... and they were all traveling to the same conference. At the train station, the mathematicians each bought a train ticket, and the engineers only bought one to share between the three of them.

"What a bunch of idiots," the mathematicians said. "When the ticket master comes through, they'll ...

"What a bunch of idiots," the mathematicians said. "When the ticket master comes through, they'll ...

This joke *may* contain profanity. 🤔

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous."

"Oh c'mon" says mathematician #...

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous."

"Oh c'mon" says mathematician #...

The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. As the fourth one is about to order the bartender stops them, pours two beers and says “you folks should know your limits.”

He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

and does a fine job making sure the goods are absolute delights and well priced for such. However, one day his customers walk in to see that the price of pies has doubled from the day prior, Furious, they ask why, and the owner says, “Well, I realized that I was charging for one pie but selling two!...

... are sleeping when a fire breaks out.

The engineer wakes up, notices the fire, grabs the next fire extinguisher and starts spraying.... After what seems hours of heroic fighting the fire is gone and he goes to sleep again.

But the fire breaks out again. The physicist wakes up, notic...

The engineer wakes up, notices the fire, grabs the next fire extinguisher and starts spraying.... After what seems hours of heroic fighting the fire is gone and he goes to sleep again.

But the fire breaks out again. The physicist wakes up, notic...

... are told that 2 people walk into an empty house, and that later 3 people walk out.

The engineer says, "It's simple. There must have been an observational error, happens all the time."

The biologist says, "Ah, the two people must have been a couple and had a child."

The mathe...

The engineer says, "It's simple. There must have been an observational error, happens all the time."

The biologist says, "Ah, the two people must have been a couple and had a child."

The mathe...

He worked it out with a pencil!

Mathematicians have problems. Chemists have solutions.

a secant.

They decided to put their expertise to use and conduct some research. The Math man said, "I'll jump into the water and measure the depth of the ocean." The Physicist said, "I will go and examine the density of the water at various depths." The Chemist said, "I will use the data you both collect and ...

all agree that there exists the perfect punchline to this joke.

An engineer, a physicist, and a statistician, they decide to go bow hunting one season. While on the trail, they spot their first buck. The physicist run some calculations, decides that air resistance is negligible, and aims accordingly. His arrow falls short by 20 feet. The engineer runs some more ...

They have sec(x).

She says: " 3.14159 26535 "

The dietitian diagnoses him with anorexia and tells him to try to eat three square meals a day.

Well, now he's dangerously overweight.

Well, now he's dangerously overweight.

Those who can count, and those who can't.

Turns out most of them aren't very good at 100m sprints.

To work on his tan.

The engineer chose fire, which gave humanity power over matter. The physicist chose the wheel, which gave humanity the power over space. The mathematician chose the alphabet, which gave humanity power over symbols. The mystic chose the thermos bottle.

"Why a thermos bottle?" the others asked.

...

"Why a thermos bottle?" the others asked.

...

they can go on about it forever.

The mathematician went first and said 2, the economist was next and he said:” well it depends on your assumptions”. Finally, it was the accountants turn he sat there for a few minutes, he then leaned forward and said: ”what do you want to be!”

Soon after, his friends and family are astounded as he suddenly begins taking up a variety of sports, buying the newest things, and being as active as if he were in his twenties.

Before long, they approach him, asking about this behavior in spite of his age. The man responds "Well of course I'm...

Before long, they approach him, asking about this behavior in spite of his age. The man responds "Well of course I'm...

Thanks for nothing

The price of their drink is determined by the numerical order when entering. The first drink costs 1 dollar, the second costs 2 dollars and so on.

In the end, they decided to pay all together.

The waiter then paid them 8.(3) cents and they all left.

In the end, they decided to pay all together.

The waiter then paid them 8.(3) cents and they all left.

Because the root of their negativity is imaginary.

She yells “Where the hell were you? You said you’d be home by 11:45!”

“Actually,” he says, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”

“Actually,” he says, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”

They both think about problems that will never happen in real life.

He works it out with a pencil

Actually, he uses a log. A squared one.

Actually, he uses a log. A squared one.

This joke *may* contain profanity. 🤔

St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Heaven is now overcrowded. St Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven.

If anyone of you can ask me a question which I cannot answer or don't know, then you're worthy enough to go to He...

"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Heaven is now overcrowded. St Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven.

If anyone of you can ask me a question which I cannot answer or don't know, then you're worthy enough to go to He...

4^2

How mathematicians escape from the prison:

Mathematicians: let's say there is a door...

Mathematicians: let's say there is a door...

... are trying to measure a building.

The mathematician tries to calculate the height of the building by using angle of elevation.

The physicist throws an egg off the top of the building and tries using the time it takes to fall.

The engineer walks up to the owner of...

The mathematician tries to calculate the height of the building by using angle of elevation.

The physicist throws an egg off the top of the building and tries using the time it takes to fall.

The engineer walks up to the owner of...

.999999999...

He got back home and found a note that read,” hi honey, I’ve left and decided to run off with the 18 year old pool boy. We are both 54 years old, and I think you’ll figure out as a mathematician that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18.”

