A physicist, engineer and a statistician are out hunting...

A physicist, engineer and a statistician are out hunting. Suddenly, a deer appears 50 yards away.

The physicist does some basic ballistic calculations, assuming a vacuum, lifts his rifle to a specific angle, and shoots. The bullet lands 5 yards short.

The engineer adds a fudge factor f...

A mathematician and a physicist were arguing over whose field of study was better.

A mathematician and a physicist were arguing over whose field of study was better. They decided to settle the argument by posing questions. The mathematician went first, and posed a complicated mathematical problem. With a great deal of effort, several books of mathematical tables and techniques,...

A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer are tasked with finding the volume of a small ball

The mathematician measures the diameter and calculates the volume.

The physicist drops the ball in a tank of water and measures the displaced water.

The engineer examines the ball for a part number.

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematicians have to build a fence around a flock of sheep, using as little material as possible.

The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it.

The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock.

The mathematicians thinks for a while, then builds a fence around himself and defines hims...

A physicist is walking along a road when she looks up at a tall building...

She sees a man on the roof getting ready to jump and shouts out to him, "Don't do it, you have so much potential!"

A chemist, a biologist and a quantum physicist go surfing.

Having developed a paranoid sense for lab safety precautions, the chemist is worried about jumping into water with unknown impurities.

The biologist knows the local marine wildlife and assures him that the water is perfectly safe for living beings, with plenty of fishes and squids present. <...

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A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were in a hotel for a convention.

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were in a hotel for a convention. Then, in the middle of the night for no apparent reason, a fire breaks out in the engineer's wastebasket. The engineer rushes over to the bathroom, empties out the ice bucket, fills it with water and pours it into the ...

A physicist, a biologist, and a mathematician are relaxing on a hill

A physicist, a biologist, and a mathematician are relaxing on a hill overlooking an abandoned house. They watch two people enter the house through a broken window. Time passes. Later they observe three people leave the house.

The physicist says, "Our measurements weren't accurate."

The...

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An engineer, physicist, and a mathematician

An engineer and a physicist go to a mathematicians house for dinner.

After finishing a wonderful meal prepared by the mathematician, they sit by the fire and enjoy a smoke.

The physicist leaves to use the toilet.

After coming back he comments to the mathematician;

'If you...

A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician walk into an office to discover the trash can is on fire.



The physicist announces "We must put the garbage can in the fridge so that the temperature will be below the ignition temperature and therefore put itself out!"

The chemist replies "No, we must cover the garbage can so that the fire consumes all of the oxygen and, in the absence of re...

Two physicists are walking down a hallway

One says, "kilogrammetersquaredpersecondcubed"

The second responds, "Watt?"

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Why was the quantum physicist bad at sex?

Because he was able to find either the position or the momentum, but not both.

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A mathematician and a physicist...

... are invited to participate in a psychological experiment.

The first one is the mathematician.

He is guided into a room where his wife sits on a chair, only wearing lingerie, looking at him with lust and desire. The surprised mathematician is placed on a chair a few meters away.
...

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Two physicists walk into a bar

One says to the barman "I'll have a H2O"

The other adds "I'll have a H2O, aswell"

The barman then punches the second man for calling him an ass-well.

What do you call a weird physicist?

Quarky!

Why did the physicist stick a hoover up his bum?

He was trying to create a farticle accelerator.

One day a physicist saw a young boy standing on the top of a high building, preparing to jump off.

So he yelled at the boy: “Don’t do it! You have so much potential!”

A doctor and a physicist

A physicist and a doctoe both love the same woman. The doctor brings the woman a red rose every day, the physicist on the other hand brings her an apple every day.

One day the woman asks the physicist: 'I understand the gesture with the red rose, but what about the apple?'

The physicis...

In a hotel a engineer, a physicist and a mathematician...

... are sleeping when a fire breaks out.

The engineer wakes up, notices the fire, grabs the next fire extinguisher and starts spraying.... After what seems hours of heroic fighting the fire is gone and he goes to sleep again.

