Scientists have discovered a way to milk sheep.

Just release a new iphone every year.

Scientists just invented a new pill that prevents dehydration

All you have to do is take it twice a day with a glass of water

Scientists got bored of watching the Earth turn so after 24 hours

They called it a day

I'm a scientist doing research in bestiality.

Come by if you're interested in any details. I'll be in my lab.

Scientists have discovered a food that makes women morbidly obese soon after they eat it.

Wedding cake.

How can u tell a computer scientist is an introvert or an extrovert?

The extrovert looks at your shoes while having conversation while the introvert looks at his own shoe.

A few famous scientists are playing a game of hide-and-seek

Einstein starts looking for everyone. Most of them hide, except Newton, who pulls out a piece of paper exactly 1m x 1m in size and places it on the ground next to him.

When Einstein finds him, he shouts: I've found you, Isaac! You've lost!"

The other physicist replies: "Nope. You must ...

A scientist walks into a bar

He sees a colleague from work and starts chatting him up. The first scientist says to the bartender, "I'll have a glass of H2O". The second scientist says, "I'll have a water as well". He then turns to his colleague. "Y'know, we're off work. You don't have to use the technical terms here". The first...

Scientists have observed only two types of people:

Pheno-types and Geno-types.

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One day a scientist had a brilliant idea

He thought to himself, "People are so preoccupied with talking animals, why don't i make the first ever talking food!". This was a momentous idea that he just had, and he thought it best to experiment on his favourite food item: Matzo balls.

The scientist made a matzo ball, and after much tri...

A scientist got into an argument with God...

The scientist said, "We have decided we no longer need you, as we can create anything in the laboratory just as easy as you can create something."

God said, "OK let's see who can create a human from dirt."

The scientist reached down and gathered up some dirt...

God said, "Hey! G...

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Scientist: My invention can creat matter in all three forms. Gas, liquid and solid.

My asshole: You know, I’m something of a scientist myself.

Scientists annoy me, they’re always going on about Boyle’s Law and Archimedes’ Law.

One came up to me and said: “If you had an apple which experiences no net force, then its velocity is constant: the apple is either at rest, or it moves in a straight line with constant speed – Newton’s Law”

So I said “Here’s one for you: If you have an apple, a carrot, a cabbage, mayonnaise ...

One scientist to another...

"Have you ever seen an Archimedes screw?"

"No, but I imagine they do it pretty much the same as other Greeks."

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Isaac Newton died a virgin so I'm one up on a famous scientist

Because I'm not dead

A mad scientist walks into a bar..

..carrying 3 glass jars.

He puts the jars on the bar and says to the barman, "I have created life! Here, I have 3 jars, one containing Ice, one containing Water, and one containing Steam. They are all alive!".

The barman laughs and says, "ok, prove it then".

The mad scientist sa...

Two scientists are playing Minecraft.

Two scientists are playing Minecraft. One is new to the game and doesn’t know much about it. At some point, he crafts a pickaxe, but doesn’t know what to do with it, so he asks the more experienced scientist.

Scientist 1: Bro, what should I do with this pickaxe that I crafted?

Scie...

Scientists have grown human vocal cords in a petri dish.

The results speak for themselves.

some scientists decided to do the following experiments on a dog.

For the first experiment, they cut one of the dog's legs off, then they told the dog to walk. The dog got up and walked, so they they learned that a dog could walk with just three legs. For the second experiment, they cut off a second leg from the dog, then they told the dog once more to walk. The...

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Scientists have discovered that bees die because of exposure to boobs

They call it die-of-bee-tits

What do you call a scientist who sometimes drinks, and sometimes doesn’t?

Schröedrinker

Autocorrect might have been invented by history's greatest scientist.

Albeit Einstein would disagree.

Scientists say cigarettes can harm your children.

Fair enough. Use an ashtray.

A scientist puts a penny under a microscope.

"Truly magnificent!", he says.

Scientists are saying that the capital of the Republic of Ireland has increased by a staggering 100%!

