UPJOKE
deathmental illnesskamikazedepressionkillhomicideseppukualcoholismbipolar disorderschizophreniafelo-de-sekillerkillingmurderassassination

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Hitler commits suicide and appears in front of god

God:"You already know you're going to hell, but before that I'll give you one wish."

Hitler:"Alright, let me kill 10 million Jews and one Swedish man."

God:"Why the Swedish man?"

Hitler:"I knew you didn't give a fuck about the Jews."

The only person that keeps me from commiting suicide

is that guy instantly upvoting anything I post.

Suicide jokes don't fly with most people

They hang

My mum told me to stop telling the suicidal jokes.

I replied with: "Don't worry, suicide would be the last thing I'd do."

Depression/suicide jokes are basically yo mama jokes of our generation — they're lazy, unfunny and useless

Just like me

When is the best time to commit suicide?

Ate a glock in the morning.

Suicide is not a joke, get help

You can pay someone to shoot you

I've realized that suicide would solve all my problems....

...if I could just get the right people to try it.

Suicide?

That's the last thing I'd ever do.

My wife said to me "If I ever get Alzheimers I would commit suicide rather than burdening you with me"

I said "Thats the fifth time you've said that today"

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a beautiful woman is on the ledge of a bridge about to commit suicide

a homeless man walks by her and says
"what are you doing?"

she says "im going to jump!"


the homeless man says
"if youre going to kill yourself, do you wanna have sex with me first?"

the woman replies "no way creep! never that!"

the homeless man doesn't se...

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A suicide bomb instructor is training a class.

Ok!! Everybody! Pay very close attention now! I can only demonstrate this once!!!

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Tried committing suicide last night...

Never doing that shit again, I almost killed myself!

I started dating a suicide bomber.

Edit: Well, this blew up quick!

I called a suicide hotline in Iraq.....

They got excited and asked if I can drive a truck!

I was pretty excited when I heard Logan Paul went into a suicide forest

A little upset to find out he came back

If you call the suicide prevention line and they dont answer what you do?

You hang up

Them: "don't you think you'll feel embarrassed by all your suicide jokes when you get older

Me "when I what? "

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I can never get anything right. Yesterday I attempted suicide.

My wife left for work. I went into the garage, sealed the windows and doors.
Started my car, let it run.
I sat in my lawn chair and closed my eyes. After eight hours, nothing. I felt the same. I was soo pissed off I shut of my Tesla and went back inside.

If your surprised that Jeffrey Epstein commited suicide this morning

Imagine how surprised he must have been.

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I've never really understood it why would you become an Islamic suicide bomber on the off-chance you might get 72 virgins when you die.

Become a Catholic priest and get them now.

Dave got a new job at the suicide hotline.

The manager shows him to his desk and Dave has a seat.

The manager says, "Remember! Your job is to make sure that the person at the other end of the line does not kill himself, no matter what! That's the one thing you have to do!"

Dave says "No problem! I will do exactly what you just ...

What's suicide bombers' biggest fear?

Dying alone

A student was standing at the edge of the roof of his school and was about jump off and commit suicide.

Suddenly from the school grounds his physics teacher yells to him, "Don't jump, you've got lots of potential!"

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A terrorist on a suicide mission

So while the other terrorists were wrapping him with all kind of bombs they looked him in the eye and told him: you're going on a suicide mission so don't fail us. The terrorist replied: I'm prepared to die!!
And so they sent him to the city and he goes to a school and he calls the base: should I...

Suicide booths are 50% off

Its a deal to die for.

Hey girl, are you suicide?

'Cause I think of you everyday.

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3 brothers own a cow, which suddenly dies.

The cow being almost a part of their family and a major income source for the family, the 3 brothers become very heartbroken and decide to commit suicide in the river. So they approach the river and are almost about to jump in when a fairy comes out of the river.

Fairy: "If anyone of you is ...

When you make a suicide pact with someone, NEVER offer to go first.

Trust me. I’ve done like five of them.

It was on this day in 1978 that cult leader Jim Jones carried out a mass murder/suicide of over 900 of his followers in Jonestown, Guyana. Horrifying. There's a joke about it but it's wildly innappriopriate.

And anyway, the punchline's too long.

I worked for the suicide hotline once, but it was a disaster.

Five people called me on the first day, and they all killed themselves.
And three of those were wrong numbers.

I think the suicide hotline is sponsored by Nike.

