A lawyer, an engineer and an accountant are applying for a job

at the job interview, they each get asked the same simple question, and are told to justify their answer. The question is, "what is two plus two?"

The lawyer takes out his briefcase and produces the 1978 docket wherein the case of Casey vs the State, two plus two was proven to be four.
...

A good accountant says 2+2=4, a bad accountant 2+2=5, a great accountant

Asks what you want 2+2 equal to

Why do dragons make good accountants?

The economies of scale

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference.

At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

They all board the train. The accountan...

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Italian mafia boss hired a deaf accountant, Guido, and after a while he found out his accountant stole 10 million from him.

He goes to pay Guido a visit with his lawyer that knew sign language and to get him to talk where he hid the money.
 He tells the lawyer to translate, "Ask him where the money is!" The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?" Guido replies, "I have no idea what you're talk...

An accountant mathematician and economist was asked the question what is 1+1=?

The mathematician went first and said 2, the economist was next and he said:” well it depends on your assumptions”. Finally, it was the accountants turn he sat there for a few minutes, he then leaned forward and said: ”what do you want to be!”

How does an accountant get rid of constipation?

He works it out with a pencil

an accountant is interviewing for a job

Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?

Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?

Interviewer: You’re hired!

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An east coast accountant decides to go hunting for the first time out west.

He hires a guide and the next day they get up bright and early and begin their adventure.The "green" Hunter suddenly has to take a shit and says to his guide"Man,I really have to use the restroom.Where is it?"

"Are you serious?Were in the middle of Wyoming and your asking where the restroom i...

Did you hear about the constipated accountant?

He worked it out with a pencil.

Three Accountants and Three Engineers [long]

Three accountants and three engineers were boarding a train. The three accountants each bought a ticket, and then noticed confusedly that the engineers only had one ticket between the three of them.

"How can three people travel on a single ticket?" asked the accountants.

"Watch," answe...

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In the men's bathroom, an accountant, a lawyer and a cowboy were standing side-by-side using the urinal.

The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands...clear up to his elbows....he used 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan and they taught us to be clean."

The lawy...

Two Accountants

One day two accountants, who were best friends, were walking together down the street. One was a vegetarian and constantly berated the other for eating meat! After stopping for a hot dog, the vegetarian erupted "Why do you eat meat?, do you even know what's in that hot dog? You know, you are what yo...

A Wall Street accountant asked me if she is too fat for her suit.

I told her she’s too big to fail.

What did the accountant tell the acrobat?

“You have some outstanding balance!”

A lawyer, an accountant, and an actuary are arguing over whether it is better to have a married spouse or an unmarried lover.

The lawyer says a lover because it’s legally easier to disentangle yourself from a lover.
The accountant says a spouse because you can get a tax deduction with a spouse.
The actuary says it’s better to have both because you can lie to each of them, telling each of them that you’re with the o...

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A deaf accountant works for the mafia.

One day, the king pin mafioso is checking out the books and notices there's a million dollars missing. He calls a meeting with the deaf accountant and a sign language translator.

"Ok, there's a million dollars missing, where is it?" asks the king pin. Translator says, "There's a million dolla...

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An accountant found guilty of embezzlement was thrown into a cell with a large, hairy intimidating man

The small accountant had heard stories about how he was going to become the victim in this rough prison to which he had been sentenced. He looked up at the very hairy, sweaty, cell mate and slightly trembled.

The accountant was slightly heartened when the hulking man before him asked, "So, do...

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What is an accountant’s sex tape called?

Excel SpreadCheeks

After our radio station's accountant died in a parachuting accident, the program director told me to play some Tom Petty in rememberance after the obituary, as the accountant liked his music. However, when I did exactly that, he ended up putting my show off air. Dunno why.

Though maybe I shouldn't have played *Free Fallin'*...

An accountant opens up their spreadsheet, only to find all the numbers missing. Their cat is sitting by the desk, looking smug.

I dont know why they're so suprised, cats are good at knocking things off tables.

How did the accountant escape prison?

He was really good at filing.

An arrogant, wealthy man passed away one day

In his will, he entrusted $50,000 in cash to each of his closest advisers: his accountant, his doctor, and his lawyer. In his will, he instructed that each of them was to put all of the money into an envelope and place it into his coffin at his funeral, so he could have his money even after death....

What is an accountant’s favourite Lord of the Rings movie?

The Return of the King

What does an Accountant use for birth control?

His Personality!

A businessman is called up for an IRS audit. He’s really flustered and goes to his accountant for advice.

“Make sure you dress up like a guy who is on the edge of losing money. It will convince the auditor that you are not hiding anything.”

