So there were 3 Mathematicians and 3 Engineers...

... and they were all traveling to the same conference. At the train station, the mathematicians each bought a train ticket, and the engineers only bought one to share between the three of them.

"What a bunch of idiots," the mathematicians said. "When the ticket master comes through, they'll ...

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous."

"Oh c'mon" says mathematician #...

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. As the fourth one is about to order the bartender stops them, pours two beers and says “you folks should know your limits.”

Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers?

He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

A mathematician opens a bakery

and does a fine job making sure the goods are absolute delights and well priced for such. However, one day his customers walk in to see that the price of pies has doubled from the day prior, Furious, they ask why, and the owner says, “Well, I realized that I was charging for one pie but selling two!...

In a hotel a engineer, a physicist and a mathematician...

... are sleeping when a fire breaks out.

The engineer wakes up, notices the fire, grabs the next fire extinguisher and starts spraying.... After what seems hours of heroic fighting the fire is gone and he goes to sleep again.

But the fire breaks out again. The physicist wakes up, notic...

An engineer, a biologist, and a mathematician ...

... are told that 2 people walk into an empty house, and that later 3 people walk out.

The engineer says, "It's simple. There must have been an observational error, happens all the time."

The biologist says, "Ah, the two people must have been a couple and had a child."

The mathe...

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil!

What is the difference between mathematicians and chemists?

Mathematicians have problems. Chemists have solutions.

what do you call a blind mathematician?

a secant.

A Mathematician, A Physicist and A Chemist were on a Beach

They decided to put their expertise to use and conduct some research. The Math man said, "I'll jump into the water and measure the depth of the ocean." The Physicist said, "I will go and examine the density of the water at various depths." The Chemist said, "I will use the data you both collect and ...

Four mathematicians walk into a bar..

all agree that there exists the perfect punchline to this joke.

Three mathematicians have known each other for years.

An engineer, a physicist, and a statistician, they decide to go bow hunting one season. While on the trail, they spot their first buck. The physicist run some calculations, decides that air resistance is negligible, and aims accordingly. His arrow falls short by 20 feet. The engineer runs some more ...

How do mathematicians make babies?

They have sec(x).

A mathematician walks into a diner. He asks the waitress for pie.

She says: " 3.14159 26535 "

A mathematician starts to get dangerously underweight, so he goes to the dietitian.

The dietitian diagnoses him with anorexia and tells him to try to eat three square meals a day.

Well, now he's dangerously overweight.

They say there are 3 kinds of mathematicians...

Those who can count, and those who can't.

I used to be the fastest mathematician in my country.

Turns out most of them aren't very good at 100m sprints.

Why did the mathematician go to the beach?

To work on his tan.

An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a mystic were asked to name the greatest invention of all time

The engineer chose fire, which gave humanity power over matter. The physicist chose the wheel, which gave humanity the power over space. The mathematician chose the alphabet, which gave humanity power over symbols. The mystic chose the thermos bottle.
"Why a thermos bottle?" the others asked.
...

Never discuss the concept of Infinity with a mathematician

they can go on about it forever.

An accountant mathematician and economist was asked the question what is 1+1=?

The mathematician went first and said 2, the economist was next and he said:” well it depends on your assumptions”. Finally, it was the accountants turn he sat there for a few minutes, he then leaned forward and said: ”what do you want to be!”

An old mathematician turns 89...

Soon after, his friends and family are astounded as he suddenly begins taking up a variety of sports, buying the newest things, and being as active as if he were in his twenties.
Before long, they approach him, asking about this behavior in spite of his age. The man responds "Well of course I'm...

TIL Zero and its operation were first defined by Hindu astronomer and mathematician Brahmagupta in 628

Thanks for nothing

An infinite number of mathematicians walks into a bar and each person only order 1 drink.

The price of their drink is determined by the numerical order when entering. The first drink costs 1 dollar, the second costs 2 dollars and so on.
In the end, they decided to pay all together.

