UPJOKE

mathematicsscientistmathphysicistlogiciantheoristleonhard eulerphysicsbernoullimathematicalibn al-haythamgeometergaloisleibnizpythagoras

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A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were in a hotel for a convention. Then, in the middle of the night for no apparent reason, a fire breaks out in the engineer's wastebasket. The engineer rushes over to the bathroom, empties out the ice bucket, fills it with water and pours it into the ...

The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little about basic mathematics. The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math.

The first mathematician goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the second calls over the w...

The first mathematician goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the second calls over the w...

At the other end of this room,” the Game Master points out, “is a beautiful, young, naked, consenting woman. If you reach her, she will fulfill any and all of your fantasies.”

The mathematician and engineer both look at each other with excitement.

“The only rule is that each step you...

The mathematician and engineer both look at each other with excitement.

“The only rule is that each step you...

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender rema...

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender rema...

His wife has been waiting for him and says angrily, "You're late. You said you'd be home at 11:45!"

"Actually," the mathematician replies, "I said I'd be home at a quarter of 12."

"Actually," the mathematician replies, "I said I'd be home at a quarter of 12."

The first one orders one beer. The second one half of a beer. The next a quarter, the next one eighth, and so on...

The barkeeper is very annoyed and gives all of them together two beer.

The barkeeper is very annoyed and gives all of them together two beer.

... are sleeping when a fire breaks out.

The engineer wakes up, notices the fire, grabs the next fire extinguisher and starts spraying.... After what seems hours of heroic fighting the fire is gone and he goes to sleep again.

But the fire breaks out again. The physicist wakes up, notic...

The engineer wakes up, notices the fire, grabs the next fire extinguisher and starts spraying.... After what seems hours of heroic fighting the fire is gone and he goes to sleep again.

But the fire breaks out again. The physicist wakes up, notic...

He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

Thanks for nothing.

Because the root of their negativity is imaginary.

This joke *may* contain profanity. 🤔

So a philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at starbucks.

The mathematician turns to the physicist sitting next to him and says "You know, physics is just applied mathematics!"

They all have a good laugh, at which point the philosopher interjects from across the table. "And...

The mathematician turns to the physicist sitting next to him and says "You know, physics is just applied mathematics!"

They all have a good laugh, at which point the philosopher interjects from across the table. "And...

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Quantitties

First up is the engineer. The employer asks him what is 2+2 is?

The engineer a little confused answer 4 of course.

The employer thanks him and calls in the mathematician.

Again, he asks what 2+2 is?

The mathematician states that with high certainty it’s around 4.

The em...

The engineer a little confused answer 4 of course.

The employer thanks him and calls in the mathematician.

Again, he asks what 2+2 is?

The mathematician states that with high certainty it’s around 4.

The em...

At some point, the warden realizes that the three men haven't been fed in a while. He accompanies an officer to check up on them. The warden and officer arrive at the first cell that contained the engineer. To their astonishment, the cell was empty and the wall had a hole in it.

"How is that ...

"How is that ...

"What's the big idea, coming home at three in the morning in this state?" she yells.

"Dear," says the moderately refreshed gentleman, "what time did I say I would be home?"

"Quarter of twelve, that's what you said!" screams the wife.

"...Well?" demands the mathematician.

"Dear," says the moderately refreshed gentleman, "what time did I say I would be home?"

"Quarter of twelve, that's what you said!" screams the wife.

"...Well?" demands the mathematician.

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After some struggle, the coworker finds that he can't figure out the answer in just one day, so the next day he tells the mathematician that he'll need two more days to find a proper solution.

Two more days pass and he still can't solve the equation, so he goes back and asks him for just thre...

Two more days pass and he still can't solve the equation, so he goes back and asks him for just thre...

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In this bar, a pint of beer costs one dollar

The first one asks for a pint of beer, then the second one asks for two pints of beer, then the third one asks for three pints of beer, and so it follows for every single mathematician there

When they're all done, the men ask for the bill an...

The first one asks for a pint of beer, then the second one asks for two pints of beer, then the third one asks for three pints of beer, and so it follows for every single mathematician there

When they're all done, the men ask for the bill an...

... and they were all traveling to the same conference. At the train station, the mathematicians each bought a train ticket, and the engineers only bought one to share between the three of them.

"What a bunch of idiots," the mathematicians said. "When the ticket master comes through, they'll ...

