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A deaf accountant works for the mafia.

One day, the king pin mafioso is checking out the books and notices there's a million dollars missing. He calls a meeting with the deaf accountant and a sign language translator.

"Ok, there's a million dollars missing, where is it?" asks the king pin. Translator says, "There's a million dolla...

What do you get when you mix an accountant with a giant jet airplane?

A Boring 747.

Why aren't accountants ever invited to company swim parties?

Their job requires that they point out any shrinkage.

A man goes to an interview for an accountant firm

“In this company, you need to be able to calculate fast without calculator”

“I’ll give it a try. Test me”

“What is 35 x 47?”

The man answers quickly “476”

“That’s not even close”

“Yeah but thats fast”

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An accountant found guilty of embezzlement was thrown into a cell with a large, hairy intimidating man

The small accountant had heard stories about how he was going to become the victim in this rough prison to which he had been sentenced. He looked up at the very hairy, sweaty, cell mate and slightly trembled.

The accountant was slightly heartened when the hulking man before him asked, "So, do...

A matematician, a philosopher and an accountant are applying for an important position within a prestigious company

During the interview the CEO askes each of them a simple question: how much is 2+2?

The matematician: Definitely 4, no doubt about it!

The philosopher: The answer in itself is not important, what matters is why did the question manifest itself.

The accountant, leaning forward an...

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Why are accountants big grammer nazis?

They get scared when there is no Capital.

A mobster discovers that his deaf accountant has cheated him out of 10 million bucks.

He confronts him, bringing along an interpreter. "Ask him where the money is," the mobster says.

The interpreter does so, and the accountant signs back, "What are you talking about?"

The interpreter tells the godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The mo...

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A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant.

The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant does not answer. The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpr...

An accountant joke

"dont mess with me, ill drop your credit score so low you wont be able to get a loan from a library"

-The amazing world of gumball

One day two accountants, who were best friends, were walking together down the street. One was a Hindu and constantly berated the other for eating meat!

After stopping for a hot dog, the Hindu erupted "Why do you eat meat?, Do you even know what's in that hot dog? You know, you are what you eat!"

The American replied "I am what I eat, an uncontrollable vicious animal (beating his chest)"

As they stepped off the curb a speeding car ca...

Did you hear about the constipated accountant?

He couldn't budget

Why do accountants make the best lovers?

Cause they're skilled at double entry

Thanos would be a great Accountant.

Because he is all about Balancing .

What is an accountant's fetish?

Double Entry

What does an Alaskan accountant and sociopath have in common?

They’re both cold and calculating.

Why do accountants hate pre-tax income?

It's gross.

An engineer, a lawyer and an accountant are at a job interview

The interviewer asked, what’s 1 + 1.

The engineer draws up a plan and does some measurements and says. “It appears that 1 + 1 is 2”.

The lawyer takes out his law book, checks all the rules then says “according to the law, 1 + 1 is 2”.

The accountant takes out his book and calcul...

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[Adult] An accountant is sent to prison for tax fraud...

As soon as he is escorted to his cell he is confronted by his new cellmate - 6'3" tall, 280 lbs of muscles... the skinny little accountant realizes all of his fears have come true. His new cellmate towers over him and says "Looks like you and me are gonna be here a long time... wouldn't you agree, b...

My accountant is actually a prostitute

It's the thot that counts.

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A scrawny accountant goes to prison.

His first night there he meets his cell mate, a huge burly tattooed dangerous looking man. His cell mate says to him, “listen here fucker we’re going to play house, now do you want to be the man or do you want to be the wife?” The accountant thinks about it for a minute and answers meekly, “well I ...

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A woman walks into an accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask a few questions.”

He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, “What is your occupation?”

The woman replies, “I’m a whore.” The accountant balks and says, “No, no, no. That will never work. That is much...

An engineer, a physicist, and an accountant were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation.

The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with: “How much is two plus two?” The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the boardroom and announcing, “Four.”

The physicist was interviewed next, a...

A man goes to see his accountant

A man goes to see his accountant about some help filing his taxes.

The accountant: okay I'll just need some information. What do you do for a living?

The man: I'm a dentist.

A: okay, and are you married?

M: yes, i am!

A: okay, and what does your wife do for a livi...

Why are cowboys bad at being accountants?

Because they always round up.

Two accountants are trying to get a job...

