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First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them,

"In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." As an ex...

My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.

It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”

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Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Bob." Bob was stunned, "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!"

St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."

Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A ro...

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I just found a dead body in the street

So I took it home and put it on the cat's pillow


See how she fucking likes it !

Your DUCK IS DEAD

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distres...

A young man named Joe bought a horse from a farmer for £250.

The farmer agreed to deliver the horse within the next few days. A couple of days later, the farmer drove up to Joe’s house and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.’

Joe replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’

The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I’ve spen...

3 dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with big smiles on their faces.

The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. “First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector”, says the Coroner.

“Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. D...

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A little boy told his nursery teacher he found a dead cat.

"How did you know it was dead?" his teacher asked

​

"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move." the boy said.


"You did *what*?!" the teacher shrieked.

​

"You know," the boy explained, "I leaned over and went 'Psst!' in its ear and...

My son was mad at me today, and said "I wish my dad was dead!"

My son was mad at me today, and said "I wish my dad was dead!" The sky went dark and there was a loud crack of thunder that freaked me out. But then nothing happened, so we went home.

My wife was home, and she was very upset. Her personal trainer had been killed by lightning.

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.

Sam looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"

They draw straws. Lester, who is always a loser, picks the short one.

They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't...

How do you make music when you're dead?

By de-composing.

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How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a lightbulb?

Has to be more than 17 because my basement is still dark.

An antivaxer has a heart attack. He's rushed to ER, but during the emergency surgery, his heart stops, rendering him clinically dead.

Before he knows it, he's face to face with none other than God himself, Author of the Universe, Maker of All. God smiles beatifically and says, “Don't worry. The doctors working on you are good; you'll be back in no time. But as long as you're here, do you have any questions you'd like to ask?”
<...

"Permission to continue eating this dead animal on the side of the road," said the young vulture to his supervisor.

"Carrion."

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A student in a psych class is asking his professor about sexual fetishes.

Student: Do you know the scientific names of most of the sexual fetishes?

Prof: I believe I know just about all of them, I’ve been teaching psychology for over 40 years.

Student: well what do you call a person who is aroused by dead people.

Prof: easy, that’s a necrophiliac....

Why are vaccinated kids more likely to have autism?

Because the ones that aren't are dead.

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Mr. Smith kisses his wife goodbye before she leaves for a business trip....

On the way to the airport, Mrs. Smith gets in a terrible car crash and is life-flighted to the hospital.

Mr. Smith receives a call from the police telling him about the accident and rushes to the hospital. There, he waits for hours while his wife is in surgery.

After many hours of wa...

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What's the difference between a dead baby and a bowling ball?

You can't offload a truck full of bowling balls with a pitchfork.

I recently brought some dead batteries without realising...

I guess, thats why they were free of charge.

What do you do with a dead chemist?

You Barium.

What’s the difference between a pile of dead bodies and a Lamborghini

I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage

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A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane...

The stewardess stops him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

I have a 90 year old neighbor with Alzheimer’s

Who asks me every single morning if I’ve seen his wife.
Now, you have to know his wife has been dead for years and I’ve thought about not answering the door every morning or even moving, but I end up telling him that she’s dead just to see that big smile on his face.

Credit A Jeselnik

Looking out into the pitch-black night, a sea captain sees a light dead ahead. It’s on a collision course with his ship.

He sends out a light signal: “Change your course ten degrees east.”

&#x200B;

The light signals back to the ship, “Change yours ten degrees west.”

&#x200B;

Angrily, the captain sends a second signal, stating, “I’m a navy captain! Change your course, sir!”

&a...

What's the difference between your job and a dead hooker?

Your job still sucks.

I’m freaking out right now! I found a dead body in the trunk of my car!

Where the hell did the other one go?!

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A Cop Saw a Car in the Ditch.

A police officer was driving down the road when he saw a car in the ditch.

The crash appeared to pretty bad so he took a close look, when he got to the car and looked inside he saw an entire dead family. The husband, the wife, and two kids but there was an alive monkey sitting in the car.
...

I took my grandma to a fish spa centre where the little fish eat your dead skin for only $45.

It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.

Necrophilia is dead boring

Try incest, it's only relatively boring

What's worse than a dead baby nailed to a tree?

