So there were 3 Mathematicians and 3 Engineers...

... and they were all traveling to the same conference. At the train station, the mathematicians each bought a train ticket, and the engineers only bought one to share between the three of them.

"What a bunch of idiots," the mathematicians said. "When the ticket master comes through, they'll ...

In a hotel a engineer, a physicist and a mathematician...

... are sleeping when a fire breaks out.

The engineer wakes up, notices the fire, grabs the next fire extinguisher and starts spraying.... After what seems hours of heroic fighting the fire is gone and he goes to sleep again.

But the fire breaks out again. The physicist wakes up, notic...

Three mathematicians have known each other for years.

An engineer, a physicist, and a statistician, they decide to go bow hunting one season. While on the trail, they spot their first buck. The physicist run some calculations, decides that air resistance is negligible, and aims accordingly. His arrow falls short by 20 feet. The engineer runs some more ...

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first asks the bartender for a pint, the second for half, the third for a quarter, and so on.

The bartender gives them two and says sort it out your self

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first mathematician orders a beer.


The second orders half a beer.


"I don't serve half-beers," the bartender replies.


"Excuse me?" asks mathematician #2.


The bartender remarks, "What kind of bar serves half-beers? That's ridiculous."


"Oh c'mo...

Why are mathematicians always so happy?

Because the root of their negativity is imaginary.

A mathematician arrived home drunk at 3AM.

His wife was waiting for him.

"You said you'd be back by 11:45!" she screamed.

The mathematician replied, "No, I said I'd be back at a quarter of 12."

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A philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot found themselves standing before the Gates of Heaven.

St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Heaven is now overcrowded. St Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven.

If anyone of you can ask me a question which I cannot answer or don't know, then you're worthy enough to go to He...

How many mathematicians does it take to replace a light bulb?

.999999999...

What's a mathematician's favorite recess game?

4^2

An old mathematician turns 89...

Soon after, his friends and family are astounded as he suddenly begins taking up a variety of sports, buying the newest things, and being as active as if he were in his twenties.
Before long, they approach him, asking about this behavior in spite of his age. The man responds "Well of course I'm...

What do mathematicians and worrywarts have in common?

They both think about problems that will never happen in real life.

A mathematician, physicist and an engineer...

... are trying to measure a building.


The mathematician tries to calculate the height of the building by using angle of elevation.


The physicist throws an egg off the top of the building and tries using the time it takes to fall.


The engineer walks up to the owner of...

Why do mathematicians like parks?

Because of all the natural logs

Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers?

He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

Pirates are the best mathematicians

They always find X.

An infinite number of mathematicians walks into a bar and each person only order 1 drink.

The price of their drink is determined by the numerical order when entering. The first drink costs 1 dollar, the second costs 2 dollars and so on.
In the end, they decided to pay all together.

The waiter then paid them 8.(3) cents and they all left.

What language do mute mathematicians use?

Sine language

A chemist, a biologist and a mathematician are sitting in a cafe, looking out of the window.

They all watch three people walk into a house across the road. After 20 minutes, only two people leave the same house.

The scientists are very confused about what has happened.

'The measurements varied, and therefore the measuring equipment was likely inaccurate,' declares the chemist,...

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Two mathematicians and two physicists take a train to a science symposium

On the ride there just before their tickets are checked the mathmaticians go to the loo and hide together in one cubicle. When asked to present their tickets they slide one under the booth door.

The physicists are stumped, but smart as they are they use the same trick on the return journey. W...

What would you call a poem written in the honour of a Mathematician?

dy/dx - 3x = 2

What's this?

An ODE (Ordinary Differential Equation)

A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street.

First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.
The Physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate.".
The Biologist: "They have reproduced".
The Mathematician: "If now exactly one person enters the house then it will...

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil.

A writer, a mathematician, and a programmer are stuck in a plane on the runway.

The writer says, "I bet I could write a story about plane delays and how awful they are. I think a lot of people would relate to it and the airlines would improve their service after hearing the outcry."

