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My small grandson got lost in the shopping mall.... (NSFW-ish)

My small grandson got lost in the shopping mall....

He approached a uniformed security guard and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"

The guard asked, "What's his name?"

"Grandpa"

The guard smiles then asked, "What's he like?"

The boy hesitated for a moment then replies,...

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A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, “What is this, Father?”

The father, never having seen an elevator, responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the movin...

Why does everyone hate the shopping mall that only has a store that stocks a single handbag for women?

Because it's a one purse center.

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An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall

Walking by some kid dressed like a punk rocker with colorful hair sat next to him. The old man looks at kid perplexingly. Annoyed the kid says to the old man “Is there a fucking problem!” The old man replied “no problem, but I fucked a peacock once and I’m just wondering if you’re my son”

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An old man set out on his first trip to the mall

At the food court he was people watching and noticed a young man dressed in wild clothes with a multi-color mohawk.

The young man notices the old man staring so he walks over and rudely asks him if he has a problem.

The old man stared at him a moment longer and said, "Not really, just ...

An Amish family goes to a mall for the first time

And of course they are overwhelmed. The man stands in front of an elevator, puzzled what this contraption may be. He watches a very heavyset woman enter it, the doors close and the elevator goes up, and as it returns, a young, beautiful woman emerges.

"What is that, Pa?", little Joshua wants...

An atheist comes into a mall

And there is no parking spot, so he says "God, if you give me parking spot, I will convert myself and become Christian".

Two minutes later he says "Nevermind I found one"

Did you hear about the architect who had an unhealthy obsession with designing overly intricate shopping malls?

He had a complex complex complex.

Ralph is driving home one evening, when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present. He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store, and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?

In a condescending manner, she says, "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00." Ralph asks...

Pirates get some crazy deals in the mall.

For example, they can get piercings for just a buccaneer.

I met a girl crying outside a mall.

I asked her what's wrong, she said she lost 200$. So I gave her 40$ from the 200$ I picked up at the entrance.
When god blesses you, you must bless others.

The Actor that plays Pennywise has a security detail comprised entirely of disfigured war vets who maim mall security

Skaarsgards scarred guards scars guards

Where do people go to argue in the mall?

They don't. No one goes to malls anymore, but they used to go to the Feud Court.

Why is it called “The Mall”

Because instead of going to one store, you’re going to “Them all”

Library of Congress bomber…

Yesterday’s attempted bomber said there are 4 more bombs planted in DC. After botching bombing Congress by showing up at the Library of Congress, the FBI has ordered the immediate evacuation of :

-the Richmond Mall’s Supreme Food Court

-The Hexagon Building on Connecticut Ave

-...

A penguin is driving to the mall...

All of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood. Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to it for a couple hours. The penguin says f...

John was returning from work when he remembered that today was his daughter's birthday...

There was still time so he decided to quickly drive and buy a gift for her.
He went to the local supermarket and headed straight to the toys section in search of a toy his daughter would cherish.

He found employee there and asked his advise on which Barbie doll would make the best gift. ...

Please put on your mask. It saves lives.

Yesterday a friend of mine went out with his girlfriend and on the way to the mall he passed by his wife and she did not recognize him. The mask really saved his life.

Best Husband Ever!

The Perfect Husband:
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: “Hello”

WOMAN: “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

...

Little John is walking at the mall with his grandma.

He sees a coin of 1 euro. He asks his grandma: can I pick that up?
His grandma answers: no, no, everything that’s on the ground is dirty.

They walk further and he sees a note of 5 euro. He asks his grandma: can I pick that up?
His grandma answers: no, no, everything that’s on the gro...

How do people lose their kids in the mall......?

Seriously, any tips would be greatly appreciated.

They’re having a great sale in person at the mall for Black Friday

Everything is buy one, get achoo free

I saw a sign at the mall that said "wet floor"

So I did

A man finally gets the girl of his dreams

After she yes to dating him, he’s so ecstatic he takes her to the mall to go shopping. And after a few minutes of shopping, he notices the line for the cashier stretched long, around the mall. But he’s too excited to care for long.

