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A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.

After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke, “Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.”

“I know, Father. In fact, I don’t think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.”

“I agree,” says the Fa...

What do you do with a dead Chemist?

You Barium.

Donald Trump gets executed and is hanged by the neck until dead.

At Trump Tower, his family watches CNN, which is covering his death live, all of them mournful and teary before Donald himself walks in triumphantly.

“But Donald, CNN says you were killed!” Ivanka cried.

“Nope!” Donnie beamed, holding up the rope that was used to hang him, “fake noose....

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How many dead hookers does it take to change a lightbulb?

I don't know, but it's gotta be more than three, because my basement's still dark...

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How many dead bodies does it take to change a light bulb?

Well, it's not 6, cause my basement is still dark

(Robber who stabbed me 23 times): "WTF, how aren't you dead?"

Me: Bro we're in the living room.

I'm giving away dead batteries for free

No charge

What do you call a Bee thats returned from the dead?

A zombee

I’m selling my dead batteries.

They’re free of charge if you’re interested.

I got in trouble for trying to bring a dead rabbit on a plane.

I thought I was allowed one carrion.

Wanna hear a dead baby joke I just made up?

Sorry, there are problems with the delivery.

I used to tell dad jokes.

He's dead now though.

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A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange

:Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. It was revoked when I got my 5th DWI.

Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of...

The most famous French chef was found dead, victim of poisoning, and searching for answers they called Inspector Poirot...

The man had no enemies, he owed no one money, there was no motive at all... After a long and fruitless search, the Inspector noticed that a single bottle was missing from the kitchen. He took a quick inventory, then concluded that this was the result of a suicide.

How did he know? Of course, ...

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An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

One night, my dog brings me my neighbour’s rabbit, dead in its mouth.

It’s dirty, definitely dead and I’m a bit drunk so I panic. My neighbours hate me anyway. This could get me evicted.

So I take the rabbit, meticulously wash off the dirt and dry it. Then I sneak over the fence and put it back in it’s hutch, leaving no trace. Job well done.

My neighbour...

When I'm dead I want my remains to be scattered at Disneyland.

Oh, and I don't want to be cremated.

What do they call the guy who graduates dead last in his medical school class?

"Doctor". They call him "Doctor".

Cartoonist found dead in home

Details are sketchy

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I think my wife is dead.

Well the sex is the same but the dishes are starting to pile up.

Passed an auto parts store today and saw a sign that read, “Dead batteries, $1”

I thought, those should be free of charge.

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I walked in the bedroom to find my wife dead in the bed this morning.

Looking at her lifeless there, I decided to have one last go. Right in the middle she opened her eyes and shouted BOO! Honestly, some people are fucking sick in the head.

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Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob....' Bob was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.' Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.... The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. 'So, you'...

The headline was "two babies found dead at recycling center..."

I'm going to hell because my first thought was "Good job. We used to just throw those away. Now we're recycling."

Romance Is Dead!!!!

Especially for necrophiliacs.

For Sale - Dead Budgie

Not going cheep

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Whoever said masturabtion with a dead arm is better is an idiot.

I just ruined a fucking funeral!

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently...

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from avian flu. A bird pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely not av...

A woman brings her dead husband to the funeral home

The mortician comes out and says; "Madam, we have prepared everything for your husband's funeral tomorrow. We just wanted your comment on how he should look since mentioned wanting an open casket?"

The wife looks at her husband and bursts in tears; "I'm sorry, but I see you've dressed him in ...

Did you hear about the dangerous deadly virus in China?

It's called communism

When Mozart was alive, he was composing. Now that he's dead,

He's decomposing

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What’s the warmest part in a dead girls body?

My Penis

Two cannibals were eating a dead Amy Schumer

"Does this taste funny to you?", the first one asked,

the other one replied "No!"

What you call someone that feels dead inside?

A necrophiliac

There's a movie about people who carve statues of the dead that show only their heads and shoulders

Ghostbusters!

One day, Albert Einstein was on his way to a science convention for a speech.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:

"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could giv...

A man has been found dead at the pizza parlour

He was covered in ham, pineapple, onions, mushrooms, bell pepper, ground beef, pepperoni and four cheeses.

