Scientists have shown that an uncontrollable urge to start singing the Tokens hit single "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is always just a whim away.

A whim away a whim away...

I was kidnapped by mad scientist who experimented on me, replacing my limbs with animal ones.

If I ever see him again I'll tear him apart with my bear hands.

Two scientists walk into a bar

“I’ll have H20” says the 1st.

“I’ll have H20, too” says the 2nd.

The bartender doesn’t have a clue what they want because he flunked out of high school, and started working at a bar.

What do you do with a dead scientist?

Barium

Scientists are worried about a new variant of COVID that makes you sweat mayonnaise...

...but don't worry, they're confident they can contain the spread.

Scientists say Hydrostatic pressure from scuba diving is more harmful than previously known.

It just feels like something we all knew deep down.

Why do computer scientists always confuse Christmas and Halloween?

Its cause DEC 25 = OCT 31

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My scientist wife decided to test the hyphotesis that more sex would improve our marriage. It's only been a week, and I've already concluded...

...that I'm in the control group.

Scientists watched the earth revolve for 24 hours

They got bored and call it a day!!!


Not mine. Just passing on.

Marie Curie is my favorite scientist of all time.

She was absolutely radiant.

What did the duck say to the Mad Scientist?

It worked!

Where do nuclear scientists go on their holidays

They go Fission...

After many thousands of hours of research, a team of scientists at Loughborough University have finally managed to pinpoint the exact time of day a woman is likely to begin an argument.

Any.

A scientist tried to make gum out of eggs

It was an egg spearmint

Scientists found out...

...some were also found in!

Do you know in which country scientists have successfully crossed an otter and a human?

The otterman empire

Did you hear about that scientist that was researching bestiality?

If you need him, he'll be in his lab.

Scientists have successfully grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish...

...the results speak for themselves.

Some Irish scientists measured the size of the coronavirus variant.

It was one O'Micron.

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I knew a scientist who successfully cloned themselves for the sole purpose of having a sexual partner.

We were friends up to that point. I told him, "You do you."

How can you tell if a computer scientist is an extrovert?

They stare at your shoes instead of staring at their own

A white scientist is studying a tribe in Africa

A white scientist is studying an African tribe.

One day, the tribe leaders wife has a white son.

The tribe leader approaches the scientist soon after.

"Well, we both know what happened here. No one else could have done it. You slept with my wife, I have to kill you." The tribe l...

Scientists are working on new solar energy panels.

They want a material that absorbs and releases the most radiating heat. The consensus is car seats.

- Have you heard of a scientist who froze himself at -273°C?

— No, what happened to him?

— Don't worry, he is 0K

Scientists Play Hide-and-Seek

All the great scientists throughout history are brought together for a game of hide and seek. They draw straws and Einstein is "it" first. He starts counting back from 100 as all the other great minds run hither and thither looking to hide. Newton runs over to the bushes but Heisenberg is already ...

3 scientists a boat driver and a crocodile are in a dingy

A material scientist, a biologist, a physicist, and a boat driver are in dingy in the middle of a river with a crocodile in a cage.

The boat driver is nervous and is worried the crocodile might brake out of the cage and eat them all.

The material scientist says he doesn’t need to worry...

A scientist is doing experiments on an ant

He puts the ant on the table and says:
- Walk, ant, walk!
The ant walks to the other side of the table
The man writes in his notepad:
"The ant with 6 legs walks"

He then, proceeds to take one leg off the insect, and repeats the same process
- Walk, ant, walk!
The ant walks...

History's great scientists were invited to a party. Here are their responses.

Isaac Newton: "I'll drop in."

Socrates: "I'll think about it."

Georg Ohm: "I'm resisting the idea."

Robert Boyle: "I'm under too much pressure."

Charles Darwin: "I'll wait to see what evolves."

Pierre and Marie Curie: "We're radiating enthusiasm."

Alessandro...

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Did you know that scientists have named the core of Uranus?

It's called urectum

Breaking News: Brilliant scientists managed to find the last digit of pi.

They found it by writing the whole number on your mom's belly.

What do you call a not so smart scientist?