Next his girlfriend suggests lunch, which both are quite hung...

An Irishman was flustered because he couldn't find a parking space in a large mall's parking lot.

"Lord," he prayed. "I can't stand this! If you open up a space for me, I swear I'll give up drinking whiskey, and I promise to go to church every Sunday."

The clouds parted, sun shining on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the Irishman said, "Nevermind, found one!"

A guy could not find his wife at the mall. He approaches the hottest woman he could find.

"Excuse me miss, I can't find my wife. Can I to talk to you?" He asked her.

She said "Sure, but how is that going to help finding your wife?"

I said "Trust me, as soon as we start talking, she will appear out of nowhere".

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A little boy is sitting on Santa's lap at the mall...

A little boy was sitting on Santa's lap in the mall and he told Santa, "I want a fuckin' skateboard under my bed, a fuckin' bike in the garage, and a fuckin' train-set under the tree."

Santa said, "OK," and went over to the little boy's parents. Santa told them, "If you really want to stop...

A man is walking through his local mall and notices a Mexican book store

He decides to go in because he has never seen a Mexican book store before. He browses through the store and finally asks the clerk, "Do you have the book on Donald Trump's foreign policies with Mexico?"

The clerk replies, "F*ck you, get out, stay out!" The man replies, "Yeah, that's the one!"

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My younger sister just got a job at the mall

It is her first job, and she's working as a salesperson at that lotion, soap, and candle place. I'm not going to name names, but you know it, over there in the mall, right next to that new smoothie place where they put chia seeds in all their smoothies. They are really good smoothies, but I digress....

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The old man and the elevator.

An old man from the country takes his family to town for the first time. They're at the mall and the mall has an elevator. Him and his son are watching this thing in amazement as they never saw one before and was not sure what it was. An older lady at least 80 with Gray hair in rollers and a walkin...

I punched the mall Santa Clause in the face

He called my daughter a 'ho'. 3 times!

Can you stop staring at my gf when she's breastfeeding at the mall????

When I'm thirsty I'm thirsty.

I went to the mall and you know those people that set up their little shops? Well, there is a dwarf in a little hut, and he tells fortunes. Come to find out he is a fugitive and wanted for some crimes.

I guess that makes him a small medium at large...

I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but I was outbid at the last minute. I guess the old saying is true:

You can't win a mall.

My crazy stepmom kept knocking on the mall's doors until the lockdown was over.

Unfortunately, she has now been released.

There's shop in the mall selling ice picks, knives, leather gloves, shovels, brass knuckles, ropes, and women's stockings

It was called "Accessories To The Crime"

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I saw two guys walking together with matching outfits at the mall, so I asked them if they were gay.

They arrested me.

I fell asleep at the mall today...

I was counting customers leaving the Apple store

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Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus

Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I want it put under the god damn Christmas tree. And Santa, I want a god damn new bike and I want it put ...

What do you call a shopping center for Sith lords?

A Darth mall.

Blind man walks into a shopping mall

Picks up his lead dog by the leash and starts spinning over his head.

Security: ah, sir, what are you doing?

Blind man: nothing, why? Just looking around.

My brother and I both went to the mall today.

We were both hanging around, having a nice time together. Then suddenly out of a blue, a guy came up to us, holding a lighter in his hand. He looked awfully fishy and he gave us a strange stare.


"Hey, boys. Ya mind if I ask ya a question?"


"What is it?" My brother asked, unper...

"My boyfriend was slept with by you!" I heard one girl shout at another in the mall.

"Your reputation will be ruined by this! YOU'RE GONNA BE KILLED BY ME!!"

"Why is she talking like that?" I asked my friend.

"Oh, don't mind her," he said. "She's just really passive aggressive."

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While shopping in a huge suburban mall, a man gets separated from his wife...

He starts wandering around looking in each shop, trying to locate her. As he's scanning the crowd he notices another guy who seems as lost as he is.

