Scientists got bored of watching the earth spin for 24 hours.

So they called it a day.

Scientists have discovered a way to milk sheep.

Just release a new iphone every year.

Yesterday, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, and refused to apologize when wrong.

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Nasa scientists became fed up of jokes on Uranus and decided to change it's name

It's now called Urrectum

A scientist from Alabama once said

Everyone is a relative.

Scientists have proven that there are two things in the air that have been known to cause women to get pregnant

Their legs

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A scientist, a mathematician, and in idiot all die in a car wreck and go to Heaven.

"Unfortunately, since heaven is quite full at the moment, I am only going to allow one of you in," the Devil says. "Whoever can ask me a question that I cannot answer correctly will be admitted into heaven. The rest will go to hell."

So the scientist steps up and asks him, "What is the most c...

There once was a scientist who helped produce many fantastic and otherworldly varieties of sodapop.

Sadly, he was only paid a flat rate, as he had no degree in fizzics.

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There was once a scientist who found he could raise his IQ by masterbaiting

It was a stroke of genius

Several scientists were all posed the following question: "What is 2 * 2 ?"

The engineer whips out his slide rule (so it's old) and shuffles it back and forth, and finally announces "3.99".

The physicist consults his technical references, sets up the problem on his computer, and announces "it lies between 3.98 and 4.02".

The mathematician cogitates for a whi...

A mad scientist was pondering over a mirror one night

His concerned wife asked him what he was up to. He said he discovered something amazing and could not figure out how it worked. Curious, she asked him about what he discovered. He replied “When you look really closely, all mirrors look like eyeballs”.

Two scientists are talking about what scientific name they should give a species they found

Scientist 1:how about this *slams hand on keyboard*


Scientist 2:too short let me try *slams head on keyboard multiple times*


Scientist 1:perfect

I believe autocorrect was invented by history's most famous scientist.

Albeit Einstein would disagree.

Scientists- Only a tiny percentage of universe is observable, the rest is beyond our reach.

Women after Breakup - I've seen it all.

What’s a Scientist’s favourite dog?

A Lab.

What do you call a scientist who believes in ancient gods and goddesses?

Carl Pagan!

Came up by myself!

What do you do to a sick scientist?

If you can't Curium and Helium, then you might as well Barium

How many computer scientists does it take to change a lightbulb

0 to 1

Why did the mad scientist smell so lovely?

He cologned himself.

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Scientists have discovered that when you sneeze the sensation is 1/16 of an orgasm.

Which is why I leave a pot of pepper on my wife’s bedside, because she at least deserves *something*

How do you tell an introverted computer scientist from an extroverted computer scientist?

An introverted computer scientist looks at their own shoes when they talk to you

An extroverted computer scientist looks at your shoes when they talk to you.

Heard it while watching AlphaGo.

Scientist: "My findings are meaningless if taken out of context."

Media: Scientist claims "Findings are meaningless."

The Brilliant Scientist

A brilliant scientist, by the name of Dr. Elliot Kupferberg, assembled yet another fruitful invention that would slap anyone who dared to lie within its presence. But one last piece remained. He knew, as a scientist, that he needed to test his potentially dangerous contraption on humans. So he thoug...

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A scientist with a cage is running down a street when he bumped into someone. The cage fell and several Labrador puppies fell out.

He yells at the guy, "Watch out, those are my fucking Lab results!"

I’m a scientist researching bestiality.

If anyone needs anything, I’ll be in my lab.

Scientists have determined how many people it takes to screw in a light bulb.

It's less than to screw in a heavy bulb.

A scientist is conducting an experiment to determine whether frogs can follow simple commands.

A scientist is conducting an experiment to determine whether frogs can follow simple commands. He begins with a healthy, four-legged frog, and says, “Jump, frog, jump!”

Right on command, the frog jumps.

He then cuts off one of the frog’s legs says “Jump, frog, jump!”, the frog still ju...

It's crazy to think that we have scientists that can make hamburgers out of plants. These possibilities are just...

Beyond meat

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Isaac Newton died a virgin, which means I have a one up on one of history's greatest scientists

Because I'm not dead.

Scientists in NY have made a major breakthrough with curing the Epstein-Barr virus.

New research suggests that half of the problem might go away on its own if you leave it alone in its jail cell.

What did the Pie scientist use for their experiment?

A peach tree dish.

What club do racist scientists join?

The Potassium Potassium Potassium.

Scientists have taken the first pictures of the interior of a black hole.

It's all pink.

