A white scientist is studying a tribe in Africa

A white scientist is studying an African tribe.

One day, the tribe leaders wife has a white son.

The tribe leader approaches the scientist soon after.

"Well, we both know what happened here. No one else could have done it. You slept with my wife, I have to kill you." The tribe l...

Scientists have finally figured out what happened to all the water that used be Mars

Turns out, the planet was once occupied by Nestle

A scientist recently said that the “perfect earthquake” was going to strike the West Coast soon.

The evidence to support his claim was shaky at best.

I have the eyes of an artist, the mind of a scientist, the hands of a pianist, and the heart of a child.

Now I'm getting the electric chair after I was caught trying to get the liver of a politician.

August 20, 2020: Scientists have discovered a "mystery object" in space. The object is equal to 2.6 solar masses.

March 1, 2021: (Update) Scientists have determined that the “mystery object” is made up of unmatched socks.

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Scientists claim its impossible to fold a piece of paper 8 times.

They have obviously never seen me wiping my ass when there is only one sheet of toilet paper left.

A scientist frozen himself at -273.15°C, everyone said he was crazy...

But he was 0K.

What do you call a scientist who splits atoms to create bubbly beverages?

A nuclear fizzicist.

Why do scientists don't have doorbells in their house?

Because they want to win no-bell prize¡

NASA Scientists were eagerly waiting for the rover to send back the first sounds from Mars.

A program decades in the making, a feat of engineering never before accomplished. Not only did they include high resolution cameras for the landing, but incredibly robust microphones to capture the first sounds from an alien planet.

The team of people were huddled around a lab station for hou...

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My scientist wife decided to test the hypothesis that more sex would improve our marriage. It's already been a week, and I've concluded...

that I'm in the control group.

Scientists have finally discovered exactly how much sleep a human needs.....

"Just five minutes more."

Two scientists, Jim and Dave, walk into a bar...

... Jim asks for a H20.

Dave asks why he ordered it like that, and Jim says that they're scientists and so should present themselves as such.

Dave replies "whatever, I'll have a water too".

Jim watches the bartender get Dave's drink, angry that his assassination attempt failed.

Scientists have found that sunblock is actually 50% effective as birth control

Because it only blocks the sons

I've once fooled an entire class filled with future Doctors, Lawyers, and scientists...

Of course they were all in Kindergarten so it wasn't hard

Did you hear about that fancy, new, lightweight mucus that scientists discovered?

It’s rather phlegm-buoyant!

A scientist gets pulled over.

The policeman says “Sir, you ran a red light.” The scientist said “I could’ve sworn it was green.” The policeman says “Understandable.” And gives the scientist a 111,075,071 mph speeding ticket.

A scientist built a robot but unbeknownst to him, the battery was damaged.

The only way to fix the battery was to sprinkle it with sodium chloride. Some chemical reaction with the combination of battery acid and sodium chloride caused the robot to act highly irrationally and attack the scientist, at which point the robot had to be detained by police.

The robot was c...

What did the radioactive isotope say to the scientist?

I.D.K.

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An Ohio scientist goes to Japan for a press conference as the main speaker.

However, he was not informed that the press conference wasn't in English. The translator was there, but there were many moments of laughter among the audience when he translated for the scientist. When he inquired, the translator did not give any reason.

After the press conference and coming ...

If you know a scientist, here's a good question to stump them:

How come meteorites always land in the middle of a crater?

Scientists have discovered another deadly pathogen they are calling the Peekaboo virus.

Doctors are sending anyone with peekaboo straight to ICU.

An unethical young scientist finds a frog on the side of the road



He takes it in for studying and sets it on his desk. The scientist prods the frog and tells it to jump. The frog leaps an astonishing 3 feet 8 inches into the air.

The scientist takes one leg off the frog, and then pokes it again, yelling "Jump". The Frog needs no further telling and ...

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I know of a zoophile scientist who is studying human-dog sexual relationships.

