A guy could not find his wife at the mall. He approaches the hottest woman he could find.

"Excuse me miss, I can't find my wife. Can I to talk to you?" He asked her.

She said "Sure, but how is that going to help finding your wife?"

I said "Trust me, as soon as we start talking, she will appear out of nowhere".

"My boyfriend was slept with by you!" I heard one girl shout at another in the mall.

"Your reputation will be ruined by this! YOU'RE GONNA BE KILLED BY ME!!"

"Why is she talking like that?" I asked my friend.

"Oh, don't mind her," he said. "She's just really passive aggressive."

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While shopping in a huge suburban mall, a man gets separated from his wife...

He starts wandering around looking in each shop, trying to locate her. As he's scanning the crowd he notices another guy who seems as lost as he is.

He asks the guy, "Are you lost, buddy?" The guy says, "Not really, I'm trying to find my wife."

"What a coincidence so am I. Let's swap w...

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An Amish boy and his father are visiting a nearby mall. They are amazed by almost everything they see, but especially by two shiny silver walls that move apart and back together again by themselves.

The lad asks, “What is this, father?”



The father, having never seen an elevator, responds, “I have no idea what it is.”



While the boy and his father are watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolls up to the moving walls and presses a button. The walls open and...

My brother and I both went to the mall today.

We were both hanging around, having a nice time together. Then suddenly out of a blue, a guy came up to us, holding a lighter in his hand. He looked awfully fishy and he gave us a strange stare.


"Hey, boys. Ya mind if I ask ya a question?"


"What is it?" My brother asked, unper...

You ever notice that all Dillards are basically the same and only exist in malls? You know what they say though...

...when you've seen one Dillards, you've seen a mall.

Today my son threw a quarter in the well at the mall and said "I wish my dad was dead." And because of his attitide we went home without buying anything.

When we got to our house we saw an ambulance and the coroner at Jim's house, apparently he had a freak heart attack about thirty minutes before hand, it was odd because he was a personal trainer and in great shape, my wife seemed real upset by his passing. Though it was strange because I've never ev...

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An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two, shiny silver walls that could
move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"


The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never
seen anything like t...

A man and his wife are walking in a mall, and the man realizes that his wife has disappeared...

The man walks to a woman outside the nearest store and says, “I need to talk to you, I can’t find my wife”. The woman responds, “I’ll help you, but how is talking to me going to solve anything?”. The man replies, “my wife usually comes back when she sees me talking to strange women”.

She used to sell sea shells by the sea shore, until they turned the shore into a shopping mall. Now...

She sells shoe soles by the shoe store.

I once lost a raffle where the prize was the entire mall of Georgia.

I guess you can't win a mall.

A man is walking through his local mall and notices a Mexican book store.

He decides to go in because he has never seen a Mexican book store before. He browses through the store and finally asks the clerk, "Do you have the book on Donald Trump's foreign policies with Mexico?"

The clerk replies, "F*ck you, get out, stay out!" The man replies, "Yeah, that's the one!"

Nothing annoys me more than people who don’t know how to walk in crowded places like the mall.

Their wheelchairs always get in the way.

My boss tried to fire me for using my paid Christmas vacation to work as a mall Santa

Apparently my contract had a Santa clause

Trying to make up for bad behavior, I went to the shopping mall to buy my wife a gift.

“I’d like to buy some gloves for my wife,” I say eyeing the attractive sales girl, “but I don’t know her size.”
“Will this help?” she asked sweetly, placing her hands in the gloves.
“Oh, yes,” I answered. “Her hands are just slightly smaller than yours.”
“Will there be anything else?” the ...

A man was looking for a space to park his car in the parking lot of a mall...

After a lot of effort of going round and round he couldn't find an empty space so he started praying, please God help me find a parking space, I will go to church everyday for the rest of my life and would even give half of my life savings to charity..

Suddenly he sees a car pulling out of a ...

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A man is at a mall and sees a Mexican book store.