Bill Naive the science guy

A scientist is performing experiments on a frog

He starts by placing the frog at a starting line and shouts "Jump" after measuring how far the frog leapt he records in his journal "A frog with 4 legs jumps 6 feet"


He then cuts off one of the frogs legs, places it back at the starting line then once again shouts "Jump". After measuring...

Scientists just found a new element and it is the heaviest element known to humans!

They're naming it urmomium

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I just read a story about a German scientist who invented a prosthetic penis

Nobody thought he could pull it off

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What do you call a scientist who investigates early homo sapien societies but excuses their violent behaviour toward Neanderthals and other sub-species of archaic humans?

An anthro-apologist.

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:

"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give...

KFC has asked scientists to edit the chicken genome.

They want something CRISPR.

After years of research, scientists discovered bees are allergic to pollen

Turns out when exposed to pollen, bees develop hives

New Zealand scientists have discovered two new uses for sheep

Meat and wool.

Scientists now believe that the success of the Olympics depends almost entirely on the 100m dash.

They call it the critical race theory.

Scientists have determined that if you drink more water, you will live longer...

But the extra time is spent peeing.

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Scientists have discovered that some dinosaurs were homosexual in a recent discovery

Megasaurarse will be coming to a museum near you

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Scientists have discovered a food that reduces a woman’s sex drive:

Wedding cake

Interestingly enough, scientists have discovered a fascinating new species of frog, named the “Romulan Pond Frog” that has an amazing way of evading predators.

In the press release, scientists showed footage of the frogs using a special call that appeared to disorient predators, leaving them unable to precisely locate the frogs.

Scientists are calling this special call a "croaking device."

Scientists record the sound of two helium atoms laughing.

HeHe

Scientists say the world's largest organism is slowly being eaten

But I didn't see any bite marks on your mom

After a group of scientists invented a tasteless orally ingestible Covid vaccine they had a meeting to decide which products would be best to put it in to get to finally get to 100% coverage in America.

Ranch dressing will get 98% and Horse dewormer paste to cover the last 2%

Did you guys know that according to scientists, in October the mitochondria turns into the frightochondria

And becomes the haunted house of the cell

As a scientist, I received a lot of praise for figuring out a new method of getting drugs to enter cells more effectively and efficiently.

As a prisoner, I received another 2 years on my sentence.

Scientists have finally figured out what happened to all the water that used be Mars

Turns out, the planet was once occupied by Nestle

Scientists attached cameras to dogs, to learn more about their life.

Turns out: 10% of time - dog trying to get rid from camera and rest of time - it run away from scientists.

Why don’t scientists trust atoms?

Because they make up everything.

Radio Yerevan was asked: "Was comrade Lenin a scientist or a politician?"

Radio Yerevan answered: "Of course, a politician. If he were a scientist, he would've first tried his theories on dogs."

Scientists have declared that ants are immune to COVID-19....

They think its probably because they have.... anty bodies

How do scientists get rid of bodies?

Barium

A scientist recently said that the “perfect earthquake” was going to strike the West Coast soon.

The evidence to support his claim was shaky at best.

Scientists have found out that diarrhoea is hereditary

It runs in your jeans.

In continuing attempts to reduce the worlds CO2 emissions, top scientists have found a way to make cars run on Parsley...

A spokesperson for the group has stated that they are now doubling their efforts to make trains run on Thyme.

Scientists recently discovered that there's no such thing as gravity...

This planet just sucks.

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Two Polish Rocket Scientists Announce to the World They're Going to the Sun in a Spaceship

The entire world wide scientific community swiftly points out that the Sun is too hot for such a journey and they'd quickly burn up to which they replied very smugly: "Ah SEE! We've thought of this and have a plan!.....We're going at NIGHT!"

I do not mean to offend anyone and my apologies to ...

One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God.

So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.

The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost?"

G...

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Two scientists walk into a bar.

"I'll have H2O," says the first.
"I'll have H2O, too," says the second.

The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position, as well as pragmatic context.

A scientist was studying life extending properties through diet...

And realized he had the perfect formula for eternal life. He developed a special food formula which he fed to seagulls. Then he would feed their eggs to a pair of dolphins.

After 10 years on a diet of fortified seagull eggs, the dolphins hadn't aged a day. But there was one problem. Th...

What do you call a German scientist who runs out of beer glasses?

