UPJOKE
shopping mallplazashopstrip mallcenterdowntownshoppingstorefood courtbookstoresupermarketstorefrontgrocerybuildingretail store

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A fifteen-year-old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in ...

Why should you never punch a mall Santa?

Idk, security wouldn’t tell me

I saw my girlfriend with another guy at the mall. I was about to confront them but I managed to calm myself down.

That wouldn’t be a good example to set in front of my wife and kids.

I’ve been called a pervert. I’ve been banned from the mall. I’ve even gotten a few restraining orders, but I won’t let that stop me.

Come hell or high water, I’m gonna figure out Victoria’s Secret.

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A man is walking through his local mall and notices a Mexican book store. He decides to go in, because he has never seen one before.

He browses through the store and finally asks the clerk, "Do you have the book on Donald Trump's foreign policies with Mexico?"

The clerk replies, "Fuck you, get out, stay out!"

The man replies, "Yeah, that's the one."

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Amish man and his son go to a big shopping mall for the first time

They're staring in wonder at all of the shiny big buildings and the massive panes of glass when the two come across two big shiny metal doors.

"What is it, dad?" asked the son.

"I have no idea." replied the father. I have never seen anything like this in all my life.

They watch...

An Amish man and his son are at a mall.

They're taken aback as they look around. The son points to an elevator and asks his father, "What is that?" The man says, "I don't know, son, but let's watch." An old, fat woman gets on and the metal doors slide shut. A few moments later the doors slide open and a gorgeous young blonde gets off....

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Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus.

Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I want it put under the god damn Christmas tree. And Santa, I want a god damn new bike and I want it put ...

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This guy goes to Vegas

The first night he meets this gorgeous hooker
And asks “how much for a handjob?”

$250 - wow that’s too much … The hooker says see that small shopping mall across the street ? I own it…
The guy was impressed and agreed and she gives him the best handjob he’s ever had…

The next nig...

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My small grandson got lost in the shopping mall....

He approached a uniformed security guard and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"
The guard asked, "What's his name?"
"Papa"
The guard smiles then asked, "What's he like?"
The boy hesitated for a moment then replies,
"Single malt Scotch whisky and women with big tits...

Why do strip malls love renting space to Chinese restaurants?

Because they’re lo mein tenants.

A couple of blondes got lost at the mall.

So, they go to the map, where they see a red arrow that says, "YOU ARE HERE."

One of the blondes looks at the others and says, "Wow! How do they know that?"

Saw two hipsters at the mall today who got really upset when I called 'em that.

Apparently, the correct term is "conjoined twins".

I met a girl crying outside a mall.

I asked her what's wrong, she said she lost 200$. So I gave her 40$ from the 200$ I picked up at the entrance.
When god blesses you, you must bless others.

Once you’ve seen a thousand stores under one roof…

You’ve seen theMall

Did you hear Elon Musk opened a storefront down at the mall?

"Space for Rent"

A penguin is driving to the mall...

All of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood. Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to it for a couple hours. The penguin says f...

A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed.

As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.

In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you rem...

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New shoes for dad

I took my dad to the mall the other day to get him new shoes (he is 66).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him... the teenager had spiked hair in all different colors — blue, red, green, and orange.

My dad kept sta...

my friend and i walked around the mall the other day.

Although it's a shame we didn't go in.

An atheist comes into a mall

And there is no parking spot, so he says "God, if you give me parking spot, I will convert myself and become Christian".

Two minutes later he says "Nevermind I found one"

Ralph is driving home one evening, when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present. He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store, and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?

In a condescending manner, she says, "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00." Ralph asks...

It's almost Halloween

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "You can tell its getting closer to Halloween," the guy tells the bartender. "Just today I saw a gal dressed up like Snow White working in the shoe store down in the local shopping center .... She was the fairest of the mall."

Bills

A one dollar bill met a 20 dollar bill and said, Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much. The twenty answered, I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball games, to the ...

Back from business trip.