Curious, he walks in to see the selection, and wonders if they have the book he's looking for. So he goes up to the shop owner and asks "do you have the latest book by Donald Trump?"

The shop owner states at him in confusion for a second and yells "Fuck you, get out and stay out!"

Man ...

I met a new friend at the mall recently. He said to me , "I'm a man of few words."

And I replied, "Yeah, I'm married too."

If you're a teenage girl and you need to visit the mall to get supplies for art class, just say so.

Don't turn to your dad as you leave the house and say "I'm going to the mall to get felt."

Where do judges eat when they go to the mall?

The food court

The mall Santa had many children asking for electric trains.

“If you get a train,” he tells each one, “you know your dad is going to want to play with it too. Is that okay?” After he asks that question of little Tommy, the boy becomes very quiet. Trying to move the conversation along, Santa asks what else he would like Santa to bring him. The boy promptly rep...

A thief stole a leaky tin of paint and is well hidden in the mall...

The police found him by following the blueprints.

I came across my friend who was working as a mall santa

I had to help him wipe it off before his shift started.

A mall owner was speaking to the manager about the Santa Claus hiring for the Christmas holidays.

Owner: So how have the interviews been going? Any good candidates?

Manager: Well there was this one guy today. He was a fat guy, with rosy red cheeks and sporting a large sac. He had the furry cuffs, and a leather belt.

Owner: He sounds like the real deal!

Manager: Actually he h...

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What do you call a creepy old guy who hangs out at malls, and has sex with under age teens?

In Alabama, your Honor, but soon it will be "Senator".

A man walks up to the information desk at a mall and says, “I seem to have lost my kids. Can I make an announcement on the PA system?”

Mall guy: Oh sure.

Man, grabbing the mike: I’m vegan.

A mother-in-law arrives home from the mall...

A mother-in-law arrives home from the mall to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase..

"What happened?", she asks anxiously.

"What happened! I'll tell you what happened..
... I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my busine...

I was walking outside of the Microsoft Store at the mall tonight when my wife asked if I wanted to go in and look at anything.

I told her “No, I’m just Windows shopping.”

Where do Sith lords go to do their shopping?

The Darth Mall


May the 4th be with you

Why is it called the mall?

Because instead of shopping at one store, you are shopping at them-all

My girlfriend told me this joke ten years ago. We've been married nine years today.

A penguin is driving to the mall when all of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood. Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to i...

You're at the mall when a security guard comes up to you.

He (falsely) suspects you of attempted shoplifting.

You try to explain to him that you're not, but he thinks you're getting aggressive and trying to resist arrest.

He pulls out his taser.

What happens next may shock you...

At the mall today I saw a toddler gnawing on a small rubber duck.

I asked him if it tasted like quackers.

How do people lose their kids at the mall?

Seriously, any tips would be greatly appreciated...

The Perfect Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"


WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"


MAN: "Yes."
...

Did you here about the fight on the stairs at the shopping mall?

Apparently it escalated quickly.

A man picks up a phone in the mall...

A man picks up and answers a phone in a mall. A woman is on the other end.
"Hello darling" she says," I recently saw a necklace in a catalog and I want it, so do you mind if i use your credit card?"
"How expensive is it?" the man says.
"Just $1200."
"That cheap? Hell, get four of them f...

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While walking through the mall I spotted the Islamic Book Store and I went in.

The clerk asked me, "can I help you?" I said, "yes, can you tell me where I can find Donald Trump's book on refugees?" He turned beet red and said, "eat shit, get the fuck out and stay out." I said, "yes, that's the one, now where is it located?"

Trump: "Hows that Mexican mall going?"

"Mall? We thought you said wall"

Trump: "No way that's harsh, also hows that Muslim band looking?"

A southern baptist and her two daughters are shopping at the mall, when suddenly, the three are separated

In hopes of finding her children, she talked to the employee at the Customer Service kiosk


Southern Baptist Woman: I'm looking for my daughters, have you seen them?







Kiosk Worker: I can't say I have. May I have their names, please?






...

I'm bored

Think I will go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car with my reverse lights on.