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Scientists have discovered a new type of bees that make milk!

They have named them boobees

Scientists have recently discovered that a pinniped’s external ear flaps carry an electric charge

If you put them on a seal, you get a seal ion.

5 out of 6 scientists agree

Russian roulette is completely safe

I met this computer scientist chick. Really ugly.

She was like a 10.

What is a scientist's favorite type of gum?

ex-spearmint!

Two scientists are studying a volcano. One says 'yep, she's gonna blow'.

The other says 'nevermind her, what about the volcano?'

A scientist invented a new machine that could detect lies

So he called three women to test it. A brunette, a redhead and a blonde.

First he asked the brunette to say something. She said,“i think i can eat 12 burgers with an empty stomach”. The machine beeped. “ okay, maybe 8”. The machine was quiet.

Next he asked the redhead to test it. She...

Why don’t scientists trust atoms

They make up everything

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My boss just walked in with some scientists and yelled "Random drug test!"

I think he's taking the piss

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If scientists perfect our nutrition so that our bodies metabolize 100% of what we eat with zero waste, we may evolve to a pinnacle of civilization. Why?

There will be no more assholes in the world.

Scientists have developed a vaccine against stupidity.

But anti-vaxxers won't get it.

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Scientists have identified a food that completely kills sex drive in women.

It's called "wedding cake."

Scientists found out that the cause for the California earthquake was not a divine retribution but simply a banana peel.

Your mom slipped over it.

Scientist begin testing cancer treamtnents in lions.

It’s going well, until one day a scientist checks in with the feline that had been receiving chemotherapy, and realized that it’s missing. She freaks out, but one of her colleagues says “Don’t panic just yet,” and throws a rib eye into the lion’s cage. Instantly, the lion seems to materialize from n...

A famous scientist was on his way to a lecture in yet another university when his driver offered an idea.

"Hey, boss, I've heard your speech so many times I bet I could deliver it and give you the night off." "Sounds great," the scientist said. When they got to the auditorium, the scientist put on the driver's hat and settled into the back row. The driver walked on the stage delivered the speech. Afterw...

Scientists have finally figured out what's at the bottom of the Mariana's Trench!

water.

Scientists invent a new machine to ease the pain during childbirth

The machine transfers the pain a woman feels during labor to the father of the baby, at any percentage rate between 0 and 100%.

The first couple to test it is very excited, they connect the machine to the soon-to-be-mother and warn the husbands about the consequences. "Men are not used to fee...

Scientists transformed a tiger into a horse.

Don't worry, it's in a stable condition.

A historian, a journalist, and a political scientist walk into a bar on January 23, 1993...

[Citation Needed]

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In the year XXXX, two scientists discover how to time travel. One of them tries to test it.

After a few minutes, he returns and tells the other: ''Our ancestors had to deal with a lot of shit: they forced women to give birth to the seed of their own family members, they were treating rats as unnatural spawns of the devil sent for harming the children...''



The other one repl...

Two scientists walk into a bar

The first scientist says “I’ll have some H2O”
He happily drinks the drink
The second scientist says “I’ll have some H20 too”
The bartender gives him a drink, and the second scientist soon dies

Scientists have succeeded in crossing a man with a sea-cow!

Oh the humanatee.

Scientists recently discovered something in the air that causes women to become pregnant -

Their legs

A scientist put a flux capacitor in his bicep...

I told him, “Weird flux, but okay.”

In contrast to God, scientists must have a very low self esteem.

Whenever the result of an experiment differs from the prediction, they think it was their fault.

Scientists found out..

but then went inside again.

A climate scientist and a climate-change denier walk into a bar

The climate-change denier goes to the bartender and asks for the strongest drink in the house.

The bartender takes out a bottle and says, "This is Absinthe, about 75% alcohol. Can I sell you a glass?"

The climate-change denier gets all upset and leaves the bar in a huff. The climate sc...

A brilliant pharma scientist has been trying to get rich by inventing something new

He Cured AIDS. But the government paid him a nominal amount and took over his cure.

The same thing happened with Cancer. His efforts were minimally rewarded.

No matter what he tried, his efforts were being wasted all the time.

One day, he thought enough is enough and decided to ...

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Scientists have come up with a foolproof methodology of predicting when someone lies

There are 2 different approaches for each sexes.

For Males
OBSERVATIONS
1) the eyes deviate slightly to the left indicating the Male is accessing the creative part of the brain
2) heartrate elevates in an attempt to support the strain of the creative effort
3) pupils constrict s...

