The 121+ Best Dead Jokes

what is the best thing about dead baby jokes?

they never get old

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You meet a man on the Oregon Trail. He tells you his name is Terry. “Terry?!” you say laughing, “Terry’s a girls name!” Without any hesitation, Terry pulls out a gun and shoots you dead.

You have died of dissin’ Terry :(

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"If you could fuck anyone living or dead, what would you choose?"

"Anyone living, I suppose."

A squad of American soldiers was patrolling the Iraqi border, when they came across a badly mangled dead body.

As they got closer, they found it was an Iraqi soldier.
A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to breathe. They ran to him, cradled his bruised head and asked him what had happened.

"Well," he whis...

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Cinderella, now 90 years old, and Prince Charming being long dead, sat on the balcony of her castle with her cat resting in her lap.

Suddenly, the Fairy Godmother appeared out of nowhere. Cinderella was completely stunned.

\- Wh... what are you doing here after all these years? asked Cinderella.

\- Cinderella, you have lived a perfect life. You have never done anything out of malice, and you have been a wonderful wi...

As my daughter was walking out the door to go on her first date, in my best grumpy old tough guy dad voice, I growled, "I want her home before midnight." The boy she was going with stopped dead in his tracks, turned slowly around and with wide eyes replied....

"But you already own her home!"

A guy wanted his wife dead so he hired Crazy Arti to murder her. Arti said he would do it for a dollar because, well, he's crazy.

The husband said she always goes to the grocery store on Thursday so they decided to do it then. The day came and unbeknownst to Arti, the wife brought her friend with her so he strangled them both inside the grocery. The headline in the local newspaper the following day said...

ARTICHOKES ...

What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road, and a dead lawyer in the road?

There's skid marks in front of the skunk.

I took my grandpa to one of those places where the fish eat dead skin.

It cost me $50, but it was a hell of a lot cheaper than a funeral.

I was lost in the woods and I found a dead hooker..

At that moment I knew I'd been walking in circles.

Police found a large number of dead crows on the A251 just outside Ashford yesterday morning, and there was concern that they may have died from Bird Flu...

A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and it's been confirmed the problem was not Bird Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts, however, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.

By analysing...

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One day a man, who had been stranded on a desert island for over ten years sees an unusual speck on the horizon."It's certainly not a ship", he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer Suddenly, emerging from the surf, comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned guy and says: "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years," replies the stunned man.
With that she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long...

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An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

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I was watching a show about Ancient Egypt, and they mentioned that there were Seven Sacred Oils that they used to anoint the dead with.

I thought that sounded interesting, so I decided to Google "Seven Sacred Oils of Egypt" and the entire front page of results is about where I can buy the essential oils the Egyptians used, you know mlm shit.

I cannot stress enough how this is not what I was looking for, but in hindsight I p...

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I walked in the bedroom to find my wife dead in the bed the other day.

Looking at her lifeless there, I decided to have one last go. Right in the middle she opened her eyes and shouted BOO! Honestly, some people are fucking sick in the head.

Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter

Donald Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees “Donald Trump Sucks” written in urine across the snow.

Well, he's is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff’s HQ, and yells “Somebody wrote an insult i...

Your DUCK IS DEAD

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distres...

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How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a lightbulb?

Obviously not 8, because its still dark in my basement.

George R R Martin, dead after reaching peak popularity

Just like one of his characters.

(If this trash of a post hit the front page, the title could really mess with some GoT fans, I'm just saying)

Dead again..

During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the cask...

"Dead or alive, you're coming with me."

Great movie quote, terrible pickup line…

My wife was reading the newspaper. She gasped and said, "A dead body was found by the restaurant bins this morning!"

"Those bins must be very observant," I replied.

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Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Bob." Bob was stunned, "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!"

St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."

Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A ro...

One of my mates asked me, "If you could sleep with anyone living or anyone dead, who would it be?" ................

I said "Definitely somebody living"

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First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them,

"In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." As an ex...

"This is the hardest part of our job," said the police officer after Adam was pronounced dead in the accident.

"Yeah, but break the news slowly. His wife is a very sensitive person."

The police officer knocks on the door and Adam's wife opens it.

"Are you Adam's widow?" said the police.

A judge grew tired of seeing the same town drunk in front of his bench. One day the judge glared down at the man, who was still intoxicated, and thundered "It is the sentence of this court that you be taken from here to a place of execution and there hanged by the neck until DEAD."

The drunk promptly fainted.
The court bailiff commenced to reviving the man, and looked up at the judge, at which time the judge shrugged and responded "I've always wanted to do that."

