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What's the difference between your job and a dead prostitute

Your job still sucks

A driver was arrested after a deadly accident...

Policeman: How could you kill 49 people? What the Hell is wrong with you?

Driver: I was driving at 80 km/h when I saw two men crossing the Road. On the road side, there was a wedding party. I wanted to apply the Breaks, but then I realised they were not working. So, I had to take a decision; ...

Scientists have discovered another deadly pathogen they are calling the Peekaboo virus.

Doctors are sending anyone with peekaboo straight to ICU.

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A farmer buys a young cock

As soon as he gets home it fucks all of his 150 hens.
The farmer is impressed. At lunch, the cock again screws all 150 hens.

Next day it's fucking the ducks and the geese too. Sadly, later in the day the farmer finds the cock lying on the ground half-dead and vultures circling over its hea...

I was going to tell a dead baby joke.....

But decided to abort it.


Keep it going!

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3 nurses walk into a patient's bedroom only to find him dead.

The first nurse goes to check on him and notices that he had a massive erection so she tells the other nurses to give him a good send off by have sex with him. The first nurse does it and stops after getting tired. The second does the same and stops to share with the third nurse. The third nurse was...

Took grandma to a spa where they have fish eat your dead skin

It was cheaper than paying for a funeral.

My best friend was a chef. He called last week to say that he found a hidden message in his herb and spice rack. He was quite paranoid and later that day he was found dead.

I should have believed him when he said his Thyme was running out.

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First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them,

"In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." As an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth.
...

Do you know why you Never see a crow dead in the road??

There’s always one on a telephone line shouting CAARR CAARRR CAR

Three dead bodies are delivered to the mortuary one day. Each of them has a great big smile on their face.

The coroner examines the bodies and then calls the police to tell them what has happened.

“First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector”, says the coroner.

“Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on th...

Pun enters a room, kills 10 people

Pun in, 10 dead

Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air.

When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?" His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad that's great," said little...

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How many dead baby's does it take to change a light bulb?

Not 53 because my basement is still dark

not many people know the friends characters represent all seven deadly sins

**Phoebe:**

**Joey:**

**Chandler:**

**Monica:**

**The monkey:**

**Rachel:**

**Ross:** pride, greed, lust, envy, gluttony, wrath, and sloth.

If you encounter a polar bear in the wild, lie down and pretend that you're dead.

It's good practice for when you'll be really dead, five minutes later.

Juice world is dead.

Guess he is juice box now.

A Young Vulture is sick of eating dead things and wants to be a vegetarian...

So he asks his parents whether they can start incorporating some vegetables into their meals.

His father is ashamed of him and says 'No'.

So the young vulture asks if he could bring a carrot to dinner and his mother and father tell him that he is a disgrace to the family and to put the...

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It feels weird masturbating to dead pornstars

The weirdest part is having to rebury them

What’s the difference between a Ferrari and 17 dead children?

There’s no Ferrari in my garrage.

The RCMP found over 2000 dead crows on Alberta highways recently...

The RCMP found over 2000 dead crows on Alberta highways recently, and there was concern that they may have died from the Avian Flu. A pathologist examined the remains of all the dead crows, and to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT the Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from ...

Is it necrophilia if I’m dead inside and get screwed over?

I mean, is it not what is on the inside that counts?

I think my chemistry teacher might be dead

Today there hasn't been even one reaction from him.

Man walks around with a dead fish in his pocket instead of wearing a mask

In thier community almost all of them caught the virus and this guy never did. The community head was curious and invited him to learn his secret and to talk to him as the smell was harassing this community.
Man came to the head's with the dead fish in pocket.

Man: I will talk to you only...

Chivalry is dead. If you see a guy opening a car door for a gal

Either the car is new or the girlfriend is new.

My boss said we need to remove the dead weight from our work.

Which is going to be tough, considering our job is in a morgue.

A crow was found dead by other crows and they began to search for the cause.

A murder investigation.

What's the best thing about dead-baby jokes?

They never get old.

Did you hear The Beatles were dead?

It's halfway true.

What do you call a wizard that specializes in raising horses from the dead?

A Neighcromancer

What did the Roman's do, when they heard that Jesus came back from the dead?

REPOST

"Dead or alive, you're coming with me."

Great movie quote, horrible pickup line…

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A couple of Italian guys are discussing who, if they could choose any woman in the world, they'd rather bang

One of them says some big name actress, the other says "Virginia Pippilini."

The first guy's like, "Who's that? Is she a model?"

"I don't know"

"Actress?"

"I don't know."

"Singer?"

"I don't know."

"Well if you don't know, why choose her?"

The ...

Yesterday a man dropped dead at Grand Central Station.

It was a terminal illness.

