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Works Jokes

Three men walk into a bar. One works for Budweiser, one works for Corona, and one works for Guinness.

"What would you like?" the bartender asks the Budweiser worker.

"I'll have a Budweiser," says the Budweiser worker.

"And you?" the bartender asks the Corona worker.

"I'll have a Corona," responds the Corona worker.

"Let me guess," the bartender says to the Guinness worker...
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What’s black and never works?

Decaffinated coffee you racist bastard

A vasectomy only works if you tell your wife about it

Otherwise she keep on getting pregnant
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Translated from German, I hope this works: What’s 3x3?

No
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What do you call a snake that works for the government?

A civil serpent.
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You know the razor blade works...

when there are no reviews for it on Amazon.
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I slept with a girl who works at Netflix last night

It was pretty cool, she even recommended some girls I might like to sleep with next
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Passenger: why should I have to wear a mask if yours works?

Passenger: why should I have to wear a mask if yours works?

Driver: damn good point *turns off headlights*

Passenger: what are you doing it’s dark

Driver: chill the other cars have them on
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Yo Momma works in IT...

as a disk format cause she's FAT32
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I have a friend who has sex 3-4 times a week. Works out every day. And reads at least two books a week.

But all this guy ever does is complain about prison.

A 17-year-old boy who works part-time at Pizza Hut drives up to park in front of the house in a beautiful Porsche.

Naturally, his parents know that there’s no way he earned enough with his after-school job to buy such a car.

“Where did you get that car?” his mom and dad screamed in shock.
“I bought it today,” replied the teen calmly.
“With what money young man?” his mom demands. “We know how much a...
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I want to try translating an Iraqi joke to English and see if it works. A man is sitting in a cafe...

A man is sitting in a cafe when suddenly someone he knows comes running to him in panic shouting "Quick, your wife is cheating on you with your best friend in the forest". The man runs out of the cafe angry and furious to see for himself and returns after a short while and sits back down on his chai...

A Russian joke my grandmother once told me. I hope it works in English.

A man sits at the deathbed of his mother-in-law.
She suffers very much and cries in agony:
"Oh I'm dying!" "It hurts" "I'm gonna die soon"
She stops for a seconds and says:
"Well at least the weather is nice today"

The man says: "hey dear, don't get distracted!"
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A Russian immigrant comes to America, works hard...

... and is able to buy for his very first home: a condominium apartment. He throws an all night party with his friends to celebrate. One of his guests notices a hammer and a large metal pot next to one of the walls.

“What is that for?” he asks.

The Russian says “That is my talking A...

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What gets longer if pulled, fits snugly between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, chokes people when used incorrectly, and works well when jerked?

A seatbelt

My new girlfriend works at the zoo…

I think she's a keeper…
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the joke is originally in persian but i think it works in english too

kid:"hey mom are you adding carrots to that soup?"

mom:"yeah, i know you dont like carrots but dont worry, you wont taste the carrot at all"

kid:"then why do you add carrots?"

mom:"because it makes it tastier"
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I work with a Chinese guy called Kim and one time at a works function,

we were having a drink and I said to him

"Do you ever get fed up of us Westerners saying that all Chinese people look the same"?


He replied "Kim's at the bar getting drinks, I'm his wife"
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The teacher asked the class: "Does anyone know how ventriloquism works?"

"Me!" I said. "I do, I do!"

"Put your hand up before you speak."

I said, "Exactly."
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A Collie was talking about how hard he works on the farm where he lives.

A nearby sheep piped up 'YOU don't work hard, all you do is boss US around.' 'WHAT DID YOU SAY' shouted the collie. 'You herd me' the sheep replied






Edit: thanks for all the upvotes, this is my first post ever on here!!!

Edit 2: removed emoji
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How did a guy who works at a call center propose to a girl who works at another call center?

He gave her a ring.
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and we saw dogs mating. She said: "How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?" I replied: "He can smell she is ready . That's how nature works."

We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe.

Again my girlfriend asked: "How does the ram knew when the ewe is ready for sex?"

I replied: "It's nature. He can smell she is ready."

We then went past a cow-field and the bull was mating with the cow.

My ...

What do you call a dog that works on top of buildings?

A ruffer
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me explaining how military time works:

Me: so it goes up to 24 and then it starts all over

Leonardo DiCaprio: I love it, sounds amazing!
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A deaf accountant works for the mafia.

One day, the king pin mafioso is checking out the books and notices there's a million dollars missing. He calls a meeting with the deaf accountant and a sign language translator.

