In a supermarket lvan lost sight of his wife.

In a supermarket Ivan lost sight of his wife. He comes up to a nice young lady and asks, "Will you talk with me for a couple of minutes, please?"
"Why should I?"
"It's always the same -- as soon as I get into talking with a pretty woman my wife abruptly pops up from out of nowhere.

Little Karl was with his grandma in a supermarket

Little Karl yelled to his grandma: Granny, I need to pee!

Grandma replied: We are in a public place, don't say you need to pee, say something nice, say you need to sing.

Later, when grandma was sleeping, Little Karl went to grandmas room and woke her: Granny, I need to sing!

Gr...

I really want to buy one of those supermarket checkout dividers.

But the lady behind the till keeps putting it back

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the...

When people are working at supermarket checkout counters putting the groceries into sacks, why don't they eat any food?

Because baggers can't be chewers.

Lost my job at the supermarket so trying my luck as a musician

I don’t know much but I know how to tuna can

*(Courtesy of my extremely tired brain whilst unpacking groceries)*

The supermarket cashier asked if I wanted to donate food to Africa to help solve world hunger.

I said, "no thanks. World hunger will be solved a lot faster if we stop feeding them."

They said gloves and a mask would be enough to go to the supermarket..

They lied, everyone else had their clothes on.

New Supermarket

A new supermarket opened in Phoenix. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.


When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay. <...

A guy walks in a supermarket to buy tomatoes

Once he reaches to the tomato stand he asks:

Guy: Are this tomatoes genetically modified?

Tomato: No.

I was just in my local supermarket...

Saw a fellow whose trolley was full to the brim with hand sanitiser, baby wipes, soaps, toilet paper; everything that people are in need of.

I called him a selfish b\*stard and gave him a lecture about the elderly and infirm etc. who need these types of things. Told him he should be ashamed o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was shopping at a supermarket in a major city in Michigan one day, and everything in it was marked down at 50% off regular price.

However, they still charged me full price at the checkout counter.

Can't *half* shit in Detroit.

I've religiously disinfected the groceries in my weekly supermarket delivery

Except for the items I take over to my mother-in-law

How do you call the supermarket section for young people?

The juvenile

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call someone who buys all the toilet paper in the supermarket?

A wanker. Why else would they need all of that?

Yesterday I went to the supermarket, had a stuffy nose when an old lady asked me:

“Are you sick?”

“No, it’s just cocaine”

She looked at me and replied:

“Thank god young men”

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work.

The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom, and said "Your first job will be to sweep out the store.”

“But I'm a college graduate!” the young man replied indignantly.

“Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that" said the manager. "Here, give me the broom - I...

I was in the supermarket the other day when this guy threw a block of cheddar at me.

Outraged, I shouted : "Well that's not very mature is it ?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just saw a woman leaving the supermarket with a lot of booze and toilet paper

She's gonna laugh the shit out of her

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend told me there was toilet paper in stock at the supermarket down the street. I was surprised and I asked him, "Are you sure?"

"You bet your ass."

I just watched a guy purchase a piñata, some paella and a sombrero at the supermarket.

I thought to myself... Hispanic buying.

An orange is in a supermarket

The security guard comes over to him and asks “what are you doing?”
The orange replies “nothing, just looking round”

I just got back from the supermarket

I saw a man buying 40 bottles of San Miguel, 13 paella kits and 6 sombreros.

Hispanic buying.

So I was in the supermarket this morning and I had an accident when all the Omega-3 feel on me

I'm ok, the manager assured me my injuries where Super fish oil.

10 years ago I would've brought home eggs, bread, cigarettes and milk from the supermarket with just 5€ in my pocket.

But today they have surveillance cameras everywhere.

A guy in a supermarket goes up to the cashier and places two cans of dog food on the counter

The cashier asks, "Do you have a dog sir?" "Yes, it's at home," replies the man. "To be able to sell you the dog food sir, I must see the dog. That is store policy," says the cashier. Next day the man goes places two cans of cat food on the counter. "Do you own a cat sir?" asks the cashier. "Yes I d...

I went to the supermarket but they were all out of bread.

I guess some people weren't able to buy any toilet paper.

A man was in the supermarket buying snacks for lunchtime when he saw a new babybel cheese with multi-colour wax.

The type of cheese wasn't labelled but he decided to try it anyway and found he really liked it. However, he couldn't decipher what cheese it was so he bought another one the next day.

The next day he yet again enjoyed it but still couldn't figure out what it was. His friend said he liked c...

A supermarket is having a sale

A supermarket is having a sale with everything discounted, so a man went in and bought some dog food. However, upon paying, the cashier insisted that he prove he actually had a dog.

