A guy in a supermarket goes up to the cashier and places two cans of dog food on the counter

The cashier asks, "Do you have a dog sir?" "Yes, it's at home," replies the man. "To be able to sell you the dog food sir, I must see the dog. That is store policy," says the cashier. Next day the man goes places two cans of cat food on the counter. "Do you own a cat sir?" asks the cashier. "Yes I d...

I saw a woman crying in the supermarket

So I stopped and asked what had happened. Through the sobs, said said that she was due to go on holiday, but all the money she had been saving for months was gone. Feeling sorry for her, I decided to give her £50 to try and help a bit.
It's not something I'd normally do, but I just found £2,000 ...

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A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter...

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "...and this gentleman kindly o...

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A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him...

She says hello.

He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies: "I think you’re the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and s...

A man was at a supermarket buying bread.

The cashier asked him if he wanted a bag. He said 'yes please, baguette'.

A boy was bagging groceries at the supermarket.

One day the store installed a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice.

Intrigued, the young man asked if he could be allowed to work the machine, but his request was denied.

The store manager said, "Sorry, kid, but baggers can't be juicers."

Why did I have to pay extra money for a bag of water at the supermarket?

It was an ex-ice tax.

Do people think you are YOUNG or OLD? The test, fall over in a supermarket…..

If everyone laughs, you are YOUNG.

If people run over to help, you are OLD.

I was in the supermarket the other day

My mum sent me in to get the essentials bread, milk etc.

So I got the bread, sugar, fruit and I made my way done to the milk aisle.

But I saw this old man, throwing cheese and milk everywhere.

I thought, how dairy...

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A guy was getting a lot of abuse from two kids at a supermarket.

So the guy says to the mother are they twins? Mother replies how the fuck can they be twins, one is 9 and the other one is 6 the guy replies, well I didn't think anyone could fuck you twice...

I took my 3 month old into the baby changing room at supermarket today

but there was only a ginger baby there so I kept the one i've got.

I saw a millennial chick at the supermarket and thought she looked odd.

Then I realised she can't even.

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I just met a guy in the supermarket who really reminded me of Elvis.

He walked up to me and said ‘don’t you fucking DARE forget about Elvis’.

I was at the supermarket, looked three freezers down and saw the most beautiful busty blonde picking out Asian dinners. I took a quick glance at her hand and saw no wedding ring! Well, as you can imagine, I promptly did what any virile, red-blooded man would do with this opportunity...

I got really nervous, said absolutely nothing, and strictly avoided eye-contact at all costs...

I remember 30 years ago with a dollar you went to the supermarket and went out with 2 sandwiches, 1 box of 6 beers and a pack of cigars.

Today, unfortunately, there are cameras everywhere.

So the supermarket was selling this new and improved "Gourmet Water"

And I have to say it was absolutely mouth watering

Earlier today, while I was leaving the supermarket, a guy came in crying and in a mess. He told me he lost his rent money in the supermarket and has no way to pay the rent now.

I felt so bad for him, so I gave him $100 from the $1500 I found

This kid was throwing cheese at me in the supermarket last night.

I thought, well that's mature.

So an Iraqi woman and an American woman are in the supermarket...

The Iraqi woman picks up a couple of potatoes and says, "These look just like my husband's balls."

"Really?" says the American woman. "That big?"

"No," says the Iraqi woman. "That dirty."

Thieves stole 30 crates of red bull from our local supermarket

I don’t know how they sleep at night

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A lady goes into a supermarket...

She walks down the first aisle and buys a single pint of milk.


She walks down the next aisle and picks up a little half loaf of bread.


She goes to the next aisle and chooses a ready-made shepherds pie for one and takes her shopping to the checkout.


The cashier starts...

In the supermarket yesterday, some bloke threw a pack of mild cheddar at me.

I thought "that's not very mature".

