A new supermarket opened near my house.

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing, and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.

In the meat department, there is th...

When I was in the supermarket, I saw a man and a woman both dressed as barcodes ...

I think they were an item.

I was checking out at supermarket today when I noticed the man in front of me put only one thing on the conveyor belt...

A box of condoms. Not only did he notice me staring but decided to make super uncomfortable eye contact.

So to lighten the mood I put my bottle of ketchup on the belt and said "looks like we've both bought something to put on our sausages"

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife. "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,...

Blundered at the supermarket earlier, went in for 6 cans of Sprite

picked 7up

Back in the days, I'd only take just $1 with me to the supermarket and came back with 3 bottles of soda and 2 bags of crisps

But these days, there are surveillance cameras everywhere

A Girl walks into a Supermarket...

...she picks up a banana, a can of soup, and a loaf of bread. She then walks up to the cash register to pay.


The cashier looks at her, and the items she has and says,


"I can tell you're single."



She smiles and responds,



"How do you know that?"
<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter...

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "...and this gentleman kindly o...

I found 20 quid outside the supermarket and I felt a little bit guilty as I picked it up, so because it’s Good Friday I thought to myself, “What would Jesus do?”.

So I turned it into wine...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy finishes shopping at the supermarket and goes to the register.

As he checks out, the girl takes notice of the items he is buying: cat food, a TV dinner for one, and a bottle of cheap wine.

The girl asks the man, "I bet you're single, aren't you?"

The man, sensing a possible flirt, asks, "Why yes I am, how could you tell?"

The girl looks him...

I was queuing to go into the supermarket when the man in front of me farted.

Before I could say anything, he said, "If you heard anything it means you're not following social distancing. But if you can smell it, luckily for you it means that you're covid negative!"

A man walks into a supermarket, unfortunately his zipper is down

A young female cashier approached the man and said to him, "Your barracks door is open." Not a phrase that men usually use, so the man went about his business in the store, slightly confused.

As he was almost done with his shopping, another man came up to him and said, "Hey buddy, your fly is...

What would Gandalf have said if The Lord of the Rings played in a supermarket instead of Middle-Earth?

One ring to rule the mall.

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk a carton of eggs a quart of orange juice a head of romaine lettuce a 2 lb. can of coffee a 1 lb. package of bacon

As she was unloading her items onto the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her was watching.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict'...

I've mastered a way to pick up dates at the supermarket

It's super simple, just head down over to the dried fruits isle

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An exotically dressed prostitute is perusing the meat section of the supermarket, looking perplexed.

The butcher walks over to her and asks, “Can I help you find something?”

The prostitute explains that she while she was selecting some chicken to grill, she realized she wasn’t sure if the meat was from a hen or rooster.

Surprised, the butcher replies, “You know, I’d never considered...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was on my phone reading the news waiting in the supermarket checkout line. A dude came up and asked me, “what’s in the news tonight?”

Me: “Man who pays no taxes returns to government provided housing after receiving free medical treatment from taxpayer funded healthcare.”

Dude: “sounds like some libtard bullshit.”

Me: “Yeah, here is another - Husband of immigrant woman ignores government health guidelines and possibl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was in a long line at the supermarket. As he got to the checkout he realized he had forgotten to get condoms.

So he asked the checkout girl if she could have some condoms brought up to register.

She asked, “What size condoms?” The customer replied that he didn’t know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did, and she reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him, then picked up the store intercom and ...

A new supermarket opened near me a few weeks ago.

They’re trying a new thing: immersion! For example, when you stop by the deli you can smell fresh grass and hear cows mooing, at the fish section you smell sea salt and feel a small bit of spray on your face, and at the fruit stall you can see mist on the apples, and smell fields of oranges and pear...

Two friends met at the neighborhood supermarket.

When they got to the checkout one of the ladies started rummaging through her purse for her wallet, she took out a few things, including a TV remote.

“Do you always take the remote with you when you go shopping?” The other woman laughed.

“No,” the woman answered “But I asked my husband...

It's nice to see that my local supermarket is saving energy by raising the temperature of it's freezers.

But "Rocky Road" soup is an acquired taste.

Been analysing my spending and it turns out rather than large purchases, most of my expenditure seems to go on the mysterious middle aisle in German supermarkets.