Not satisfied, he goes to his lawyer. He is told: “Dress in your best suit. If you look like a confident businessman, they won’t give you too much trouble.”<...

Did you hear about the constipated accountant?

They couldn’t budget

Eventually they did work it out with a pencil though.

A man goes to an interview for an accountant firm

“In this company, you need to be able to calculate fast without calculator”

“I’ll give it a try. Test me”

“What is 35 x 47?”

The man answers quickly “476”

“That’s not even close”

“Yeah but thats fast”

A doctor, an accountant and an attorney all go to a funeral

At the funeral they see people putting money in the casket. So when the doctor steps up, he pulls out $100 and puts it in. Then the accountant steps up, and he puts in $100 as well. The lawyer steps up, pockets the $200 the two men previously deposited, and writes the dead man a check for $300.

My accountant is tired from doing too many taxes.

He developed H&R block.

Why aren't accountants ever invited to company swim parties?

Their job requires that they point out any shrinkage.

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Why are accountants big grammer nazis?

They get scared when there is no Capital.

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Politics

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on

The first surgeon, from New York, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered..."

The second, from Chicago, responds, "Yeah, bu...

An accountant joke

"dont mess with me, ill drop your credit score so low you wont be able to get a loan from a library"

-The amazing world of gumball

Why do accountants make the best lovers?

Cause they're skilled at double entry

Thanos would make a great accountant

The books would always be balanced.

What is an accountant's fetish?

Double Entry

Why do accountants hate pre-tax income?

It's gross.

An engineer, a lawyer and an accountant are at a job interview

The interviewer asked, what’s 1 + 1.

The engineer draws up a plan and does some measurements and says. “It appears that 1 + 1 is 2”.

The lawyer takes out his law book, checks all the rules then says “according to the law, 1 + 1 is 2”.

The accountant takes out his book and calcul...

A father has three sons. One is an accountant, one is an engineer and the other is a lawyer...

The father asks each of his three sons the same question, "what does two plus two equal?"

The accountant son answers, "four point zero zero."

The engineer son answers "somewhere between 3.9999 and 4.0001."

Finally, the father asks his son the lawyer "what does two plus two equal...

An engineer, a physicist, and an accountant were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation.

The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with: “How much is two plus two?” The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the boardroom and announcing, “Four.”

The physicist was interviewed next, a...

What does an Alaskan accountant and sociopath have in common?

They’re both cold and calculating.

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[Adult] An accountant is sent to prison for tax fraud...

As soon as he is escorted to his cell he is confronted by his new cellmate - 6'3" tall, 280 lbs of muscles... the skinny little accountant realizes all of his fears have come true. His new cellmate towers over him and says "Looks like you and me are gonna be here a long time... wouldn't you agree, b...

Two accountants are trying to get a job...

The first one goes in for his interview. They go over his history and experience, tell him about the company, and all the usual things. Then they ask him to take a test. They bring him to a closed room and he sits at the only table, in the only chair.

When he looks at the test, he sees only ...

A man goes to see his accountant

A man goes to see his accountant about some help filing his taxes.

The accountant: okay I'll just need some information. What do you do for a living?

The man: I'm a dentist.

A: okay, and are you married?

M: yes, i am!

A: okay, and what does your wife do for a livi...

Why are cowboys bad at being accountants?

Because they always round up.

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A scrawny accountant goes to prison.

His first night there he meets his cell mate, a huge burly tattooed dangerous looking man. His cell mate says to him, “listen here fucker we’re going to play house, now do you want to be the man or do you want to be the wife?” The accountant thinks about it for a minute and answers meekly, “well I ...

A group of robbers burst into a bank and line everybody inside up against the wall.

They then proceed to take anything of monetary value from the people. Among those about to be robbed are two bank accountants.
Suddenly, one of them thrusts something into the hand of the other.
“What’s this?” He whispered.
“It’s the fifty bucks I owe you.”

A physicist, a statistician, and an accountant all apply for the same position...

The interviewers first call in the physicist. "We have only one question," they tell him. "What is 500 plus 500?" The physicist, without hesitation, says "1000."
The committee sends him out and calls in the statistician. When the statistician comes in, they ask the same question. The statisticia...

After many years as an accountant, I was asked to take a personality test.

The results came back negative.

An accountant and a lawyer were laying on a beach in Hawaii sipping mai tai's

The lawyer started telling the accountant how he came to be there.

"I had this downtown property in Memphis that caught fire and after the insurance paid off, I came here."

The accountant said, "I had a downtown property, too, in Miami. It got flooded so here I am with the insuranc...

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