UPJOKE
deathmental illnesskamikazedepressionkillhomicideseppukualcoholismbipolar disorderschizophreniafelo-de-sekillerkillingmurderassassination

The only person that keeps me from commiting suicide

is that guy instantly upvoting anything I post.

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Hitler commits suicide and appears in front of god

God:"You already know you're going to hell, but before that I'll give you one wish."

Hitler:"Alright, let me kill 10 million Jews and one Swedish man."

God:"Why the Swedish man?"

Hitler:"I knew you didn't give a fuck about the Jews."

My mum told me to stop telling the suicidal jokes.

I replied with: "Don't worry, suicide would be the last thing I'd do."

When is the best time to commit suicide?

Ate a glock in the morning.

Suicide is not a joke, get help

You can pay someone to shoot you

I've realized that suicide would solve all my problems....

...if I could just get the right people to try it.

Hey girl, are you suicide?

'Cause I think of you everyday.

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Tried committing suicide last night...

Never doing that shit again, I almost killed myself!

Dave got a new job at the suicide hotline.

The manager shows him to his desk and Dave has a seat.

The manager says, "Remember! Your job is to make sure that the person at the other end of the line does not kill himself, no matter what! That's the one thing you have to do!"

Dave says "No problem! I will do exactly what you just ...

Depression/suicide jokes are basically yo mama jokes of our generation — they're lazy, unfunny and useless

Just like me

Depressing pickup lines.

Are you suicide?
Because I think about you every day.

Are you a toaster?
Because I really want to take a bath with you.

Are you a noose?
Because I really want to hang with you.

Are you a gravestone?
Because I really wish you were on top of me.

Are you anti-...

Suicide?

That's the last thing I'd ever do.

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A suicide bomb instructor is training a class.

Ok!! Everybody! Pay very close attention now! I can only demonstrate this once!!!

why don’t libraries have books about suicide?

They don’t get returned.

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I can never get anything right. Yesterday I attempted suicide.

My wife left for work. I went into the garage, sealed the windows and doors.
Started my car, let it run.
I sat in my lawn chair and closed my eyes. After eight hours, nothing. I felt the same. I was soo pissed off I shut of my Tesla and went back inside.

An old man was walking on a park adjoining the cliff famous for suicide and saw a young woman standing at the edge contemplating suicide

He approached her.

She: "Dont come near me!!"

Old man :" Since you are anyway going to die,why cant you make this old man happy with a quickie?"

She shrieked "Over my dead body,you filthy pervert"

Old man "Ok,if thats the case, I will walk down and wait for you at the bot...

Suicide booths are 50% off

Its a deal to die for.

When you make a suicide pact with someone, NEVER offer to go first.

Trust me. I’ve done like five of them.

What's suicide bombers' biggest fear?

Dying alone

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A suicide bomber went to heaven.

The Angel at the front desk greeted him.

"Hi, welcome. There are 72 very horny virgins waiting for you!"

"I knew it! said the bomber. "Bring me the women!"

The Angel smiled.

"Who mentioned women?"

I accidentally dialed a suicide hotline in Saudi Arabia.

The first question they asked was if I knew how to fly a plane.

If your surprised that Jeffrey Epstein commited suicide this morning

Imagine how surprised he must have been.

I tried to make a suicide joke

The room was dead silent

Why is suicide illegal in China?

Destruction of government property

Why did the mathematician commit suicide?

Because he had too many problems.

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What would a suicide bomber die for?

A blowjob

A suicide bomber training his new recruits:

"Okay, pay attention, I'm only going to show you this once"

The Suicide prevention hotline in my country is truly a life saver.

I waited for a long time for them to pick up, I fell asleep and woke up without sucidal thoughts.

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Guy walks into a library and asks the librarian for a book on committing suicide

She responds "fuck off, you won't bring it back"

How do you know a blonde has been trying to commit suicide?

There are bullet holes in the mirror.

