UPJOKE

mathematicsscientistmathphysicistlogiciantheoristphysicsmathematicalibn al-haythampythagorasstatisticianprofessorisaac newtonlinguistphilosopher

The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little about basic mathematics. The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math.

The first mathematician goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the second calls over the w...

The first mathematician goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the second calls over the w...

The priest reads them their last rites, then the king orders the executioner to kill the physicist.

The executioner offers the physicist two choices: would he like a hood on or off, and would he like to be executed face up or face down. The physicist replies, "I spent my whole life studying t...

The executioner offers the physicist two choices: would he like a hood on or off, and would he like to be executed face up or face down. The physicist replies, "I spent my whole life studying t...

At the other end of this room,” the Game Master points out, “is a beautiful, young, naked, consenting woman. If you reach her, she will fulfill any and all of your fantasies.”

The mathematician and engineer both look at each other with excitement.

“The only rule is that each step you...

The mathematician and engineer both look at each other with excitement.

“The only rule is that each step you...

Calc u later!

The punchline is trivial and has been left as an exercise for the reader.

He keeps thinking about his X and Y's

The time traveler says, "Hello, in my grad school I have learned that it is impossible for any number which is a power greater than the second to be written as the sum of two like powers such as x^n + y^n = z^n for n > 2."

"Show me how you proved it," the mathematician says.

"Indeed...

"Show me how you proved it," the mathematician says.

"Indeed...

This joke *may* contain profanity. 🤔

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were in a hotel for a convention. Then, in the middle of the night for no apparent reason, a fire breaks out in the engineer's wastebasket. The engineer rushes over to the bathroom, empties out the ice bucket, fills it with water and pours it into the ...

This joke *may* contain profanity. 🤔

He asked the two what they were arguing about.

The biologist, pointing to a flagpole, said they were trying to guess the height of it.

The surprised mathematician proceeded to remove the pole from its mount, took out a tape measure, measured the length of the flagpole and told the tw...

The biologist, pointing to a flagpole, said they were trying to guess the height of it.

The surprised mathematician proceeded to remove the pole from its mount, took out a tape measure, measured the length of the flagpole and told the tw...

The proctor says over the intercom, “every time the bell rings you can move half the distance to the woman.”

The mathematician gets furious and leaves, saying to the engineer on the way out, “You fool! Don’t you understand you can never actually reach the woman?”

The engineer smirks, “...

The mathematician gets furious and leaves, saying to the engineer on the way out, “You fool! Don’t you understand you can never actually reach the woman?”

The engineer smirks, “...

Because there's safety in numbers.

A businessman interviews a mathematician, an accountant, and an economist for a job. He asks them, “What is 2 + 2?”

The mathematician answers, “Exactly 4.”

The accountant replies, “Depending on what your interest, depreciation, and taxes are, approximately 2.”

The economist wa...

The mathematician answers, “Exactly 4.”

The accountant replies, “Depending on what your interest, depreciation, and taxes are, approximately 2.”

The economist wa...

A mathematician walks into a bar and orders a root beer. The bartender brings him one. "You idiot. You poured it into a square glass," the mathematician complains. "Now I just have beer."

And they come across a group of cows with black and white spots, grazing in the distance. The journalist is excited: “We’ve seen a group of black and white spotted cows, therefore we can conclude that in this area all cows must have black and white spots!”

“You’re being too hasty, my friend”,...

“You’re being too hasty, my friend”,...

He cosined a lease

This joke *may* contain profanity. 🤔

So a philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at starbucks.

The mathematician turns to the physicist sitting next to him and says "You know, physics is just applied mathematics!"

They all have a good laugh, at which point the philosopher interjects from across the table. "And...

The mathematician turns to the physicist sitting next to him and says "You know, physics is just applied mathematics!"

They all have a good laugh, at which point the philosopher interjects from across the table. "And...

Because it was prime real estate

He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

This joke *may* contain profanity. 🤔

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender rema...

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender rema...

Because he had too many problems.

With a pro-tractor.

Times Square.

The bartender says "Sorry, I can't serve you. You're clearly irrational."

His wife has been waiting for him and says angrily, "You're late. You said you'd be home at 11:45!"

"Actually," the mathematician replies, "I said I'd be home at a quarter of 12."

"Actually," the mathematician replies, "I said I'd be home at a quarter of 12."

