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mathematicsscientistmathphysicistlogiciantheoristleonhard eulerphysicsmathematicalibn al-haythampythagorasstatisticianprofessorisaac newtonlinguist

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

   The first mathematician orders a beer 

The second orders half a beer 

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies 

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender r...

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A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were in a hotel for a convention.

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were in a hotel for a convention. Then, in the middle of the night for no apparent reason, a fire breaks out in the engineer's wastebasket. The engineer rushes over to the bathroom, empties out the ice bucket, fills it with water and pours it into the ...

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So a philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at starbucks.

So a philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at starbucks.

The mathematician turns to the physicist sitting next to him and says "You know, physics is just applied mathematics!"

They all have a good laugh, at which point the philosopher interjects from across the table. "And...

Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?

He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

How did the mathematician solve his constipation problem?

He worked it out with a pencil.

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.

The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What does two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says...

During a survey three people of various professions - a mathematician, a sociologist and an accountant - were asked "How much is 2+2?"

The mathematician answered "Four".

The sociologist answered "Assuming that we want the answer that is in accordance with the Western social norms, four."

The accountant asked "And how much do you want it to be?"

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a ruler.

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Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.

Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.
"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heave...

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A Mathematician, and Physicist, and an Engineer

are asked to find the volume of a red rubber ball.

The mathematician knows that the volume of a sphere has been mathematically determined so they measures the radius and puts it into the proper formula.

The physicist knows that Archimedes discovered how to determine the volume of an o...

A mathematician comes home at three in the morning.

His wife has been waiting for him and says angrily, "You're late. You said you'd be home at 11:45!"

"Actually," the mathematician replies, "I said I'd be home at a quarter of 12."

In a hotel a engineer, a physicist and a mathematician...

... are sleeping when a fire breaks out.

The engineer wakes up, notices the fire, grabs the next fire extinguisher and starts spraying.... After what seems hours of heroic fighting the fire is gone and he goes to sleep again.

But the fire breaks out again. The physicist wakes up, n...

A Mathematician, an Economist, and an Accountant are getting trashed at a bar...

Worried that they are getting too drunk, the bartender walks up to them to ask a simple question. What's 5 + 5?

The Mathematician, surprised at such a simple question answers it's 10 and always 10 that's just math.

The bartender looks at the Economist.

The Economist thinks ab...

What's the difference between an extrovert and an introvert mathematician?

The introvert mathematician looks at his shoes when he's talking to you.

The extrovert one looks at yours.

An architect, a physicist, and a mathematician are sleeping in a hotel. It suddenly catches fire in the middle of the night

The architect is the first to wake up to the fire.

“This hotel is similar in design to many i studied during college. If I recall correctly, I should be able to find the fire exit with ease” he notes to himself.

He runs out of his room, down the stairs, and locates a fire exit and es...

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are asked "what is pi?"

The mathematician says "pi is the ratio of a circumference to its diameter".

The physicist says "pi is 3.1415"

The engineer says "it's about 3"

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are asked to design a fence.

The fence is required to contain as much land as possible for the least amount of fence material.

The engineer says "easy, just make a circular fence"

The physicist says, "wait a second! If you build the fence across the equator you'll have an even higher area/fence ratio!"

The ...

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician

Have to build a fence around a flock of sheep, using as little material as possible..

The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it.

The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock.
...

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first one goes up to the bar and orders a beer. The next one says, “I’ll have half of what he ordered”. The next mathematician says the same thing, and so on. After a couple of orders the bartender slams two beers down on the counter and says, “know you’re limits!”

A meteorologist, a biologist, and a mathematician are eating breakfast.

They are sitting on a hill overlooking an office building which has just opened for the day. As they eat, they see 100 business people enter and 101 exit.

The meteorologist says, "Well within my margin of error".

The biologist says, "I suppose one of them gave birth".

The mathem...

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are asked to measure the volume of a basketball

The mathematician grabs a cord to measure its circumference and from there works out its volume.

The physicist pushes the basketball into a bucket of water and measures the water displacement.

The engineer looks it up on the catalog.

An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a chemist walk into a bar.

The engineer orders a half pint,

The physicist orders 1/2 a pint,

The mathematician orders 0.5 pints,

and the Chemist orders 5.0 \* 10\^-1 pints.

How Does a Deaf Mathematician Say Hello?

With a Sine Wave!

A mathematician and his colleague go to a diner…

Professor Wilkins, a professor of topology, and his colleague, Professor Thompson of the statistics department, go to a diner near their building for lunch.

