UPJOKE
sciencephysicistpsychologistbiologistchemistmathematiciangeologistresearcherengineerlinguistpaleontologistinvestigatoroceanographerphilosopherresearch

A white scientist is studying a tribe in Africa

A white scientist is studying an African tribe.

One day, the tribe leaders wife has a white son.

The tribe leader approaches the scientist soon after.

"Well, we both know what happened here. No one else could have done it. You slept with my wife, I have to kill you." The tribe l...

Scientist: "My findings are meaningless if taken out of context."

Media: Scientist claims "Findings are meaningless."

Scientists have discovered a way to milk sheep.

Just release a new iphone every year.

Muslim scientists..

Muslim scientists have invented a time-travel device that can transport an entire country back to the dark ages.

They’re calling it ‘Islam’.

Hello everyone! I'm a scientist and I am researching bestiality between humans and dogs.

I will be in my Lab if you need me.

On the way to a conference, a revered scientist is talking to his chauffeur

The driver asks him:

"–Boss, I've driven you around the country for over 10 years. I've listened to your talks, hundreds of times. I am pretty sure I know everything by heart now. Would you like to make a bet?

—What kind of bet?

—We look alike. You've never talked in this city. ...

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Two scientists walk into a bar.

"I'll have H2O," says the first.

"I'll have H2O, too," says the second.

The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position, as well as pragmatic context.

Two scientists walk into a bar.

The first one says, "I'll have H2O."

The second one says, "I'd also like water. Wait, why did you call it H2O? We're not at work anymore."

The first scientist goes to the bathroom and cries. His assassination attempt has failed.

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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 95%.

It's called a Wedding Cake.

Husband: "Scientists have found that men say about 10,000 words a day, while women say about 20,000..."

Wife (shouts from the kitchen): "It's because we have to repeat everything twice to you blockheads!"

Husband: "What?"

It’s 1961. A Nasa scientist and a soviet scientist have a meeting..

…Nasa scientist:“Well now that we are alone we can speak german to each other.

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I just read a story about a German scientist who invented a prosthetic penis

Nobody thought he could pull it off

Scientists removed the right half of a man's brain...

...and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten."

Then they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine."

The scientists then removed both halves of...

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Two scientists walk into a bar.

The barmen recieves them and asks for their order.

"Well, I'll have a glass of H2O", says the first scientist, giggling to his friend.

"Oh, then I'll have H20, too", says the other scientist, giggling at their inside joke.

The barmen brings their drinks, and they slowly starts s...

One day, Einstein has to give a conference to all the top scientists in the world...

One day, Einstein has to give a conference to all the top scientists in the world.

On the way there, he tells his driver, that looks a bit like him, "I'm sick of all these conferences, I always say the same things over and over!"

The drivers agrees, "You're right, as your driver, I at...

I was kidnapped by mad scientist who experimented on me, replacing my limbs with animal ones.

If I ever see him again I'll tear him apart with my bear hands.

A scientist discovers the cure for aging

In the near future, a scientist makes the revolutionary discovery of a cure for aging. Filled with enthusiasm, he is immediately prompted to the political leaders of his country.

'This is truly amazing, Dr Smith! But before we can finally authorize the distribution of your medicine to the gen...

What's the difference between a scientist and plumber?

The way they pronounce unionized

What did the scientist say when he found two isotopes of helium?

HeHe...

Im making bad chemistry jokes coz all the good ones argon

Yesterday, scientists discovered a species of lizard whose sperm is invisible.

They never saw it coming.

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Thats a Bug

\*\*Scientist: Dick Bug\*\*


Other Scientist: no


\*\*Scientist: Penis Beetle\*\*


Other Scientist: no


\*\*Scientist: Cock Roach\*\*


Other Scientist: fine whatever

KFC has asked scientists to edit the chicken genome.

They want something CRISPR.

Why do computer scientists always confuse Christmas and Halloween?

Its cause DEC 25 = OCT 31

Two scientists walk into a bar

“I’ll have H20” says the 1st.

“I’ll have H20, too” says the 2nd.

The bartender doesn’t have a clue what they want because he flunked out of high school, and started working at a bar.

Two scientists were walking around in Russia during winter

Scientist one: It's really cold outside, how many degrees?