Police are saying he topped himself.

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A man is found dead with Bohemian Rhapsody on repeat.

Poor bastard died of Mercury poisoning.

Do you like Dead Pan jokes?

Well that's good because Neverland is just purgatory for children.

Ok Boomer memes are dead, but they will surely come back one day.

It's the boomerang efffect

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What’s tighter than a dead virgin?

My alibi

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A little boy tells his nursery teacher that he found a dead cat

'How did you know that it was dead?' Asked the teacher

'Because i pissed in its ear & it didn't move' Said the boy

'You did what?!?' Shrieks the teacher

'You know' Explains the boy, 'I lent over and went Pssst & it didn't move"

My friend said they should make "Red Dead Redemption Remastered". I said that sounds laughable.

"RDRR"

What do German’s call a dead battery?

A nein volt.

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So there was this assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"

"Yup."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."

"Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best fri...

A guy sits down in a restaurant and orders a bowl of chili.

The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl".


He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?"


The other guy says, "No. Help yourself".


He slides the bow...

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What’s the difference between your job and a dead prostitute?

Your job still sucks.

I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament

It should’ve been called a dead giveaway

What do you call a dead blonde in a cupboard?

Hide and Seek Champion: 2002.

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3 Nurses On A Dead Guy

Three Nurses working in a morgue discover a Dead Man with a hard on, the 1st Nurse says ‘I can’t let that go to waste’, & rides him. The 2nd Nurse does the same. The 3rd Nurse hesitates & explains she is on her period, but does him anyway. Then the Man sits up & the Nurses
apologize s...

A young man named Dave bought a horse from a farmer for $250

The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Dave's house and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died"

Dave replied, "Well, then just give me my money back"

The farmer said, "Can’t do that. I went and spent it already"
...

Your duck is dead.

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distres...

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What’s the difference between money and dead bodies?

I don’t have a pile of money in my basement

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Most of the dirty jokes I see on this sub are either about necrophilia, bestiality, or masturbation. They used to be funny.

But at this point, they're beating off a dead horse.

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First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them,

"In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." As an ex...

What do you call a redditor who copies and pastes dead jokes?

A RIPoster.

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Three dead men go to hell at the same time.

There is a white man, a Chinese man, and a Mexican man. Satan tells them that they can only leave hell if he can't do what they ask. The white man asks for the fastest sports car in the world; he goes to into hell. The Chinese man asks for the most advanced computer in the world; he goes into to hel...

Pun enters a room, kills 10 people

Pun in, 10 dead

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What should they say about you when you're dead?

Tom, Dick and Harry where in a terrible car accident. Sadly, they all died. They followed the light through the tunnel and arrived at the pearly gates. Before they could enter Heaven they had to attend an introduction ceremony. After about 15 minutes they where presented with a question; What would ...

I found a mass grave today, full of dead snowmen. "Dave…" shouted my wife.

"Come away from the pond."

I was going to tell a dead baby joke

But then I decided to abort

What do you use to contact Mario's dead brother?

A Luigi board.

Invisible man found dead in his apt.

Where do we draw the line?

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People say Benjamin Button jokes are dead.

But, honestly, they never get old.

Want to hear a joke about dead batteries?

There’s no charge.

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The Duck Hunter

A hunter is out in the country one day and waiting for ducks to fly by.

After a while he sees a duck, points his gun and shoots it. The duck falls to the ground onto some farmland nearby. The hunter walks over the the farm and sees a farmer holding the dead duck.

"Hey that's my duck!"...

A black guy loses a middle finger in a work accident.

The surgeon tells him: "I'm sorry but I cannot attach your original finger due to the damage. However, I can attach one from a dead person. The thing is, I only have fingers from white people available."

The black guy says it's no problem, as long as he can use all fingers again.

Surge...

A man is declared dead in the emergency room with 3 nurses present.

Noticing he has a hardon, the first nurse says:
"I wouldn't want it to go to waste", and rides him.
The second nurse agrees, and does the same.
The third nurse says she's on her period, but that a little blood won't do anything.
After they're all done, the man suddenly wakes up, feelin...