A mother-in-law arrives home from the mall to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase..

"What happened?", she asks anxiously.

"What happened! I'll tell you what happened..
... I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my busine...

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.....

A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leath...

Prince Charles decides to visit Perth

The future King has not been getting a great reception in the United Kingdom so decides to go somewhere more remote. Not long after his arrival in Perth, he is walking down the Hay Street Mall with an interesting choice of head wear. A Davy Crocket style hat, real fox fur with the tail at the back, ...

Why does everyone hate the shopping mall that only has a store that stocks a single handbag for women?

Because it's a one purse center.

An Amish family goes to a mall for the first time

And of course they are overwhelmed. The man stands in front of an elevator, puzzled what this contraption may be. He watches a very heavyset woman enter it, the doors close and the elevator goes up, and as it returns, a young, beautiful woman emerges.

"What is that, Pa?", little Joshua wants...

How do people lose their kids in the mall......?

Seriously, any tips would be greatly appreciated.

Why is it called “The Mall”

Because instead of going to one store, you’re going to “Them all”

The Actor that plays Pennywise has a security detail comprised entirely of disfigured war vets who maim mall security

Skaarsgards scarred guards scars guards

Glasses to see people naked

Good ol' Joe buys a pair of cheap Chinese "infrared" glasses online despite many warnings from his buddy Jeff

He wears them to office in the morning and sees everyone naked.

He takes them off and everyone has their clothes on.

In the evening, he wears them to the mall and see...

Did you hear about the architect who had an unhealthy obsession with designing overly intricate shopping malls?

He had a complex complex complex.

Pirates get some crazy deals in the mall.

For example, they can get piercings for just a buccaneer.

I saw a sign at the mall that said "wet floor"

So I did

A guy could not find his wife at the mall. He approaches the hottest woman he could find.

"Excuse me miss, I can't find my wife. Can I to talk to you?" He asked her.

She said "Sure, but how is that going to help finding your wife?"

I said "Trust me, as soon as we start talking, she will appear out of nowhere".

Why was the shopping center’s father ashamed?

He didn’t raise his daughter to be a strip-mall!

They’re having a great sale in person at the mall for Black Friday

Everything is buy one, get achoo free

Where do people go to argue in the mall?

They don't. No one goes to malls anymore, but they used to go to the Feud Court.

Little John is walking at the mall with his grandma.

He sees a coin of 1 euro. He asks his grandma: can I pick that up?
His grandma answers: no, no, everything that’s on the ground is dirty.

They walk further and he sees a note of 5 euro. He asks his grandma: can I pick that up?
His grandma answers: no, no, everything that’s on the gro...

An Amish family visits a mall...

...the mother strolls along an aisle and experience modern life. The dad and the son, however, encounters an elevator.
"What is that, father?", the son asked.
"I don't know either, my son", replied the father, "Let's see what they use it for".
They then see an ugly, fat woman trudge into th...

Where do the Sith go to do their shopping?

The Darth Mall

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A little boy is sitting on Santa's lap at the mall...

A little boy was sitting on Santa's lap in the mall and he told Santa, "I want a fuckin' skateboard under my bed, a fuckin' bike in the garage, and a fuckin' train-set under the tree."

Santa said, "OK," and went over to the little boy's parents. Santa told them, "If you really want to stop...

Redneck

Having grown up in a small Alabama town, my friend James couldn’t wait to tell us all about life in California, where he was stationed.

"The malls are massive, and the restaurants are great," he said. Then he grinned. "I even went to a topless bar."

"Really?" said his mother, surprised...

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My younger sister just got a job at the mall

It is her first job, and she's working as a salesperson at that lotion, soap, and candle place. I'm not going to name names, but you know it, over there in the mall, right next to that new smoothie place where they put chia seeds in all their smoothies. They are really good smoothies, but I digress....

An Irishman was flustered because he couldn't find a parking space in a large mall's parking lot.

