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Technical Jokes

I love "technically true" jokes, like:

If everybody in the world held hands around the equator, most of them would drown.

Or

Did you know that after all these years, the swimming pool on Titanic is still filled with water?

Or

There are more airplanes in the ocean than submarines in the sky.

What else ...

I have a fondness for "technically true" jokes, like these:

Did you know that the average person has an above-average number of legs? After all, most people have two legs, while a few have none.


Did you know that if you shuffle a deck of cards, the resulting order has likely never existed before in the history of the universe?



Eve...

They say Prince Andrew can get off on a legal technicality

Is there anything this guy doesn't find arousing?

Iron Man is technically a FEmale.

I will downvote myself on the way out....

I need some technical advice.

Does anyone know how to deactivate the "Sock hiding" program in the washing machine?

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I used to be a boob doctor (yes that is the technical term)…

There were a lot of good times and a lot of bad times


A lot of ups and downs



But over all, I’m thankful for all the mammaries

If the tomato is technically a fruit

Does that mean ketchup is a smoothie?

Technically it was Moses.....

that had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.

A man calls technical support.

“Word Perfect Technical support; may I help you?”
“Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”

“What sort of trouble?”

“Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”

“Went away?”

“They disappeared.”

“Hmm. So what does your screen ...

A blonde's office computer had technical issues

IT support came over to the desk and said he needed password to access her account.

"It's 'MickeyMinnieBatmanSupergirlWonderwomanLondon'" she replied.

"A bit unusual for a password, how did you come up with it?" the support dude asked.

She went "Because computer said the passwor...

My son has recently been teaching me various technical things about IT

I guess you really do learn from your mistakes

Technically speaking

We have all kicked a pregnant woman.

Technically, national anthems

are just country music

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Technically it's not boob sweat,

it's humidititties

Did you know that a group of crows is called a murder?

Well, technically it's only a murder if there's probable caws.

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Technically we're all Jokers

Cause we're all getting fucked over by a bat man.

Technically, killing furries isn't manslaughter

It's poaching.

A Gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and paperwork and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist ...

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If you visit a nude beach for seniors, you're technically not supposed to stare.

But it's a gray area.

Ironman is technically a woman

Because he’s Fe-male

How do you get a hardcore crypto technical analyst off your front porch?

Pay him for the pizza

I was thinking...

If a parent is trying to put his child to sleep and the child is refusing, wouldn’t it be illegal because technically the child is resisting a rest?

But then I realized it’s a lose-lose situation and it’s illegal either way because if the child willingly goes to sleep it makes it a kid nappi...

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Wife and technical support

Dear technical support.

Last year I upgraded my Boyfriend 5.0 program in to the version Husband 1.0 and I noticed that the new program has unexpected changes in its processing modules. The program limited the access to Flowers and Jewelry applications which worked perfectly under the version...

Last week I submitted a ten page in depth technical description of my groundbreaking invention to a prestigious journal... but it didn't get published.

They said I should just call a spade a spade.

Technically Trump was right about when Covid-19 would go away.

Odds are we'll be opening back up by Easter.

She's technically not wrong...

This actually happened last night with my girlfriend...
Me: So did you read 1984?
She: Yeah, I did...utopian society right?
Me:No it is the total opposite...do you know the opposite of utopian?
She: yeah..Ethiopia right?
and yes she was being totally serious.

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A British spy goes undercover in America and tries to infiltrate the political ranks.

To get into politics, he has to pass an oral exam.


Examiner: When did the USA gain independence?
Spy: July 4, 1776


\- Good. How many continents are there?
\- Easy peasy, seven.
\- Damn, you're good. Which continent is Turkey in?
\- Technically, Turkey...

My girlfriend was born in a leap year so technically she is 4 lol

And 1 in leap years

Technically, Moses was the first man in history to download data from the cloud to his tablet.

Technically, Moses was the first man in history to download data from the cloud to his tablet. And lucky the data is also in the cloud, cause he got angry and smashed his tablet, so he needed a new one to download everything again.

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What is the technical name for Viagra?

Mycoxafloppin

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A Welsh Airways plane experiences technical trouble...

Welsh Airways pilots Dai and Rhodri are struggling to control their stricken aircraft as it plummets towards the ground. The aircraft is loaded with high value cargo, including a flock of award winning sheep.

Rhodri: "We're going to have to crash land somewhere!"

Dai: "But what about ...

This Unicode technical specification is extremely dull reading

But it does have many interesting characters.

Why did the restaurant staff deem the waiters absence due to depression to be a technical issue?

Because their servers were down.