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Three scientists want to know how long can an organism live without shitting

They try to test it with a pig, so they put a plug in his butthole and start feeding him for days.

The first two weeks the pig is ok, but the third week the scientists see that the pig has become very very fat, so they decide to remove the plug from his ass.

The problem is they don't k...

Just one.

How many scientists does it take to build a time machine?

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Scientists recently discovered that narwhals and belugas can interbreed

I didn't think the narwhal could get any hornier.

A few days ago, a team of 200 scientists released the first ever image of a cosmic body with a mass 7 billion times that of the sun's, also known as

yo mama lmao

Two scientists walk into a bar

One says I’ll have “H2O”

The one on the right says “I’ll have H2O too”

The bartender says ok, and hands them their water.

30 seconds later and the scientist fall on the floor

“What happened “ a scientist says
“ oops I gave him H2O2”

I know it’s bad but my scien...

A scientist told me my climate change denial was wrong, citing the horrific brush fires we see wiping out swathes of vegetation all over the world.

I told him they were just plants.

Why didn't the scientist install a door bell at his home?

Because he wanted a Nobel prize.

Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds

They’ve left no tern unstoned

I bet a lot of money that scientists will be able to perfect human cloning soon.

If not, I won’t be able to live with myself.

A scientist is asked by the government to create the first teleporter.

Knowing that this will be an incredibly hard task, the scientist devotes every day to the task, until they have created the teleporter.

First, the scientist discovers that titanium and sulfur, when combined create a metal that would make a great base and projector for the teleporter, so they ...

Scientists discovered getting diarrhea is hereditary.

It runs in your genes.

Scientists discovered that death is actually caused by moss buildup in veins, which stops the flow of blood.

This is why Keith Richards is still alive.

What did the scientist tell his sister when she wouldn't sit still?

Stasis.

I made a group for rocket scientists once

It really took off

Two scientists walk into a restaurant. The first one says, "I'll have an H2O."

The second one says, "I'll also have a glass of water. Why are you referring to it so strangely. We're not at work anymore."

The first scientist goes into the bathroom and cries. His assassination attempt has failed.

Scientists modified bears DNA to make them more humanlike.

Unfortunately the result was unbearable.

I was at a party and there was a big bowl of mixed alcohol and fruit juice, with a long line of brain surgeons, rocket scientists, and Nobel prize winners all queuing up to drink it...

...I thought what a great punch line.

Scientists have recently created a new plan to get rid of the large trash island in the ocean

They call it "Brexit".

Why did it take scientists so long to get a picture of a black hole?

If they wanted a picture of something devouring all life force around them, they could have just asked for a picture of my mother in law.

A mathematician, a scientist, and an economist walk past a field of cows.

The mathematician says "Those cows are brown on this side."

The scientist says "Those are brown cows."

The economist wrinkles his brow, nods, and says "All cows are brown."

What did the scientist say when he found 2 Isotopes of Helium?

HeHe

A scientist and a philosopher are being chased by a hungry lion.

The scientist makes some quick calculations and says, “It's no good trying to outrun it. It's catching up!”


The philosopher keeps a little ahead and replies, “I'm not trying to outrun the lion, I'm trying to outrun you!”

Scientists have a new theory on how the first laxative was discovered.

It was an accident.

There was an old scientist who invented an anti-Alzheimer’s vaccine.

Unfortunately, he forgot the formula.

Two scientists entered a bar

One orders H^(2)O the other said "Il have H^(2)O^(2)" and dies.

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Two scientists walk into a bar

"I'll have an H2O."

"I'll have an H2O too."

The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position as well as pragmatic context.

Scientists recently dicovered a new dinosaur that was very intelligent

Its called Thesaurus

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Scientist "I went back in time and killed Hitler"

Other Scientist "Who?"

Billy the ant scientist.

Once there was a mad scientist named Billy obsessed with experimenting on ants. For the this he earned the nickname "Ant billy" Billy ant" or "that weird ant dude" or variations there of and was generally considered a laughingstock of the town.

Determined to not be such a goddamn failure anym...

A scientist decides to conduct an experiment on the anatomy of arachnids, so he takes a spider and puts it on his table.

“Walk!”, he yells, and the spider starts skittering away. The scientist writes the results down: “when a normal spider is told to walk, it walks.”

He then takes the spider and plucks one of its legs out. He then sets it on the table and yells the same thing,“walk!”

The spider starts wa...

What did American physicists say to the US government after German scientists discovered how to split atoms?

Don’t worry, theres other fission, DC.