He worked it out with a pencil

still use zeroes and ones?

Wife: "What is the probability of me saying yes as per your calculation ?" That's when Aryabhatta discovered zero!!!

“If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times…”

The physicists buy 3 tickets(one for each) and the mathematicians say they have a special method and buy 1 ticket(1 for the 3 of them)

On the train the mathematicians lock up in the same toilet and when the conductor knocked and asked for the ticket, one mathematician put his hand out with t...

On the train the mathematicians lock up in the same toilet and when the conductor knocked and asked for the ticket, one mathematician put his hand out with t...

They take separate rooms at the hotel.

The mathematician can't sleep so he goes to his balcony and looks into the chemist's room.

A fire breaks out in the chemist's room and the mathematician panics.

He then sees the chemist wake up calmly and create a solution from the ingred...

The mathematician can't sleep so he goes to his balcony and looks into the chemist's room.

A fire breaks out in the chemist's room and the mathematician panics.

He then sees the chemist wake up calmly and create a solution from the ingred...

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.

The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What does two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says...

The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What does two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says...

One tests the limits of their patients, the others limits, test their patience.

2.999.... 1.999... to argue about if 0.999... and 1 are the same, and 0.999... to actually screw it in and install it.

This joke *may* contain profanity. 🤔

The Greek says, “We have the Parthenon.”

The Italian says, “We have the Coliseum.”

The Greeks says, “We had great mathematicians and philosophers.”

The Italian says, “We created a world empire and established Pax Romana.”

And so on and so on for hours...

The Italian says, “We have the Coliseum.”

The Greeks says, “We had great mathematicians and philosophers.”

The Italian says, “We created a world empire and established Pax Romana.”

And so on and so on for hours...

A man walked into a bar and asked the bartender to give him ten times as much as everyone else there.

So the bartender replies: "Now that is an order of magnitude."

(I didn't come up with this myself; I saw it somewhere and decided to put it here.)

So the bartender replies: "Now that is an order of magnitude."

(I didn't come up with this myself; I saw it somewhere and decided to put it here.)

The first orders a pint of beer. The second half a pint, the third a quarter ad infinitum. The bartender just pours two pints and says "sort it out yourselves."

If things get hard they can always work it out with a pencil

The mathematician says "pi is the ratio of a circumference to its diameter".

The physicist says "pi is 3.1415"

The engineer says "it's about 3"

The physicist says "pi is 3.1415"

The engineer says "it's about 3"

The fence is required to contain as much land as possible for the least amount of fence material.

The engineer says "easy, just make a circular fence"

The physicist says, "wait a second! If you build the fence across the equator you'll have an even higher area/fence ratio!"

The ...

The engineer says "easy, just make a circular fence"

The physicist says, "wait a second! If you build the fence across the equator you'll have an even higher area/fence ratio!"

The ...

Have to build a fence around a flock of sheep, using as little material as possible..

The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it.

The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock.

...

The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it.

The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock.

...

The mathematician answered "Four".

The sociologist answered "Assuming that we want the answer that is in accordance with the Western social norms, four."

The accountant asked "And how much do you want it to be?"

The sociologist answered "Assuming that we want the answer that is in accordance with the Western social norms, four."

The accountant asked "And how much do you want it to be?"

The mathematician takes the ball, measures its diameter, then calculates the volume.

The physicist submerges the ball in water and measures the amount of water displaced.

The engineer twists and turns the ball, looking for the model number.

The physicist submerges the ball in water and measures the amount of water displaced.

The engineer twists and turns the ball, looking for the model number.

They are sitting on a hill overlooking an office building which has just opened for the day. As they eat, they see 100 business people enter and 101 exit.

The meteorologist says, "Well within my margin of error".

The biologist says, "I suppose one of them gave birth".

The mathem...

The meteorologist says, "Well within my margin of error".

The biologist says, "I suppose one of them gave birth".

The mathem...

This joke *may* contain profanity. 🤔

Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heave...

"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heave...

Suddenly, two people enter the house and after a couple of minutes, three people leave through the front door.

The biologist says - “They must’ve reproduced!”

The physicist says - “This must be a measurement error!”

The mathematician says - “If one more person enters, the house...

The biologist says - “They must’ve reproduced!”

The physicist says - “This must be a measurement error!”

The mathematician says - “If one more person enters, the house...

... are sleeping when a fire breaks out.