Police found a man dead, hanging from the rafters, in an apparent suicide.

Inside the pocket of his trousers was a note explaining the reasoning behind his suicide. The note explained that he lead a straight edge life style and that he was suffering from PTSD for three months, ever since his friends forced him to smoke weed with them.

He was unable to handle the st...

The local Ice Cream man was found dead on the floor of his van, covered in nuts, sprinkles and sauce.

The police think he topped himself.

What do you call a dead bird on the road?

A goosebump.

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Have you ever tried wanking with a dead arm???

I just got kicked out of another funeral home.....

iPhone Found Dead

Later charged with battery

Edward Carrington Marshal, the only son of John Marshall, who was the original owner of the famous Liberty Bell, was found dead.

Police suspect Will Smith, since his fresh prints were found on the bell heir.

Little billy lives in the country and gets home from school one day to see the family rooster dead on the ground laying on it's back, legs up in the air. He asks his dad "why did it die in such a position?" His dad being religious and quick thinking says

"it's so God can just grab him by his feet and lift him off into heaven." Billy thinks this is ok. A few days go by and billy runs up to his dad and says "DAD, DAD! MOM ALMOST DIED, MOM ALMOST DIED! I heard her screaming Jesus I'm coming, Jesus I'm coming. and when I went to check on her, she was on...

Breaking News! Cartoonist found dead in his home.

Details are sketchy

As I handed him my passport, the immigration officer stared at me with cold, dead eyes and mumbled, "I might not always agree with you, but..."

"I can see where you are coming from."

Sending kids back to school at this time will make them over educated but dead inside.

I mean we already have millenials.

What do you with a dead chemist?

Barium

A man working on an imaginary high voltage transformer was found dead in his home.

He had apparently received a fatal shock from the fictitious device.

Investigators who later examined it concluded that this was because it was not grounded in reality.

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Ask Reddit be like "If you could have sex with any celebrity, dead or alive, who would it be?"

I'd choose alive. Weirdo.

Who says romance is dead?

A necrophiliac...

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Q: Does anybody know how many dead hookers it takes to change a lightbulb in a basement?

Because it’s definitely not six...

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Heisenberg, Schroedinger and Ohm are in a car...

... And they get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies.

The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!"

The ...

What do "The Sixth Sense" and "Titanic" Have In Common?

Icy dead people.

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A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.

After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke, “Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.”

“I know, Father. In fact, I don’t think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.”

“I agree,” says the Fa...

Where's the best place to hide a dead body?

The second page of Google's search results.

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What do a dead person and a boat have in common?

The wake comes after they pass.

My wife looked me dead in the eyes while doing laundry and told me she's not a maid...

I told her of course you're not a maid baby....Maids get paid to do the laundry!

What do you call a dead dog?

Doesn’t matter, he won’t come back anyways.

Your duck is dead...

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distres...

You can only speak ill of the dead at a graveyard

They're beneath you

What’s the difference between North Korea and the US?

North Koreans can’t tell if their leader is seriously dead. Americans can’t tell if their leader is dead serious.

Captain Crunch, Tony the Tiger, and the Trix Rabbit were found dead recently

The police concluded that this is the work of a Cereal Killer.

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I'm sorry your mother in law is dead

I'm sorry your mother in law is dead he says..how did it happen?

Well it was very unfortunate..she tried to stand up but got dizzy and caught the curtains and ripped them.

oh, thats how she died

no, from the thrust she hit the 65' inch tv and fell on the crystal table.

so...

A buck wearing a robe and clutching a bible was found dead near a rural highway...

The person who found the animal exclaimed "Deer Lord" upon its discovery.

I like dating women after I bring them back from the dead.

You really can't spell necromancer without romance.

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Three nurses working in a morgue discover a dead body with a hard on

The first nurse says, "Damn, can't let that go to waste," and rides him.

The second nurse does the same.

The third nurse hesitates and explains that she's on her period, but still rides him.



Then the man sits up. The three nurses apologize profusely and say that they th...

How did possums learn to play dead?

When scientists learned that possums can survive up to 80 rattlesnake bites

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How do you know when your wife is dead?

The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

A case of a deadly, brain-eating amoeba has been confirmed in Florida.

Poor thing will starve down there.

I'm selling my dead batteries

They're free of charge if you're interested

Dad, when you in the army, did you ever shoot anyone dead?

No son, they were alive when I shot them!

Wait, what do you mean Madame Curie is dead?

Because the last time I saw her, she was positively glowing!

A man's girlfriend went to Europe for 5 days with some girlfriends.

She asked her boyfriend to watch her cat while she was gone. The first day she was gone, the cat was hit by a car and was killed. The first day she was gone she called and asked how her cat was doing. He didn't want to ruin her vacation so he said the cat was fine. The second day she called and he s...