He asks the guy, "Are you lost, buddy?" The guy says, "Not really, I'm trying to find my wife."

"What a coincidence so am I. Let's swap w...

I met Darth Vader’s wife at the mall yesterday.

Nice gal, her names’s Ella.

A woman once hears a voice in her head.

One day a woman was walking on the street when she heard a voice in her head say,"You have only 5 years left to live.

The woman believes that she just heard the voice of God,warning her and decides to live the rest of her life as luxurious as she could. So she goes to the mall and buys the cl...

Husband and Wife are Christmas Shopping at a busy shopping mall just before Christmas.

The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on his cell.

The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."
He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond neckl...

What is the scientific name for a child's fear of sitting on Santa's lap at the mall?

Claustrophobia

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What do you call a creepy old guy who hangs out at malls, and has sex with under age teens?

In Alabama, your Honor, but soon it will be "Senator".

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One day a businessman

had to catch up to the airport, very urgently. It was rainy. Take a taxi right away
Driver asked him just before he was getting into the taxi;
"-What way?"
Businessman said;
"-I will go to the airport .. I am in a hurry"
Driver;
"-No .. I don't go short distance"

They had a ...

A penguin is having car trouble and stops at a mechanic that is across from the mall.

He drops it off at the mechanic's shop and goes to the mall to kill some time. He does does some shopping.

He stops in at the ice cream shop and returns to the mechanic’s shop.

The mechanic: "Looks like you blew a seal ..."

Penguin: "No, I just ate some ice cream."

A man and his wife are walking in a mall, and the man realizes that his wife has disappeared...

The man walks to a woman outside the nearest store and says, “I need to talk to you, I can’t find my wife”. The woman responds, “I’ll help you, but how is talking to me going to solve anything?”. The man replies, “my wife usually comes back when she sees me talking to strange women”.

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While walking through the mall I spotted the Islamic Book Store and I went in.

The clerk asked me, "can I help you?" I said, "yes, can you tell me where I can find Donald Trump's book on refugees?" He turned beet red and said, "eat shit, get the fuck out and stay out." I said, "yes, that's the one, now where is it located?"

I was walking in the mall and I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.

Unfortunately, I accidentally stepped on a dwarfs foot and he started screaming.

As I backed up in shock, he advanced on me and yelled “What the hell is your problem? I’m not happy!”

Looking down at him I asked “Well, then which one are you?”

What would Gandalf have said if The Lord of the Rings played in a supermarket instead of Middle-Earth?

One ring to rule the mall.

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A guy decided to see a prostitute for the first time in Vegas. (NSFW)

The man was recently divorced and just wanted some action. So he walked the streets and found the best looking hooker he could find and took her to his hotel room.

The guy asked the hooker for a hand job, and she said, “sure, that will be $500”

“$500 for a hand job? Are you insane”...

I was at the mall with my friend looking for a 'Learn to speak Spanish' book. [apologies in advance for what I hope is OC]

My friend speaks Spanish fluently and he is great with numbers so we were looking for cheap books when we came to the table that advertised, 5 books for the price of 3. I found the books we needed on another table and surprised when I saw the same offer.

"Oh Look, 5 for 3 too Juan."

[...

A mother-in-law arrives home from the mall...

A mother-in-law arrives home from the mall to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase..

"What happened?", she asks anxiously.

"What happened! I'll tell you what happened..
... I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my busine...

My friend Tom was breaking into a mall from the roof while Aiden was keeping watch. Aiden slipped and fell through a skylight into a large pile of sheets and pillow cases...

Now he's Aiden in bedding

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A man is at a mall and sees a Mexican book store.

Curious, he walks in to see the selection, and wonders if they have the book he's looking for. So he goes up to the shop owner and asks "do you have the latest book by Donald Trump?"

The shop owner states at him in confusion for a second and yells "Fuck you, get out and stay out!"

Man ...

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An Amish family went to the mall.

(The Amish don't usually go to the mall, but go with me.)

