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A scientist, a mathematician, and in idiot all die in a car wreck and go to Heaven.

"Unfortunately, since heaven is quite full at the moment, I am only going to allow one of you in," the Devil says. "Whoever can ask me a question that I cannot answer correctly will be admitted into heaven. The rest will go to hell."

So the scientist steps up and asks him, "What is the most c...

Scientists got bored of watching the earth spin for 24 hours.

So they called it a day.

What club do racist scientists join?

The Potassium Potassium Potassium.

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Isaac Newton died a virgin, which means I have a one up on one of history's greatest scientists

Because I'm not dead.

A scientist said to his friend:

I am going to freeze myself at -273 Celsius

His friend said: **BUT YOU’LL DIE!**

The scientist replied: I’ll be 0K

Scientists removed the right half of a man's brain...

...and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten."

Then they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine."

The scientists then removed both halves of...

Scientists have developed a vaccine against stupidity.

But anti-vaxxers won't get it.

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Scientists have discovered a new type of bees that make milk!

They have named them boobees

Scientists found out that the cause for the California earthquake was not a divine retribution but simply a banana peel.

Your mom slipped over it.

5 out of 6 scientists agree

Russian roulette is completely safe

A famous scientist was on his way to a lecture in yet another university when his driver offered an idea.

"Hey, boss, I've heard your speech so many times I bet I could deliver it and give you the night off." "Sounds great," the scientist said. When they got to the auditorium, the scientist put on the driver's hat and settled into the back row. The driver walked on the stage delivered the speech. Afterw...

Scientists have finally figured out what's at the bottom of the Mariana's Trench!

water.

What is a scientist's favorite type of gum?

ex-spearmint!

A scientist put a flux capacitor in his bicep...

I told him, “Weird flux, but okay.”

Scientists recently discovered something in the air that causes women to become pregnant -

Their legs

Scientists invent a new machine to ease the pain during childbirth

The machine transfers the pain a woman feels during labor to the father of the baby, at any percentage rate between 0 and 100%.

The first couple to test it is very excited, they connect the machine to the soon-to-be-mother and warn the husbands about the consequences. "Men are not used to fee...

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My boss just walked in with some scientists and yelled "Random drug test!"

I think he's taking the piss

Scientists found out

But then they went back in

An Italian scientist wants to see how far a frog can jump...

He finds himself a four-legged frog and tells the frog to jump.

The frog listens, and jumps a distance of four feet. He writes in his journal, "Frog with-a four feet jump-a four feet."

He decides to cut one of its legs off, and again tells the frog to jump. The frog listens, and jumps ...

A historian, a journalist, and a political scientist walk into a bar on January 23, 1993...

[Citation Needed]

Scientist: "My findings are meaningless if taken out of context."

Media: Scientist claims "Findings are meaningless."

A climate scientist and a climate-change denier walk into a bar

The climate-change denier goes to the bartender and asks for the strongest drink in the house.

The bartender takes out a bottle and says, "This is Absinthe, about 75% alcohol. Can I sell you a glass?"

The climate-change denier gets all upset and leaves the bar in a huff. The climate sc...

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In the year XXXX, two scientists discover how to time travel. One of them tries to test it.

After a few minutes, he returns and tells the other: ''Our ancestors had to deal with a lot of shit: they forced women to give birth to the seed of their own family members, they were treating rats as unnatural spawns of the devil sent for harming the children...''



The other one repl...

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Scientists have come up with a foolproof methodology of predicting when someone lies

There are 2 different approaches for each sexes.

For Males
OBSERVATIONS
1) the eyes deviate slightly to the left indicating the Male is accessing the creative part of the brain
2) heartrate elevates in an attempt to support the strain of the creative effort
3) pupils constrict s...

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Scientists recently discovered that narwhals and belugas can interbreed

I didn't think the narwhal could get any hornier.

Scientists transformed a tiger into a horse.

Don't worry, it's in a stable condition.

A scientist told me my climate change denial was wrong, citing the horrific brush fires we see wiping out swathes of vegetation all over the world.

I told him they were just plants.

Why can’t scientists reach absolute zero?

Because only a Sith deals with absolutes.

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Three scientists want to know how long can an organism live without shitting

They try to test it with a pig, so they put a plug in his butthole and start feeding him for days.

The first two weeks the pig is ok, but the third week the scientists see that the pig has become very very fat, so they decide to remove the plug from his ass.

