I just got fired from my job as a taxi driver.

Turns out people don’t like it when you go the extra mile for them.

Boy: What's a palindrome?

Teacher: racecar

{10 years later}

Boy: [bursting out of bank in ski mask] where's the palindrome

Getaway driver: [sitting in kayak]

The driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig

and ploughed into an empty toll booth, smashing it to pieces. Some time after the driver had reported the damage, he watched as a repair truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers. They picked up each broken piece of the wreckage and spread a creamy substance on it. Then they began fittin...

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A Hippie sits next to a young Nun on the bus and asks her if he could have sex with her?

The Nun, very upset, says “NO! I am married to God!!" and gets off the bus disgusted.

The bus driver sees all this. He tells the hippie “She prays every Tuesday night at midnight in the graveyard...
why don't you dress up in a hooded robe; go to the graveyard and tell her you are God and d...

President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road one night

President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly.

Trump told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Trump sees his driver staggering back...

The joke about the priest and an bus driver

(If i have mistakes in my writing,i am sorry cuz english is NOT my prime language)
Ok so a priest and a bus driver were at the gates of heaven,and they were greeten by jesus himself.BUT here is the plot twist.Jesus only lets the bus driver in heaven but not the priest.
The priest:Excuse me Jes...

A truck driver carrying 6 penguins got into an accident

A car driver stop by and ask if everybody is alright.

The truck driver says to the car driver if he could help and take the 6 penguins to the Zoo for him, while he fixes his truck. The car driver more than happy to help, takes the 6 penguins and leave.

Few days later, the t...

A male driver is pulled over by a cop Man: What's the problem officer?

Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.

Man: No sir, I was going 65.

Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.

(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken
tail light.

Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know abou...

Just paid $350 on a limo, but found out it didn't include a driver

All that money with nothing to chauffeur it

The taxi drivers in my town are kinda loopy and a little stupid.

I mean they always recommend I take an Uber next time!? They're always forgetting basic skills like the English alphabet so I have to spell it out for 'em, I've had to show them how to use their inhalers several times and without fail they're always asking if I know why they pulled me over.

A policeman pulls over a car. As he goes up to the driver’s window, he realizes he pulled over two priests.

Embarrassed, he says “Oh excuse me, Fathers. We’re looking for a couple of child molesters.” The priests look at each other, then look at the cop and say “Alright, we’ll do it”

What did Michael Jackson have in common with a second-place NASCAR driver?

They both came in a little behind.

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A taxi driver, new on the job, picks up his first customer.

The driver then started to head to the location designated by the passenger. A few minutes had passed and the whole trip had been quiet ever since. The radio wasn't even turned on.

The passenger is very interpersonal so he started to strike a conversation to break the silence.

"Hey, ma...

An old grandma brings the bus driver peanuts every single day.

First the bus driver enjoyed the peanuts but after a week of eating them he asked: "Please granny, don't bring me peanuts anymore. Have them yourself.". 

The granny answers: "You know, I don't have teeth anymore. I just prefer to suck the chocolate around them."

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A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.

He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.

There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver ...

A Taxi driver walked into a bar

"Anyone here call a taxi?" He asked

"Over there" replied a stern voice.

The Taxi driver turned his head to see a gruff old man pointing to a young fellow in his thirties snoozing at a table.

The taxi driver walked over to the young man and saw a note next to his head.

...

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Today, I took my Golf balls and My Driver to the Range to practice my accuracy.

After hitting every single golf ball, I can successfully confirm that my Ex has no Windows left in her house.

In a bus packed with passengers, a woman and a man stood glued together and the driver was constantly hitting the brakes!

Woman: You have something that's poking me.

Man: Oh sorry, that's my salary money in the pocket of my pants.

Woman: Your salary has increased a lot in the last five minutes.

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:


"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I coul...

Just spent £300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn't include a driver.

Can't believe I spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it.

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I left a message for the delivery driver telling him I'd be back in fifteen minutes.

I pulled into the driveway two hours later and he came racing up to me.

"Where the fuck have you been? I was waiting all day."

"Now you know how we feel."

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Why can’t they teach drivers ed and sex ed on the same day in Mexico?

They had to give the donkey a break at some point

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I hate those drivers that try to overtake you on a main road doing 40. I always try to slow down and block them, no matter how much they horn or flash their lights.

Fuck ambulances, I swear.

Lots of women are turning into good drivers nowadays

So if you are a good driver watch out

I keep getting the same French Uber driver

Serge Pricing.

A doctor and a bus driver are both in love with the same woman, an attractive girl named Sarah. The bus driver had to go on a long bus trip that would last a week. Before he left, he gave Sarah seven apples.

When Sarah asked why he said, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away."

A famous professor is going around giving lectures. After he finishes one up in Denver, he climbs into his car and talks to his driver.