This family consisted of two parents and a son. The father and the son went by themselves to explore, leaving the mother to do whatever it was that she was doing.

The two men encountered an elevator. This was the first time eith...

Ladies and gentleman, Los Angeles has become the epicenter of this horrible disease. But if we work together with my new plan, we can make sure it doesn’t get worse.

So that’s why I’m calling on you, to stay home — if you want to. It’s good if you stay home, but you should go out to support local businesses, but safely at home unless you want to go.

And if you want to go to the mall: don’t, but you can, but you shouldn’t, but you won’t, but if you work at...

A man walks up to the information desk at a mall and says, “I seem to have lost my kids. Can I make an announcement on the PA system?”

Mall guy: Oh sure.

Man, grabbing the mike: I’m vegan.

She used to sell sea shells by the sea shore, until they turned the shore into a shopping mall. Now...

She sells shoe soles by the shoe store.

Trying to make up for bad behavior, I went to the shopping mall to buy my wife a gift.

“I’d like to buy some gloves for my wife,” I say eyeing the attractive sales girl, “but I don’t know her size.”
“Will this help?” she asked sweetly, placing her hands in the gloves.
“Oh, yes,” I answered. “Her hands are just slightly smaller than yours.”
“Will there be anything else?” the ...

A man picks up a phone in the mall...

A man picks up and answers a phone in a mall. A woman is on the other end.
"Hello darling" she says," I recently saw a necklace in a catalog and I want it, so do you mind if i use your credit card?"
"How expensive is it?" the man says.
"Just $1200."
"That cheap? Hell, get four of them f...

A man was looking for a space to park his car in the parking lot of a mall...

After a lot of effort of going round and round he couldn't find an empty space so he started praying, please God help me find a parking space, I will go to church everyday for the rest of my life and would even give half of my life savings to charity..

Suddenly he sees a car pulling out of a ...

The mall Santa had many children asking for electric trains.

“If you get a train,” he tells each one, “you know your dad is going to want to play with it too. Is that okay?” After he asks that question of little Tommy, the boy becomes very quiet. Trying to move the conversation along, Santa asks what else he would like Santa to bring him. The boy promptly rep...

I met a new friend at the mall recently. He said to me , "I'm a man of few words."

And I replied, "Yeah, I'm married too."

If you're a teenage girl and you need to visit the mall to get supplies for art class, just say so.

Don't turn to your dad as you leave the house and say "I'm going to the mall to get felt."

As i walk in the local shopping mall, a woman comes walking towards me

She asks me: "sir, do you have a moment for animal abuse?" As the good man I am, I say: "of course, madam." So i walked to the nearest dog and kicked it like a football. Apparently that was not what she meant...

Did you here about the fight on the stairs at the shopping mall?

Apparently it escalated quickly.

I was walking outside of the Microsoft Store at the mall tonight when my wife asked if I wanted to go in and look at anything.

I told her “No, I’m just Windows shopping.”

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Alexa, I am feeling that I want to have sex.

Alexa :
Most certainly... Don't worry. I am dimming the lights. Setting your AC to 22 C degrees.

The Viagra is kept on the top right shelf of your wardrobe. The gel is kept next to it.

I have hired your favorite Thai masseuse. She is just 12 minutes away as per her Uber ride status....

A mall owner was speaking to the manager about the Santa Claus hiring for the Christmas holidays.

Owner: So how have the interviews been going? Any good candidates?

Manager: Well there was this one guy today. He was a fat guy, with rosy red cheeks and sporting a large sac. He had the furry cuffs, and a leather belt.

Owner: He sounds like the real deal!

Manager: Actually he h...

A thief stole a leaky tin of paint and is well hidden in the mall...

The police found him by following the blueprints.

Hey girl, are you a shopping mall?

Because I wouldn't mind spending way too much time and money inside of you!

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You're at the mall when a security guard comes up to you.

He (falsely) suspects you of attempted shoplifting.

You try to explain to him that you're not, but he thinks you're getting aggressive and trying to resist arrest.