“According to our rule, to buy discounted dog food, you need to prove you’re a dog owner.”
“What kind of rul...

I went to the supermarket to get some beer...

And I came back with a case of Corona

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just saw a guy buying all the crab, lobster, shrimp, and oysters from my local supermarket while others were left without any and I couldn't help but think..

...You shellfish bastard.

Supermarket cashiers must be really traumatized if they land in the ICU

Beep, beep, beep...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson.

He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, all sorts of things. The grandad is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy boy."

Another outburst and she hears the grandad calmly say: "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and ...

Just heard on the news that some supermarkets are severely restricting how many of a particular item you can buy!

Woolworths > 1 - Container of hand sanitiser, 1 - 500g pack of rice, 1 - Ppack of toilet paper;

Coles > 1- pack of toilet paper, 1 - Container of hand sanitiser, 1 - Can of beans;

Aldi > 1 - MIG welder, 1 - Ladies sports bra, 1 - 2m tall garden trellis

With all these people panic buying i decided i would go to the supermarket,

That's when I realized all I can afford to do is panic.

When my wife sends me to the supermarket to get cucumbers

I also buy Vaseline so the cashier doesnt think that im a vegan

I remember 30 years ago with a dollar you went to the supermarket and went out with 2 sandwiches, 1 box of 6 beers and a pack of cigars.

Today, unfortunately, there are cameras everywhere.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a supermarket to buy some dog food.

After he puts the dog food at the cash register the cashier replies: "Sorry, you must prove that you have a dog to purchase that. It's a new rule". Angry, the guy leaves.

The next day he comes to the supermarket to buy cat food. At the cash register, the cashier replies: "You can't buy that ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter...

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "...and this gentleman kindly o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My missus said that my cock reminds her of her favourite supermarket.

I said, "Why, because it's well stocked and capable of supplying you with your every need?"

"No," she replied. "Because it's Lidl.

Corona virus has caused our local supermarket to sell out of pasta

All because of a fusilli people

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said

"I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

The woman looked puzzled. "Why do you want to talk to me?" she asked.

"Because every time I talk to a woman with beautiful tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere"

Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around the supermarket when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy:

"Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

"That's okay," the young guy says. "It's a coincidence really because I'm looking for my wife, too."

"Well, maybe I can help you find her. W...

A man is at the checkout at the supermarket.

A man is at the checkout at the supermarket. He gives the cashier his groceries. 1 chicken breast, 1 potato, 1 carrot, 1 tomato, 1 bread roll, and 1 beer.

The cashier asks "are you single?"

He says "yes, how did you know?"

She replies "you are really ugly!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman wants to increase the size of her breasts.

So she goes to see Dr. Johnson who tells her she must do an exercise rhythmically and on a schedule of 10am and 2pm. He instructs her to bend each elbow one at a time and recite "If I do this as I must, I will increase my bust". She does this religiously twice a day for two weeks and sees some impr...

I saw a woman crying in the supermarket

So I stopped and asked what had happened. Through the sobs, said said that she was due to go on holiday, but all the money she had been saving for months was gone. Feeling sorry for her, I decided to give her £50 to try and help a bit.
It's not something I'd normally do, but I just found £2,000 ...

A man walks into a supermarket and goes to the produce section...

He asks the man working the counter for three pounds of potatoes. The worker says, "Mate, we use kilos nowadays."
The man shrugs and says, "Fine, three pounds of kilos, then."

Why did the skeleton go to the supermarket?

To get SPARE RIBS!

Happy Halloween to all the dad joke lovers out there!

I was at the supermarket, looked three freezers down and saw the most beautiful busty blonde picking out Asian dinners. I took a quick glance at her hand and saw no wedding ring! Well, as you can imagine, I promptly did what any virile, red-blooded man would do with this opportunity...

I got really nervous, said absolutely nothing, and strictly avoided eye-contact at all costs...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Billy spots a pack of condoms

Billy is out shopping with his father at the supermarket when Billy sees a condom stand, each displaying server packages of condoms. He points to a three pack and asks " what is this for?" "That's for when you're in high school" explains his father. "You use one on Friday night and two on Saturday n...

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A man at the zoo is watching the Gorillas

A big silverback is right up to the edge of the cage, and the man goes over to it.

He scratches his head and, to his surprise, the gorilla does the same. The man sees this and then scratches his armpit. Again the gorilla does the same. The man beats his chest, and again, the gorilla does ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was in the supermarket the other day and there was a girl in front of me at the checkout, she had one apple, one pear, one toothbrush, one cup o noodle, and one can of soup.

I leaned over and said, "You're single arent you.."

She says, "Yes, but how did you know?"

I said, "Because you're ugly as fuck!"

