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Scientist Jokes

A white scientist is studying a tribe in Africa

A white scientist is studying an African tribe.

One day, the tribe leaders wife has a white son.

The tribe leader approaches the scientist soon after.

"Well, we both know what happened here. No one else could have done it. You slept with my wife, I have to kill you." The tribe l...

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Did you hear about the scientist who attempted to clone himself for his own sexual pleasure?

He had done great strides towards his goal over the years. But after the most recent attempt, he finally topped himself.

A dumb scientist is experimenting on a fly...

He pulls one leg off and says 'Fly, walk'. The fly walks.

He pulls the second leg off and says 'Fly, walk'. Again, the fly walks.

He continues until he gets to the last leg. Pulling it off, he says 'Fly, walk'. The fly does not walk. He repeats the command, but the fly does not shift ...

What do you call a nuclear scientist with a bad lisp?

An unclear scientist.

BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered an amazing fact about icebergs...

More below.

Scientists finally located the gene that causes shyness

It was hiding behind two other genes.

A scientist took a selfie while he was drinking liquid nitrogen

He was quoted as saying "It was the coolest shot I ever took"

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Two scientists walk into a bar.

“I’ll have H2O,” says the first. “I’ll have H2O, too,” says the second. The bartender gives them water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical functions of homonyms in coda positions, as well as pragmatic context.

Scientists say we only use 15% of our brain

I'm wondering what we do with the remaining 65%?

The scientist asks, "Hey, why so blue?"

The litmus paper answers, "I just came from a date with a pretty basic solution.”

How can you tell the difference between an influencer and a computer scientist?

By checking how they pronounce the word “bios”

I’m the scientist who just discovered that goose-down pillows are NOT resistant to sulphuric acid.

Although, apparently that’s not what my wife meant when she said we need to “experiment in the bedroom”

Two scientists are working together

Both have different projects to work on.

1st scientist saw 1 unknown chemical. Curiously, he asked,"Bro, what and whose chemical is this?"

2nd scientist replied, "Bromine"

What do scientists bring to parties?

Sodium, Carbon, Helium, Oxygen, and Sulfur!

Scientists got together and decided that humanity had come a long way and no longer needed God.

So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him. The scientist walked up to God and said, “God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We’re to the point where we can clone people, manipulate atoms, build molecules, fly through space, and do many other miraculous th...

A behavioral scientist confronts her lab's receptionist:

'For the last time, I'm analyzing simulated populations. Not "playing with my imaginary friends"!'

(Shamelessly plagiarized from New Scientist)

Scientists have today discovered that dark matter actually does not exist.

The source of the unknown mass in the galaxy was never dark matter, but the result of a calculation mistake.

The scientists admit that they forgot to include your mother in the calculations, and therefor the last (approximately) 80% of the mass in the Milky Way has finally been discovered.

What do you do to a dead scientist?

Ba

Scientists have determined the optimal age at which humans are able to safely start using social media:

123 years old.

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Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts

is to make males stupid.

Scientists say that talking to dairy cows helps them to produce more milk

>!It's in one ear and out the udder!<

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I once stole a jar of orca semen from my friend, the scientist. After a few years, I felt bad, and eventually returned it. My friend was obviously confused by this and said "Thanks, but what is it?" I replied...

"Your whale cum."

Husband: "Scientists have found that men say about 10,000 words a day, while women say about 20,000..."

Wife (shouts from the kitchen): "It's because we have to repeat everything twice to you blockheads!"

Husband: "What?"

The last sentence spoken before the end of the universe was by a scientist

it was something like: "*let's try this and see how it goes!*"

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What did the Spanish scientist say when asked if he wanted lime in his cocktail?

A mi no acid.

Why Don't Scientists Trust Atoms?

Because they make up everything.

How many beers does it take to get a German scientist drunk?

_Ein_ stein.