The mathematician says, "I bet I could write a theorem on the average amount of time each...

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How does a mathematician poop?

By removing natural logs.

How mathematicians laugh?

(HA)^3

Recycled ones. But love them. 36 Math jokes and puns

Beginner

1. Why was the fraction apprehensive about marrying the decimal?

Because he would have to convert.

2. Why do plants hate math?

It gives them square roots.

3. Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average?

It was a mean thing to s...

An old Egyptian mathematician was trying to figure out how long a day was

But after 24 hours he called it a day

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A scientist, a mathematician, and in idiot all die in a car wreck and go to Heaven.

"Unfortunately, since heaven is quite full at the moment, I am only going to allow one of you in," the Devil says. "Whoever can ask me a question that I cannot answer correctly will be admitted into heaven. The rest will go to hell."

So the scientist steps up and asks him, "What is the most c...

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What's a mathematician's favourite kind of boob?

Quantitties

How did the mathematician solve his constipation problem?

He used a pencil and worked it out.

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A mathematician and an engineer are in a room with a naked woman

The woman is horny, and says to the two that she will have sex with the first person to reach her. However, she is on a bed 10 feet away from them. Their condition is to start at that 10 foot mark together, and move half the available distance each time the decide to move closer.

The mathemat...

Mathematician: Doctor, I have a fear of the irrational

Doctor: Don't worry mate, all the things u worry about are just imaginary

Mathematician: That makes it even worse!

What is a mathematician's favorite TV show?

Sine-feld.

A mathematician came home and told his wife, “sorry honey, but I’m leaving you for my 18 year old assistant. I’ll be home in a few hours and I’d like for you to be gone.”

He got back home and found a note that read,” hi honey, I’ve left and decided to run off with the 18 year old pool boy. We are both 54 years old, and I think you’ll figure out as a mathematician that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18.”

How do mathematicians scold their children?

“If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times …”

A panicked mathematician rushes into his professors’s office...

The professor looks up in shock from his work to see one of his students slamming a high school geometry textbook on his desk.

“What’s wrong?!” exclaims the professor.

“They’ve updates the syllabus,” the mathematician replies.

The professor, still confused, watches the mathemat...

What do you calls a mathematicians bird that won’t eat ?

A polynomial

What do mathematicians do when they get constipated?

They try to work it out with a pencil.

I came home to find a Greek mathematician kidnapping my grandmother...

He saw me. Immediately, my hands went towards my phone, and he shouted,

"You stop right there! Or else imma beta your gamma!"

When you a mathematician and you tryna calculate the curve on your ex girlfriend

f(x)

A Physicist, a Biologist and a Mathematician are standing at a bus stop.

A bus stops and 5 people get in.
As the bus comes around the next time, 6 people get out.
The Physicist comments:
"That's a measuring error."
The biologist says:
"They reproduced on the way."
The mathematician says:
"If one more person gets in, the bus will be empty."

What do you call a mathematician in a fraternity?

an algebro

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What does a horny mathematician with a lisp do to have fun?

**Math debates**

Why did the musical carpenter become a mathematician?

Logrythm

A biologist, an engineer, and a mathematician were sitting outside an empty house.

They saw two people go in, and a little while later, three people come out. The engineer said, “Our initial count must’ve been wrong.” The biologist said, “They must’ve reproduced.” The mathematician said, “Now, if one person goes back into the house, it will be completely empty!”

A mathematician is asked, "Why did Romeo kill himself when he thought Juliet was dead?"

"Because without one the other is nought."

An engineer, a mathematician, a cartographer and a philosopher have a contest...

An engineer, a mathematician, a cartographer and a philosopher have a contest. Whoever can fence off the largest area of land with only 100 meters of fence will win and prove their profession superior.

The engineer goes first, and using his expertise makes a square 25m by 25m for 625m^(2). Co...

Why Was the Blond Mathematician's Fly Open?