"What a bunch of idiots," the mathematicians said. "When the ticket master comes through, they'll ...

The mathematician takes the ball, measures its diameter, then calculates the volume. The physicist submerges the ball in water and measures the amount of water displaced. The engineer twists and turns the ball, looking for the model number.

The time traveler says, "Hello, in my grad school I have learned that it is impossible for any number which is a power greater than the second to be written as the sum of two like powers such as x^n + y^n = z^n for n > 2."

"Show me how you proved it," the mathematician says.

"Indeed...

"Show me how you proved it," the mathematician says.

"Indeed...

He can binomial.

An engineer wakes up and realizes his bed is on fire. He spots a sink and a bucket, so he goes to the sink, fills the bucket, and douses the fire before going back to sleep.

A mathematician wakes up to find his bed is on fire. He spots the sink and the bucket and then goes to sleep satisfied ...

A mathematician wakes up to find his bed is on fire. He spots the sink and the bucket and then goes to sleep satisfied ...

He had to work it out with a pencil.

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.

The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What does two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says...

The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What does two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says...

They were both put in a room and at the other end was a naked woman on a bed. The experimenter said that every 30 seconds they could travel half the distance between themselves and the woman. The mathematician stormed off, calling it pointless. The engineer was still in. The mathematician said “Don’...

The physicists buy 3 tickets(one for each) and the mathematicians say they have a special method and buy 1 ticket(1 for the 3 of them)

On the train the mathematicians lock up in the same toilet and when the conductor knocked and asked for the ticket, one mathematician put his hand out with t...

On the train the mathematicians lock up in the same toilet and when the conductor knocked and asked for the ticket, one mathematician put his hand out with t...

This joke *may* contain profanity. 🤔

The Physicist runs to a chalkboard, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds that amount, puts out the fire, and survives.

The engineer pulls out a calculater, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds 10 times tha...

The engineer pulls out a calculater, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds 10 times tha...

A mathematician is afraid of flying due to the small risk of a terrorist attack. So, on every flight he takes a bomb with his hand luggage. "The probability of having a bomb on a plane is very low", he reason, "and the probability of having two bombs on the same plane is virtually zero."

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Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering...

"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering...

A biologist, a physicist, and a mathematician are all eating on the patio of a restaurant. Across the street, they see two people walk into a building, and a few moments later three people walk out.

The biologist says, "Oh, they must have reproduced."

The physicist remarks, "There m...

The biologist says, "Oh, they must have reproduced."

The physicist remarks, "There m...

and begin to argue about the intelligence of the waitresses. One mathematician gets up, and on his way to the bathroom stops his server. He tells her: "I'll give you $5 is you answer "one-third x cubed" to the next question I ask you, ok?"

The server nods, and walks away. When the mathematician...

The server nods, and walks away. When the mathematician...

using as little material as possible. The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it. The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock. The mathematicians thinks for a while, then builds a fence around hi...

A real tan gent

The bartender asks "what will you all be having?" The mathematician then says, "I'll have a beer and my friend will have half a beer, my other friend will have a quarter of a beer. My other friend will have an eighth of a beer, then a sixteenth," etc. This goes on for a while and after about 40 or m...

... arguing about the average mathematical knowledge of the American public. One mathematician

claimed that this average was woefully inadequate, the other maintained that

it was surprisingly high.

"I'll tell you what," said the cynic, "ask that waitress a simple math que...

claimed that this average was woefully inadequate, the other maintained that

it was surprisingly high.

"I'll tell you what," said the cynic, "ask that waitress a simple math que...

Calc u later!

Axe-iomatically

the Edmonton Eulers

It's the Times Square

Hermitwo and Hermithree.

By the way pronounce "axes".

This joke *may* contain profanity. 🤔

St. Peter looks over the three of them and says, "Heaven's getting pretty full, so I can only let one of you in. The other two will have to go to hell." So he snaps his fingers and Satan appears.

Satan says, "Each of you can ask me one question. If you can stump me on the first try, you win, ...

Satan says, "Each of you can ask me one question. If you can stump me on the first try, you win, ...

This joke *may* contain profanity. 🤔

...St. Peter says to them" Sorry, heaven is quite full, so we can only let one of you in."

Suddenly "Poof!" Lucifer appears.

Lucifer tells them "You may each ask me one question. If you are able to ask me a question that I cannot answer, you will be allowed into heaven; if not you will be sen...