He's always in his lab

A bunch of evolutionary scientists got together for a cookout one day.

The got a bunch of stuff to grill up, but everyone was most excited about the sausages.

The scientists counted the sausages to make sure there were enough for everyone, and even though they initially thought they had enough they were one short. They checked the cooler, the fridge, and everyw...

How often do scientists reference the Table of Elements?

Periodically.

I never believed that scientists could clone humans...

...but once they proved me wrong, I was beside myself.

Easiest way to tell a scientist from a construction worker?

Have them pronounce unionize.

Scientists have discovered a way to walk through walls....

It's called a door.

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A NASA scientist, Argentinian, and Nazi walked into a bar

He was promptly kicked out.

What happened when the mad scientist fused two animals together on his safari?

*shrugs* "Elephrhino!"










My girlfriend slapped me when she got this joke, so I figured it was good enough for reddit

Why don't scientists trust atoms?

They make up everything.

Scientists confirmed today that anteaters are incapable of contracting Covid...

Apparently they're filled with anty-bodies

What do you do with a sick scientist?

Well if you can't helium or curium then you might as well barium!

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A scientist sat beside a little girl on a plane. He wanted to start a conversation.

He said: » I hear flights shorten if you talk with other passangers…«

The little girl replied: »OK, what do you want to talk about?«

The scientist was being a bit sarcastic: »Why don't we talk about nuclear physics?«

The girl said: »Can I ask you somethig first? A goat, a cow an...

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Thats a Bug

\*\*Scientist: Dick Bug\*\*


Other Scientist: no


\*\*Scientist: Penis Beetle\*\*


Other Scientist: no


\*\*Scientist: Cock Roach\*\*


Other Scientist: fine whatever

Hello everyone! I'm a scientist and I am researching bestiality between humans and dogs.

I will be in my Lab if you need me.

How do scientists keep their breath fresh?

Experamints

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A scientist was experimenting on a cockroach..

A scientist was experimenting on a cockroach..

He pulls out one leg of cockroaches leg each time and let him free and says go...

The scientist notes down the result,

1- cockroach can run when one leg was pulled out.

2- cockroach can run when the second leg was pulled ...

A great scientist invents a machine to split the pain of birth between a couple...

He finds a couple who just went into labour, and asks them if he can use the machine on them, as a test.

The couple agrees, and the husband says "We can split it 50 - 50, its only fair". So the scientist turns the machine up to 50%, just as the baby begins coming out, and the women starts gro...

How does a scientist freshen her breath?

With experi-mints.

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A scientist is trying to invent

a bra that keeps women's breasts from bouncing when running and doesn’t show nipples when wet.

Don’t worry, we killed the idiot.

I once asked a scientist "how do you make a hormone?" He took a moment to think, and then replied "that's easy...

... Don't pay her."

Scientists modified bears DNA to make them more humanlike.

... unfortunately the result was unbearable

Who was the scariest scientist?

Frank Einstein

Scientists say, "Eat before you go into a grocery store, so you don't buy as much."

That does not work in a liquor store.

When should scientists unionize?

If the ionizing didn't work.

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Two scientists walk into a bar.

"I'll have H2O," says the first.
"I'll have H2O, too," says the second.

The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position, as well as pragmatic context.

What do you call a scientist who works with bacteria?

A man of culture.

Three scientists were awarded the Nobel Prize for their work on black holes. The Trump Administration immediately objected

and said that research would should be directed towards white holes as well.

Scientists were studying rams

They had three rams in their lab. Each ram had a leather collar, and attached to each collar was a tag identifying them as A, B and C.

One of the researchers brought a large gourd from the supply closet and placed it on the head of Ram A. Nothing happened. After five minutes he removed the g...

Why do scientists hate reacting the 1 mol concentration of a carboxyl acid and 1 mil concentration alkane?

They make 1 mol-ester!

After many thousands of hours of research, a team of scientists at Loughborough University have finally managed to pinpoint the exact time of day a woman is likely to begin an argument.