Two scientists were walking around in Russia during winter

Scientist one: It's really cold outside, how many degrees?

Scientist two: it's -40°

Scientist one: Celsius or Fahrenheit?

Scientist two: Yes.

Scientists have established a direct correlation between increased marijuana usage among husbands and the price of eggs.

They're both getting higher because not enough are getting laid

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Scientists say

Scientists say that regular masturbation can help fight off the common cold.

That's great news because I've run out of tissues.

A scientist finds a crashed alien spaceship

An alien is still alive and the scientist helps him fix the spaceship so the alien can go back home.

As a sign of gratitude, the alien tells the scientist that he will answer him a single question, whatever it is or however it's formulated. As the alien was about to take off, the scientist f...

Scientists studying frogs

Two scientists are studying how far frogs can jump. Their first step was to teach a frog to jump on command. This completed, they yelled jump, and the frog jumped 8 meters. Considering what effect each leg had, they then amputated one leg and yelled jump again. The frog jumped 6 meters. After notin...

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:

"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give...

A scientist announced he managed to cool something down to absolute zero.

It was 0K.

I was kidnapped by mad scientist who experimented on me, replacing my limbs with animal ones.

If I ever see him again I'll tear him apart with my bear hands.

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Scientists have recently discovered a food that greatly reduces sex drive.

It's called The Wedding Cake.

It’s 1961. A Nasa scientist and a soviet scientist have a meeting..

…Nasa scientist:“Well now that we are alone we can speak german to each other.

Why do scientists knew that the frozen prehistoric man they found in the Arctic was friendly ?

Because he’s a”n iceman”

Scientists have demonstrated that nerves spread throughout the body are related to human personality.

For example, if a subjects arms are removed, that subject becomes much less likely to volunteer for science tests.

Why did the Python data scientist get arrested at customs?

She was caught trying to import pandas!

Why do mad scientists and mathematicians get along so well?

One tests the limits of their patients, the others limits, test their patience.

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My scientist wife decided to test the hyphotesis that more sex would improve our marriage. It's only been a week, and I've already concluded...

...that I'm in the control group.

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I just read a story about a German scientist who invented a prosthetic penis

Nobody thought he could pull it off

A scientist and a religious man were debating the evolution theory

(English is my second language here but I will try to do my best, it is probably funnier in my language- A rephrase is welcomed!)

A scientist and a religious man were debating the evolution theory. The religious man was trying to convince the scientist that facts are more clearer than the sci...

Why was the skinny scientist so excited?

>!He just won the no belly prize!<

Two Norwegian scientists were operating on a frog....

They taught it to jump on command. When they said "Jump!" it leaped forwards.

They removed one rear leg and said "Jump!". The frog leaped forwards.

They removed the other rear leg and said "Jump!", but nothing seemed to happen.

After much discussion they could conclude that if y...

Hello everyone! I'm a scientist and I am researching bestiality between humans and dogs.

I will be in my Lab if you need me.

Scientists have discovered the sub-atomic particle that confers density.

They've called it the Moron.

Why do computer scientists always confuse Christmas and Halloween?

Its cause DEC 25 = OCT 31

What is the difference between a scientist, an engineer and a technician?

The scientist does it the best way.

The engineer does it the way that works.

The technician wonders about their definition of "Best" and "Works"

A Scientist and his Frog

In order to learn more about the jumping ability of frogs, a scientist trained his frog to jump on command.

On day 1, he told the frog, "Jump, frog. Jump!" And, the frog jumped. The scientist wrote in his journal: "Frog successfully taught to jump."

On day 2, the scientist amputated ...

Scientist has a pain that comes back periodically.

Keeps saying "aaaaah it Hertz"

How do scientists freshen their breath?

With *experi-mints* !

A scientist cannot tell the formula for Nitrogen Oxide.

All of them say NO. Weird.

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel...

and came upon a casket containing a mummy, a rather rare occurrence in Israel, to say the least. After examining it, he called Abe, the curator of the Israel museum in Jerusalem.