Suddenly "Poof!" Lucifer appears.

Lucifer tells them "You may each ask me one question. If you are able to ask me a question that I cannot answer, you will be allowed into heaven; if not you will be sen...

The physicist builds a big fence and slowly reduces the size until he can't reduce the fence any longer.

The engineer measures each sheep, stacks them in a specific way, and then builds a fence around them.

The mathematician builds a small fence around himself, then defines himself to ...

The engineer measures each sheep, stacks them in a specific way, and then builds a fence around them.

The mathematician builds a small fence around himself, then defines himself to ...

A mathematician walks into a bar and orders a root beer. The bartender brings him one. "You idiot. You poured it into a square glass," the mathematician complains. "Now I just have beer."

A very heavy-set man is seen going in.

A while later two very skinny men exit.

The physicist says "To within experimental error, the conservation of mass has been demonstrated."

The biologist says "reproduction by mitosis must have taken place."

The mathematician scratche...

A while later two very skinny men exit.

The physicist says "To within experimental error, the conservation of mass has been demonstrated."

The biologist says "reproduction by mitosis must have taken place."

The mathematician scratche...

They'll plot something sinister.

For them, division and multiplication are the same thing.

As was her custom, the evening manager was going from table to table greeting her guests. When she got to the first table, there were eight mathematicians seated. Strange, she thought, since there were only six seats, but some of them were getting a bit frisky and were sitting on others' laps.

...

...

This joke *may* contain profanity. 🤔

A philosopher, a mathematician, and an idiot die and go to heaven.

They arrive at the pearly gates and St. Peter greets them with a smile, but the devil is standing beside them. The three men stand there looking very confused. Saint Peter tells them that heaven is getting very crowded, and o...

They arrive at the pearly gates and St. Peter greets them with a smile, but the devil is standing beside them. The three men stand there looking very confused. Saint Peter tells them that heaven is getting very crowded, and o...

The punchline is trivial and has been left as an exercise for the reader.

A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “How much for a drink?”

“For you, sir, no charge!”

What's 2 times 2?

Physicist: “After some measurements I am fairly sure it is somewhere between 3.81 and 4.13!”

Mathematician: “After some consideration ...

“For you, sir, no charge!”

What's 2 times 2?

Physicist: “After some measurements I am fairly sure it is somewhere between 3.81 and 4.13!”

Mathematician: “After some consideration ...

He keeps thinking about his X and Y's

With a pro-tractor.

This joke *may* contain profanity. 🤔

He made it his life’s goal to tackle one of the greatest unsolved calculus problems in history. For months he worked, filling blackboards with numbers and lines, to no avail.

After a year of struggling, he was ready to give up. He pulled out the bottle of wine that was *meant* to toast his s...

After a year of struggling, he was ready to give up. He pulled out the bottle of wine that was *meant* to toast his s...

The Mathematician replies:" 230 divided by 3.3."

Because he had too many problems.

“If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times…”

He got back home and found a note that read,” hi honey, I’ve left and decided to run off with the 18 year old pool boy. We are both 54 years old, and I think you’ll figure out as a mathematician that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18.”

Because they're never-ending and irrational!

A mathematician is interviewing for a prestigious job. To make sure he has the right morals, the interviewer gives him the following situation:

"You're late for a meeting, when you come across a burning house, a fire hydrant, and a fire hose lying across the street. What do you do?"

...

"You're late for a meeting, when you come across a burning house, a fire hydrant, and a fire hose lying across the street. What do you do?"

...

A mathematician comes home at 3:00 AM and gets a good shouting at from his wife

"You said you'd be home at 11:45, this is so unlike you!

The mathematician calmly responds,"No dear I said I'd be back home at a quarter *of* twelve."

"You said you'd be home at 11:45, this is so unlike you!

The mathematician calmly responds,"No dear I said I'd be back home at a quarter *of* twelve."

The first one orders a beer

The second one orders two beers

The third one orders three beers.

The fourth one orders six beers.

Each one keeps ordering the sum of all previous orders. Eventually the Bartender gets annoyed and asks his co-worker "How the hell am I supposed...

The second one orders two beers

The third one orders three beers.

The fourth one orders six beers.

Each one keeps ordering the sum of all previous orders. Eventually the Bartender gets annoyed and asks his co-worker "How the hell am I supposed...

2 people walk in and a while later, 3 people walk out.

The biologist says: They must have reproduced.