Many top scientists are on the autism spectrum..

And that means that autism causes vaccines.

Scientists have discovered that there is intelligent DNA inside of a lot of Women.

Unfortunately, most of them spit it out.

There was a scientist who was frozen to absolute zero.

Don’t worry, he was 0K.

Scientists removed the right half of a man's brain...

...and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten."

Then they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine."

The scientists then removed both halves of...

A local Scientist recieves an anonymous tip...

One day a local scientist named Steve was sent a mysterious email. The email read:

Steve I know who you are, and where you live. My name must remain anonymous, so as of now you may refer to me as "Somebody". Steve I contact you because my independent studies have discovered a massive earthqua...

Scientists now think cats originated on Mars. NASA was set to retrieve a specimen confirming this,

...but curiosity killed it.

Famous last words between Two Scientists...

Let's try it this way.

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Did you hear about the scientists that successfully cross bred a duck with a golden retriever?

The results were good, but she was a foul bitch.

SCIENTISTS IN HEAVEN

All the scientists were playing hide nd seek. Einstein was the seeker. He counted till 10 nd then began searching. Meanwhile all the scientists were hiding Newton stood in a square of 1 metre. Einstein sees him nd calls his name to which Newton replies"I am standing in a square of 1meter so Newton/m...

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Scientists Discover Food That Lowers Womens' Sex Drive By 90 Percent

'Wedding Cake'

A scientist and the Catholic Pope were eating lunch together while discussing the latest news in scientific discovery.

Scientist: Right now, my research team is working on trying to clone insects using gene-replicating techniques.

Pope: That is very interesting! How far have you come along with it?

Scientist: We have engineered the cloning process, now we are going to execute our next phase which is ex...

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The year: 2029. A brilliant scientist is constructing the first sentient artificial intelligence.

He's working out of his garage in San Francisco, living on charitable donations from his worried friends. He dropped out of college when he realized he could change the world — there's no going back; his life is dedicated to this project. At first, he is met with failure upon failure. But then, he r...

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How did the scientist get a woman ready for sex?

Two test tickles.

Scientists have grown human vocal cords in a Petri dish

The results speak for themselves.

Why are all the good Genetic Scientists from NZ?

They've been mixing human and sheep DNA for centuries

While we are sharing terrible time wasting pun jokes... this is the worst one I have ever heard

A friend of mine told me this one some years ago. It is the worst joke I have ever heard in my life.

A mad scientist, up on his secret sea-side mountaintop lair, is working on a life extension serum. He has nearly perfected it, and is about to begin testing it on dolphins.

Unfortun...

With the announcement of the first picture of a black hole, scientists have confirmed

once you go black you never do come back

Physicists are the only scientists that matter

But mathematicians are the only ones who count

Edit: First time on the front page of /r/Jokes!

Edit 2: #10!

Scientists tested a frog.

They cut off its legs and said "jump!"

The frog didn't jump.

Scientists therefore concluded that when frogs lose their legs, they become deaf.

An Indian scientist was collaborating with an American called Robert

Both of them being genetic researchers, they had reached a breakthrough in rice where a gene introduced would help it grow in the most adverse of conditions. They called it Victory gene, or V gene for short.

But Robert decided to steal the credit for himself, so he stole the v gene, and escap...

I knew a scientist who was obsessed with figuring out to clone a person. One day he figured it out. He was so excited.

He was beside himself.

A Russian Scientist Teaches frogs to Jump on Command

Altogether he has four frogs. He says, "Jump, froggies, jump."

Interestingly enough they all jump at the same time.

He cuts off their front right legs to see if they jump differently. Indeed, they do. They jump on his verbal command once again.

He keeps amputating their limbs on...

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A scientist named Nick asked his colleague about what was smelling here.

"Arsenic", he said.

If a scientist rewrote “The Fault In Our Stars” what would they name it?

The Fault In Our Tectonic Plates

Scientists have determined that it's impossible to change a female sheep into a male.

They'll never make a man out of ewe.

One day , the scientists decided to play hide and seek. When the seeker started to count , everybody but Newton went hiding. Newton drew a square 1m each side right behind the seeker and stepped into it. The seeker found him immediately and declared "Newton, Newton". But Newton refused to lose.

He said: This square covered an area of 1m2. I'm a Newton on 1m2. So I'm Pascal.

Why is Newton the most alcoholic scientist ?

Because there are 10 N/cm² in a bar.

Did you hear scientists have proved that diarrhea is genetic?

Apparently it runs in your jeans.

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