Any.

Scientists have opened a dimensional rift in one of New York's most popular tourist spots.

They're now calling it Times Squared.

Scientist: We've discovered a clump of atoms that has no sense of humor.

Me : You've got to br kidding.
Scientist : This is no laughing matter.

California scientists are studying the impact of cannabis seeds from the farms will have on the local seabird population

Apparently they are being thorough and are leaving no tern unstoned

What was the name of that really annoying scientist?

Isaac Nuisance

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North Korean scientists report 50% success at turning shit into butter

Spreads fine, taste slightly off.

A brilliant scientist successfully creates a lifelike deer cyborg.

Dr. Holmes, after many years of biotechnological research, finally succeeded in his secret project, using funds diverted from his research grant. Because the project needed to be kept off the records, Dr. Holmes kept the deer at home.

The cyborg would grow and develop just as a normal fawn wo...

Scientists have invented a bomb that explodes when the temperature hits absolute zero

It's called the "0K Boomer"

Did you hear scientists were able to grow vocal cords in a petri dish?

The results speak for themselves

Two scientists walk into a bar.

The first scientist tells the bartender, "I'd like some H2O please."

The second scientist says, "I would also like H2O."

The two scientists finish their drink, but on their way out the second scientist suddenly collapses and starts foaming at the mouth.

"What happened?" goes the...

A scientist drops a bar of gold on his foot by mistake...

"Au!", he exclaimed.

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Scientists confirmed West Virginia has zero cases of COVID-19

This was due to the fact that one family was immune to the strain.

Scientists Invent Machine That Can Ruin Any Pizza

It's called a microwave.

A scientist announced he managed to cool something down to absolute zero.

It was 0K.

What do you call a snitching scientist?

A lab rat

Al Gore and a computer scientist started a band.

The Al Gore Rhythms

Two scientists are playing Minecraft.

Two scientists are playing Minecraft. One is new to the game and doesn’t know much about it. At some point, he crafts a pickaxe, but doesn’t know what to do with it, so he asks the more experienced scientist.

Scientist 1: Bro, what should I do with this pickaxe that I crafted?

Scie...

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A woman asks a drunk man if he is a scientist.

Drunk man: Hell Yeah! I'll sign your tits.

Scientists have accidentally created immortal frogs

While running experiments, they decided to cut some of the frogs vocal cords.
Ever since then, the frogs just wont croak

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There was a scientist working away in obscurity for years, with peculiar experiments on spiders.

After years and years he placed an advertisement in several academic journals to let the community know he was finished and was to host a live show to demonstrate his findings. At the event hundreds were there more out of curiosity than anything as the details of the findings were kept secret. The m...

Scientists say there are 6 people who look the same as you.

Unfortunately, i'm the last survivor.

A scientist was experimenting with how high frogs could jump.





First, he found a frog and said: "Jump". The frog jumped 2 feet into the air. The scientist recorded this in his notebook.

Next, he carefully pulled one leg off the frog, and told it to jump. It jumped 8 inches into the air, so he recorded this.

He pulled off yet anothe...

Scientists wanted to finally answer "how many incels does it take to screw in a lightbulb?"

Getting them into the lightbulb was the easy part.

Food scientists have finally managed to remove the mint flavor from gum

The ex-spearmint was a complete success

People say Elon Musk is a mad scientist. Do you think he relates to Dr. Jekyll?

Because I've always heard he benefited from having a part Hyde.

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference...

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:


"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"



The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science...

Scientists recently discovered that there is no such thing as gravity

The Earth just sucks

2 scientists walk into a bar, the first one says “I’ll have H2O” the second one says “I’ll have water also” the first scientist walks off, furious that is assassination attempt had failed.

You have to be moderately smart to understand it...

Scientists have discovered a way to milk sheep.

Just release a new iphone every year.

A scientists asks people on the street whats the most acidic thing they own. One man answers its his phone. The scientist replies: “No, acidic does not mean dirty”

The man replies: “I know, my phone has a ph of one”

Did you hear about the scientist who devoted his life to researching how to create potassium out of thin air?