Scientist two: it's -40°

Scientist one: Celsius or Fahrenheit?

Scientist two: Yes.

The wage gap isn't real.

Men simply focus on getting the higher paying jobs like scientist, doctor, engineer. Meanwhile, women tend to go towards the lower paying jobs, like female scientist, female doctor and female engineer.

How can you tell the difference between an influencer and a computer scientist?

By checking how they pronounce the word “bios”

Scientists got so bored of watching the Earth spin that after 24 hours

They called it a day.

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A group of scientists once conducted an experiment on cockroaches.

They asked a cockroach to run and it ran. Then they removed a leg and asked it to run and it did but with much less efficiency. Then they removed another leg and asked it to run and it did it with even lesser efficiency. When they cut another one, the cockroach could barely move but it tried nonethe...

What do you do to a dead scientist?

Ba

5 out of 6 scientists say…

…that Russian roulette is safe.

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Did you hear about the scientist who attempted to clone himself for his own sexual pleasure?

He had done great strides towards his goal over the years. But after the most recent attempt, he finally topped himself.

Scientists have finally figured out what happened to all the water that used be Mars

Turns out, the planet was once occupied by Nestle

Two scientists walk into a bar.

The first man says “I’ll have H2O please.”

The bartender replies “Sure thing, and you?”

The second man says “I’ll have H2O aswell please.”

The bartender turns around and mutters to himself “Dammit, I’ll get him next time.”

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Scientist walks into bar with an apple...

He sits down and the bartender says, "what's the apple for?" Scientist says "I made this apple taste like a screwdriver. Here, try it."
The bartender grabs it and takes a bite. "Woah! Tastes like vodka!"
"Turn it around," the scientist says. The bartender turns it around and takes another bite...

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My scientist wife decided to test the hyphotesis that more sex would improve our marriage. It's only been a week, and I've already concluded...

...that I'm in the control group.

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This is the worst joke I know. "A mad scientist is developing an immortality serum..."

"...and so far it works perfectly in cell culture, in worms, in mice and rats, and in racoons. Next step is testing it in dolphins. As she's reaching for the syringes for her test subjects, she notices that she's run out of serum and has to prepare a new batch. The primary ingredient is a chemi...

A scientist walks into an AA meeting. “I’ve just invented a cure for alcoholism! Take one of these pills and you’ll never be a problem drinker again!”

An attendee replies: “What happens if you take two?”

A dumb scientist is experimenting on a fly...

He pulls one leg off and says 'Fly, walk'. The fly walks.

He pulls the second leg off and says 'Fly, walk'. Again, the fly walks.

He continues until he gets to the last leg. Pulling it off, he says 'Fly, walk'. The fly does not walk. He repeats the command, but the fly does not shift ...

Two scientists are working together

Both have different projects to work on.

1st scientist saw 1 unknown chemical. Curiously, he asked,"Bro, what and whose chemical is this?"

2nd scientist replied, "Bromine"

A scientist recently said that the “perfect earthquake” was going to strike the West Coast soon.

The evidence to support his claim was shaky at best.

BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered an amazing fact about icebergs...

More below.

A scientist is trying to prove that all blonds are stupid

so he holds an all blond convention and randomly picks someone from the crowd. First he asks her what two plus two is. She answers seven, and the crowd yells, "Give her another chance!". So this time he asks her what ten minus four is. She answers thirteen, and the crowd yells, "Give her another ...

Two scientists are playing Minecraft.

Two scientists are playing Minecraft. One is new to the game and doesn’t know much about it. At some point, he crafts a pickaxe, but doesn’t know what to do with it, so he asks the more experienced scientist.

Scientist 1: Bro, what should I do with this pickaxe that I crafted?

Scie...

Did you hear about the agnostic scientist who had twins?

She had one of them baptised, the other one is the control.

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How do scientists measure a person's sex drive?

In kilometers in Europe, and miles in America!

Two scientists walk into 5 bar

Both die soon after.

Scientists finally found out, how much sleep humans exactly need:

just five more minutes

A scientist announced he managed to cool something down to absolute zero.

It was 0K.

God VS scientists

So a group of scientists get together and discuss what they can do and decide to talk to God about it.

