Depressing pickup lines.

Are you suicide?
Because I think about you every day.

Are you a toaster?
Because I really want to take a bath with you.

Are you a noose?
Because I really want to hang with you.

Are you a gravestone?
Because I really wish you were on top of me.

Are you anti-...

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Hitler commits suicide and appears in front of god

God:"You already know you're going to hell, but before that I'll give you one wish."

Hitler:"Alright, let me kill 10 million Jews and one Swedish man."

God:"Why the Swedish man?"

Hitler:"I knew you didn't give a fuck about the Jews."

Suicide jokes don't fly with most people

They hang

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A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide

The librarian said: “Fuck off, you won’t bring it back.”

My wife said she would rather commit suicide than have dementia

She said she would never want to place that burden on me..

I said, honey that's the fifth time you've told me that.

I called the Suicide helpline for assistance

Turns out they only help PREVENT suicide. Bah!

If your surprised that Jeffrey Epstein commited suicide this morning

Imagine how surprised he must have been.

Why is suicide illegal in china?

Destruction of state property

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I've never really understood it why would you become an Islamic suicide bomber on the off-chance you might get 72 virgins when you die.

Become a Catholic priest and get them now.

I Currently Teach a Class about Suicide

First Semester has been good so far, I Single Handedly Prevented the entire class from having suicidal thoughts or actually going through with it.

I Promised the class that I would do a suicide demonstration to show the perspective of a dead person. Ill be posting my experience in a few minut...

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I can never get anything right. Yesterday I attempted suicide.

My wife left for work. I went into the garage, sealed the windows and doors.
Started my car, let it run.
I sat in my lawn chair and closed my eyes. After eight hours, nothing. I felt the same. I was soo pissed off I shut of my Tesla and went back inside.

Depression/suicide jokes are basically yo mama jokes of our generation — they're lazy, unfunny and useless

Just like me

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A terrorist on a suicide mission

So while the other terrorists were wrapping him with all kind of bombs they looked him in the eye and told him: you're going on a suicide mission so don't fail us. The terrorist replied: I'm prepared to die!!
And so they sent him to the city and he goes to a school and he calls the base: should I...

What did the programmer’s suicide note say?

“Goodbye world”

A suicide bomber instructor says to his trainees

“Alright men, I’m only going to show you this once”

A guy was wondering what being a suicide bomber was like..

So I told him, “C4 yourself”

Multiplying by zero is just suicide in math: you don’t really get a solution, but the problem goes away.

Shower thoughts didn't like it, but maybe you will

I've realized that suicide would solve all my problems....

...if I could just get the right people to try it.

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Tried committing suicide last night...

Never doing that shit again, I almost killed myself!

What's a suicide bombers worst fear?

Dying alone...

What was the last thing the Australian suicide bomber was overheard saying?

Tadie’s tha die ta die.

What were Epstein's last words before he committed suicide?

Please don't kill me!

It was on this day in 1978 that cult leader Jim Jones carried out a mass murder/suicide of over 900 of his followers in Jonestown, Guyana. Horrifying. There's a joke about it but it's wildly innappriopriate.

And anyway, the punchline's too long.

Q: Where do suicide bombers go after they die?

A: Everywhere

I worked for the suicide hotline once, but it was a disaster.

Five people called me on the first day, and they all killed themselves.
And three of those were wrong numbers.

BREAKING NEWS: The president was found in his office after trying to commit suicide, his statement:

"Fake noose."

When is the best time to commit suicide?

Ate a glock in the morning.

Why don't libraries offer books on suicide?

Because they're never returned

A suicide bombing instructor addresses a group of new recruits.

"All right lads pay attention cos I'm only gonna show you this once"

Why was the French chef contemplating suicide?

Because he'd lost the *huile d'olive.*

I started dating a suicide bomber.

Edit: Well, this blew up quick!

Suprised that Epstine commited suicide?

So was he!

I want to learn more about suicide..

But I’m having trouble finding a jumping off point.

Ya know, if you believe in reincarnation, suicide is a temporary solution to a permanent problem

anyways, the hotline asked me not to come back

(DARK) Where does a suicide bomber go after they commit their crime

Everywhere

My mum told me to stop telling the suicidal jokes.

I replied with: "Don't worry, suicide would be the last thing I'd do."

The last batch of suicide bombers were very tight knit.

They used to sing together, dance together, laugh together. True brethren. At the end they had a blast doing their job.

The only person that keeps me from commiting suicide

is that guy instantly upvoting anything I post.

Did you hear about the gamer who commit suicide while playing?

It was a first-person shooter.

Suicide is never the answer

It is the question and the answer is yes

They: "Don't you think you'll feel embarrassed by all your suicide jokes when you get older?"

Me: "When I what?"

What do you call a suicide bomber in his fifties?

A Boomer.