Some could say... >!he’d gone bananas!<

A scientist named Berade cloned himself 76 times. Because of a mutation, the clones were all much more muscular than the real Berade.

One day one of the clones said to his 75 fellow clones, "I'm tired of that weakling bossing us around! He's treating us like servants just because he created us!"

So the clones all picked up Berade and threw him into a pigpen. When Berade landed, a hornet's nest was dislodged, and the hornets...

Scientists believe they're very close to curing Agoraphobia.

Unfortunately for the agoraphobics, its just around the corner.

A scientist called the customer support of his microscope company, complaining that the light bulb was broke.

Customer support responded that they will look into it.

Scientists say they may be able to synthesize a completely clean biofuel using the enzymes in finely shredded fungi, such as mushrooms...

Some critics have questioned the ethics of the process, but admit they are comforted by the researchers’ strong Morel fibre.

Scientists were baffled when hundreds of stars were suddenly extinguished.

Nobody saw the meteor that slammed into Hollywood.

Scientist recently linked a disease to women acting like a Karen.

It's mad cow disease.

According to Scientists atom’s are as old the universe

So therefore your honour she was legal

Scientists have discovered the gene for shyness

They stated that it could have been discovered years ago, but it was found hiding behind two other genes...

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A scientist, a mathematician, and in idiot all die in a car wreck and go to Heaven.

"Unfortunately, since heaven is quite full at the moment, I am only going to allow one of you in," the Devil says. "Whoever can ask me a question that I cannot answer correctly will be admitted into heaven. The rest will go to hell."

So the scientist steps up and asks him, "What is the most c...

A scientist is looking to conduct an experiment using dolphins

He goes to the pet store and asks the clerk if they have any dolphins

The clerk responds “We don’t have any dolphins, but would a whale work?”

The scientist responds “No thank you, that defeats the porpoise”

The most embarrassing thing that can happen to a data scientist...

Is premature extrapolation.

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Scientists made a brand new discovery about sperms......

They don't swim the way you think, they swim in _cockscrew_ motion

Scientists have confirmed a new strain of bird flu going around

It's transmitted from crows and ravens to people. They've named it Corvid-19

Have scientists considered Queen Elizabeth's

Blood for covid-19 vaccine...??

What did the suicidal guy say to the scientist who was trying to not get him to jump

You have so much potential

A crazy scientist asked strangers on Reddit to help him make a bomb

Edit: Wow this exploded! I didn't expect that, Thank you guys!

A theological one for the computer scientists

After the animals exited the ark, the Lord came to the animals and the Lord spoke "Go forth and multiply".

The snakes came to him and said "Oh Lord, we cannot fulfil the commandment, for we are adders"

Thus spoke the Lord "Go and cut down the trees, and out of the trees you shall fashi...

Scientists have determined that one dog year is not equal to 7 human years.

The only thing equal to 7 human years is 2020

Recently, Scientists have shown that Earth’s magnetic field is weakening.

It’s true. Current events have made it less attractive.

Two scientists walk into a bar.

The first man says “I’ll have H2O please.”

The bartender replies “Sure thing, and you?”

The second man says “I’ll have H2O aswell please.”

The bartender turns around and mutters to himself “Dammit, I’ll get him next time.”

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What is it called when a scientist masturbates ?

A stroke of genius.

A scientist goes to a bar

He tells the barkeeper, give me 20 beers! It's for research! I want to see how many beers you need to take to get drunk!

The barkeeper gives him 20 beers, and the scientist finishes it in no time. He asks for 10 more.

Again, he drinks all beers in a few minutes. And asks for 5 more. An...

Scientists have discovered life on Venus!

I’m going to see if they want my wife back.

Did you hear about scientist exposing herbs to nuclear radiation?

It led to some amazing exspearmints.

Plant scientists have used genetic engineering to create a new variety of orange.