The problem is they don't k...

In contrast to God, scientists must have a very low self esteem.

Whenever the result of an experiment differs from the prediction, they think it was their fault.

I was at a party and there was a big bowl of mixed alcohol and fruit juice, with a long line of brain surgeons, rocket scientists, and Nobel prize winners all queuing up to drink it...

...I thought what a great punch line.

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Scientists have identified a food that completely kills sex drive in women.

It's called "wedding cake."

Two scientists walk into a bar

The first scientist says “I’ll have some H2O”
He happily drinks the drink
The second scientist says “I’ll have some H20 too”
The bartender gives him a drink, and the second scientist soon dies

A scientist is asked by the government to create the first teleporter.

Knowing that this will be an incredibly hard task, the scientist devotes every day to the task, until they have created the teleporter.

First, the scientist discovers that titanium and sulfur, when combined create a metal that would make a great base and projector for the teleporter, so they ...

Two scientists walk into a bar

One says I’ll have “H2O”

The one on the right says “I’ll have H2O too”

The bartender says ok, and hands them their water.

30 seconds later and the scientist fall on the floor

“What happened “ a scientist says
“ oops I gave him H2O2”

I know it’s bad but my scien...

A few days ago, a team of 200 scientists released the first ever image of a cosmic body with a mass 7 billion times that of the sun's, also known as

yo mama lmao

Scientists discovered getting diarrhea is hereditary.

It runs in your genes.

Just one.

How many scientists does it take to build a time machine?

Scientists discovered that death is actually caused by moss buildup in veins, which stops the flow of blood.

This is why Keith Richards is still alive.

I made a group for rocket scientists once

It really took off

Why didn't the scientist install a door bell at his home?

Because he wanted a Nobel prize.

Two scientists entered a bar

One orders H^(2)O the other said "Il have H^(2)O^(2)" and dies.

What did the scientist tell his sister when she wouldn't sit still?

Stasis.

I bet a lot of money that scientists will be able to perfect human cloning soon.

If not, I won’t be able to live with myself.

Scientists have recently created a new plan to get rid of the large trash island in the ocean

They call it "Brexit".

Scientists modified bears DNA to make them more humanlike.

Unfortunately the result was unbearable.

What does a prison for mathematicians, scientists, and engineers and an unborn fetus have in common?

They're both full of STEM cells

What did the scientist say when he found 2 Isotopes of Helium?

HeHe

Scientists have a new theory on how the first laxative was discovered.

It was an accident.

Why did it take scientists so long to get a picture of a black hole?

If they wanted a picture of something devouring all life force around them, they could have just asked for a picture of my mother in law.

Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds

They’ve left no tern unstoned

A scientist and a philosopher are being chased by a hungry lion.

The scientist makes some quick calculations and says, “It's no good trying to outrun it. It's catching up!”


The philosopher keeps a little ahead and replies, “I'm not trying to outrun the lion, I'm trying to outrun you!”

A mathematician, a scientist, and an economist walk past a field of cows.

The mathematician says "Those cows are brown on this side."

The scientist says "Those are brown cows."

The economist wrinkles his brow, nods, and says "All cows are brown."

Billy the ant scientist.

Once there was a mad scientist named Billy obsessed with experimenting on ants. For the this he earned the nickname "Ant billy" Billy ant" or "that weird ant dude" or variations there of and was generally considered a laughingstock of the town.

Determined to not be such a goddamn failure anym...

Scientists recently dicovered a new dinosaur that was very intelligent

Its called Thesaurus

There was an old scientist who invented an anti-Alzheimer’s vaccine.

Unfortunately, he forgot the formula.

A new twist on an old joke.

Scientists recently did a study on the effects the right side and left side of a brain had on counting. They first took out the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10.

He says, "2, 4, 6, 8, 10".

They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking him to c...

A scientist decides to conduct an experiment on the anatomy of arachnids, so he takes a spider and puts it on his table.

“Walk!”, he yells, and the spider starts skittering away. The scientist writes the results down: “when a normal spider is told to walk, it walks.”

He then takes the spider and plucks one of its legs out. He then sets it on the table and yells the same thing,“walk!”

The spider starts wa...

What did American physicists say to the US government after German scientists discovered how to split atoms?

Don’t worry, theres other fission, DC.

Why don’t scientists trust atoms?

Because they make up everything.

I once met a mad scientist...