“So, what do you figure the chances are that I can get a free donut with lunch if I ask the waitress nicely?” asked Wilkins.

“Fre...

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A doctor, a psychologist, and a mathematician go to a horse race.

They all make their bets and plan to meet at their favorite watering hole after the race to compare their results. The doctor arrives last, orders a round for the group saying:

"I sure cleaned up! Lake Cookie was pegged for second place so I snuck into his stable just before the race and juic...

A proctologist changed careers to become a mathematician...

Specializing in polypnomials.

A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer are tasked with finding the volume of a rubber ball

The mathematician takes the ball, measures its diameter, then calculates the volume.

The physicist submerges the ball in water and measures the amount of water displaced.

The engineer twists and turns the ball, looking for the model number.

A biologist, a chemist, and a mathematician are looking at a glass of water, half filled.

The biologist says the cell count is too low.

The chemist says this solution needs to be buffered.

The mathematician says the coffee is very weak.

A mathematician, a physicist and a biologist all stand in front of an empty house.

Suddenly, two people enter the house and after a couple of minutes, three people leave through the front door.

The biologist says - “They must’ve reproduced!”

The physicist says - “This must be a measurement error!”

The mathematician says - “If one more person enters, the house...

How do mathematicians deal with constipation?

They sit down to work it out with a pencil.

What do you get when you cross a musician, a mathematician, and a lumberjack?

A Logarithm

TIL about the Indian mathematician Brahmagupta who developed the concept of Zero in 628 AD

Thanks for nothing Brahmagupta.

Never discuss Infinity with a Mathematician.

They can go on about it forever.

I dated a mathematician in college, she wanted to give me a Möbius striptease.

The clothes just kept coming off and off and off and off and off and off and off and off and off and off and off and off and off and off and off and off and off and off and off and off and off and off and off and off and off and off and off and off and off and off and off and off and off and off and...

What do pirates and mathematicians have in common?

They both keep searching for 'x'

Why was the alcoholic mathematician arrested by the police?

Drinking and deriving

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A priest, an engineer and a mathematician stand on the roof of a burning house.

The only way down seems to be a big leap down into a nearby pool. The house is high though and the pool small.

The priest is ready right away for his leap of faith. "So god help me!" He says, takes a second to gather himself, sprints towards the edge and jumps. He just barely misses the pool....

A mathematician wants more excitement and wants to become a volunteer fireman on the weekends

He goes through the training, and proceeds to take the written final exam.

Question 1: You come across a car that is flipped upside down and on fire with the driver still in it. What do you do?

The mathematician answers with the steps he was taught in training.

Question 2: You ...

A mathematician And an engineer decided to take part in an experiment.

They were both put in a room and at the other end was a naked woman on a bed. The experimenter said that every 30 seconds they could travel half the distance between themselves and the woman. The mathematician stormed off, calling it pointless. The engineer was still in. The mathematician said “Don’...

What's the most important personality trait for a mathematician?

Accountability.

Why didn’t the mathematician travel?

He could never reach the city limit.

What do John Wick and mathematicians have in common?

They can work out any problem with a pencil

Why do mathematicians love the forest

They want to see the geome-tree of it

A mathematician's son asks him:" dad, what is an orgy?"

The Mathematician replies:" 230 divided by 3.3."

How do mathematicians scold their children?

If I've told you n times, I've told you n+1 times........

Why did the mathematician go to the strip club?

He was trying to find the x.

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There once was a mathematician.

He made it his life’s goal to tackle one of the greatest unsolved calculus problems in history. For months he worked, filling blackboards with numbers and lines, to no avail.

After a year of struggling, he was ready to give up. He pulled out the bottle of wine that was *meant* to toast his s...

One day, a mathematician was found dead in his office....

When they investigated they found he had died of dehydration, slumped over an untranslated copy of Homer's Iliad that had been sent to him by mistake.
Scrawled on the margins were the words "This is the most complicated equation I have ever seen"

Ronald Reagan asks a mathematician: "What is two plus two?"

The mathematician replies "Four, Mr President."

Unsatisfied, Reagan asks a statistician. "What is two plus two?"

The statistician says "Based on our research, most people think it's between 3.8 and 4.3."

Still unsatisfied, Reagan asks an economist: "What is two plus two?"
...

A mathematician, a biologist and a physicist.

A mathematician, a biologist and a physicist are sitting on a Starbucks patio across from an abandoned building when a car pulls up, and two people get out and enter the building.