The first one goes in for his interview. They go over his history and experience, tell him about the company, and all the usual things. Then they ask him to take a test. They bring him to a closed room and he sits at the only table, in the only chair.

When he looks at the test, he sees only ...

A group of accountants and a group of engineers take a trip together on a train

The 3 accountants each buy tickets, but the 3 engineers only buy one ticket to share. "How do you think that's going to work?" asks one of the accountants. "You'll see.", an engineer responds.

As the train leaves the station, all 3 of the engineers pile into a bathroom and when the conductor ...

Did you hear about the guy who got 10 years in jail for using imaginary numbers?

He was an accountant.

A father has three sons. One is an accountant, one is an engineer and the other is a lawyer...

The father asks each of his three sons the same question, "what does two plus two equal?"

The accountant son answers, "four point zero zero."

The engineer son answers "somewhere between 3.9999 and 4.0001."

Finally, the father asks his son the lawyer "what does two plus two equal...

An accountant and a lawyer were laying on a beach in Hawaii sipping mai tai's

The lawyer started telling the accountant how he came to be there.

"I had this downtown property in Memphis that caught fire and after the insurance paid off, I came here."

The accountant said, "I had a downtown property, too, in Miami. It got flooded so here I am with the insuranc...

A sister from a local convent became a Certified Public Accountant to help small shop owners manage their finances better.

Her title: "Nun of Your Business."

After many years as an accountant, I was asked to take a personality test.

The results came back negative.

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What did one horny tax accountant say to the other?

Let's climb into bed and spreadsheets

How did the accountant solve his constipation problem?

The same way he solves all his problems - he worked it out with a pencil.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This Halloween I'm going as a slutty accountant

You know, it's the thot that counts

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference.

At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

”How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks an accountant.

”Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer. All of them board the train.

The accounta...

The accountant

One morning an accountant comes in to work. His coworker says he looks terrible. The accountant responds, "Yeah, I didn't sleep a wink last night." The coworker says, "Well, did you try counting sheep?" The accountant says, "Yeah, I did. I started at 11:00. At 2:00 AM I found I had miscounted ...

A physicist, a statistician, and an accountant all apply for the same position...

The interviewers first call in the physicist. "We have only one question," they tell him. "What is 500 plus 500?" The physicist, without hesitation, says "1000."
The committee sends him out and calls in the statistician. When the statistician comes in, they ask the same question. The statisticia...

Accounting Joke (from my professor)

A priest, a lawyer, and an accountant were all at the bedside of a very ill man. The man said to them,

"Gentlemen, I'm dying. Before I go, however, I want to ask you one final favor: My family is rotten and I don't want to give any of them an inheritance. I would like to be buried with the r...

An economist, an accountant and a lawyer decided to gamble....

And that's how stock markets came into existence!!!

An accountant and an economist are walking through a forest...

They encounter a frog.

"I bet you $100 you won't lick it," says the economist The accountant, daring, licks the frog and receives $100.

They walk further, see another frog.

"Lick this frog, and you get your $100 back!" says the accountant. The economist looks at his friend in th...

an accountant, builder and an assassin were discussing their income

The builder winks.
"I get enough for beers and bazonkas if you know what I mean."
The accountant laughs.
"I get double whatever the builder gets!"
The assassin looked up from his drink and grins.
"I'm not giving any numbers, but lets just say I make a killing."

Wife says to her Accountant husband

Wife: what is inflation?


Husband: Earlier you were 36-24-36. But now you are 48-40-48.
Though you have everything bigger than before, your value has become less than before. This is INFLATION

Why should you hire an accountant that went to culinary school?

Because they know how to cook the books.

Why can't you fight an accountant ?

They'll always out number you!

What did the American accountant say to his British counterpart?

Mind the GAAP.

A philosopher, mathematician, and accountant were asked what 1+1=?

The philosopher responded, "The idea of 'sameness' is a human construct, so 1+1=2 in the sense that the objects one is adding together are the same in his or her mind. As a simple example, one cannot add together an apple and a monkey, but one apple plus another certainly equals two apples because t...

Why did the dentist's accountant get arrested?

Incisor's trading.

I went for lunch with my accountant and he ordered a bowl of insects...

Then he started picking out just the really juicy looking ants and popping them in his mouth like m&ms.

I said "What the hell are you doing?"

"I only handle finance." he said.

Did you hear about the constipated accountant?

He couldn't Budget<drops mic>

Ironically I'm an Accountant and have Chron's so this is not my problem.