"Ok, there's a million dollars missing, where is it?" asks the king pin. Translator says, "There's a million dolla...

Did you hear about the cheese who works out?

Did you hear about the cheese who works out?

It was shredded.
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Did you know the Giant from Jack and the Beanstalk works as a stripper now?

He'll grind your bone to make his bread.

what kind of fish works in a hospital?

A sturgeon
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my husband, who works in a funeral home

Early one morning, my husband, who works in a funeral home, woke me, complaining of severe abdominal pains. We rushed to the emergency room, where they gave him a series of tests to determine the source of the pain.

My husband decided not to have me call in sick for him until we knew what was...
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- Doctor, I'm having constant depression. Nothing works.

\- The best cure you can try is to fully submerge yourself in your work.

\- Doctor, but I'm working as a plumber.
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My wife left a note on the fridge saying, "This isn't working, goodbye."

I opened the refrigerator and it works just fine. Weird.
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Have you seen the movie about the fish that works at the cardboard company?

Unfortunately, it flopped at the box office.
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Some works of art have perpetual copyright

Music by Prince or Queen will never be royalty free
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Works

A man sits in a restaurant and finishes his meal. He asks for the bill.

The waiter hands him the bill, the man eyes the bill, and notices that along with his meal, he was also billed $5 for an item that's just called "works". The man doesn't remember ordering anything called "works", and he d...
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My buddy works at a Restaurant that's in a cemetary

He says it's always dead there
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My sister who works at an upholstery factory fell into one of the machines yesterday….

Don’t worry she’s recovered
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A young boy finally works up the courage to ask a girl to prom...

She says yes, to his surprise and he starts to prepare to make the night as memorable as he can for the both of them.

First, he decides he needs to rent a tuxedo. He finds a local shop that does rentals, since he doesn't want to buy one. The line at the clothing store is almost out the door....
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I have a friend who works as security at a well-known lingerie store.

He prefers to say he's part of the Victoria Secret Service.
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I think this joke works

It got up early, got ready and reached the office at 9
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It works...

A tourist in Paris notices a man stuffing bananas in his ears. stops him and asks: "Why are you stuffing bananas into your ears?"

The man replies: "It's keeping the crocodiles away!"

"But good sir, there are no crocodiles in Paris!"

"See, it works..." replies the man.
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A wife works long shifts every day...

A wife works long shifts every day of the week to support her family. The husband, who rarely sees her, begins to feel affected by the lack of intimacy from her when she is around, so he has an affair with a younger lady.

One day, the wife comes home early, and finds her husband in bed with h...

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Bob works hard

Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling,
and plays golf every Saturday.
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'
His wife...

What do you call a Snake that Works in the Government?

My account got falsely permanently suspended
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The problem of working in IT:

If everything works fine: "What the hell are we paying you for?"
If something breaks: "What the hell are we paying you for?"
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For school, I had to write a report about how the human eye works

So I asked my dad if he knew any facts about the human eye. After a moment of thought, he responded:

"The human auditory range is 20 to 20,000 Hz".

Confused, I asked: "What does that have to do with the eye, dad?"

"Nothing," he replied. "It's ear-relevant."
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My daughter works at a gymnastic studio that is so accommodating

They bend over backwards
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Communism works!

In Soviet Russia, a citizen was standing in line to buy a car. When he finally reached the front of the line he specified the color he wanted and paid the full cost of the car.
The man at the counter took his money and asked him to come back in 5 years to pick up his car.
The citizen asked whe...
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I know a guy, who used to be a great hockey scorer, who now works at a nursing home, his name is

Jerry Hattrick
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My friend works in IT, and I asked him, “How do you make a motherboard?”

He said, “I usually tell her about my job.”
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So, this guy works at a pickle factory...

...and one day when he comes home from work, his wife can immediately tell something is wrong. "What's the matter?" she asks. "Well," says the husband, "Lately, at work, I've been having bad thoughts... really bad. I feel compelled to stick my dick in the pickle slicer." "That's horrible!" shouts hi...

A Little Known Fact About the Works of J.R.R Tolkien

For his Eleventy-first birthday, instead of fireworks, Bilbo initially asked Gandalf if he could bring the band that plays Dream Police to perform a concert at the party.

This enraged Gandalf however, as Bilbo Baggins took him for some conjurer of Cheap Trick.
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I met an Australian guy who works in IT.

I asked, "Do you come from a LAN down under?"
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