UPJOKE
deathmental illnesskamikazedepressionkillhomicideseppukualcoholismbipolar disorderschizophreniafelo-de-sekillerkillingmurderassassination

The only person that keeps me from commiting suicide

is that guy instantly upvoting anything I post.

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Hitler commits suicide and appears in front of god

God:"You already know you're going to hell, but before that I'll give you one wish."

Hitler:"Alright, let me kill 10 million Jews and one Swedish man."

God:"Why the Swedish man?"

Hitler:"I knew you didn't give a fuck about the Jews."

Suicide jokes don't fly with most people

They hang

My mum told me to stop telling the suicidal jokes.

I replied with: "Don't worry, suicide would be the last thing I'd do."

When is the best time to commit suicide?

Ate a glock in the morning.

Suicide is not a joke, get help

You can pay someone to shoot you

I've realized that suicide would solve all my problems....

...if I could just get the right people to try it.

Depression/suicide jokes are basically yo mama jokes of our generation — they're lazy, unfunny and useless

Just like me

Suicide?

That's the last thing I'd ever do.

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Tried committing suicide last night...

Never doing that shit again, I almost killed myself!

If you call the suicide prevention line and they dont answer what you do?

You hang up

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A suicide bomb instructor is training a class.

Ok!! Everybody! Pay very close attention now! I can only demonstrate this once!!!

My wife said to me "If I ever get Alzheimers I would commit suicide rather than burdening you with me"

I said "Thats the fifth time you've said that today"

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a beautiful woman is on the ledge of a bridge about to commit suicide

a homeless man walks by her and says
"what are you doing?"

she says "im going to jump!"


the homeless man says
"if youre going to kill yourself, do you wanna have sex with me first?"

the woman replies "no way creep! never that!"

the homeless man doesn't se...

I was pretty excited when I heard Logan Paul went into a suicide forest

A little upset to find out he came back

Dave got a new job at the suicide hotline.

The manager shows him to his desk and Dave has a seat.

The manager says, "Remember! Your job is to make sure that the person at the other end of the line does not kill himself, no matter what! That's the one thing you have to do!"

Dave says "No problem! I will do exactly what you just ...

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I can never get anything right. Yesterday I attempted suicide.

My wife left for work. I went into the garage, sealed the windows and doors.
Started my car, let it run.
I sat in my lawn chair and closed my eyes. After eight hours, nothing. I felt the same. I was soo pissed off I shut of my Tesla and went back inside.

Them: "don't you think you'll feel embarrassed by all your suicide jokes when you get older

Me "when I what? "

If your surprised that Jeffrey Epstein commited suicide this morning

Imagine how surprised he must have been.

What's suicide bombers' biggest fear?

Dying alone

I think the suicide hotline is sponsored by Nike.

The representative told me "Just do it."

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I've never really understood it why would you become an Islamic suicide bomber on the off-chance you might get 72 virgins when you die.

Become a Catholic priest and get them now.

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A terrorist on a suicide mission

So while the other terrorists were wrapping him with all kind of bombs they looked him in the eye and told him: you're going on a suicide mission so don't fail us. The terrorist replied: I'm prepared to die!!
And so they sent him to the city and he goes to a school and he calls the base: should I...

Suicide booths are 50% off

Its a deal to die for.

When you make a suicide pact with someone, NEVER offer to go first.

Trust me. I’ve done like five of them.

I can't believe the suicide hotline put my cousin on hold.

They left him hanging.

I accidentally dialed a suicide hotline in Saudi Arabia.

The first question they asked was if I knew how to fly a plane.

A student was standing at the edge of the roof of his school and was about jump off and commit suicide.

Suddenly from the school grounds his physics teacher yells to him, "Don't jump, you've got lots of potential!"

Hey girl, are you suicide?

'Cause I think of you everyday.

An old man was walking on a park adjoining the cliff famous for suicide and saw a young woman standing at the edge contemplating suicide

He approached her.

She: "Dont come near me!!"

Old man :" Since you are anyway going to die,why cant you make this old man happy with a quickie?"

She shrieked "Over my dead body,you filthy pervert"

Old man "Ok,if thats the case, I will walk down and wait for you at the bot...

Why is suicide illegal in China?

Destruction of government property

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3 brothers own a cow, which suddenly dies.

