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Bagels Jokes

I found a store that only sells bagels and donuts

It's called 'Hole Foods'

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A woman decides to pick up a dozen bagels for her co-workers...

...so she stops by a local bakery on the way to work and there is a huge line. She waits a while, gets up to the front, and tells the man behind the counter "I'd like a dozen bagels please".

"I'm sorry, but we're out of bagels."

The woman says never mind then and proceeds to leave the...

A lot of people are talking about how unhealthy bagels are for you, and how there are so many better breakfast options.

It’s a real schmear campaign.

What type of bagels can fly?

Plane bagels

Bagel Magic Trick

THIS IS REAL MAGIC...An elderly fellow and his neighbor walk into a bakery.

The neighbor steals 3 bagels and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the elderly fellow, "That took great skill and guile to steal those bagels. The owner didn't even see me."

The elderly fellow...

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels

[my little girl’s favourite-ever joke]

Why did the Croissants take the Donuts and Bagels to Disneyland?

They thought it would be fun for the hole family.

My 3yo: lets go to the beach and eat seagulls

Me: What?!?
Son: lets eat bagels by the sea

Analogies Are like bagels on a trampoline:

They don't always work.

What do you call a bakery that only sells bagels and donuts?

Hole foods

Did you hear about the baker who was accused of stealing bagels?

He told them they needed proof

Do you prefer your bagels toasted?

(Raises drink)........TO BAGELS!!!!!!

Which martial art is used to make bagels?

Judo

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Bialy and Bagel Factory

The health inspector goes to make his surprise visit to a bialy and bagel factory for it's annual inspection. There, he see a large, hairy shirtless man picking up bialy dough from a conveyor belt and pressing it into his man boob, living the bialy indentation and putting it back on the conveyor be...

What do bagels and holiday parties have in common?

They're both better toasted

As a Jew, I love bagels...

They're one of the holeyest foods.

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What kind of bagel can fly?

None of them. They're bagels, not birds. Ya fuckin donut.

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Why do Jews like bagels so much?

They finally get to toast something of their own.

Why do seagulls live by the sea?

Because if the lived by the bay, they would be bagels.



My very quiet intern brought this in when I asked her to find a joke a day to share. She couldn't finish telling it without cracking up.

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I don't think this one has been posted here

Was told this one by my dad and it's one of the only good jokes he's ever said so I had to share it
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A man is the head of a popular bakery in New York. The most popular thing they sell is their bagels, but the main bagel chef is out ...

"Dad, how did you come up with my brother's name, 'Legab'?"

"Is it a variation of 'Gabriel' or something?"

"Ah... no sweetie. As you know, your Mom loves bagels so we decided to play with that word".

"Oh... ok. Thanks, Dad!"

"You're welcome, Lana".

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My uncle converted to Christianity

My uncles and I were out one day getting our bagels and gefilte fish and we noticed the placard. “$1,000 to convert!”

Well, being the shrewd mensches we are we decide one of us should go ahead and check. Uncle Hersch draws the short straw so he goes in.

We wait.

And wait.
...

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