As i walk in the local shopping mall, a woman comes walking towards me

She asks me: "sir, do you have a moment for animal abuse?" As the good man I am, I say: "of course, madam." So i walked to the nearest dog and kicked it like a football. Apparently that was not what she meant...

A kid sees Santa at a mall

and says: give me a brother

Santa: give me your mother!

Hey girl, are you a shopping mall?

Because I wouldn't mind spending way too much time and money inside of you!

I was at the mall with my friend looking for a 'Learn to speak Spanish' book. [apologies in advance for what I hope is OC]

My friend speaks Spanish fluently and he is great with numbers so we were looking for cheap books when we came to the table that advertised, 5 books for the price of 3. I found the books we needed on another table and surprised when I saw the same offer.

"Oh Look, 5 for 3 too Juan."

[...

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Do you ever wonder why large buildings like malls and hospitals only buy 1 ply toilet paper?

Prices matter when you buy it by the shit load

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A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Jack Daniels and women with big tits.

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Mr. Tilley is running a Christian book store in a strip mall. [Long]

And business is good. The community has been growing, both in economy and spirit, with community centers and parks, factories and research laboratories. A true mecca of modern civilization. Mr. Tilley knows everyone in town, and everyone knows him. When anyone sees him, they smile, wave, and say "Bl...

Arnold Schwarzenegger opens his own shopping mall. A customer left her purse on the counter after a purchase. Seeing the customer is nearing the exit of the mall, Arnold handed the purse to the nearest cashier.

"GET TO THE SHOPPER, NOW!"

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Seventy-five-year-old Marvin goes to the local mall and tries to find a gift for his wife for Valentine's Day.

Upon passing a lingerie store, Marvin realizes that his wife has never bought any lingerie in her life. He gets the idea to buy his wife something sexy to make her feel good and young.

Marvin goes into the store and tells the clerk to wrap up the most expensive, sheerest negligee she has. M...

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What made Sean Connery give up being a Mall Santa so fast?

He started off by saying "Shit on my lap, laddy"

Just punched an old bearded fat guy at the mall..

I passed infront of him and he happily looked at me and called me a "Ho" 3 times.

So rude!

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An elderly man goes to a shopping mall...

... And decides to sit down for a while in the food court. A few moments pass by and a young man sits a few tables away from him. This young man has a mohawk taller than half of his body and dyed every color of the rainbow. The old man begins staring at the young man and eventually the latter gets a...

Someone was handing out certificates for a free Karate Lesson at the mall yesterday

He told me I could only Taek Won Do

I was walking through the mall and I saw a Muslim bookstore.

I was curious to what was actually in a Muslim bookstore so I went in.

As I walked around I saw the salesman give me the stink eye, but asked if he could help me.

I knew I probably wasn't his usual clientele, so I asked "Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigratio...

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A country family goes to a mall for the first time..

The mother goes to shop while the father and his son look around. They stop by two shiny metal doors with buttons on a wall nearby. An old overweight woman in a wheelchair wheels up and pushes a button. The doors open into a small room. The woman wheels herself into it and pushes a button. The doors...

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an old man is at the mall with his daughter

An old man is at the mall with his daughter. he starts to get hungry after a while of walking around he asks his daughter if they can sit down to eat. they go to the food court they get their food sit down and start eating. the old man looks across the way and sees a girl with tattoos piercings and ...

I could tell my girlfriend was cheating on me when she said she was at the mall with her BFF Jill

...when Jill was lying beside me this whole time. Smh

The power went out at a mall in Arkansas once.

People were stuck on the escalator for hours.

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Dining at the Mall.....

I took my Dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours - green, red, orange, and blue.

My Dad k...

A couple were Christmas shopping at the Mall on Christmas Eve and the Mall was packed.

Walking through the Mall, the surprised wife looked up and noticed her husband was nowhere to be found and she was very upset because they had a lot to do.

She used her mobile to call her husband because she was so upset, to ask him where he was. The husband, in a calm voice, said, "Honey, do...