Nein Stein

Scientists have discovered a way to milk sheep.

Just release a new iphone every year.

NASA Scientists were eagerly waiting for the rover to send back the first sounds from Mars.

A program decades in the making, a feat of engineering never before accomplished. Not only did they include high resolution cameras for the landing, but incredibly robust microphones to capture the first sounds from an alien planet.

The team of people were huddled around a lab station for hou...

Scientists experimented on a guy and cooled his body down to absolute zero...

Don't worry, he's 0K

the tin can and the chalk stick

An engineer, a scientist and a mathematician are each sent in a room with nothing in it but a tin can and a chalk stick with the task to open the tin can in one hour.

The rooms are checked after one hour:

The engineer's room is covered in impact notches, with the successful one circled...

News: Scientists have finally discovered Dark Matter doesn't exist.

Instead, your mother's mass has been keeping our galaxy together, and prevented the stars in it from being sent out into the infinite universe.

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Scientists estimate that there are about 100 billion people that have ever lived.

This implies that humans have had sex at least 100 billion times. However, this is nothing compared to the amount of times I did ur mom last night.

Two scientists, Jim and Dave, walk into a bar...

... Jim asks for a H20.

Dave asks why he ordered it like that, and Jim says that they're scientists and so should present themselves as such.

Dave replies "whatever, I'll have a water too".

Jim watches the bartender get Dave's drink, angry that his assassination attempt failed.

Scientists are working on a vaccine for the Indian variant...

They’re calling it the Pun Jab.

What instrument do musically-inclined scientists play?

The Higgs-Bassoon.

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Two scientists going for a hike on a hill see a big pile of poop.

One of them said pointing "that poop is made by a male". The other one looks for few seconds at the poop, "nope, that's a female poop, no question about it".

They argue for a few minutes and seeing that they are getting nowhere they decide to ask a shepherd that was watching his sheep nearby...

I have the eyes of an artist, the mind of a scientist, the hands of a pianist, and the heart of a child.

Now I'm getting the electric chair after I was caught trying to get the liver of a politician.

Scientists have recently discovered that 3 out of 5 habitual marijuana users developed over productive saliva glands.

When asked if anything can be done, one leading scientist advised, "Yes, you can either spit, or get off the pot".

What do you call a mean old scientist and the grandson he treats badly?

Prick & Morty!

A great scientist invents a machine to split the pain of birth between a couple...

He finds a couple who just went into labour, and asks them if he can use the machine on them, as a test.

The couple agrees, and the husband says "We can split it 50 - 50, its only fair". So the scientist turns the machine up to 50%, just as the baby begins coming out, and the women starts gro...

Just watched a movie where a mad scientist rigs a DeLorean to time travel and he paints everything purple, it's called...

"Back to the Fuschia"

I came up with a great science joke, but the scientists didn't take it seriously enough to laugh at.

They told me it hadn't been peer reviewed.

Villager 1: Flee for your lives! The mad scientist in the castle turned a tiny lizard into a monster that's destroying everything in its path!

Villager 2: Meh, why bother. We're doomed from the gecko.

August 20, 2020: Scientists have discovered a "mystery object" in space. The object is equal to 2.6 solar masses.

March 1, 2021: (Update) Scientists have determined that the “mystery object” is made up of unmatched socks.

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A boy had been born with no arms, no legs, and no torso; just a head.

Needless to say, life was tough for the little fella. His parents; wonderful people; would take him everywhere. They would feed and care for him as best they could. They traveled the world looking for a doctor who could help their little boy in any way. But for many years, they got only regretful re...

WHO investigators wanted to talk to the Wuhan scientists.

When they arrived to Wuhan Institute of Virology CCP officials informed them that unfortunately all the scientists have died after eating poison mushrooms.



WHO investigators were suspicious so they demanded that they exhume the bodies of dead scientists and check if they really died ...

An artist, an engineer, and a scientist walk into a bar.

Thee barkeep says "What'll it be, Leonardo?"

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Scientists claim its impossible to fold a piece of paper 8 times.

They have obviously never seen me wiping my ass when there is only one sheet of toilet paper left.

Scientist: "My findings are meaningless if taken out of context."

Media: Scientist claims "Findings are meaningless."