What did the suicide bomber say to the other suicide bomber?

I bet you don't have the guts to do that again.

What's the best part about arriving late to a suicide party?

There's no punch line.

Suicide jokes are like bleach.

They don't go down well.

What do suicide and game of thrones have in common?

They both don’t end well.

If I wanted to commit suicide...

I would climb up to your ego and jump down to your IQ.

Why did the chicken commit suicide?

To get to the other side.

I'm not worried about Muslim suicide bombers. They can only attack once.

*Hindu* suicide bombers on the other hand...

Police found a man dead, hanging from the rafters, in an apparent suicide.

Inside the pocket of his trousers was a note explaining the reasoning behind his suicide. The note explained that he lead a straight edge life style and that he was suffering from PTSD for three months, ever since his friends forced him to smoke weed with them.

He was unable to handle the st...

Why don't suicide cults exist anymore?

They died out

The last thing the suicide bomber said to his friends....

I'm going out to smoke.

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Why aren't there Christian suicide bombers?

Because they understand with 20 virgins come 20 mother in law's

I hate to break it to you, but it doesn't matter if Epstein committed suicide. If those cases had ever gone to court -

- it would have been a hung jury.

I once wrote a very creative and detailed suicide note....

Now I've got a #1 country music song in the U.S.

If you are surprised that Jeffrey Epstein commited suicide

Imagine how surprised he might have been.

About 70 Percent of the suicide rate is male, Why?

Till death do us part.

I called a suicide hotline in Afghanistan

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

What do you call surfing terrorists who commit suicide bombings?

Radical

A suicide bomber instructor addressing his class said.....

"Alright everyone, watch me closely because I'm only going to do this once"

I was pretty excited when I heard Logan Paul went into a suicide forest

A little upset to find out he came back

Our country needs a moment of silence. President Trump has just committed suicide.

Oh wait no he didn’t, just fake noose.

Its not the Islamic suicide bombers you need to worry about...

Its the Buddhist ones - they keep coming back!

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A man wants to commit suicide because he only has one leg

As he wants to jump out of a roof and looks down, he sees a man with no arms that is dancing and jumping around and looks happy. He gets confused and wonders..."why is this guy that happy? Dancing with no arms?" He decides not to jump and goes to the guys and asks him:
"How can you be that happy?...

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A farmer wakes up to find that his favourite goat has died.

Since he loved that goat very deeply, he decided to jump into the river by his house and commit suicide. Soon after, his wife woke up, and after discovering what had happened, she too followed in his steps and jumped into the river.

Their younger son woke up to find both of his parents dead,...

My wife left me for another man.

All that lies ahead now is a miserable, pointless life, with suicide seemingly the only way out.
And while he's going through all that, I'll be in the pub with my mates every night.

So sad to hear about Ghislaine Maxwell's tragic suicide ...

Oh wait, that's tomorrow, right?

How did the philosopher commit suicide?

He jumped in front of a train of thought.

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why did hitler commit suicide

he saw the gas bill

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When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I
decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was
an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suici...

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A carpenter, commits suicide over penis insecurity...

Always measured twice and cut once

What does Hillary Clinton day when she calls the suicide hotline?

“Hello, I’d like to place an order”

Did you know that dolphins can commit suicide

On porpoise?

I witnessed a suicide. [OC]

I was hiking up a fairly large hill, could be considered a small mountain, that had a steep cliff near the top. I saw a man standing there with a noose tied around his neck, the other end was tied to the cliff.

I told him that he shouldn't do it, theres more to life than this. He started clim...

How can you tell if being a suicide bomber really guarantees you blessings in the afterlife?

You have to C4 yourself

BREAKING: The President's recent suicide attempt failed last night when the rope broke. His statement:

"Fake noose."

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I knew a guy who committed suicide by furiously masturbating until he ripped his dick from his body.

To be honest, I'm surprised he pulled it off.

I learnt a boring fact about Kamikaze

Its just plain suicide

I called the Iranian suicide hot line...

And they asked if I could fly a plane.

A suicide bomber blew up his own house..

Took work from home very seriously.

Ice Cream Suicide

Last week a body was discovered in the back of an ice cream van in my neighbourhood. It was the the driver, and he was covered in hundreds and thousands, suger stars and chocolate flakes. Seems he must have topped himself.

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In ancient Japan, failures would commit ritual suicide to restore their honor

In modern America they tell jokes on reddit

How do you know when a Muppet is reaching out for help?

When they say they’re going to kermit suicide.

Investing in an assisted suicide centre has its pros and cons

The service is non-refundable but there are no repeat customers

BREAKING NEWS.. Isis suicide bomber has killed 78

of his family in his two bedroom flat. He had taken government advice and was working from home

Suicide bombing is one of my favorite pastimes.

Once you try it, you'll never go back.

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