One day his wife suggests he pursue his hobby for electronics repair and open a shop. On the first day of business, he places a sign out front that reads “Electronics repair — No Apple products!” His wife inquires: “Why shut out some of your best business? iPhones, iPads, iPods, and iMacs, and some ...

Knot Theory, because it's Knot... Theory.

This joke *may* contain profanity. 🤔

"Unfortunately, since heaven is quite full at the moment, I am only going to allow one of you in," the Devil says. "Whoever can ask me a question that I cannot answer correctly will be admitted into heaven. The rest will go to hell."

So the scientist steps up and asks him, "What is the most c...

So the scientist steps up and asks him, "What is the most c...

They all watch three people walk into a house across the road. After 20 minutes, only two people leave the same house.

The scientists are very confused about what has happened.

'The measurements varied, and therefore the measuring equipment was likely inaccurate,' declares the chemist,...

The scientists are very confused about what has happened.

'The measurements varied, and therefore the measuring equipment was likely inaccurate,' declares the chemist,...

They know how to use a protractor

This joke *may* contain profanity. 🤔

Quantitties

Sine language

dy/dx - 3x = 2

What's this?

An ODE (Ordinary Differential Equation)

What's this?

An ODE (Ordinary Differential Equation)

They always find X.

Sine-feld.

This joke *may* contain profanity. 🤔

By removing natural logs.

This joke *may* contain profanity. 🤔

The woman is horny, and says to the two that she will have sex with the first person to reach her. However, she is on a bed 10 feet away from them. Their condition is to start at that 10 foot mark together, and move half the available distance each time the decide to move closer.

The mathemat...

The mathemat...

But after 24 hours he called it a day

Doctor: Don't worry mate, all the things u worry about are just imaginary

Mathematician: That makes it even worse!

Mathematician: That makes it even worse!

The mathematician says, "Excluding 1, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime... proof by induction, all odds are prime"

The physicist says, "Excluding 1, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is experimental error, 11 is prime... all odds are prime"

The engineer says, "1 is is prime, 3 is...

The physicist says, "Excluding 1, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is experimental error, 11 is prime... all odds are prime"

The engineer says, "1 is is prime, 3 is...

“If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times …”

This joke *may* contain profanity. 🤔

On the ride there just before their tickets are checked the mathmaticians go to the loo and hide together in one cubicle. When asked to present their tickets they slide one under the booth door.

The physicists are stumped, but smart as they are they use the same trick on the return journey. W...

The physicists are stumped, but smart as they are they use the same trick on the return journey. W...

First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.

The Physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate.".

The Biologist: "They have reproduced".

The Mathematician: "If now exactly one person enters the house then it will...

The Physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate.".

The Biologist: "They have reproduced".

The Mathematician: "If now exactly one person enters the house then it will...

The professor looks up in shock from his work to see one of his students slamming a high school geometry textbook on his desk.

“What’s wrong?!” exclaims the professor.

“They’ve updates the syllabus,” the mathematician replies.

The professor, still confused, watches the mathemat...

“What’s wrong?!” exclaims the professor.

“They’ve updates the syllabus,” the mathematician replies.

The professor, still confused, watches the mathemat...

A polynomial

A bus stops and 5 people get in.

As the bus comes around the next time, 6 people get out.

The Physicist comments:

"That's a measuring error."

The biologist says:

"They reproduced on the way."

The mathematician says:

"If one more person gets in, the bus will be empty."

As the bus comes around the next time, 6 people get out.

The Physicist comments:

"That's a measuring error."

The biologist says:

"They reproduced on the way."

The mathematician says:

"If one more person gets in, the bus will be empty."

This joke *may* contain profanity. 🤔

**Math debates**

They saw two people go in, and a little while later, three people come out. The engineer said, “Our initial count must’ve been wrong.” The biologist said, “They must’ve reproduced.” The mathematician said, “Now, if one person goes back into the house, it will be completely empty!”

Logrythm

Just in case he needed to count to 11.

A very old joke, but sharing on the chance there's anyone who hasn't heard it before.

A very old joke, but sharing on the chance there's anyone who hasn't heard it before.

"Because without one the other is nought."

f(x)

A fire breaks out in each of their trash cans at the same time during the night.

The engineer wakes up, dumps water onto the fire until its out, then a little more to make sure it stays out, and goes back to bed.

The physicist wakes up, grabs his notepad, calculates the amount of water...

The engineer wakes up, dumps water onto the fire until its out, then a little more to make sure it stays out, and goes back to bed.

The physicist wakes up, grabs his notepad, calculates the amount of water...

At some point, the warden realizes that the three men haven't been fed in a while. He accompanies an officer to check up on them. The warden and officer arrive at the first cell that contained the engineer. To their astonishment, the cell was empty and the wall had a hole in it.

"How is that ...

"How is that ...

An engineer, a mathematician, a cartographer and a philosopher have a contest. Whoever can fence off the largest area of land with only 100 meters of fence will win and prove their profession superior.

The engineer goes first, and using his expertise makes a square 25m by 25m for 625m^(2). Co...