It’s Dublin

Who did the studio hire to play the scientist behind CRISPR?

Gene Hackman

Scientists have discovered a new genus of bees that produce milk instead of honey.

They're called boo-bees

What did the scientist testing his invisibility potion say?

Am I making myself clear?

Why don’t scientists trust atoms?

Because they make up everything.

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There was a scientist

That claimed that all ants are constipated.
A tabloid sent a reporter to investigate his claims.
The reporter traveled miles and miles and reached his expedition in the Amazon, finding him surrounded by students looking in awe at him picking ants off a colony.

The journalist respectfull...

Scientist: This liquid vaporizes your brain

Friend: Nothings happening

Scientist: Exactly

2 scientists were at a science sale

The first one was selling protons and electrons for .10 cents each. The second one was just handing out neutrons to anyone. When I asked the second one why he wouldn't accept any money for the neutrons he repllied: *they're free of charge*.

Yesterday, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, and refused to apologize when wrong.

Scientists have found crazed bugs on the moon.

Lunar ticks

Did you hear about the scientists who lightly waved a feather over a man’s balls?

It was a test tickle.

Where does a dog scientist work?

In a labradoratory.

Alfred Nobel was a great guy. He was a scientist, engineer, and he created dynamite. He also created the Nobel Prizes.

He was so amazing that he blew everyone away

Scientists are saying that this year was one of the warmest on record

Don't worry though, they say that every year

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My friend works as a scientist where they have a giant underground ring which smashes cocktails together at very high speeds...

...it's called the Pina Collider.

Scientists have discovered a plant so deadly that even standing under it will soon kill you

It's known as the water lily.

So a GMO scientist, after a successful series of test results, turns to his lab mates to congratulate them and say

"You're the team of the crop"

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A mad scientist and his dim-witted assistant are collecting resources to bring a cyborg abomination to life.

They split the work to be as efficient as possible. The scientist decides to stay at the lab to tinker with and clean the robotic parts, and the assistant goes out to collect body parts.

After an hour, the assistant arrives with a leg, and sees the robotic parts still covered in grease.
...

A scientist has made the greatest breakthrough in human history by discovering how to time travel...

..and after global fame and months of planning how to communicate, how to introduce his people and what to bring he and his assistant time travel back to Ancient Egypt as an ambassador to a famous queen. His visit is able to be broadcasted live to the present in front of billions and Egyptians from ...

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Nasa scientists became fed up of jokes on Uranus and decided to change it's name

It's now called Urrectum

What did the scientist say when his substances argued?

What's the matter?

Scientists have proven that there are two things in the air that have been known to cause women to get pregnant

Their legs

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A scientist, a mathematician, and in idiot all die in a car wreck and go to Heaven.

"Unfortunately, since heaven is quite full at the moment, I am only going to allow one of you in," the Devil says. "Whoever can ask me a question that I cannot answer correctly will be admitted into heaven. The rest will go to hell."

So the scientist steps up and asks him, "What is the most c...

Several scientists were all posed the following question: "What is 2 * 2 ?"

The engineer whips out his slide rule (so it's old) and shuffles it back and forth, and finally announces "3.99".

The physicist consults his technical references, sets up the problem on his computer, and announces "it lies between 3.98 and 4.02".

The mathematician cogitates for a whi...

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There was once a scientist who found he could raise his IQ by masterbaiting

It was a stroke of genius

Why did the mad scientist smell so lovely?

He cologned himself.

How many computer scientists does it take to change a lightbulb

0 to 1

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Scientists have identified a food that completely kills sex drive in women.

It's called "wedding cake."

Last week scientists found out ...

but then they went back inside

Scientists- Only a tiny percentage of universe is observable, the rest is beyond our reach.

Women after Breakup - I've seen it all.

What do you call a scientist who believes in ancient gods and goddesses?

Carl Pagan!

Came up by myself!