"Hey Bill, take me back to the hotel please"

"Yes sir. Ya know, Dr. Diller, I've heard your lecture so many times I bet I could recite it word for word"

"Oh, you really think so? Well, if I ever can't make it to a conference one day, I'll take you up on that bet."

Well, believe ...

My friend got 9/10 on his drivers test

One jumped out of his way

Taxi driver

I was in a taxi today and the taxi driver said, "I love my job, I'm my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do..." Then I said, "turn Left"

Why should you be worried if you get Walter White as your Uber driver?

Because he’ll be braking bad.

Drunk driver

This isn't so much a joke as it is a true story that happened to me. My buddy always got a kick out of it and it makes me laugh. Delete if not allowed.


My friends wife left him and I went to his house to drink beer and play music. We had a great time and somewhere around 3am I st...

Explaining my embarrassing transportation kink to a bus driver

"Excuse me, this is where I normally get off"

I'm very bad at being a taxi driver

I always seem to drive my customers away

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A LONG ONE( but worth it): One wet, cold morning...

A bus driver was just starting along his route. It was still dark and raining and the temperature hovered just above freezing.

As he approached the first stop on his route he could see some poor soul laying on the bench. He stopped the bus, opened the doors and called out to the soaking wet p...

Train driver

My boss said to me, “you're the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?”

I said, “I'm not sure; it's hard to keep track.”

It's not difficult to be a taxi driver if you're dyslexic.

It's easy as CAB

Drunk driver

A preacher was driving home late one night.

A little ways down the road he noticed the car in front of him was swerving a lot. Must be a drunk driver he thought.

The preacher went to pass him and the drunk swerved over.

Trying to avoid an accident, the preacher swerves out o...

Bob moved to Australia and started working as a train driver.

So he worked as a train driver. One day, he crashed the train and all the passengers died, so he was sentenced to death. On his last meal, Bob asked the guards for a banana. However when he was put onto the electric chair, the chair didn't work, so he got released.

So Bob was released, and co...

After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than he.

“I don’t understand,” he complained to God. “I devoted my entire life to my congregation.”

God explained to him, “Our policy here in heaven is to reward results. Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?”

“Well,” the minister had to admit, “some in the ...

A driver flagged me down the other day and said, "I've broken down and could do with a lift"

I told them that their hair looked nice and drove off.

"Dad, what's a drunk driver?"

"You see those two cars over there, son? A drunk person would see four of them."

"Dad, there's only one car over there."

What did the manual car say to the new driver ?

You really grind my gears !

So I said to the taxi driver

'King Arthur' s close'. He said, '"Don't worry, we'll lose him at the next set of lights'.

Back seat drivers... They’re all the same

“Let me go”, “why are you taking me in to the woods”

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A passenger tapped the taxi driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up the footpath and stopped inches from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, “Buddy, don’t ever do that again. You scared the shit out of me!”

The passenger after apologi...

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Playing truck driver...nsfw

I ran into a kid sittin’ on the curb.

He would eat an m&m, bite his cat on the ass, and move on down the curb. Eat and m&m, bite his cat on the ass, and move on down the curb.

I said son, “what are you doing?”

He said, “playin truck driver.”

I said, “tru...

What do an uber eats driver and a gynecologist have in common?

They can both smell it but can't eat it.

A drunk driver is dangerous, everyone knows that.

But so is a drunk back seat driver, if he's persuasive.

"Dude make a left!"

"Those are trees..."

"Trust me."

I've got all the qualifications required to be a taxi driver.

I don't speak English and I can't drive.

Officer stops a man for speeding— notices he's not wearing his required prescription glasses.

Officer says, "I have to give you a ticket for not wearing your glasses."

Driver says, "But Officer, I have contacts."

Officer says, "I don't care who you know, you're still getting a ticket."

Did you guys hear about the banana that acted as a getaway driver?

He peeled out and split.

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What’s the difference between pornstars and Texas Drivers?

Nothing, they both suck.

A blonde lady cop pulls over a blond lady driver

The cop approaches and says license and registration please. The blonde driver says what’s a license? The blonde cop rolls her eyes and says it’s a little rectangular thing with your face on it. The driver searches in her purse and finds a make-up mirror, seeing her face she says Oh! Here it is. The...

A priest and a permanently drunken bus driver from the same village come to the pearly gates and request entry to heaven.

St. Peter says to the priest " You wait two years," and to the bus driver, " You go straight in."

The priest protests, " How come? I have been preaching every Sunday for so many years - and he is nothing but a drunken bus driver."

St. Peter replies, "Listen, when you preached, they all...

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Whats the difference between Hitler and a Nascar driver?

The nascar driver can actually finish a race.

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.

The optician showed him a card with the letters

' Z A S T R Z E Z Y N S K I '

'Can you read this?' the optician asked.

