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Hitler commits suicide and appears in front of god

God:"You already know you're going to hell, but before that I'll give you one wish."

Hitler:"Alright, let me kill 10 million Jews and one Swedish man."

God:"Why the Swedish man?"

Hitler:"I knew you didn't give a fuck about the Jews."

The only person that keeps me from commiting suicide

is that guy instantly upvoting anything I post.

My mum told me to stop telling the suicidal jokes.

I replied with: "Don't worry, suicide would be the last thing I'd do."

Suicide jokes don't fly with most people

They hang

Depression/suicide jokes are basically yo mama jokes of our generation — they're lazy, unfunny and useless

Just like me

My wife said to me "If I ever get Alzheimers I would commit suicide rather than burdening you with me"

I said "Thats the fifth time you've said that today"

When is the best time to commit suicide?

Ate a glock in the morning.

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I can never get anything right. Yesterday I attempted suicide.

My wife left for work. I went into the garage, sealed the windows and doors.
Started my car, let it run.
I sat in my lawn chair and closed my eyes. After eight hours, nothing. I felt the same. I was soo pissed off I shut of my Tesla and went back inside.

I called a suicide hotline in Iraq.....

They got excited and asked if I can drive a truck!

Suicide?

That's the last thing I'd ever do.

Suicide is not a joke, get help

You can pay someone to shoot you

If your surprised that Jeffrey Epstein commited suicide this morning

Imagine how surprised he must have been.

I started dating a suicide bomber.

Edit: Well, this blew up quick!

I've realized that suicide would solve all my problems....

...if I could just get the right people to try it.

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a beautiful woman is on the ledge of a bridge about to commit suicide

a homeless man walks by her and says
"what are you doing?"

she says "im going to jump!"


the homeless man says
"if youre going to kill yourself, do you wanna have sex with me first?"

the woman replies "no way creep! never that!"

the homeless man doesn't se...

Why did the chicken commit suicide?

To get to the other side.

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Tried committing suicide last night...

Never doing that shit again, I almost killed myself!

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A suicide bomb instructor is training a class.

Ok!! Everybody! Pay very close attention now! I can only demonstrate this once!!!

I was pretty excited when I heard Logan Paul went into a suicide forest

A little upset to find out he came back

A student was standing at the edge of the roof of his school and was about jump off and commit suicide.

Suddenly from the school grounds his physics teacher yells to him, "Don't jump, you've got lots of potential!"

What were Epstein's last words before he committed suicide?

Please don't kill me!

I'm not worried about Muslim suicide bombers. They can only attack once.

*Hindu* suicide bombers on the other hand...

It was on this day in 1978 that cult leader Jim Jones carried out a mass murder/suicide of over 900 of his followers in Jonestown, Guyana. Horrifying. There's a joke about it but it's wildly innappriopriate.

And anyway, the punchline's too long.

Whats at the end of every programmers suicide note?

“Goodbye World”

Where do suicide bombers go when they die?

Everywhere.

A 90 year old woman decided to commit suicide.

She wanted to shoot herself in the heart but she wasn’t sure exactly where it was located on her body so she called the doctor and asked where her heart was. He told her it was directly under her left breast. So she shot her kneecap off.

When you make a suicide pact with someone, NEVER offer to go first.

Trust me. I’ve done like five of them.

I accidentally dialed a suicide hotline in Saudi Arabia.

The first question they asked was if I knew how to fly a plane.

A peach murder-suicides his wife and children…

Three days later, a pineapple detective arrives to the crime scene and begins to observe the deteriorated remains of the family.

Pineapple says, “well that’s just the pits.”

Why is suicide illegal in China?

Destruction of government property

What is a suicide bomber's greatest fear?

Dying alone

If you call the suicide prevention line and they dont answer what you do?

You hang up

Are suicide bombers taught properly how to fly or...

Are they just given a quick crash course?

I worked for the suicide hotline once, but it was a disaster.

Five people called me on the first day, and they all killed themselves.
And three of those were wrong numbers.

I want to learn more about suicide..

But I’m having trouble finding a jumping off point.

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A terrorist on a suicide mission

So while the other terrorists were wrapping him with all kind of bombs they looked him in the eye and told him: you're going on a suicide mission so don't fail us. The terrorist replied: I'm prepared to die!!
And so they sent him to the city and he goes to a school and he calls the base: should I...

The last batch of suicide bombers were very tight knit.

They used to sing together, dance together, laugh together. True brethren. At the end they had a blast doing their job.

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A man walked into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide

The librarian turned around and said “fuck off you won’t bring it back”

Derek Chauvin didn’t commit suicide

Sorry, just practicing

I’m a suicidal perfectionist…

No matter how many drafts of my suicide note I write, I just can’t seem to end it.

What do you call jokes that a suicide bomber finds funny?

Boomer Humor

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When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I ...

I heard millenials like suicide jokes.

So I've been dying to make one.

BREAKING NEWS: The president was found in his office after trying to commit suicide, his statement:

"Fake noose."