...I guess you could say he was experi-mental

Scientist "I went back in time and killed Hitler"

Other Scientist "Who?"

I’m a scientist who’s researching bestiality between humans and dogs…

If you'd like more details, I’ll be in my lab…

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Did you hear about the scientists that successfully cross bred a duck with a golden retriever?

The results were good, but she was a foul bitch.

Scientists have discovered that there is intelligent DNA inside of a lot of Women.

Unfortunately, most of them spit it out.

A local Scientist recieves an anonymous tip...

One day a local scientist named Steve was sent a mysterious email. The email read:

Steve I know who you are, and where you live. My name must remain anonymous, so as of now you may refer to me as "Somebody". Steve I contact you because my independent studies have discovered a massive earthqua...

Many top scientists are on the autism spectrum..

And that means that autism causes vaccines.

SCIENTISTS IN HEAVEN

All the scientists were playing hide nd seek. Einstein was the seeker. He counted till 10 nd then began searching. Meanwhile all the scientists were hiding Newton stood in a square of 1 metre. Einstein sees him nd calls his name to which Newton replies"I am standing in a square of 1meter so Newton/m...

There was a scientist who was frozen to absolute zero.

Don’t worry, he was 0K.

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Scientists Discover Food That Lowers Womens' Sex Drive By 90 Percent

'Wedding Cake'

Scientists now think cats originated on Mars. NASA was set to retrieve a specimen confirming this,

...but curiosity killed it.

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The year: 2029. A brilliant scientist is constructing the first sentient artificial intelligence.

He's working out of his garage in San Francisco, living on charitable donations from his worried friends. He dropped out of college when he realized he could change the world — there's no going back; his life is dedicated to this project. At first, he is met with failure upon failure. But then, he r...

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How did the scientist get a woman ready for sex?

Two test tickles.

Two scientists walk into a restaurant. The first one says, "I'll have an H2O."

The second one says, "I'll also have a glass of water. Why are you referring to it so strangely. We're not at work anymore."

The first scientist goes into the bathroom and cries. His assassination attempt has failed.

Why are all the good Genetic Scientists from NZ?

They've been mixing human and sheep DNA for centuries

What do you do when a scientist is sick?

If you can’t helium, you might as well barium!



I stole this from some dude on the discord, her username is Amalgamate_UnderplayChara. (On discord)

Famous last words between Two Scientists...

Let's try it this way.

A scientist and the Catholic Pope were eating lunch together while discussing the latest news in scientific discovery.

Scientist: Right now, my research team is working on trying to clone insects using gene-replicating techniques.

Pope: That is very interesting! How far have you come along with it?

Scientist: We have engineered the cloning process, now we are going to execute our next phase which is ex...

What does a scientist plant in his garden?

A chemis-tree.

An Indian scientist was collaborating with an American called Robert

Both of them being genetic researchers, they had reached a breakthrough in rice where a gene introduced would help it grow in the most adverse of conditions. They called it Victory gene, or V gene for short.

But Robert decided to steal the credit for himself, so he stole the v gene, and escap...

Scientists have grown human vocal cords in a Petri dish

The results speak for themselves.

One day , the scientists decided to play hide and seek. When the seeker started to count , everybody but Newton went hiding. Newton drew a square 1m each side right behind the seeker and stepped into it. The seeker found him immediately and declared "Newton, Newton". But Newton refused to lose.

He said: This square covered an area of 1m2. I'm a Newton on 1m2. So I'm Pascal.

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The Logical Scientist

Two Aussie builders (Keith & Ken) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.

Ken: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Keith: - No ...

Scientists have determined that it's impossible to change a female sheep into a male.

They'll never make a man out of ewe.

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A scientist named Nick asked his colleague about what was smelling here.

"Arsenic", he said.

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Two scientists walk into a bar

"I'll have an H2O."

"I'll have an H2O too."

The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position as well as pragmatic context.

A Russian Scientist Teaches frogs to Jump on Command

Altogether he has four frogs. He says, "Jump, froggies, jump."

Interestingly enough they all jump at the same time.

He cuts off their front right legs to see if they jump differently. Indeed, they do. They jump on his verbal command once again.

He keeps amputating their limbs on...

With the announcement of the first picture of a black hole, scientists have confirmed

once you go black you never do come back

I knew a scientist who was obsessed with figuring out to clone a person. One day he figured it out. He was so excited.

He was beside himself.