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After a night of drinking, Brian crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.



When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"



The mysterious Man answered "This isn...

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An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

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A young boy was walking to school when he saw a dead dog in the street. When he got to school he told his teacher what he saw. “How do you know if the dog was really dead?” She asked the boy. “Because I pissed in his ear.” The teacher looked horrified. “What do you mean you pissed in his ear??”

“I went up to him and said ‘Pssstt!’ in his ear but he didn’t move.”

What’s the difference between a trombone player and a dead frog on the side of the road?

The frog was probably headed to a gig.

Walking through the jungles of Africa, a man comes across a pygmy standing next to a ferocious dead lion.

So the man approaches the pygmy and asks him, " Did you kill that lion ? "

"Yes", says the pygmy, "I killed it with my club."

Impressed by the tiny fellow, the man exclaims, "Wow! How big is your club ?"

The pygmy looks up at the man and says, "There are about ninety of us."

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Just to be sure, are dead bodies gay?

Cause they just keep coming out of my closet

What did the person who found Stalin dead after suffering from a stroke say?

That’s gonna leave a Marx

Three guys are working on an oil rig ...

Three roughnecks - John, Lonnie, and Donnie - were working on a rig in the oilfield...
While they were working one day, John falls off the rig tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance picks up his dead body and drives away, Lonnie says, "Somebody needs to go and tell his wife." Donnie repl...

I brought my granddad to a spa where the fish eat your dead skin

My mom objected but atleast we saved money from the funeral

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the disaster was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smouldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.

The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but did not find the remains of anyone, including the President. They spotted a lone farmer ploughing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor.

"Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of...

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What is silent, but deadly?

The quiet kid in your class.

There's a rumour that North Korean dictator, Kim Jong Un is dead.

But personally, I think he's just Kim Jong Un-well

Her: I'm sorry sir, your dad was pronounced dead.

Me: I can't believe I've been pronouncing it wrong all this time!

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”

When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds.

“W...

I accidentally played dad instead of dead when i encountered a bear

Now it can ride a bicycle without training wheels.

What do you call a running (not walking) dead?

A zoombie

In France it's legal to marry someone dead.

On an unrelated note, there's recently been an increase in the sales of spades.

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So a blond woman was at a shoe store arguing about the price of alligator boots

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, "Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'

The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, "Well, little lady, why don't you go give...

Latin isn't a dead language,

It's still Roman around.

COVID is bringing everyone a little closer to being Batman

Either you are wearing a mask or your parents are dead.

A dead baby walks into a bar

And says: *thud*

How is a toddler like a cell phone?

If you can't find it in three days it's probably dead.

What do you call a dead gopher?

Just fur. It doesn't go anymore.

They found a woman dead face down in a bathtub full of cornflakes.

They think it’s the work of a cereal killer.

What the difference between a dead baby and a bag of cocaine.

Eric Clapton would never let a bag of coke fall out of a window

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Three guys died the same day

3 guys all died on the same day, and they're standing in line before Peter and the pearly gates.

Peter says "ayy fellas, I'm a little full today. I tell you what. Whichever one of you has the best death story gets in today."

So ol' Pete pulls the first guy over and asks how he dies. ...

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What’s the worst thing about having sex with a dead person?......

Getting caught

A policeman is told to write a report at a crime scene.

Policeman: the dead man was found lying on the pawemant......he is lying on the pave.........p a v e

*The policeman kicks the body onto the street*

Policeman: the dead man was found lying on the street.

The Lady with the dead body in the trunk

One night Charlotte was speeding down the highway as a police pulls her over.

The cop comes up and asks her, **"what the heck was making you drive so fast??"**

Charlotte quickly tries to explain herself and tells the officer **"Sir, I have a dead body in the trunk of my car"**

A...

North Korean leader can't be dead

It's kimposible!

BREAKING NEWS: The leader of North Korea, Kim Jong-un, is brain-dead following an invasive medical procedure.

Officials praise the regime for finding common grounds with the US.

What do the living and the dead have in common right now?

6 feet of social distance

A tourist drives along the shore of the Dead Sea and spots a fisherman casting his fishing rod into the water.

The tourist, surprised, stops and explains to the fisherman that no fish can live in the Dead Sea.

The fisherman said “Yes, some do.   For $10, you may sit next to me and I will show you.”

The curious tourist paid the $10 and waited patiently. After an hour, the tourist said: “hey, whe...

A great scientist invents a machine to split the pain of birth between a couple...

He finds a couple who just went into labour, and asks them if he can use the machine on them, as a test.

The couple agrees, and the husband says "We can split it 50 - 50, its only fair". So the scientist turns the machine up to 50%, just as the baby begins coming out, and the women starts gro...

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