"Lord," he prayed. "I can't stand this! If you open up a space for me, I swear I'll give up drinking whiskey, and I promise to go to church every Sunday."

The clouds parted, sun shining on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the Irishman said, "Nevermind, found one!"

I punched the mall Santa Clause in the face

He called my daughter a 'ho'. 3 times!

"My boyfriend was slept with by you!" I heard one girl shout at another in the mall.

"Your reputation will be ruined by this! YOU'RE GONNA BE KILLED BY ME!!"

"Why is she talking like that?" I asked my friend.

"Oh, don't mind her," he said. "She's just really passive aggressive."

My brother and I both went to the mall today.

We were both hanging around, having a nice time together. Then suddenly out of a blue, a guy came up to us, holding a lighter in his hand. He looked awfully fishy and he gave us a strange stare.


"Hey, boys. Ya mind if I ask ya a question?"


"What is it?" My brother asked, unper...

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What do you call a creepy old guy who hangs out at malls, and has sex with under age teens?

In Alabama, your Honor, but soon it will be "Senator".

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While shopping in a huge suburban mall, a man gets separated from his wife...

He starts wandering around looking in each shop, trying to locate her. As he's scanning the crowd he notices another guy who seems as lost as he is.

He asks the guy, "Are you lost, buddy?" The guy says, "Not really, I'm trying to find my wife."

"What a coincidence so am I. Let's swap w...

There's shop in the mall selling ice picks, knives, leather gloves, shovels, brass knuckles, ropes, and women's stockings

It was called "Accessories To The Crime"

My thoughts on zodiac signs

Like I don’t mind them in general, but I hate it when people bring them up all the time.


So this one time I called my friend and asked him if he wanted to go to the mall with me.


He said, “No dude, I can’t, I have cancer.”

Can you stop staring at my gf when she's breastfeeding at the mall????

When I'm thirsty I'm thirsty.

I went to the mall and you know those people that set up their little shops? Well, there is a dwarf in a little hut, and he tells fortunes. Come to find out he is a fugitive and wanted for some crimes.

I guess that makes him a small medium at large...

I met Darth Vader’s wife at the mall yesterday.

Nice gal, her names’s Ella.

Man was having a drink in the pub when the phone rang

he reached the pocket and answered, the wife asked him : "sweetheart, I'm going to the mall and I just took 1000 dollars from your desk, is that okay ?"

"absolutely", he answers, "treat yourself"

"thank you, but can I take 500 dollars more ?, my friend suggested me ...

I was at the mall with my friend looking for a 'Learn to speak Spanish' book. [apologies in advance for what I hope is OC]

My friend speaks Spanish fluently and he is great with numbers so we were looking for cheap books when we came to the table that advertised, 5 books for the price of 3. I found the books we needed on another table and surprised when I saw the same offer.

"Oh Look, 5 for 3 too Juan."

[...

I fell asleep at the mall today...

I was counting customers leaving the Apple store

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Shakespeare joke

(Disclaimer: This one isn't original, but I don't think I've seen it here)

Little Johnny is at the mall with his mom. He sees a man with bow legs and points to him and says "Mom, what's wrong with that man's legs?" She's horrified and tells him, "Johnny, that's rude, you should never point...

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While walking through the mall I spotted the Islamic Book Store and I went in.

The clerk asked me, "can I help you?" I said, "yes, can you tell me where I can find Donald Trump's book on refugees?" He turned beet red and said, "eat shit, get the fuck out and stay out." I said, "yes, that's the one, now where is it located?"

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I saw two guys walking together with matching outfits at the mall, so I asked them if they were gay.

They arrested me.

My crazy stepmom kept knocking on the mall's doors until the lockdown was over.

Unfortunately, she has now been released.

Blind man walks into a shopping mall

Picks up his lead dog by the leash and starts spinning over his head.

Security: ah, sir, what are you doing?

Blind man: nothing, why? Just looking around.

What is the scientific name for a child's fear of sitting on Santa's lap at the mall?

Claustrophobia

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A man needs a Christmas gift for his new girlfriend. . .