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A Mafia Don hires a deaf accountant.

He was pleased with himself for coming up with the idea; if the man could not hear, he would not be able to testify against the Don about what was said amongst him and his capos.

One day, after several months of working near this man, he notices the accountant acting nervous and fidgety. Sudd...

How to tell the difference between a bad, a good and an excellent accountant ?

When you ask them "2+2 is ?":

- The bad accountant will say "5"

- The good accountant will say "4"

- The excellent accountant will say "how much do you want?"

What do accountants use for birth control?

Their personalities.

Two engineers and two accountants hop onto a train (Long)

While talking to each other, the engineers reveal that they only bought one ticket.
"That will never work!" The accountants explain.
"Watch." reply the engineers.
So right before the ticket-master comes by, both engineers go into one of the restrooms. When the ticket-master knocks on the do...

I told my accountant my favorite letter is W

He said his favorite letter is W-2.

A small business owner in financial trouble was told by his accountant that he needed to cut staff

The accountant said, "Jack and Susan have the highest salaries, so one of them will have to be laid off."

The owner replied, "Susan is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I'll have to think this over, and maybe discuss it with both of them."


The next morning, the o...

Why did the Founding Fathers hire accountants from Prague?

They needed a system of Czechs and balances.

Why couldn't the accountant keep his car in working order?

Because it broke down and he couldn't budget.

An accountant at a bank was constipated

Apparently he couldn't budget, but he worked it out with a pencil and paper and it was all good.

Why are the best accountants twins from Prague?

Because they always double Czech their work!

"Two accountants go to their credit union!!"

Two accountants go to their credit union on their lunch break, when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, and other valuables. While th...

A dog applies for a job as an accountant...

So a dog goes in for an interview at an accountant's. Unfortunately the manager HATES dogs for some obscure reason from his youth.

Anyways, the manager tells the dog that it's got to pass three tests, else it can't be hired.

"First, you've got to be good with computers."

The do...

Accounting Joke: Why did the accountant cross the road?

Because that's what they did last year.

An accountant goes to the doctor...

An accountant knocks on the door of his doctor's surgery and walks in.
"Hello, doctor. Please help. I just don't know what's wrong with me. Goodbye." With that he turns around and walks out.

----

30 seconds later he is back. "Hello again, doctor. Please help. I just don't know wha...

Why are all of the accountants supporting Hillary Clinton?

They want to save 20%.

Why did the accountant go crazy?

He started to hear invoices in his head.

Why can't accountants get library cards?

They're book-keepers.

A lawyer, a doctor and an accountant

So a lawyer, a doctor and an accountant are in a class. The professor writes 2+2=? On the board and asks all three of them what the answer is.

The lawyer says "well it's four"

The doctor says "if we take away the plus sign we can push both two's together to make twenty two"

And...

Can anyone please post some good accountant jokes? Meeting with one tomorrow.

Can anyone please post some good accountant jokes? Meeting with one tomorrow.

Thanks

Economics Joke

As an Economics major, I found this joke summed up the field pretty well.

"A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.

The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "F...

Accountants on a train (long)

Three lawyers and three accountants stood in line to buy tickets for a train ride to the city. The three accountants bought only one ticket between them, while the three lawyers bought one ticket each.

After the men got on the train, one of the lawyers asked one of the accountants, “Why did y...

An engineer, physicist and mathematician are in an interview (with no accountants) ...

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are in an interview.
The engineer is asked, 'What is 2+2?'. The engineer instantly pulls out his calculator, but since its floating point processor firmware has a bug, 2+2 gives him 3.999 which he tells the panel.
The physicist is asked the same q...

Laziness is the engine of progress.

The accountant printed out 50 absolutely clean sheets on the printer. To the question “Why?”, she replied that she needed 50 blank sheets, and she did not want to count them manually.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

5 surgeons discussing who makes the best patients to operate on

The first surgeon, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." The second, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon, says, "No, I really think librarian...

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Two builders go into the pub (L)

Two builders go into the pub after a hard day's work. They're sat drinking for a while when a very smartly dressed man walks in and orders a drink. The two began to speculate about what the man did for a living.

"I'll bet he's an accountant." said the first builder.

"Looks more like a ...

I got fired for not accepting a raise at my job this week because I didn't want to lose money paying higher taxes in the next bracket.

I sure feel bad for the accountant they hire to replace me.

Why did Trump invite George W Bush to the white house?

His accountant said he needed a W2 for taxes