Two scientists are talking about what scientific name they should give a species they found

Scientist 1:how about this *slams hand on keyboard*


Scientist 2:too short let me try *slams head on keyboard multiple times*


Scientist 1:perfect

A scientist from Alabama once said

Everyone is a relative.

What’s a Scientist’s favourite dog?

A Lab.

A mad scientist was pondering over a mirror one night

His concerned wife asked him what he was up to. He said he discovered something amazing and could not figure out how it worked. Curious, she asked him about what he discovered. He replied “When you look really closely, all mirrors look like eyeballs”.

There once was a scientist who helped produce many fantastic and otherworldly varieties of sodapop.

Sadly, he was only paid a flat rate, as he had no degree in fizzics.

Scientists have determined how many people it takes to screw in a light bulb.

It's less than to screw in a heavy bulb.

5 out of 6 scientists agree

Russian roulette is completely safe

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
 
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give...

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Scientists have discovered that when you sneeze the sensation is 1/16 of an orgasm.

Which is why I leave a pot of pepper on my wife’s bedside, because she at least deserves *something*

What club do racist scientists join?

The Potassium Potassium Potassium.

What did the Pie scientist use for their experiment?

A peach tree dish.

A scientist is conducting an experiment to determine whether frogs can follow simple commands.

A scientist is conducting an experiment to determine whether frogs can follow simple commands. He begins with a healthy, four-legged frog, and says, “Jump, frog, jump!”

Right on command, the frog jumps.

He then cuts off one of the frog’s legs says “Jump, frog, jump!”, the frog still ju...

An anti-vaxxer, a flat earthed and an scientist walk into a restaurant. They see a sign that says “Finish our famous 32 oz steak in 15 minutes with 2 friends, win $200! Entry fee: $50” The scientist looks at the other two and says “are you guys thinking what I’m thinking?”

He takes a brief pause and then says “Oh yeah I forgot, you two can’t think.”

How do you tell an introverted computer scientist from an extroverted computer scientist?

An introverted computer scientist looks at their own shoes when they talk to you

An extroverted computer scientist looks at your shoes when they talk to you.

Heard it while watching AlphaGo.

I’m a scientist researching bestiality.

If anyone needs anything, I’ll be in my lab.

The Brilliant Scientist

A brilliant scientist, by the name of Dr. Elliot Kupferberg, assembled yet another fruitful invention that would slap anyone who dared to lie within its presence. But one last piece remained. He knew, as a scientist, that he needed to test his potentially dangerous contraption on humans. So he thoug...

It's crazy to think that we have scientists that can make hamburgers out of plants. These possibilities are just...

Beyond meat

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A scientist with a cage is running down a street when he bumped into someone. The cage fell and several Labrador puppies fell out.

He yells at the guy, "Watch out, those are my fucking Lab results!"

Scientists invent a new machine to ease the pain during childbirth

The machine transfers the pain a woman feels during labor to the father of the baby, at any percentage rate between 0 and 100%.

The first couple to test it is very excited, they connect the machine to the soon-to-be-mother and warn the husbands about the consequences. "Men are not used to fee...

Scientist: "My findings are meaningless if taken out of context."

Media: Scientist claims "Findings are meaningless."

Scientists have taken the first pictures of the interior of a black hole.

It's all pink.

Scientists in NY have made a major breakthrough with curing the Epstein-Barr virus.

New research suggests that half of the problem might go away on its own if you leave it alone in its jail cell.

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If scientists perfect our nutrition so that our bodies metabolize 100% of what we eat with zero waste, we may evolve to a pinnacle of civilization. Why?

There will be no more assholes in the world.

Scientists have figured out the most common key that old pirate shanties were sang in

They found and analyzed lots of sheet music that’s inspired by old shanties/ music written by former sailors. It was found that over 90% were written in the same way, all the research showed that almost all pirate shanties were sang in a high C

What is a scientist's favorite type of gum?

ex-spearmint!

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During an ecumenical assembly, a secretary rushed in shouting, “The building is on fire!”

