I have a Russian friend who's a sound technician ...

I have a Czech one, too.

An IVF technician goes to brunch. The waiter asks "how would you like your eggs?" She replies

"ovaries-y"

What do you call an old sound technician with one arm?

Mono.

What happened to the single IT technician when he tried to flirt with a barista at a cafe?

He was unable to make a connection to the server

What do you call a computer technician who is a creep?

A PDF file

What did one nail technician say to the other after a customer walked out over a $1 price increase?

Man, he petty

IT technician comes home.

His wife is all tired and sad:

-Honey, just hug me and tell me that everything will be ok.

-First tell me what's the problem and what did you do before it occurred.

What does an IT Technician call their bathroom?

An I-Pee address.

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A woman asks her husband to fix the router

He replies "im no technician"

The next day, the tv broke, and again he tells her "im no electrician"

The third day, the power went out, so her husband tells her to call an electrician. When the husband returns home, the lights are all on, the tv works, the wifi is faster than before....

The first 5G cell phone mast in town is put up

Suddenly, all sorts of people develop medical conditions. A citizens' initiative against the mast is formed. A public hearing is organized with the mayor and representatives of the telecom company. The people bring forward all the ailments they suffer from since the mast was erected.

The tele...

I was walking down the street when I passed a Comcast technician near his van and he asked me what time it was

I said “it’s between 8am and 1pm”

Why did the computer technician get kicked out of the army?

He had troubleshooting.

I asked my computer technician friend, “How do you make a motherboard?”

He said, “Just tell her about my job.”

Don’t argue with the logic of a sonogram technician

It’s ultrasound

An audio technician becomes a comedian

An audio technician is on stage at an open mic night in a comedy club.

He seems to be absolutely crushing the audience with witty and outrageous jokes.

At the end of his time he gets to do a mic drop.

That was the last night he ever did comedy.

The feedback ruined it.

Bad part about being a bomb disposal technician.....

It takes me 6 hours to open my Christmas presents.

Leader and Technicians.

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost.


He reduced the height and saw a woman down on earth.


He went further down and shouted at the woman: "Sorry, can you help me? I had an appointment with a friend an hour ago, but I do not know where I am!"

The woman repl...

I have a couple of friends from Czech Republic who are sound technicians

Czech one. Czech two

My X-ray technician told me she usually doesn't go on dates with her patients...

...but she saw something in me.

Why did the rookie technician allow a German zeppelin to fly over Allied airspace?

It was just a blimp on the radar.

If lawyers are disbarred and priests are defrocked, then...

Electricians are delighted

Corpses are decrypted

Cowboys are deranged

Models are deposed

Underwear models are debriefed

Dry cleaners are depressed, decreased and depleted

Jilted women are debrided

HVAC technicians are deducted

Tennis linemen ar...

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call him maestro... or else

many years ago there was an orchestra in omaha whose conductor was notoriously ill tempered. he would fly off the handle at the smallest mistake, yet he would never offer any constructive criticism. he thought he was the greatest, and demanded to be called maestro. but sometimes, he'd give the wrong...

Why do cats make better medical technicians than dogs?

Because dogs can't operate MRI machines, but catscan.

I once had a girlfriend who was an X-Ray technician.

I could never lie to her, because she always saw right through me.

Did you hear about the sound technician that got fired recently?

Apparently he couldn't handle feedback.

What was the internet technicians dying words?

Tell my WiFi love her

Did you hear about the HVAC technicians who got into an argument?

At first it was heated, but they got some fresh air then things cooled off

I'm dating an x-ray technician...

But I don't know what she sees in me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Damn girl, are you an ultrasound technician?

Because I'd like to know what sex we're having.

What's better than a pair of Emerency Medical Technicians?

A paramedic(s)!

Carolyn, a rich blonde, buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport. She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the car just won't move at all...

After trying to drive the car at night for a week (but without any luck), she furiously calls the Jaguar dealers and they send out a technician to her.

The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it.

So he turns to the blonde and asks, "Ma'am, are you sure you are usin...

Where do cyber security technicians go when they die?

Encrypts

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There's plenty of jobs in the porn industry when you have a cock like mine.

Camera man, light and sound technician, make up artist, or even production manager.

LPT: Never tell a sound technician how they are doing.

They hate feedback.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The photo technician got caught masterbating to people's photos

They charged him with "indecent exposure"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

America buys a rocket from the Russians

As they start working on it, it stops working. They call the Russians and they say they will send their best technician.

The tech arrives and gives the rocket a look, presses a button and the rocket hums to life, ready for work. He gives the Americans the bill

"10k?!?! For a single but...

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A woman in a hot...

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am". The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hove...