A suicide bomber instructor says to his trainees

“Alright men, I’m only going to show you this once”

What do you call a russian suicide bommer?

A kommiekaze!

Suicide stop

Back on June 9th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who...

What do you call an exhibitionist suicide bomber?

A flash bang

What do Eminem and Suicide bombers have in common?

they only get one shot

How do homeopaths do suicide?

With a fatal underdose.

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I'll never understand why religious extremists become suicide bombers in order to get 72 virgins when they die.

Just become a Catholic priest and get them now.

Why did the dolphin commit suicide?

He thought his life had no porpoise

Scottish Trade

A guy walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,

"Excuse me Miss, day ye harv eni books on suicide?"

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses, and says,

"Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!"

Why did the French chef commit suicide?

He lost the huile d’olive

Ya know, if you believe in reincarnation, suicide is a temporary solution to a permanent problem

anyways, the hotline asked me not to come back

I once wrote a very creative and detailed suicide note....

Now I've got a #1 country music song in the U.S.

I just read about a group of suicide bombers that were dressed like clowns.

It's a really messed up story, but credit where credit's due...at least someone's trying to put the fun back in fundamentalism

A Mexican man was found dead at the bottom of a lake.

He was tied up, had chains wrapped around him, and had seven bullet wounds.

When the local sheriff was asked what had happened, the sheriff replied, “It is truly the worst damn case of suicide I’ve ever seen.”

Suprised that Epstine commited suicide?

So was he!

Them: "don't you think you'll feel embarrassed by all your suicide jokes when you get older

Me "when I what? "

Get a job

A young man in a small town graduates from high school. His father comes to him that evening and tells him “Son, you’re a man now. You need to start contributing to this household. Go get a job.”

The young man is rightfully concerned. Work prospects in his town are slim. The only jobs availab...

What did the physicist write in his suicide note before he jumped off a tall building?

I had so much potential, but i let it all down

A suicide bombing instructor addresses a group of new recruits.

"All right lads pay attention cos I'm only gonna show you this once"

Unfortunately my father committed suicide a few years ago now

He sadly hung himself.. but there is an upside - He went out swinging!

I've got awful commitment issues

I couldn't commit to a suicide attempt to save my life

The last thing the suicide bomber said to his friends....

I'm going out to smoke.

Why don't suicide cults exist anymore?

They died out

What's the best part about arriving late to a suicide party?

There's no punch line.

About 70 Percent of the suicide rate is male, Why?

Till death do us part.

If I wanted to commit suicide...

I would climb up to your ego and jump down to your IQ.

A suicide bomber instructor addressing his class said.....

"Alright everyone, watch me closely because I'm only going to do this once"

What was the last thing the Australian suicide bomber was overheard saying?

Tadie’s tha die ta die.

What did the suicide bomber instructor say to the students ?

Right, I’m only gonna tell you this once

A joke my late grandad used to tell me

2 men, Mr. Kent and Mr. Olsen are on the roof of a 20 story building. Mr. Kent turns to Mr. Olsen and says "The great thing about this building is that they've rigged it to prevent suicides". Mr. Olsen asks how and Mr. Kent says "If anyone jumps off the roof, something in the building pulls you in t...

It was a dark time on the street.

War had come to Sesame Street. Big Bird lay bleeding with a piece of shrapnel sticking out of his side. As he lay there. Oscar the grouch came over to speak with him.
Oscar: How are you doing general bird?
Big Bird: Never mind that now commander what is the letter and number of the day?
Osc...

Man was reading his wife's suicide note

Then he thought he could be a wonderful writer

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I don't see why you would become an Islamic fundamentalist suicide bomber on the off chance that when you die you get 72 virgins.

Just become a Catholic priest and get them now.

If you are surprised that Jeffrey Epstein commited suicide

Imagine how surprised he might have been.

Boss hired a secretary

10 days later the Boss *committed suicide* by jumping from his 27th floor office...

Police : Who was there at that time in the room ?


Secretary : I was there.


Police :What happened ? Why did he commit suicide ?


Secretary :He was a good man. One day he bought ...

why don’t libraries have books about suicide?

They don’t get returned.

What do suicide and game of thrones have in common?

They both don’t end well.

How do you know a blonde has been trying to commit suicide?

There are bullet holes in the mirror.

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A guy dies and suddenly finds himself in Hell...

He trepidatiously follows the crowd towards the Gates of Hell. He finds a demon holding a piece of cardboard with his name on it.

"Craig?," asks the demon as the man approaches.

"Y... yes," answers Craig, unsure of how to handle the situation.

"Hi. I'm Ed. I know what you're thi...

What does Hillary Clinton day when she calls the suicide hotline?

“Hello, I’d like to place an order”

I've been googling "how to kill myself" and all that's showing up are suicide prevention sites

I'm like how is this good SEO?

I hate to break it to you, but it doesn't matter if Epstein committed suicide. If those cases had ever gone to court -

- it would have been a hung jury.

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