"I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed....

Scientists say that 90% of £5 notes carry germs.

That's not true, even a germ can't live of £5 these days!

Two scientists walk into a bar

“I’ll have H20” says the 1st.

“I’ll have H20, too” says the 2nd.

The bartender doesn’t have a clue what they want because he flunked out of high school, and started working at a bar.

Scientists have just discovered evidence of cavemen using frogs as condoms

Ribbit for her pleasure

A scientist is doing experiments on an ant

He puts the ant on the table and says:
- Walk, ant, walk!
The ant walks to the other side of the table
The man writes in his notepad:
"The ant with 6 legs walks"

He then, proceeds to take one leg off the insect, and repeats the same process
- Walk, ant, walk!
The ant walks...

What do you call a scientist that can't get laid?

A STEMcel.

I can’t be injured by cars.

The scientists said I have an autoimmune condition.

Scientists have shown that an uncontrollable urge to start singing the Tokens hit single "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is always just a whim away.

A whim away a whim away...

Scientist: "My findings are meaningless if taken out of context."

Media: Scientist claims "Findings are meaningless."

Gustavo was a mad scientist

Gustavo, called “Gus” by his friends and nemeses, was a mad scientist with very peculiar tastes. In particular, he was fond of the flavor of human flesh.

However, he was an ethical mad scientist, so he got his meat via cloning willing subjects.

Over time the number of subjects went dow...

- Have you heard of a scientist who froze himself at -273°C?

— No, what happened to him?

— Don't worry, he is 0K

The wage gap isn't real.

Men simply focus on getting the higher paying jobs like scientist, doctor, engineer. Meanwhile, women tend to go towards the lower paying jobs, like female scientist, female doctor and female engineer.

Apparently scientists are now investigating an anomaly in the European date system

They're working on it 24/7

A scientist recently said that the “perfect earthquake” was going to strike the West Coast soon.

The evidence to support his claim was shaky at best.

I took a class recently on the history of food preservation.

In the early days, metal containers were the cheapest and easiest to make, so almost all food was stored in cans. Tin was a particularly soft and easy to mold/shape, and didn’t rust like other options, so most preserved food cans were made of tin.

Things went great for a while, with some food...

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[NSFW] In the 1980's, a group of American scientists conducted a study on why the head of a penis is thicker than the shaft.

And after 2 years and $25,000, they concluded that it was to give the man a more pleasurable sexual experience.

In the 2000's, a group of French scientists decided to revisit the study and after 3 years and $50,000, they concluded that is was to give the woman a more pleasurable sexual experi...

What did the duck say to the Mad Scientist?

It worked!

According to scientists,

Infertility is hereditary. So, if your parents didn't have kids, then neither will you.

Scientists have conducted blood tests on a frog to extract DNA and confirm its identity.

They have discovered that the frog was:-
30% Russian
30% French
20% Italian
10% Spanish
5% British
4% Dutch
And a tad Pole...!

KFC has asked scientists to edit the chicken genome.

They want something CRISPR.

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Few scientists were wondering on how well humans cope with hopeless stress

Scientists decide that sending 3 men to a deserted island for 5 years with no hope of rescue or assistance would be a good indicator.

The United States, France, and China each offer up 1 person for the study and they all get sent to their fate.

5 years later a helicopter lands on the i...

Scientists Play Hide-and-Seek

All the great scientists throughout history are brought together for a game of hide and seek. They draw straws and Einstein is "it" first. He starts counting back from 100 as all the other great minds run hither and thither looking to hide. Newton runs over to the bushes but Heisenberg is already ...

Scientists have discovered a way to milk sheep.

Just release a new iphone every year.

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I knew a scientist who successfully cloned themselves for the sole purpose of having a sexual partner.

We were friends up to that point. I told him, "You do you."

How can you tell if a computer scientist is an extrovert?