Got some Christmas Cards from Supermarket.

Turns out they were from Tenko not Tesco.

Reasons for stealing

Pointing to the captured thief, the owner of the supermarket said to the policeman who came to investigate: "He stole the chocolate on the supermarket shelf and didn't pay the money, so I caught him."



The policeman asked the thief: "Why steal supermarket goods?"



The thi...

Little old Asian lady

A little old Asian lady goes to the supermarket produce department looking for lychee nuts. She can't seem to find them so she asked the worker:

"Excuse me, do you have itchy nuts?"

The worker answered:

"No, but the guy at the fish department, he's got crabs."

A blind man was looking for bananas in a supermarket

...his efforts were fruit aisle (oc)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw a woman in the supermarket, struggling to control her kids.

She looked really stressed. Then she accidentally knocked over and smashed a bottle of milk.

She dropped to her knees and burst into tears, surrounded by spilled milk. It reminded me of something my dad used to say to my mum, so I walked over to her and said;

"Get a fucking grip, you s...

Warning.

Don't let them take your forehead temperature at the supermarket, because it erases your memory. I went for macaroni and cheese.

And came home with two cases of beer.

Do people think you are YOUNG or OLD? The test, fall over in a supermarket…..

If everyone laughs, you are YOUNG.

If people run over to help, you are OLD.

I saw a millennial chick at the supermarket and thought she looked odd.

Then I realised she can't even.

A man told his wife he was going to the supermarket.

Man: I'm going to get get a carton of milk.

Wife: Okay, if you see bananas, get 6.

The man comes home with 6 cartons of milk.

Wife: What the hell!!! Why did you bring 6 cartons of milk!

Man: I saw bananas at the supermarket.

What do hospitals and supermarkets have in common?

They both house great value vegetables.

Thieves stole 30 crates of red bull from our local supermarket

I don’t know how they sleep at night

I went to the Supermarket yesterday to buy 8 Sprite cans

And when I got home, I realised that I only picked 7up.

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in the cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies. "Put them back, we can't afford them", demands the wife. They carry on with their shopping. A few aisles farther on, the w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just met a guy in the supermarket who really reminded me of Elvis.

He walked up to me and said ‘don’t you fucking DARE forget about Elvis’.

So the supermarket was selling this new and improved "Gourmet Water"

And I have to say it was absolutely mouth watering

A man was at a supermarket buying bread.

The cashier asked him if he wanted a bag. He said 'yes please, baguette'.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a woman who owned a parrot

The woman was gonna go to the supermarket so she told her parrot “if someone comes over, tell me who it was”
And so she left

A few minutes later someone was knocking at the door. The parrot asked “who is it?”
The person said “it’s me, the mailman.”

“...”

He knocked again ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This is a Kurdish joke and I hope I can translate it well. So a man is planning to visit Europe for a year...

Before he leaves to the airport he goes to the supermarket to get essentials. As he’s there he sees Kiwis and he absolutely loved them, but unfortunately he can’t buy them now since he’s leaving, but he promises himself when he gets back he’ll buy some from the same guy.

He departs to Europe ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy was getting a lot of abuse from two kids at a supermarket.

So the guy says to the mother are they twins? Mother replies how the fuck can they be twins, one is 9 and the other one is 6 the guy replies, well I didn't think anyone could fuck you twice...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man was standing in line in the supermarket..

... When he notices a hot brunette waving at him and smiling. He was surprised to see such a gorgeous woman notice him and he felt he knew her from somewhere, no idea where, so he asked her:

"Excuse me, do we know each other from somewhere?

She replied:"I may be mistaken, but i think y...

A boy was bagging groceries at the supermarket.

One day the store installed a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice.

Intrigued, the young man asked if he could be allowed to work the machine, but his request was denied.

The store manager said, "Sorry, kid, but baggers can't be juicers."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Chad Kroger walks into a supermarket.

He buys a Powerade.

The cashier says, "that'll be 95 cents."

Chad Kroger gives the cashier a dollar and takes the Powerade without taking his change.

Before Chad leaves the cashier yells, "Wait!"

Chad replies, "What?"

"Your band fucking sucks."

Death in the Supermarket

Constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.


A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious, da...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man joins a soccer team.

His new teammates inform him,

"At your first team dinner as the new guy, you will have to give us a talk about sex.


" The evening arrives and he gives a detailed, humorous account of his sex life.


When he got home, his wife asked how the evening went and not wanting to...

I took my 3 month old into the baby changing room at supermarket today

but there was only a ginger baby there so I kept the one i've got.

