Scientists removed the right half of a man's brain...

...and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten."

Then they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine."

The scientists then removed both halves of...

Scientists transformed a tiger into a horse.

Don't worry, it's in a stable condition.

Scientists got bored of watching the earth spin so after 24 hours

They called it a day

How does a scientist freshen his breath ?

He uses Experi-mints

Just one.

How many scientists does it take to build a time machine?

A few days ago, a team of 200 scientists released the first ever image of a cosmic body with a mass 7 billion times that of the sun's, also known as

yo mama lmao

What did American physicists say to the US government after German scientists discovered how to split atoms?

Don’t worry, theres other fission, DC.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Scientists have identified a food that completely kills sex drive in women.

It's called "wedding cake."

Why did it take scientists so long to get a picture of a black hole?

If they wanted a picture of something devouring all life force around them, they could have just asked for a picture of my mother in law.

Scientist: "My findings are meaningless if taken out of context."

Media: Scientist claims "Findings are meaningless."

I bet a lot of money that scientists will be able to perfect human cloning soon.

If not, I won’t be able to live with myself.

A scientist and a philosopher are being chased by a hungry lion.

The scientist makes some quick calculations and says, “It's no good trying to outrun it. It's catching up!”


The philosopher keeps a little ahead and replies, “I'm not trying to outrun the lion, I'm trying to outrun you!”

I once met a mad scientist...

...I guess you could say he was experi-mental

Famous last words between Two Scientists...

Let's try it this way.

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Did you hear about the scientists that successfully cross bred a duck with a golden retriever?

The results were good, but she was a foul bitch.

Two scientists walk into a bar

The first scientist says “I’ll have some H2O”
He happily drinks the drink
The second scientist says “I’ll have some H20 too”
The bartender gives him a drink, and the second scientist soon dies

Scientists modified bears DNA to make them more humanlike.

Unfortunately the result was unbearable.

There was an old scientist who invented an anti-Alzheimer’s vaccine.

Unfortunately, he forgot the formula.

SCIENTISTS IN HEAVEN

All the scientists were playing hide nd seek. Einstein was the seeker. He counted till 10 nd then began searching. Meanwhile all the scientists were hiding Newton stood in a square of 1 metre. Einstein sees him nd calls his name to which Newton replies"I am standing in a square of 1meter so Newton/m...

Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds

They’ve left no tern unstoned

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A scientist invented a machine that turns aged wine into fresh wine that hasn't aged at all.

"Eureka! I've finally made it, the machine to turn old wine into new wine!" says the scientist.

"We'll see if your invention is worth giving notice." says his colleague.

And so he tested it out for the last time. He went to the wine cellar in the basement and took some of the oldest wi...

With the announcement of the first picture of a black hole, scientists have confirmed

once you go black you never do come back

Scientists have discovered that there is intelligent DNA inside of a lot of Women.

Unfortunately, most of them spit it out.

A local Scientist recieves an anonymous tip...

One day a local scientist named Steve was sent a mysterious email. The email read:

Steve I know who you are, and where you live. My name must remain anonymous, so as of now you may refer to me as "Somebody". Steve I contact you because my independent studies have discovered a massive earthqua...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Scientists Discover Food That Lowers Womens' Sex Drive By 90 Percent

'Wedding Cake'

Why are all the good Genetic Scientists from NZ?

They've been mixing human and sheep DNA for centuries

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How did the scientist get a woman ready for sex?

Two test tickles.

Scientists have discovered that there is not enough Iron dissolved in the ocean...

I guess the earth has an iron-deficient-sea!

What does a scientist plant in his garden?

A chemis-tree.

Scientists have invented a new kind of elastic made out of stone.

I'm sure this rock band is going to make it big!

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The Logical Scientist

Two Aussie builders (Keith & Ken) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.

Ken: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Keith: - No ...

Many top scientists are on the autism spectrum..

And that means that autism causes vaccines.

There was a scientist who was frozen to absolute zero.

Don’t worry, he was 0K.

Scientists now think cats originated on Mars. NASA was set to retrieve a specimen confirming this,

...but curiosity killed it.