The Methodists prayed in a corner.
The Baptists wondered where they could find water. The Quakers quietly praised God for the blessings that fire brings.
The Lutherans posted a notice on the door announcing the fire was evil.
The Roman Catholics passed the plate to cover the cost of the ...

A scientist said to his friend:

I am going to freeze myself at -273 Celsius

His friend said: **BUT YOU’LL DIE!**

The scientist replied: I’ll be 0K

Scientists have recently discovered that a pinniped’s external ear flaps carry an electric charge

If you put them on a seal, you get a seal ion.

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Scientists recently discovered that narwhals and belugas can interbreed

I didn't think the narwhal could get any hornier.

Scientists have finally figured out what's at the bottom of the Mariana's Trench!

water.

I met this computer scientist chick. Really ugly.

She was like a 10.

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My boss just walked in with some scientists and yelled "Random drug test!"

I think he's taking the piss

A scientist invented a new machine that could detect lies

So he called three women to test it. A brunette, a redhead and a blonde.

First he asked the brunette to say something. She said,“i think i can eat 12 burgers with an empty stomach”. The machine beeped. “ okay, maybe 8”. The machine was quiet.

Next he asked the redhead to test it. She...

Intelligent animals

Dolphins are highly intelligent animals. American scientists proved that after only a brief time in captivity, they are able to train humans to stand at the edge of the pool and toss them bits of fish.

Two scientists are studying a volcano. One says 'yep, she's gonna blow'.

The other says 'nevermind her, what about the volcano?'

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In the year XXXX, two scientists discover how to time travel. One of them tries to test it.

After a few minutes, he returns and tells the other: ''Our ancestors had to deal with a lot of shit: they forced women to give birth to the seed of their own family members, they were treating rats as unnatural spawns of the devil sent for harming the children...''



The other one repl...

Scientists have developed a vaccine against stupidity.

But anti-vaxxers won't get it.

Scientists have succeeded in crossing a man with a sea-cow!

Oh the humanatee.

A famous scientist was on his way to a lecture in yet another university when his driver offered an idea.

"Hey, boss, I've heard your speech so many times I bet I could deliver it and give you the night off." "Sounds great," the scientist said. When they got to the auditorium, the scientist put on the driver's hat and settled into the back row. The driver walked on the stage delivered the speech. Afterw...

Scientists found out that the cause for the California earthquake was not a divine retribution but simply a banana peel.

Your mom slipped over it.

A historian, a journalist, and a political scientist walk into a bar on January 23, 1993...

[Citation Needed]

Scientist begin testing cancer treamtnents in lions.

It’s going well, until one day a scientist checks in with the feline that had been receiving chemotherapy, and realized that it’s missing. She freaks out, but one of her colleagues says “Don’t panic just yet,” and throws a rib eye into the lion’s cage. Instantly, the lion seems to materialize from n...

Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds

They’ve left no tern unstoned

A few days ago, a team of 200 scientists released the first ever image of a cosmic body with a mass 7 billion times that of the sun's, also known as

yo mama lmao

Scientists recently discovered something in the air that causes women to become pregnant -

Their legs

A scientist put a flux capacitor in his bicep...

I told him, “Weird flux, but okay.”

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Three scientists want to know how long can an organism live without shitting

They try to test it with a pig, so they put a plug in his butthole and start feeding him for days.

The first two weeks the pig is ok, but the third week the scientists see that the pig has become very very fat, so they decide to remove the plug from his ass.

The problem is they don't k...

Scientists removed the right half of a man's brain...

...and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten."

Then they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine."

The scientists then removed both halves of...

I bet a lot of money that scientists will be able to perfect human cloning soon.

If not, I won’t be able to live with myself.

Two scientists walk into a bar

One says I’ll have “H2O”

The one on the right says “I’ll have H2O too”

The bartender says ok, and hands them their water.

30 seconds later and the scientist fall on the floor

“What happened “ a scientist says
“ oops I gave him H2O2”

I know it’s bad but my scien...