The cow being almost a part of their family and a major income source for the family, the 3 brothers become very heartbroken and decide to commit suicide in the river. So they approach the river and are almost about to jump in when a fairy comes out of the river.

Fairy: "If anyone of you is ...

I worked for the suicide hotline once, but it was a disaster.

Five people called me on the first day, and they all killed themselves.
And three of those were wrong numbers.

Ya know, if you believe in reincarnation, suicide is a temporary solution to a permanent problem

anyways, the hotline asked me not to come back

What do you call a suicide bomber in a wheelchair?

An RC-XD

Sorry for such dark humor lol

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident.

He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and do a lot of things that took two arms.

One day he had had it. He decided to commit suicide and went to the top of a building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down when he saw a man skipping along, whistli...

I got fired from my job at the suicide hotline

Apparently they aren't familiar with the reverse psychology approach

I tried to make a suicide joke

The room was dead silent

How do you call a suicide bomber with Tourette’s?

A ticking time bomb

I called a suicide hotline in Afghanistan

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

At the border controls between the US and Mexico two U.S. border agents discover a hanged suicide on a tree just before closing time.

"If we report this, we won't be home in four hours," says one.

"You know what?" says the other, "we'll just hang him over to the Mexicans and call it a day!" No sooner said than done.

A short time later, two Mexican border guards come by. One of them says in amazement, "Now he's hang...

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A suicide bomber went to heaven.

The Angel at the front desk greeted him.

"Hi, welcome. There are 72 very horny virgins waiting for you!"

"I knew it! said the bomber. "Bring me the women!"

The Angel smiled.

"Who mentioned women?"

A despondent young woman who had lost her job and her house had decided to commit suicide.

She was walking along a bridge across the harbor, getting the nerve to jump in, when a young man saw her.

"Don't do it!" he called out. He looked at her and realized she was incredibly beautiful. He came closer.

"What's wrong?" he asked. The woman told him.

"Okay, here's the thi...

What did they say about the artist who completed suicide by jumping off a building?

Well, at least they finally made an impact on the world.

The Suicide prevention hotline in my country is truly a life saver.

I waited for a long time for them to pick up, I fell asleep and woke up without sucidal thoughts.

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A man goes into a library and asks the librarian for a book on suicide…

The librarian responds, “Fuck off! You won’t bring it back.”

It was on this day in 1978 that cult leader Jim Jones carried out a mass murder/suicide of over 900 of his followers in Jonestown, Guyana. Horrifying. There's a joke about it but it's wildly innappriopriate.

And anyway, the punchline's too long.

I moved here about 13 years ago from Seattle, Washington. I left a city that has a high suicide rate for a city that has a high homicide rate.

I guess I’m just not a ‘do-it-yourself’ kind of person.

How do you make an Italian, into a suicide bomber?

#Rigatoni!

She was what we used to call a suicide blonde

dyed by her own hand.

Where do suicide bombers go when they die?

Everywhere!

Why did Henri Lautrec contemplate suicide?

Thought he had nothing else Toulouse.

An old woman decided she’s had enough of life and wanted to commit suicide…

… She decided she was going to shoot herself in the heart. So she calls her doctor and asks him “doctor, where is the heart located in the body?”

“Just below your left breast” the doctor tells her.

“Thanks” she says, and shoot’s herself in the knee.

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What would a suicide bomber die for?

A blowjob

What is the common thing between an entrepreneur and a suicide bomber ?

Do the job well on first try and they are set for life.

Suicide stop

Back on June 9th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who...

Are suicide bombers taught properly how to fly or...

Are they just given a quick crash course?

A suicide bomber training his new recruits:

"Okay, pay attention, I'm only going to show you this once"

A terrorist commander is interviewing for a suicide bomber position...

"So good news-there is a sudden vacancy. We couldn't track down any of your recs, which is great. I just have one final question-where do you see yourself in the \*glances at watch\* next five minutes?"

Why do Gardeners commit suicide?

Because the grass is always greener on *the other side.*

Inflation in the US is so bad right now that…

- My friend received a predeclined credit card in the mail.
- CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
- Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
- McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
- Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
- Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned ...

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When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I ...

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Breaking News: Elderly nuns commit suicide by viagra overdose

Old habits die hard.

Did you hear about the blonde who tried to commit suicide

She sat in her running car

And closed the garage

It was her new Tesla

The problem with suicide jokes

Is they end abruptly

What do you call a Murder suicide case?