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One day a twelve year old walks into a house of ill-repute dragging a dead frog on a string behind him. He slaps a hundred dollar bill on the counter and says

"I want one of your women."
The madam looks at him and says "Don't you think
you're a bit young for that?" He slaps another
hundred on the counter and says "I want one of
your women."

The madam says "Okay, have a seat, she'll be down
in about thirty minutes." He slaps anoth...

What do you call a dead fly?

A Flew

when you're dead you don't know it. It's only painful to others.

The same thing is true if you're stupid.

Two guys out hunting, one has a heart attack and falls dead.

Second guy calls 911.

Hunter: My friend just died of a heart attack!

Dispatcher: Calm down, first make absolutely sure he's dead.

Hunter: Okay hold on... \*BANG\* Okay now what?

McAfee not dead actually..

He is still running in the background.

Putin asks Zelenskyi: 'When I'm dead, I bet you will come to urinate on my grave?"

Zelenskyi: "Nah. Never been fond of waiting in line."

Nigerian man found dead in his flat with $45million cash

He spent the last 10 years trying to share it, but no one replied to his emails.

A Young Vulture is sick of eating dead things and wants to be a vegetarian...

So he asks his parents whether they can start incorporating some vegetables into their meals.

His father is ashamed of him and says 'No'.

So the young vulture asks if he could bring a carrot to dinner and his mother and father tell him that he is a disgrace to the family and to put the...

An antivaxer has a heart attack. He's rushed to ER, but during the emergency surgery, his heart stops, rendering him clinically dead.

Before he knows it, he's face to face with none other than God himself, Author of the Universe, Maker of All. God smiles beatifically and says, “Don't worry. The doctors working on you are good; you'll be back in no time. But as long as you're here, do you have any questions you'd like to ask?”
<...

Why was Buzzfeed's editor found dead in the bathroom?

Because number two shocked him.

I gave away all my dead batteries today..

free of charge.

Authorities close investigation on the group of hipsters found dead in a pond last week.

Turns out they were ice skating before it was cool.

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I went to a new doctor the other day and found the doctor to be a young, drop-dead gorgeous female!

I was embarrassed, but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional - I've seen it all before, Just tell me what's wrong and I'll help you in any way I can." I said, "I think my penis tastes funny..."

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3 nurses walk into a patient's bedroom only to find him dead.

The first nurse goes to check on him and notices that he had a massive erection so she tells the other nurses to give him a good send off by have sex with him. The first nurse does it and stops after getting tired. The second does the same and stops to share with the third nurse. The third nurse was...

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What's the difference between your job and a dead prostitute?

Your job still sucks.

I got thrown out of DisneyWorld for spreading my dead mother’s remains around the park. It was her dying wish.

The security guards said I probably should have cremated her first.

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It feels weird masturbating to dead pornstars

The weirdest part is having to rebury them

Police found a dead body with sperm in its mouth...

I guess someone tried to inject new life into it

I can cut a dead tree in half just by looking at it

I saw it with my own eyes

What do you do with a dead chemist?

Barium

The ghost of a dead cat walks into a bar

The ghost of a dead cat carrying its severed tail in its mouth walks into a bar at 3 a.m. Only the bartender is there, cleaning up and shutting the place down for the night. The cat puts down the tails and begins to speak. "Pardon me sir, I don't know if you remember me, but I'm the cat that was st...

A man was walking through the desert and passed a group of vultures feasting on a dead animal.

The vultures stopped eating and looked at him, obviously disturbed.

The man casually commented "Carrion."

Would you like a dead battery?

They're free of charge!

Did you hear the joke about the two dead musicians?

They were decomposing

I brought my dead girlfriend back to life by passionately kissing her neck

...I guess you could say I'm a neck-romancer

Is this sub dead?

I haven’t seen any posts all year

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Paramedics find a man, dead, midway thru masturbating.

Died having a stroke.

Why is it so hot at the Grateful Dead concert?

Because their fans don't work.

Okay to tell dead Steve Jobs jokes now?

What's the difference between cancer and the middle class? At least cancer got Jobs.

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A little boy tells his nursery teacher that he found a dead cat

'How did you know that it was dead?' Asked the teacher

'Because i pissed in its ear & it didn't move' Said the boy

'You did what?!?' Shrieks the teacher

'You know' Explains the boy, 'I lent over and went Pssst & it didn't move"

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Three nurses working in a morgue discover a dead body with a hard on

The first nurse says, "Damn, can't let that go to waste," and rides him.

The second nurse does the same.

The third nurse hesitates and explains that she's on her period, but still rides him.

Then the man sits up. The three nurses apologize profusely and say that they th...

What does a swimming pool and a dead body have in common?

They are both cold when you first get in.

The airline wouldn’t let me take my dead deer on the plane with me.