The representative told me "Just do it."

I accidentally dialed a suicide hotline in Saudi Arabia.

The first question they asked was if I knew how to fly a plane.

Ya know, if you believe in reincarnation, suicide is a temporary solution to a permanent problem

anyways, the hotline asked me not to come back

A despondent young woman who had lost her job and her house had decided to commit suicide.

She was walking along a bridge across the harbor, getting the nerve to jump in, when a young man saw her.

"Don't do it!" he called out. He looked at her and realized she was incredibly beautiful. He came closer.

"What's wrong?" he asked. The woman told him.

"Okay, here's the thi...

What do you call a suicide bomber in a wheelchair?

An RC-XD

Sorry for such dark humor lol

I can't believe the suicide hotline put my cousin on hold.

They left him hanging.

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As a preteen, all I wanted was a girlfriend with big tits. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits,

but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

Wh...

What do you call a Murder suicide case?

Round 2

How do you call a suicide bomber with Tourette’s?

A ticking time bomb

I moved here about 13 years ago from Seattle, Washington. I left a city that has a high suicide rate for a city that has a high homicide rate.

I guess I’m just not a ‘do-it-yourself’ kind of person.

An old man was walking on a park adjoining the cliff famous for suicide and saw a young woman standing at the edge contemplating suicide

He approached her.

She: "Dont come near me!!"

Old man :" Since you are anyway going to die,why cant you make this old man happy with a quickie?"

She shrieked "Over my dead body,you filthy pervert"

Old man "Ok,if thats the case, I will walk down and wait for you at the bot...

Why did Henri Lautrec contemplate suicide?

Thought he had nothing else Toulouse.

Where do suicide bombers go when they die?

Over there, over there, over there, and up there

An old woman decided she’s had enough of life and wanted to commit suicide…

… She decided she was going to shoot herself in the heart. So she calls her doctor and asks him “doctor, where is the heart located in the body?”

“Just below your left breast” the doctor tells her.

“Thanks” she says, and shoot’s herself in the knee.

What did they say about the artist who completed suicide by jumping off a building?

Well, at least they finally made an impact on the world.

At the border controls between the US and Mexico two U.S. border agents discover a hanged suicide on a tree just before closing time.

"If we report this, we won't be home in four hours," says one.

"You know what?" says the other, "we'll just hang him over to the Mexicans and call it a day!" No sooner said than done.

A short time later, two Mexican border guards come by. One of them says in amazement, "Now he's hang...

What is the common thing between an entrepreneur and a suicide bomber ?

Do the job well on first try and they are set for life.

A suicide bomber instructor says to his trainees

“Alright men, I’m only going to show you this once”

I want to learn more about suicide..

But I’m having trouble finding a jumping off point.

Why is suicide illegal in China?

Destruction of government property

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Breaking News: Elderly nuns commit suicide by viagra overdose

Old habits die hard.

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A man goes into a library and asks the librarian for a book on suicide…

The librarian responds, “Fuck off! You won’t bring it back.”

I tried to make a suicide joke

The room was dead silent

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What would a suicide bomber die for?

A blowjob

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident.

He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and do a lot of things that took two arms.

One day he had had it. He decided to commit suicide and went to the top of a building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down when he saw a man skipping along, whistli...

Oh, you´re surprised Jeff Epstein committed suicide?

Imagine how surprised Jeff must have been.

Suicide stop

Back on June 9th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who...

Are suicide bombers taught properly how to fly or...

Are they just given a quick crash course?

Did you hear about the blonde who tried to commit suicide

She sat in her running car

And closed the garage

It was her new Tesla

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Three guys are waiting in line to get into Heaven.

St. Peter calls out to thee tree guys: "We don't have a lot of space in Heaven, so who ever tells be the most interesting death stories will get in!" The first man walks up and begins his story. "I came home one day from a bad day to find my wife naked on the bed. I suspected that she was cheating w...

I heard millenials like suicide jokes.

So I've been dying to make one.

My Dad sent me this on Facebook, which means it’s almost guaranteed to be a repost. I touched it up a bit, but here you go: The Worst Day Ever

There I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink, when a large, troublemaking biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink, and gulps it down in one swig. "Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says menacingly.

I burst into tears. "This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a comple...

How did the philosopher commit political suicide?

He jumped out of the Overton window.

An old farmer in the olden days committed suicide in the most generic way possible

It was just a run off the mill suicide.