The engineer wakes up, notices the fire, grabs the next fire extinguisher and starts spraying.... After what seems hours of heroic fighting the fire is gone and he goes to sleep again.

But the fire breaks out again. The physicist wakes up, n...

The engineer wakes up, notices the fire, grabs the next fire extinguisher and starts spraying.... After what seems hours of heroic fighting the fire is gone and he goes to sleep again.

But the fire breaks out again. The physicist wakes up, n...

The engineer orders a half pint,

The physicist orders 1/2 a pint,

The mathematician orders 0.5 pints,

and the Chemist orders 5.0 \* 10\^-1 pints.

The physicist orders 1/2 a pint,

The mathematician orders 0.5 pints,

and the Chemist orders 5.0 \* 10\^-1 pints.

This joke *may* contain profanity. 🤔

are asked to find the volume of a red rubber ball.

The mathematician knows that the volume of a sphere has been mathematically determined so they measures the radius and puts it into the proper formula.

The physicist knows that Archimedes discovered how to determine the volume of an o...

The mathematician knows that the volume of a sphere has been mathematically determined so they measures the radius and puts it into the proper formula.

The physicist knows that Archimedes discovered how to determine the volume of an o...

The introvert mathematician looks at his shoes when he's talking to you.

The extrovert one looks at yours.

The extrovert one looks at yours.

They were both put in a room and at the other end was a naked woman on a bed. The experimenter said that every 30 seconds they could travel half the distance between themselves and the woman. The mathematician stormed off, calling it pointless. The engineer was still in. The mathematician said “Don’...

With a Sine Wave!

As was her custom, the evening manager was going from table to table greeting her guests. When she got to the first table, there were eight mathematicians seated. Strange, she thought, since there were only six seats, but some of them were getting a bit frisky and were sitting on others' laps.

...

...

Professor Wilkins, a professor of topology, and his colleague, Professor Thompson of the statistics department, go to a diner near their building for lunch.

“So, what do you figure the chances are that I can get a free donut with lunch if I ask the waitress nicely?” asked Wilkins.

“Fre...

“So, what do you figure the chances are that I can get a free donut with lunch if I ask the waitress nicely?” asked Wilkins.

“Fre...

Drinking and deriving

This joke *may* contain profanity. 🤔

They all make their bets and plan to meet at their favorite watering hole after the race to compare their results. The doctor arrives last, orders a round for the group saying:

"I sure cleaned up! Lake Cookie was pegged for second place so I snuck into his stable just before the race and juic...

"I sure cleaned up! Lake Cookie was pegged for second place so I snuck into his stable just before the race and juic...

A Logarithm

The mathematician grabs a cord to measure its circumference and from there works out its volume.

The physicist pushes the basketball into a bucket of water and measures the water displacement.

The engineer looks it up on the catalog.

The physicist pushes the basketball into a bucket of water and measures the water displacement.

The engineer looks it up on the catalog.

One day a math teacher decided that she wanted to follow her dreams of being a rapper, but she needed a stage name.

After a bit of thinking she finally settles on the name “Absolute Value”.

Why absolute value? Because she’s got the bars!

After a bit of thinking she finally settles on the name “Absolute Value”.

Why absolute value? Because she’s got the bars!

This joke *may* contain profanity. 🤔

The only way down seems to be a big leap down into a nearby pool. The house is high though and the pool small.

The priest is ready right away for his leap of faith. "So god help me!" He says, takes a second to gather himself, sprints towards the edge and jumps. He just barely misses the pool....

The priest is ready right away for his leap of faith. "So god help me!" He says, takes a second to gather himself, sprints towards the edge and jumps. He just barely misses the pool....

They can go on about it forever.

At some point, the warden realizes that the three men haven't been fed in a while. He accompanies an officer to check up on them. The warden and officer arrive at the first cell that contained the engineer. To their astonishment, the cell was empty and the wall had a hole in it.

"How is that ...

"How is that ...

Specializing in polypnomials.

The Mathematician replies:" 230 divided by 3.3."

This joke *may* contain profanity. 🤔

He made it his life’s goal to tackle one of the greatest unsolved calculus problems in history. For months he worked, filling blackboards with numbers and lines, to no avail.

After a year of struggling, he was ready to give up. He pulled out the bottle of wine that was *meant* to toast his s...

After a year of struggling, he was ready to give up. He pulled out the bottle of wine that was *meant* to toast his s...