Just in case he needed to count to 11.



A very old joke, but sharing on the chance there's anyone who hasn't heard it before.

Two mathematicians are in a bar.

The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little about basic mathematics. The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math.

The first mathematician wanders off to the bathroom, so the second guy calls over their waitress...

An engineer, physicist, and mathematician have been imprisoned.

At some point, the warden realizes that the three men haven't been fed in a while. He accompanies an officer to check up on them. The warden and officer arrive at the first cell that contained the engineer. To their astonishment, the cell was empty and the wall had a hole in it.

"How is that ...

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are staying in a hotel for a convention.

A fire breaks out in each of their trash cans at the same time during the night.

The engineer wakes up, dumps water onto the fire until its out, then a little more to make sure it stays out, and goes back to bed.

The physicist wakes up, grabs his notepad, calculates the amount of water...

An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a statistician all walk into different rooms, each containing a bucket of water and a garbage can that is on fire.

The engineer walks into his room. He sees the fire, then sees the bucket. He immediately grabs the bucket and dumps the whole thing on the fire to put it out.

The physicist walks into his room and sees the fire and bucket. He takes out a sheet of paper and calculates exactly how much water he...

Two mathematicians were having dinner in a restaurant, ...

... arguing about the average mathematical knowledge of the American public. One mathematician
claimed that this average was woefully inadequate, the other maintained that
it was surprisingly high.


"I'll tell you what," said the cynic, "ask that waitress a simple math que...

How did the mathematician foil the villains plan?

(p + l)(a + n)=pa+pn+la+ln

What’s every mathematician’s pick up line?

Hey baby, what’s your sine?

Mathematician stoners don't celebrate 4/20

They already celebrated 1/5

An infinite number of Mathematicians

An infinite number of Mathematicians walked into a bar. The first one asked for 1 beer, the second asked for half a beer. The third asked for 1 quater of a beer and so on. After some thought. The bar tender poured to beers into a jug for them to share. A bystander said. Wow that was a really weird s...

What did the drowning Mathematician say?

log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(...

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An engineer, physicist, and mathematician are friends

One day, the engineer's house catches fire. He uses the fire extinguisher and puts it out.

A few days later, the physicist's house also catches fire. He uses a fire extinguisher as well, but calculates the hottest point of the fire and puts it out effectively.

A month goes by, and the ...

What kind of tissues do mathematicians like?

Multi-ply

An engineer and a mathematician.

An engineer wakes up and realizes his bed is on fire. He spots a sink and a bucket, so he goes to the sink, fills the bucket, and douses the fire before going back to sleep.

A mathematician wakes up to find his bed is on fire. He spots the sink and the bucket and then goes to sleep satisfied ...

So, an artist, a mathematician, and a fisherman commit a crime

And I was looking at the file and it looks kinda sketchy, it doesn’t add up. There’s definitely something fishy going on.

Why was the Mathematician told to see a Psychologist?

Because he kept obsessing over his x.

What law do most mathematicians break?

...They drink and derive.

*Baddum tss*

Thank you, thank you! I'll see myself out.

An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician ...

An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, a biologist, and a chemist are each asked to compute the volume of a little red rubber ball.

The mathematician finds the equation of the surface, performs a triple integral, and computes the volume

The physicist dunks the ball in a pool of wat...

Why do mathematicians like metronomes?

Because they're a rhythmic tic.

A mathematician is afraid of flying due to small risk of a terrorist attack. So, on every flight he takes a bomb with him in his hand luggage.

“The probability of having two bombs on the same plane is virtually zero!”

Mathematicians don't call it friendzone.

They call it asymptote.

How does the devil tempt vacationing mathematicians?

He says "Wanna work on your tan? Cos all you have to do is sin!"

A mathematician, a scientist, and an economist walk past a field of cows.

The mathematician says "Those cows are brown on this side."

The scientist says "Those are brown cows."

The economist wrinkles his brow, nods, and says "All cows are brown."