To put it another way: it’s not the big things, it’s Aldi Lidl things.

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A woman in a supermarket rushed to the checkout counter with a few items,

The clerk had his back turned to her, so she said, "Excuse me, I'm in a bit of a hurry so could you please check me out?"
The clerk swerved round, looked the woman up and down, then said "Nice tits."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Poor poor William

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved three-year-old grandson.

It’s obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits … you name it.

Meanwhile, Grandpa is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, “Ea...

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A guy was shopping with his wife in the supermarket.

Going down the aisle he notices a special offer, of 2 boxes of beer for £10.00. So he says to his wife can I get 2 boxes.?

Wife: No we cannot afford it.

Husband: But you have just spent £50.00. On makeup.

Wife: That is to make me look attractive

Husband: That's what the f...

A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why do you want to talk to me?" she asked puzzled.

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."

Hey girl, are you a non essential trip to the supermarket?

Because you got FINE written all over you

There was a woman in the supermarket holding a huge multicoloured flag and making loud pigeon sounds.

I told her to mind her peace and coos.

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I am dreading the day when you no longer have to mask up in the supermarket.

Everyone will know I'm the cunt with the Tourettes

I’m 3’6”, which makes certain daily tasks extremely difficult. Recently, I spent a good 10 minutes in my local supermarket wondering how to get the pasta down from the top shelf.

Then suddenly the penne dropped.

An English woman finds out her husband is cheating on her

She is distraught, fueled by anger - so much so that she decides the only course of action is to have him killed. In her grief, she contacts and old friend who works amongst the criminal underbelly of London. He recommends she seek out a specific hitman, known in the business as Big Artie. He is eff...

What’s it called when you drop a steak in the supermarket?

Ground beef...

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Two old friends meet at the supermarket and one says

"Hey, man! How have you been?"

"Oh, great," says the other. "I have recently bought an elephant."

"An elephant? Are you serious?" asks his friend.

"Yeah, man. The kids love him, he's their best friend. They call him Mr Trunks. He washes my car with his trunk. I don't need to cut...

John was returning from work when he remembered that today was his daughter's birthday...

There was still time so he decided to quickly drive and buy a gift for her.
He went to the local supermarket and headed straight to the toys section in search of a toy his daughter would cherish.

He found employee there and asked his advise on which Barbie doll would make the best gift. ...

They said that a mask and gloves were enough to go to the supermarket.

They lied, everyone else has clothes on.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to the supermarket one day. He’s doing his shopping when he notices an attractive young woman waving at him.

She comes over and says hi to him.

He’s taken aback because he can’t think where he knows her from. So he asks her, “Do you know me?”

She replies, “Yes, I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”

The guy’s mind is whirring now and it travels back to the only time he’s ever be...

I was in the supermarket the other day with my fiance

I was in the supermarket the other day with my fiancee and pointed out a guy who had lowered his mask to pick his nose.

Her: "You're allowed to take your mask off to eat."

There was a power cut at the supermarket today....

2 blondes were stuck on the escalator for hours.

KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while she was there she went out to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. 

Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back...

There's usually workers at supermarkets who temperature probe incoming deliveries

It's to make sure the temperature is below the required level and the produce hasn't spoiled.

They don't get paid for doing this, they just do it probe ono

What's bad to hear at the supermarket but worse to hear at the doctors?

Unexpected item in the bagging area.

In a supermarket lvan lost sight of his wife.

In a supermarket Ivan lost sight of his wife. He comes up to a nice young lady and asks, "Will you talk with me for a couple of minutes, please?"
"Why should I?"
"It's always the same -- as soon as I get into talking with a pretty woman my wife abruptly pops up from out of nowhere.

Little Karl was with his grandma in a supermarket

Little Karl yelled to his grandma: Granny, I need to pee!

Grandma replied: We are in a public place, don't say you need to pee, say something nice, say you need to sing.

Later, when grandma was sleeping, Little Karl went to grandmas room and woke her: Granny, I need to sing!

Gr...

I really want to buy one of those supermarket checkout dividers.

But the lady behind the till keeps putting it back

I remember 30 years ago with a dollar you went to the supermarket and went out with 2 sandwiches, 1 box of 6 beers and a pack of cigars.

Today, unfortunately, there are cameras everywhere.

A man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him...

She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease, it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay".

