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Bagels Jokes

How do flight attendants prefer their bagels?

Plane

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A woman decides to pick up a dozen bagels for her co-workers...

...so she stops by a local bakery on the way to work and there is a huge line. She waits a while, gets up to the front, and tells the man behind the counter "I'd like a dozen bagels please".

"I'm sorry, but we're out of bagels."

The woman says never mind then and proceeds to leave the...

I found a store that only sells bagels and donuts

It's called 'Hole Foods'

Bagel Magic Trick

THIS IS REAL MAGIC...An elderly fellow and his neighbor walk into a bakery.

The neighbor steals 3 bagels and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the elderly fellow, "That took great skill and guile to steal those bagels. The owner didn't even see me."

The elderly fellow...

Analogies Are like bagels on a trampoline:

They don't always work.

I was thinking about starting my own bakery...

...making bundt cakes, crullers, donuts, and bagels.

I'm going to call it Hole Foods.

Do you prefer your bagels toasted?

(Raises drink)........TO BAGELS!!!!!!

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Bialy and Bagel Factory

The health inspector goes to make his surprise visit to a bialy and bagel factory for it's annual inspection. There, he see a large, hairy shirtless man picking up bialy dough from a conveyor belt and pressing it into his man boob, living the bialy indentation and putting it back on the conveyor be...

Which martial art is used to make bagels?

Judo

Why did the Croissants take the Donuts and Bagels to Disneyland?

They thought it would be fun for the hole family.

Why do we call birds flying over the sea seagulls?

Because if they flew over the bay they would be called bagels !!

Did you hear about the baker who was accused of stealing bagels?

He told them they needed proof

A lot of people are talking about how unhealthy bagels are for you, and how there are so many better breakfast options.

It’s a real schmear campaign.

Two bagels are out flying.

All of the sudden one of them plummets to the ground. Why?



Because bagels can't fly!

The same day two cows are also out flying and chatting and out of nowhere one of them also plunge down towards the ground. Why?


A bagel hit him in the eye!

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What kind of bagel can fly?

None of them. They're bagels, not birds. Ya fuckin donut.

As a Jew, I love bagels...

They're one of the holeyest foods.

What do bagels and holiday parties have in common?

They're both better toasted

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels

[my little girl’s favourite-ever joke]

My 3yo: lets go to the beach and eat seagulls

Me: What?!?
Son: lets eat bagels by the sea

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I don't think this one has been posted here

Was told this one by my dad and it's one of the only good jokes he's ever said so I had to share it
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A man is the head of a popular bakery in New York. The most popular thing they sell is their bagels, but the main bagel chef is out ...

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Not getting enough carbs for normal brain function?

A woman walks into a bakery on Monday, and asks the baker for some bagels. The baker says, “I don’t have any bagels, I will have more on Thursday.” The woman says okay and leaves.

On Tuesday the woman goes back to the bakery and asks for some bagels. The baker says, “I told you, I don’t have ...

"Dad, how did you come up with my brother's name, 'Legab'?"

"Is it a variation of 'Gabriel' or something?"

"Ah... no sweetie. As you know, your Mom loves bagels so we decided to play with that word".

"Oh... ok. Thanks, Dad!"

"You're welcome, Lana".

Why do seagulls live by the sea?

Because if the lived by the bay, they would be bagels.



My very quiet intern brought this in when I asked her to find a joke a day to share. She couldn't finish telling it without cracking up.

The German consulate is in NYC for a big UN meeting...

The clock hits 12:30 and the meeting breaks for lunch. Being that he's in New York, the consulate requests to go out to lunch at a local Deli. An intern is charge with taking him out. As they are sitting and eating the consulate turns to the intern and exclaims,

"I have to admit, these bagel...

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