Scientists have determined that it's impossible to change a female sheep into a male.

They'll never make a man out of ewe.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A scientist named Nick asked his colleague about what was smelling here.

"Arsenic", he said.

Scientists have a grown a pair of vocal cords in a laboratory.....

The results speak for themselves..

What do you do when a scientist is sick?

If you can’t helium, you might as well barium!



I stole this from some dude on the discord, her username is Amalgamate_UnderplayChara. (On discord)

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The year: 2029. A brilliant scientist is constructing the first sentient artificial intelligence.

He's working out of his garage in San Francisco, living on charitable donations from his worried friends. He dropped out of college when he realized he could change the world — there's no going back; his life is dedicated to this project. At first, he is met with failure upon failure. But then, he r...

Scientist "I went back in time and killed Hitler"

Other Scientist "Who?"

One day , the scientists decided to play hide and seek. When the seeker started to count , everybody but Newton went hiding. Newton drew a square 1m each side right behind the seeker and stepped into it. The seeker found him immediately and declared "Newton, Newton". But Newton refused to lose.

He said: This square covered an area of 1m2. I'm a Newton on 1m2. So I'm Pascal.

What is a very moving gift that you can give to a scientist?

Joules

why don't scientists trust atoms?

Because they make up everything

A Scientist was doing a research test on frogs

He put it on the counter cut off a leg and yelled "JUMP FROG JUMP!" Then the frog jumped.

So he cut off another leg and yelled the same thing and the frog jumped.

So he cut off yet another leg and then again yelled"JUMP FROG JUMP!" and the frog jumped

So he cut off the final le...

A scientist and the Catholic Pope were eating lunch together while discussing the latest news in scientific discovery.

Scientist: Right now, my research team is working on trying to clone insects using gene-replicating techniques.

Pope: That is very interesting! How far have you come along with it?

Scientist: We have engineered the cloning process, now we are going to execute our next phase which is ex...

An Indian scientist was collaborating with an American called Robert

Both of them being genetic researchers, they had reached a breakthrough in rice where a gene introduced would help it grow in the most adverse of conditions. They called it Victory gene, or V gene for short.

But Robert decided to steal the credit for himself, so he stole the v gene, and escap...

It was surprisingly easy to get a job at the zoo as a computer scientist

Probably because I am fluent in Python

Scientists identified intelligent DNA in a blonde.

The highest concentration was found in the stomach.

Did you hear scientists have proved that diarrhea is genetic?

Apparently it runs in your jeans.

A Russian Scientist Teaches frogs to Jump on Command

Altogether he has four frogs. He says, "Jump, froggies, jump."

Interestingly enough they all jump at the same time.

He cuts off their front right legs to see if they jump differently. Indeed, they do. They jump on his verbal command once again.

He keeps amputating their limbs on...

I knew a scientist who was obsessed with figuring out to clone a person. One day he figured it out. He was so excited.

He was beside himself.

What did the scientist say when he found two helium atoms?

HeHe

A new twist on an old joke.

Scientists recently did a study on the effects the right side and left side of a brain had on counting. They first took out the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10.

He says, "2, 4, 6, 8, 10".

They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking him to c...

99.99% of scientists claim that the Earth is, in fact, round.

Anyways, I lost my job as a scientist today.

Why is Newton the most alcoholic scientist ?

Because there are 10 N/cm² in a bar.

A scientist, Mathematician, and statistictian all go out hunting....

They see a deer and this Scientist takes the first shot. He misses by 3 feet
The Mathematician takes a shot and misses again by 3 feet on the opposite side.
The Statistictian shouts "We hit it!"

Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons.

They forgot to mention morons.

I’m a scientist who’s researching bestiality between humans and dogs…

If you'd like more details, I’ll be in my lab…

Scientists say that the Yellowstone super-volcano is overdue for an eruption.

Apparently the volcano has eruptile dysfunction.

A priest, scientist and rabbi are discussing when life begins.

The priest says the answer is obvious, it begins at conception as decreed by God.

The scientist says no it begins at birth as at that point it can live outside of it's mother.