The biologist says the cell count is too low.

The chemist says this solution needs to be buffered.

The mathematician says the coffee is very weak.

The chemist says this solution needs to be buffered.

The mathematician says the coffee is very weak.

He got back home and found a note that read,” hi honey, I’ve left and decided to run off with the 18 year old pool boy. We are both 54 years old, and I think you’ll figure out as a mathematician that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18.”

This joke *may* contain profanity. 🤔

Quantitties

... and they were all traveling to the same conference. At the train station, the mathematicians each bought a train ticket, and the engineers only bought one to share between the three of them.

"What a bunch of idiots," the mathematicians said. "When the ticket master comes through, they'll ...

"What a bunch of idiots," the mathematicians said. "When the ticket master comes through, they'll ...

They both keep searching for 'x'

The clothes just kept coming off and off and off and off and off and off and off and off and off and off and off and off and off and off and off and off and off and off and off and off and off and off and off and off and off and off and off and off and off and off and off and off and off and off and...

Accountability.

A mathematician, a biologist and a physicist are sitting on a Starbucks patio across from an abandoned building when a car pulls up, and two people get out and enter the building.

A few minutes go by, three people exit the building, get into the car and drive off.

"Hmm," says the physi...

A few minutes go by, three people exit the building, get into the car and drive off.

"Hmm," says the physi...

Thanks for nothing.

When they investigated they found he had died of dehydration, slumped over an untranslated copy of Homer's Iliad that had been sent to him by mistake.

Scrawled on the margins were the words "This is the most complicated equation I have ever seen"

Scrawled on the margins were the words "This is the most complicated equation I have ever seen"

He goes through the training, and proceeds to take the written final exam.

Question 1: You come across a car that is flipped upside down and on fire with the driver still in it. What do you do?

The mathematician answers with the steps he was taught in training.

Question 2: You ...

Question 1: You come across a car that is flipped upside down and on fire with the driver still in it. What do you do?

The mathematician answers with the steps he was taught in training.

Question 2: You ...

At midnight, the engineer is awakened by the smell of smoke. He takes a step down the hall and sees a small fire. Thinking fast, he dumps his wastebasket, fills it with water, and puts out the flames. Satisfied, he goes back to bed.

Later on, the physicist is also awakened by the smell of sm...

Later on, the physicist is also awakened by the smell of sm...

The mathematician replies "Four, Mr President."

Unsatisfied, Reagan asks a statistician. "What is two plus two?"

The statistician says "Based on our research, most people think it's between 3.8 and 4.3."

Still unsatisfied, Reagan asks an economist: "What is two plus two?"

...

Unsatisfied, Reagan asks a statistician. "What is two plus two?"

The statistician says "Based on our research, most people think it's between 3.8 and 4.3."

Still unsatisfied, Reagan asks an economist: "What is two plus two?"

...

A mathematician comes home at 3:00 AM and gets a good shouting at from his wife

"You said you'd be home at 11:45, this is so unlike you!

The mathematician calmly responds,"No dear I said I'd be back home at a quarter *of* twelve."

"You said you'd be home at 11:45, this is so unlike you!

The mathematician calmly responds,"No dear I said I'd be back home at a quarter *of* twelve."

Because he kept trying to half the distance

a mathematician went to a church where tanning was not permitted. he had justt been at the beach so the priest told him to leave. He asked: why? the priest answered:

cos tan sin

cos tan sin

Right away the engineer finds some stick and stones, which he uses to build a hammer, which he uses to break open coconuts to get some nutrients.

After five days eating plenty of coconuts, he decides to go looking for the physicist.

He finds the physicist quite thin, he clearly have no...

After five days eating plenty of coconuts, he decides to go looking for the physicist.

He finds the physicist quite thin, he clearly have no...

When it’s his turn one officer suddenly starts jumping around exited and yells: “There is a bomb in this man luggage!” The mathematician is immediately arrested, searched and confined in a separate room. A while later authorities come in and ask him what the hell he was thinking, to which the mathem...

I'd tell him, thanks for nothing.

They can work out any problem with a pencil

They want to see the geome-tree of it

Because the root of their negativity is imaginary.

The engineer wakes up and smells smoke. He goes out into the hallway and sees a fire, so he fills a trashcan from his room with water and douses the fire. He goes back to bed.