Did you hear scientists have proved that diarrhea is genetic?

Apparently it runs in your jeans.

What is a very moving gift that you can give to a scientist?

Joules

It was surprisingly easy to get a job at the zoo as a computer scientist

Probably because I am fluent in Python

A Scientist was doing a research test on frogs

He put it on the counter cut off a leg and yelled "JUMP FROG JUMP!" Then the frog jumped.

So he cut off another leg and yelled the same thing and the frog jumped.

So he cut off yet another leg and then again yelled"JUMP FROG JUMP!" and the frog jumped

So he cut off the final le...

Why is Newton the most alcoholic scientist ?

Because there are 10 N/cm² in a bar.

While we are sharing terrible time wasting pun jokes... this is the worst one I have ever heard

A friend of mine told me this one some years ago. It is the worst joke I have ever heard in my life.

A mad scientist, up on his secret sea-side mountaintop lair, is working on a life extension serum. He has nearly perfected it, and is about to begin testing it on dolphins.

Unfortun...

Scientists have discovered the only thing faster than the speed of light is...

...the speed at which someone will tell you they're a vegan.

Scientists identified intelligent DNA in a blonde.

The highest concentration was found in the stomach.

Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons.

They forgot to mention morons.

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As a scientist, I have been actively trying to develop a cure for beastiality, but I haven't had any luck. So if anyone needs me,

I'll be in my lab.

99.99% of scientists claim that the Earth is, in fact, round.

Anyways, I lost my job as a scientist today.

A group of scientists.

A group of scientists implant electronics on ants to try and control them. They start with a small batch of 5 ants. Each ant has a codename - they're called D1, D2, D3, D4 and D5.

Each ant is assigned a task and data is collected about its behaviour. Scientists observe that D1, D2, D3 and D4 ...

Did you know scientists claim that dolphins are second to man in intelligence?

That means woman just got pushed to 3rd place

Physicists are the only scientists that matter

But mathematicians are the only ones who count

Edit: First time on the front page of /r/Jokes!

Edit 2: #10!

Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person's walk...

And the result was staggering.

I must say that I completely support scientists working on discovering a real invisibility cloak.

I just want to make myself clear.

Scientists tested a frog.

They cut off its legs and said "jump!"

The frog didn't jump.

Scientists therefore concluded that when frogs lose their legs, they become deaf.

Scientists say that the Yellowstone super-volcano is overdue for an eruption.

Apparently the volcano has eruptile dysfunction.

A priest, scientist and rabbi are discussing when life begins.

The priest says the answer is obvious, it begins at conception as decreed by God.

The scientist says no it begins at birth as at that point it can live outside of it's mother.

The rabbi says you are both wrong. It starts when the dog dies and the kids move out.

A scientist, Mathematician, and statistictian all go out hunting....

They see a deer and this Scientist takes the first shot. He misses by 3 feet
The Mathematician takes a shot and misses again by 3 feet on the opposite side.
The Statistictian shouts "We hit it!"

For centuries, scientists said “Drake and Josh” couldn’t come to Hulu or Netflix

But they found a way, they found a way

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According to scientists, if you place your head on a strangers thigh

You will hear "What the fuck are you doing, get out, you pervert"

Scientists have discovered a way to make dolphins nearly invisible to the human eye.

I don’t really see the porpoise.

A renowned scientist is frustrated with the popularity of misinformation. In an interview, he tells the press “my research is meaningless if taken out of context!”

The next day, the public is taken by storm as headlines spread that “Renowned Scientist Claims That His Research is Meaningless!”

A research scientist studying porpoises discovers a way to make them live forever.

He discovered that a compound made by immature seagulls makes the porpoises stop aging, as long as they're fed them regularly. To protect his research he bought two lions to guard the lab.
One day he forgets to feed the lions before going out to collect the seagulls, so he's forced to call the p...

What kind of scientist loves LiFe?

One with Lithium and Iron.

It’s 1961, and a NASA scientist is sitting in his office when an intern bursts in

“Sir! Sir! The Russians...”

The scientist looks inquisitively at him. “Yes? What about them?”

The intern takes a moment to catch his breath and says, “The Russians have gone into space!”

The scientist jumps out of his chair. “ALL OF THEM?”

“No, just one.”

The scien...

What did the scientist say when he found two isotopes of helium?

HeHe...

Im making bad chemistry jokes coz all the good ones argon

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