But the fire breaks out again. The physicist wakes up, notic...

My wife and I are both physicists. We often disagree about space and time.

In her view, the socks should not be on the floor space and I should move them NOW.

A Physicist, an engineer and an architect are sitting in a taxi.

The engineer says: What makes it drive?
The physicist says: Why does it drive ?
And the architect says: Your fare will be 17.45$.

What did the photochemist say to the radiation physicist?

Can you shed some light on this matter?

What do you call a physicist who's really short?

A micro Newton.

What do you call a physicist orgy?

The Big Bang

A mathematician and a physicist are asked to answer a math question:

A mathematician and a physicist are asked to answer a math question:

Joe has 4000 burgers then he eats 4 burgers, how many burgers does Joe have left?

The matematician says: "well 4000-4=3996, so Joe has 3996 burgers left."

The physicist says: "well 4 is pretty small compared to...

A mobster kidnaps a biologist, an electrical engineer, and a physicist

He sits them down and tells them, "I need a way to win a horse race every time. You are each going to think up a plan for doing this... Or else. "

A week later, the biologist walks in, "It's simple. We drug the horses with this series of amphetamines and steroids that I've come up with. "
...

A physicist, a mathematician and a computer programmer discuss what is better: a wife or a girlfriend.

The physicist: "A girlfriend. You still have freedom to experiment."
The mathematician: "A wife. You have security."
The computer programmer: "Both. When I'm not with my wife, she thinks I'm with my girlfriend. With my girlfriend it's vice versa. And I can be with my computer without anyon...

An engineer a Physicist and a Philosopher sit in a Taxi...

The engineer asks " how does it ride?"
The Physicist asks " why does it ride?"
And the philosopher asks "where do you want to ride?"

What is a nuclear physicists favorite food?

FissionChips

Two physicists go hiking

A theoretical physicist and an applied physicist go hiking on the Appalachian Trail. Suddenly they spot a black bear running towards them. The applied physicist starts taking off his boots.

The theoretical physicist says, "It's not possible to outrun a bear."

The applied physicist say...

Marie Curie was a brilliant physicist but Einstein was exponentially smarter than her.

E = M.C.²

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A physicist, an engineer and a mathematician each enter a room that has jug of water next to a bookshelf that is on fire.

The physicist looks at the shelf then looks at the water, He pulls out a sheet of paper and begins to calculate the exact amount of water required to put the fire out. The engineer enters the room looks at the shelf then looks at the water, grabs the jug and empties it on the fire. The mathematici...

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician

An engineer wakes up in the middle of the night and sees that there is a fire in the hallway. He fills a trash can with water and throws it on the fire.

A physicist wakes up in the middle of the night and sees that there is a fire in the hallway. He fills a trash can with the exact amount of ...

A physicist got stabbed in the chest with a harpoon

His last words were, “This is normal to me”

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An engineer, a physicist and a statistician go deer hunting.

An engineer, a physicist and a statistician go deer hunting. They see a massive buck, and the physicist gets to take the first shot.

The physicist takes out a notepad and pencil and starts calculating, "Account for coriolis force, air friction...carry the 9..." Finally the physicist has calcu...

What do you call the odd pleasure a particle physicist feels when watching a dwarf chug a beer?

The strange charm of a top down bottoms up.

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip...

They are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The engineer rolls his eyes. “You forgot to account for wind, give it he...

A Physicist, an Engineer and a Statistician go out hunting together...

The three of them are hunting for deer and manage to see one. The physicist attempts the shot by shooting directly at it.

He misses by 5 metres to the left.

Engineer: "you forgot to consider the wind resistance! Let me take a shot."

The Engineer takes a shot and missed by 5 metr...

A bar walks into a physicist...

...oops, wrong frame of reference.

I thought I'd make a science joke at the physicist's funeral.

But I came in with the wrong energy.

(Not mine) There was an experiment: a physicist, an engineer and a mathematician were locked up in in three absolutely empty rooms for 8 hours. Each of them was given a chest of food that should be unlocked somehow. After the term passed, the experimenters opened the door with the physician...