A woman was at the supermarket

A woman was at the supermarket with her kid and was about to check out. When she got to the cash register, all she had was a backpack. The clerk asked her why she wanted the backpack since her kid was still very young. She responded, "I'm going to stuff my kid in the backpack and carry him around." ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young woman goes to the supermarket, picks all her groceries, [offensive to some]

goes to the register and gives all her wares to the guy in the counter who scans it all. It’s one bread, one toothbrush, one toothpaste, one pack of salami, one apple, one banana, one bottle of milk and one small cheese. The guy behind the counter goes: «Let me guess: You’re single?» The woman sarca...

Did you hear about the man that bench pressed an entire supermarket?

He got arrested for shoplifting.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A small Muslim boy is lost in the supermarket...

so he runs to an employee and says, "I've lost my mother!"

The employee leans down and asks "What does your mother look like?"

The kid wipes his eyes and looks at the employee. "I have no fucking idea."

Edit: I'm sorry to those that are getting offended/angry/and are calling me ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was in the supermarket today and the cashier asked the foreign couple in front of me if they needed help packing their bags

Fuck me, we only voted out yesterday give them a chance

I bought six wine bottles in the supermarket.

The cashier said, 'Do you want a box?'

I said, 'Alright, buddy, but I'm not much of a fighter.'

I was in the supermarket the other day

My mum sent me in to get the essentials bread, milk etc.

So I got the bread, sugar, fruit and I made my way done to the milk aisle.

But I saw this old man, throwing cheese and milk everywhere.

I thought, how dairy...

Why did I have to pay extra money for a bag of water at the supermarket?

It was an ex-ice tax.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three couples are trying to get married at a church.

There is a young couple, a middle-aged couple, and an elderly couple. The three couples meet with the priest and discuss when they can get married.
 
"If you wish to get married in my church, you must all go one month without having sex," says the priest.
 
One month later the three coup...

So an Iraqi woman and an American woman are in the supermarket...

The Iraqi woman picks up a couple of potatoes and says, "These look just like my husband's balls."

"Really?" says the American woman. "That big?"

"No," says the Iraqi woman. "That dirty."

COVID-19 Pick-Up Lines

If COVID-19 doesn't take you out... Can I?

Is that hand sanitizer in your pocket or are you just happy to be within 6 feet of me?

Since all the public libraries are closed, I'm checking you out instead.

You can't spell virus without U and I.

Baby, do you need toilet pape...

I recently started working for a charity that convinces local supermarkets to give us their expiring baked goods to donate to refugees and the local homeless. We're working in conjunction with local churches to help distribute donations. All of us are there voluntarily, after all..

It's a naan-prophet organization.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bought a can of fly spray from the supermarket today. Sprayed it all over myself.

I still can't fucking fly.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw a sign in the booze aisle of the supermarket. It said "Alcohol-free"

Fucking bargain, I thought, so I picked up ten bottles of Prosecco.

There was a power cut in town today,

two blondes were stranded on a supermarket escalator for hours.

Everything you need to know about Australia

I REALLY hope these are true


These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for stupid questions!)


\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\...

I dreamed last night I was offered a job in a flying slaughterhouse as a butcher. The weird thing is that it would be in a 747, while in flight, so that deliveries to supermarkets were always as fresh as possible. The pay would be phenomenal, but the work extremely dangerous.

In the end, I turned down the offer.

*I simply felt that the steaks would be too high*

I lost my job as a supermarket assistant.

That's the last time anyone will ask me to show them the meat section.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady goes into a supermarket...

She walks down the first aisle and buys a single pint of milk.


She walks down the next aisle and picks up a little half loaf of bread.


She goes to the next aisle and chooses a ready-made shepherds pie for one and takes her shopping to the checkout.


The cashier starts...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman walked into a supermarket to buy some broccoli..

She went up to a man in the vegetable department and said, 'Sir, do you have any broccoli?' 


The man replied, 'No, ma'am, none today. Come back tomorrow.' 


A few hours later, the woman was back again, asking the man, 'Sir, do you have any broccoli?'
'Look, lady, I already to...

A German is in the supermarket when he passes by a loaf of bread and greets it

It had a gluten tag.

Courtesy of an 8 year old: A man goes to the supermarket

A man goes to the supermarket and puts a miniature milk bottle into his cart. Next he grabs a miniature loaf of bread and one miniature apple. At check out the cute cashier takes his miniature groceries and scans them one by one. Between the *beeps* she takes a good look at him and finally asks.
...

Two melons were in the supermarket

When one exclaimed to the other “Let’s run away from this place and get married!!”

The other one replied “Honey I do want to, but you know I can’t elope”

A supermarket greeter gets a new job at Asda

About two hours into his first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. He said pleasantly, “Good morning and welcome to Asda. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?’
T...

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