A climate scientist and a climate-change denier walk into a bar

The climate-change denier goes to the bartender and asks for the strongest drink in the house.

The bartender takes out a bottle and says, "This is Absinthe, about 75% alcohol. Can I sell you a glass?"

The climate-change denier gets all upset and leaves the bar in a huff. The climate sc...

A scientist told me my climate change denial was wrong, citing the horrific brush fires we see wiping out swathes of vegetation all over the world.

I told him they were just plants.

Why didn't the scientist install a door bell at his home?

Because he wanted a Nobel prize.

Why can’t scientists reach absolute zero?

Because only a Sith deals with absolutes.

Scientists modified bears DNA to make them more humanlike.

Unfortunately the result was unbearable.

I was at a party and there was a big bowl of mixed alcohol and fruit juice, with a long line of brain surgeons, rocket scientists, and Nobel prize winners all queuing up to drink it...

...I thought what a great punch line.

There was an old scientist who invented an anti-Alzheimer’s vaccine.

Unfortunately, he forgot the formula.

I made a group for rocket scientists once

It really took off

Why did it take scientists so long to get a picture of a black hole?

If they wanted a picture of something devouring all life force around them, they could have just asked for a picture of my mother in law.

Scientists discovered getting diarrhea is hereditary.

It runs in your genes.

A scientist is asked by the government to create the first teleporter.

Knowing that this will be an incredibly hard task, the scientist devotes every day to the task, until they have created the teleporter.

First, the scientist discovers that titanium and sulfur, when combined create a metal that would make a great base and projector for the teleporter, so they ...

Scientists discovered that death is actually caused by moss buildup in veins, which stops the flow of blood.

This is why Keith Richards is still alive.

What did the scientist tell his sister when she wouldn't sit still?

Stasis.

Scientists have a new theory on how the first laxative was discovered.

It was an accident.

A scientist and a philosopher are being chased by a hungry lion.

The scientist makes some quick calculations and says, “It's no good trying to outrun it. It's catching up!”


The philosopher keeps a little ahead and replies, “I'm not trying to outrun the lion, I'm trying to outrun you!”

The oldest job in the world

A doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world. The doctor remarked "Well, in the Bible it says that God created Eve from a rib taken from Adam. This clearly required surgery so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest professio...

Scientists recently dicovered a new dinosaur that was very intelligent

Its called Thesaurus

Many top scientists are on the autism spectrum..

And that means that autism causes vaccines.

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Two scientists walk into a bar.

"I'll have H2O," says the first.

"I'll have H2O, too," says the second.

The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position, as well as pragmatic context.

What did the scientist say when he found 2 Isotopes of Helium?

HeHe

Two scientists entered a bar

One orders H^(2)O the other said "Il have H^(2)O^(2)" and dies.

Billy the ant scientist.

Once there was a mad scientist named Billy obsessed with experimenting on ants. For the this he earned the nickname "Ant billy" Billy ant" or "that weird ant dude" or variations there of and was generally considered a laughingstock of the town.

Determined to not be such a goddamn failure anym...

A mathematician, a scientist, and an economist walk past a field of cows.

The mathematician says "Those cows are brown on this side."

The scientist says "Those are brown cows."

The economist wrinkles his brow, nods, and says "All cows are brown."

Scientists have recently created a new plan to get rid of the large trash island in the ocean

They call it "Brexit".

There was a scientist who was frozen to absolute zero.

Don’t worry, he was 0K.

Scientists have discovered that there is intelligent DNA inside of a lot of Women.

Unfortunately, most of them spit it out.

I once met a mad scientist...

...I guess you could say he was experi-mental

An Indian scientist was collaborating with an American called Robert

Both of them being genetic researchers, they had reached a breakthrough in rice where a gene introduced would help it grow in the most adverse of conditions. They called it Victory gene, or V gene for short.

But Robert decided to steal the credit for himself, so he stole the v gene, and escap...

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