'God' they say 'We've decided we don't want you around anymore. We can now do everything you can do'

God thinks for a bit and says 'tell you what. I'll bet you I can do something you...

What do you call a nuclear scientist with a bad lisp?

An unclear scientist.

A scientist finds a crashed alien spaceship

An alien is still alive and the scientist helps him fix the spaceship so the alien can go back home.

As a sign of gratitude, the alien tells the scientist that he will answer him a single question, whatever it is or however it's formulated. As the alien was about to take off, the scientist f...

"Why are scientists calling Pluto a dwarf planet?"

"Oh I think it is pretty self-explanetory."

Scientists discovered a revolutionary material with infinite length and zero depth

... but then they realized No Man's Sky was invented already.

Scientists finally located the gene that causes shyness

It was hiding behind two other genes.

A car with 3 engineers and 1 computer scientist stalls on the freeway...

The mechanical engineer says: "lets check the carborator, it's probably the carborator"
The chemical engineer says: "its most likely the gas line, lets check that"
The electrical engineer says: "no, it has to be the car's circuts"
The computer scientist thinks for a minute and says: "lets ...

The scientist asks, "Hey, why so blue?"

The litmus paper answers, "I just came from a date with a pretty basic solution.”

TIL: Scientists have discovered that tuna ages about five times quicker than humans.

That’s because..tuna half hours equal 150 minutes.

Scientists have finally managed to grow human vocal cords in a test tube

The results speak for themselves

Scientists, as an experiment, take two groups of people.

The first is a hundred men and one woman, the second, a hundred women and one man. Each group is put on an uninhabited island, and left alone.

A month later, the scientists check how the societies developed.

Island one:

The woman is sitting on a throne, proud as a queen. The men...

Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds…

They’ve left no tern unstoned…

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Wife calls her scientist husband...

"Honey.. Its Saturday.. you're late..."

"I'm busy with my team in an experiment"

"Whats that?"

"We've just added a derivative of C2H5OH with ambiant temperature H2O and aqueous CO2. To cool this mixture added some super low temperature, solidified H2O, now while waiting for som...

There was a scientist one time, and he went to talk to God

and he says, "God, we can now clone humans, make life, and take care of ourselves and we don't need you anymore."

God laughed and said: "You think? So show me, how you can make humans and life!"

The scientist agreed, reached down, grabbed a full hand of soil to start making his human...

A behavioral scientist confronts her lab's receptionist:

'For the last time, I'm analyzing simulated populations. Not "playing with my imaginary friends"!'

(Shamelessly plagiarized from New Scientist)

A Scientist and his Frog

In order to learn more about the jumping ability of frogs, a scientist trained his frog to jump on command.

On day 1, he told the frog, "Jump, frog. Jump!" And, the frog jumped. The scientist wrote in his journal: "Frog successfully taught to jump."

On day 2, the scientist amputated ...

A scientist took a selfie while he was drinking liquid nitrogen

He was quoted as saying "It was the coolest shot I ever took"

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Scientists say

Scientists say that regular masturbation can help fight off the common cold.

That's great news because I've run out of tissues.

A scientist was walking on the street during hot summer day.

"Damn, it's hot" he complained.

"Tell me about it" said the Sun above.

Scientist was surprised.

"Wow! Sound propagation through space!"

A computer scientist was once offered the opportunity to feed a shark.

He turned it down, because he did not want to RISC losing his ARM.

Why don't scientists trust atoms?

Because they make up everything!

>!sorry for the mandatory Cake day dad Joke!<

What do scientists bring to parties?

Sodium, Carbon, Helium, Oxygen, and Sulfur!

A great scientist invents a machine to split the pain of birth between a couple...

He finds a couple who just went into labour, and asks them if he can use the machine on them, as a test.

The couple agrees, and the husband says "We can split it 50 - 50, its only fair". So the scientist turns the machine up to 50%, just as the baby begins coming out, and the women starts gro...

Why Don't Scientists Trust Atoms?

Because they make up everything.

What do you call a scientist who works with bacteria?

A man of culture.

The last sentence spoken before the end of the universe was by a scientist

it was something like: "*let's try this and see how it goes!*"

Scientists Play Hide-and-Seek

All the great scientists throughout history are brought together for a game of hide and seek. They draw straws and Einstein is "it" first. He starts counting back from 100 as all the other great minds run hither and thither looking to hide. Newton runs over to the bushes but Heisenberg is already ...