The waiter then paid them 8.(3) cents and they all left.

Why are mathematicians always so happy?

Because the root of their negativity is imaginary.

A mathematician wanders home at 3am where he meets his angry wife at the door..

She yells “Where the hell were you? You said you’d be home by 11:45!”

“Actually,” he says, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”

What do mathematicians and worrywarts have in common?

They both think about problems that will never happen in real life.

What does a mathematician do when he has constipation?

He works it out with a pencil

Actually, he uses a log. A squared one.

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A philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot found themselves standing before the Gates of Heaven.

St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Heaven is now overcrowded. St Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven.

If anyone of you can ask me a question which I cannot answer or don't know, then you're worthy enough to go to He...

What's a mathematician's favorite recess game?

4^2

How mathematicians escape from prison

How mathematicians escape from the prison:

Mathematicians: let's say there is a door...

A mathematician, physicist and an engineer...

... are trying to measure a building.


The mathematician tries to calculate the height of the building by using angle of elevation.


The physicist throws an egg off the top of the building and tries using the time it takes to fall.


The engineer walks up to the owner of...

How many mathematicians does it take to replace a light bulb?

.999999999...

A mathematician came home and told his wife, “sorry honey, but I’m leaving you for my 18 year old assistant. I’ll be home in a few hours and I’d like for you to be gone.”

He got back home and found a note that read,” hi honey, I’ve left and decided to run off with the 18 year old pool boy. We are both 54 years old, and I think you’ll figure out as a mathematician that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18.”

After retiring to a small village in the country, a mathematician soon becomes restless...

One day his wife suggests he pursue his hobby for electronics repair and open a shop. On the first day of business, he places a sign out front that reads “Electronics repair — No Apple products!” His wife inquires: “Why shut out some of your best business? iPhones, iPads, iPods, and iMacs, and some ...

What do you call an Applied Mathematician's favorite field?

Knot Theory, because it's Knot... Theory.

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A scientist, a mathematician, and in idiot all die in a car wreck and go to Heaven.

"Unfortunately, since heaven is quite full at the moment, I am only going to allow one of you in," the Devil says. "Whoever can ask me a question that I cannot answer correctly will be admitted into heaven. The rest will go to hell."

So the scientist steps up and asks him, "What is the most c...

A chemist, a biologist and a mathematician are sitting in a cafe, looking out of the window.

They all watch three people walk into a house across the road. After 20 minutes, only two people leave the same house.

The scientists are very confused about what has happened.

'The measurements varied, and therefore the measuring equipment was likely inaccurate,' declares the chemist,...

Why do Mathematicians Make such good farmers?

They know how to use a protractor

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What's a mathematician's favourite kind of boob?

Quantitties

What language do mute mathematicians use?

Sine language

What would you call a poem written in the honour of a Mathematician?

dy/dx - 3x = 2

What's this?

An ODE (Ordinary Differential Equation)

Pirates are the best mathematicians

They always find X.

What is a mathematician's favorite TV show?

Sine-feld.

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How does a mathematician poop?

By removing natural logs.

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A mathematician and an engineer are in a room with a naked woman

The woman is horny, and says to the two that she will have sex with the first person to reach her. However, she is on a bed 10 feet away from them. Their condition is to start at that 10 foot mark together, and move half the available distance each time the decide to move closer.

The mathemat...

An old Egyptian mathematician was trying to figure out how long a day was

But after 24 hours he called it a day

Mathematician: Doctor, I have a fear of the irrational

Doctor: Don't worry mate, all the things u worry about are just imaginary

Mathematician: That makes it even worse!

Mathematicians, physicists, and engineers have determined all odds are primes...

The mathematician says, "Excluding 1, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime... proof by induction, all odds are prime"

The physicist says, "Excluding 1, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is experimental error, 11 is prime... all odds are prime"

The engineer says, "1 is is prime, 3 is...