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If it's true that God made Eve from Adam's rib...

Then technically speaking, Eve was Adam's side bitch....

Engineer vs Manager

A man is flying in a hot-air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man below. He lowers the balloon farther and shouts, "Excuse me! Can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot-air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must...

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?

I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.
You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"...

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An Army officer was arrested completely nude, chasing a woman through a hotel lobby.

His lawyer was shrewd and got him freed on a technicality. Army regulations specifically state an officer need not be in uniform, provided he is properly attired for the activity in which he is engaged.

A train conductor kills 2 people and is sentenced to the electric chair...

A train conductor ends up killing two people while on the job. He is found guilty and sentenced to the electric chair. When the day comes, he is asked what he would want for his last meal, and he requests a banana. After finishing his meal, he is strapped to the chair and electrocuted. However, by s...

TIL that regardless of the technical definition...

your girlfriend will not appreciate being called a tramp.

When she found out he worked in technical support, it really turned her on.

Then it turned her off.
Then it turned her on again.

When you think about it, technically all Australian submarines are down under.

.............I'll let that sink in.

What does a clown living in a sewer and a person working in technical support have in common?

They both are from IT

Flavored lube is technically meat seasoning if you think about it

Wouldn’t use it on the grill, though

Mohammad bin Salman is 33 making him, technically, a Millennial...

...so now Baby Boomers can add "Journalists" to their list of "things Millennials are killing".

Only technically savy people like ME know how to text and dri

Draft: Only technically savy people like ME know how to text and dri

Found this on my computer science teacher's webpage

A helicopter with a pilot and a single passenger was flying
around above Seattle when a malfunction disabled all of the
aircraft's navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot could not determine the
helicopter's position and course to get back to ...

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Tomorrow I'm having skin grafted from my butt onto my hand and I cope with humor. Make me laugh.

I'm going to have to ask my girlfriend if she wants to try butt stuff just so we can hold hands.

The surgeon's going to hand my ass to me.

If I high five someone did they technically smack my ass?

..so in a technical sense, they're only relatively bad.

My jokes are so bad, they sometimes appear to violate causality..

Uzbekistan is double-landlocked, being surrounded by Kazickstan, Afganistan, Turkmenistan, Kygenistan, and Tajikistan, all landlocked! So technically, Uzbeckistan is...

STANlocked.

I was in my room and saw a group of 10 ants running around frantically. I felt bad and made a small house for them out of cardboard. This technically makes me their landlord and they are my ..

Tenants

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A man goes to an animal market

He goes up to a rooster seller and buys a rooster.

The seller hands it to him and says, "Oh, in this business, we call it a cock".

The man takes note and goes to buy a hen from a seller.

The seller hands it to him after paying and tells him "By the way, in this business, we call...

An Engineer was asked: "What is the Technical Difference between Welding and Wedding"

He replied: "Not much; both are joints, in a way.
In Welding there are sparks first and bonding forever, whereas in Wedding there is bonding first and sparks forever "

How many engineers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, that’s a technical problem.

It was to be the biggest scientific press conference of the decade.

Geneticist Rick Hallorann spoke to the crowds of reporters, camera flashes illuminating his face.

"The time has finally come for the first human cloning experiment to be performed," he began. "The technology for us to clone humans has been around since the eighties - but only now, after plent...

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I'm technically 5'11" but whenever people ask I just say I'm 6'0".

I do it for the same reason I tell people I have a four inch penis - what's an extra inch, anyway?

My wife is the least technical person in the world, so when she told me she had finished installing Java, I was astounded.

Until she held up her empty coffee cup.

Balloonist and Hiker

An older colleague of mine told me this. It may be older than him.

A hot air balloonist got blown way off course. Realizing how lost he was he decided to lower altitude to see if he could get some help from someone on the ground. He saw a large wilderness expance but luckily he noticed a hike...

A husband and wife are in the doctor's office

The wife says "doctor, my husband suffers from erectile dysfunction". The husband interjects "well, technically it's her who suffers from it".

You know what they say about family - blood is thicker than water.

But maple syrup is thicker than blood, so technically pancakes are more important than family.

Went to a game with my dad today and as we were standing up to sing, the veteran in him kicked in and he began tearing up. I said to him, "You know, technically, national anthems are just…"

"…country music."

Joseph decides it's time to tell Jesus the truth....

Since Jesus is a teenager, Joseph thinks he can handle it. He tells Jesus that he's not really his father, in a technical sense.

Jesus is incredulous. He can't believe it. He asks who his father really is.

Joseph explains to Jesus that he's the son of god. Jesus can't even comprehend...

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