He was fine. Next to him was a broken empty chest. They asked "How did you manage to open it?". The answer was "I was simply throwing the chest against the walls and it broke". Then the experimenters opened the room with the engineer. He was also Ok and he he said that he had opened the chest after ...

Did you hear about that new threesome adult film starring a physicist?

It's called, "The Double-slit Experiment".

Physicists have figured out how to make time come to a standstill.

They just sent it the message, 'you are doing that too much. try again in 5 minutes.'

Why did the physicist and the biologist break up?

There was just no chemistry

An engineer, physicist, and mathematician have been imprisoned.

At some point, the warden realizes that the three men haven't been fed in a while. He accompanies an officer to check up on them. The warden and officer arrive at the first cell that contained the engineer. To their astonishment, the cell was empty and the wall had a hole in it.

"How is that ...

A geologist, physicist and an economist are marooned on a desert island with nothing to eat.

A can of soup washes ashore. They ponder how to open it. The geologist says, ‘Let’s smash it open with a rock.’ The physicist says, ‘Let’s heat it up and blow it open.’ The economist says, ‘No, no. You guys will lose most of the soup. Let’s just assume we have a can opener.’

What do you call a physicist that’s 1/4 Hispanic?

Ohm slice

This one goes out to the Physicists

Genie: Alright, you’ve got one wish.

Me: I wish I had a hat.

Genîe: weîrd, but ok.

Physicists, Engineer and Statistician go hunting ...

... as they are walking through the woods, they spot a deer.

"This one is mine" said Physicists. He takes out a pencil and a notepad and does some ballistic calculations, but calculates them in vacuum. He picks up his rifle, aim, fires. The bullet overshoots by 5 yards.

"Give me that...

A mathematician, physicist and an engineer...

... are trying to measure a building.


The mathematician tries to calculate the height of the building by using angle of elevation.


The physicist throws an egg off the top of the building and tries using the time it takes to fall.


The engineer walks up to the owner of...

A Mathematician, A Physicist and A Chemist were on a Beach

They decided to put their expertise to use and conduct some research. The Math man said, "I'll jump into the water and measure the depth of the ocean." The Physicist said, "I will go and examine the density of the water at various depths." The Chemist said, "I will use the data you both collect and ...

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Why couldn't the physicist couple find a third person to join them in doin' butt stuff?

Because there's no analytic solution to the three body problem.

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So a philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at starbucks.

So a philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at starbucks.

The mathematician turns to the physicist sitting next to him and says "You know, physics is just applied mathematics!"

They all have a good laugh, at which point the philosopher interjects from across the table. "And...

Why does a failed physicist smokes marijuana?

Because as he gets high he increases his potential.

An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a mystic were asked to name the greatest invention of all time

The engineer chose fire, which gave humanity power over matter. The physicist chose the wheel, which gave humanity the power over space. The mathematician chose the alphabet, which gave humanity power over symbols. The mystic chose the thermos bottle.
"Why a thermos bottle?" the others asked.
...

What did the doctor say to the physicist who had just been diagnosed?

"You really need to understand the gravity of the situation."

A physicist, an engineer and a programmer were in a car driving over a steep alpine pass when the brakes failed.

The car was getting faster and faster, they were struggling to get round the corners and once or twice only the feeble crash barrier saved them from crashing down the side of the mountain. They were sure they were all going to die, when suddenly they spotted an escape lane. They pulled into the esca...

What did the particle physicist duck say?

Quark.

A physicist goes to the top of the empire state building and sees a man about to leap to his death

He runs up to him and says, "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"

Relieved, the man climbs off the edge and follows the physicist down to the street. The physicist then looks at him again and says: "ah... Never mind".

Did you hear about that theoretical physicist who went insane studying cosmic background radiation?

He said he couldn't tell where reality ended... and the paranoid delusions began!

A Mexican particle physicist was asked if he was ready to explain the neutrino in layman's terms or if he required more time.