The novel navel.

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Scientists have discovered a food that totally erases a woman 's sex drive.

It's called a wedding cake.

Scientists removed the right half of a man's noggin...

...and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted,

> "Two, four, six, eight, ten."

Then they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted,

> "One, three, five, seven, nine."

The scientists t...

Why did the scientists announce to the world they had a vaccine without adequate human testing?

Because they were Russian...

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Scientist walks into bar with an apple...

He sits down and the bartender says, "what's the apple for?" Scientist says "I made this apple taste like a screwdriver. Here, try it."
The bartender grabs it and takes a bite. "Woah! Tastes like vodka!"
"Turn it around," the scientist says. The bartender turns it around and takes another bite...

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A scientist walks into a doctor's office to inquire about his fever.

The doctor asks the scientist to lay down and drop his pants, which the scientist does without question.

The doctor asks about the scientists field of work to which he replies "astronomy my dear boy". The doctor was overjoyed at this response as space had always interested him.


T...

Donald Trump, a scientist, a grandfather and his grandson were on a plane.

Suddenly, the plane's engine malfunctioned. The pilot turned around to face his passengers and said, "There are 3 parachutes. One of you will have to stay here with me while I try to land this plane."

Donald Trump immediately grabbed a pack and said, "I am the most important person on this p...

Ball volume

A mathematician, scientist, & engineer were tasked with finding the volume of a ball



The mathematician derived it using a formula given the circumference



The scientist measured the displaced volume when submerged in water

The engineer found the model # ...

Scientists have discovered that diarrhea is hereditary....

It runs in your genes!

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Oxford University researchers have discovered the densest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like partic...

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The leaders of the free world gather to discuss the problems of a struggling nation

The French start: "The Age of Enlightenment started here. We'll help spread progressive ideas."

The Germans follow: "We have a very stable economy, we'll help lower national debt."

The Japanese join in: "Our scientist are the best in the world. We pledge to help battle the spreading di...

A farmer and a scientist are on a walk together

A farmer and a scientist are walking down a trail together. The scientist asks the farmer, "What is the distance from earth to the moon?" The farmer says he doesnt know. The scientist says,"Then you have wasted half of your life.". The two of them continue their walk with the scientist asking the fa...

A New Strain Spreading Faster Than COVID

Scientists have discovered a powerful new strain of fact-resistant humans who are threatening the ability of Earth to sustain life, a sobering new study reports.

Scientists warn that a virulent strain of humans are virtually immune to any form of verifiable knowledge, leaving researchers at a...

NASA has been sending animals to space.

They started with a cow and a pig.
But the rocket failed at takeoff and ejected both animals.
The pig was disintegrated on the way back down the earth but the cow survived and landed safely on earth.
At the the press briefing reporters asked the NASA scientists how the cow survived and pig...

Did you hear about the mad scientist who created deer-plant hybrids?

Apparently he wanted to introduce some variety to the local fawna.

Scientists have recently discovered that 97% of the worlds population is kind of dumb.

Phew, thank god I'm part of the other 5%.

Apparently, scientists proved the existence of dark matter

Does that mean

Black Matter Lives?

Scientist: "My findings are meaningless if taken out of context."

Media: Scientist claims "Findings are meaningless."

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Three scientists are arguing about the meanest animal in the jungle

The first scientist says, "The meanest animal in the jungle is the the King of the Jungle himself, the lion. He wouldn't be the king if he wasn't the meanest bastard in there."

The second scientist says, "The lion may be king, but the meanest animal is actually the water buffalo. Even a lion ...

Scientists have developed a new type of diode that reverses it's flow after around 66 years...

They are calling it the Jenner Diode!

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God offered to prove his power to a scientist.

Scientist asked God to fill his basement with diamonds, and instantly god did. He wasn't convinced yet cuz an alien could have the tech to do that.

He asked god to create a new galaxy in less than 1 second, and god did, but still wasn't convinced.

He asked God to create another planet ...

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