The engineer goes first, and using his expertise makes a square 25m by 25m for 625m^(2). Co...

(p + l)(a + n)=pa+pn+la+ln

... arguing about the average mathematical knowledge of the American public. One mathematician

claimed that this average was woefully inadequate, the other maintained that

it was surprisingly high.

"I'll tell you what," said the cynic, "ask that waitress a simple math que...

claimed that this average was woefully inadequate, the other maintained that

it was surprisingly high.

"I'll tell you what," said the cynic, "ask that waitress a simple math que...

The engineer walks into his room. He sees the fire, then sees the bucket. He immediately grabs the bucket and dumps the whole thing on the fire to put it out.

The physicist walks into his room and sees the fire and bucket. He takes out a sheet of paper and calculates exactly how much water he...

The physicist walks into his room and sees the fire and bucket. He takes out a sheet of paper and calculates exactly how much water he...

They already celebrated 1/5

Hey baby, what’s your sine?

log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(log(...

This joke *may* contain profanity. 🤔

So a philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at starbucks.

The mathematician turns to the physicist sitting next to him and says "You know, physics is just applied mathematics!"

They all have a good laugh, at which point the philosopher interjects from across the table. "And...

The mathematician turns to the physicist sitting next to him and says "You know, physics is just applied mathematics!"

They all have a good laugh, at which point the philosopher interjects from across the table. "And...

An engineer wakes up and realizes his bed is on fire. He spots a sink and a bucket, so he goes to the sink, fills the bucket, and douses the fire before going back to sleep.

A mathematician wakes up to find his bed is on fire. He spots the sink and the bucket and then goes to sleep satisfied ...

A mathematician wakes up to find his bed is on fire. He spots the sink and the bucket and then goes to sleep satisfied ...

Multi-ply

...They drink and derive.

*Baddum tss*

Thank you, thank you! I'll see myself out.

*Baddum tss*

Thank you, thank you! I'll see myself out.

The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little about basic mathematics. The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math.

The first mathematician wanders off to the bathroom, so the second guy calls over their waitress...

The first mathematician wanders off to the bathroom, so the second guy calls over their waitress...

This joke *may* contain profanity. 🤔

One day, the engineer's house catches fire. He uses the fire extinguisher and puts it out.

A few days later, the physicist's house also catches fire. He uses a fire extinguisher as well, but calculates the hottest point of the fire and puts it out effectively.

A month goes by, and the ...

A few days later, the physicist's house also catches fire. He uses a fire extinguisher as well, but calculates the hottest point of the fire and puts it out effectively.

A month goes by, and the ...

After nearly starving to death, he won a Nobel prize by generalizing it to ribs.

Because they're a rhythmic tic.

And I was looking at the file and it looks kinda sketchy, it doesn’t add up. There’s definitely something fishy going on.

“The probability of having two bombs on the same plane is virtually zero!”

Because he kept obsessing over his x.

The mathematician says "Those cows are brown on this side."

The scientist says "Those are brown cows."

The economist wrinkles his brow, nods, and says "All cows are brown."

The scientist says "Those are brown cows."

The economist wrinkles his brow, nods, and says "All cows are brown."

An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, a biologist, and a chemist are each asked to compute the volume of a little red rubber ball.

The mathematician finds the equation of the surface, performs a triple integral, and computes the volume

The physicist dunks the ball in a pool of wat...

The mathematician finds the equation of the surface, performs a triple integral, and computes the volume

The physicist dunks the ball in a pool of wat...

They call it asymptote.

You FOIL his plans

Mathematician: *π* is the most beautiful number

Physicist: I like *e* most

Engineer: What a coincidence! 3 is my favorite number, too!

Physicist: I like *e* most

Engineer: What a coincidence! 3 is my favorite number, too!

They were both placed in a room and at the other end was a beautiful naked woman on a bed. The experimenter said every 30 seconds they would be allowed to travel half the distance between themselves and the woman. The mathematician said "this is pointless" and stormed off". The engineer agreed to go...

The rest of the joke is trivial and is left to the student as an exercise.

He says "Wanna work on your tan? Cos all you have to do is sin!"

They find a deer and take aim.

The mathematician shoots and misses 5 meters to the left.

The physicist shoots and misses 5 meters to the right.

The statistician jumps up and down and shouts, "We got it! We got it!"

The mathematician shoots and misses 5 meters to the left.

The physicist shoots and misses 5 meters to the right.

The statistician jumps up and down and shouts, "We got it! We got it!"

An infinite number of Mathematicians walked into a bar. The first one asked for 1 beer, the second asked for half a beer. The third asked for 1 quater of a beer and so on. After some thought. The bar tender poured to beers into a jug for them to share. A bystander said. Wow that was a really weird s...

This joke *may* contain profanity. 🤔

They told the world they had discovered the perfect ratio of plutonium to uranium in order to create fuel capable of space travel. They said it was simple, two parts plutonium, one part uranium. However, the rest of Europe didn't believe them because they were a bunch of fibbinazis.

They have too many problems.

Because OCT(31) = DEC(25)

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.