They said my carrion was too large.

My little brother won a goldfish at the local fair. Sadly, the next morning he was floating dead in his little pond.

So now I have to look after the fish.

What do you do to a dead scientist?

Two professors of Entire Economics were walking down a road when they saw a dead rat

The older one said - “If you eat this, I’ll pay you $10,000”. The younger one makes a quick cost-benefit analysis and eats the rat.

The younger professor experiences a bad after-taste and wants the older professor to experience the same. Suddenly he sees another dead rat on the road and dare...

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A vulture boards a plane holding two dead raccoons.

The flight attendant stops him before boarding and says “sorry, only one carrion per passenger”

Saw a bunch of dead crows in the woods the other day.

Must have been a murder suicide.

How do you make a dead baby float?

2 scoops of ice cream
1 scoop of dead baby

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What do you call a set of twins with "knock'em dead" chests?

Comorbidtitties

Joke from my 9 year old brother- our dad is dead

Who would win in a fight? Our dad or a plate of spaghetti?
The spaghetti because dad PASTAway

Police were called in to investigate a dead librarian found crushed under a ton of books

Despite initial suspicion of foul play, the officers analyzed the poor construction of the room and determined that the librarian had only his shelf to blame.

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NSFW An upset older gentleman calls his doctor. "Doctor Smith," it's Harold Renquist." "How can I help you today, Harold?" "Doctor, it's my wife of 42 years, Ethel. I think she's dead." "What do you mean you "think" she's dead?" asked the doctor.

"Well," said Harold, "the sex is the same but the dishes are piling up in the sink”

What does the UK economy and dead pigs have in common?

The Tories love using both for their pump and dump schemes

Why'd the dead chicken cross the road

To get back from the other side

I was out for a quick ride when a large bird of prey dropped dead right in front of me, throwing me clear off my bicycle.

Shocked, confused, and a little banged up, I decided to take the dead raptor to a vet. Autopsy revealed it had suffered from a myocardial infarction likely caused by severe hypertension.

As the vet put it, I’d fallen victim to an ill eagle arrest.

Found a shirt that says, “I see dead people”

But I can’t wear it because it only fits mediums

What does a dead musician do?

He decomposes

When you are dead

Everyone else around you feels pain except you. Same case applies when you're stupid.

An ice-cream man was found dead at his home.

He was covered in strawberry syrup, hot fudge sauce, crushed nuts, and grated chocolate.

Police believe that he topped himself.

Did you hear about the mortician that tried to smuggle an 8-ball of coke in a dead body?

Authorities found it in the coroner pocket.

Why did the man refuse to honor his dead ancestors?

He didn't like people who looked down on him.

Can we please stop with the meta “because she’s dead” punchlines? I’ve been trying to read actual funny jokes from this sub to my mom to cheer her up but she hasn’t laughed at a single one of them.

Because she’s dead.

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I just found a dead body in the street

So I took it home and put it on the cat's pillow

See how she fucking likes it !

An emaciated man was found dead in his bathtub. The apparent cause of death was starvation.

Oddly, he still had enough food in his fridge, and no apparent mobility problems that would prevent him from getting to it. His relatives did not know of any mental problems either.

The best investigator in the city was called to the scene. She takes one look at the bathroom and asks the rela...

Dead Crows

During a review of accident statistics, it was noticed that one particular intersection in Boston had an inordinately high number of dead crows, presumably killed by motor vehicle strikes. Further study revealed the oddity that in every case, the dead crow had been killed by a truck—never a passenge...

Two friends, dead drunk, are on their way home, one says to the other, go up to my house for the last drink...

They enter the house, the owner of the house asks his friend not to make noise, so as not to wake his wife, and goes to the kitchen to get beers.
Meanwhile, the friend left alone, hears noises coming from the bedroom, looks out and takes a peek into the bedroom, sees his friend's wife in bed wi...

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Cop: So when did you notice your wife was dead?

Man: Well, the sex was still the same but the dishes started to pile up

TIL The founder of r/jokes is dead

RIP Larry Tesler, the UI designer that created Cut, Copy and Paste, died age 74

What does The Walking Dead, Game of Thrones and Fast and Furious have in common?

All their Walkers are dead

A man was found dead in vat of ground chickpeas.

Police are considering it a hummus-cide.

What do you call it when a Necromancer has issues raising the dead?

Resurrectile Disfunction!

Brought a girl home from a bar last night and after we went down on each other for a while I slipped on a condom. Suddenly, she looked me dead in the eyes and demanded either forty more minutes of foreplay, or that I drop down and give her 100 pushups. When I asked why she said

"The idea is to provide you with a sense of pride and accomplishment for unlocking different holes."