A few minutes go by, three people exit the building, get into the car and drive off.

"Hmm," says the physi...

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician get stranded on a desert island…

Right away the engineer finds some stick and stones, which he uses to build a hammer, which he uses to break open coconuts to get some nutrients.

After five days eating plenty of coconuts, he decides to go looking for the physicist.

He finds the physicist quite thin, he clearly have no...

Why couldn't the mathematician cross the road?

Because he kept trying to half the distance

A mathematician is going through security check at an airport

When it’s his turn one officer suddenly starts jumping around exited and yells: “There is a bomb in this man luggage!” The mathematician is immediately arrested, searched and confined in a separate room. A while later authorities come in and ask him what the hell he was thinking, to which the mathem...

What did the Mathematician say to his friends after arranging to meet?

Be there or b^2

Why do mathematicians confuse Halloween and Christmas?

Because OCT 31 = DEC 25.

This might be the nerdiest joke I know. Here's a bonus mathematical nerd joke:

Why don't riddles work in octal notation?

Because seven ten eleven.

A group of mathematicians were recently caught for robbing,

According to the police reports, their days were numbered.

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are staying in a hotel.

The engineer wakes up and smells smoke. He goes out into the hallway and sees a fire, so he fills a trashcan from his room with water and douses the fire. He goes back to bed.

Later, the physicist wakes up and smells smoke. He opens his door and sees a fire in the hallway. He walks down the h...

Why did the mathematician spill all of his food in the oven rather than a cooking tray?

The directions said, “Put it in the oven at 180°”.

I'm no mathematician, but...

6\*9 + 6 + 9 = 69

Never go bowling with a mathematician

They always find the X's

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

It takes forever.

How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. It's left to the reader as an exercise.

Two physicists and two mathematicians are invited to a conference at university

(You may think you’ve heard this before but I’ve got a twist on the ending)

The four guys meet up and find a train to the conference.

At the train station, the physicists buy two tickets each, but the mathematicians only buy one.

They board the train and begin talking, but when...

An engineer, physicist, and mathematician have been imprisoned.

At some point, the warden realizes that the three men haven't been fed in a while. He accompanies an officer to check up on them. The warden and officer arrive at the first cell that contained the engineer. To their astonishment, the cell was empty and the wall had a hole in it.

"How is that ...

What do mathematicians often ask themselves?

"Step-function, what are you doing?"

A mathematician came home and told his wife, “sorry honey, but I’m leaving you for my 18 year old assistant. I’ll be home in a few hours and I’d like for you to be gone.”

He got back home and found a note that read,” hi honey, I’ve left and decided to run off with the 18 year old pool boy. We are both 54 years old, and I think you’ll figure out as a mathematician that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18.”

My mathematician girlfriend was sad she couldn't afford me a gift for Christmas. So to cheer her up

I said, "Baby you're my Christmas gift. It's the 𝙩𝙝𝙤𝙩 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙘𝙤𝙪𝙣𝙩𝙨."

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician spend the night in the same hotel.

At midnight, the engineer is awakened by the smell of smoke. He takes a step down the hall and sees a small fire. Thinking fast, he dumps his wastebasket, fills it with water, and puts out the flames. Satisfied, he goes back to bed.

Later on, the physicist is also awakened by the smell of sm...

A mathematician comes home at 3:00 AM

A mathematician comes home at 3:00 AM and gets a good shouting at from his wife

"You said you'd be home at 11:45, this is so unlike you!

The mathematician calmly responds,"No dear I said I'd be back home at a quarter *of* twelve."

So there were 3 Mathematicians and 3 Engineers...

... and they were all traveling to the same conference. At the train station, the mathematicians each bought a train ticket, and the engineers only bought one to share between the three of them.

"What a bunch of idiots," the mathematicians said. "When the ticket master comes through, they'll ...

A mathematician walks into a bar on a rainy April day...

The bartender asks him, "Hey, do you know what April showers bring?"

The mathematician says, "Pilgrims!"

An 89 year old mathematician had passed away.

He died in his prime.

Did you hear about the mathematicians who got a divorce?

There were irreconcilable differences and one was a functioning alcoholic

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Why did a mathematician named his dog Cauchy?

Let me test math awareness of this sub. This was told by a professor in a class.

Answer: because it left residue at every pole!

Why does a mathematician with tourrettes lead a private life?

A good logician never reveals his ticks.

What does a mathematician call their 80-year old grandmother?

An octagram.

How do you murder a mathematician?