They stare at your shoes instead of staring at their own

Marie Curie is my favorite scientist of all time.

She was absolutely radiant.

A scientist is performing experiments on a frog

He starts by placing the frog at a starting line and shouts "Jump" after measuring how far the frog leapt he records in his journal "A frog with 4 legs jumps 6 feet"


He then cuts off one of the frogs legs, places it back at the starting line then once again shouts "Jump". After measuring...

Scientists have determined that the Earth has a resonant frequency

The planet resonates at a low B note. However if you were flying away in a space ship the frequency would drop due to the doppler effect, and the Earth would B flat.

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After trying for many years to turn lead into gold scientists accidentally discovered how to turn any mass into shit!

Simply let Xi Jinping touch it.

Scientists got so bored of watching the Earth spin that after 24 hours

They called it a day.

Scientists have finally figured out what happened to all the water that used be Mars

Turns out, the planet was once occupied by Nestle

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What do you call a scientist who investigates early homo sapien societies but excuses their violent behaviour toward Neanderthals and other sub-species of archaic humans?

An anthro-apologist.

A scientist tried to make gum out of eggs

It was an egg spearmint

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Did you know that scientists have named the core of Uranus?

It's called urectum

As a scientist, I received a lot of praise for figuring out a new method of getting drugs to enter cells more effectively and efficiently.

As a prisoner, I received another 2 years on my sentence.

2 scientists walk into a bar, the first one says “I’ll have H2O” the second one says “I’ll have water also” the first scientist walks off, furious that is assassination attempt had failed.

You have to be moderately smart to understand it...

A scientist was studying life extending properties through diet...

And realized he had the perfect formula for eternal life. He developed a special food formula which he fed to seagulls. Then he would feed their eggs to a pair of dolphins.

After 10 years on a diet of fortified seagull eggs, the dolphins hadn't aged a day. But there was one problem. Th...

What's the difference between a scientist and plumber?

The way they pronounce unionized

Scientists have just discovered a fossilised dinosaur fart.

They say it’s a blast from the past.

My grandad died yesterday.

His final wish before he died was that his body be used by scientists to create a massive cloud of water vapour.

He will be mist.

Scientists are worried about a new variant of COVID that makes you sweat mayonnaise...

...but don't worry, they're confident they can contain the spread.

Scientists now have a word for post-coital bonding

Unfortunately all the men in the study had fallen asleep before it could be explained to them.

What do you call a not so smart scientist?

Bill Naive the science guy

Radio Yerevan was asked: "Was comrade Lenin a scientist or a politician?"

Radio Yerevan answered: "Of course, a politician. If he were a scientist, he would've first tried his theories on dogs."

Scientists found out...

...some were also found in!

What do you call a scientist who works with bacteria?

A man of culture.

A great scientist invents a machine to split the pain of birth between a couple...

He finds a couple who just went into labour, and asks them if he can use the machine on them, as a test.

The couple agrees, and the husband says "We can split it 50 - 50, its only fair". So the scientist turns the machine up to 50%, just as the baby begins coming out, and the women starts gro...

A brilliant scientist successfully creates a lifelike deer cyborg.

Dr. Holmes, after many years of biotechnological research, finally succeeded in his secret project, using funds diverted from his research grant. Because the project needed to be kept off the records, Dr. Holmes kept the deer at home.

The cyborg would grow and develop just as a normal fawn wo...

I have the eyes of an artist, the mind of a scientist, the hands of a pianist, and the heart of a child.

Now I'm getting the electric chair after I was caught trying to get the liver of a politician.

Scientists removed the right half of a man's brain...

...and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten."

Then they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine."

The scientists then removed both halves of...

Scientists recently have been doing some new studies with the mummy of Egypt's famous boy king.

With the aid of highly advanced mri scans they were able to ascertain he suffered from a major gastro intestinal disorder. Apparently he was lactose intolerant. So it turns out, me and the Egyptian kid got a toot in common

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Scientist walks into bar with an apple...

