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Civil Engineer: Lets build a bridge!

Rude Engineer: Fuck you!

What’s the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a civil engineer were having a drink after work

As they drank, the conversation turned to God. Obviously, he was an engineer! But what sort of engineer?

The mechanical engineer brought up the perfection of the human joints and musculature. Surely that proved God was a mechanical engineer!

The electrical engineer responded that, wi...

Civil engineer goes to Hell

A civil engineer dies and goes to Hell by accident. According to policy, all civil engineers go to Heaven but a mistake was made this time. The engineer descends to Hell and he finds the situation miserable. Too much heat, fires, lava, vapor, and everyone is in panic mode. So he goes to have a littl...

Why was the proud civil engineer salty?

He received constructive criticism.

A mechanical, electrical, and civil engineer were discussing God.

The mechanical engineer said, “God had to have been a mechanical engineer. Look at the skeleton and how it’s designed.”

The electrical engineer said, “No, no, no. God was an electrical engineer. Look at the nervous system and the way it works.”

The civil engineer said, “God had to have...

The next time you meet someone who says they're a civil engineer,

Tell them, "That's wonderful! Engineers are usually so rude!"

[sorry, not useful unless you meet a lot of civil engineers]

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For the Civil engineers and contractors of Reddit

Coarse aggregate to sand : “How are you?”

Sand : “I am fine”

A physician, a civil engineer, and a consultant were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world.

The physician remarked, "Well, in the Bible, it says that God created Eve from a rib taken out of Adam. This clearly required surgery, and so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world."

The civil engineer interrupted, and said, "But even earlier in the book of Genesi...

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My brother works as a part time civil engineer and part time relationship therapist

He's an expert at building bridges

Even if I end up being a civil engineer I won't build tunnels.

Because it's boring.

God is obviously a Civil Engineer...

... Only a civil engineer would route a sewage system through a playground.

I failed my civil engineering exam today

Apparently, "Mexicans" wasn't an appropriate answer to the question "What is commonly found behind walls?"

A computer scientist, a surgeon, and a civil engineer joke

A computer scientist, a surgeon, and a civil engineer were gathered at the pub. The surgeon boasts, Surgery is the oldest technology in the world. It’s in the Bible. God removed Adam’s rib while he slept. This is clear evidence that surgery pre-dates all other technological endevors. Without so much...

Three engineers were sitting in a bar talking about God

The electrical engineer says "God is clearly an electrical engineer. Look at the nervous system! The vast network of nerves and all those neurons firing..."

The mechanical engineer jumps in "No, God is obviously a mechanical engineer. What better example of the power of levers than the muscle...

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3 Engineers

3 Engineers are discussing God and the human body.

The first Engineer says God has to be an Electrical Engineer, who else could wire up such a complicated system?

The second Engineer says God has to be a Structural Engineer, who else could build such a strong and sturdy frame?

...

Why did the road cross the road?

Because civil engineers & urban planners don't like roundabouts!

Three engineering students were discussing how God designed the human body.

The first one says, "God must be a mechanical engineer. Just look at the muscles and joints."

The second one says, "No, God is an electrical engineer. See all those neurons."

The third one said, "Actually, God is a civil engineer. Who else runs a toxic waste pipeline through a recreati...

Three engineers are trying to figure out what sort of engineer God is

The mechanical engineer says "God must be a mechanical engineer. Look at how perfectly our joints are assembled and how fluid our movements are!"

The electrical engineer says "Not at all, God must be an electrical engineer. The bio-electric processes in our brain exceed anything we can invent...

Three Engineers are Discussing God

The structural engineer says "I think God must've been a structural engineer. The musculoskeletal system is perfectly designed to allow us to walk upright."

The electrical engineer says "Interesting, but you are obviously wrong. God is an electrical engineer. The nervous system is so compl...

A group of Engineers are in a bar and the conversation turns to religion,...

The System Engineer says, "God must be an Systems Engineer, look at the design of the human nervous system. Millions of signals flying back and forward at enormous speeds, all controlled by a massively powerful processing system that can make billions of calculations every second. Only the greatest ...

Three different types of engineers are debating which of their fields God must have worked in

A mechanical engineer speaks first. "Look at the joints, look at the tendons and ligaments, look at how strong our bones are. God was clearly a mechanical engineer."


An electrical engineer chimes in. "Are you kidding me? Look at the nerves, look at the way our brain can fire off a c...

A billionaire gets an idea to build a bridge from Los Angeles to Hawaii

He approaches a civil engineer to design this massive bridge for him.

The engineer tells him, “Look, this isn’t a matter of money, it simply can’t be done. The Pacific Ocean is too deep, no concrete beam could support the pressure of the depths, let alone the thousands that would be needed to...

Three engineers are discussing God...

They argue over what kind of engineer God would be. The first engineer says, "God must be a mechanical engineer. Look at how the body moves with all its muscles, bones, joints, ligaments and tendons. The amount of coordination it takes to stand upright, walk and run! He's a mechanical engineer."...

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Three Engineers Are Debating the Nature of God...

They are a mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a software engineer. They each speak their opinion on God's nature in turn.

The mechanical engineer says "God is a mechanical engineer". He proceeds to detail the workings of the human skeletal system, with its intricate joints and...