I GOT A FREE FOUNTAIN DRINK AT THE MALL TODAY!!

But all the pennies in the water gave it a bad taste.

A Jewish kid wants to go to the mall...

and asks his dad for forty dollars.

"Thirty dollars?" he replies. "What do you need twenty dollars for?"

I took my grandfather to the mall the other day

While circling the lot trying to find a place to park, he said out of nowhere "These spots are like the women my age"
I looked at him blankly.
"They're all taken or handicapped!"

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NSFW In honor of my Father, his favorite joke of all time. No one could tell it like he did.

Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus.

Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I...

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A grandfather and grandson go to a shopping mall...

All of a sudden the grandson turns around and looks around and realizes he can't find his grandpa. A security guard comes up to this little boy and asks...
"Can I help you boy?"
The little boy reply's "I cant find my grandpa!"
So then the security guard asks "Well, whats his name?"
"Um...

A guy is lost in the mall and start shouting for his wife.

Alice! Alice!, suddenly he hears another voice shouting the same name Alice!! Alice!, he turns and looks at him and shouts HEY! is your wife named Alice too? No but I guess since shes banging a guy like you I got a shot. Alice!

So, a blonde and a brunette are at the mall...

and they see this really good looking guy. Being very outgoing girls they strike up a conversation. After they part ways, the blonde noticed that he had really bad dandruff.
"Yeah, we should give him Head & Shoulders." To which the blonde replies, "How do you give shoulders?"

A woman goes out with her husband to a shopping mall.

She sees one store and goes "hon, that dress looks fabulous, would you buy it for me?"

The man replies. "Are you crazy? The dress looks great on the mannequin, but would look awful on you because you're fat, like a washing machine."

They keep going and the wife says "Look at that blous...

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A toothbrush salesman at the mall

A toothbrush salesman is tasked with selling his product at the mall.
So he sets up a small kiosk by the escalator with a bag of chips and cup of dip.
A man and his wife walk up and the wife eats a chip and remarks about how good it is.
The salesman says "you really must try the dip"
And...

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A man goes away from his wife on business...

A man goes away from his wife for work. He has to be gone for 5 days. By the second day the man is super horny so he decides to find a hooker. On this one corner close by he sees this beautiful blonde. Nice ass huge boobs, just the perfect blonde.

He walks up to her and says hey babe how muc...

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf club

After a round, showering and getting changed for the 19th hole.

Suddenly a mobile phone on one of the benches rings.

One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues: (H – Husband, W – Wife)

H – “Hello?”

W – “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
...

A Woman Goes to the Mall

She's walking through a high-end department store and sees a sign for free makeovers.

The young lady doing makeovers sees her and signals that the chair is open.

"Come on and have a seat!"

The woman sits down and marvels at all the products. The young lady lines her up and takes...

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Adam and his cousin Billie went out to the mall together.

While they were in the mall, they both ran into a cute girl named Jean. Both of them talked a bit to her, and both ended up with her number.

Billie and Jean became good friends, and he even had a crush on her. However, his cousin Adam had her as a fuck buddy which Billie was unaware of.
...

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Old Men Scam

>**Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc.  This is the first warning I have seen for men.  I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.  A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Sam’s ...

Frodo collected the keys to Macy's, JCPenney, McDonald's, etc. and put them on a single key ring

It was one ring to rule the mall.

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A teenager was stabbed to death in a shopping mall over a stolen pair of trainers.

Those security guards don't fuck about.

New clothing store seen at local Mall named 'Off Topic'.

Apparently it's aimed at edgy teens with ADHD.

Mall Santa

A Mall Santa is asking kids what they want for Christmas.

A little girl says, "I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe."

Santa replies, "Doesn't Barbie come with Ken?"

"No silly. Barbie comes with G.I. Joe. She's only faking it with Ken."

The thing I don't like about shopping centers

When you see one, you've seen a mall

What time do philosophers like to visit the shopping mall?

At the Schopenhauer.

When you go to Washington DC, you can’t just see one monument

You have to see the Mall.

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