The rabbi says you are both wrong. It starts when the dog dies and the kids move out.

Did you know scientists claim that dolphins are second to man in intelligence?

That means woman just got pushed to 3rd place

I must say that I completely support scientists working on discovering a real invisibility cloak.

I just want to make myself clear.

A renowned scientist is frustrated with the popularity of misinformation. In an interview, he tells the press “my research is meaningless if taken out of context!”

The next day, the public is taken by storm as headlines spread that “Renowned Scientist Claims That His Research is Meaningless!”

Two scientists walk into a restaurant. The first one says, "I'll have an H2O."

The second one says, "I'll also have a glass of water. Why are you referring to it so strangely. We're not at work anymore."

The first scientist goes into the bathroom and cries. His assassination attempt has failed.

For centuries, scientists said “Drake and Josh” couldn’t come to Hulu or Netflix

But they found a way, they found a way

Scientists have discovered a way to make dolphins nearly invisible to the human eye.

I don’t really see the porpoise.

A group of scientists.

A group of scientists implant electronics on ants to try and control them. They start with a small batch of 5 ants. Each ant has a codename - they're called D1, D2, D3, D4 and D5.

Each ant is assigned a task and data is collected about its behaviour. Scientists observe that D1, D2, D3 and D4 ...

While we are sharing terrible time wasting pun jokes... this is the worst one I have ever heard

A friend of mine told me this one some years ago. It is the worst joke I have ever heard in my life.

A mad scientist, up on his secret sea-side mountaintop lair, is working on a life extension serum. He has nearly perfected it, and is about to begin testing it on dolphins.

Unfortun...

What kind of scientist loves LiFe?

One with Lithium and Iron.

Scientists have discovered water and ice on moon.

Now all we need is some quality liquor and we are set.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

As a scientist, I have been actively trying to develop a cure for beastiality, but I haven't had any luck. So if anyone needs me,

I'll be in my lab.

It’s 1961, and a NASA scientist is sitting in his office when an intern bursts in

“Sir! Sir! The Russians...”

The scientist looks inquisitively at him. “Yes? What about them?”

The intern takes a moment to catch his breath and says, “The Russians have gone into space!”

The scientist jumps out of his chair. “ALL OF THEM?”

“No, just one.”

The scien...

A research scientist studying porpoises discovers a way to make them live forever.

He discovered that a compound made by immature seagulls makes the porpoises stop aging, as long as they're fed them regularly. To protect his research he bought two lions to guard the lab.
One day he forgets to feed the lions before going out to collect the seagulls, so he's forced to call the p...

I asked a scientist what would happen if my body temperature hit absolute zero.

He said I'd be 0K

Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person's walk...

And the result was staggering.

Why did the scientists clone Chance the Rapper?

Because people deserve a second Chance.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two scientists walk into a bar

"I'll have an H2O."

"I'll have an H2O too."

The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position as well as pragmatic context.

What does a scientist say about something that doesn’t exist?

It doesn’t matter.

Two Scientists walk into a bar

Bartender comes around

The bartender: What will you be having?

Scientist 1: I’ll have some H20

The bartender hands him a glass of water

The bartender: And you?

Scientist 2: I’ll have some H20 also

Scientist 2’s arch nemesis disguised as the bartender: -Snaps...

Physicists are the only scientists that matter

But mathematicians are the only ones who count

Edit: First time on the front page of /r/Jokes!

Edit 2: #10!

A Soviet scientist is experimenting on a frog.

A few years after the end of WWII, a Soviet scientist is doing some experimentation on a frog. He had previously taught it to jump, if he hears the word "jump".

​

The scientist says "jump!" to the frog, who jumps. Then the scientist cuts of one leg, then he says jump again,...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

According to scientists, if you place your head on a strangers thigh

You will hear "What the fuck are you doing, get out, you pervert"

What do you call someone who is bigoted against scientists and engineers?

Anti-STEMitic

Scientists tested a frog.

They cut off its legs and said "jump!"

The frog didn't jump.

Scientists therefore concluded that when frogs lose their legs, they become deaf.