I recently started working for a charity that convinces local supermarkets to give us their expiring baked goods to donate to refugees and the local homeless. We're working in conjunction with local churches to help distribute donations. All of us are there voluntarily, after all..

It's a naan-prophet organization.

Did you hear about the man that bench pressed an entire supermarket?

He got arrested for shoplifting.

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A young woman goes to the supermarket, picks all her groceries, [offensive to some]

goes to the register and gives all her wares to the guy in the counter who scans it all. It’s one bread, one toothbrush, one toothpaste, one pack of salami, one apple, one banana, one bottle of milk and one small cheese. The guy behind the counter goes: «Let me guess: You’re single?» The woman sarca...

There was a sale today at the supermarket on soft drinks.

You can say I was Schwepped away by it.

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I saw a woman in the supermarket, struggling to control her kids.

She looked really stressed. Then she accidentally knocked over and smashed a bottle of milk.

She dropped to her knees and burst into tears, surrounded by spilled milk. It reminded me of something my dad used to say to my mum, so I walked over to her and said;

"Get a fucking grip, you s...

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I saw a sign in the booze aisle of the supermarket. It said "Alcohol-free"

Fucking bargain, I thought, so I picked up ten bottles of Prosecco.

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A young man was standing in line in the supermarket..

... When he notices a hot brunette waving at him and smiling. He was surprised to see such a gorgeous woman notice him and he felt he knew her from somewhere, no idea where, so he asked her:

"Excuse me, do we know each other from somewhere?

She replied:"I may be mistaken, but i think y...

No matter how hard I try and buy supermarket conveyor belt dividers...

...the cashier keeps on putting them back.

Death in the Supermarket

Constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.


A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious, da...

I was in the supermarket when I got a message on my phone telling me there were 24 singles in my area

Think I'm going to delete the Kraft Cheese app.

At the supermarket...

I asked a lady if I could touch her hair, she said yes, so I put my hand above her upper lip, and that's how the fight started

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in the cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies. "Put them back, we can't afford them", demands the wife. They carry on with their shopping. A few aisles farther on, the w...

A man told his wife he was going to the supermarket.

Man: I'm going to get get a carton of milk.

Wife: Okay, if you see bananas, get 6.

The man comes home with 6 cartons of milk.

Wife: What the hell!!! Why did you bring 6 cartons of milk!

Man: I saw bananas at the supermarket.

A woman was at the supermarket

A woman was at the supermarket with her kid and was about to check out. When she got to the cash register, all she had was a backpack. The clerk asked her why she wanted the backpack since her kid was still very young. She responded, "I'm going to stuff my kid in the backpack and carry him around." ...

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Chad Kroger walks into a supermarket.

He buys a Powerade.

The cashier says, "that'll be 95 cents."

Chad Kroger gives the cashier a dollar and takes the Powerade without taking his change.

Before Chad leaves the cashier yells, "Wait!"

Chad replies, "What?"

"Your band fucking sucks."

I think supermarkets are really gross,

but the people that work there are grocer.

I dreamed last night I was offered a job in a flying slaughterhouse as a butcher. The weird thing is that it would be in a 747, while in flight, so that deliveries to supermarkets were always as fresh as possible. The pay would be phenomenal, but the work extremely dangerous.

In the end, I turned down the offer.

*I simply felt that the steaks would be too high*

A new high-tech, fully automated supermarket opened recently in town.

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.


When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.


In the meat departmen...

I bought six wine bottles in the supermarket.

The cashier said, 'Do you want a box?'

I said, 'Alright, buddy, but I'm not much of a fighter.'

I was walking around a supermarket.

"Is there anything I can help you with?" asked one of the assistants.

I said, "Yes, please, buddy. Where do you keep your condoms?"

He replied, "In my wallet, sir, but I'm not sure you're the right fit."

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A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket

A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket." "Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
The woman looked puzzled. "Why talk to me?" she asked.
"Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife a...

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around...

Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.

"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently."

"I'm ve...