The engineer says: Our assumptions must have been wrong.

The mathematician says: If someone walks into the house, it will be empty again.

(Found this in a comment by Superkin...

The biologist says: They must have reproduced.

The engineer says: Our assumptions must have been wrong.

The mathematician says: If someone walks into the house, it will be empty again.

(Found this in a comment by Superkin...

Drinking and deriving

They take separate rooms at the hotel.

The mathematician can't sleep so he goes to his balcony and looks into the chemist's room.

A fire breaks out in the chemist's room and the mathematician panics.

He then sees the chemist wake up calmly and create a solution from the ingred...

The mathematician can't sleep so he goes to his balcony and looks into the chemist's room.

A fire breaks out in the chemist's room and the mathematician panics.

He then sees the chemist wake up calmly and create a solution from the ingred...

Because it was prime real estate

A husband and wife are mathematicians. Husband asks the wife if she needs anything from the store. She looks in the fridge and says she needs eggs.

"How many?" he asks standing right next to her.

She yells, "4!".

He wonders for a moment why she yelled, figures it out and comes back...

"How many?" he asks standing right next to her.

She yells, "4!".

He wonders for a moment why she yelled, figures it out and comes back...

A mathematician was interviewing for a job. The interviewer asks him - "You are walking towards your office and running late for a very important meeting and you glimpse a building on fire with people screaming for help. What will you do?".

The mathematician thinks for a while and replies : "Peop...

The mathematician thinks for a while and replies : "Peop...

In the middle of the night, the hotel catches fire. The engineer wakes up, sees the fire in his room, turns on every faucet in his room to flood the place. He says to himself, "ok I've put out the fire," and he goes back to bed.

The physicist wakes up and sees the fire. He makes some assumpti...

The physicist wakes up and sees the fire. He makes some assumpti...

But he knew it was <3.

One day a math teacher decided that she wanted to follow her dreams of being a rapper, but she needed a stage name.

After a bit of thinking she finally settles on the name “Absolute Value”.

Why absolute value? Because she’s got the bars!

After a bit of thinking she finally settles on the name “Absolute Value”.

Why absolute value? Because she’s got the bars!

So he asked his friend to compare his good looks in terms he could understand.

After little thought his friend says: "You're about as good looking as you are bad looking."

"Well that's just mean."

After little thought his friend says: "You're about as good looking as you are bad looking."

"Well that's just mean."

The proctor says over the intercom, “every time the bell rings you can move half the distance to the woman.”

The mathematician gets furious and leaves, saying to the engineer on the way out, “You fool! Don’t you understand you can never actually reach the woman?”

The engineer smirks, “...

The mathematician gets furious and leaves, saying to the engineer on the way out, “You fool! Don’t you understand you can never actually reach the woman?”

The engineer smirks, “...

His colleague asks "Where did you get the bike?"

"That's really curious. Imagine, I was walking down the road, suddenly that young woman comes along on this bike, jumps off, takes her dress off 'til she's naked and says "Take what you want". So I took the bike."

"Makes sense", his coll...

"That's really curious. Imagine, I was walking down the road, suddenly that young woman comes along on this bike, jumps off, takes her dress off 'til she's naked and says "Take what you want". So I took the bike."

"Makes sense", his coll...

A mathematician and an engineer are living together in a dorm when a fire starts in their room.

The mathematician wakes up and sees the fire. He quickly scans the room and sees a fire extinguisher and goes back to bed, happy knowing a solution exists.

The engineer wakes up, sees the f...

The mathematician wakes up and sees the fire. He quickly scans the room and sees a fire extinguisher and goes back to bed, happy knowing a solution exists.

The engineer wakes up, sees the f...

A man walked into a bar and asked the bartender to give him ten times as much as everyone else there.

So the bartender replies: "Now that is an order of magnitude."

(I didn't come up with this myself; I saw it somewhere and decided to put it here.)

So the bartender replies: "Now that is an order of magnitude."

(I didn't come up with this myself; I saw it somewhere and decided to put it here.)

A businessman interviews a mathematician, an accountant, and an economist for a job. He asks them, “What is 2 + 2?”

The mathematician answers, “Exactly 4.”

The accountant replies, “Depending on what your interest, depreciation, and taxes are, approximately 2.”

The economist wa...

The mathematician answers, “Exactly 4.”

The accountant replies, “Depending on what your interest, depreciation, and taxes are, approximately 2.”

The economist wa...