A chicken farmer is having a problem with the number of eggs the chickens are laying. They hires 3 scientists to help them figure it out, a Biologist, A Chemist, and a Physicist.

The Biologist runs some tests and tells the farmer that the hormone levels are off and a better living condition might help.
The Chemist does some tests and tells the farmer that the feed doesn't contain enough calcium for the birds to produce eggs and suggests changing to a calcium rich diet wou...

Scientists have confirmed it only takes 3 1/4 inches to please a woman.

It's true! Just go measure your mastercard.

Scientists discovered that Islam is the true religion after all

The universe began with a big explosion

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Builder meets a logical scientist

Two builders go into the pub after a hard day's work. They're sat drinking for a while when a very smartly dressed man walks in and orders a drink. The two began to speculate about what the man did for a living.

"I'll bet he's an accountant." said the first builder.

"Looks more like a ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Scientist, Mathematician, and an Idiot are in a car. Crashing into a tree, all three die. They are sent to purgatory, where the Devil is waiting.

(Of course, the idiot was driving)

"Unfortunately, since heaven is quite full at the moment, I am only going to allow one of you in," the Devil says. "Whoever can ask me a question that I cannot answer correctly will be admitted into heaven. The rest will go to hell."

So the scientist ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A cop sees a scientist being brought in and booked.

The cop asks his partner, "Hey, what's that guy in for?"

The partner says, "Blowing bubbles in his backyard."

The cop goes, "What's wrong with that?"

The partner goes, "He made Blossom and Buttercup watch."

A scientist friend of mine tried to convince me that Ironman could actually be a woman.

He broke it down for me like this. Fe Male.

What did the scientist say when he found two isotopes of helium?

HeHe...

Im making bad chemistry jokes coz all the good ones argon

Scientists have discovered why flamingos stand on one leg

Because if they lifted the other one as well, they'd fall.

A scientist is at a panel, discussing the results of his latest study.

He mentions, "You know, without the right context, my findings are absolutely meaningless."

Later on the news...

"On the headlines today, a world-renowned scientist has claimed his findings are absolutely meaningless."

Scientist have discovered that diarrhea is hereditary.

Turns out it runs in the jeans.

I heard that scientists are meeting to redefine units of measure.

I'm kind of afraid that if we give them an inch they'll take a mile.

It seems like every week there's another headline about scientists finding a promising treatment that cures cancer in mice.

If these guys worked on curing cancer in humans instead we'd probably have it licked by now.

You know what the scientists always say to build up resistance to distractions and channel nature

Ohmmmmmmmmmmmm

Why do scientists have cameras in the toilet?

They wanna see their pee HD.

What do you do with atomic scientists when they die

Barium

5 out of 6 scientists say…

…that Russian roulette is safe.

A scientist was experimenting on a flea.

He put the flea on the table told him to jump and the flea jumped. Then he took him and cut of his legs and told him to jump again but the flea didn't move.

After seeing this the scientist concluded in his notes "After you cut a fleas legs he can't hear anymore."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Breaking: Evangelical Christian scientists have devised "a cure for homosexuality"!

One problem: It's a repeat-application suppository

Scientists have discovered the best way to cure laziness.

Unfortunately nobody has bothered to read the article.

Don't ask a busy scientist what was before the big bang.

They'll just say there's no time.

Scientist: let’s name this spider long legs, for its long legs.

Scientist 2: hmmmm not kinky enough.

Almost all scientists agree that people get their pants from monkeys and what's even worse

is that they also say that our jeans are responsible for the vast majority of our physical appearance!

A Physicist, an Engineer, and a Political Scientist are stranded on a deserted island

A Physicist, an Engineer, and a Political Scientist are stranded on a deserted island and are all very hungry. They are delighted to find a large can of beans that has been washed up on the beach. Having no way to open the can they try to find a way to the beans. The physicist states that if he puts...

A group of scientists conducted an interesting experiment on frogs.

They wanted to see how cutting off the legs of frogs would affect them.

In one of the experiments, a scientist told the frog to jump. It didn't.

The scientists concluded that cutting off the legs of frogs would make them deaf.