How do mathematicians scold their children?

“If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times …”

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Two mathematicians and two physicists take a train to a science symposium

On the ride there just before their tickets are checked the mathmaticians go to the loo and hide together in one cubicle. When asked to present their tickets they slide one under the booth door.

The physicists are stumped, but smart as they are they use the same trick on the return journey. W...

A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street.

First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.
The Physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate.".
The Biologist: "They have reproduced".
The Mathematician: "If now exactly one person enters the house then it will...

A panicked mathematician rushes into his professors’s office...

The professor looks up in shock from his work to see one of his students slamming a high school geometry textbook on his desk.

“What’s wrong?!” exclaims the professor.

“They’ve updates the syllabus,” the mathematician replies.

The professor, still confused, watches the mathemat...

What do you calls a mathematicians bird that won’t eat ?

A polynomial

A Physicist, a Biologist and a Mathematician are standing at a bus stop.

A bus stops and 5 people get in.
As the bus comes around the next time, 6 people get out.
The Physicist comments:
"That's a measuring error."
The biologist says:
"They reproduced on the way."
The mathematician says:
"If one more person gets in, the bus will be empty."

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What does a horny mathematician with a lisp do to have fun?

**Math debates**

A biologist, an engineer, and a mathematician were sitting outside an empty house.

They saw two people go in, and a little while later, three people come out. The engineer said, “Our initial count must’ve been wrong.” The biologist said, “They must’ve reproduced.” The mathematician said, “Now, if one person goes back into the house, it will be completely empty!”

Why did the musical carpenter become a mathematician?

Logrythm

Why Was the Blond Mathematician's Fly Open?

Just in case he needed to count to 11.



A very old joke, but sharing on the chance there's anyone who hasn't heard it before.

A mathematician is asked, "Why did Romeo kill himself when he thought Juliet was dead?"

"Because without one the other is nought."

When you a mathematician and you tryna calculate the curve on your ex girlfriend

f(x)

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are staying in a hotel for a convention.

A fire breaks out in each of their trash cans at the same time during the night.

The engineer wakes up, dumps water onto the fire until its out, then a little more to make sure it stays out, and goes back to bed.

The physicist wakes up, grabs his notepad, calculates the amount of water...

An engineer, physicist, and mathematician have been imprisoned.

At some point, the warden realizes that the three men haven't been fed in a while. He accompanies an officer to check up on them. The warden and officer arrive at the first cell that contained the engineer. To their astonishment, the cell was empty and the wall had a hole in it.

"How is that ...

An engineer, a mathematician, a cartographer and a philosopher have a contest...

An engineer, a mathematician, a cartographer and a philosopher have a contest. Whoever can fence off the largest area of land with only 100 meters of fence will win and prove their profession superior.

The engineer goes first, and using his expertise makes a square 25m by 25m for 625m^(2). Co...

How did the mathematician foil the villains plan?

(p + l)(a + n)=pa+pn+la+ln

Two mathematicians were having dinner in a restaurant, ...

... arguing about the average mathematical knowledge of the American public. One mathematician
claimed that this average was woefully inadequate, the other maintained that
it was surprisingly high.


"I'll tell you what," said the cynic, "ask that waitress a simple math que...

An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a statistician all walk into different rooms, each containing a bucket of water and a garbage can that is on fire.

The engineer walks into his room. He sees the fire, then sees the bucket. He immediately grabs the bucket and dumps the whole thing on the fire to put it out.

The physicist walks into his room and sees the fire and bucket. He takes out a sheet of paper and calculates exactly how much water he...

Mathematician stoners don't celebrate 4/20

They already celebrated 1/5

What’s every mathematician’s pick up line?

Hey baby, what’s your sine?

What did the drowning Mathematician say?

log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(...

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So a philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at starbucks.

So a philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at starbucks.

The mathematician turns to the physicist sitting next to him and says "You know, physics is just applied mathematics!"