He said "no mass".

A Physicist, a Biologist and a Mathematician are standing at a bus stop.

A bus stops and 5 people get in.
As the bus comes around the next time, 6 people get out.
The Physicist comments:
"That's a measuring error."
The biologist says:
"They reproduced on the way."
The mathematician says:
"If one more person gets in, the bus will be empty."

Have you heard about the cult of teenage girls who worship the German physicist Georg Simon Ohm?

In schools everywhere, you can hear them praying in the hallways: "Ohm, my God!"

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are staying in a hotel for a convention.

A fire breaks out in each of their trash cans at the same time during the night.

The engineer wakes up, dumps water onto the fire until its out, then a little more to make sure it stays out, and goes back to bed.

The physicist wakes up, grabs his notepad, calculates the amount of water...

Einstein was once travelling from Princeton on a train

When the conductor came down the aisle, punching the tickets of every passenger.

When he came to Einstein, Einstein reached in his vest pocket. He couldn't find his ticket, so he reached in his trouser pockets. It wasn't there, so he looked in his briefcase but couldn't find it.

Then h...

How do physicists play Volleyball?

In vacuum with perfect spheres.

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Two mathematicians and two physicists take a train to a science symposium

On the ride there just before their tickets are checked the mathmaticians go to the loo and hide together in one cubicle. When asked to present their tickets they slide one under the booth door.

The physicists are stumped, but smart as they are they use the same trick on the return journey. W...

"As a quantum physicist opening the box with Schrodinger's cat, do you expect it to be dead or alive?"

"Yes"

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An engineer, physicist, and a statistician in a hotel room...

So an engineer, a physicist, and a statistician are all sleeping in a hotel room when suddenly an outlet catches fire. The engineer wakes up first and says to himself "this is an electrical fire, water won't work!" And runs to grab a fire extinguisher. The physicist wakes up next and thinks to himse...

Another deserted island joke...

A chemist, a physicist, and an economist are shipwrecked on a deserted island, with only a book of waterproof matches, a set of flares, and a case of canned soup.

“All we have to eat is this soup,” said the chemist as he set of the first flare. “Let’s set the cans here, near the water, so th...

There was this physicist who came to the ice cream bar every day

to buy two ice creams: one for himself and another that he offers to the empty spot next to him.

Eventually, the ice cream salesman asks him: "Why do you keep doing that?"

P: "Well... quantum mechanics teach us that it's theoratically possible for a girl to spontaneously burst into exi...

What's the only thing weirder than physics

A physicist

A physicist walks into 2 bars.

He felt under pressure.

How did the particle physicist escape his laboratory unseen?

He created a diverse ion.

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Quantum physicists have the best sex.

They know all the super positions.

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are all found guilty of treason...

and are sentenced to beheading by guillotine.

On the day of the triple execution, they are brought to be beheaded. The priest blesses the execution, saying all is done in God's name, and the King orders the three executed.

The mathematician is to be killed first, and the executioner gi...

In the late 1940s a group of physicists got their hands on a battleship gun barrel to use for their experiments.

So they modified and used the barrel as a particle accelerator.

But the problem was that the actual machines they used for the experiment was on one end of of the barrel or the other. So it was very difficult for them to adjust parts of the experiment.

So what they did is that they wo...

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An old Indian joke. Hope it wasn’t posted before!

A man enters a scientific convention on a whim and there he hears the speaker raising a question to the audience.

“What is the fastest thing known to man?”

The scholars decide to give different answers based on their area of expertise.

The philosopher knowing they can defend t...

A physicist, engineer, and mathematician are asked by a local farmer to build the smallest fence they possibly can to hold in all of his sheep.

The physicist builds a big fence and slowly reduces the size until he can't reduce the fence any longer.

The engineer measures each sheep, stacks them in a specific way, and then builds a fence around them.

The mathematician builds a small fence around himself, then defines himself to ...

An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a statistician all walk into different rooms, each containing a bucket of water and a garbage can that is on fire.