'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

The Driver has Solomon's Wisdom

Two women in a bus were fighting bitterly over the last seat available.

The conductor already tried to intervene but to no avail. So the driver shouted, "Let the ugly one take the seat!"

Both women stood for the rest of the journey.

a taxi driver in New York picks up a nun...

after a while of driving the nun notices the driver staring intensely at her through the mirror. Curiosity took hold and she asked him why he was looking so intently at her.
"you see," says the driver "I have always fantasized about kissing a nun."
"Are you married?" asked the nun "and are yo...

A cab driver picks up a nun.

She gets into the cab,but the driver can't stop staring at her.She asks him why is he staring.He replies,"I have a question for you but I don't want to offend you.She answers,"My son,you cannot offend me.When your as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have,you get a chance to see and hear ...

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A truck driver, who's been on the road for two months, walks into a brothel

He slams a thousand dollar note on the receptionist's table and says "Give a cheese sandwich and one of your ugliest women"

The receptionist, quite taken aback, says "Why sir, for that money I could give you a seven course meal and two of our best women"

The truck driver says "Look lad...

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers,

A state trooper sees a car puttering along at twenty-two miles per hour. He thinks to himself “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turned on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car he notices there are five old ladies—two in the front seat and three in the back—wi...

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The Little Kid and The Bus Driver

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver.

The little kid starts yelling, " If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull."

The bus driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continued with, "If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elepha...

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At age 4, success is not peeing in your pants. At age 12, success is having friends. At Age 16, success is having a driver's license. At age 20, success is having sex. At age 35, success is having money.

At age 50, success is having money.

At age 60, success is having sex.

At age 70, success is having a driver's license.

At age 75, success is having friends.

At age 80, success is not peeing in your pants.

Why are truck drivers always in accidents?

Because they are semi drivers.

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A group of train drivers go on strike.

This is authorised industrial action from there union, as the company were making cutbacks to the safety equipment. However a lot of them have nothing to do, so decide that there should a be a party somewhere. This issue is no one can decide where.

Eventually, the union rep stands up and says...

I think I'm a good driver.

I never caused a bluescreen.

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An ugly man walks into a bar and a beautiful woman approaches him...

... the woman asks the man, "How would you like to get out of here?" and the man is stunned. He never thought a woman like her would ever approach him so he agrees. They both get into his car and drive really far. He stops at a cliff with the view of the whole city. Within seconds they start taking ...

One night at a local bar frequented by a bunch of deer hunters who were waiting for the opening day of deer season, the local sheriff scoped out the joint for possible drunk drivers.

As he waited, eventually a patron stumbled out of the bar, fumbled for his keys, tried them in three different cars until he finally found his, got inside and rested his head on the steering wheel. The deputy knew he had his drunk driver, so now all he had to do was wait for him to start his engine ...

A famous scientist was on his way to a lecture in yet another university when his driver offered an idea.

"Hey, boss, I've heard your speech so many times I bet I could deliver it and give you the night off." "Sounds great," the scientist said. When they got to the auditorium, the scientist put on the driver's hat and settled into the back row. The driver walked on the stage delivered the speech. Afterw...

Why was Helen Keller a bad driver?

Because she was a woman

One day a 12-year-old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and the driver lowered a window.

"I’ll give you a large bag of M&Ms if you get in the car," said the driver.

"No way! Get lost!" replied the boy.

"How about a bag of M&Ms and 10 dollars?" the driver asked.

"I said no way," replied the boy.

"What about a bag of M&Ms and 50 dollars?" asked the ...

A Lebanese taxi driver is burning through every red light when his terrified passenger speaks up...

"Aren't you afraid someone will crash into us?"

"Nah. Everyone in town knows me and they won't dare to cross their lights without checking for me."

Finally, he reaches a light which turns green. He suddenly stops.

The passenger asks him "I understand about the red light. Why sto...

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A drunk woman, stark naked, gets into a taxi in New York City.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman, but made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back at him and said
"What's wrong with you, honey? Haven't you seen a naked woman before?"

The old Jewish guy slowly answered "Let me tell...

Why do truck drivers love the 1st day of June?

Only four more sleeps 'til Christmas

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A cop pulls over a driver...

A cop pulls over a driver and says that because he was wearing his seatbelt he had just won $1,000 in a safety competition.

“What are you going to do with the prize money?” the officer asked.

The man responded “I guess I’ll go to driving school and get my license.”

At that momen...

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How my Husband and I Terrified a Taxi Driver

My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre.

Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat ...

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A pilot, a captain, and a driver were all stuck in a blimp headed straight towards a city.

The pilot, wanting to save himself from crashing, says “let me steer this blimp off course and land us safely. As a pilot, I have years of experience controlling flying vehicles. A blimp surely can’t be much different from a plane.”

The captain then butted in and said “No, let me take the whe...