Round 2

A woman in her 90s calls her doctor and asks:

"Doctor, where is the heart?"

To which the doctor replies: "it is at the height of your left nipple"

The elderly woman thanks the man and ends the call.

A new day arrives and the doctor reads the headline of his newspaper

"Elderly woman wants to commit suicide, shoots he...

Oh, you´re surprised Jeff Epstein committed suicide?

Imagine how surprised Jeff must have been.

My Dad sent me this on Facebook, which means it’s almost guaranteed to be a repost. I touched it up a bit, but here you go: The Worst Day Ever

There I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink, when a large, troublemaking biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink, and gulps it down in one swig. "Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says menacingly.

I burst into tears. "This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a comple...

Why did the French chef commit suicide?

He lost the huile d’olive

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I don't see why you would become an Islamic fundamentalist suicide bomber on the off chance that when you die you get 72 virgins.

Just become a Catholic priest and get them now.

(DARK) Where does a suicide bomber go after they commit their crime

Everywhere

How do homeopaths do suicide?

With a fatal underdose.

How do you know a blonde has been trying to commit suicide?

There are bullet holes in the mirror.

Is your nickname suicide?

Because I can't stop thinking about you.

A guy threatens to jump off the balcony of a penthouse bar

As the crowd gathers around, a regular sitting at the bar turns to the guy next to him and says “Fifty bucks he doesn’t do it.”

Lo and behold the man falls to his death, and the regular pays up.

The following day, the bar TV broadcasts the man who committed suicide on the news. The reg...

How did the philosopher commit political suicide?

He jumped out of the Overton window.

What do you call a russian suicide bommer?

A kommiekaze!

why don’t libraries have books about suicide?

They don’t get returned.

BREAKING NEWS: The president was found in his office after trying to commit suicide, his statement:

"Fake noose."

An old farmer in the olden days committed suicide in the most generic way possible

It was just a run off the mill suicide.

What do Eminem and Suicide bombers have in common?

they only get one shot

How can you tell if being a suicide bomber really guarantees you blessings in the afterlife?

You have to C4 yourself

What does a Russian FSB agent say when he found a Oligarch shot 13 times?

Worst case of suicide I've ever seen

A peach murder-suicides his wife and children…

Three days later, a pineapple detective arrives to the crime scene and begins to observe the deteriorated remains of the family.

Pineapple says, “well that’s just the pits.”

I’m a suicidal perfectionist…

No matter how many drafts of my suicide note I write, I just can’t seem to end it.

Unfortunately my father committed suicide a few years ago now

He sadly hung himself.. but there is an upside - He went out swinging!

Get support for yourself or other people

If you’d like to talk to someone, confidential mental health support is free and available 24/7.

**Inside the U.S.**

* Crisis Text Line: Text CHAT to 741741
* Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: Call or text 988

**If you’re outside the U.S.**

* [Find resources in your locat...

3 Scotsmen

Sitting on the Firth of Fourth road bridge about to commit suicide by jumping into the raging waters 100s of feet below.
First one says to the guy next to him: Why are you going to jump?
He says: My wife makes me the same lunch sandwich every day - cheese and pickles - and I hate both. I can’...

Why did the dolphin commit suicide?

He thought his life had no porpoise

George R.R. Martin (OC)

I met George R.R. Martin at a book signing a while back. It was very early in the morning and there weren’t that many people around, so I actually had the opportunity to chat with him a bit. I told him I’m a huge fan of his works, and that he’s always been an idol of mine, and that he inspired me to...

A beautiful young woman is standing at the edge of a pier in New York City, debating jumping in and drowning herself

A sailor passing by sees her and yells, "Lady! Don't jump! I don't know what the problem is, but it's certainly nothing worth killing yourself over!"

She tells the sailor, "I've just been so depressed with my life. Nothing I try works and everything ends in failure. I don't see the point in g...

I just read about a group of suicide bombers that were dressed like clowns.

It's a really messed up story, but credit where credit's due...at least someone's trying to put the fun back in fundamentalism

A suicide bombing instructor addresses a group of new recruits.

"All right lads pay attention cos I'm only gonna show you this once"

What did the suicide bomber instructor say to the students ?

Right, I’m only gonna tell you this once

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