Later, the physicist wakes up and smells smoke. He opens his door and sees a fire in the hallway. He walks down the h...

Later, the physicist wakes up and smells smoke. He opens his door and sees a fire in the hallway. He walks down the h...

His colleague asks "Where did you get the bike?"

"That's really curious. Imagine, I was walking down the road, suddenly that young woman comes along on this bike, jumps off, takes her dress off 'til she's naked and says "Take what you want". So I took the bike."

"Makes sense", his coll...

"That's really curious. Imagine, I was walking down the road, suddenly that young woman comes along on this bike, jumps off, takes her dress off 'til she's naked and says "Take what you want". So I took the bike."

"Makes sense", his coll...

6\*9 + 6 + 9 = 69

He could never reach the city limit.

This joke *may* contain profanity. 🤔

Let me test math awareness of this sub. This was told by a professor in a class.

Answer: because it left residue at every pole!

Answer: because it left residue at every pole!

They always find the X's

He was trying to find the x.

Because OCT 31 = DEC 25.

This might be the nerdiest joke I know. Here's a bonus mathematical nerd joke:

Why don't riddles work in octal notation?

Because seven ten eleven.

This might be the nerdiest joke I know. Here's a bonus mathematical nerd joke:

Why don't riddles work in octal notation?

Because seven ten eleven.

Be there or b^2

Me: You mean by addition?

Him: No, by subtraction.

Me: I guess by subtracting negative 3? Idk

Him: You know this world would be a better place if people like you don’t overcomplicate things. Just remove the “S” dumbass

Him: No, by subtraction.

Me: I guess by subtracting negative 3? Idk

Him: You know this world would be a better place if people like you don’t overcomplicate things. Just remove the “S” dumbass

A mathematician and a physicist were arguing over whose field of study was better. They decided to settle the argument by posing questions. The mathematician went first, and posed a complicated mathematical problem. With a great deal of effort, several books of mathematical tables and techniques,...

The directions said, “Put it in the oven at 180°”.

This joke *may* contain profanity. 🤔

"Unfortunately, since heaven is quite full at the moment, I am only going to allow one of you in," the Devil says. "Whoever can ask me a question that I cannot answer correctly will be admitted into heaven. The rest will go to hell."

So the scientist steps up and asks him, "What is the most c...

So the scientist steps up and asks him, "What is the most c...

And the Director tells him: "You physicists and your experiments are so damn expensive with all your special machines and exotic materials. Why can't you be more like the mathematicians? All they ever ask for is paper, pencils and a trashcan. Or even better, the philosophers. They don't even need a ...

According to the police reports, their days were numbered.

The bartender asks him, "Hey, do you know what April showers bring?"

The mathematician says, "Pilgrims!"

The mathematician says, "Pilgrims!"

It takes forever.

The physicist builds a big fence and slowly reduces the size until he can't reduce the fence any longer.

The engineer measures each sheep, stacks them in a specific way, and then builds a fence around them.

The mathematician builds a small fence around himself, then defines himself to ...

The engineer measures each sheep, stacks them in a specific way, and then builds a fence around them.

The mathematician builds a small fence around himself, then defines himself to ...

This joke *may* contain profanity. 🤔

The philosopher goes first and asks the Devil a very hard philosophy question -- to which the Devil snaps his fingers, gets a book, and gives the answer. The mathematician tries as well -- but the Devil instantly gets the answer. When it comes to the blonde, she pulls up a chair and drills three hol...

A good logician never reveals his ticks.

This joke *may* contain profanity. 🤔

The Physicist runs to a chalkboard, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds that amount, puts out the fire, and survives.

The engineer pulls out a calculater, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds 10 times tha...

The engineer pulls out a calculater, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds 10 times tha...

01001001 00100000 01100100 01101111 01101110 00100111 01110100 00100000 01101100 01101001 01101011 01100101 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 01110010 00100000 01101011 01101001 01101110 01100100

An octagram.

He can binomial.

An engineer wakes up and realizes his bed is on fire. He spots a sink and a bucket, so he goes to the sink, fills the bucket, and douses the fire before going back to sleep.

A mathematician wakes up to find his bed is on fire. He spots the sink and the bucket and then goes to sleep satisfied ...

A mathematician wakes up to find his bed is on fire. He spots the sink and the bucket and then goes to sleep satisfied ...

In 105% of cases, you can't!

He died in his prime.

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