A lot of people are talking about how unhealthy bagels are for you, and how there are so many better breakfast options.

It’s a real schmear campaign.

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A woman decides to pick up a dozen bagels for her co-workers...

...so she stops by a local bakery on the way to work and there is a huge line. She waits a while, gets up to the front, and tells the man behind the counter "I'd like a dozen bagels please".

"I'm sorry, but we're out of bagels."

The woman says never mind then and proceeds to leave the...

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over bay, they would be bagels!

Bagel Magic Trick

THIS IS REAL MAGIC...An elderly fellow and his neighbor walk into a bakery.

The neighbor steals 3 bagels and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the elderly fellow, "That took great skill and guile to steal those bagels. The owner didn't even see me."

The elderly fellow...

Did you hear about the baker who was accused of stealing bagels?

He told them they needed proof

Analogies Are like bagels on a trampoline:

They don't always work.

Why did the Croissants take the Donuts and Bagels to Disneyland?

They thought it would be fun for the hole family.

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Bialy and Bagel Factory

The health inspector goes to make his surprise visit to a bialy and bagel factory for it's annual inspection. There, he see a large, hairy shirtless man picking up bialy dough from a conveyor belt and pressing it into his man boob, living the bialy indentation and putting it back on the conveyor be...

Do you prefer your bagels toasted?

(Raises drink)........TO BAGELS!!!!!!

What do you call a bakery that only sells bagels and donuts?

Hole foods

Which martial art is used to make bagels?

Judo

Why do Seagulls hang out by the ocean?

Because if they hung out by the bay, they'd be bagels.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What kind of bagel can fly?

None of them. They're bagels, not birds. Ya fuckin donut.

What is the most common food eaten in an airport?

Plane Bagels

What do bagels and holiday parties have in common?

They're both better toasted

Two bagels are out flying.

All of the sudden one of them plummets to the ground. Why?



Because bagels can't fly!

The same day two cows are also out flying and chatting and out of nowhere one of them also plunge down towards the ground. Why?


A bagel hit him in the eye!

As a Jew, I love bagels...

They're one of the holeyest foods.

Why do seagulls live by the sea?

Because if the lived by the bay, they would be bagels.



My very quiet intern brought this in when I asked her to find a joke a day to share. She couldn't finish telling it without cracking up.

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I don't think this one has been posted here

Was told this one by my dad and it's one of the only good jokes he's ever said so I had to share it
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A man is the head of a popular bakery in New York. The most popular thing they sell is their bagels, but the main bagel chef is out ...

"Dad, how did you come up with my brother's name, 'Legab'?"

"Is it a variation of 'Gabriel' or something?"

"Ah... no sweetie. As you know, your Mom loves bagels so we decided to play with that word".

"Oh... ok. Thanks, Dad!"

"You're welcome, Lana".

Why do sea gulls live by the sea?

Because if they lived by the bay, they’d be called bagels (bay-gulls)

Courtesy of my seven year old niece

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My uncle converted to Christianity

My uncles and I were out one day getting our bagels and gefilte fish and we noticed the placard. “$1,000 to convert!”

Well, being the shrewd mensches we are we decide one of us should go ahead and check. Uncle Hersch draws the short straw so he goes in.

We wait.

And wait.
...

Yo mamma so dumb

She thinks judo is what you make bagels with

The German consulate is in NYC for a big UN meeting...

The clock hits 12:30 and the meeting breaks for lunch. Being that he's in New York, the consulate requests to go out to lunch at a local Deli. An intern is charge with taking him out. As they are sitting and eating the consulate turns to the intern and exclaims,

"I have to admit, these bagel...

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