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Why don't they teach sex education and driver education on the same day in the Middle East?

Doing so would be far too exhausting for the camel.

My marriage is like Drivers Ed

Where my wife is in the driving seat and I am in the passenger seat with a training wheel which does not really do anything.

As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming, don't stop the car!.. We won't make it!.. We won't!.. Can't!" "Driver, hurry!" I yelled..

"Her contractions are getting closer together!"

Did you hear about the screenwriter who was so distracted from working on a screenplay in his head, he stepped into a crosswalk and got hit by a hit-and-run driver?

Another victim of a cross site scripting attack.

I hate Russian drivers

Because they keep Stalin me

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A horse, Dave and his boss, the Pope, a cab driver, a drunk and his wife...

A horse, Dave and his boss, the Pope, a cab driver, a drunk and his wife, a ventriloquist and a Welshman, two kids and their mother, three captives, a teacher and little Johnny, and a preacher and little Sally walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of a joke?"

Th...

Why did the blonde fail her driver's test?

The guy told her it was time to park, so she climbed into the back seat.

Why was the dog in the driver's seat of the limousine?

It was hired to show fur!

What clubs do drivers belong to?

Golf clubs

A truck driver sees a naked man tied to a tree off to the side of the road.

He pulls his rig to the side and approaches the man. The man says to him, "Oh, thank God you're here. I pulled into a gas station to get some gas. I was robbed at gun point, thrown into the trunk of my car and then driven here. Then they stripped me of all of my clothes, took my wedding ring and dro...

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Once there was an American bus driver with a terrible habit.

Every time he saw an old lady approach the bus, he’d jingle his bell and vroom away just as they put one foot on the bus, leaving them to die on the pavement. Now, after a few months of him doing this, he was caught and sentenced to death. They put him in the electric chair, booped the button, and n...

A police officer stops a speeding car and walks up to the driver

"Do you know you were going 20 km/h over the speed limit ?"

The guy respond : "How am I supposed to know ? I don't have a license".

His wife, sitting on the passenger seat, interjects : "Don't listen to him, he's drunk."

Their kid, on the backseat, sighs "I knew we weren't goin...

The officer strolled up to my driver side window and angrily asked, "Sir, have you been drinking? Your eyes are red."

I looked up at him and inquired, "Officer, have you been eating donuts? Your eyes are glazed."

Why is Radon the designated driver?

Because Hydrogen and Helium are always too high

Atheist Bus Driver

(Turkish Joke, couldn't find it on Reddit, hopefully the translation does justice)

So I met a guy in jail whose nickname was "Atheist". I finally asked him why everyone called him this way; so he started telling his story:

"Well, I was a bus driver in our village. One day while driving...

With Christmas coming up, my wife asked our 3 year old what do you know about Jesus? To which she replies "well I know he's a bad driver and a moron"

Because every time I'm in the car with Daddy, all he ever says is "Jesus Christ learn how to drive you freaking moron"

My computer just crashed

I think it’s due to a bad driver.

I know a guy who's trying to be an independent taxi driver, but he keeps getting stiffed by his customers.

I mean, he drives randos all around town all day, and he has nothing to chauffeur it.

So I hit another vehicles bumper the other day, so we both pulled over to the side of the road. The driver got out. I noticed he was a dwarf, he shouted, "I'm not happy!"

I replied, "then which one are you?"

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I saw a stolen BMW today. I decided to call the police.

“Yes officer, I’ve just seen a stolen vehicle out here on the highway, westbound”

“With all due respect, civilian, there are hundreds, thousands of vehicles out there, it is incredibly difficult to spot a stolen vehicle if you don’t have the training for it. Did you see a smashed window or so...

What did the bus driver say to the one-legged man?

Hop on.

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A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport.

It was after midnight. While enroute to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For 100 dollars, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom....

My mate punched my driver for pulling into the cycle lane...

He\`s a bit of a CYCLE-PATH.......





yeah its bad..

Race car driver Niki Lauda died today.

He was buried by his pit crew, 3.4 secs later.

Don’t know what was wrong with the delivery driver this morning.

He was all smiles until I signed his touch screen thing, then he got all shouty and mad.

I was so scared I dropped my sharpie and just closed the door.

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There was this guy at a bar looking at his drink but not drinking. He stayed like this for half an hour. A few minutes later, a big built truck driver walks in and sits next to him and takes the drink from the guy & gulps it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver perplexed asks the guy, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a grown ass man cry."

"No, it's not that," the man replies, wiping his tears.

"Today is the worst day of my life.

...

What do bus drivers put on their morning pancakes?

Traffic jam

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My first time posting on /r/Jokes was like being a UPS driver.

Because I fucked up the delivery

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Why did the NAZI fail drivers ED?

He succeeded on two left turns but failed on the third reich

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