A woman finished shopping at a supermarket and went to the checkout line

She wanted to purchase one can of soda, a TV dinner for one and one brownie. The guy working the checkout said "let me guess, you're single". She looked at her items and sarcastically asked "gee how did you guess?" The cashier said “because you’re ugly”.

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I was in the Supermarket with the wife

When suddenly out of the blue she said "what a lazy useless bastard you are"

Well, I was so shocked that I nearly fell out of the trolley.

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Bought a can of fly spray from the supermarket today. Sprayed it all over myself.

I still can't fucking fly.

Two melons were in the supermarket

When one exclaimed to the other “Let’s run away from this place and get married!!”

The other one replied “Honey I do want to, but you know I can’t elope”

Courtesy of an 8 year old: A man goes to the supermarket

A man goes to the supermarket and puts a miniature milk bottle into his cart. Next he grabs a miniature loaf of bread and one miniature apple. At check out the cute cashier takes his miniature groceries and scans them one by one. Between the *beeps* she takes a good look at him and finally asks.
...

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A woman walked into a supermarket to buy some broccoli..

She went up to a man in the vegetable department and said, 'Sir, do you have any broccoli?' 


The man replied, 'No, ma'am, none today. Come back tomorrow.' 


A few hours later, the woman was back again, asking the man, 'Sir, do you have any broccoli?'
'Look, lady, I already to...

A German is in the supermarket when he passes by a loaf of bread and greets it

It had a gluten tag.

I lost my job as a supermarket assistant.

That's the last time anyone will ask me to show them the meat section.

Two Australians are fighting over the last loaf of bread at the supermarket

They're both holding on to the loaf when one of them says:



It's stale mate.

Wholesale supermarket

So, the other day my wife texted me, said we were having salad for dinner, and asked me to grab a head of lettuce on my way home from work. I said OK and decide to try the new discount supermarket that opened right off the highway. When I get in, it's clear that this place specializes in wholesale: ...

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I was in the supermarket today and the cashier asked the foreign couple in front of me if they needed help packing their bags

Fuck me, we only voted out yesterday give them a chance

A man went to the supermarket to buy some condoms

Cashier: Do you need a bag?

Man: Nah, she's not that ugly...

I went to a Chinese supermarket but couldn't read the sign telling me which is the express checkout

All I saw was a bunch of lines

An embarassing supermarket checkout . . .

When Jane reached the checkout counter, she learned that one of her items had a scratched bar code, making it unreadable to the scanner.

Imagine her embarrassment when the cashier got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, “Price check on Tampax, supersize please.”

A...

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What do you call a moth in a supermarket?

I can't believe it's not butterfly.

I saw a lady crying at the supermarket today because she had lost her money and couldn't buy diapers that she wanted to buy.

I felt so bad that I bought them for her, but it's fine because I found a 100 dollar bill at the parking lot anyways.

A woman walks into a supermarket

She grabs a zucchini and two limes and goes to pay for them. As the cashier is ringing up her items he comments to her;

"I can tell you're single"

The woman giggles and asks coyly

"Oh what gave that away"

The cashier replies

"Because you're fat"

My favorite supermarket had a fantastic deal on a mirror...

... I could see myself buying it.

A little Muslim kid losts his mom at the supermarket

The assisant asks him: "What does your mom look like?"

The kid says: "I have no idea"

I was walking through a supermarket when a tower of toilet paper fell on me

I'm worried I have soft tissue damage.

An elderly woman overhears a young mother and her daughter in the supermarket

"I want these cookies!", screams the child. "Laura, we're almost at the cashier, we'll soon be home", says the mother patiently.

"I want ice cream!", cries the child a few seconds later on their way to check out. "Laura, it won't be long anymore, we're almost there", says the mother, with no ...

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3 couples are trying to get married

3 couples are trying to get married at the same church. There is a young couple, a middle aged couple, and an elderly couple. The three couples meet with the priest and discuss when they can get married.