This joke *may* contain profanity. 🤔

A mathematician walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer.

The bartender says, "Sorry but we've run out of beer. We have only root beer for today."

"No problem", replies the mathematician. "Just serve me in a square glass."

The bartender says, "Sorry but we've run out of beer. We have only root beer for today."

"No problem", replies the mathematician. "Just serve me in a square glass."

The first question asked "You see a burning house and a hose disconnected from a fire hydrant. What do you do?" After much deliberation, the Mathematician decides he would attach the hose to the hydrant. He is then asked "You see a non-burning house and a hose disconnected from a fire hydrant. What ...

This joke *may* contain profanity. 🤔

fuck u/spez -- mass edited with redact.dev

This joke *may* contain profanity. 🤔

are asked to find the volume of a red rubber ball.

The mathematician knows that the volume of a sphere has been mathematically determined so they measures the radius and puts it into the proper formula.

The physicist knows that Archimedes discovered how to determine the volume of an o...

The mathematician knows that the volume of a sphere has been mathematically determined so they measures the radius and puts it into the proper formula.

The physicist knows that Archimedes discovered how to determine the volume of an o...

With a Sine Wave!

Did you hear about the convention of mathematician families, where they were having some problems in the kid's fairgrounds?

Some kids were fighting over the log ride and the slide.

They divided them up, got to the root of the problem, and worked it all out with a new slide rule.

Some kids were fighting over the log ride and the slide.

They divided them up, got to the root of the problem, and worked it all out with a new slide rule.

If things get hard they can always work it out with a pencil

Professor Wilkins, a professor of topology, and his colleague, Professor Thompson of the statistics department, go to a diner near their building for lunch.

“So, what do you figure the chances are that I can get a free donut with lunch if I ask the waitress nicely?” asked Wilkins.

“Fre...

“So, what do you figure the chances are that I can get a free donut with lunch if I ask the waitress nicely?” asked Wilkins.

“Fre...

The engineer orders a half pint,

The physicist orders 1/2 a pint,

The mathematician orders 0.5 pints,

and the Chemist orders 5.0 \* 10\^-1 pints.

The physicist orders 1/2 a pint,

The mathematician orders 0.5 pints,

and the Chemist orders 5.0 \* 10\^-1 pints.

6\*9 + 6 + 9 = 69

And they come across a group of cows with black and white spots, grazing in the distance. The journalist is excited: “We’ve seen a group of black and white spotted cows, therefore we can conclude that in this area all cows must have black and white spots!”

“You’re being too hasty, my friend”,...

“You’re being too hasty, my friend”,...

and are sentenced to beheading by guillotine.

On the day of the triple execution, they are brought to be beheaded. The priest blesses the execution, saying all is done in God's name, and the King orders the three executed.

The mathematician is to be killed first, and the executioner gi...

On the day of the triple execution, they are brought to be beheaded. The priest blesses the execution, saying all is done in God's name, and the King orders the three executed.

The mathematician is to be killed first, and the executioner gi...

The goal is to surround 10 sheeps with the minimum amount of wood to be used as fence.

The engineer goes first. Armed with the knowledge that the best perimeter to area is a circle, gathers the sheep together and build a circular fence around them.

The crowd goes crazy! That is unbeata...

The engineer goes first. Armed with the knowledge that the best perimeter to area is a circle, gathers the sheep together and build a circular fence around them.

The crowd goes crazy! That is unbeata...

They can go on about it forever.

The mathematician says "pi is the ratio of a circumference to its diameter".

The physicist says "pi is 3.1415"

The engineer says "it's about 3"

The physicist says "pi is 3.1415"

The engineer says "it's about 3"

One tests the limits of their patients, the others limits, test their patience.

The fence is required to contain as much land as possible for the least amount of fence material.

The engineer says "easy, just make a circular fence"

The physicist says, "wait a second! If you build the fence across the equator you'll have an even higher area/fence ratio!"

The ...

The engineer says "easy, just make a circular fence"

The physicist says, "wait a second! If you build the fence across the equator you'll have an even higher area/fence ratio!"

The ...

2.999.... 1.999... to argue about if 0.999... and 1 are the same, and 0.999... to actually screw it in and install it.

Because he kept trying to half the distance

This joke *may* contain profanity. 🤔

Let me test math awareness of this sub. This was told by a professor in a class.

Answer: because it left residue at every pole!

Answer: because it left residue at every pole!

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