The problem with suicide jokes

Is they end abruptly

A woman in her 90s calls her doctor and asks:

"Doctor, where is the heart?"

To which the doctor replies: "it is at the height of your left nipple"

The elderly woman thanks the man and ends the call.

A new day arrives and the doctor reads the headline of his newspaper

"Elderly woman wants to commit suicide, shoots he...

Why did the French chef commit suicide?

He lost the huile d’olive

A peach murder-suicides his wife and children…

Three days later, a pineapple detective arrives to the crime scene and begins to observe the deteriorated remains of the family.

Pineapple says, “well that’s just the pits.”

BREAKING NEWS: The president was found in his office after trying to commit suicide, his statement:

"Fake noose."

What do you call a russian suicide bommer?

A kommiekaze!

A beautiful young woman is standing at the edge of a pier in New York City, debating jumping in and drowning herself

A sailor passing by sees her and yells, "Lady! Don't jump! I don't know what the problem is, but it's certainly nothing worth killing yourself over!"

She tells the sailor, "I've just been so depressed with my life. Nothing I try works and everything ends in failure. I don't see the point in g...

What do Eminem and Suicide bombers have in common?

they only get one shot

How do homeopaths do suicide?

With a fatal underdose.

(DARK) Where does a suicide bomber go after they commit their crime

Everywhere

I’m a suicidal perfectionist…

No matter how many drafts of my suicide note I write, I just can’t seem to end it.

Recently someone asked me what’s the hardest thing I’ve done in college.

I answered “contemplate suicide”. I saw they weren’t laughing so I quickly corrected and said “about 9 inches”. Needless to say my mother didn’t appreciate that answer either.

Unfortunately my father committed suicide a few years ago now

He sadly hung himself.. but there is an upside - He went out swinging!

Why did the dolphin commit suicide?

He thought his life had no porpoise

George R.R. Martin (OC)

I met George R.R. Martin at a book signing a while back. It was very early in the morning and there weren’t that many people around, so I actually had the opportunity to chat with him a bit. I told him I’m a huge fan of his works, and that he’s always been an idol of mine, and that he inspired me to...

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I don't see why you would become an Islamic fundamentalist suicide bomber on the off chance that when you die you get 72 virgins.

Just become a Catholic priest and get them now.

How can you tell if being a suicide bomber really guarantees you blessings in the afterlife?

You have to C4 yourself

Can we dissect a classic joke??

I was driving through a rural area this afternoon when a chicken began to cross the road.

I chuckled at the little clucker and began to recite the classic joke in my head...

"Why did the chicken cross the road??"

I arrived at a predictable reaction; "this is a boring joke...it's...

How do you know a blonde has been trying to commit suicide?

There are bullet holes in the mirror.

The last thing the suicide bomber said to his friends....

I'm going out to smoke.

I just read about a group of suicide bombers that were dressed like clowns.

It's a really messed up story, but credit where credit's due...at least someone's trying to put the fun back in fundamentalism

why don’t libraries have books about suicide?

They don’t get returned.

Not sure if posted already

A guy walks into a bar

Man:”my wife just cheated on me and I just wanna drink myself to death”

Waiter:”I can’t serve you and help you commit suicide”

Man:”What would you do if you were in my situation”

Waiter:” I’d kill the guy that slept with my wife”

Man:”That’s ...

What did the suicide bomber instructor say to the students ?

Right, I’m only gonna tell you this once

Russians are very flexible, and are world-class ballerinas, figure skaters, and gymnasts

They use their flexibility in other ways, too! It's the only country where there are regularly suicides with bullets to the *back* of the head.

A suicide bombing instructor addresses a group of new recruits.

"All right lads pay attention cos I'm only gonna show you this once"

Minister Shoigu

There are rumors in Moscow, that minister Shoigu commited suicide. One concerned Russian called Moscow radio station and asked if he really commited suicide and if they knew what were his last words. The answer was: "Minister Shoigu really committed suicide and his last words were: Comrades do not s...

Get support for yourself or other people

If you’d like to talk to someone, confidential mental health support is free and available 24/7.

**Inside the U.S.**

* Crisis Text Line: Text CHAT to 741741
* National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 800-273-8255

**If you’re outside the U.S.**

* [Find resources in your loc...

What did the physicist write in his suicide note before he jumped off a tall building?

I had so much potential, but i let it all down

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