The only person that keeps me from commiting suicide

is that guy instantly upvoting anything I post.

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Hitler commits suicide and appears in front of god

God:"You already know you're going to hell, but before that I'll give you one wish."

Hitler:"Alright, let me kill 10 million Jews and one Swedish man."

God:"Why the Swedish man?"

Hitler:"I knew you didn't give a fuck about the Jews."

Suicide jokes don't fly with most people

They hang

My mum told me to stop telling the suicidal jokes.

I replied with: "Don't worry, suicide would be the last thing I'd do."

Depression/suicide jokes are basically yo mama jokes of our generation — they're lazy, unfunny and useless

Just like me

When is the best time to commit suicide?

Ate a glock in the morning.

Suicide?

That's the last thing I'd ever do.

Suicide is not a joke, get help

You can pay someone to shoot you

I've realized that suicide would solve all my problems....

...if I could just get the right people to try it.

I started dating a suicide bomber.

Edit: Well, this blew up quick!

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a beautiful woman is on the ledge of a bridge about to commit suicide

a homeless man walks by her and says
"what are you doing?"

she says "im going to jump!"


the homeless man says
"if youre going to kill yourself, do you wanna have sex with me first?"

the woman replies "no way creep! never that!"

the homeless man doesn't se...

If your surprised that Jeffrey Epstein commited suicide this morning

Imagine how surprised he must have been.

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Tried committing suicide last night...

Never doing that shit again, I almost killed myself!

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I can never get anything right. Yesterday I attempted suicide.

My wife left for work. I went into the garage, sealed the windows and doors.
Started my car, let it run.
I sat in my lawn chair and closed my eyes. After eight hours, nothing. I felt the same. I was soo pissed off I shut of my Tesla and went back inside.

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A suicide bomb instructor is training a class.

Ok!! Everybody! Pay very close attention now! I can only demonstrate this once!!!

If you call the suicide prevention line and they dont answer what you do?

You hang up

I was pretty excited when I heard Logan Paul went into a suicide forest

A little upset to find out he came back

Why did the chicken commit suicide?

To get to the other side.

Why is suicide illegal in China?

Destruction of government property

A student was standing at the edge of the roof of his school and was about jump off and commit suicide.

Suddenly from the school grounds his physics teacher yells to him, "Don't jump, you've got lots of potential!"

What were Epstein's last words before he committed suicide?

Please don't kill me!

It was on this day in 1978 that cult leader Jim Jones carried out a mass murder/suicide of over 900 of his followers in Jonestown, Guyana. Horrifying. There's a joke about it but it's wildly innappriopriate.

And anyway, the punchline's too long.

Dave got a new job at the suicide hotline.

The manager shows him to his desk and Dave has a seat.

The manager says, "Remember! Your job is to make sure that the person at the other end of the line does not kill himself, no matter what! That's the one thing you have to do!"

Dave says "No problem! I will do exactly what you just ...

A 90 year old woman decided to commit suicide.

She wanted to shoot herself in the heart but she wasn’t sure exactly where it was located on her body so she called the doctor and asked where her heart was. He told her it was directly under her left breast. So she shot her kneecap off.

Them: "don't you think you'll feel embarrassed by all your suicide jokes when you get older

Me "when I what? "

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A terrorist on a suicide mission

So while the other terrorists were wrapping him with all kind of bombs they looked him in the eye and told him: you're going on a suicide mission so don't fail us. The terrorist replied: I'm prepared to die!!
And so they sent him to the city and he goes to a school and he calls the base: should I...

My wife said to me "If I ever get Alzheimer's I would commit suicide rather than burdening you with me"

I said "That's the fifth time you've said that today"

When you make a suicide pact with someone, NEVER offer to go first.

Trust me. I’ve done like five of them.

Suicide booths are 50% off

Its a deal to die for.

How does a Pokemon trainer commit suicide?

Escape rope.

What's suicide bombers' biggest fear?

Dying alone

A peach murder-suicides his wife and children…

Three days later, a pineapple detective arrives to the crime scene and begins to observe the deteriorated remains of the family.

Pineapple says, “well that’s just the pits.”

I worked for the suicide hotline once, but it was a disaster.

Five people called me on the first day, and they all killed themselves.
And three of those were wrong numbers.

I want to learn more about suicide..

But I’m having trouble finding a jumping off point.

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A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide.

The librarian said: "fuck off, you won't bring it back"

Hey girl, are you suicide?

'Cause I think of you everyday.

What do you call a Murder suicide case?

Round 2

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3 brothers own a cow, which suddenly dies.

The cow being almost a part of their family and a major income source for the family, the 3 brothers become very heartbroken and decide to commit suicide in the river. So they approach the river and are almost about to jump in when a fairy comes out of the river.

Fairy: "If anyone of you is ...

I accidentally dialed a suicide hotline in Saudi Arabia.

The first question they asked was if I knew how to fly a plane.

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As a preteen, all I wanted was a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I ...

Are suicide bombers taught properly how to fly or...

Are they just given a quick crash course?

A suicide bomber instructor says to his trainees

“Alright men, I’m only going to show you this once”

called a suicide hotline in Iraq

they got excited and asked if I could drive a truck

Where do suicide bombers go when they die?