A scientist is doing experiments on an ant

He puts the ant on the table and says:
- Walk, ant, walk!
The ant walks to the other side of the table
The man writes in his notepad:
"The ant with 6 legs walks"

He then, proceeds to take one leg off the insect, and repeats the same process
- Walk, ant, walk!
The ant walks...

A scientist and a religious man were debating the evolution theory

(English is my second language here but I will try to do my best, it is probably funnier in my language- A rephrase is welcomed!)

A scientist and a religious man were debating the evolution theory. The religious man was trying to convince the scientist that facts are more clearer than the sci...

Scientists studying frogs

Two scientists are studying how far frogs can jump. Their first step was to teach a frog to jump on command. This completed, they yelled jump, and the frog jumped 8 meters. Considering what effect each leg had, they then amputated one leg and yelled jump again. The frog jumped 6 meters. After notin...

Why was the skinny scientist so excited?

>!He just won the no belly prize!<

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A scientist, a mathematician, and in idiot all die in a car wreck and go to Heaven.

"Unfortunately, since heaven is quite full at the moment, I am only going to allow one of you in," the Devil says. "Whoever can ask me a question that I cannot answer correctly will be admitted into heaven. The rest will go to hell."

So the scientist steps up and asks him, "What is the most c...

Gustavo was a mad scientist

Gustavo, called “Gus” by his friends and nemeses, was a mad scientist with very peculiar tastes. In particular, he was fond of the flavor of human flesh.

However, he was an ethical mad scientist, so he got his meat via cloning willing subjects.

Over time the number of subjects went dow...

Scientist has a pain that comes back periodically.

Keeps saying "aaaaah it Hertz"

Scientists have discovered a planet populated entirely by robots.

They call it Mars.

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[NSFW] A study just released shows that 84 percent of all people admit to masturbating regularly.

Scientists are very encouraged. The 16 percent rate of lying is the lowest they have ever measured.

What workplace game do scientists like to play?

Formaldehyde-and-go-seek

According to scientists,

Infertility is hereditary. So, if your parents didn't have kids, then neither will you.

Why did the Python data scientist get arrested at customs?

She was caught trying to import pandas!

How many beers does it take to get a German scientist drunk?

_Ein_ stein.

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Scientists claim its impossible to fold a piece of paper 8 times.

They have obviously never seen me wiping my ass when there is only one sheet of toilet paper left.

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For the longest time scientists believed in a treatment for ED.

But until Viagra came along, there was no hard evidence.

I’m the scientist who just discovered that goose-down pillows are NOT resistant to sulphuric acid.

Although, apparently that’s not what my wife meant when she said we need to “experiment in the bedroom”

Physicists are the only scientists that matter

But mathematicians are the only ones who count

Edit: First time on the front page of /r/Jokes!

Edit 2: #10!

A scientist cannot tell the formula for Nitrogen Oxide.

All of them say NO. Weird.

Scientists found out that crabs hear through their legs.

A scientist yelled at a crab and it ran away. Then he cut of its legs and yelled at it again. And suddenly the crab didn't run away anymore.

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Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts

is to make males stupid.

Scientists have today discovered that dark matter actually does not exist.

The source of the unknown mass in the galaxy was never dark matter, but the result of a calculation mistake.

The scientists admit that they forgot to include your mother in the calculations, and therefor the last (approximately) 80% of the mass in the Milky Way has finally been discovered.

Did you guys see that scientists invented a pill that kills your thirst?

You just have to take the pill then have two large glasses of water.

A scientist is performing experiments on a frog

He starts by placing the frog at a starting line and shouts "Jump" after measuring how far the frog leapt he records in his journal "A frog with 4 legs jumps 6 feet"


He then cuts off one of the frogs legs, places it back at the starting line then once again shouts "Jump". After measuring...

Scientists found out...

...some were also found in!

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Did you know that scientists have named the core of Uranus?

It's called urectum

How do scientists freshen their breath?

With *experi-mints* !

A brilliant scientist successfully creates a lifelike deer cyborg.

Dr. Holmes, after many years of biotechnological research, finally succeeded in his secret project, using funds diverted from his research grant. Because the project needed to be kept off the records, Dr. Holmes kept the deer at home.