"If you wish to get married in my church, you must all go one month without having sex," ...

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Bartering Australian style

This morning I was in luck and was able to buy two boxes of VB beer cheap at the local supermarket.

I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home.
I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.

S...

A confused blonde asks her boyfriend to help her assemble a puzzle she bought in the supermarket.

She tells her boyfriend that the puzzle formed a chicken, since a picture of a chicken was on the box.

Eager to help, her boyfriend asked her to bring him the puzzle as soon as possible.

The blonde brings the puzzle to her boyfriend's house. When she sees her boyfriend, she shows him t...

I stabbed twenty people in the supermarket line with thin needles.

It's a new type of therapy I'm calling "aqueuepuncture".

What should pianists take with them to the supermarket?

A Chopin Liszt.

When Paul was working as a supermarket stock boy,

he noticed that before choosing a melon, shoppers would hold the fruit up to their ears and knock on it. He never knew what they expected to hear, so one day he asked an older gentleman looking over the melons. ‘

Son,’ the man replied, ‘I’'ve been doing this for forty years. All I know is tha...

Today at the supermarket..

A can of coke fell on my head
I am lucky it was a soft drink.

A guy was checking out at a supermarket with an attractive young clerk.

She scanned the frozen dinners, the beer, the ramen noodles and kept giving him eyes in between each scan.

As she scanned the condoms she looks and him and says, "Single huh?"

He replies, "yea, how'd you know?"

She says, "Because you're ugly."

A woman dressed in a burqa was shopping in a supermarket

And soon discovered that she was being followed around by a little boy who apparently seemed dumbfounded and kept looking at her wide eyed.

Being a muslim woman, she was used to getting weird looks and tried to brush it off and kept shopping.

She finally went to the checkout lane and f...

Why did the DJ get fired from the supermarket?

He kept dropping the beets.

A supermarket greeter gets a new job at Asda

About two hours into his first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. He said pleasantly, “Good morning and welcome to Asda. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?’
T...

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A small Muslim boy is lost in the supermarket...

so he runs to an employee and says, "I've lost my mother!"

The employee leans down and asks "What does your mother look like?"

The kid wipes his eyes and looks at the employee. "I have no fucking idea."

Edit: I'm sorry to those that are getting offended/angry/and are calling me ...

My wife rushed into the supermarket to grab a few items

She headed for the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back turned to her.

"Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?"

The clerk turned, stared at her for a second, looked her up and down, smiled and said, "Not bad."

I was worried my wife was cheating on me because she made frequent trips to the supermarket late at night...

She said not to worry, she was just going out to get bred

You know those slices of American cheese you get from the supermarket? You're not going to be able to buy those anymore.

Since Trump is going to make America grate again, apparently.

What did the impatient emo do at the supermarket?

Cut in line.

A dinosaur goes to a supermarket

A dinosaur goes to the supermarket to do some grocery shopping. He gets to the register and the worker scans all his items. When all the scanning is done, and the dinosaur has to pay, the worker asks:

'So how are you paying today?'

The dinosaur replies:

'With tyrannosaurus check...

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A bloke is in a queue at the supermarket...

...when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can’t place where he might know her from, so he says “sorry do you know me?”

She re...

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A man is at the supermarket with his 7 year old son when they walk past the condoms

The boy asks: 'Daddy, what are those?', to which the man replies 'Those are condoms son'. 'What are they for?', asks the boy. His dad replies 'To, ehhm ah eh, protect you from diseases'.
'Why do they sell them in packs of 3, 6 and 12?'.
'Well, the packs of 3 are for 16 year olds. One for fri...

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I was in the supermarket for literally 5 minutes

When I came out there was a cop writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Dick headed cop. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn...

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An old woman goes into a supermarket to buy cat food.

An old woman goes into a supermarket to buy cat food. Knowing that times are hard, the cashier is sure that the old woman is buying the cat food to eat it herself.