Scientists have discovered the most important sentence to learn first in ANY language.

My friend will pay.

Did you hear about the new variant they’ve discovered in France?

Scientists have called it O-Macron.

A scientist is researching how far frogs can jump

He places the frog on the table and says "Frog, jump!" And the frog jumps a full 18 feet. He write 18ft in his notes. The scientist cuts off one of the frogs legs and says "Frog, jump!" And the frog jumps 14 feet. He scribbles 14ft in his notes. He cuts off a second leg, says "Frog, jump!" - the fro...

What do you call a scientist who works with bacteria?

A man of culture.

What do you call a scientist who splits atoms to create bubbly beverages?

A nuclear fizzicist.

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A scientist sat beside a little girl on a plane. He wanted to start a conversation.

He said: » I hear flights shorten if you talk with other passangers…«

The little girl replied: »OK, what do you want to talk about?«

The scientist was being a bit sarcastic: »Why don't we talk about nuclear physics?«

The girl said: »Can I ask you somethig first? A goat, a cow an...

Q. How do you reprimand a lazy scientist working in a cryogenetics lab?

A. "Your contribution in this project is absolute zero"

How the Intercontinental Ballistic Missile Came To Be

One night the great rocket scientist Werhner Von Braun was walking home in a nasty, freezing show storm, when nature called upon him quite suddenly.

After doing his business he stood up and looked down upon the result, at which he was heard to remark "Good heavens, that's one icy BM..."

Why do scientists don't have doorbells in their house?

Because they want to win no-bell prize¡

Scientists removed the right half of a man's brain...

...and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten."

Then they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine."

The scientists then removed both halves of...

Two scientists are playing Minecraft.

Two scientists are playing Minecraft. One is new to the game and doesn’t know much about it. At some point, he crafts a pickaxe, but doesn’t know what to do with it, so he asks the more experienced scientist.

Scientist 1: Bro, what should I do with this pickaxe that I crafted?

Scie...

How do great scientists like to eat their peppers?

All fried. No bell.

A white baby was born in a black tribe from the jungle

The news travelled fast around the tribe and soon after, the confusion led to anger. Upon his return from the jungle, the white British zoologist who was living with the tribe for the past 3 years, was quickly apprehended and brought to the tribe's chief to be urgently judged.

At first, the t...

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Two scientists naming periplaneta americana

Sc 1 : so what should we nickname it?
Sc 2 : idk um..... penisinsect
Sc 1 : naah
Sc 2 : um so dickbug ?
Sc 1 : nope
Sc 2 : cockroach ?
Sc 1 : HELL YEAH!!!

*happy scientist noises in the background*

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In case of any apocalyptic scenarios, scientists want to store the DNA of millions of species of animals and plants in lava tubes of the moon

The DNA of any illicit substances will be kept in Uranus

What's the difference between a scientist and plumber?

The way they pronounce unionized

Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds…

They’ve left no tern unstoned…

How do scientists keep their breath fresh?

Experamints

A scientist gets pulled over.

The policeman says “Sir, you ran a red light.” The scientist said “I could’ve sworn it was green.” The policeman says “Understandable.” And gives the scientist a 111,075,071 mph speeding ticket.

Two scientists walk into a bar...

The first one says: "I'll have H2O, please!"

The second one says: "I'll have water too." And comments: "We aren't at work. You don't have to use those terms."

The first scientist angrily walks into the bathroom as his assassination attempt has failed

Flea Jump Test (repost)

A group of scientists decide to investigate how high a flea can jump in relationship to how many legs it has (6 legs to begin with).

They put the flea on a desk and said 'jump!' The flea jumped 6 feet in the air. The scientists noted: "the flea currently has 6 legs and jumped 6 feet."

...

Two scientist were exploring Chernobyl years after the incident.

They were shocked to find a man still living in the area seemingly unaffected by the radiation. They ask the man if he would return with them to conduct some tests to which he agreed.

They explained that as the man was probably highly irradiated, he would have to put on some protective clothi...

How often do scientists reference the Table of Elements?

Periodically.

A new brain cell is born in a man's skull

Scientists have long thought that the number of brain cells was fixed from childhood, but have now discovered that new brain cells can indeed appear even in adults.