A guy decides to buy his new girlfriend a pair of gloves for Christmas. After all, they’ve only been dating for three weeks so it seems like the ideal gift – romantic, yet not too personal.

He asks the girlfriend’s younger sister to accompany him to buy them then she can point out a pair she’...

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What do the British sing when they visit a shopping mall in Amsterdam

How much is that pussy in the window....

A man and his wife are walking in a mall, and the man realizes that his wife has disappeared...

The man walks to a woman outside the nearest store and says, “I need to talk to you, I can’t find my wife”. The woman responds, “I’ll help you, but how is talking to me going to solve anything?”. The man replies, “my wife usually comes back when she sees me talking to strange women”.

You ever notice that all Dillards are basically the same and only exist in malls? You know what they say though...

...when you've seen one Dillards, you've seen a mall.

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So my wife was complaining to me about how little men listen to women.

I told her that I could prove even random men listened to her better than women. Sure that her opinion would prevail, she happily went with me to the mall where we could find the most people.



After asking a question to 5 men and 5 women, all of the men answered immediately. All of th...

A penguin is having car trouble and stops at a mechanic that is across from the mall.

He drops it off at the mechanic's shop and goes to the mall to kill some time. He does does some shopping.

He stops in at the ice cream shop and returns to the mechanic’s shop.

The mechanic: "Looks like you blew a seal ..."

Penguin: "No, I just ate some ice cream."

A man walks up to the information desk at a mall and says, “I seem to have lost my kids. Can I make an announcement on the PA system?”

Mall guy: Oh sure.

Man, grabbing the mike: I’m vegan.

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A man is at a mall and sees a Mexican book store.

Curious, he walks in to see the selection, and wonders if they have the book he's looking for. So he goes up to the shop owner and asks "do you have the latest book by Donald Trump?"

The shop owner states at him in confusion for a second and yells "Fuck you, get out and stay out!"

Man ...

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New shoes

A young sexy woman went to the mall with her husband and spotted a pair of designer pumps in the window of an upscale shoe store and began staring, imagining how sexy she'd look wearing them…
The husband looked over and saw her and interrupted, "No fucking chance love, they're way too expensive! ...

I was walking in the mall and I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.

Unfortunately, I accidentally stepped on a dwarfs foot and he started screaming.

As I backed up in shock, he advanced on me and yelled “What the hell is your problem? I’m not happy!”

Looking down at him I asked “Well, then which one are you?”

As i walk in the local shopping mall, a woman comes walking towards me

She asks me: "sir, do you have a moment for animal abuse?" As the good man I am, I say: "of course, madam." So i walked to the nearest dog and kicked it like a football. Apparently that was not what she meant...

Trying to make up for bad behavior, I went to the shopping mall to buy my wife a gift.

“I’d like to buy some gloves for my wife,” I say eyeing the attractive sales girl, “but I don’t know her size.”
“Will this help?” she asked sweetly, placing her hands in the gloves.
“Oh, yes,” I answered. “Her hands are just slightly smaller than yours.”
“Will there be anything else?” the ...

A man picks up a phone in the mall...

A man picks up and answers a phone in a mall. A woman is on the other end.
"Hello darling" she says," I recently saw a necklace in a catalog and I want it, so do you mind if i use your credit card?"
"How expensive is it?" the man says.
"Just $1200."
"That cheap? Hell, get four of them f...

A man was looking for a space to park his car in the parking lot of a mall...

After a lot of effort of going round and round he couldn't find an empty space so he started praying, please God help me find a parking space, I will go to church everyday for the rest of my life and would even give half of my life savings to charity..

Suddenly he sees a car pulling out of a ...

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An Amish family went to the mall.

(The Amish don't usually go to the mall, but go with me.)

This family consisted of two parents and a son. The father and the son went by themselves to explore, leaving the mother to do whatever it was that she was doing.

The two men encountered an elevator. This was the first time eith...

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Older men scam

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, ...

