomplishment. Case in point, in 1989, a local billionaire spent millions of his own money to create a unique building of fantastic architecture, one that would draw people in for thousands of miles. He hired a small time architec...

A medic, an architect and a programmer are talking about who's job is the oldest.

A medic, an architect and a programmer are talking about who's job is the oldest.

The medic says: "My job is the oldest because when God made Eve from Adams rib, that was a medical procedure."

The architect says: "Hold up! Before Adam and Eve, God created the universe. That's an arch...

Why does Pennywise make such a horrible SQL database architect?

He tries to cast all the data to float.

I lost my job as an architect after my first day

Apparently a revolving mosque makes it difficult to pray towards Mecca.

Credit: comedian Milton Jones, king of the one-liners.

How often did the architect have to put long narrow paths in his blueprints?

Hallways

An architect knows

How to make a long story short.

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My friend was the head architect for a Cocaine heist. He code named it

The Big Blow Job

An architect was exploring Asia

When he found himself lost, he asked a stranger where he was. The stranger replied "Soviet Russia". The architect thanks her and journey to the next archeological site.

He is in a cave, looking for early human marks, when all of a sudden, he sees a round thing with a timer. He realized its a ...

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A woman visited an Amazonian tribe on a research trip...

She spent several days taking notes on the lifestyle and habits of the tribe and interviewing their ruler, King Paolo, via an interpreter. As the tribe's land was near several rich gold mines, the king and his people were extremely wealthy.

During the woman's time with him, the king fell hop...

How do Church architects make sure they're building the church properly?

They check the Cross section.

A surgeon, an architect and a lawyer were discussing whose was the oldest profession.

Surgeon: Well, it’s obvious. It was surgery when a ribectomy was performed on Adam to create Eve.

Architect: Come now. First the heaven and earth had to be created, and that couldn’t happen until plans were drawn up.

Lawyer: But what was there before the heaven and earth and the light?...

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A doctor, an architect, and an attorney were dining together at the country club.

The conversation turned to the subject of their respective dogs, which were apparently quite extraordinary, and a wager was placed on who had the most intelligent dog.

The doctor offered to show his dog first, and called to the parking lot, "Hippocrates, come!" Hippocrates ran in, and was to...

What's the difference between a doctor and an architect?

An architect's mistakes are there for the world to see, but a doctor buries their mistakes.

A doctor, a lawyer, and an architect were arguing about who had the smartest dog.

A doctor, a lawyer, and an architect were arguing about who had the smartest dog. They decided to settle the issue by getting all the dogs together and seeing whose could perform the most impressive feat.
"Okay, Rover," ordered the architect, and Rover trotted to a table and in four minutes cons...

A cowboy and architect walk into a bar

The architect challenges anyone who can design the best building in 5 minutes

The cowboy accepts the challenge

The architect and cowboy are handed a pen and paper

The bartender counts them down and says "3..2..1.. draw!"

And the cowboy shoots the architect

Conversation that just happened between a friend (lawyer) and I (Architect).

Friend: Everybody hates lawyers, until they need one.
Me: Everybody loves architects, until they need one.

An architect, a lawyer, and a hunter were sitting at a bar.

The three men were having a debate about whose job was the oldest.

"Obviously it's my job," bragged the hunter. "Cavemen got their food by hunting, which makes my job older than civilization."

"Yes," the architect replied, "but if you read the Bible, it says God created the universe o...

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I became an architect just west of Japan.

It was a bad Korea choice.

What's the best way to get a Roman architect started on building your house?

Column

A seer was recruited to help a party of heroes break into a ruined dungeon

The other heroes knew that his knowledge of the arcane would help them to understand and predict the nefarious traps that were sure to beset them within the darkened tunnels.



The dungeon's architect had laid it out as a chess board, and the party moved one by one along the squares. Th...

An artist, architect, and engineer are at a bar...

...talking about having a wife vs. a mistress.
The artist declares that he prefers a mistress because he finds them more spontaneous and exciting.
The architect says, "no, I much prefer a wife because I enjoy building that foundation with one woman and love the security that comes with marriag...

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An American, a Japanese and a Bosnian architect are looking at a mountain.

American: If we Americans started drilling on the one end of the mountain and on the other end of the mountain, we would build a tunnel in about two months.
Japanese: That's nothing, if we Japanese started drilling on the one end of the mountain and on the other end of the mountain, we would bu...

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A mathematician, an architect and a lawyer are at a dog show, arguing over whose dog is the smartest.

So the mathematician throws three dollars on the ground and whistles for his dog. The dog barks 3 times, each time sliding a dollar over with his paw.

The architect whistles his dog over. The dog arranges the dollars in a perfect triangle.