So on this day, a new brain cell is born in a man's skull, and it finds itself in a gigantic dark and empty cave.

"\_ Is...

Scientists planned to verify if Schroedingers thought experiment prevails on Mars

but sadly Curiosity killed the cat, rendering the experiment futile.

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An Ohio scientist goes to Japan for a press conference as the main speaker.

However, he was not informed that the press conference wasn't in English. The translator was there, but there were many moments of laughter among the audience when he translated for the scientist. When he inquired, the translator did not give any reason.

After the press conference and coming ...

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I know of a zoophile scientist who is studying human-dog sexual relationships.

He's always in his lab

Two scientists walk into a bar.

The first man says “I’ll have H2O please.”

The bartender replies “Sure thing, and you?”

The second man says “I’ll have H2O aswell please.”

The bartender turns around and mutters to himself “Dammit, I’ll get him next time.”

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Thats a Bug

\*\*Scientist: Dick Bug\*\*


Other Scientist: no


\*\*Scientist: Penis Beetle\*\*


Other Scientist: no


\*\*Scientist: Cock Roach\*\*


Other Scientist: fine whatever

A brilliant scientist successfully creates a lifelike deer cyborg.

Dr. Holmes, after many years of biotechnological research, finally succeeded in his secret project, using funds diverted from his research grant. Because the project needed to be kept off the records, Dr. Holmes kept the deer at home.

The cyborg would grow and develop just as a normal fawn wo...

People say Elon Musk is a mad scientist. Do you think he relates to Dr. Jekyll?

Because I've always heard he benefited from having a part Hyde.

Scientists found out

but then went back inside again

Students at M.I.T. recently developed a new contender for the blackest material known to man...

Scientists attempted to demonstrate it in public, but it was immediately shot by the police.

Scientists have found that sunblock is actually 50% effective as birth control

Because it only blocks the sons

What did the radioactive isotope say to the scientist?

I.D.K.

Scientists confirmed today that anteaters are incapable of contracting Covid...

Apparently they're filled with anty-bodies

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A scientist is trying to invent

a bra that keeps women's breasts from bouncing when running and doesn’t show nipples when wet.

Don’t worry, we killed the idiot.

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How does a casual-catholic scientist collectively refer to Christmas and Easter church services?

Critical Mass.

{Ba-Dum-Tss}

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Two rocket scientists, Dave and Archie, are in the staff kitchen...

Dave is trying to get the toaster oven to work so he can toast their breakfast. Nothing seems to be working. He tried unplugging/replugging it. He tried cleaning it out.

After several minutes, a frustrated Archie finally speaks up.

"Figure it out, Dave!" he says. "It's not sex."

Scientists say, "Eat before you go into a grocery store, so you don't buy as much."

That does not work in a liquor store.

I never believed that scientists could clone humans...

...but once they proved me wrong, I was beside myself.

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Scientist walks into bar with an apple...

He sits down and the bartender says, "what's the apple for?" Scientist says "I made this apple taste like a screwdriver. Here, try it."
The bartender grabs it and takes a bite. "Woah! Tastes like vodka!"
"Turn it around," the scientist says. The bartender turns it around and takes another bite...

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A scientist, a mathematician, and in idiot all die in a car wreck and go to Heaven.

"Unfortunately, since heaven is quite full at the moment, I am only going to allow one of you in," the Devil says. "Whoever can ask me a question that I cannot answer correctly will be admitted into heaven. The rest will go to hell."

So the scientist steps up and asks him, "What is the most c...

I've once fooled an entire class filled with future Doctors, Lawyers, and scientists...

Of course they were all in Kindergarten so it wasn't hard

Did you hear about that fancy, new, lightweight mucus that scientists discovered?

It’s rather phlegm-buoyant!

A scientist built a robot but unbeknownst to him, the battery was damaged.

The only way to fix the battery was to sprinkle it with sodium chloride. Some chemical reaction with the combination of battery acid and sodium chloride caused the robot to act highly irrationally and attack the scientist, at which point the robot had to be detained by police.

The robot was c...

I once asked a scientist "how do you make a hormone?" He took a moment to think, and then replied "that's easy...

... Don't pay her."

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A NASA scientist, Argentinian, and Nazi walked into a bar

He was promptly kicked out.

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