Doctors have just discovered another deadly pathogen, they are calling the Peekaboo Virus.

Doctors are sending anyone with Peekaboo, straight to ICU.

I was really mad when they locked me in a room with nothing but the remnants of a dead chicken, but I got out.

Good thing I had a bone to pick.

What do you call a bunch of dead bodies in the streets of Tiananmen Square?

Your imagination

What do you call a dead man that was only 12 inches tall?

One foot in the grave.

I saw my dog carrying a dead rabbit in its mouth.

I recognized that the rabbit came from my neighbor. I didn't want the neighbor to get mad at me because my dog killed their rabbit so I took the rabbit from the dog and snuck it back into it's cage so it would look like it just died there.

Later I heard my neighbor screaming so I asked what's...

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I was cleaning my yard when my dog brought a dead rabbit to me.

This wasn't just any ordinary rabbit.

I could tell that this was one of my neighbors prized rabbits that he used for shows.

Seeing as I didn't want my neighbor knowing my dog killed his rabbit, I washed the blood off the rabbit and that night put the rabbit back into its cage at my n...

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De parrot, he is dead

At dawn the telephone rings,

"Hello, Señor Bob? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Bob, that your parrot, he is dead".

"My parrot? Dead? The one t...

Two men are out hunting when one of them suddenly drops dead

Two men are out hunting when one of them suddenly drops dead. He calls 911 immediately. The operator says "Can I help you sir?"

The man replies "I think my friend is dead! Get an ambulance! What should I do?"

The operator replies "Okay, calm down sir. First we have to make sure he is d...

What's the difference between a live wire and a dead wire?

A live wire makes you dead but a dead wire keeps you alive.

Go figure.

What's worse than beating a dead horse?

Shooting a live gorilla

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A young boy walks into a Brothel dragging a dead frog on a string behind him...

He approaches the Madam of the Brothel and promptly asks for a girl. The woman looks him over and says "I can't do that for a boy of your age". The boy drops a wad of cash in front of her and repeats his request. The madam ponders, and then tells him "alright, first door on the left". Before the boy...

My son was mad at me today, and said "I wish my dad was dead!"

My son was mad at me today, and said "I wish my dad was dead!" The sky went dark and there was a loud crack of thunder that freaked me out. But then nothing happened, so we went home.

My wife was home, and she was very upset. Her personal trainer had been killed by lightning.

What did all the Grateful Dead fans say when they ran out of dope?

This music sucks.

I helped my friend hide a dead body.

He said "Thanks."

I said "Don't mention it."

What does a liar do when he's dead?

He lies still

Two dead bodybuilders meet each other in hell

Dude 1: Hey there man, you know where I can get a protein shake around here?

Dude 2: There’s no whey in hell

Two dead boys

One bright day in the middle of the night, two dead boys got up to fight, back to back they faced each other drew their swords and shot each other. If you don't believe this tale is true, ask the blind man, he saw it too.

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A man finds a dead cat and calls the city

Man: I found a dead cat

Operator: oh no! Are you sure it's dead?

M: Yes, I pissed in its ear and it didn't move

O: You what?!

M: I pissed in its ear

O: Why on earth would you do that??

M: Well, I heard that if you go "pss pss pss" in a cat's ear they should ...

When Mozart was alive, he was composing. Now that he's dead,

He's decomposing

The Imperial Wizard of the KKK was just found dead near a river in Missouri...

Man, the moment the EPA gets threatened people start dropping white trash in our water.

Why do we call dead people 'late'?

Dude, they aren't coming.

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Have you ever tried wanking with a dead arm???

I just got kicked out of another funeral home.....

One fish, two fish, red fish, dead fish.

Turbines, am I right?

What do you call a convention you nominate people for cosplaying as the dead?

Necronomicon

Knee-bone slapper I know…….

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My ex girlfriend once told me she gets sad everytime she sees dead goose on the side of the road.

She said it's because when geese mate they mate for life. I know for a fact that's bullshit because as soon as I let go they fly away.

How to Sell a Dead Donkey

Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day the farmer drove up and said, 'Sorry Chuck, but I have some bad news The donkey died.'
Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'
The far...

A new soda has been created that's made from the dead.

It's called Decoffinated

Dead baby jokes are terrible

If you’re gonna tell one, just abort it.

Two starving men are walking through an alley when one of them sees a dead cat...

He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs.
He says to the other man, "Hey, I know you're hungry, too. Why don't you eat some of this cat?"
"Hell no!" replies the second man, "That cat's been dead for days, he's all stiff and cold and smelly!"
"...

Fidel Castro is dead

Looks like Keith Richards and the Queen of England are moving on to the finals.

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Dead Cow and the Mermaid

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly conti...

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