He pulls out his taser.

What happens next may shock you...

A kid sees Santa at a mall

and says: give me a brother

Santa: give me your mother!

A southern baptist and her two daughters are shopping at the mall, when suddenly, the three are separated

In hopes of finding her children, she talked to the employee at the Customer Service kiosk


Southern Baptist Woman: I'm looking for my daughters, have you seen them?







Kiosk Worker: I can't say I have. May I have their names, please?






...

At the mall today I saw a toddler gnawing on a small rubber duck.

I asked him if it tasted like quackers.

Someone was handing out certificates for a free Karate Lesson at the mall yesterday

He told me I could only Taek Won Do

Arnold Schwarzenegger opens his own shopping mall. A customer left her purse on the counter after a purchase. Seeing the customer is nearing the exit of the mall, Arnold handed the purse to the nearest cashier.

"GET TO THE SHOPPER, NOW!"

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An elderly man goes to a shopping mall...

... And decides to sit down for a while in the food court. A few moments pass by and a young man sits a few tables away from him. This young man has a mohawk taller than half of his body and dyed every color of the rainbow. The old man begins staring at the young man and eventually the latter gets a...

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a Golf club.

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf club.

After a round, showering and getting changed for the 19th hole.

Suddenly a mobile phone on one of the benches rings.

One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

(H – Husband, W ...

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Dining at the Mall.....

I took my Dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours - green, red, orange, and blue.

My Dad k...

A Jewish kid wants to go to the mall...

and asks his dad for forty dollars.

"Thirty dollars?" he replies. "What do you need twenty dollars for?"

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Mr. Tilley is running a Christian book store in a strip mall. [Long]

And business is good. The community has been growing, both in economy and spirit, with community centers and parks, factories and research laboratories. A true mecca of modern civilization. Mr. Tilley knows everyone in town, and everyone knows him. When anyone sees him, they smile, wave, and say "Bl...

Just punched an old bearded fat guy at the mall..

I passed infront of him and he happily looked at me and called me a "Ho" 3 times.

So rude!

So, a blonde and a brunette are at the mall...

and they see this really good looking guy. Being very outgoing girls they strike up a conversation. After they part ways, the blonde noticed that he had really bad dandruff.
"Yeah, we should give him Head & Shoulders." To which the blonde replies, "How do you give shoulders?"

I was walking through the mall and I saw a Muslim bookstore.

I was curious to what was actually in a Muslim bookstore so I went in.

As I walked around I saw the salesman give me the stink eye, but asked if he could help me.

I knew I probably wasn't his usual clientele, so I asked "Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigratio...

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A grandfather and grandson go to a shopping mall...

All of a sudden the grandson turns around and looks around and realizes he can't find his grandpa. A security guard comes up to this little boy and asks...
"Can I help you boy?"
The little boy reply's "I cant find my grandpa!"
So then the security guard asks "Well, whats his name?"
"Um...

Why did the mall Santa get an erection?

He only come once a year.

I left my dog at the mall...

Oh Shih-Tzu

While at the mall today I discovered there is an elevator company called Schindler...

So while us American's would call it Schindler's elevator,

...

a Brit would call it Schindler's lift.

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an old man is at the mall with his daughter

An old man is at the mall with his daughter. he starts to get hungry after a while of walking around he asks his daughter if they can sit down to eat. they go to the food court they get their food sit down and start eating. the old man looks across the way and sees a girl with tattoos piercings and ...

I took my grandfather to the mall the other day

While circling the lot trying to find a place to park, he said out of nowhere "These spots are like the women my age"
I looked at him blankly.
"They're all taken or handicapped!"

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Do you ever wonder why large buildings like malls and hospitals only buy 1 ply toilet paper?

Prices matter when you buy it by the shit load

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Be safe

Guys Be careful!!!

Over the last month, my friend Lalit became a victim of a clever scam while at an Pantaloons shopping mall. Don't think it couldn't happen to you.

Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 20+ year girls come over to your car as you are loading your v...

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