My girlfriend and I planned to commit suicide together...

... But once she killed herself, things started looking a lot more positive.

What do you call a suicide bomber in a wheelchair?

An RC-XD

Sorry for such dark humor lol

Where do suicide bombers go after they die?

Everywhere.

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I don't see why you would become an Islamic fundamentalist suicide bomber on the off chance that when you die you get 72 virgins.

Just become a Catholic priest and get them now.

My wife said she would rather commit suicide than have dementia

She said she would never want to place that burden on me..

I said, honey that's the fifth time you've told me that.

How can you tell if being a suicide bomber really guarantees you blessings in the afterlife?

You have to C4 yourself

A despondent young woman who had lost her job and her house had decided to commit suicide.

She was walking along a bridge across the harbor, getting the nerve to jump in, when a young man saw her.

"Don't do it!" he called out. He looked at her and realized she was incredibly beautiful. He came closer.

"What's wrong?" he asked. The woman told him.

"Okay, here's the thi...

There's a full proof way to prevent suicide

Push them, then it's homicide

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A terrorist on a suicide mission

So while the other terrorists were wrapping him with all kind of bombs they looked him in the eye and told him: you're going on a suicide mission so don't fail us. The terrorist replied: I'm prepared to die!!
And so they sent him to the city and he goes to a school and he calls the base: should I...

The problem with suicide jokes

Is they end abruptly

I don't know why I got fired from the suicide hotline...

I was doing a great job. They never called back for more help.

What do you call Andrew Tate in a Romanian prison?

In-cell

EDIT: I don't have time to reply to all the great comments here but THANK YOU ALL for the lols! Seriously, laughed out loud at a bunch of these, I'm rolling!

EDIT EDIT: Thanks as well to the kind Redditor who referred me to the suicide helpline over this. I'm fine, but clearly ...

Why are jokes about suicide bombers are not funny.

Well for starters, their delivery is just everywhere.

She was what we used to call a suicide blonde

dyed by her own hand.

Suicide stop

Back on June 9th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who...

I hate when people don't leave a suicide note.

Would it kill them to write few sentences?

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A patient talks to his therapist after a suicide attempt

"So Greg, I've been informed that you attempted suicide the other day. Is this correct?" asks the therapist.

"Yes, it is unfortunately true. My wife decided to divorce me and the kids chose to live with her, it struck me hard man." said Greg.

"I know this is gonna be hard for you to do...

Is your nickname suicide?

Because I can't stop thinking about you.

How do you know all suicide bombers self identify as being old?

They are all boomers in the end

I called a suicide hotline in Iraq..

They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Why did Logan Paul go to the suicide forest?

To kill his career.

Did you hear about the blonde who tried to commit suicide?

She closed her garage door

and sat in her Tesla

while she left it running

A guy was wondering what being a suicide bomber was like

So I told him, "C4 yourself"

Why did the chicken commit suicide?

To get to the other side

Inflation in the US is so bad right now that…

- My friend received a predeclined credit card in the mail.
- CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
- Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
- McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
- Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
- Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned ...

It was on this day in 1978 that cult leader Jim Jones carried out a mass murder/suicide of over 900 of his followers in Jonestown, Guyana. Horrifying. There's a joke about it but it's wildly innappriopriate.

And anyway, the punchline's too long.

I told my psychiatrist I'm thinking about suicide

He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

Why did the Heaven’s Gate Cult commit suicide?

They just wanted to keep up with the Joneses !

Oh, you´re surprised Jeff Epstein committed suicide?

Imagine how surprised Jeff must have been.

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Breaking News: Elderly nuns commit suicide by viagra overdose

Old habits die hard.

A terrorist commander is interviewing for a suicide bomber position...

"So good news-there is a sudden vacancy. We couldn't track down any of your recs, which is great. I just have one final question-where do you see yourself in the \*glances at watch\* next five minutes?"

Did you hear about the suicide bomber performing at the comedy open mic night?