In 1952 the New York Philharmonic was on a national tour...

...and on their way home from the west coast when their flight was grounded in Kansas due to bad weather.

It had been a long tour and tensions had been running high. A first violin player was a wreck from excessive alcohol consumption, the trumpet section engaged in much infighting due to com...

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Computer idiots (Warning: Old)

Any time you feel dumb, don't worry. Check out the following excerpts from a "Wall Street Journal" article by Jim Carlton. Lots of people are dumber than you.

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the many calls asking where the "Any" k...

So, have you guys heard of a chicken cannon?

Used by US Federal Aviation Administration, it's a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane’s windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies.



The theory is that if the windshield doesn’t crac...

Mujibar was trying to get a job.

The HR Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests except one. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job."


Mujibar: "I am ready."

Manager: "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Manager...

Two Infantry Officers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up....

A technician walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole', said one officer, 'But we don't have a ladder."
The technician said, 'Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox.'
He loosened a few bolts, then laid the pole down.
He then took measuri...

I couldn't live with my mistakes anymore...

So I became a bomb disposal technician

Went to pick up my car after a service

I was told the keys had been locked in it.

I went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

"Hey," I announced to t...

(Stolen but golden) Stevie Wonder is in the recording studio at the end of a long hard day.

He's chewing the fat with a few of the technicians.

One of them asks:

“It must be hard being blind Stevie.”

To which Stevie replies:

“Yep, it's hard but at least I'm not black.”

A prison decides to renovate its showers

An ageing prison facility is constantly beset by long queues for the shower area, which the managers decide to do something about because having all the prisoners together in one area outside of their cells might get nasty. So they look into the problem, and realise that, although the showers themse...

A blonde gets her car damaged in a hail storm

It's a mess. looks basically like a golf ball--dents everywhere. So she takes it to a body shop, and the technician sees she's blonde and decides to have some fun. He tells her that the fix is simple, that as soon as the tailpipe is cool, to blow into it and all the dents will just pop right out.<...

A penguin pulls up to a dealership

He barely made it there before his car gave out. The technician tells him that it's going to be a few hours before the repairs are finished.
The penguin sees an icecream shop across the street and goes inside. He asks the manager if it would be okay to hang out in the freezer because it's just t...

Back in 1950's Egypt...

Nasser wanted to know the age of a ancient statue that had been recently excavated. He went up to his KGB advisers and asked if their technicians could help. Just a few hours later, one of the KGB men told Nasser "The statue is just about 5,000 years old." Nasser was very impressed and asked "How di...

The Time Travelling Soldier

When a soldier came to the clinic where I work for an MRI, he was put into the machine by an attractive, young technician. Sometime later, when the examination was over, he was helped out of the machine by a far older woman. The soldier remarked, “How long was I in there for?”

Craft Beer

About six months ago, I joined the craft beer craze by setting up a back porch brewery, mixing my own corn mash and hops and water. It took me a few batches, by trial and error, but I finally got a good balance of bitterness, color, carbonation and “buzz.”

The stuff tasted pretty good, so I s...

A cheerful young noble knocks on a witch's door

A cheerful young noble knocks on a witch's door and tells her that he's always wanted to become a bear, and that he will reward her handsomely if she transforms him. She accepts, and starts gathering components for her spell. The man follows her around the whole time, explaining how he had read abou...

Just found this joke in my Chem eng textbook

The little-known rare earth element nauseum (atomic weight 172) has the interesting property
of being completely insoluble in everything but 12-year-old bourbon. This curious fact was discovered in the laboratory of Professor Ludwig von Schlimazel, the eminent German chemist whose invention of t...

Blonde

A new blonde employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there's something wrong with her password."The problem is that whenever I type password,it just shows stars,"she says."Those asterisks are to protect you."the Help Desk technician explains,"so if someone were standing behind you,they wouldn'...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man awakens to find a gorilla in his tree...

So he looks in the phone book and finds the Gorilla Removal Service.

After waiting some time, a van pulls up. The removal technician climbs out carrying a stick, a shotgun and a Chihuahua.

He tells his client, "Okay how this works is I climb into the tree with the gorilla, poke him w...

And actor, a director and a writer walk into a bar.

A director, an actor and a writer walk into a bar.

A sign hanging over the bar proclaims an amateur bull-fighting tournament; where a winner can walk away with a load of gold.

The director races to the bullring, confident in winning the bullion. He sets up lights all over the ring and ...

(NSFW) Computer tech humor

A computer technician was boasting about the size of his hard drive and how much RAM he had. A female colleague said that she had three user friendly ports and some of best port knockers around.

The female technician suggested that perhaps they should combine their equipment and connect his h...

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