"Before I can let you buy that, I need you to prove to me that you own a cat."

The old woman is upset, and tries to argue...

A girl walks into a supermarket

...she picks up a banana, a can of soup, and a loaf of bread. She then walks up to the cash register to pay.

The cashier looks at her and the items she has and says, "I can tell you're single."

She smiles and responds, "How do you know that?"

He says, "Because you're ugly."

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At the supermarket

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Athena the wonder dog at Wal-Mart and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired, with little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and tha...

I saw a woman in the supermarket pick up her kids by the hair

Certainly raised a few eyebrows

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A guy searches for his wife at the supermarket..

A guy went to the supermarket w/ his wife, after a few minutes by the beverages section he realises his wife is missing. He then asks a guy (one that seems to be searching for someone too) near him:

- Husband: Hey dude, have you seen my wife?

- Stranger: Hey, I'm also looking for mine!...

Where in the supermarket would you find the Dalai Lama?

Eggs-aisle.

[True story] I ordered fresh tilapia with my groceries from the supermarket, but they gave me frozen instead

Tastes like carp.

A young muslim boy is lost in the supermarket...

and starts crying. So one of the employees goes over to help: "Its ok, we'll find your mum for you. So, what does she look like?"
The kid replies "I dont know."

Mary goes to the supermarket...

Mary goes to the supermarket, needing eggs and bread. She is particularly fond of potato bread, but she can't reach it, as it is stocked on the top shelf. She sees a taller woman and asks for assistance. The other woman, happy to help, reaches up and grabs the potato bread and hands it to Mary.
<...

A woman walks into a supermarket.

She buys a bar of soap, a roll of toilet paper, a single size dinner, and a single size ice cream. The guy at the checkout looks at her and says "Single are you?" The woman replies very sarcastically "How did you guess?" He replies, "Because you're ugly."

Blind guy walks into a supermarket...

Starts swinging his dog around his head.

Shop keeper says: "What're you doing?"

Blind guy says "just having a look around"

Credit: Billy Connolly

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A bloke notices a gorgeous bird giving him the eye in the supermarket.

"Do I know you?" he asks.
She says, "Aren't you the dad of one of my kids?"
He thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful and says, "Were you the hooker I fucked over the pool table at my bucks night, while your mate spanked me with a piece of wet celery while shoving that ma...

A 5 years old girl enters the supermarket...

...grabs 4 beers and goes to the cash desk. The lady smiles at her and asks:

"Do you think you can carry all four of them all by yourself?"

The little girls thinks for a second and says:

"Yeah, you're right. I'll drink one here before I go"

Why do they ask you if you want paper or plastic at the supermarket?

Because baggers can't be choosers.

The next time you're in the supermarket

The next time you're in the supermarket stocking up on beer, frozen pizza & nachos pick up a box of diapers , some baby milk formula and a few jars of baby food.
When you get to the till, let the cashier ring it all in before announcing that you don't have enough money, can they please take t...

I was doing some shopping at the supermarket...

...and had a cart full of groceries and a lovely bouquet of flowers. Coincidentally, my wife walked in just as I was checking out.

She noticed the flowers I was buying and jokingly said "Those had better be for me!"

The teenager at the register turned and said "Even if they weren't, t...

A woman went to the supermarket...

And bought :

* 12 eggs


* Orange Juice


* Lettuce


* Bacon



While she was close to do the checkout, a drunk man that was right behind her made an observation:

" You must be single "

She felt a little uneasy, as she was actually single....

I saw a German person acting bitter at the supermarket today.

Guess that makes him a sauerkraut.

A couple is at the supermarket

As they arrive at the alcohol section, the man wants to put vodka and beers in the cart.
His girlfriend says no, pretending it's the end of the month, and they haven't much money left.

- "but you took tons of make-up" objects the guy.

- "yeah" says the woman, "but it's for looking b...

At the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode...

I asked, "Are you two an item?"

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