A mathematician walks into a bar

The rest of the joke is trivial and is left to the student as an exercise.

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There was a group of 1940s German mathematicians...

They told the world they had discovered the perfect ratio of plutonium to uranium in order to create fuel capable of space travel. They said it was simple, two parts plutonium, one part uranium. However, the rest of Europe didn't believe them because they were a bunch of fibbinazis.

A mathematician , a physicist and an engineer talk about numbers

Mathematician: *π* is the most beautiful number

Physicist: I like *e* most

Engineer: What a coincidence! 3 is my favorite number, too!

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So a philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at starbucks.

So a philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at starbucks.

The mathematician turns to the physicist sitting next to him and says "You know, physics is just applied mathematics!"

They all have a good laugh, at which point the philosopher interjects from across the table. "And...

Why should you not date a mathematician?

They have too many problems.

How do you stop an evil mathematician who only uses binomials

You FOIL his plans

A mathematician, physicist, and statistician go hunting

They find a deer and take aim.

The mathematician shoots and misses 5 meters to the left.

The physicist shoots and misses 5 meters to the right.

The statistician jumps up and down and shouts, "We got it! We got it!"

A physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician are all locked in separate burning buildings.

The physicist runs to a chalkboard, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds that amount, puts out the fire, and survives. The engineer pulls out a calculator, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds 10 times that a...

A mathematician and an engineer agreed to take part in an experiment.

They were both placed in a room and at the other end was a beautiful naked woman on a bed. The experimenter said every 30 seconds they would be allowed to travel half the distance between themselves and the woman. The mathematician said "this is pointless" and stormed off". The engineer agreed to go...

Why do mathematicians confuse Halloween with Christmas?

Because OCT(31) = DEC(25)

Two mathematicians and blonde waitress.

Two mathematicians were in a restaurant. One of them was a hard-core misogynist and claimed that women were never any good at maths, especially the blonde ones. His friend claimed that there was no difference and that women were just as capable as men. When the misogynist went for a cigarette, the o...

Where do evil mathematicians go?

Prism.

Did you hear about the mathematician who miscalculated the shape of the Earth?

He made a rounding error

Why are all the world's best mathematicians located in Brooklyn.

Because Nobody does Pie like New York.

A scientist, Mathematician, and statistictian all go out hunting....

They see a deer and this Scientist takes the first shot. He misses by 3 feet
The Mathematician takes a shot and misses again by 3 feet on the opposite side.
The Statistictian shouts "We hit it!"

"Your ticket, please..."

A group of mathematicians and a group of engineers are traveling together by train to attend a conference on mathematical methods in engineering. Each engineer has a ticket whereas only one of the mathematicians has one. Of course, the engineers laugh at the unworldly mathematicians and look forward...

Math hole told to me 20 years ago by a professor

What's the difference between a physicist and mathematician?

There's a pot of water on the table and both the physicist and mathematician are asked to boil it. The physicist picks it up, puts it on the range, and lights the burner. The mathematicians picked it up, puts it on the range, and l...

To the mathematicians who thought of the idea of zero...

Thanks for nothing.

A mathematician wanders back home at 3 a.m. and proceeds to get an earful from his wife.

“You’re late!” she yells. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the mathematician replies coolly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”

How do you tell the difference between a priest and a mathematician?

Ask them to pronounce “sin.”

What do mathematicians do in their free time?

Math-debate

Never discuss infinity with a mathematician..

They can go on about it forever...

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematicians have to build a fence around a flock of sheep,

using as little material as possible. The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it. The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock. The mathematicians thinks for a while, then builds a fence around hi...

So there’s two Mathematicians and two Physicists getting a train to a Congress.

Before they buy tickets. While the Physicists got two tickets, the mathematicians only get one.
As soon as they see the conductor they both get into the same toilet. So when he knocks on the door they only push one ticket underneath the door.
On the way back, the Physicists buy one ticket only...

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