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Goodbye Mum" as I leave the store, it would ...

When buying carrots in a supermarket

i also buy a lubricant, so people don't take me for a vegan.

Saw a man at the supermarket today who was saying the most nasty things while walking up and down the aisle, picking different kinds of breakfast-food off the shelves, shouting at the boxes and putting them back again. I asked the manager what his problem was.

Turns out the guy's a cereal offender.

A shelf stacker was stacking pasta boxes. In a local supermarket.

When the shelf suddenly collapsed on him. His manager called the paramedics but by the time they came he had sadly pastaway.

I was just in my local supermarket...

Saw a fellow whose trolley was full to the brim with hand sanitiser, baby wipes, soaps, toilet paper; everything that people are in need of.

I called him a selfish b\*stard and gave him a lecture about the elderly and infirm etc. who need these types of things. Told him he should be ashamed o...

I was in the supermarket the other day when this guy threw a block of cheddar at me.

Outraged, I shouted : "Well that's not very mature is it ?"

Awhile ago I went to the supermarket and bought some self raising flour...

It’s been 6 months and I’m still looking after it!

Lost my job at the supermarket so trying my luck as a musician

I don’t know much but I know how to tuna can

*(Courtesy of my extremely tired brain whilst unpacking groceries)*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just saw a woman leaving the supermarket with a lot of booze and toilet paper

She's gonna laugh the shit out of her

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman goes to Dr. Johnson to increase...

...the size of her breasts. Dr. Johnson gives her a series of rhythmic arm movements to do and tells her to also repeat “If I do this like I must, I will increase my bust”.
Additionally she must do the exercises twice a day at 10am and 2pm. After two weeks she sees improvement and so she does bot...

A guy walks in a supermarket to buy tomatoes

Once he reaches to the tomato stand he asks:

Guy: Are this tomatoes genetically modified?

Tomato: No.

How do you call the supermarket section for young people?

The juvenile

I saw a woman crying in the supermarket

So I stopped and asked what had happened. Through the sobs, said said that she was due to go on holiday, but all the money she had been saving for months was gone. Feeling sorry for her, I decided to give her £50 to try and help a bit.
It's not something I'd normally do, but I just found £2,000 ...

I just watched a guy purchase a piñata, some paella and a sombrero at the supermarket.

I thought to myself... Hispanic buying.

So I was in the supermarket this morning and I had an accident when all the Omega-3 feel on me

I'm ok, the manager assured me my injuries where Super fish oil.

When my wife sends me to the supermarket to get cucumbers

I also buy Vaseline so the cashier doesnt think that im a vegan

I was at the supermarket, looked three freezers down and saw the most beautiful busty blonde picking out Asian dinners. I took a quick glance at her hand and saw no wedding ring! Well, as you can imagine, I promptly did what any virile, red-blooded man would do with this opportunity...

I got really nervous, said absolutely nothing, and strictly avoided eye-contact at all costs...

Grocery Shopping

Fred and Brenda go to the local supermarket and as they're looking around Fred sees a massive pile of lager cans with the sign '12 for a tenner' on it. He rushes over and adds a twelve pack to their trolley.

'oh no you don't. We can't afford that. Put em back' says Brenda

'But it's 12 ...

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work.

The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom, and said "Your first job will be to sweep out the store.”

“But I'm a college graduate!” the young man replied indignantly.

“Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that" said the manager. "Here, give me the broom - I...

An orange is in a supermarket

The security guard comes over to him and asks “what are you doing?”
The orange replies “nothing, just looking round”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw a woman in the supermarket, struggling to control her kids.

She looked really stressed. Then she accidentally knocked over and smashed a bottle of milk.

She dropped to her knees and burst into tears, surrounded by spilled milk. It reminded me of something my dad used to say to my mum, so I walked over to her and said;

"Get a fucking grip, you s...

10 years ago I would've brought home eggs, bread, cigarettes and milk from the supermarket with just 5€ in my pocket.

But today they have surveillance cameras everywhere.

Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around the supermarket when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy:

"Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

"That's okay," the young guy says. "It's a coincidence really because I'm looking for my wife, too."

"Well, maybe I can help you find her. W...

A man was in the supermarket buying snacks for lunchtime when he saw a new babybel cheese with multi-colour wax.