The lawyer whistles his dog over. The dog fu...

Love

The famous Greek shipowner, Ori Oristotle, was having a house built on a large piece of land in Greece.

He said to the architect, "Don't disturb that tree over there, because directly under that tree is where I had my first love."

"How sentimental, Mr. Oristotle," said the architect ...

So, there are two men.

They know each other for years now. Frank, a brain surgeon from new york and Ahmad a former refugee from syria.

Both men want to build an house and decide to build their houses in the very same street, next to each other. They even ask the architect to just copy the first house!

And wh...

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Lawyers and their dogs.

In 1989 the University of Nottingham funded a study to explore the relationship that develops between people and their dogs.

They got three people with dogs: an architect, a mathematician, and a lawyer. The took the dogs and put them in a large room, placing three biscuits in front of each d...

Three men on an island survive a crash

A plane crash lands on a deserted island, only three men survive. A white guy, a black guy, and an Asian guy. The three decide to work together so they utilize their professions to survive.

The white guy was an architect so it was his job to design the shelter, the black guy worked in constru...

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Dmitri the Great

Dmitri is standing on the hill with his nephew Costa. Below them is a magnificent harbour filled with beautiful ships and yachts. Dmitri says "I used to be a shipbuilder. A lot of these yachts came from my yard. Famous people from all over the world used to come to me so I could build them yacht...

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Women are discussing their sex life.

- My man is an architect. Our love life has form, vision and function, good plan as well.
- My man is an artist. Our love life has passion, imagination and improvisation.
- And my man is a programmer. He sits in bed and tells me how good it’s going to be when it’s ready.

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One of the Most Powerful Jokes in My Engineer Joke Arsenal

Note: I shared this joke in an /r/tifu comment, and someone suggested I post it here. I heard this joke from my mom, who is an architect, with an undergraduate degree in engineering.

Two engineers meet each other on their way into work. One of them has a new bike, and the other one asks where...

Four dads go out to dinner...

After they order, one dad gets up and announces that he's going to the restroom and will be right back. Once he leaves, things are kind of awkward, so one dad breaks the tension.

"I just have to say, my son is the greatest thing I could've asked for. He started out as a table cleaner at a cha...

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One goat

Giuseppe lived in a small town in Italy and had done so for 80 years. He was increasingly growing concerned about the disdain he was experiencing from his neighbors and townspeople he'd known his whole life. One day a tourist visiting the town came up to Giuseppe and asked him what was the matter an...

Daedalus and the Labyrinth

Daedalus, the famous Greek architect and inventor, was relaxing in his home in the Blessed Isles of the Underworld when Hades, the Lord of Death himself, came to him with a favor.

"Listen, Daedalus," Hades began. "You know how the population of the dead here increase every year? The Underworl...

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Four women are at a restaurant

Four women are at a restaurant, one gets up to use the restroom.

While she's gone, the other three decide to talk about their sons.

The first one says, "My son is a doctor. He graduated top of his class and bought his best friend his own private plane."

The second one says,...

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Two guys are drinking at a bar on the roof of a tall building on a windy day.

The first guy turns to the second guy and says to him, "You know, I'm an architect. I designed this building in such a way that if it's windy outside like this and if you jump off the roof, the wind will blow you right back in."

The second guy tells him he's full of shit, and tells him to pro...

When The Pope talks about politicians working together

Representatives of different professions in a Christian country were debating which profession is the oldest. The medical doctor said:
‘What was the first thing that God did with humans? He performed an operation – he made Eve with Adam’s rib. The medical profession is the oldest.’
‘No, that ...

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An Irishman, stricken with severe insomnia, decides he needs go for a late night walk..

Figures it’d be best if he got some fresh air and such, as he highly doubts that he'll be falling asleep anytime soon. So, he slips into his boots, throws on a jacket, and heads out the door. Not 5 minutes later, he comes across a freshly painted white picket-fence that leads to an unfamiliar bar on...

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A father takes his son on a tour of his home town....

He takes his son to the town square and he says "see these beautiful buildings and shops? Me and my buddies built them with our own bare hands. And no one calls me a carpenter or an architect...."

Then he takes him to the local creek.

"See this creek and the irrigation system in it? Me...

Structural Engineering

Because architects don’t know what physics is.

The Oldest Profession

A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about whose profession was the oldest.
In the course of their arguments, they went all the way back to the Garden of Eden. The doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest because Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the sto...

The taxi driver

A British and a United States Architects arrived at Soekarno-Hatta International Airport in Jakarta Indonesia for a Building Convention.

They knew each other, arrived at about the same time, planned to stay at the same hotel, and they have both been to Indonesia before, so they agreed to shar...

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