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In business news, the makers of "Utterly Butterly" have been knocked off their top spot as the UK's leading brand of dairy spread.

I can't believe they're not bitter.

My neighborhood barber got arrested this morning for dealing drugs. I'm utterly shocked. I've been his customer for years!

I had no idea he was a barber.

"When drums stop...very bad."

An English explorer was trekking through a remote jungle with a local wise man he had hired as a guide. Two days into their journey, far from civilization, they began to hear the faint, slow beating of drums in the distance.

*Dum. Dum. Dum. Dum.*

The Englishman said to the wise man, “I...

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There was a King who's Queen was horny af

She couldn't last a day without sex and was quite a seductress. He had no problems with this as she was super hot and she was always by her side but one day the king had to go to a nearby village to quell an uprising for a few days. There was nothing he could do to avoid it and taking the Queen with...

NASA was experimenting with animals in space.

Monkeys were an obvious choice, but they had no patience. Mice chewed all the cables, dogs were too stupid and chickens were always scared. It seemed the only animal that could cope with the intense stress of space travel was a chilled out alley cat.

After a few months of testing and training...

If some part of your job feels utterly pointless, remember

Putin campaigned for the 2018 elections.

An American politician attends a football game...

This was last season so the stadium was packed with fans, completely sold out. He's minding his own business, enjoying the game when, during the 2nd Quarter, he hears someone in a nearby section shouting, "Steve! Hey, Steve!"

The politician stands up, looks around, but doesn't see anyone he ...

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John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache

Had a case of cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"E...

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A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens t...

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Insurance

Three men are sitting on a bench in their fancy retirement community in Florida
Steve says: "I started with a men's clothing shop and built the business into the finest department store in town. One day there was a fire and it destroyed everything. Since I was too old to begin again, I took the i...

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A woman, about to undergo an IRS audit, asked her accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let them think you are a pauper".

Then she asked her legal counsel the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your finest attire".

Utterly confused at this point, she went to her rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of her dilemma. "Let me tell you...

A bus carrying many people crashed on an icy road, burst into flames, and everyone died

Upon arrival in heaven, God said, "Since you have died in a terrible way, I'll grant you one wish before I let you into heaven." The first woman, being a person always concerned on her looks, comes up to God and says "I wish to be beautiful." God grants her wish. The next person can’t decide on what...

The Ivory Throne of the King of Timbuktu

Hundreds of years ago, when glorious Timbuktu was nothing more than a large collection of grass huts, the King of that great city declared his wish for a throne fit for such a mighty ruler. Of ivory it was to be, exquisitely carved, inlaid with gold leaf, decorated with diamonds and emeralds and sap...

on a nice summer evening, Paul, Jim and Harold went fishing at the lake.

Suddenly, Paul starts struggling and pulling.

"That's gotta be a big one!", he says.

With a strong tug, however, Paul is pulled from his feet and falls in.

After a minute, he hasn't resurfaced, leaving the other 2 men utterly confused.

"Maybe we should pull him out", Haro...

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Cow Jokes

What do u call a cow with 4 legs? A cow

What do you call a cow with 3 legs? Tri-tip

What do u call a cow with 2 legs? Lean Meat

What do you call a cow with 1 leg? Steak

What do u call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef

Where do you find a cow with no legs?
R...

A village is being terrorized by a man eating tiger.

All the villagers' efforts to catch this tiger have been in vain. They call an acclaimed hunter "One shot Bob" who is so named because rumor has it that he can disable or kill any animal with just one shot.

So the hunter arrives, all smug and self assured. He prepares for the hunt and perch...

Ukrainian mother-in-law joke

The morning after the wedding, the newlywed couple is sitting at the kitchen table when they are joined by the bride's mother. The husband, still slightly drunk from last night, decides that now is the proper time to display his manly authority.

He starts by calmly issuing his demands. "For b...

A New Gadget

“Bob came home looking utterly wretched and buried his head in his hands.

“I’ve been sacked,” he told his wife.

“After 35 years of doing the same job, day in, day out, I have been replaced by an electronic gadget the size of a flashlight.

And the awful thing is,” he continued, “...

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An out of work pianist with Tourette's Syndrome was strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one sunny afternoon....

An out of work pianist with Tourette's Syndrome was strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one sunny afternoon.

Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window: 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.

"Fucking get in there you cunt!" he says to himself...

I was once so broke and down on my luck...

I didn't even own a pair of shoes.

I thought my life was utterly bleak until I seen a man with no feet and I thought to myself
"I bet this guy has a pair of shoes he doesn't need"

One night, a Boston police officer knocked on a woman's door.

"Ma'am", he said, removing his hat, "I'm here about your husband. We have bad and good news".

"Please, give me the bad news first", the woman replies.

The officer replied: "I'm sorry, but somone stabbed your husband, cut his skin off and threw his corpse in the harbor."

The woma...

Parker seeks the help of International Rescue for something out of the ordinary...

"You have to help me, Mr. Tracy. It's Lady Penelope. She has gone crazy! "

"Gone crazy, Parker? What do you mean by that?"

"It's her drinking....She cannot restrain herself. Every evening for five months she's been in the bar, drinking heavily, disturbing everybody and being utterly un...

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God noticed that Adam was lonely

God came up with a solution.

God explained to Adam that he would create a partner for him.

And God said on to Adam, “Adam my son, I have noticed you are a bit lonely so I thought of how to help you with that.”

Curiously Adam asked, “What did you have in mind my lord?”

Go...

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A man with "Manchurian Dick"

A man came home from Thailand after a few weeks there. One of his biggest motivations for going there was the prostitutes, spending his whole vacation screwing, he was very concerned about his penis. It was turning colours and was very painful. He gets it checked by visiting his family doctor. The m...

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A joke from India

Translated from Hindi:

There is a queue outside the bank where people are waiting to get in and exchange currency. One chap keeps cutting the queue and goes to the front. The rest of the people keep forcing him back.

This goes on 5-6 times. The guy finally gets pissed and says

'...

You know what I hate?

People who answer their own questions. Utterly despise them.

A farmer joke

A man is driving down the highway past a farm. He glances into the vast fields and sees a farmer screwing a sheep. He is utterly disgusted.

A minute later, he slams on his brakes and says, "That was horrible. I'm going to give that man a piece of my mind!" He turns around, and soon arrive...

A 17-year-old boy who works part time at Pizza Hut drives up to park in front of his house in a beautiful Porche

Naturally, his parents know that there’s no way he earned enough with his after-school job to buy such a car.
“Where did you get that car?” his mom and dad screamed in shock.

“I bought it today,” replied the teen calmly.

“With what money young man?” his mom demands. “We know how mu...

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