A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and an architect are sitting around, talking

They get onto the topic of how amazing the human body is. The mechanical engineer says “God must’ve been a mechanical engineer, I mean, look at the human skeletal system, so well put together, amazing how he did that” the electrical engineer says “no, God was an electrical engineer. Not even the bes...

Three Engineers are Discussing God

So, three engineers are sitting around a table at lunch, discussing God.

The first engineer says, "I think God must be a mechanical engineer." and proceeds to explain in depth how only a mechanical engineer could've built the muscle and skeletal system to work so beautifully together.
...

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An Engineer Goes to Hell

One day a civil engineer dies and goes before St Peter. St Peter gravely tells him that he must go to Hell.

So the engineer goes to Hell, looks around and thinks: 'What a shithole. Who designed this place?' So he says 'Hey! Satan...'

A few years later, God discovers that the engineer w...

If God were an engineer...

3 Engineers are sitting at the bar, having a conversation along the lines of "If God were an engineer, what kind of engineer would he be?"

The Mechanical Engineer: "Obviously he was mechanical. Look at the joints, the complex range of motion, the connective tissue. Mechanical Engineer for sur...

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The engineers were discussing God's profession

The mechanical engineer said, "God must be a mechanical engineer. Look at your joints and muscle connections."
The electrical engineer said, "I believe God must be an electrical engineer because your brain, nerves, electrical impulses and shit, just take a look at neurons. No doubt there."
Fi...

My one and only engineer joke.

Three engineering students were discussing what type of engineer created the human body. The first one said “well obviously it’s a chemical engineer because the body couldn’t function without all the chemicals and hormones and everything else.“

The second one said “no no no it’s definitely a...

What do you call a polite man who builds bridges?

A civil engineer

3 engineers are arguing about what kind of engineer God is......

and the mechanical engineer says, "Just look at the muscular system, all the fluid dynamics and joints. God was clearly a mechanical engineer." To which the electrical engineer says. "No, no, no, just look at the nervous system! The way impulses are sent all over the body and how the brain stores in...

Some engineers were arguing about God.

One says, "God was clearly a mechanical engineer. Just look at the structure of the bones, how they're shaped to carry their loads without wasted weight, how the joints interlock to give free movement, how the muscles are optimally placed as actuators with the best leverage."

The second repli...

An engineer encounters a frog...

A Civil engineer, while doing field work, comes across a frog, who suddenly begins to speak to him.

"Sir" she says, "I know this must seem very strange, but I'm actually a woman, cursed to inhabit this frog form. But if you would help me, you could turn me back into a woman with a simple kis...

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A beautiful prostitute attended a high profile function..

When it was time for introductions you could hear, I am Dr this and that, professor this or that, Barristers, engineers this and that.
When it was the turn of the prostitute, she calmly said she is a Civil Engineer.
Another curious engineer in the room got interested and asked her for area o...

Three engineers are discussing God's engineering background.

The first one says, "God was clearly an electrical engineer. The human nervous system is a feat of electrical engineering genius!"

The second one says, "Absolutely not! He was a mechanical engineer. The way the muscles and bones interact are mechanically brilliant!"

The third one says,...

There once was a young engineer...

There once was a young engineer, who after having worked for several years, decided that he and his family should have a weekend getaway place. He searched the surrounding country and found a lovely spot with frontage on a small river. He and his family built a cabin and began spending time there ev...

An engineer dies and goes to heaven.

When he arrives St. Peter looks at the book and scratches his head. He says 'You were involved in some great civil engineering projects so I ought to let you into heaven but you were also involved in weapons programs that resulted in great loss of life' 'I am sorry but you will have to go to hell'. ...

Engineer Jokes!

**#1**
An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail." A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.

Doctor...

What Engineer Designed The Human Body?

Four engineers are arguing over who designed the human body.

The mechanical engineer points to the ways the bones, the muscles, and the tendons are joined together and move so smoothly and efficiently, and claims it must have been a mechanical engineer.

The electrical engineer diagrams...

A group of engineering students were discussing the nature of God.

The first student asserts that God is an electrical engineer, because of all the complex information and control signals running around in our nervous system.
The second student explains that God is a mechanical engineer, because of all the different kinds of activities that the human body can be...

3 engineers are debating what kind of engineer God is

The first, a mechanical engineer, says, "He must be a mechanical engineer. Just think about a pitcher throwing a baseball 100mph, the forces are unreal. God has to be a mechanical engineer."

The second, an electrical engineer, says "No way, he has to be an electrical engineer. Just look at th...

I saw some people building a new bridge near me. Every lunch break they would sit down for afternoon tea complete with tablecloth and napkins.

It was very civil engineering.

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The genie

Three guys, a Canadian, Osama Bin Laden and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie. The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also f...

Three Engineers

A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer and a civil engineer are sitting around and talking about God.

The mechanical engineer says, "God is a mechanical engineer. Just look at the human body - a light-weight skeleton with moving parts holding up a massive frame of muscle and fat. God m...

Three engineers are arguing about which engineering discipline god favors...

The first says "God is an electrical engineer - electricity is fundamental to all life. Electricity is the most transportable, universal energy... it's like the force. Clearly, god is an electrical engineer."

The second pipes up and says "Nah... god must be a chemical engineer, from the bio-...

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