He had everyone in pieces!

I am suicide bomber AMA

Wow this blew up fast.

President Trump attempts suicide, fails because of broken rope.

Fake noose.

Popular celebrity survives suicide attempt.

BREAKING NOOSE!

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A Muslim is about to commit suicide when a Catholic priest stops him

"What are you doing?!" Exclaims the priest

"There is nothing on this Earth for me." The Muslim says "I will commit suicide to go to paradise and get 72 virgins!"

The priest shakes his head

"Foolish Muslim, suicide is not the way!" He says

"Follow me, Ill take you to the ...

How do homeopaths do suicide?

With a fatal underdose.

How do Russians commit suicide?

With two bullets to the back of the head.

Where does the suicide bomber go after dying?

All over the place

What do you call a russian suicide bommer?

A kommiekaze!

Why did the French person commit suicide when they couldn't find their olive oil?

Because they had lost the *huile d'olive*

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A suicide bomber blew himself up and appeared before Allah

He said, "Oh, Allah, I did your bidding, but I have a request. Since I'm only 18 and spent all my time in terrorist training school, I never was with a woman. So, instead of 72 virgins, who also won't know what to do sexually, can I have 72 prostitutes?"

Allah regarded him for a moment, then ...

How do you make a walrus commit suicide?

Point at its chest and say 'What's that?'

My local library refuses to stock how-to books about suicide.

They used to, but the decent ones were never returned.

I'm in the middle of a long and messy divorce and I've decided that suicide is the only way out…

Now all I need to do is talk her into it…

What did the suicide bomber say to the other suicide bomber?

I bet you don't have the guts to do that again.

How did the philosopher commit political suicide?

He jumped out of the Overton window.

Why did the Sicilian call the suicide hotline?

To place an order.

An old woman wants to commit suicide...

...by shooting herself in the heart, but she doesn't really know where the heart is.

She goes to the local doctor and asks;

"Doctor, can you please tell me where the heart is?"

"Oh, it's just below your left breast."

So the old woman walked home and shot herself in the k...

Today I saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus.

I couldn't help but think, it would work much better on the front.

Why did Henri Lautrec contemplate suicide?

Thought he had nothing else Toulouse.

Far from being fundamentalists suicide bombers are skeptics

They always have to C4 themselves.

Suicide gone wrong [CORNY]

-Hey doc, so here's the thing, I felt really bad so I tried to kill myself with painkillers.
-Seriously? And what happened?
-After the first two, I felt much better.

Why did the quasar commit suicide?

The oscillation was too much to bear

Two blondes are placing a bet whether a man will commit suicide

Two blondes are watching 8 o'clock evening news. The report is about a man, sitting on an edge of a bulding, about to jump off the building.
One blonde says to the other: I bet 100€ he will jump.
Other blonde says: 100€ sounds good, I bet he will not jump.
10 minutes in, and the guy jumps o...

I called a suicide prevention line.

It connected me to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I felt suicidal and they asked if I could drive a truck.

Jeffery Epstein committed suicide on suicide watch.

Everyone was surprised!

What do you call a suicide bomber that can tell the future?

A tarot-ist

What would a character from the Star Wars universe shout before a suicide bombing?

ADMIRAL ACKBAR!

I'm not worried about Muslim suicide bombers

They can only do it once. Those Hindu suicide bombers are the real threat.

After my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an...

...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:

"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bom...

Why did the fisherman commit suicide when the last dolphin died?

Because his life had no porpoise.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did Hitler commit suicide?

Because he saw the gas bill

Suicide Jokes are never funny.

I swear to god I'm gonna shoot myself if I see another one hit the front page.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits..

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide...

Get support for yourself or other people

If you’d like to talk to someone, confidential mental health support is free and available 24/7.

**Inside the U.S.**

* Crisis Text Line: Text CHAT to 741741
* Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: Call or text 988

**If you’re outside the U.S.**

* [Find resources in your locat...

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