Hey girl, are you a shopping mall?

Because I wouldn't mind spending way too much time and money inside of you!

I met a new friend at the mall recently. He said to me , "I'm a man of few words."

And I replied, "Yeah, I'm married too."

Arnold Schwarzenegger opens his own shopping mall. A customer left her purse on the counter after a purchase. Seeing the customer is nearing the exit of the mall, Arnold handed the purse to the nearest cashier.

"GET TO THE SHOPPER, NOW!"

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An elderly man goes to a shopping mall...

... And decides to sit down for a while in the food court. A few moments pass by and a young man sits a few tables away from him. This young man has a mohawk taller than half of his body and dyed every color of the rainbow. The old man begins staring at the young man and eventually the latter gets a...

Someone was handing out certificates for a free Karate Lesson at the mall yesterday

He told me I could only Taek Won Do

A Jewish kid wants to go to the mall...

and asks his dad for forty dollars.

"Thirty dollars?" he replies. "What do you need twenty dollars for?"

If you're a teenage girl and you need to visit the mall to get supplies for art class, just say so.

Don't turn to your dad as you leave the house and say "I'm going to the mall to get felt."

So, a blonde and a brunette are at the mall...

and they see this really good looking guy. Being very outgoing girls they strike up a conversation. After they part ways, the blonde noticed that he had really bad dandruff.
"Yeah, we should give him Head & Shoulders." To which the blonde replies, "How do you give shoulders?"

A southern baptist and her two daughters are shopping at the mall, when suddenly, the three are separated

In hopes of finding her children, she talked to the employee at the Customer Service kiosk


Southern Baptist Woman: I'm looking for my daughters, have you seen them?







Kiosk Worker: I can't say I have. May I have their names, please?






...

A kid sees Santa at a mall

and says: give me a brother

Santa: give me your mother!

I went to the mall and was surprised to see a huge gap in it.

I went in it and got a nice sweatshirt for only 12.99.

Did you here about the fight on the stairs at the shopping mall?

Apparently it escalated quickly.

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A grandfather and grandson go to a shopping mall...

All of a sudden the grandson turns around and looks around and realizes he can't find his grandpa. A security guard comes up to this little boy and asks...
"Can I help you boy?"
The little boy reply's "I cant find my grandpa!"
So then the security guard asks "Well, whats his name?"
"Um...

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You're at the mall when a security guard comes up to you.

He (falsely) suspects you of attempted shoplifting.

You try to explain to him that you're not, but he thinks you're getting aggressive and trying to resist arrest.

He pulls out his taser.

What happens next may shock you...

I was walking outside of the Microsoft Store at the mall tonight when my wife asked if I wanted to go in and look at anything.

I told her “No, I’m just Windows shopping.”

A mall owner was speaking to the manager about the Santa Claus hiring for the Christmas holidays.

Owner: So how have the interviews been going? Any good candidates?

Manager: Well there was this one guy today. He was a fat guy, with rosy red cheeks and sporting a large sac. He had the furry cuffs, and a leather belt.

Owner: He sounds like the real deal!

Manager: Actually he h...

A thief stole a leaky tin of paint and is well hidden in the mall...

The police found him by following the blueprints.

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A teenager was stabbed to death in a shopping mall over a stolen pair of trainers.

Those security guards don't fuck about.

Just punched an old bearded fat guy at the mall..

I passed infront of him and he happily looked at me and called me a "Ho" 3 times.

So rude!

A farmer man had never left his area

So, he decides to take a week vacation on the nearest big city.



When he comes back, his fellow farmers, start asking how it was and what did he thought of the big city and he answers that he was very impressed by the very big buildings, the huge amount of people and cars all buzzing ...

Three Shops

A mall manager has three spaces to rent, all in a row. A prospective lessee by the name of Bruce shows up and says he wants to rent the space on the left for a men's wear shop.

"That's fine," the mall manager says. "You get free signage; what do you want on the sign?"

"Men's Wear," say...

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