A dead baby nailed to three trees.

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How do dead people have sex?

They bone.

An Asylum Seeker has been found dead in a cheese vat.

Police are unsure of his nationality but say he looks Kurdish.

"As a quantum physicist opening the box with Schrodinger's cat, do you expect it to be dead or alive?"

"Yes"

I don’t know why I got kicked off the plane for bringing a dead animal.

I mean, it did say I could bring a “carrion” bag,

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How do you know when your wife is dead?

The sex is the same, but the dishes start piling up.

What did the Ashlander say when all Cliffracers were dead ?

Good Jiub

A wife who's husband is dead is called a widow. A husband, however is called:

Free

How many dead babies does it take to paint a wall?

Depends on how hard you throw

When you are dead you dont know you are dead. It is only difficult for the others.

It is the same when you are stupid.

Crow joins two other feasting on a dead rat...

says - a murder, eh?!

When the Pink Panther stepped on an ant, what song did they play?

Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant dead ant dead ant dead ant dead ant dead ant......

Why was 10 dead?

He was in the middle of 9/11

What do you call a dead chicken?

A poultry-geist

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Police officer questioning a man. So when was it you noticed that your wife was dead?

Man replied, sex was the same but the dishes started piling up..

The wife’s mother said: ‘When you’re dead, I’ll dance on your grave.’

Me: ‘Good, I’m being buried at sea.’

Why do they bury dead lawyers 20 feet under?

Because deep down, they’re good people.

Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office."

Doctor: "Turn him around. Make it look like he was walking in."

If you nut on a dead person

Are you ghost busting?

When driving an electric car, never turn onto a dead end street.

you'll be stuck on a road with No Outlet.

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What did the cowboy say about the dead prostitute?

Hoedown

Grandpa: What has 4 legs, but isn't alive ?

Boy: A chair, haha, nice try gran-

Grandpa - it's your dog. He's dead Jimmy.

What do you put on a dead fruits gravestone?

R.I.P.E

What’s the difference between a rich Scotsman, a poor Scotsman, and a dead Scotsman?

A rich Scotsman has a canopy over his bed.
A poor Scotsman has a can o’ pee under his bed.
And a dead Scotsman canna pee at all.

After the resurrection from the dead, Jesus appeared to his disciples.

Jesus said: *"Peace be with you",*

and the disciples rejoiced. Simon stepped forward, troubled expression on his face and said: *"Jesus, was it me who betrayed you?"*

Jesus smiled and answered: *"No Simon, you did not betray me."*

Then John stepped forward and asked the same que...

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Dirty dead baby jokes?

My dad told me some pretty bad ones, so I guess let's collectively get them out there

Q: What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Cadillac?

A: I don't have a Cadillac in my garage.

Q: What's the difference between a dead baby and my girlfriend?

A: I don'...

How did the dead baby get across the road?

Stapled to the Chicken.

I got thrown out of DisneyWorld for spreading my dead mother’s remains around the park. It was her dying wish.

The security guards said I probably should have cremated her first.

5:06 AM - I find a dead body on the corner of Main St. and Park Ave. and notify a CSI unit.

5:06 AM - The CSI unit arrives.

5:06 AM - The CSI unit starts collecting samples at the crime scene.

5:06 AM - I notice my watch has stopped.

Today my son threw a quarter in the well at the mall and said "I wish my dad was dead." And because of his attitide we went home without buying anything.

When we got to our house we saw an ambulance and the coroner at Jim's house, apparently he had a freak heart attack about thirty minutes before hand, it was odd because he was a personal trainer and in great shape, my wife seemed real upset by his passing. Though it was strange because I've never ev...

Eventually, Quasimodo dies and the Bishop immediately decides to hold auditions for the position of Notre Dame's bellringer.

After all, nobody lives forever. The bishop posted flyers all over Paris and the French countryside in the hopes that somebody, anybody could be half as good as Quasimodo was.

At the end of the day after a long week of holding auditions for disappointment after disappointment, the Bishop i...

What do you call those dead pieces of green stuff left in the bottom of a bowl of caesar salad?

The last romaines. Now lettuce pray for them...

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God isn't dead

But I'll get that bastard someday.

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