He sits down and the bartender says, "what's the apple for?" Scientist says "I made this apple taste like a screwdriver. Here, try it."
The bartender grabs it and takes a bite. "Woah! Tastes like vodka!"
"Turn it around," the scientist says. The bartender turns it around and takes another bite...

After years of research, scientists discovered bees are allergic to pollen

Turns out when exposed to pollen, bees develop hives

Scientists definitively confirmed today that anteaters are incapable of contracting coronavirus.

Apparently they’re filled with anty bodies.

American scientists found out...

...but then they went back inside.

Scientists record the sound of two helium atoms laughing.

HeHe

Where do nuclear scientists go on their holidays

They go Fission...

What do you call a German scientist who runs out of beer glasses?

Nein Stein

New Zealand scientists have discovered two new uses for sheep

Meat and wool.

People say Elon Musk is a mad scientist. Do you think he relates to Dr. Jekyll?

Because I've always heard he benefited from having a part Hyde.

Scientists have successfully grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish...

...the results speak for themselves.

Scientists have determined that if you drink more water, you will live longer...

But the extra time is spent peeing.

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A scientist sat beside a little girl on a plane. He wanted to start a conversation.

He said: » I hear flights shorten if you talk with other passangers…«

The little girl replied: »OK, what do you want to talk about?«

The scientist was being a bit sarcastic: »Why don't we talk about nuclear physics?«

The girl said: »Can I ask you somethig first? A goat, a cow an...

What do you call a scientist who splits atoms to create bubbly beverages?

A nuclear fizzicist.

Do you know in which country scientists have successfully crossed an otter and a human?

The otterman empire

What did the scientist say when he found two isotopes of helium?

HeHe...

Im making bad chemistry jokes coz all the good ones argon

Q. How do you reprimand a lazy scientist working in a cryogenetics lab?

A. "Your contribution in this project is absolute zero"

Some Irish scientists measured the size of the coronavirus variant.

It was one O'Micron.

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Clones are people too...

A research scientist at a large corporate laboratory developed a method to clones humans. Unfortunately, the ethics review board would not allow him to experiment on humans. So he decided to clone himself in secret. He was also able to accelerate the aging process so within a short time, the clone w...

Villager 1: Flee for your lives! The mad scientist in the castle turned a tiny lizard into a monster that's destroying everything in its path!

Villager 2: Meh, why bother. We're doomed from the gecko.

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A scientist, a mathematician, and in idiot all die in a car wreck and go to Heaven.

"Unfortunately, since heaven is quite full at the moment, I am only going to allow one of you in," the Devil says. "Whoever can ask me a question that I cannot answer correctly will be admitted into heaven. The rest will go to hell."

So the scientist steps up and asks him, "What is the most c...

Scientists have created the world’s smallest battery, which is the size of a grain of dust but capable of powering a computer

Its design is based on a swiss roll, meaning the creators hope it'll become more popular once they work out how to make a chocolate version.

Scientists are working on new solar energy panels.

They want a material that absorbs and releases the most radiating heat. The consensus is car seats.

Interestingly enough, scientists have discovered a fascinating new species of frog, named the “Romulan Pond Frog” that has an amazing way of evading predators.

In the press release, scientists showed footage of the frogs using a special call that appeared to disorient predators, leaving them unable to precisely locate the frogs.

Scientists are calling this special call a "croaking device."

3 scientists a boat driver and a crocodile are in a dingy

A material scientist, a biologist, a physicist, and a boat driver are in dingy in the middle of a river with a crocodile in a cage.

The boat driver is nervous and is worried the crocodile might brake out of the cage and eat them all.

The material scientist says he doesn’t need to worry...

An artist, an engineer, and a scientist walk into a bar.

Thee barkeep says "What'll it be, Leonardo?"

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