My Favorite Dr. Seuss Book:

One Wife, Two Wife, Dead Wife, New Wife

The real reason why women don’t like men under 6 feet

Is because it’s hard to have a conversation with the dead.

As the coffin was lowered into the ground at a traffic warden’s funeral, a voice from inside yelled: “I’m not dead! I’m not dead!”

To which the vicar shouted back: “Sorry, the paperwork has already been done.”

An Aussie walks into a British pub...

An Aussie walks into a British pub, saunters up to the bar and orders two beers: one for him and one for his four-legged friend. As the barman places the beers on the counter he glances at the beast lying at the Aussie's feet. The barman raises one eyebrow and says "That is surely the ugliest dog I...

What do you call a wizard who only uses his magic to revive dead cats?

A Nekomancer

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A farmer with one cow lives in a tiny farm with his wife, and three sons.

One morning he stepped outside to milk the cow, only to find it stiff and unmistakenably dead in its meadow. The farmer drops down in despair.

'How am I supposed to support my family without our only source of income?', he exclaims. In utter disbelief he walks to the shed, grabs his shotgun, ...

How do you make a dead baby float?

2 scoops of ice cream
1 scoop of dead baby

When I am on my death bed surrounded by my friends and family my final words will be

"You guys want to see a dead body?"

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A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases."

"In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how ...

How long does it take to hide a dead hooker's corpse?

Seriously guys, the cops could come by any minute now

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Bovine Economics

Basic Economics, brought up to date...



\*\*SOCIALISM\*\*



You have 2 cows.



You give one to your neighbor.



The government charges a gift tax.







\*\*COMMUNISM\*\*



You have 2 cows.



The...

"Hey guys, who wants to hear a blonde joke?", says a blind man after settling himself down on a stool in a bar. The question was met with dead silence.

After a few seconds pause, the bartender walks up to the blind fella and puts his face right up to his nose and says, in a deep menacing voice:

"I'm blond, and I don't appreciate blonde jokes. My wife is right next to me, she's blonde and she doesn't appreciate blonde jokes either. And best o...

Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings

The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”.

So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him...

The caretaker of a generation ship was on his death bed

Many years before, Jacques had helped place all his friends and family into cryogenic sleep. He was a young man then and they all knew that he would likely be long dead by the time they reached their destination. They said their tearful goodbyes and drifted off to sleep.

In the years he spent...

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

Because they’re all dead

A man rushes with his dog to the vet, but the doctor tells him the dog is dead

The man doesn’t believe it, so the vet goes to the back room and comes out with a cat. The cat sniffs the body and meows.

“I’m sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too.”

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black Labrador. The dog s...

So I thought about writing a book about a good zombie that comes back from the dead. Turns out it’s already a thing.

It’s called the Bible.

I was sitting at the stoplight when a drop dead gorgeous woman pulled up next to me and rolled her window down. I rolled my window down and smiled at her . . .

She said, “What? Did you fart too?”

Today I told my little brother chivalry was dead

He asked me: Who's chivalry?

How many lives does a dead German cat have?

Nein

Who collects the souls of dead birds?

The Grim Cheeper.

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Dead Eyed Dick

Here's a cheer to Dead Eyed Dick!

The only man with a spiraled prick.

He went out on a worldwide hunt,

To find a women with a spiraled cunt.

When he found her, the son of a bitch dropped dead.

Damn thing had a left hand thread.

The other day I took my Grandma to one of those spas where the little fish eat your dead skin

It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery

I have a joke about dead beat dads...

But they don't seem to stick around.

I’m a supervillain from Italy, I have the power to infect people with deadly diseases.

It’s-a-me, Malario.

My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.

It just made her more upset.
She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital.

One day while they
were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into
the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly
jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When
the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act ...

A man is on trial for murdering his wife, although a body has not been found. [long]

His lawyer says there is not enough evidence. "The ex-wife is not even dead, I am going to prove it to you, she is going to walk through the door in about one minute."

All eyes are focused on the door. A minute passes. Another minute passes. And another.

The prosecution says: "she didn...

What is the difference between a dead dog and lawyer lying in the road?

The dog has skid marks leading up to it.

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