They all have a good laugh, at which point the philosopher interjects from across the table. "And...

An engineer and a mathematician.

An engineer wakes up and realizes his bed is on fire. He spots a sink and a bucket, so he goes to the sink, fills the bucket, and douses the fire before going back to sleep.

A mathematician wakes up to find his bed is on fire. He spots the sink and the bucket and then goes to sleep satisfied ...

What kind of tissues do mathematicians like?

Multi-ply

What law do most mathematicians break?

...They drink and derive.

*Baddum tss*

Thank you, thank you! I'll see myself out.

Two mathematicians are in a bar.

The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little about basic mathematics. The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math.

The first mathematician wanders off to the bathroom, so the second guy calls over their waitress...

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An engineer, physicist, and mathematician are friends

One day, the engineer's house catches fire. He uses the fire extinguisher and puts it out.

A few days later, the physicist's house also catches fire. He uses a fire extinguisher as well, but calculates the hottest point of the fire and puts it out effectively.

A month goes by, and the ...

A mathematician tried the Atkin diet.

After nearly starving to death, he won a Nobel prize by generalizing it to ribs.

Why do mathematicians like metronomes?

Because they're a rhythmic tic.

So, an artist, a mathematician, and a fisherman commit a crime

And I was looking at the file and it looks kinda sketchy, it doesn’t add up. There’s definitely something fishy going on.

A mathematician is afraid of flying due to small risk of a terrorist attack. So, on every flight he takes a bomb with him in his hand luggage.

“The probability of having two bombs on the same plane is virtually zero!”

Why was the Mathematician told to see a Psychologist?

Because he kept obsessing over his x.

A mathematician, a scientist, and an economist walk past a field of cows.

The mathematician says "Those cows are brown on this side."

The scientist says "Those are brown cows."

The economist wrinkles his brow, nods, and says "All cows are brown."

An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician ...

An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, a biologist, and a chemist are each asked to compute the volume of a little red rubber ball.

The mathematician finds the equation of the surface, performs a triple integral, and computes the volume

The physicist dunks the ball in a pool of wat...

Mathematicians don't call it friendzone.

They call it asymptote.

How do you stop an evil mathematician who only uses binomials

You FOIL his plans

A mathematician , a physicist and an engineer talk about numbers

Mathematician: *π* is the most beautiful number

Physicist: I like *e* most

Engineer: What a coincidence! 3 is my favorite number, too!

A mathematician and an engineer agreed to take part in an experiment.

They were both placed in a room and at the other end was a beautiful naked woman on a bed. The experimenter said every 30 seconds they would be allowed to travel half the distance between themselves and the woman. The mathematician said "this is pointless" and stormed off". The engineer agreed to go...

A mathematician walks into a bar

The rest of the joke is trivial and is left to the student as an exercise.

How does the devil tempt vacationing mathematicians?

He says "Wanna work on your tan? Cos all you have to do is sin!"

A mathematician, physicist, and statistician go hunting

They find a deer and take aim.

The mathematician shoots and misses 5 meters to the left.

The physicist shoots and misses 5 meters to the right.

The statistician jumps up and down and shouts, "We got it! We got it!"

An infinite number of Mathematicians

An infinite number of Mathematicians walked into a bar. The first one asked for 1 beer, the second asked for half a beer. The third asked for 1 quater of a beer and so on. After some thought. The bar tender poured to beers into a jug for them to share. A bystander said. Wow that was a really weird s...

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There was a group of 1940s German mathematicians...

They told the world they had discovered the perfect ratio of plutonium to uranium in order to create fuel capable of space travel. They said it was simple, two parts plutonium, one part uranium. However, the rest of Europe didn't believe them because they were a bunch of fibbinazis.

Why should you not date a mathematician?

They have too many problems.

Why do mathematicians confuse Halloween with Christmas?

Because OCT(31) = DEC(25)

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