The engineer walks into his room. He sees the fire, then sees the bucket. He immediately grabs the bucket and dumps the whole thing on the fire to put it out.

The physicist walks into his room and sees the fire and bucket. He takes out a sheet of paper and calculates exactly how much water he...

Word has it Matt Damon will reprise his role as a CIA assassin, but this time he'll pretend to be a physicist specializing in scattering theory.

Title: "The Bourne Approximation"

A physicist, a biologist, and a chemist were going to the ocean for the first time.

The physicist saw the ocean and was fascinated by the waves. He said he wanted to do some research on the fluid dynamics of the waves and walked into the ocean. He never returned.

The biologist said he wanted to do research on the flora and fauna inside the ocean and walked inside the ocean. ...

Some quantum physicists play twister at a party

Later that day, one of them spontaneously flattens and three seconds later the other is hit by a car: they were still entangled.

A physicist, a biologist and a statistician go hunting.

They are hiding together in the bushes and they see a deer 70ft ahead of them. The physicist makes some calculations, aims and fires at the deer. His shot ends up 5ft to the left of the deer. The biologist analyzes the deer's movement, aims and fires. His shot ends up 5ft to the right of the deer. T...

A mathematician , a physicist and an engineer talk about numbers

Mathematician: *π* is the most beautiful number

Physicist: I like *e* most

Engineer: What a coincidence! 3 is my favorite number, too!

Physicists are the only scientists that matter

But mathematicians are the only ones who count

Edit: First time on the front page of /r/Jokes!

Edit 2: #10!

A physicist sits down at a bar and orders two drinks.

He places one in front of the empty seat next to him, while he slowly consumes the other. Upon finishing, he orders another drink. The bartender notices the untouched beverage and motions to it. "Something wrong with this one?" "No," says the physicist, "that one is for my companion." "Oh," say...

Why are physicists still considered "not" cool...

When Thermodynamic entropy is getting cooler all the time?

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician enter a competition

The goal is to surround 10 sheeps with the minimum amount of wood to be used as fence.

The engineer goes first. Armed with the knowledge that the best perimeter to area is a circle, gathers the sheep together and build a circular fence around them.

The crowd goes crazy! That is unbeata...

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An engineer, physicist, and mathematician are friends

One day, the engineer's house catches fire. He uses the fire extinguisher and puts it out.

A few days later, the physicist's house also catches fire. He uses a fire extinguisher as well, but calculates the hottest point of the fire and puts it out effectively.

A month goes by, and the ...

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A Physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician are all locked in separate burning buildings

The Physicist runs to a chalkboard, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds that amount, puts out the fire, and survives.
The engineer pulls out a calculater, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds 10 times tha...

An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist are asked to measure the volume of a pig.

The engineer answers: "we fill a pool to the brim with water, fully immerse the pig, collect the spilled water and measure its weight. The pig will have a volume of 1dm^3 per collected Kg."

The mathematician answers: "we freeze the pig, slice it and integrate the slices' areas to obtain a v...

A quantum physicist and his friend go out for ice cream.

"What's your favourite flavour?" asks the friend.

"Charm," replies the physicist.

His friend looks at him.

"Why is it that whenever I ask you a question," begins the friend, "your answer is always strange?"

"Well it's strange *now*," the physicist protests, "shouldn't hav...

An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician ...

An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, a biologist, and a chemist are each asked to compute the volume of a little red rubber ball.

The mathematician finds the equation of the surface, performs a triple integral, and computes the volume

The physicist dunks the ball in a pool of wat...

A physicist got home after a long day at work

When his 9 year-old daughter was crying.He asked her what she was crying about

"The cat is dying dad!"-Said the daughter while she was petting the old cat

So the physicist went to the back of the house,picked up a carton box,putted the cat in the box and sealed.Then he turned to his da...

A physicist walks into a bar and finds another physicist sitting alone drinking, so he walks up and asks if there's anything wrong.

He responds, "I can't find the variable for the initial height of a problem I'm working on."

The other physicist said, "Y0?"