With a hypotenoose.

How did the mathematician kill himself?

With a hypote-noose

Why are mathematicians always so happy?

Because the root of their negativity is imaginary.

A mathematician, an engineer, a lawyer and an accountant were all up for a job interview

A mathematician, an engineer, a lawyer, and an accountant were all up for a job interview:

The mathematician was called in and asked as part of the interview, “What is 1+1?” The mathematician gets his calculator out and does the calculation and says “2.”

The engineer is then asked the ...

Words from the mathematician's Bible

And the Lord spoke to the animals, and he said "Go forth and multiply!"

The snakes came up to him and said "Oh Lord, forgive us, but we cannot fulfill your commandment, we cannot multiply, for we are adders".

"Go and cut down the trees and build furniture out of them", said the Lord, "...

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What's a mathematician's favourite kind of boob?

Quantitties

A mathematician arrives at work on a bike

His colleague asks "Where did you get the bike?"

"That's really curious. Imagine, I was walking down the road, suddenly that young woman comes along on this bike, jumps off, takes her dress off 'til she's naked and says "Take what you want". So I took the bike."

"Makes sense", his coll...

Why do mathematicians confuse Christmas and Halloween?

Because 25 Dec = 31 Oct

The French mathematician really tried to convince the antivaxxer,...

"but 'e is not rational."

Did you know that the first ever musicians were also mathematicians?

Their music was based off log-rhythms

What does a mathematician say when he's drowning?

Log log log log

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A mathematician, a philosopher, and a blonde all go to Hell and receive a challenge from the Devil -- if they can stump him, they're free to go to heaven instead.

The philosopher goes first and asks the Devil a very hard philosophy question -- to which the Devil snaps his fingers, gets a book, and gives the answer. The mathematician tries as well -- but the Devil instantly gets the answer. When it comes to the blonde, she pulls up a chair and drills three hol...

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A scientist, a mathematician, and in idiot all die in a car wreck and go to Heaven.

"Unfortunately, since heaven is quite full at the moment, I am only going to allow one of you in," the Devil says. "Whoever can ask me a question that I cannot answer correctly will be admitted into heaven. The rest will go to hell."

So the scientist steps up and asks him, "What is the most c...

A mathematician asked me to turn 6 into 9 by subtraction

Me: You mean by addition?

Him: No, by subtraction.

Me: I guess by subtracting negative 3? Idk

Him: You know this world would be a better place if people like you don’t overcomplicate things. Just remove the “S” dumbass

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What did the mathematician say looking at 144 anuses?

That's disgusting

A mathematician and a physicist were arguing over whose field of study was better.

A mathematician and a physicist were arguing over whose field of study was better. They decided to settle the argument by posing questions. The mathematician went first, and posed a complicated mathematical problem. With a great deal of effort, several books of mathematical tables and techniques,...

I went out to dinner with a mathematician who was addicted to addition...

I have never seen so many positive signs on the first date.

Why do christian mathematicians hate summer?

It's sin cos tan.

What did the mathematician say when he dropped his work papers into his lunch snack?

The proof is in the pudding.

3 mathematicians walk into a bar

The bar tender asks the first, hey do you 3 want a drink, he responds “I’m not sure”
The bar tender asks the second, hey do you 3 want a drink, he responds “I’m not sure”
The bar tender, frustrated, asks the third do you 3 want a drink, he responds “yes we do”

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a mathematician a riddler and a dumbass were at the gate of heaven

the angel at the gate frowned and apologized to the men "im sorry, but heaven is too full! if you want to come in you will have to trick the devil!" the devil appeared, smiling at the men, "well which one of you want to go to hell first?". after a pause, the mathematician walked up and handed the de...

A mathematician stared at a number line

It started at one and then skipped every second number. He thought to himself "This is odd."

My friend is a mathematician and I asked what he makes. He said $144K

I replied "Is that gross?"

An engineer and a mathematician.

An engineer wakes up and realizes his bed is on fire. He spots a sink and a bucket, so he goes to the sink, fills the bucket, and douses the fire before going back to sleep.

A mathematician wakes up to find his bed is on fire. He spots the sink and the bucket and then goes to sleep satisfied ...

A Mathematician, an Electrician and a Lawyer are having a job interview.

The Interviewer asked the three Men, "What's the answer to one plus one?"

The Mathematician instantly replied, "Two!"

The Electrician went away, measured lots of things, and eventually came back and gladly said, "Two"

The lawyer looked around, closed the door, leaned in towards ...

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