The type of cheese wasn't labelled but he decided to try it anyway and found he really liked it. However, he couldn't decipher what cheese it was so he bought another one the next day.

The next day he yet again enjoyed it but still couldn't figure out what it was. His friend said he liked c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My missus said that my cock reminds her of her favourite supermarket.

I said, "Why, because it's well stocked and capable of supplying you with your every need?"

"No," she replied. "Because it's Lidl.

Apparently I execute commands badly....

Wife sent me to the supermarket with a simple request:
#
Go to the supermarket and buy a loaf of bread
#
If they have eggs get a dozen.
#
Came home with 12 loafs of bread,
#
Still don’t get why she’s mad?

I went to the supermarket to get some beer...

And I came back with a case of Corona

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A small Muslim boy is lost in the supermarket...

so he runs to an employee and says, "I've lost my mother!"

The employee leans down and asks "What does your mother look like?"

The kid wipes his eyes and looks at the employee. "I have no fucking idea."

Edit: I'm sorry to those that are getting offended/angry/and are calling me ...

The supermarket cashier asked if I wanted to donate food to Africa to help solve world hunger.

I said, "no thanks. World hunger will be solved a lot faster if we stop feeding them."

Yesterday I went to the supermarket, had a stuffy nose when an old lady asked me:

“Are you sick?”

“No, it’s just cocaine”

She looked at me and replied:

“Thank god young men”

I went to the supermarket but they were all out of bread.

I guess some people weren't able to buy any toilet paper.

A man told his wife he was going to the supermarket.

Man: I'm going to get get a carton of milk.

Wife: Okay, if you see bananas, get 6.

The man comes home with 6 cartons of milk.

Wife: What the hell!!! Why did you bring 6 cartons of milk!

Man: I saw bananas at the supermarket.

Supermarket cashiers must be really traumatized if they land in the ICU

Beep, beep, beep...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just saw a guy buying all the crab, lobster, shrimp, and oysters from my local supermarket while others were left without any and I couldn't help but think..

...You shellfish bastard.

Corona virus has caused our local supermarket to sell out of pasta

All because of a fusilli people

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I was in the supermarket the other day and there was a girl in front of me at the checkout, she had one apple, one pear, one toothbrush, one cup o noodle, and one can of soup.

I leaned over and said, "You're single arent you.."

She says, "Yes, but how did you know?"

I said, "Because you're ugly as fuck!"

A man is at the checkout at the supermarket.

A man is at the checkout at the supermarket. He gives the cashier his groceries. 1 chicken breast, 1 potato, 1 carrot, 1 tomato, 1 bread roll, and 1 beer.

The cashier asks "are you single?"

He says "yes, how did you know?"

She replies "you are really ugly!"

Do people think you are YOUNG or OLD? The test, fall over in a supermarket…..

If everyone laughs, you are YOUNG.

If people run over to help, you are OLD.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was in the supermarket today and the cashier asked the foreign couple in front of me if they needed help packing their bags

Fuck me, we only voted out yesterday give them a chance

Why did the skeleton go to the supermarket?

To get SPARE RIBS!

Happy Halloween to all the dad joke lovers out there!

A supermarket is having a sale

A supermarket is having a sale with everything discounted, so a man went in and bought some dog food. However, upon paying, the cashier insisted that he prove he actually had a dog.

“According to our rule, to buy discounted dog food, you need to prove you’re a dog owner.”
“What kind of rul...

Just heard on the news that some supermarkets are severely restricting how many of a particular item you can buy!

Woolworths > 1 - Container of hand sanitiser, 1 - 500g pack of rice, 1 - Ppack of toilet paper;

Coles > 1- pack of toilet paper, 1 - Container of hand sanitiser, 1 - Can of beans;

Aldi > 1 - MIG welder, 1 - Ladies sports bra, 1 - 2m tall garden trellis

A man goes to the supermarket

A man in a supermarket goes up to a cashier and places two cans of dog food on the counter.

The cashier asks, "Do you have a dog sir?" "Yes, it's at home," replies the man. "To be able to sell you the dog food sir, I must see the dog. That is store policy," says the cashier.

The next ...

A man walks into a supermarket and goes to the produce section...

He asks the man working the counter for three pounds of potatoes. The worker says, "Mate, we use kilos nowadays."
The man shrugs and says, "Fine, three pounds of kilos, then."