Everywhere.

The problem with suicide jokes

Is they end abruptly

At the border controls between the US and Mexico two U.S. border agents discover a hanged suicide on a tree just before closing time.

"If we report this, we won't be home in four hours," says one.

"You know what?" says the other, "we'll just hang him over to the Mexicans and call it a day!" No sooner said than done.

A short time later, two Mexican border guards come by. One of them says in amazement, "Now he's hang...

I moved here about 13 years ago from Seattle, Washington. I left a city that has a high suicide rate for a city that has a high homicide rate.

I guess I’m just not a ‘do-it-yourself’ kind of person.

I’m a suicidal perfectionist…

No matter how many drafts of my suicide note I write, I just can’t seem to end it.

What do you call jokes that a suicide bomber finds funny?

Boomer Humor

Ya know, if you believe in reincarnation, suicide is a temporary solution to a permanent problem

anyways, the hotline asked me not to come back

Why don't suicide cults exist anymore?

They died out

Get support for yourself or other people

If you’d like to talk to someone, confidential mental health support is free and available 24/7.

**Inside the U.S.**

* Crisis Text Line: Text CHAT to 741741
* National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 800-273-8255

**If you’re outside the U.S.**

* [Find resources in your loc...

What is the common thing between an entrepreneur and a suicide bomber ?

Do the job well on first try and they are set for life.

George R.R. Martin (OC)

I met George R.R. Martin at a book signing a while back. It was very early in the morning and there weren’t that many people around, so I actually had the opportunity to chat with him a bit. I told him I’m a huge fan of his works, and that he’s always been an idol of mine, and that he inspired me to...

Recently someone asked me what’s the hardest thing I’ve done in college.

I answered “contemplate suicide”. I saw they weren’t laughing so I quickly corrected and said “about 9 inches”. Needless to say my mother didn’t appreciate that answer either.

How do homeopaths do suicide?

With a fatal underdose.

What do you call 4 emo friends?

Suicide Squad.

I heard millenials like suicide jokes.

So I've been dying to make one.

BREAKING NEWS: The president was found in his office after trying to commit suicide, his statement:

"Fake noose."

If I wanted to commit suicide...

I would climb up to your ego and jump down to your IQ.

I once wrote a very creative and detailed suicide note....

Now I've got a #1 country music song in the U.S.

What do you call a russian suicide bommer?

A kommiekaze!

Why did the dolphin commit suicide?

He thought his life had no porpoise

Suicide stop

Back on June 9th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who...

What do you call an exhibitionist suicide bomber?

A flash bang

What do Eminem and Suicide bombers have in common?

they only get one shot

Why did the French chef commit suicide?

He lost the huile d’olive

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I'll never understand why religious extremists become suicide bombers in order to get 72 virgins when they die.

Just become a Catholic priest and get them now.

Unfortunately my father committed suicide a few years ago now

He sadly hung himself.. but there is an upside - He went out swinging!

What did the programmer’s suicide note say?

“Goodbye world”

A suicide bomber instructor addressing his class said.....

"Alright everyone, watch me closely because I'm only going to do this once"

Suprised that Epstine commited suicide?

So was he!

Cloning ethics question.

Cloning yourself and pushing your clone off a cliff to its death is probably a crime, but what crime is it?

Is it murder?

Suicide?

Or making an obscene clone fall?

I just read about a group of suicide bombers that were dressed like clowns.

It's a really messed up story, but credit where credit's due...at least someone's trying to put the fun back in fundamentalism

A suicide bombing instructor addresses a group of new recruits.

"All right lads pay attention cos I'm only gonna show you this once"

The last thing the suicide bomber said to his friends....

I'm going out to smoke.

How can you tell if being a suicide bomber really guarantees you blessings in the afterlife?

You have to C4 yourself

What did the suicide bomber instructor say to the students ?

Right, I’m only gonna tell you this once

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An Old Joke

The year is 2120, and our story follows Joe McFlinch and his journey to overcome his inner demons. 'Who is Joe?', you may be wondering. Well, Joe is a cowardly 29 year old male. He has no special talents or skills, no hobbies, and most sadly, no friends. If I were to describe him as a dish, he would...

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I don't see why you would become an Islamic fundamentalist suicide bomber on the off chance that when you die you get 72 virgins.

Just become a Catholic priest and get them now.

What's the best part about arriving late to a suicide party?

There's no punch line.

Man was reading his wife's suicide note

Then he thought he could be a wonderful writer

why don’t libraries have books about suicide?

They don’t get returned.

Scottish Trade

A guy walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,

"Excuse me Miss, day ye harv eni books on suicide?"

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses, and says,

"Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!"

How do you know a blonde has been trying to commit suicide?

There are bullet holes in the mirror.

Get a job

A young man in a small town graduates from high school. His father comes to him that evening and tells him “Son, you’re a man now. You need to start contributing to this household. Go get a job.”

The young man is rightfully concerned. Work prospects in his town are slim. The only jobs availab...

Q: What did the judge say about the man that was shot twelve times by the police?

A: The most horrific suicide scenario I have ever seen.

I've been googling "how to kill myself" and all that's showing up are suicide prevention sites

I'm like how is this good SEO?

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