What did American physicists say to the US government after German scientists discovered how to split atoms?

Don’t worry, theres other fission, DC.

What did the physicist say when he found out the temperature was -273 degrees Celsius?

0K

An amateur physicist was sucked into a black hole

Apparently, he didn't comprehend the gravity of the situation.

A physicist, a biologist and a chemist visit the local beach on a fine day.

The physicist says, "I want to do reasearch about the fluid dynamics of the ocean water."

He walks into the ocean and does not come back.

The biologist says, "I want to do research about the flora and fauna of the ocean."

He, too, walks into the ocean and does not come back.
...

A Physicist, a Mathematics Professor, and a Statistician go out on a hunting trip.

They all spot a deer, sitting out in the open, totally exposed. The mathematics professor loads his rifle, shoots, and misses by 5 inches to the right. The shot shocks the deer and it freezes in place. The physicist then loads his rifle, shoots, and misses by 5 inches to the left. The statistician c...

A chicken farmer is having a problem with the number of eggs the chickens are laying. They hires 3 scientists to help them figure it out, a Biologist, A Chemist, and a Physicist.

The Biologist runs some tests and tells the farmer that the hormone levels are off and a better living condition might help.
The Chemist does some tests and tells the farmer that the feed doesn't contain enough calcium for the birds to produce eggs and suggests changing to a calcium rich diet wou...

What's the difference between a physicist and an engineer?

An engineer and a physicist are roommates. One day a fire starts in the kitchen. The engineer is the only one home. He hears the alarm jumps out of bed grabs the fire extinguisher off the wall and puts out the fire and goes back to bed.

The next night a fire starts in the kitchen again. ...

What did the physicist say to the pirate ?

Walk the Planck

Nuclear Physicist Bartender

How did Nuclear Physicist mix drinks at his party?

With a Piña Collider.

A Physicist, an Engineer, and a Political Scientist are stranded on a deserted island

A Physicist, an Engineer, and a Political Scientist are stranded on a deserted island and are all very hungry. They are delighted to find a large can of beans that has been washed up on the beach. Having no way to open the can they try to find a way to the beans. The physicist states that if he puts...

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A Physicist and an Engineer take turns shooting at a deer.

An engineer, a statistician, and a physicist are out hunting. They spot a buck, and each takes a turn to try and bag it.

The physicist goes first. He pulls out his lab book and quickly calculates the trajectory of the bullet, assuming it is a perfect sphere in a vacuum. The bullet falls 20m s...

Nobel award winning physicist and his limo driver

A Nobel award winning physicist, who was afraid of flying, was on speaking tour of the nation's top colleges. He travelled by limousine to each destination to give his speech.
After two dozen engagements, the physicist and the limousine driver were having dinner before the next speech. The limous...

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A physicist is sitting next to little Johnny on a plane...

The physicist tells Johnny "I call tell about how all kinds of thing work, including the plane or quantum mechanics".

Johnny says "Alright, why is it when a cow poops it plops into these big patties?"

"I don't know" replies the physicist

"Ok, why do horse turds come out all clum...

A biologist, a physicist, and a mathematician...

A biologist, a physicist, and a mathematician are all eating on the patio of a restaurant. Across the street, they see two people walk into a building, and a few moments later three people walk out.

The biologist says, "Oh, they must have reproduced."

The physicist remarks, "There m...

German physicist Werner Heisenberg is pulled over for speeding.

The cop asked, do you know how fast you were going? Heisenberg responds, no but I know exactly where I am.

A physicist flirts with a fat lady.

Physicist: Hey lady, you know why you're hot?

Fat lady: (surprised and shocked) I don't know, why?

Physicist: (whispers) Thermal Expansion!

Fat lady: *slaps*

What do you call a physicist that only drinks one beer?

Einstein.

A physicist moved from the country to the noise of the inner city...

And found the noise there insufferable. But, being a man of science he lined the walls of his apartment with broken Hoover's, Dirt Devil's, and Dyson's, because sound can't travel through a Vacuum.

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