A blind man was looking for bananas in a supermarket

...his efforts were fruit aisle (oc)

A group of teenagers robbed our local supermarket and stole 180 cans of red bull.

I don't know how these people can sleep at night.

I was behind a fat girl in tight jeans at the supermarket checkout...

Her label said “Guess?”

I said, “ Oh I don’t know, 450 pounds?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man was standing in line in the supermarket..

... When he notices a hot brunette waving at him and smiling. He was surprised to see such a gorgeous woman notice him and he felt he knew her from somewhere, no idea where, so he asked her:

"Excuse me, do we know each other from somewhere?

She replied:"I may be mistaken, but i think y...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Chad Kroger walks into a supermarket.

He buys a Powerade.

The cashier says, "that'll be 95 cents."

Chad Kroger gives the cashier a dollar and takes the Powerade without taking his change.

Before Chad leaves the cashier yells, "Wait!"

Chad replies, "What?"

"Your band fucking sucks."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just met a guy in the supermarket who really reminded me of Elvis.

He walked up to me and said ‘don’t you fucking DARE forget about Elvis’.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three Couples

Three couples are trying to get married at the same church. There is a young couple, a middle aged couple, and an elderly couple. The three couples meet with the priest and discuss when they can get married. "If you wish to get married in my church, you must all go one month without having sex," say...

Death in the Supermarket

Constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.


A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious, da...

A woman was at the supermarket

A woman was at the supermarket with her kid and was about to check out. When she got to the cash register, all she had was a backpack. The clerk asked her why she wanted the backpack since her kid was still very young. She responded, "I'm going to stuff my kid in the backpack and carry him around." ...

I helped lead a blind man into our local supermarket today.

I mean we were aiming for the car park but I'm a driving instructor, not a miracle worker.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man goes into a supermarket:

He buys 1 casserole 1 bottle of wine and 1 yogurt for afters.

Beautiful Cashier says to him, are you single, embarrassed and flattered he says, how did you guess?

She replied because you are fucking ugly:

A supermarket greeter gets a new job at Asda

About two hours into his first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. He said pleasantly, “Good morning and welcome to Asda. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?’
T...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bought a can of fly spray from the supermarket today. Sprayed it all over myself.

I still can't fucking fly.

So the supermarket was selling this new and improved "Gourmet Water"

And I have to say it was absolutely mouth watering

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy was getting a lot of abuse from two kids at a supermarket.

So the guy says to the mother are they twins? Mother replies how the fuck can they be twins, one is 9 and the other one is 6 the guy replies, well I didn't think anyone could fuck you twice...

A boy was bagging groceries at the supermarket.

One day the store installed a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice.

Intrigued, the young man asked if he could be allowed to work the machine, but his request was denied.

The store manager said, "Sorry, kid, but baggers can't be juicers."

A German is in the supermarket when he passes by a loaf of bread and greets it

It had a gluten tag.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bloke is in a queue at the supermarket...

...when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can’t place where he might know her from, so he says “sorry do you know me?”

She re...

I was in the supermarket the other day

My mum sent me in to get the essentials bread, milk etc.

So I got the bread, sugar, fruit and I made my way done to the milk aisle.

But I saw this old man, throwing cheese and milk everywhere.

I thought, how dairy...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady goes into a supermarket...

She walks down the first aisle and buys a single pint of milk.


She walks down the next aisle and picks up a little half loaf of bread.


She goes to the next aisle and chooses a ready-made shepherds pie for one and takes her shopping to the checkout.


The cashier starts...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman walked into a supermarket to buy some broccoli..

She went up to a man in the vegetable department and said, 'Sir, do you have any broccoli?' 


The man replied, 'No, ma'am, none today. Come back tomorrow.' 


A few hours later, the woman was back again, asking the man, 'Sir, do you have any broccoli?'
'Look, lady, I already to...

Why did I have to pay extra money for a bag of water at the supermarket?

It was an ex-ice tax.

A funny story written by some of my Chinese students, 10/11 years old. i hope it makes you laugh

The Foolish Farmer


 
A long time ago, there was a farmer who had never been to the city before. One day, he went to the supermarket in the city. He saw a rubber that was like a small car. He asked the seller, “Why is this car so small?”
 


The seller replied, “ Its not a c...

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