The cyborg would grow and develop just as a normal fawn wo...

Scientists tested a frog.

They cut off its legs and said "jump!"

The frog didn't jump.

Scientists therefore concluded that when frogs lose their legs, they become deaf.

What did the duck say to the Mad Scientist?

It worked!

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The deaf computer scientist

A young, attractive woman goes to a bar. She notices a man at the other side of the bar making eye contact with her, and before long the bartender hands her a note saying, "That gentlemen over there told me to give this to you."

> Come join me for a drink?

She approaches the man an...

Marie Curie is my favorite scientist of all time.

She was absolutely radiant.

What is the difference between a scientist, an engineer and a technician?

The scientist does it the best way.

The engineer does it the way that works.

The technician wonders about their definition of "Best" and "Works"

Scientist: We've successfully taught a dog Morse code!

Dog: [taps paw]


Me: What did it say??


Scientist: "Woof."

Two Norwegian scientists were operating on a frog....

They taught it to jump on command. When they said "Jump!" it leaped forwards.

They removed one rear leg and said "Jump!". The frog leaped forwards.

They removed the other rear leg and said "Jump!", but nothing seemed to happen.

After much discussion they could conclude that if y...

My friend's a scientist and accidentally chilled his lab rat to absolute zero...

At first the rat was just frozen, but he's 0K now.

Scientists have shown that an uncontrollable urge to start singing the Tokens hit single "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is always just a whim away.

A whim away a whim away...

What do you call a scientist that steals energy?

A joule thief.

A new strain of head lice has been discovered which is resistant to conventional treatments.

That has left scientists scratching their heads.

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A scientist is trying to invent

a bra that keeps women's breasts from bouncing when running and doesn’t show nipples when wet.

Don’t worry, we killed the idiot.

Why do mad scientists and mathematicians get along so well?

One tests the limits of their patients, the others limits, test their patience.

A couple scientists created an AI

That seemed to be able to answer all questions. It cured cancer and even told them how to travel faster than light.one day one of the scientists asked it if there was a god. The ai asked for all of humanities information in order to answer. It was given all books ever written, all historical data an...

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What did the Spanish scientist say when asked if he wanted lime in his cocktail?

A mi no acid.

Scientists have discovered why flamingos stand on one leg

Removed cause Reddit doesn't care about their users. (API Changes)

A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist...

...had spent their whole lives studying the majestic grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study these wondrous beasts.

Finally, their request was granted and they immediately flew to New York and then on west to Yellowstone...

- Have you heard of a scientist who froze himself at -273°C?

— No, what happened to him?

— Don't worry, he is 0K

A scientist tried to make gum out of eggs

It was an egg spearmint

Local mom finds cure to weight loss, Scientist are dumbfounded...

at how gullible people on the internet are.

How can you tell if a computer scientist is an extrovert?

They stare at your shoes instead of staring at their own

What do you call a not so smart scientist?

Bill Naive the science guy

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This scientist goes to an all male tribe

Over the course of his stay, he gets curious and asks the tribe chief how the men have sex, so he tells him "Come down to the river tomorrow morning and we'll show you."
The next morning the scientist goes down to the river and sees all the men gathered round a donkey and the leader tells him tha...

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A scientist was experimenting on a cockroach..

A scientist was experimenting on a cockroach..

He pulls out one leg of cockroaches leg each time and let him free and says go...

The scientist notes down the result,

1- cockroach can run when one leg was pulled out.

2- cockroach can run when the second leg was pulled ...

I just opened a wig shop for vengeful mad scientists and evil geniuses experiencing hair loss.

It's called "There'll be hell toupe".

We asked a group of scientists to study what's an acceptable amount of existential dread to experience.

Their response was, "It doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things."

What sort of scientists does Soda Stream employ?

Fizzyscists

Scientists say that talking to dairy cows helps them to produce more milk

>!It's in one ear and out the udder!<

President Obama visits the Pentagon...

President Obama visits the Pentagon to test out the latest in military technology.

A scientist says to him "We have two projects that we are very proud of. One is a powered exoskeleton and the other is an invisibility cloak. Which would you like to try first?"

Obama replies, "Uh, let ...

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